THE  WORKS 


DEAN     SWIFT; 


EMBRACING 


GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS, 
TALE  OF  A  TUB,  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS,  ETl) 


WITH   A 


LIFE   OF  THE   AUTHOR, 

BY  REV.  JOHN  MITFORD; 

AND 

COPIOUS  NOTES,  BY  W.  C.  TAYLOR,  LL.  D. 


NEW-YORK: 
LKAVITT  &  ALLEN,  27  DEY  STREET. 

ISM 


PREFACE  TO  THE  AMERICAN  EDITION. 


GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS,  which  are  here  presented  in  an 
accessible  and  attractive  form,  have  been  justly  styled  "a 
great  moral  romance."  A  grave  and  serious  purpose  is 
hidden  under  the  disguise  of  the  wildest  invention  and  the 
most  grotesque  humour.  The  original  design  of  the  Voyage 
to  Lalliput  was  to  satirize  the  enemies  of  the  author.  The 
story  is  but  the  shaft  and  feathering  of  the  arrow,  whicu 
give  force  and  direction  to  its  barbed  head.  The  Notes  ap- 
pended to  this  edition  point  out,  as  far  as  possible  after  so 
many  years,  the  immediate  objects  satirized.  Had  it,  how- 
ever, only  a  personal  aim,  the  book  would  have  perished  with 
the  persons  and  events  to  which  it  owed  its  origin  ;  but  as 
a  keen  and  biting  satire  upon  follies  and  vices  of  perennial 
growth,  it  has  acquired  a  lasting  reputation.  Lilliput  is  not 
the  only  nation  where  high  offices,  lofty  stations,  and  great 
employments  are  gained  by  creeping  and  crawling  before  the 
governing  power,  whether  prince  or  populace.  The  petty 
game  of  court  intrigue  and  state  policy  is  none  the  less  con- 
temptible because  the  players  are  six  feet  instead  of  as  many 
inches  high.  The  seven-inch  monarch  of  Lilliput  had  as 
good  a  right  to  the  passive  obedience  of  his  subjects  as  have 
his  seven-feet  brethren.  Viewed  from  the  height  of  a  few 


20268S2 


IV  PREFACE. 

hundred  feet  we  are  no  larger  than  the  Lilliputians.  From 
the  distance  of  the  moon — but  a  step  into  infinite  space- 
kingdoms  would  seem  less  than  ant-hills.  The  distinction 
between  High-heels  and  Low-heels  is  quite  as  intelligible  and 
important  as  many  in  respect  to  which  party  lines  have  been 
most  strictly  drawn.  Our  theological  world  has  been  con- 
vulsed by  controversies — Filioque,  Homoousian,  and  Homoi- 
ousian,  to  say  nothing  of  others  of  more  recent  date — not 
a  whit  more  essential  than  that  of  the  Big-endians  and  the 
Little-endians,  and  which  have  been  none  the  less  fiercely 
waged  because  neither  party  was  able  to  comprehend  his  own 
opinion  or  that  of  his  adversary.  But  while  follies  and  vices 
become  ridiculous  and  odious  when  enlarged  to  Brobdingna- 
gian  or  contracted  to  Lilliputian  dimensions,  no  noble  deed, 
lofty  purpose,  or  wise  aim  loses  any  thing  of  its  worth  or 
dignity.  These  arise  not  from  our  acts — which  are  all, 
great  as  well  as  small,  infinitely  little — but  from  the  spirit 
in  which  they  are  performed. 

The  Life  of  Swift  presents  a  practical  satire  no  less  keen 
than  his  writings,  and  its  perusal  will  furnish  food  for  the 
considerate,  and  reproof  to  the  wayward  and  reckless. 


CONTENTS. 


Mfi 

Pretece 3 

Life  of  Swift  13 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT. 

CHAPTER  I. 

The  Author  gives  some  Account  of  Himself  and  Family — his 
first  Inducements  to  Travel — he  is  shipwrecked,  and  swims 
for  his  Life — gets  safe  on  Shore  in  the  Country  of  Lillliput 
— is  made  a  Prisoner,  and  carried  up  the  Country  .  .  81 

CHAPTER  II. 

The  Emperor  of  Lilliput,  attended  by  several  of  the  Nobility, 
comes  to  see  the  Author  in  his  Confinement — the  Em- 
peror's Person  and  Habit  described — learned  Men  ap- 
pointed to  teach  the  Author  their  Language — he  gains 
Favour  by  his  Mild  Disposition— his  Pockets  are  searched, 
and  his  Sword  and  Pistols  taken  from  him  .  101 

CHAPTER  III. 

The  Author  diverts  the  Emperor,  and  his  Nobility  of  both 
sexes,  in  a  very  uncommon  manner — the  Diversions  of  the 
Court  of  Lilliput  described — the  Author  has  his  liberty 
granted  him  upon  certain  conditions  .  .  .  '  .118 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Mildendo,  the  Metropolis  of  Lilliput,  described,  together  with 
the  Emperor's  Palace — a  conversation  between  the  Author 
1* 


VI  CONTENTS. 

and  a  principal  Secretary,  concerning  the  affairs  of  that 
Empire — the  Author  offers  to  serve  the  Emperor  in  his 
wars  .  -.'"».  132 

CHAPTER  V. 

The  Author,  by  an  extraordinary  stratagem,  prevents  an  in- 
vasion— a  high  Title  of  Honour  is  conferred  upon  him — 
Ambassadors  arrive  from  the  Emperor  of  Blefuscu,  and  sue 
for  Peace — the  Empress's  Apartments  on  Fire  by  acci- 
dent; the  Author  instrumental  in  saving  the  rest  of  the 
Palace  .  .  . "  .  ' 141 

CHAPTER  VI. 

Of  the  Inhabitants  of  Lilliput;  their  Learning,  Laws,  and 
Customs ;  the  manner  of  educating  their  Children — the 
Author's  way  of  living  in  that  Country — his  Vindication 
of  a  great  Lady 152 

CHAPTER  VII. 

The  Author  being  informed  of  a  design  to  accuse  him  of  High 
Treason,  makes  his  Escape  to  Blefuscu— his  Reception 
there  .  .  .'  -  .  -  .  .  .  «*-.!  -.  .168 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  Author,  by  a  lucky  accident,  finds  means  to  leave  Blefus- 
cu ;  and,  after  some  difficulties,  returns  safe  to  his  Native 
Country '.,,'.•  .181 

Ode  to  Qulobus  Flestrin,  by  Titty  Tit,  Esq.  .        .191 


A  VOYAGE  TO  BROBDINGNAG. 

CHAPTER  I. 

A  great  Storm  described ;  the  Long  Boat  sent  to  fetch  Water, 
the  Author  goes  with  it  to  discover  the  Country — he  is  left 
on  Shore,  is  seized  by  one  of  the  Natives,'and  carried  to  a 
Farmer's  House — his  reception,  with  several  accidents 
that  happened  there— a  description  of  thb  Inhabitants  .  195 


CONTENTS.  Vll 

CHAPTER  II. 

A  description  of  the  Farmer's  Daughter — the  Author  carried 
to  a  Market-Town,  and  then  to  the  Metropolis— the  par- 
ticulars of  his  Journey  217 

CHAPTER  III. 

The  Author  sent  for  to  Court — the  Queen  buys  him  of  his 
Master  the  Farmer,  and  presents  him  to  the  King — he  dis- 
putes with  his  Majesty's  great  Scholars — an  Apartment  at 
Court  provided  for  the  Author — he  is  in  high  favour  with 
the  Queen— he  stands  up  for  the  honour  of  his  own 
Country — his  Quarrels  with  the  Queen's  Dwarf  .  226 

CHAPTER  IV. 

The  Country  described — a  proposal  for  correcting  modern 
Maps— the  King's  Palace,  and  some  account  of  the  Metro- 
polis— the  Author's  way  of  Travelling — the  chief  Temple 
described 242 

CHAPTER    Y. 

Several  Adventures  that  happened  to  the  Author — the  Execu- 
tion of  a  Criminal  — the  Author  shows  his  skill  in  Naviga- 
tion   250 

CHAPTER  VI. 

Several  contrivances  of  the  Author  to  please  the  King  and 
Queen — he  shows  his  skill  in  Music — the  King  inquires 
into  the  State  of  England,  which  the  Author  relates  to  him 
— the  King's  Observations  thereon 265 

CHAPTER  VII. 

The  Author's  love  ot  his  Country — he  makes  a  Proposal  of 
much  advantage  to  the  King,  which  is  rejected — the  King's 
great  ignorance  in  Politics — the  Learning  of  that  Country 
very  imperfect  and  confined— the  Laws  and  Military 
Affairs,  and  parties  in  the  State 2s2 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  King  and  Queen  make  a  progress  to  the  Frontiers— the 
Author  attends  them — the  manner  in  which  he  leaves  the 
Country  very  particularly  related— he  returns  to  England  291 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTiUTIONS. 


PAOl 

Gulliver  fastened  to  the  Earth  by  ihe  Lilliputians,        .        .  87 

Gulliver  throwing  away  the  empty  Wine  Casks,       .        .  93 

Gulliver  terrifying  a  Lilliputian,             .        .        .        .        .  105 

Gulliver's  Property  removed  to  the  Royal  Stores.     .         .  116 

Lilliputian  Army  passing  under  Gulliver's  Lrgs,                   .  126 

Gulliver  walking  in  the  Streets,         ...  133 

Gulliver  iwiraming  after  the  Enemy's  Fke..  142 

Lilliputian  Sempstresses  measuring  Gulliver,    .        .  162 

Ingenious  method  adopted  by  his  Tailors,     ....  163 

Cutting  Timber  to  fit  up  his  Vessel,           ....  186 

A  Boy  discovers  Land, 200 

Gulliver  in  the  hand  of  the  Brobdingnag  Labourer,          .  206 

Gulliver  struck  with  surprise  at  seeing  two  Dogs,        .  211 

GlumdaJclitch  undressing  Gulliver, 218 

Apartment  contrived  for  Gulliver, 233 

Gullive.-  cutting  down  Wasps,            24ft 

Gulliver  in  the  mouth  of  the  Gardener's  Dog,              .        .  252 

Gulliver  carried  off  by  an  Eagle,        .....  295 

Gulliver  at  Supper  with  the  Captain     .                               .  30J 


THE  LIFE   OF   SWIFT 


LIFE  OF  SWIFT. 

BY  THE  REVEREND  JOHN  MITFORD. 


JONATHAN  SWIFT,  the  Dean  of  St.  Patrick's  Dublin 
was  descended  from  the  younger  branch  of  the  family 
of  the  Swifts  in  Yorkshire.  His  grandfather  was  the 
Rev.  Thomas  Swift,  vicar  of  Goodrich,  in  Herefordshire. 
Hfe  died  in  the  year  1658,  leaving  ten  sons  and  three  or 
four  daughters,  with  no  other  fortune  than  a  very  small 
patrimonial  estate,  almost  destroyed  by  the  fines  and 
sequestrations  which  he  drew  on  himself  for  his  activity 
in  the  cause  of  Charles  I.  Jonathan  Swift,  the  father 
of  our  author,  was  the  sixth  or  seventh  son  of  the  Vicar 
of  Goodrich ;  in  consequence  of  his  elder  brother, 
Godwin,  being  appointed  attorney-general  of  the  Pala- 
tinate of  Tipperary,  under  the  Duke  of  Ormond,  after 
the  Restoration,  Jonathan,  who  was  also  bred  to  the 
law,  followed  him  into  Ireland.  There  he  married 
Abigail  Ericke  of  Leicestershire,  a  lady  of  ancient 
family,  but  no  fortune.  In  Ireland  he  had  some  employ- 
ments and  agencies,  and  was  appointed  steward  to  the 
Society  of  the  King's  Inn,  Dublin,  in  1665.  After  having 
held  his  appointment  two  years,  he  died,  leaving  an 
infant  daughter,  and  his  widow  then  pregnant,  in  so 
destitute  a  situation  as  to  be  unable  to  defray  the  ex- 
penses of  her  husband's  funeral.  Her  brother-in-law 
9, 


14  LIFE   OF   SWIFT. 

Godwin,  was  her  chief  support.  On  the  30th  of  No- 
vember, 1667,  being  St.  Andrew's  day,  she  was  deliv- 
ered of  a  son ;  and  the  house  where  the  celebrated 
author,  whose  life  we  are  now  writing,  was  born  is  still 
pointed  out.  It  is  No.  7,  of  Hoey's  Court,  Dublin ;  the 
appearance  of  its  antiquity  seems  not  to  oppose  the 
correctness  of  the  tradition ;  it  is  small,  and  was,  not 
many  years  since,  occupied  by  Mrs.  JacKson,  a  dealer 
in  earthen  ware. 

The  nurse  to  whom  the  care  of  the  infant  was  en- 
trusted was  a  native  of  Whitehaven  ;  being  summoned 
to  attend  the  request  of  a  dying  relation,  she  clandes- 
tinely, but  out  of  pure  affection,  carried  away  the  child 
with  her ;  his  mother  was  unwilling  to  risk  the  insecu- 
rity of  a  second  voyage,  and  permitted  it  to  remain 
with  its  faithful  and  affectionate  protector  for  three 
years,  when  she  returned  to  Ireland,  and  proved  that 
she  had  been  as  careful  of  its  education,  as  she  was 
attached  to  its  person. 

At  the  age  of  six,  Swift  was  sent  to  the  school  ot 
Kilkenny,  and  at  fourteen  admitted  into  the  university 
of  Dublin.  He  was  entirely  dependent  for  his  support 
upon  the  allowance  made  to  him  by  his  uncle  Godwin  ; 
this  was  hardly  more  than  would  cover  the  necessities 
oc  life  ;  for  his  uncle  had  a  numerous  family  of  his  own, 
and  had  much  injured  his  fortune  by  imprudent  specu- 
lations. Swift  was  either  not  awaie  of  his  uncle's  cir- 
cumstances, or  if  he  were,  the  smallness  of  his  benefi- 
cence was  not  sufficient  to  awaken  his  gratitude ;  for 
when  once  questioned  about  it,  rather  roughly,  at  a 
visitation  dinner,  he  answered  the  insulting  question  in 
a  loud  and  bitter  accent, — "  Yes !  he  gave  me  the 
education  of  a  dog." 

While  he  was  at  the  university,  he  appears  to  have 


I,:FE  OF  SWIFT.  15 

disliked  and  neglected  the  line  of  study  which  was  at 
that  time  cultivated ;  and  a  proficiency  in  which  was 
necessary  for  the  attainment  of  his  degree.  Instead  of 
mastering  the  intricacies  of  the  old  Treatises  on  Logic, 
written  by  those  great  men,  Smeglesius,  Kecherman- 
nus,  and  Burgesdicius,  he  passed  his  time  more  agreea- 
bly in  reading  poetry  and  history,  and  he  told  his  tutor 
that  he  could  reason  without  the  assistance  of  the 
artificial  rules  of  logic.  There  is  a  proof,  however,  that 
though  he  turned  aside  from  the  path  of  academic  study, 
his  voluntary  reading  was  extensive  and  various,  for 
he  had  drawn  up  a  rough  sketch  of  the  Tale  of  a  Tub, 
which  he  communicated  to  his  friend,  Mr.  Waryng. 
The  first  time  he  sate  for  his  degree  it  was  refused  him  ; 
and  so  pertinaciously  did  he  adhere  to  his  determination 
not  to  attend  to  the  necessary  line  of  studies,  that  when 
he  went  up  a  second  time,  he  succeeded  only  through 
the  interest  of  his  friends.  It  was  inserted  in  the 
College  Register,  that  he  attained  his  degree  Speciali 
gratia.  In  going  through  the  forms  of  disputation,  he 
told  Dr.  Sheridan  that  he  was  utterly  unacquainted 
even  with  the  logical  terms,  and  answered  the  argu- 
ments of  his  opponents  in  his  own  manner  and  words. 
His  biographer  adds,  that  there  was  one  circumstance 
in  the  account  which  Swift  gave  him  that  surprised 
him  with  regard  to  his  memory ;  for  he  told  him  the 
several  questions  on  which  he  disputed,  and  repeated 
all  the  arguments  used  by  his  opponents  in  their  syllo- 
gistic forms.  He  remained,  in  the  college,  nearly  three 
years  after  this,  not  through  choice  but  necessity. 
Little  known  or  regarded,  by  scholars  he  was  esteemed 
a  blockhead ;  and  as  the  lowness  of  his  circumstances 
would  not  allow  him  to  kee:»  company  of  an  equal  rank 
with  himself,  or  on  an  equa  footing,  lie  scorned  to  take 


16  LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

up  with  those  of  a  lower  class,  or  to  be  obliged  to  thoBe 
of  a  higher.  He  lived  therefore  much  alone,  and  his 
time  was  employed  in  pursuing  his  course  of  reading 
in  history  and  poetry,  then  very  unfashionable  studies 
for  an  academic ;  or  in  gloomy  meditations  on  his  own 
unhappy  circumstances. 

Soon  after  this  time,  his  uncle  Godwin  was  seized 
with  a  lethargy,  which  rendered  him  incapable  of  busi- 
ness, and  the  embarrassed  state  of  his  affairs  became 
known.  Another  uncle,  William,  for  a  short  period 
supplied  to  our  author  the  place  of  his  former  benefac- 
tor ;  and  though  he  had  not  the  means  of  enlarging  the 
extent  of  his  bounty,  he  bestowed  it  with  so  much  more 
willingness  and  grace,  as  to  receive  that  gratitude  from 
Swift  which  he  deserved.  But  Swift's  chief  hopes 
now  rested  on  his  cousin  Willoughby.  the  eldest  son  of 
his  uncle  Godwin,  a  merchant  at  Lisbon  :  nor  was  he 
disappointed  in  his  expectations ;  a  supply  arrived  at 
the  very  time  when  it  was  needed  ;  and  the  incidents 
attending  it  shall  be  related  in  the  words  of  his  biogra- 
pher. "  Swift,  without  a  penny  in  his  purse,  was  de- 
spondingly  looking  out  of  his  chamber  window  to  gape 
away  the  time,  and  happened  to  cast  his  eye  on  a  sea- 
faring man,  who  seemed  to  be  making  inquiries  after 
somebody's  chambers  ;  the  thought  immediately  came 
into  his  head  that  this  might  be  some  master  of  a  vessel, 
who  was  the  bearer  of  a  present  to  him  from  his  cousin 
at  Lisbon.  He  saw  him  enter  the  building  with  pleas- 
ing expectation,  and  soon  after  heard  a  rap  at  his  door, 
which  he  eagerly  opening,  was  accosted  by  the  sailor 
with,  '  Is  your  name  Jonathan  Swift  ?'  '  Yes.'  '  Why 
then,  I  have  something  for  you  from  Master  Willoughby 
Swift  of  Lisbon.'  He  then  drew  out  a  large  leather 
bag,  and  poured  out  the  contents,  which  were  silver 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  17 

coins,  upon  the  table.  Swift,  enraptured  at  the  sight,  in 
the  first  transports  of  his  heart,  pushed  over  a  large 
number  of  them,  without  reckoning,  to  the  sailor,  as  a 
reward  for  his  trouble ;  but  the  honest  tar  declined  taking 
any,  saying,  That  he  would  do  more  than  that  for  good 
Master  Willoughby.  This  was  the  first  time  that 
Swift's  disposition  was  tried  with  regard  to  the  man- 
agement of  money  ;  and  he  said  that  the  reflections  of 
his  constant  suffering  through  the  want  of  it.  made  him 
husband  it  so  well,  that  he  was  never  afterward  without 
something  in  his  purse." 

Soon  after  this,  on  the  breaking  out  of  the  war  in 
Ireland,  Swift  left  that  country  to  visit  his  mother  at 
Leicester,  and  to  consult  with  her  on  his  future  plans 
and  prospects  of  life.  He  was  now  in  his  one-and-twen- 
tieth  year,  not  qualified  by  particular  study  for  any 
profession,  except,  perhaps,  for  the  church ;  his  aca- 
demical reputation  was  not  advantageous  to  him ;  the 
recluseness  of  his  life  had  rendered  him  little  known  ; 
and  the  spleen  and  severity  of  his  temper  had  not  at- 
tracted many  friends. 

Without  any  letter  of  recommendation  to  introduce 
him  in  England,  and  without  any  acquaintance  who 
could  assist  him,  Swift  left  Chester  on  foot  to  visit  a 
mother,  who  was  herself  dependent  on  the  precarious 
bounty  of  her  friends.  With  her  he  remained  some 
months,  and  requested  her  advice  as  to  the  course 
which  he  should  pursue.  Most  fortunately  she  recol- 
lected that  the  lady  of  Sir  William  Temple  was  her  re- 
lation, that  there  had  been  an  intimacy  between  the 
families,  that  Thomas  Swift  had  been  chaplain  to  Sir 
William  Temple,  and  had  been  provided  for  by  him  in 
the  church.  She  therefore  recommended  her  son  to  go 
to  Sir  William  Temple,  and  communicate  to  him  hia 


18  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT 

depressed  situation  and  gloomy  prospects.  When  he 
arrived  at  Shene.  the  residence  of  the  retired  states- 
man, his  story  was  listened  to  with  compassionate  at- 
tention ;  he  was  cheerfully  received  into  his  house,  and 
treated  with  kindness  and  generosity.  Although  he 
was  not  admitted  to  much  personal  familiarity  with  his 
illustrious  kinsman,  yet  he  found  in  his  house  what  was 
of  invaluable  advantage,  sound  advice  with  regard  to 
the  prosecution  of  his  studies,  and  a  secure  and  elegant 
retirement  where  he  could  pursue  them  undisturbed. 

For  eight  years  he  followed  a  system  of  study,  ac- 
cording to  his  own  account,  of  not  less  than  eight  hours 
a  day.  Among  other  books,  he  is  known  to  have  read 
Cyprian  and  Irenaeus.  The  first  interruption  of  this 
studious  course  of  life,  was  occasioned  by  an  illnesa 
produced  by  a  surfeit  of  fruit,  which  brought  on  a  cold- 
ness of  stomach  and  giddiness  of  head  that  he  never 
afterwards  could  shake  off.  At  one  time,  his  physician 
advised  that  he  should  try  the  effects  of  his  native  air. 
and  he  left  Moor  Park  (to  which  Sir  William  had  re- 
moved) for  Ireland  ;  but  finding  himself  worse,  he  re- 
turned, and  when  his  illness  abated,  resumed  with  fresh 
vigour  his  interrupted  studies. 

About  this  time,  Sir  William  Temple  began  to  dis- 
cover some  of  the  valuable  parts  of  his  relative's  char- 
acter ;  and  Swift  says,  that  he  then  grew  in  confidence 
with  him.  He  was  present  at  the  confidential  interviews 
between  King  William  and  th'e  statesman ;  and  when 
the  latter  was  confined  to  his  room  with  the  gout,  the 
duty  of  attending  on  the  king  devolved  on  Swift.  It  is 
said,  that  the  king  offered  him  a  troop  of  horse ;  and  he 
showed  him  how  to  cut  asparagus  after  the  Dutch 
fashion.  It  is  probable  that  he  obtained  some  promise 
of  preferment  in  the  church  \  for,  in  a  letter  dated  1692, 


THE    LIFE    OF   SWIFT.  19 

he  says  to  his  uncle,  "  I  am  not  to  take  orders  till  the 
king  gives  me  a  prebend." 

In  1692,  he  went  to  Oxford  to  take  his  Master's  de- 
gree, to  which  he  was  admitted  on  the  5th  of  July,  1692. 
From  Oxford  he  paid  a  visit  to  his  mother,  and  then  re- 
turned to  Moor  Park.  He  now  was  anxious  to  establish 
himself  independently  in  the  world,  and  he  looked  for 
that  preferment  which  had  been  promised.  But  suspi- 
cions grew  in  his  mind,  that  Sir  William  Temple  was 
not  so  forward  in  assisting  him  as  he  could  wish,  and 
feared  that  Swift  would  leave  him  when  he  was  pro- 
vided for.  Perhaps  his  society  was  become  not  only 
convenient  and  agreeable,  but  even  necessary  to  one 
far  advanced  in  life,  declining  in  health,  and  afflicted 
with  painful  disorders.  Besides,  Temple  was  very 
anxious  to  have  an  accurate  and  correct  copy  ot'  ail  his 
writings  ;  and  Swift's  assistance  in  this  respect  was  in- 
valuable. The  work,  however,  which  the  aged  and  ex- 
perienced statesmen  was  to  bequeath  to  posterity,  ad- 
vanced but  slowly,  and  Swift's  impatience  could  ill  bear 
any  longer  delay.  After  remaining  two  years  longer  at 
Moor  Park,  he  determined  to  leave  his  patron,  and  take 
his  chance  in  the  world.  Sir  William  received  the  com- 
munication with  marks  of  displeasure  ;  but  offered  him 
a  small  place,  worth  about  a  hundred  pounds  a  year, 
then  vacant  in  Ireland  :  Swift  replied,  "  That  since  he 
had  now  an  opportunity  of  living  without  being  driven 
tnto  the  church  for  a  maintenance,  he  was  resolved  to  go 
to  Ireland  to  take  holy  orders."  This  answer  conveyed 
his  belief  of  the  insincerity,  and  his  feelings  of  the  in- 
delicacy of  Sir  William's  proposal ;  and  they  parted 
with  resentment  at  least  on  one  side,  and  displeasure  on 
froth. 
He  procured  a  slight  recommendation  to  Lord  Capei 


20  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

ther.  lord  deputy  of  Ireland,  and  was  ordained  in  Sep- 
tember, 1694,  being  then  almost  twenty-seven  years  old. 
Soon  after,  Lord  Capel  gave  him  the  prebend  of  Kil- 
root,  in  the  diocese  of  Connor,  worth  about  a  hundred 
pounds  a  year.  To  this  place  Swift  repaired  to  dis- 
charge the  duties  of  his  office,  and  taste,  for  the  first 
time,  the  sweets  of  independence.  But  there  were  many 
serious  drawbacks  on  his  happiness  ;  he  was  placed  in 
a  very  obscure  situation  and  in  a  half-civilized  country  ; 
he  enjoyed  none  of  the  charms  of  society,  or  the  advan- 
tages of  enlightened  conversation :  his  mind  looked 
back  with  regret  to  the  delights  which  Moor  Park 
had  so  long  afforded  ;  he  was  also  reluctant  that  his 
talents  and  his  ambition  should  be  buried  in  the  seclu- 
sion of  a  distant  and  deserted  place  ;  and  having  received 
a  kind  letter  from  Sir  William  himself,  which  proved 
that  all  animosities  had  subsided,  and  which  contained 
an  invitation  to  his  house.  Swift  resigned  his  living,  and 
hastened  to  England,  after  a  little  more  than  a  year's 
absence.  His  residence  with  Sir  William  Temple  was 
now  voluntary ;  and  they  appear  to  have  lived  in  mutual 
confidence  and  esteem.  Swift  maintained  his  same 
diligent  pursuit  of  study,  and  performed  he  duties  of 
chaplain  in  the  family. 

Swift  took  on  himself  the  office  of  preceptor  to  a 
niece  of  Sir  W.  Temple,  who  resided  in  the  house ; 
and,  at  the  same  time,  Miss  Esther  Johnson,  so  well 
known  as  Stella,  shared  the  benefits  of  the  instructor. 
Miss  Johnson  was  daughter  of  a  gentleman  of  good 
family  in  Nottingham,  by  profession  a  merchant  in 
London  ;  she  was  about  fourteen  years  of  age,  very 
beautiful,  possessing  fine  talents,  and  it  is  not  to  be 
wondered  at,  that  Swift  took  peculiar  pleasure  in  culti- 
vating and  improving  her  mind,  though  he  probably 


THE    LIFE   OF   SWIFT.  21 

little  thought  how  closely  their  fortunes  and  their  fame 
were  hereatter  to  be  united.  He  wrote  his  digressions 
in  the  Tale  of  a  Tub  and  the  Battle  of  the  Books  at 
this  time. 

Sir  W.  Temple  died  in  the  year  1699,  leaving  Swift 
a  legacy  and  the  advantage  to  be  derived  from  publish- 
ing his  posthumous  writings.  He  also  obtained  from 
King  William  a  promise  of  a  stall  at  Canterbury  or 
Westminster  for  him.  How  much  Swift  esteemed  him, 
may  be  seen  in  a  part  of  the  register  which  he  kept  of 
Sir  William's  illness,  where  he  concludes  : — "  He  died 
at  1  o'clock  in  the  morning,  and  with  him  all  that  was 
great  and  good  among  men."  From  another  memoran- 
dum copied  by  Thomas  Steele,  Esq.  jun.  we  have  this 
further  character  of  his  patron : — "  He  was  a  person  of 
the  greatest  wisdom,  justice,  liberality,  politeness,  ele- 
gance, of  his  age  and  nation.  The  truest  lover  of  his 
country,  and  one  that  deserved  more  from  it,  by  his 
eminent  public  services,  than  any  man  before  or  since, 
besides  his  great  deserving  of  the  Commonwealth  of 
having  been  universally  esteemed  the  most  accomplish- 
ed writer  of  his  time." 

On  the  death  of  Sir  W.  Temple,  Swift  removed  to 
London,  and  his  first  care  was  to  discharge  the  trust 
reposed  on  him  of  publishing  a  full  and  correct  edition 
of  his  patron's  works.  This  he  dedicated  to  the  king. 
After  waiting  some  time  for  the  fulfilment  of  the  promise 
made  for  his  advancement  in  the  church,  he  addressed 
a  memorial  to  the  monarch ;  but  it  is  said  that  Swift 
had  reason  to  believe  that  the  Earl  of  Romney,  who 
promised  to  second  it  with  all  his  interest,  in  fact  sup- 
pressed it,  and  never  mentioned  it  at  all.  After  waiting 
some  time  in  vain,  he  relinquished  his  hopes  of  prefer- 
ment and  accepted  the  offer  made  to  him  by  Lord 


22  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

Berkeley  of  attending  him  to  Ireland  as  his  private 
secretary  and  chaplain.  When  they  arrived  at  Dublin, 
he  found  himself  supplanted  in  the  former  office  by  a 
person  of  the  name  of  Bush,  who  had  ingratiated  him- 
self into  his  lordship's  favour.  Swift's  indignation,  ever 
ready  to  awaken  at  the  first  appearance  of  insult,  took 
flame,  and  he  lampooned  without  mercy  the  governor 
and  his  new  made  secretary,  in  a  copy  of  Verses  tfiat 
were  widely  circulated.  The  rich  deanery  of  Derry 
now  fell  vacant,  and  Swift  applied  for  it.  Lord  Berkeley 
said  it  had  been  promised  to  Bush  for  another,  but  that 
perhaps  the  affair  might  be  arranged.  Swift  had  an 
interview  with  the  Secretary,  who  frankly  told  him  that 
he  was  to  have  a  thousand  pounds  for  il.  Swift  knew 
this  could  not  be  done  without  Lord  Berkeley's  partici- 
pation, and  made  no  other  answer  than  "  God  confound 
you  both  for  a  couple  of  rascals."  He  then  left  the 
castle,  resolving  to  see  him  no  more.  Lord  Berkeley 
was,  however,  unwilling  to  exasperate  a  person  who 
could  so  successfully  revenge  himself,  and  he  therefore 
presented  him  to  the  rectory  of  Agher,  and  the  vicarage 
of  Laracor  and  Rath-beggin.  in  the  diocese  of  Meath 
They  were  not  worth,  in  value,  a  third  of  the  deanery, 
but  Swif .  had  experienced  sufficiently  the  uncertainty 
of  courtly  promises  to  trust  much  to  the  chances  of  the 
future,  he,  therefore,  accepted  them,  and  kept  on  friend- 
ly terms  with  his  lordship,  one  inducement  to  which 
was,  the  eespect  he  felt  for  the  Countess,  whose  virtues 
and  excellencies  he  has  praised  in  his  introduction  to 
the  Project  for  the  Advancement  of  Religion. 

It  was  at  this  time  that  his  talent  in  light  and  humor- 
ous poetry  was  first  displayed,  which  he  wrote  for  the 
amusement  of  his  lordship's  family ;  but  when  the  gov- 
ernment of  Ireland  devolved  on  another  person,  Swift 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIfcT.  23 

etired  to  his  living  at  Laracor,  conscientiously  dis- 
charging the  duties  of  his  office.  It  appears,  from  some 
letters  which  have  found  their  way  into  the  world,  that 
he  had  been  enamoured  of  a  young  lady  of  the  name 
of  Jane  Waryng,  sister  of  his  chamber-fellow  at  col- 
lege. As  she  had  but  a  slender  fortune  of  about  £100 
a-year,  and  Swift  at  that  time  was  in  possession  of  no 
certain  income,  her  good  sense  and  prudence  made  her 
resolve  to  delay  their  union  till  they  were  in  possession 
of  an  income  competent  to  their  support.  A  letter  from 
Swift,  dated  April,  1696.  is  published,  which  is  written 
in  the  usual  style  of  a  complaining  lover,  and  which 
accuses  his  Varina  of  formality  and  coldness,  and  too 
great  an  observance  of  the  customs  and  opinions  of  the 
world.  He  tells  her,  "  that  he  has  resolved  to  die  as 
ae  has  lived — all  hers  ;  and  that  matrimony  is  a  just 
and  honorable  action,  which  would  furnish  health  to 
her."  After  he  had  obtained  his  preferment,  which 
amounted  to  about  £400  a-year.  Varina.  having  her 
only  objection  removed,  naturally  looked  forward  to  the 
fulfilment  of  their  engagement ;  but  the  fascination  of 
a  more  attractive  person  had  begun  to  show  its  influence 
over  our  faithless  lover's  heart.  A  second  letter  ap- 
pears, four  years  after  the  one  mentioned  (May,  1700), 
in  which  there  is  a  very  remarkable  alteration  of  style 
and  address.  It  is  written  in  the  terms  of  one  anxious 
to  escape  from  a  connexion  which  he  regrets  ever  to 
have  formed.  Every  trifling  excuse  is  found,  and  every 
imaginable  impediment  introduced,  and  there  are  de- 
mands made  by  him,  and  expressions  used,  which  put 
their  union  on  a  footing  so  humiliating  to  the  lady,  that 
-ertainlyno  female  could  for  a  moment  have  entertained 
the  idea  of  acquiescing  in  such  a  proposal.  Though  I 
have  had  no  experience  in  love  myself,  and  am  ignorant 


24  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

of  the  sensibilities  and  feelings  of  the  female  heart,  yw< 
I  should  think  no  lady  could  expect  to  be  questioned  by 
her  lover  concerning  the  state  of  her  health  and  the 
cleanliness  of  her  person ;  but  the  true  cause  of  Swift's 
declining  affections  were  now  to  be  more  clearly  seen. 
Stella,  for  so  Esther  Johnson  must  hereafter  be  called, 
was  now  eighteen ;  after  the  death  of  Sir  W.  Temple 
she  resided  with  a  lady  of  the  name  of  Dingley,  who 
was  related  to  the  family  of  Temple.  Stella's  fortune 
consisted  of  one  thousand  pounds,  bequeathed  by  Sir 
William,  and  Mrs.  Dingley's  annuity  was  exceedingly 
email.  When  Swift,  therefore,  proposed  to  both  the 
ladies  to  come  over  to  Ireland  to  reside,  where  the  in- 
terest of  money  was  greater,  and  the  price  of  living 
much  less,  it  is  no  wonder  that  the  invitation  was  re- 
ceived with  pleasure.  Soon  after  their  arrival  they 
took  a  lodging  at  Trim,  a  town  situated  near  Laracor, 
and  their  presence  and  conversation  reconciled  him  to 
his  obscure  retirement.  Of  the  softer  and  romantic 
qualities  of  the  heart,  which  open  the  avenues  of  love, 
Swift  was  entirely  devoid ;  his  mind  was  bent  on  higher 
objects,  and  interested  in  busier  and  more  ambitious 
scenes.  I  have  no  doubt  but  that  he  regarded  the 
blooming  and  beautiful  Stella  with  the  most  sincere 
friendship,  and  with  something  more  than  a  brotherly 
fondness  and  affection ;  but  women  turn  every  thing 
into  love.  If  Stella  did  not  mistake  the  nature  of  Swift's 
attachment,  she  did  not  consider  the  other  passions  of 
his  mind  which  might  oppose  or  weaken  it ;  of  most 
men  she  would  probably  have  judged  rightly ;  but  un- 
fortunately she  had  to  speculate  on  the  motives  of  a 
person  eminently  singular  in  his  temper  and  thoughts, 
inclined  to  move  out  of  the  road  which  leads  to  general 
happiness,  and  to  find  one  more  congenial  to  his  OWD 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  25 

disposition.  There  is  a  kind  of  attachment  which  it  is 
not  always  easy  to  distinguish  from  love,  and  which  ia 
yet  distinct  from  it ;  either  Stella's  want  of  sagacity 
could  not  separate  these,  or  her  hopes  and  affections 
forced  her  to  overlook  the  distinction.  An  event  to'ok 
place  a  year  or  two  after  this  time,  which  we  might 
conjecture  would  one  way  or  another  have  brought 
Swift's  feelings  to  a  decision,  and  cleared  up  all  the 
past  ambiguity  of  his  conduct.  Stella  received  an  offer 
of  marriage  from  the  Rev.  Dr.  Tisdall,  a  friend  and 
companion  of  Swift's.  Swift  was,  of  course,  consulted 
by  her,  and,  we  may  suppose,  with  no  common  anxiety 
as  to  the  result  of  his  opinion.  That  he  could  not  wish 
the  offer  to  be  accepted  must  be  obvious ;  but  the  answer 
which  he  returned  to  Dr.  Tisdall  certainly  left  the  field 
open  to  his  solicitations ;  he  says,  "  In  answer,  1  will, 
upon  my  honour  and  conscience,  tell  you  the  naked 
truth.  If  my  fortunes  and  humour  served  me  to  think 
of  that  state,  I  should  certainly,  of  all  persons  on  earth, 
make  your  choice,  because  I  never  saw  that  person 
whose  conversation  I  entirely  valued  but  hers.  This 
was  ths  utmost  I  ever  gave  way  to.  And,  secondly,  I 
must  assure  you  sincerely  that  this  regard  of  mine 
never  once  entered  into  my  head  to  be  any  impedi- 
ment to  you."  The  proposal  was,  however,  declined  by 
Stella,  doubtless  from  her  great  attachment  to  Swift, 
and  her  hopes  of  seeing  her  happiness  confirmed  by 
his  marriage  with  her.  "  Swift,"  says  Scott,  "  main- 
tained a  long  acquaintance  with  Tisdall  without  ever 
liking  him,  and  he  certainly  felt  rivalry  in  the  case  of 
Stella." 

In  1701,  Swift  went  to  London,  leaving  his  parish  and 
his  charming  companions,  in  the  hopes,  it  is  said,  of  dia- 
sovering  some  opportunity  of  distinguishing  himself 
3 


26  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

and  advancing  his  fortune.  He  found  the  public  mind 
in  a  ferment,  occasioned  by  the  impeachment  of  the 
Earls  of  Portland  and  Oxford,  Lord  Somers  and  Lord 
Halifax,  by  the  House  of  Commons,  on  account  of  their 
share  in  the  Partition  Treaty  ;  on  thie  occasrioL  i.e  ~r-LC 
his  first  political  tract — ';  A  Discourse  of  the  Contests 
and  Dissensi  us  of  Athene  and  Rome."  Tfte  na:r  e  <v 
the  author  v'Jii?  for  sorre  time  uiiazsowri  j  out  en  h's 
return  to  In  c,nc,  ;n  the  heat  of  conversation,  Swift 
confessed  to  Bishop  Sheridan  that  he  wrote  it,  while 
the  Bishop  insisted  that  it  was  written  by  Burnet :  this 
is  said  to  be  the  only  instance  that  Swift  was  ever  known 
to  have  owned  directly  any  piece  of  his  that  came  in 
secrecy  before  the  public. 

Early  in  the  ensuing  spring,  King  William  died,  and 
Swift,  on  his  next  visit  to  London,  found  Q,ueen  Anne 
upon  the  throne.  The  whigs  had  the  whole  adminis- 
tration of  affairs  within  their  hands,  and  they  looked  on 
Swift  as  a  staunch  adherent  of  their  party ;  but  he  con- 
sidered some  of  their  measures  dangerous  and  uncon- 
stitutional, and  declined  all  the  overtures  which  they 
anxiously  made  him.  The  principles  on  which  he  pro- 
fessed to  act  were  too  moderate  to  please  any  party, 
especially  in  a  season  of  political  excitement ;  more 
especially  he  differed  with  them  in  what  he  considered 
their  indifference  to  (he  interests  of  the  church.  He 
described  himself  at  this  period,  in  his  Verses  to  Ardelia 
(Mrs.  Finch),  as  "  a  whigj  and  one  who  wears  a  gown." 
though  a  high  church  whig,  as  Scott  observes,  was  a 
political  character  of  which  all  parties  refused  to  re- 
cognise the  existence.  He  withdrew,  therefore,  again 
to  his  living,  performed  fully  and  exactly  all  the  paro 
chial  duties  of  it.  Once  a  year  he  visited  his  mother  in 
Leicestershire,  and  occasionally  mingled  in  the  society 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  27 

of  London.  During  those  years  he  wrote  little,  except 
his  Meditations  on  a  Broomstick,  and  the  Critical  Essay 
on  the  Faculties  of  the  Mind.  The  former  was  a  spor- 
tive imitation  of  the  style  in  which  Boyle's  Meditations 
are  written  ;  and  Swift  gravely  read  it  to  Lady  Berk 
eley  as  a  genuine  effusion  of  that  pious  and  learned 
author. 

Swift,  at  this  time,  was  not  acquainted  with  many 
authors  of  eminence.  Congreve  he  had  met  at  Sir 
William  Temple's,  and  a  ludicrous  account  is  given  of 
his  first  interview  with  Addison  and  Arbuthnot,  at  But- 
ton's Coffee  House.  But  he  was  soon  to  be  brought 
into  more  general  notice.  In  1704,  the  celebrated  Tale 
of  a  Tub  was  published.  Though  it  appeared  without 
a  name,  yet  it  had  been  often  shown  in  manuscript  at 
Sir  W.  Temple's  to  his  relatives  and  friends.  Swift, 
with  singular  indifference  to  fame,  had  kept  this  piece 
by  him  for  eight  years  after  it  had  been  completely 
finished.  Of  this  book  Dr.  Johnson  says,  "  Charity 
may  be  persuaded  to  think  that  it  might  be  written  by 
a  man  of  a  peculiar  character  without  ill  intention;  but 
it  is  certainly  of  dangerous  example."  When  this  wild 
work  first  roused  the  attention  of  the  public,  Sacheverell 
meeting  Smalridge,  tried  to  flatter  him,  seeming  to  think 
him  the  author;  but  Smalridge  answered  with  indigna- 
tion,— "  Not  all  that  you  and  I  have  in  the  world,  nor  all 
that  we  ever  shall  have,  should  hire  me  to  write  the 
Tale  of  a  Tub."  There  can  be  no  doubt  but  that  the 
offence  given  by  this  work  proved  to  be  the  real  bar 
which  prevented  Swift's  ever  attaining  an  eminent 
situation  in  the  church.  The  author  hath  reason  (said 
Atterbury)  to  conceal  himself,  because  of  the  profane 
strokes  in  that  piece,  which  would  do  his  reputation  and 
interest  in  the  world  more  harm  than  his  wit  can  do  him 


28  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

good.  After  the  publication  of  this  work,  Swift  wrote 
nothing  of  consequence  for  three  or  four  years.  He 
formed,  however,  a  very  close  connexion  with  Addison, 
which  ripened  into  a  sincere  and  lasting  friendship. 
Swift  considered  his  conversation  to  be  the  most  agree- 
able he  ever  met  with ;  and  Addison  appears  to  have 
thought  most  highly  of  the  genius  of  Swift. 

In  1708,  he  published  several  pieces  on  religious  and 
political  subjects.  "  The  Argument  against  Abolishing 
Christianity  "  was  allowed  to  be  an  admirable  specimen 
of  very  successful  irony.  He  wrote  also  the  Sentiments 
of  a  Church  of  England  Man,  which  was  the  cause  of 
the  first  coolness  between  him  and  his  original  friends 
of  the  whig  party.  He  had  stated  to  Lord  Somers  that 
although  he  felt  himself  inclined  to  be  a  whig  in  politics, 
he  was,  as  to  clerical  rights,  a  high  churchman,  and  did 
not  conceive  how  it  was  possible  that  one  who  wore  the 
habit  of  a  clergyman  should  not  be  so.  But  ail  attempts 
at  reconciling  high  church  politics  to  whig  principles 
soon  appeared  to  be  desperate ;  and  the  interests  of  his 
order  prevailed  with  Swift  over  his  favour  for  the  politi- 
cal principles  of  Somers  and  Godolphin.  His  letter  on 
"  The  Sacramental  Test "  completed  the  alienation. 
He  wrote  also,  The  Sentiments  of  a  Church  of  England 
Man  (which  was  the  cause  of  the  first  coolness  between 
him  and  his  original  friends  of  the  whig  party)  and  the 
Ridicule  of  Astrology,  under  the  name  of  Bickerstaff, 
and  the  Defence  of  the  Sacramental  Test.  With  re- 
gard to  the  last  subject,  Dr.  Johnson  remarks,  "  that 
the  reasonableness  of  a  test  is  not  hard  to  be  proved, 
but  perhaps  it  must  be  allowed  that  the  proper  test  has 
not  been  chosen."  The  attention  paid  to  the  papers 
under  the  name  of  Bickerstaff  induced  Steele,  when  he 
projected  the  Tatler,  to  assume  an  appellation  that  had 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  29 

already  gained  possession  of  the  reader's  notice.  The 
object  of  the  Church  of  England  Man  was  one  that  haa 
invariably  failed  as  often  as  it  has  been  tried,  which  was 
to  moderate  the  violence  of  two  contending  parties,  and 
to  propose  an  intermediate  ground  on  which  they  could 
meet ;  he  wished  to  drop  the  terms  of  high  and  low 
church,  which  were  only  calculated  to  keep  up  am 
mosity  ;  "  and  to  set  down  a  just,  political,  and  religious 
creed,  so  far  as  related  to  a  connexion  between  Church 
and  State,  as  every  honest  subject  of  the  Church  of 
England  must  at  once  assent  to." 

The  Whigs,  who  had  narrowly  escaped  being  turned 
out  of  office  by  the  intrigues  of  Mr.  Harley,  and  who 
nad  hitherto  looked  on  Swift  as  an  uncertain  friend, 
who  did  not  enter  fully  into  their  opinions,  now  coveted 
him,  when  they  saw  the  great  and  various  talents 
which  he  had  displayed  ;  they  were  willing  to  make 
him  their  champion  whom  they  dreaded  as  their  enemy ; 
but  Swift's  opinions  were  firm,  and  proof  against  all 
solicitation :  they  therefore  wished  to  remove  him  by 
giving  him  some  honourable  situation  abroad  ;  a  secre- 
taryship to  the  embassy  at  Vienna  was  mentioned ;  and 
what  to  Swift  would  have  been  a  i'ar  more  desirable 
appointment,  a  scheme  was  on  foot  to  make  him  Bishop 
of  Virginia,  with  a  general  authority  over  all  the  clergy 
in  the  American  colonies. 

In  the  year  following  he  wrote  "  A  Project  for  the 
Advancement  of  Religion,"  addressed  to  Lady  Berke- 
ley. "  To  this  Project,"  says  Johnson,  "  which  is  formed 
with  just  purity  of  intention,  and  displayed  with  spright- 
liness  and  elegance,  it  can  only  be  objected,  that  like 
many  projects,  if  not  generally  impracticable,  it  is  yet 
evidently  hopeless,  as  it  supposes  more  zeal,  concord, 
and  perseverance,  than  a  view  of  mankind  gives  reason 
3* 


30  THE    LIFrf    OF    SWIFT. 

for  expecting."  Sheridan  considers  that  the  treatise 
had  a  political  purpose,  and  that  under  the  appearance 
of  disinterestedness  inculcating  the  principles  of  religion 
and  morality,  it  aimed  at  the  destruction  of  the  power 
of  the  Whigs. 

After  the  publication  of  this  piece,  Swift  went  to 
Ireland,  where  he  remained  till  the  following  year, 
when  the  fall  of  the  Whig  ministry  under  Godolphin 
and  Somers  took  place,  and  Mr.  Harley  and  St.  John 
came  into  power.  He  passed  much  of  his  time  with 
Addison,  secretary  to  the  Earl  of  Wharton,  then  lord 
lieutenant.  He  was  also  requested  by  the  bishops  of 
Ireland  to  take  on  him  the  charge  of  soliciting  a  remis- 
sion of  the  first  fruits  and  tenths  to  the  clergy  of  that 
kingdom.  He  took  the  office  with  reluctance,  but  his 
regard  for  the  interests  of  the  church  outweighed  all 
other  considerations,  and  he  set  out  for  England  as  soon 
as  his  credentials  were  ready.  It  may  be  observed,  in 
Swift's  correspondence  with  Archbishop  King  on  this 
subject,  how  anxious  he  was  that  his  friend  Harley 
should  have  the  merit  of  the  grant  to  the  clergy  of  Ire- 
land ;  while  the  archbishop,  not  very  partial  to  the  new 
administration,  was  disposed  to  consider  it  as  an  act  of 
the  queen's  personal  bounty. 

On  his  arrival  in  London,  in  September,  1700,  Swift 
found  that  there  was  war  declared  between  the  two  par- 
ties. There  was  no  room  for  moderating  measures  ; 
and  he  was  obliged,  according  to  his  own  principles  of 
action,  to  choose  the  side  on  which  he  would  act.  The 
Whigs  would  gladly  have  made  sacrifices  to  secure  him, 
out  the  good  fortune  of  the  Tories  prevailed  ;  for  Swift's 
political  opinions,  (as  Scott  observes)  turned  chiefly 
upon  zeal  for  the  interests  of  his  order.  "  I  should  be  ter- 
ribly vexed,"  he  says  in  his  Journal, tl  to  see  things  come 


THU    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  31 

round  again ;  it  would  ruin  the  church  and  the  clergy 
for  ever."  He  was  also  enraged  at  his  cool  reception 
from  Lord  Godolphin,  which  he  revenged  by  his  lam- 
poon of  Sid  Hamet,  read  at  Harley's  October  15,  1710, 
but  not  suspected  to  be  Swift's.  It  had  imrrjense  BUC- 
cess.  f 

Swift's  office  of  soliciting  the  remission  of  the  first 
fruits  led  to  interviews  with  Harley,  and  the  minister  did 
not  lose  the  favourable  opportunity.  Swift,  it  appears, 
had  long  been,  in  his  own  mind,  of  the  Tory  side,  and  he 
only  waited  a  convenient  juncture  to  declare  himself. 
He  was  represented  "  as  one  extremely  ill-used  by  the 
last  ministry."  Harley's  condescension  flattered  his 
pride  ;  his  obliging  behaviour  secured  his  friendship , 
accordingly,  after  he  had  inquired  into  their  plans,  and 
the  measures  which  they  meant  to  pursue,  and  found 
them  agreeable  to  his  own  sentiments,  he  entered  into 
their  interests  with  his  whole  heart.  He  says  in  his 
Journal,  November  29,  1710,  "  The  present  ministry 
have  a  difficult  task,  and  want  me.  According  to  the 
best  judgment  I  have,  they  are  pursuing  the  true  inter- 
est of  the  public,  and,  therefore,  I  arn  glad  to  contribute 
all  that  lies  in  my  power."  His  account  of  his  inter- 
view wilh  Lord  Radnor,  proves  how  zealous  a  partisan 
lie  was.  The  writers  on  both  sides  had  already  taken 
the  field.  Addison,  Burnet,  Steele,  Congreve,  and 
Rowe,  were  the  leaders  of  the  Whigs.  For  the  Tories 
appeared  Botingbroke,  Freind,  Atterbury,  and  Prior. 
The  latter  had  begun  a  paper  called  "  The  Examiner," 
to  which  they  all  contributed ;  but  as  soon  as  Swift  ap- 
peared, they  gladly  resigned  (he  controversial  flail  into 
his  powerful  hands,  who  had  returned  from  Ireland, 
stung  w'.th  resentment  at  the  neglect  he  had  experi- 
enced ^rom  Lord  Wharton,  and  burning  with  revenge 


82  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

upon  the  whole  Whig  party.  Addison  soon  detected 
the  new  auxiliary,  and  retired  from  the  field,  though 
Dr.  Johnson  considers  that  his  papers  were  superior  to 
his  antagonist's.  Swift's  first  paper  was  published  on 
the  2nd  of  November,  1710.  No.  13,  which  was  little 
more  than  a  month  after  his  introduction  to  Harley,  and 
he  continued  them  till  June  7,  1711,  when  he  closed  it 
with  No.  45,  leaving  it  to  be  carried  on  by  other  hands. 
He  was  then  on  terms  of  entire  intimacy  with  the  whole 
ministry;  this  he  best  preserved  by  a  line  of  conduct, 
showing  his  independence  and  self-respect.  Harley 
sent  him  a  bank-note  of  fifty  pounds.  Swift  had  the 
good  sense  and  prudence  to  return  it,  and  was  not  re- 
conciled to  the  minister  till  he  had  let  him  know  that 
he  expected  to  be  treated  on  a  footing  of  entire  equali- 
ty. One  must  feel  a  little  surprise  that  Harley  did  not 
better  understand  the  character  of  the  person  to  whom 
this  trifling  remuneration  was  offered 

The  ministry  had  endeavoured  to  act  upon  a  tempo- 
rizing system.  It  stood,  as  Swift  says, f:  like  an  isthmus 
between  the  Whigs  on  one  side,  and  the  violent  Toriea 
on  the  other.  They  are  able  seamen,  but  the  tempest 
is  too  great,  the  ship  too  rotten,  and  the  crew  all  against 
them."  Lord  Somers  wa's  seen  more  than  once  in 
the  queen's  closet,  and  the  Duchess  of  Somerset,  an  in- 
triguing and  insinuating  woman,  who  had  succeeded  the 
Duchess  of  Marlborough,  held  the  key.  Again,  he 
says,  "  we  are  plagued  with  an  October  club,  that  is,  a 
set  of  above  one  hundred  parliament  men  of  the  county  ^ 
who  drink  October  beer  at  home,  and  meet  every  even- 
ing at  a  tavern  near  the  parliament,  to  consult  on  affairs, 
and  drive  things  to  extremes  against  the  Whigs.  The 
minority  is  for  gentle  measures,  and  the  other  Toriea 
for  more  violent"  But  there  were  also  divisior  s  m  the 


LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  33 

camp.  Harley  was  reserved  and  mysterious  in  his  con- 
duct, and  procrastinating  in  his  measures,  and  St.  John, 
though  a  person  of  great  spirit  and  energy,  wasted 
much  important  time  in  his  pleasures  and  habits  of  dis- 
sipation. Swift  expostulated,  sometimes  seriously,  some 
times  jocosely,  with  both.  The  Whig  leaders  he  knew 
to  be  active  and  zealous,  leaving  nothing  undone,  while 
his  friends  were  remiss  in  their  operations,  and  not 
united  in  their  counsels.  Two  points  he  thought  of  the 
utmost  importance ;  the  one  was,  to  put  an  end  to  the 
cabals  of  the  October  cla  *  which  threatened  the  most 
dangerous  consequences  to  ;he  ministry ;  the  other  was, 
to  make  a  peace,  without  which  he  considered  the  min- 
istry could  not  stand.  The  first  point  was  accomplished 
without  difficulty.  He  published  a  little  pamphlet, 
called,  "  Some  Advice  to  the  Members  of  the  October 
Club."  They  were  satisfied  with  the  reasonings,  and 
dropped  their  meetings.  The  affair  of  the  peace  was 
of  greater  difficulty,  for  the  disposition  of  the  nation  was 
for  war,  and  the  ministry  dared  not  even  hint  a  desire 
to  put  an  end  to  it.  Swift,  however,  undertook  the 
task,  and  drew  up,  in  consequence,  his  famous  political 
tract,  called,  "  The  Conduct  of  the  Allies."  It  is  said, 
that  between  November  and  January  eleven  thousand 
were  sold :  the  object  of  it,  as  is  well  known,  was  to 
prove  that  the  war  was  maintained  at  a  prodigious  cost 
by  us,  solely  through  the  avarice  and  ambition  of  Marl- 
borough,  and  for  the  advantage  of  the  allies.  Certain, 
it  seems,  that  the  ministry  were  indebted  to  Swift  for 
their  immediate  preservation  from  a  destruction  which 
appeared  inevitable,  and  for  the  solid  establishment  of 
their  future  power.  He  found  time  amid  political  en- 
gagements to  publish  a  proposal  for  correcting,  improv- 
ing, and  ascertaining  the  English  Tongue,  in  a.  letter  to 


i4  LIFE   OF   SWIFT. 

the  Earl  of  Oxford.  The  plan  which  he  wished  to  in- 
stitute for  effecting  this  purpose,  seems,  if  not  absurd, 
at  least,  exceedingly  defective ;  as  Swift  possessed  no 
knowledge  of  those  ancient  languages,  the  parents  of 
our  own,  which  could  alone  safely  guide  him  in  his  pro- 
jected inquiries.  The  purity  of  a  language  will  never 
be  preserved  by  the  laws  of  an  academy,  who  them- 
selves participate  in  the  cause  of  its  change,  and  who 
neither  have  power  to  effect  its  renewal,  or  delay  its 
decline. 

This  year,  1712,  he  published  his  Reflections  on  the 
Barrier  Treaty,  showing  how  little  regard  had  been 
shown  in  that  negotiation  to  the  interest  of  England, 
and  how  much  had  been  claimed  by  the  Dutch.  This 
was  followed  by  "  Remarks  on  the  Bishop  of  Sarum's 
Introduction  to  the  third  volume  of  the  History  of  the 
Reformation."  Sheridan  thinks  highly  of  the  humour 
and  argument  of  these  two  pamphlets  :  he  says,  "  This 
distinguishes  Swift's  political  tracts  from  all  others — 
that  these  were  written  for  a  day,  his  for  perpetuity. 
They  borrowed  their  chief  merit  from  circumstances 
and  times,  he  from  the  immensity  of  his  genius.  Their 
chief  value  arose  from  fashion,  his  from  weight."  Cer- 
tainly Swift  brought  greater  vigour  of  thought,  richness 
o"  humour,  variety  of  fancy,  and  pungency  of  satire  to 
bear  on  political  disquisitions  than  any  writer  of  his 
day. 

In  1713  the  printer,  Barker,  was  prosecuted  by  the 
House  of  Lord's  for  "  The  Public  Spirit  of  the  Whigs," 
a  pamphlet  written  in  answer  to  a  tract  of  Sir  Richard 
Steele's,  called  "  The  Crisis."  All  the  Scotch  Lords 
then  in  London  went  to  the  Q,ueen  and  complained  of 
the  affront  put  on  them  and  their  nation  by  the  author ; 
upon  which  a  proclamation  was  published  by  her  ma« 


.     - 
THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  35 

jesty,  offering  a  reward  of  three  hundred  pounds  tc 
discover  him.  Lord  Oxford  sent  Swift  a  letter,  written 
in  a  counterfeit  hand,  inclosing  a  hundred  pound  bill,  to 
meet  the  expenses  of  the  case. 

The  ministry  were  not  unmindful  of  the  great  bene- 
fits which  he  had  conferred  upon  them ;  but  they  found 
many  serious  obstacles  in  their  way,  when  they  at- 
tempted to  reward  him  in  the  only  manner  which  he 
deserved,  by  a  suitable  and  dignified  preferment  in  the 
churrJx.  The  Duchess  of  Somerset  returned  Swift's 
hatred  with  interest ;  when  he  was  recommended  to  a 
bishopric  (the  See  of  Hereford)  she  prevailed  on 
Sharpe,  the  Archbishop  of  York,  to  oppose  it,  who 
advised  the  Queen,  "  That  her  majesty  should  be  sure 
that  the  man  whom  she  was  going  to  make  a  Bishop, 
was  a  Christian."  When  asked  for  reasons  to  support 
his  insinuations,  he  could  only  suppose  that  Swift  was 
the  author  of  the  Tale  of  a  Tub.  -But  the  Duchess 
had  stronger  arguments  and  better  influence.  She 
went  to  the  Queen,  with  tears  in  her  eyes,  and  throwing 
herself  on  her  knees,  presented  that  bitter  copy  of  verses 
which  Swift  had  written  against  her,  called  the  Windsor 
Prophecy.  The  Queen  shared  in  the  resentment  of 
her  favourite,  and  the  Bishopric  was  bestowed  on 
another. 

After  many  difficulties  and  much  procrastination, 
arising  from  the  Queen's  dislike  to  bestow  any  prefer- 
ment in  England  on  Swift,  and  from  Lord  Oxford's 
unwillingness  to  part  with  him,  in  April  1713  the 
Deanery  of  St.  Patrick  was  obtained  for  him,  worth 
about  seven  hundred  a  year,  and  which  he  professed 
to  consider  only  as  an  tonourable  exile.  Swift  was 
anxious  for  preferment  in  England,  but  it  could  not  be 
obtained ;  and  in  June  he  set  out,  in  no  very  good  hu- 


38  LIFE    OF    SWIFT 

raour,  for  Ireland,  to  be  installed.  He  had  intended  t« 
remain  some  time,  but  after  having  passed  through  the 
necessary  forms,  he  was  recalled  to  England,  to  prevent 
by  his  efforts  a  rupture  between  his  friends,  Lord 
Oxford  and  Bolingbroke.  He  also  applied  himself  to 
the  finishing  the  History  of  the  Peace  of  Utrecht,  which 
he  put  into  the  hands  of  Lord  Oxford  and  Bolingbroke 
for  publication.  Scarcely  had  he  a  second  time  returned 
to  his  deanery,  than  he  was  urgently  sent  for  on  the 
same  hopeless  errand  of  reconciling  persons  between 
whom  there  seemed  to  exist  no  cordiality  or  mutual 
esteem.  This  effort  was  as  fruitless  as  the  former,  and 
Swift,  after  the  most  unavailing  conference,  returned  to 
the  house  of  his  friend,  Mr.  Geary,  at  Letcomb  ;  there 
he  composed  his  Pamphlet,  called  "  Some  free  Thoughts 
upon  the  present  State  of  Affairs ;"  in  which  the  system 
of  Tory  government  recommended  is  as  daring,  danger- 
ous, and  unconstitutional,  as  was  ever  advanced  by  a 
party-writer.  He  charges  the  ministers  as  the  chief 
causes  of  the  reigning  disorders,  and  lays  the  greatest 
load  of  blame  upon  the  man  he  loved  best  in  the  world, 
Lord  Oxford.  It  is  said,  that  he  believed  both  Lord 
Oxford  and  Bolingbroke  were  now  more  engaged  in 
advancing  their  schemes  of  personal  ambition,  than 
anxious  to  discharge  their  duties  to  the  public ;  and  his 
object  was  tc  alarm  their  fears  with  the  probability  of 
their  being  deserted,  both  by  their  party  and  the  Queen. 
The  death  of  the  latter,  however,  put  a  stop  to  the  pub- 
lication of  his  work.  Swift's  prospects  of  advancement 
or  ambition,  if  he  ever  entertained  any,  were  suddenly 
and  permanently  closed ;  and  having  nothing  more  to 
do  in  England,  he  returned  to  his ,  deanery,  where  he 
resided  for  many  years.  It  may  be  proper  in  this  place 
to  mention,  that  during  the  time  when  Swift  possessed 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  37 

influence  over  the  ministry,  he  exercised  it  with  most 
disinterested  zeal  to  promote  the  advancement  of  men 
of  genius  and  talent,  who  were  directly  opposed  to  him 
in  politics.  In  his  journal  he  says,  "  I  have  taken  more 
pains  to  recommend  the  Whig  wits  to  the  favour  and 
mercy  of  the  ministers,  than  any  other  people.  Steele 
I  have  kept  in  his  place.  Congreve  I  have  got  to  be 
used  kindly,  and  secured.  Rowe  I  have  recommended, 
and  got  a  promise  of  a  place.  Philips  I  should  cer- 
tainly have  provided  for,  if  he  had  not  run  party  mad, 
and  made  me  withdraw  my  recommendations.  I  set 
Addison  so  right  at  first,  that  he  might  have  been  em- 
ployed, and  have  permanently  secured  him  the  place 
he  has,  yet  I  am  worse  used  by  that  faction  than  any 
man."  He  says,  in  a  letter  to  Lady  Betly  Germaine, 
"  When  I  had  credit  for  some  years  at  Court,  I  provided 
for  above  fifty  people  in  both  kingdoms,  of  which  not 
one  was  a  relation."  He  procured  the  rectory  of  St. 
Andrew,  Holborn,  for  Sacheverell,  though  he  held  him 
in  no  estimation,  from  a  principle  of  justice,  as  he  had 
rendered  assistance  to  the  ministry,  who  had  appeared  to 
neglect  him. 

On  Swift's  return  to  Ireland,  he  found  the  minds  of 
persons  in  the  highest  ferment,  and  the  Whigs  triumph- 
ant. The  stories  fabricated  in  England  that  the  late 
ministry  designed  to  bring  in  the  Pretender,  were  be- 
lieved, and  Tory  and  Jacobite  were  used  as  synony- 
mous terms.  Swift  became  the  chief  object  on  whom 
party  vengeance  vented  its  rage.  He  was  insulted  and 
even  pelted  by  the  populace  in  the  streets ;  and  the 
higher  classes  endeavoured  to  earn  the  favour  of  the 
government  by  treating  him  with  insult :  he  drew  up  a 
petition  to  the  House  of  Lords  against  the  brutal  and 
dangerous  conduct  of  Lord  Blaney.  In  such  a  situation 
4 


38  THE   LIFE    OF  SWIFT. 

of  affairs,  the  most  prudent  and  wise  part  was  chosen 
by  him,  of  retiring  to  his  deanery,  arranging  his  do- 
mestic affairs,  and  discharging  the  duties  of  his  situa- 
tion. In  a  letter,  dated  Jan.  10,  1721,  he  tells  Pope, 
"  In  a  few  weeks  after  the  loss  of  that  excellent  princess, 
I  came  to  my  station  here,  where  I  have  continued 
ever  since  in  the  greatest  privacy  and  utter  ignorance 
of  those  events  which  are  most  commonly  talked  of  in 
the  world.  I  neither  know  the  names  nor  the  number 
of  the  family  which  now  reigneth,  further  than  the 
prayer  book  informeth  me.  I  cannot  tell  who  is  chan- 
cellor, who  are  secretaries,  nor  with  what  nations  we 
are  at  peace  or  war.  And  this  manner  of  life  was  not 
taken  up  out  of  any  sort  of  affectation,  but  merely  to 
avoid  giving  offence,  and  for  fear  of  provoking  party 
zeal."  And  in  a  letter  to  Gay  he^nves  the  following 
account  of  himself.  "  I  would  describe  to  you  my  way 
of  living,  if  any  method  could  be  called  so  in  this 
country.  I  choose  my  companions  among  those  of 
least  consequence  and  most  compliance.  I  read  the 
most  trifling  books  I  can  find,  and  when  I  write,  it  is 
upon  the  most  trifling  subjects ;  but  riding,  sleeping, 
walking,  take  up  eighteen  out  of  the  twenty-four  hours. 
I  procrastinate  more  than  I  did  twenty  years  ago,  and 
lave  several  things  to  finish  which  I  put  off  to  twenty 
years  hence."  In  this  manner  he  passed  seven  years 
of  his  life  after  his  return  to  Ireland.  He  cultivated  the 
acquaintance  of  a  few  persons  whose  society  was 
agreeable  to  him.  He  enjoyed  the  conversation  and 
company  of  Stella;  and  in  his  friend  Dr.  Sheridan  he 
found  one  who  could  return  alike  his  friendship  and 
his  wit.  He  maintained  a  correspondence  with  his 
former  friends  in  England,  with  Lord  Bolingbroke, 
Harley,  Addison,  Pope,  Prior,  and  Arbuthnot:  with 


THE    LIFE   HF    SWIFT.  39 

the  Duchess  of  Ormond  and  Lady  Bolingbroke.  When 
Oxford  was  committed  to  the  Tower,  Swift  wrote  press- 
ingly  to  him  to  be  permitted  to  attend  him  there.  His 
letter  begins  thus  :  "  My  Lord,  it  may  look  like  an  idle 
or  officious  thing  in  me  to  give  your  lordship  any  inter- 
ruption under  your  present  circumstances.  Yet  I  could 
never  forgive  myself,  if,  after  having  been  treated  for 
several  years  with  the  greatest  kindness  and  distinction 
by  a  person  of  your  lordship's  virtue,  I  should  omit 
making  you  at  this  time  the  humblest  offers  of  my  poor 
services  and  attendance.  It  is  the  first  time  I  ever  so- 
licited you  on  my  own  behalf,  and  if  I  am  refused,  it 
will  be  the  first  request  you  ever  refused  me." 

Lord  Oxford  immediately  on  his  release  wrote  him  a 
letter  breathing  the  warmest  affection ;  and  Bolingbroke 
helped  to  solace  the  hours  of  his  exile,  by  recalling  to 
Swift  the  happy  hours  they  had  formerly  enjoyed 
together. 

Two  tracts  were  drawn  up  by  him  about  this  time  : 
the  one,  written  in  1714,  Memoirs  relating  to  that 
change  which  happened  in  the  Queen's  ministry  in  the 
year  1710.  The  other,  An  Inquiry  into  the  behaviour 
of  the  Queen's  last  ministry,  with  relation  to  their  quar- 
rels among  themselves,  and  the  design  charged  upon 
them  of  a.tering  the  succession  of  the  crown.  The  main 
object  of  these  works  was  to  exonerate  the  ministry  from 
the  charge  so  confidently  brought  against  them  of  a 
design  to  bring  in  the  Pretender.  They  were  drawn  up 
without  any  view  to  publication,  but  were  intended  as 
calm  appeals  to  posterity  in  favour  of  his  injured  friends. 

In  the  year  1710,  when  the  ferment  of  political  mad- 
ness seemed  to  have  subsided,  he  published  his  first 
tract  relative  to  Ireland,  entitlec ,  A  Proposal  for  the 
Universal  Use  of  Irish  Manufactures ;  the  object  was 


40  THE   LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

to  give  a  stimulus  to  tne  trade  of  Ireland,  which  was  in 
a  state  of  depression,  by  persuading  the  people  to  weai 
their  own  manufactures,  instead  of  those  from  England, 
and  by  showing  them  that  a  great  part  of  their  poverty 
and  distress  was  owing  to  their  own  folly.  But  those 
who  had  an  interest  in  English  trade  took  the  alarm  ; 
the  proposal  was  termed  seditious,  the  printer  was  im- 
prisoned, and  the  undue  severity  and  suspicion  of  the 
Government  secured  the  popularity  of  the  author. 

In  the  year  1724,  a  circumstance  took  place,  which 
gave  Swift  an  influence  in  Ireland,  that  no  one.  probably 
has  ever  equally  possessed.  A  person  of  the  name  of 
William  Wood,  of  Wolverhampton.  in  Staffordshire,  a 
great  proprietor  and  renter  of  iron  works  in  England,  ob- 
tained a  patent,  empowering  him  to  coin  one  hundred  and 
eighty  thousand  pounds  worth  of  half-pence  and  far- 
things for  the  kingdom  of  Ireland,  in  which,  at  that  time, 
there  was  a  very  inconvenient  scarcity  of  copper  coin, 
so  that  it  was  possible  to  run  in  debt  on  the  credit  of  a 
piece  of  money  j  for  a  tradesman  could  not  refuse  to 
supply  a  man  who  had  silver  in  his  hand,  and  the  pur- 
chaser would  not  leave  his  money  without  change. 
Sheridan  says,  that  no  one  in  Ireland  was  consulted  on 
the  subject,  nor  was  any  previous  notice  given  to  the 
Lord  Lieutenant.  The  old  copper  coin  was  gathered 
up,  it  is  said,  by  Wood's  agents,  and  the  new  treasures 
were  ready  to  be  poured  into  the  channels  of  trade,  but 
it  was  boldly  asserted  that  the  coin  was  debased  to  an 
enormous  degree  ;  and  Swift  wrote  his  Drapier's  Letters 
for  the  purpose  of  showing  the  folly  of  receiving  a  coin- 
age not  worth  perhaps  a  third  of  its  nominal  value 
Swift  did  not  deny  that  Ireland  wanted  half-pence,  and 
•ilver,  and  gold,  but  he  alleges  "  the  fraudulent  obtain- 
ing and  executing  o "  the  patent,  the  baseness  of  the 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  41 

metal,  and  the  prodigious  sum  to  be  coined,  which 
might  be  increased  by  stealth  from  foreign  importa- 
tions, and  his  own  counterfeits,  as  well  as  those  at 
home  ;  whereby  we  most  infallibly  lose  all  our  little 
gold  and  silver,  and  all  our  poor  remainder  of  a  very 
limited  and  discouraged  trade."  He  urged  that  the 
patent  was  passed  without  the  least  reference  to  either 
and  without  mention  of  any  security  given  by  Wood,  to 
receive  his  own  half-pence  on  demand,  both  which  were 
contrary  to  all  former  proceedings  in  like  cases.  <:  For 
my  own  part  (he  adds)  who  am  but  one  man  of  obscure 
condition,  I  do  solemnly  declare,  in  the  presence  of 
Almighty  God,  that  I  will  suffer  the  most  ignominious 
and  torturing  death,  rather  than  submit  to  receive  this 
accursed  coin,  or  any  other  that  shall  be  liable  to  the 
same  objections,  until  they  shall  be  forced  upon  me  by 
a  law  of  my  own  country  ;  and  if  that  shall  ever  hap- 
pen, I  will  transport  myself  into  some  foreign  land,  and 
eat  the  bread  of  poverty  among  a  free  people." 

The  facts  of  the  case  appear  to  be  these.  The  emolu- 
ments arising  from  the  disposal  of  the  patent  were  given 
by  Lord  Sunderland  to  the  Duchess  of  Kendal,  who 
sold  it  to  Wood.  The  Duke  of  Bolton,  then  lord  lieuten- 
ant, had  neither  courage  nor  inclination  to  bring  this 
embarrassing  project  forward  ;  but  the  Duke  of  Graf- 
ton,  who  succeeded  him.  promised  to  support  it.  Wai- 
pole,  on  succeeding  Sunderland,  saw  the  difficulties, 
but  yielded.  When  the  Duke  of  Grafton  arrived  in 
Ireland,  he  found  a  general  dislike  to  the  measure. 
Lord  Middleton,  Chancellor  of  Ireland,  opposed  it 
etrongly:  a  personal  quarrel  had  arisen  between  him 
and  the  Duke  of  Grafton,  which  was  fermented  by  the 
acts  of  Carteret,  who  was  intriguing  for  Walpole'a 
removal.  The  boasting  and  threatening  conduct  of 
4* 


42  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

Wood  was  indiscreet;  and  the  misconduct  of  Govern- 
ment much  greater.  The  patent  passed  without  the 
lord  lieutenant  or  the  privy-council  being  consulted. 
Walpole  suffered  the  duke  to  depart  without  sufficient 
instructions  how  he  was  to  act.  In  the  mean  time  the 
dissensions  spread,  and  factious  intrigues  increased  the 
embarrassment.  The  Duke  of  Grafton  was  recalled, 
and  Lord  Carteret  succeeded  him  ;  but  as  he'  had,  from 
desire  to  supplant  Walpole,  promoted  the  opposition  to 
the  introduction  of  the  coin,  the  part  he  had  to  play 
became  doubly  difficult ;  his  hopes  lay  in  winning  over 
Lord  Middleton ;  in  this  he  failed,  and  the  patent  was 
surrendered.  It  appears,  on  a  candid  consideration  of 
the  subject,  that  the  project  would  have  been  advan 
tageous ;  but  the  real  subject  of  dispute,  was  not  so 
much  the  coinage  itself,  as  that  Wood's  patent  being 
forced  upon  the  people  of  Ireland  was  a  death  blow  to 
the  independence  of  the  kingdom.  This  was  the  real 
foundation  of  Swift's  opposition,  though  the  nature  of 
the  controversy  made  it  necessary  that  he  should  veil 
it  under  specific  objections  to  Wood's  scheme,  rat'ier 
than  engage  in  a  dangerous  discussion  upon  the 
abstract  question  of  the  independence  of  the  kingdom 
of  Ireland.  When  he  did  venture  on  this  argument  in 
his  fourth  letter,  the  arm  of  government  was  immedi- 
ately uplifted  to  strike. 

On  Lord  Carteret's  arrival  in  Ireland,  which  took 
place  long  before  the  usual  time,  a  proclamation  was 
published,  offering  the  reward  of  three  hundred  pounds 
for  the  discovery  of  the  author  of  the  fourth  Drapier's 
Letter.  Harding,  the  printer,  was  imprisoned,  and  a 
bill  of  indictment  ordered  to  be  prepared  against  kim. 
Swift  wrote  a  short  paper,  called.  "  Seasonable  Advice 
to  the  Grand  Jury,"  copies  of  which  were  distributed  to 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  43 

every  person  of  the  Jury  before  the  bill,  and  had  such 
an  effect,  that  it  was  unanimously  thrown  out.  The 
Lord  Chief  Justice  Whitshed  discharged  the  jury  in  a 
rage  ',  but  the  next  that  was  summoned  drew  up  a 
strong  presentment  supporting  the  opinions  advanced 
in  the  Drapier's  Letters,  in  language  decisive  and 
strong.  This  was  followed  by  several  others,  in  various 
counties ;  the  affair  was  locked  on  as  desperate,  the 
patent  withdrawn,  and  the  coinage  suppressed.  Never 
was  greater  exultation  displayed  upon  any  occasion 
than  appeared  in  (he  whole  nation  on  the  defeat  of  thia 
project.  The  Drapier  was  hailed  by  universal  voice  as 
the  saviour  of  his  country.  His  name  resounded 
through  every  quarter  of  the  island ;  his  picture  was 
set  up  in  .every  street,  and  bumpers  to  his  health  were 
poured  down  every  throat. 

In  the  course  of  these  writings  Swift  took  the  oppor- 
tunity of  laying  open  his  political  principles,  declaring 
his  most  zealous  attachment  to  the  Protestant  succession 
in  the  house  of  Hanover,  and  his  abhorrence  of  the  Pre- 
tender ;  by  which  means  he  removed  the  prejudice 
against  him  of  being  a  Jacobite,  and  secured  the  favour 
of  the  people.  During  the  publication  of  the  Letters, 
Swift  took  great  pains  to  conceal  himself  from  being 
known  as  the  author.  The  only  persons  in  the  secret 
were  Robert  Blakely,  his  butler,  whom  he  employed  as 
his  amanuensis,  and  Dr.  Sheridan.  As  Robert  was  a 
most  accurate  transcriber,  the  copies  were  always 
delivered  by  him  to  the  doctor,  in  order  to  their  being 
corrected  and  fitted  for  the  press  ;  by  whom  they  were 
conveyed  to  the  printer  in  such  a  way  as  to  prevent  the 
possibility  of  discovery.  It  happened  that  Blakely,  the 
very  evening  of  the  day  on  which  the  proclamation 
was  issued,  offering  a  reward  of  three  hundred  pounda 


44  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

for  discovering  the  author  of  the  Drapier's  fourth  letter; 
had  staid  out  later  than  usual,  without  his  master's 
leave.  The  dean  ordered  the  door  to  be  locked  at  the 
accustomed  hour,  and  shut  him  out.  The  next  morn- 
ing the  poor  fellow  appeared  before  him  with  marks  of 
great  contrition,  when  Swift  would  listen  to  none  of  hia 
excuses,  but  abused  him  outrageously,  bade  him  strip 
off  his  livery,  and  quit  his  house  that  moment :  "  What, 
you  villain,"  said  he,  "  is  it  because  I  am  in  your 
power,  you  dare  take  these  liberties  ?  Get  out  of 
my  house,  you  scoundrel,  and  receive  the  reward  of 
your  treachery."  Mrs.  Johnson,  who  was  at  the  dean- 
ery, and  greatly  alarmed  at  this  scene,  immediately 
dispatched  a  messenger  to  Dr.  Sheridan  to  come  and 
try  to  make  up  matters.  Upon  his  arrival,  he  found 
Robert  walking  about  the  hall  in  great  agitation,  and 
shedding  abundance  of  tears.  Inquiring  into  the 
cause  of  this,  he  was  told  that  his  master  had  just  dis- 
charged him.  The  doctor  bade  him  be  of  good  cheer, 
for  he  would  undertake  to  pacify  the  dean,  and  that  he 
should  be  still  continued  in  his  place.  "  That  is  not 
what  vexes  me,"  replied  Robert ;  "  to  be  sure.  I  should 
be  very  sorry  t<j  lose  so  good  a  master ;  but  what 
grieves  me  to  the  soul  is,  that  my  master  should  have 
eo  bad  an  opinion  of  me  as  to  suppose  me  capable  of 
betraying  him  for  any  reward  whatever."  When  this 
was  told  to  the  dean,  struck  with  the  generosity  of  such 
a  sentiment  'n  one  of  his  low  sphere,  he  immediate. y 
pardoned  him,  and  restored  him  to  his  favour ;  he  also 
took  the  first  opportunity  of  rewarding  him  for  his  fidel- 
ity. The  place  of  Verger  to  the  cathedral  becoming 
vacant,  Swift  called  Robert  to  him,  and  asked  him  if 
he  had  any  clothes  of  his  own  that  were  not  a  livery,  to 
which  the  other  replying  in  the  affirmative,  he  desired 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  45 

him  to  strip  off  his  livery  and  put  on  those  clothes.  The 
poor  fellow  begged  to  know  what  crime  he  had  com- 
mitted, that  he  should  be  discharged.  "  Well,  do  as  1 
ordered  you,"  said  Swift.  When  he  returned  in  his 
new  dress,  the  dean  called  the  other  servants  into  the 
room,  and  told  them  they  were  no  longer  to  consider 
him  as  their  fellow  servant  Robert,  but  as  Mr.  Blakely, 
verger  of  St.  Patrick's  cathedral,  which  place  he.  had 
bestowed  on  him  as  a  reward  of  his  faithful  services. 
Robert,  however,  continued  to  officiate,  at  his  own 
request,  in  his  old  situation,  without  receiving  any 
wages. 

Another  anecdote,  connected  with  the  subject  of  the 
Drapier's  Letters,  I  will  give  from  Dr.  Sheridan's  Life, 
as  briefly  as  I  can.  The  day  after  the  proclamation 
there  was  a  levee  at  the  castle  ;  the  Lord  Lieutenant 
was  going  the  round  of  the  circle  when  Swift  entered, 
and  pushing  his  way  through  the  crowd,  in  great  in- 
dignation, and  with  the  voice  of  a  Stentor,  cried  out, 
"  So,  my  Lord  Lieutenant,  this  is  a  glorious  exploit 
that  you  performed  yesterday,  in  issuing  a  proclamation 
against  a  poor  shopkeeper,  whose  only  crime  is  an 
honest  endeavour  to  save  his  country  from  ruin.  You 
have  given  a  noble  specimen  of  what  this  devoted 
nation  is  to  hope  for  from  your  government.  I  suppose 
you  expect  a  statue  of  copper  will  be  erected  to  you  for 
this  service  done  to  Wood."  For  some  time  a  silence 
ensued,  for  the  whole  assembly  was  struck  mute  with 
wonder,  when  Lord  Carteret,  who  had  listened  with 
great  composure  to  the  whole  speech,  replied  in  a  line 
of  Virgil : 

Res  durae,  et  regni  novitas  me  talia  coguiH 
Moiiri. 


TRE    LIFE    OF    ?         '» 

Every  one  was  struck  with  hie  beauty  of  the  quota- 
tion, and  the  Jevee  broke  up  in  good  humour ;  some 
extolling  the  magnanimity  of  Swift  to  the  skies,  and  all 
delighted  with  the  ingenuity  of  the  Lord  Lieutenant's 
answer. 

Leaving  Swift  now  in  the  height  of  his  popularity, 
we  must  go  back  to  relate  some  circumstances  of  a  less 
favourable  character,  that  had  a  great  influence  on  his 
private  life,  and  which  have,  unfortunately,  continued  to 
throw  a  cloud  over  his  fame.  It  will  be  recollected, 
that  Miss  Esther  Johnson  continued  to  reside  near 
Swift,  in  Ireland  ;  that  she  formed  part  of  his  daily 
society  at  the  deanery ;  that  there  seemed  the  most 
unreserved  communication  between  them,  though 
guarded  by  a  strict  propriety  of  conduct.  Swift  never 
saw  her,  but  in  the  company  of  Mrs.  Dingley,  or  of 
some  third  person ;  yet  Stella,  while  she  submitted  to 
this  singular  arrangement,  was  not  satisfied  with  it ; 
nor  can  it  be  wondered  at,  that  she  expected  to  be 
united  in  a  closer  tie  than  that  of  a  mere  friend,  and 
that  she  languished  under  the  extraordinary  procras- 
tination of  her  hopes. 

During  his  residence  in  England,  Swift  lived  among 
tne  higher  circles  of  society,  and  was  admired  for  the 
brilliancy  of  his  wit,  the  extent  of  his  knowledge,  and 
the  richness  and  variety  of  his  conversational  talents 
He  was  admitted  into  the  company  of  some  of  the  most 
distinguished  ladiee  of  the  time ;  Lady  Betty  Germaine, 
Mrs.  Barton,  the  Countess  of  Winchelsea,  the  Duchesa 
of  Ormond,  and  Lady  Masham,  ranked  him  among 
their  friends.  Among  the  families  in  London,  where  he 
was  most  intimate,  was  that  of  Mrs.  Vanhomrigh,  a 
widow  lady  of  fortune  and  respectability,  who  had  two 
eons  and  two  daughters ;  the  eldest  was  Esther,  better 


THE    LIFE    OF   S  \VIFT.  47 

known  by  the  poetical  appellation  of  Vanessa  ;  of  her 
personal  charms  we  are  left  in  some  uncertainly ;  Lord 
Orrery  says  she  was  not  handsome,  but  she  was  lively 
and  graceful,  and  fond  of  books.  Swift  eagerly  offered 
to  direct  her  in  her  choice  of  studies;  this  led  to  still 
further  familiarity  with  the  family,  and  the  acquaintance 
with  the  fascinating  Esther  at  length  gave  pain  and 
uneasiness  to  Stella.  Swift  was  fully  conscious  of  the 
dangerous  ground  on  which  he  stood ;  for  in  his  Journal 
to  Stella.  Miss  Vanhomrigh  is  only  casually  mentioned 
twice,  at  the  time  that  he  was  in  habits  ofme  most  fre- 
quent communication  with  her.  In  the  meanwhile,  in 
the  bosom  of  his  fascinating  pupil,  esteem,  and  gratitude 
ripened  into  love  ;  she  was'unacquainted  with  the  pecu- 
liar situation  in  which  Swift  stood  as  related  to  another, 
and  she  was  ignorant  of  the  claims,  perhaps  even  of  the 
name  of  Stella.  In  a  manner  suitable  to  the  warmth 
and  openness  of  her  temper,  she  avowed  to  Swift  the 
state  of  her  affections.  "  We  cannot  doubt  (says  Scott) 
that  he  actually  felt  the  shame,  disappointment,  guilt, 
and  surprise,"  expressed  in  his  celebrated  poem,  though 
he  had  not  the  courage  to  take  the  open  and  manly 
course  of  acknowledging  his  engagements  with  Stella, 
or  other  impediments  which  prevented  him  from  accept- 
ing the  hand  ind  ibrtune  of  her  rival.  Perhaps  he  was 
conscious  that  such  an  explanation  had  been  too  long 
delayed  to  be  now  stated,  without  affording  grounds  for 
the  heavy  charge  of  having  flattered  Miss  Vanhomrigh 
into  hopes  which,  from  the  nature  of  his  own  situation, 
could  not  be  gratified.  This  remorseful  consciousness 
.00,  he  might  feel,  when  looking  back  on  his  conduct, 
though,  until  then,  he  had  blindly  consulted  his  own 
gratification  in  seeking  the  pleasure  of  Vanessa's  socie- 
ty, without  being  aware  of  the  difficulties  in  which  they 


48  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

were  both  becoming  gradually  entangled.  Without 
making,  therefore,  this  painful  but  just  confession,  he 
answered  the  avowal  of  Vanessa's  passion  at  first  in 
raillery,  and  afterwards  by  an  offer  of  devoted  and  ever- 
lasting friendship,  founded  on  the  basis  of  virtuous  es- 
teem. Vanessa  seems  neither  to  have  been  contented 
nor  silenced  by  the  result  of  her  declaration,  but  to  the 
very  close  of  her  life  persisted  in  endeavouring,  by  en- 
treaties and  arguments,  to  extort  a  more  lively  return 
to  her  passion  than  this  cold  proffer  was  calculated  to 
afford.  It  is  difficult  to  ascertain  when  this  eclaircisse- 
ment  took  place,  but  it  seems  to  have  preceded  Swift's 
departure  for  Ireland  to  take  possession  of  his  Deanery, 
though  it  must  certainly  have  been  made  after  obtain- 
ing that  preferment. 

The  effect  of  Swift's  increasing  intimacy  with  Va- 
nessa, may  be  plainly  traced  in  the  altered  language  of 
the  Journal.  It  becomes  colder  and  more  indifferent, 
speaks  less  of  the  happiness  of  a  life  devoted  to  Stella, 
and  exhibits  all  the  marks  of  a  declining  affection. 
The  fears  of  love  are  soon  excited,  and  it  is  difficult  to 
escape  its  penetration.  Stella  soon  was  aware  that 
there  was  a  rival  in  his  affections,  and  rumours  brought 
to  Ireland  increased  her  alarm.  Her  letters  are  not 
preserved,  hut  it  appears  from  the  Journal  that  they  in- 
timated displeasure  and  jealousy,  which  Swift  endeav- 
ours to  appease.  There  are  two  passages,  as  Scott 
observes,  worthy  of  notice,  as  illustrative  of  the  situa- 
tion of  the  parties,  and  of  Swift's  intentions.  The  first 
occurs  when  he  obtains  the  deanery  of  St.  Patrick's. 
"  If  it  be  worth  £400  per  year,"  he  says,  "  the  overplus 
shall  be  divided — besides  usual " — an  imperfect  phrase, 
which,  however,  implies,  that  his  relation  to  Stella  was 
to  continue  on  its  former  footing,  and  that  she  was  only 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  49 

to  ghare  the  advantage  of  his  promotion  by  an  increase 
of  her  separate  income.  This  hint  was  probably  de- 
eigned  to  bar  any  expectations  of  a  proposal  .of  mar- 
riage. Another  ominous  sentence  in  the  Journal,  is  in 
the  following  intimation :  "  His  (Mr.  Vanhomrigh's) 
eldest  daughter  is  come  of  age,  and  going  to  Ireland  to 
look  after  her  fortune,  and  get  it  into  her  own  hands." 
This  plan,  which  she  afterwards  accomplished,  boded 
no  good  to  the  unfortunate  Stella. 

Upon  Swift's  return  to  Ireland,  he  was  placed  in  a 
situation  of  much  embarrassment,  arising  from  his 
thoughtless  encouragement  of  Vanessa's  feelings,  while 
Stella  possessed  an  undoubted  claim  over  the  affections 
of  his  heart.  It  is  difficult  to  find  that  peculiar  word  of 
censure  which  should  apply  with  exactness  to  Swift's 
conduct  in  this  unfortunate  affair,  because  he  acted  on 
principles  so  extremely  different  from  those  which  govern 
the  generality  of  mankind.  In  ordinary  cases  his  con- 
duct would  be  deemed  dishonourable  in  disappointing 
the  just  expectations,  and  sporting  with  the  feelings  of 
two  amiable  and  virtuous  women.  But  Swift,  as  he 
never  designed  marriage  himself,  certainly  never  gave, 
except  by  what  they  might  infer  from  attention  of  beha- 
viour, and  perhaps  tenderness  of  language,  any  grounds 
upon  which  their  reasonable  hopes  could  be  founded. 
They  appear  to  have  erred,  in  not  having  more  accu- 
rately understood  his  character,  and  his  designs  ;  while 
he  was  far  more  decidedly  wrong  in  endeavouring  to 
divert  the  warm  and  natural  passions  of  the  female 
heart,  into  the  cold  and  selfish  channels  in  which  his 
own  reposed;  his  object  was  to  gain  them  as  friends; 
theirs  was  to  possess  him  as  a  lover  and  a  husband. 
That  Swift  was  greatly  to  blame,  no  doubt  can  be  en- 
tertained, and  the  errors  of  his  conduct  in  this  affair 
5 


50  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

brought  on  a  great  part  of  the  future  misery  of  his  life. 
Of  all  criminal  intentions  he  was,  in  this  instance,  ae  in 
the  whole  conduct  of  his  life,  totally  guiltless ;  but  he 
knew  that  he  passed  beyond  the  bounds  of  honourable 
and  upright  conduct;  he  allowed  the  new  fascination* 
of  Miss  Vanhomrigh's  society  to  eclipse  the  familiar 
power  of  pleasing  which  Stella  had  long  possessed ;  and 
when  he  all  but  suppressed  the  name  of  Vanessa,  while 
he  poured  out  on  all  other  subjects  the  most  unreserved 
communication  in  his  Journal  to  Stella,  he  at  once 
etamps  the  seal  on  the  unfaithfulness  and  duplicity  of 
his  own  conduct 

On  her  mother's  death,  Vannessa  and  her  sister,  who 
were  left  joint  executrixes,  retired  to  Ireland  to  look 
after  the  property  which  their  father  had  left  them  near 
Celbridge.  Their  arrival  in  Dublin  excited  the  jea 
lousy  of  Stella,  and  the  apprehensions  of  Swift ;  an 
intimacy  like  theirs  which  had  passed  over  without  harm 
in  England,  might  now  have  injured  the  reputation  of 
both.  The  Dean  expostulated  in  vain  with  her  on  her 
imprudence,  and  she  in  return  accused  him  of  cruelty 
and  neglect.  Her  letters  of  love  and  of  complaint  are 
full  of  the  warmest  sentiments  and  the  most  enamoured 
language.  Swift  saw  the  gulf  he  had  so  insensibly  and 
incautiously  been  approaching ;  yet  it  was  too  late  to 
retreat ;  all  that  was  left  was  to  temporize,  and  trust  to 
time  and  chance  to  remedy  or  alleviate  the  perils  which 
were  beyond  the  power  of  prudence  to  avert. 

The  correspondence,  now  for  the  first  time  given 
entire,  will  afford  a  satisfactory  elucidation  of  the  sub- 
ject. It  commences  on  the  part  of  Swift .  n  a  vein  of 
light,  jocular  pleasantry.  Vanessa  writes  at  once  from 
the  heart.  Swift  parries  this  for  some  time  in  his  odd 
bantering  veinj  till,  as  Vanessa's  impatience  increases 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  51 

he  subsides  into  a  guarded,  half-apologizing,  half-up- 
braiding strain,  evidently  intended  to  prevent  any 
warmer  expostulations,  and  to  stop  any  nearer  approach. 
When  the  letter  at  length  came,  containing  the  most 
innocent,  but  the  most  passionate  avowal  of  love,  and 
opening  the  recesses  of  her  ingenuous,  affectionate,  and 
devoted  heart ;  then  the  long  fabricated  artifices  of  Swift 
were  baffled,  his  plan  of  retaining  her  love  without  re- 
turning it,  was  at  once  defeated;  he  could  no  longer 
plead  his  ignorance  of  her  feelings ;  and  the  remainder 
of  his  correspondence  consists  of  paltry  excuses,  cruel 
evasions,  and  palliating  falsehoods.  The  situation  into 
which  his  selfishness  had  brought  him,  must  have  been 
one  of  agony  and  remorse ;  and  his  poor  Vanessa  sank 
into  her  early  grave,  the  broken-hearted  victim  of  an 
attachment  most  singularly  unfortunate. 

In  the  meanwhile  the  health  of  his  early  and  constant 
friend,  his  affectionate  Stella,  was  rapidly  declining; 
jealousy,  neither  unreasonable  nor  dishonourable,  was 
secretly  preying  upon  her.  She  had  sacrificed  for  Swift 
all  but  her  virtue  and  her  honour. — her  youth  had  faded 
away  amidst  hopes  and  wishes  that  were  unfulfilled  ; 
and  she  had  the  misfortune  to  be  conscious  that  even 
her  reputation  was  clouded,  while  her  conduct  was 
irreproachable.  Swift  felt  deeply  and  bitterly  the  melan- 
'  choly  and  fatal  results  of  his  capricious  and  inconsider- 
ate conduct.  He  employed  the  Bishop  of  Clogher,  his 
tutor  and  early  friend,  to  inquire  the  cause  of  Stella's 
melancholy  ;  and  he  received  the  very  answer  which  he 
could  have  anticipated :  "  Her  sensibility  to  his  late 
indifference  and  to  the  discredit  which  her  character 
had  sustained  from  the  dubious  and  mysterious  connec- 
tion between  them."  To  convince  her  of  the  constancy 
of  his  aflection,  and  to  remove  her  beyond  the  reach  of 


52  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

calumny,  there  was  but  one  remedy.  To  this  Swift 
replied,  that  he  had  formed  two  resolutions  with  regard 
to  matrimony.  One,  that  he  would  not  marry  till 
possessed  of  a  competent  fortune — the  other,  that  the 
event  should  take  place  at  a  time  of  life  which  gave 
him  a  reasonable  prospect  to  see  his  children  settled  in 
the  world.  The  independence  he  proposed  he  had  not 
yet  achieved,  and  on  the  other  hand  he  was  past  that 
time  of  life  after  which  he  had  determined  never  to 
marry.  It  may  be  observed,  that  Swift  undoubtedly 
had  a  right  to  lay  down  these  or  any  other  rules  for  the 
regulation  of  his  own  conduct,  and  the  supposed  safe- 
guard of  his  happiness  ;  but  these  very  rules  obliged 
him  to  act  with  great  circumspection  and  caution  in  hi& 
intercourse  with  females ;  and  not  to  keep  his  maxims 
of  prudence  in  reserve  while  he  was  engaging  the  affec- 
tions of  the  artless  and  the  inexperienced  by  a  tender- 
ness and  gallantry  that  were  the  forerunners,  according 
to  their  ideas,  of  more  intimate  and  lasting  connections. 
Swift,  however,  made  one  concession,  the  least  that 
could  be  granted,  and  of  itself  an  imperfect  remedy  of 
the  evils  that  h.e  had  caused. 

To  these  terms,  so  inferior  to  what  she  had  a  right  to 
expect,  Stella  subscribed ;  yet  something  was  gained 
by  the  unwilling  and  almost  degrading  concession  •  her 
former  intimacy  with  Swift,  though  free  from  guilt, 
was,  in  the  opinion  of  society,  improper  and  unusual ; 
on  this  point  her  conscience  was  now  at  rest ;  and  she 
had  also  disarmed  the  superior  attractions  of  her  rival 
of  their  fatal  power.  She  was  married  in  the  garden 
of  the  deanery,  by  the  Bishop  of  Clogher,  in  the  year 
1716. 

Immediately  after  the  ceremony,  Swift's  state  of  mind 
was  very  unhappy.  Delany  says,  that  about  the  time 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  53 

his  union  took  place,  he  observed  Swift  to  be  exceeding 
gloomy  and  agitated,  so  much  so  that  he  went  to  Arch- 
oishop  King  to  mention  his  apprehensions ;  on  entering 
the  library,  Swift  rushed  out  with  a  countenance  of  drs- 
craction,  and  passed  him  without  speaking.  He  found 
the  Archbishop  in  tears,  and  upon  asking  the  reason, 
he  said,  "  You  have  just  met  the  most  unhappy  man 
upon  earth,  but  on  the  sabject  of  his  wretchedness  you 
must  never  ask  a  question."  Delany's  inference  from 
these  words,  was,  that  Swift,  after  his  union,  had  dis- 
covered too  near  a  consanguinity  between  Stella  and 
himself,  to  admit  of  their  being  united  in  matrimony ; 
and  that  in  fact,  both  of  them  were  the  illegitimate  chil- 
dren of  Sir  W.  Temple.  This,  however,  seems  to  me 
to  be  a  most  gratuitous  assumption,  resting  on  no  rea- 
sonable grounds  whatever. 

Swift's  intercourse  with  Stella  and  Mrs.  Dingley  con 
tinued  to  be  as  guarded  and  cautious  as  beiore.  To 
Stella  it  brought  the  same  inconveniences ;  her  ac 
quaintance  with  ladies  was  formal  and  ceremonious,  and 
her  only  intimacies  were  the  male  persons  of  Swift's  ac- 
quaintance ;  a  lady  now  alive,  who  was  the  friend  of 
Mrs.  Delany,  says,  "  that  Stella  went  with  Mrs.  Dingley 
to  Dr.  Delany's  Vifla  on  Wednesdays,  where  his  men 
companions  dined,  before  he  was  married  to  my  friend. 
She  (Mrs.  Delany)  once  saw  her  by  accident,  and  was 
struck  with  the  beauty  of  her  countenance,  and  particu- 
larly with  her  fine  dark  eyes.  She  was  very  pale,  and 
looked  pensive,  but  not  melancholy,  and  her  hair  as 
black  as  a  raven." 

After  his  marriage  Swift  seems  to  have  redoubled 

his  anxiety  to  moderate  the  passion  of  Vanessa,  and 

even  to  direct  it  into  another  channel.    He  introduced 

to  her  Dean  Winter,  as  a  candidate  for  her  hand,  buf 

5* 


64  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

*  A 

she  rejected  the  proposal  in  peremptory  terms  She 
was  also  addressed,  equally  without  success,  by  Dr. 
Price,  afterwards  Archbishop  of  Cashell.  At  length,  in 
the  year  1717,  she  retired  from  Dublin  to  her  property 
near  Celbridge,  to  nurse  her  hapless  passion  in  seclu- 
sion from  the  world.  Swift,  with  great  anxiety  and 
tenderness  of  expression,  endeavoured  to  warn  her 
against  a  plan  so  little  likely  to  be  successful,  and  ex- 
horted her  to  seek  general  society,  to  divert  her  mind 
in  every  way  she  could,  and  even  to  leave  Ireland  for 
other  scenes.  Until  the  year  1720,  he  never  visited  her 
at  Celbridge ;  but  in  that  year,  and  down  tq  the  time 
of  her  death,  he  went  repeatedly  there  to  see  her.  A 
correspondent  of  Sir  W.  Scott's  has  given  some  minute 
particulars  attending  Vanessa's  habits  of  life,  and 
Swift's  visits.  "  Marley  Abbey  (he  says)  near  Cel- 
bridge, where  Miss  Vanhomrigh  resided,  is  built  much 
in  the  form  of  a  real  cloiste.",  especially  in  its  external 
appearance.  An  aged  man  (upwards  of  90  by  his  own 
account)  showed  the  grounds  to  my  correspondent. 
He  was  the  son  of  Mrs.  Vanhomrigh's  gardener,  and 
used  to  work  with  his  father  in  the  garden  when  a  boy. 
He  remembered  the  unfortunate  Vanessa  well,  and  his 
account  of  her  corresponded  with  the  usual  description 
of  her  person,  especially  as  to  her  em  bon  point.  He 
said  she  went  seldom  abroad,  and  saw  little  company ; 
her  constant  amusement  was  reading,  or  walking  in  the 
garden.  Yet,  according  to  this  authority,  her  society 
was  courted  by  several  families  in  the  neighbourhood, 
who  visited  her,  notwithstanding  her  seldom  returning 
that  attention,  and  he  added,  that  her  manners  interest- 
ed every  one  who  knew  her.  But  she  avoided  compa- 
ny, and  was  always  melancholy,  save  when  Swift  waji 
there,  and  then  she  seemed  happy.  The  garden  waa 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  55 

to  an  uncommon  degree  crowded  with  laurels.  The 
old  man  said,  that  when  Miss  Vanhomrigh  expected  thq 
Dean,  she  always  planted  with  her  own  hand  a  laurel 
or  two  against  his  arrival.  He  showed  her  favourite 
seat,  still  called  Vanessa's  bower ;  three  or  four  trees 
and  some  laurels  indicate  the  spot.  They  had  for- 
merly, according  to  the  old  man's  information,  been 
trained  into  a  close  arbour.  There  were  two  seats  and 
a  rude  table  within  the  bower,  the  opening  of  which 
commanded  a  view  of  the  Liffey,  which  had  a  romantic 
elTect;  and  there  was  a  small  cascade  that  murmured 
at  some  distance.  In  this  sequestered  spot,  according 
to  the  gardenef  s  account,  the  Dean  and  Vanessa  used 
often  to  sit  with  books  and  writing  materials  on  the 
table  before  them. 

Vanessa,  besides  indulging  her  melancholy  and  hope- 
less passion,  had  another  sorrow  in  her  solitude,  that  of 
nursing  the  declining  health  of  her  younger  sister,  who 
at  length  died  about  1720.  Her  affections  seemed  now 
concentrated  with  double  energy  in  her  love ;  while 
Swift,  with  his  usual  circumspection,  became  more 
reserved  than  he  had  been  in  his  visits ;  at  length  Miss 
Vanhomrigh,  irritated  by  a  long  endurance  of  ill-re- 
quited love,  was  determined  to  discover  its  causes,  and 
either  to  remove  or  realize  the  suspicions  she  had 
formed.  Her  thoughts  naturally  turned  to  the  intimacy 
between  Swift  and  Mrs.  Johnson;  in  a  letter  written 
in  1713,  she  says,  <;  If  you  are  very  happy,  it  is  ill 
natured  of  you  not  to  tell  me  so,  except  'tis  what  is 
inconsistent  with  mine."  She  accordingly  ventured 
on  the  decisive  step  of  writing  to  Mrs.  Johnson, 
requesting  to  know  the  nature  of  her  connection  with 
the  Dean.  Stella  informed  her,  in  her  reply,  of  the 
marriage  j  and,  full  of  resentment  against  Swift,  for 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

haring  given  to  another  female  the  right  to  put  a  ques- 
tion which  seemed  to  involve  a  claim  as  strong  as  her 
own,  she  retired  to  the  house  of  Mr.  Ford,  near  Dublin. 
Swift,  in  a  paroxysm  of  fi:ry,  rode  to  Marley  Abbey  ; 
his  countenance,  as  he  entered  the  room,  struck  Va- 
nessa with  terror.  He  flung  a  letter  on  the  table,  and 
instantly  mounting  his  horse,  returned  to  Dublin.  When 
Vanessa  opened  the  packet,  she  only  found  her  own 
letter  to  Stella ;  this  was  the  death  blow  to  her  hopes 
and  to  her  liQj ;  she  languished  only  a  few  weeks, 
when  she  sank  under  the  stern  and  selfish  cruelty  of  a 
man  on  whom  she  had  vainly  lavished  all  the  innocent 
and  all  the  warmest  affections  of  her  life ;  and  who 
suffered  her  to  pine  away  in  hopeless  affliction,  because 
he  dared  not  avow  to  her  the  duplicity  of  his  conduct, 
and  his  incapability  of  accepting  the  heart  she  offered. 
She  died  in  the  37th  year  of  her  age,  and  revoked  a 
will  made  in  favour  of  Swift,  settling  her  fortune  upon 
Mr.  Marshall,  (afterwards  one  of  the  Judges  of  the 
Common  Pleas,)  and  Dr.  Berkeley,  the  Bishop  of 
Cioyne. 

The  correspondence  between  Swift  and  this  unfor- 
tunate lady  has  been,  for  the  first  time,  published  in  the 
edition  by  Scott,  from  the  originals  in  the  possession  of 
Mr.  Berwick.  The  sum  of  the  evidence  (says  the 
biographer)  which  they  afford,  seems  to  amount  to  this 
— that  while  residing  in  England  for  years,  and  at  a 
distance  from  Stella,  Swift  incautiously  engaged  in  a 
correspondence  with  Miss  Vanhomrigh,  which  pro- 
bably, at  first,  meant  little  more  than  mere  gallantry, 
since  the  mother,  brother,  and  sister,  seemed  all  to  Ijave 
been  confidants  of  their  intimacy.  After  his  going  to 
Ireland  his  letters  assume  a  graver  cast,  and  consist 
rather  of  ad  vie  3,  caution,  and  rebuke,  than  expressions 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  57 

of  tenderness.  Yet  neither  his  own  heart,  nor  the 
nature  of  Vanessa's  violent  attachment,  permit  him  to 
suppress  strong,  though  occasional  and  rare  indications 
of  the  high  regard  in  which  he  held  her,  although 
honour,  friendship,  and  esteem,  had  united  his  fate  with 
that  of  another.  It  would,  perhaps,  have  been  better 
had  their  amours  never  have  been  public  ;  as  that  has, 
however,  happened,  it  is  the  biographer's  duty  to  throw 
such  light  upon  them  as  Mr.  Berwick's  friendship  has 
enabled  him  to  do,  in  order  that  Swift's  conduct,  weak 
and  blamable  as  it  must  be  held  in  this  instance,  may 
at  least  not  suffer  hereafter  from  being  seen  under  false 
or  imperfect  lights."  Upon  the  death  of  Miss  Van- 
homrigh,  Swift  retreated  to  the  south  of  Ireland,  where 
he  remained  ibr  two  months  in  utter  solitude,  a  prey, 
no  doubt,  to  the  most  self-accusing  remorse.  On  his 
return  to  Dublin,  he  received  the  forgiveness  of  Stella, 
and  thus  this  unfortunate  portion  of  his  history  is  closed. 
When  Wood's  patent  was  withdrawn,  Swift  returned 
to  Finlen,  a  house  of  Dr.  Sheridan's,  where  he  passed 
some  months  in  finishing  and  preparing  Gulliver's 
Travels  for  the  press.  Early  in  1726,  he  set  out  for 
England,  after  an  absence  from  that  country  of  nearly 
twelve  years:  and  was  welcomed  with  all  demonstra- 
tions of  joy  by  his  old  friends.  He  also  met  with  a. 
favourable  reception  at  Leicester  House.  The  Princess 
of  Wales,  afterwards  Queen  Caroline,  hearing  of  his 
arrival,  sent  to  desire  to  see  him.  Of  this  he  gives  the 
following  account  in  his  letter  to  Lady  B.  Germaine, 
1732.  "  It  is  six  years  last  spring  since  I  first  went  to 
visit  my  friends  in  England  after  the  queen's  death. 
Her  present  majesty  heard  of  my  arrival,  and  sent  at 
least  nine  times  to  command  my  attendance  before  I 
would  obey  her,  for  several  reasons,  not  hard  to  guess ; 


/<6  THE   LIFE   OF   SWIFT. 

and  among  others,  because  I  had  heard  her  character 
rom  those  who  knew  her  well.  At  last  I  went,  and  she 
'eceived  me  very  graciously."  During  Swift's  stay  in 
England  his  time  was  passed  between  Twickenham  and 
Jawly,  with  his  friends  Pope  or  Bolingbroke.  Poj/e 
then  published  his  volume  of  Miscellanies,  consisting  of 
some  of  his  own  works  and  Arbuthnot's,  but  principally 
of  Swift's.  The  sale  was  very  large,  and  Pope  received 
the  entire  profits,  which  amounted  to  a  hundred  and 
fifty  pounds.  During  these  transactions  he  received  a 
very  melancholy  account  from  Ireland  of  the  state  of 
Mrs.  Johnson's  health  ;  his  old  complaints  of  giddiness 
and  deafness  increased  upon  him,  and  he  stole  away 
from  a  society  which  he  could  no  longer  delight  or 
enjoy,  and  retreated  into  private  lodgings.  When 
sufficiently  recovered,  he  retired  to  Ireland,  and  had 
the  delight  of  finding  the  health  of  Mrs.  Johnson  much 
improved.  During  his  visit  to  London,  Swift  met  with 
a  favourable  reception  not  only  at  Leicester  House, 
but  at  St.  James's.  He  dined  with  Sir  R.  Walpole  at 
Chelsea  ;  and  afterwards,  through  Lord  Peterborough's 
intervention,  had  an  interview  with  that  minister,  in 
which  the  grievances  of  Ireland  formed  the  subject  of 
the  Dean's  complaint.  The  enemies  and  calumniators 
of  Swift  propagated  a  story  that  he  had  offered  his  pen 
to  Walpole,  upon  the  promise  of  preferment  in  Eng- 
land ;  but  Swift  has  destroyed  all  the  credit  which  the 
falsehood  might  have  had,  by  giving  to  Lord  Peter- 
borough a  faithful  account  of  the  conversation. 

Swift  set  out  for  Ireland  in  August,  and  in  the 
November  following  Gulliver's  Travels  made  their  pub- 
lic appearance,  after  having  been  privately  seen  and 
admired  by  Swift's  friends  in  England. 

The  plan  of  this  entertaining  and  delightful  satire 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  59 

varies,  as  Scott  observes,  in  its  different  parts.  The 
voyage  to  Lilliput  refers  chiefly  to  the  court  and  politics 
of  England.  Walpole  is  plainly  intimated  under  the 
character  of  Mr.  Premier  Flimnap ;  the  factions  of 
high  and  low  heels  express  the  Tories  and  the  Whigs ; 
the  Small-endians  and  Big-endians  the  religious 
divisions  of  Papist  and  Protestant ;  and  when  the  heir 
apparent  was  described  as  wearing  one  heel  high  and 
one  low,  the  Prince  of  Wales,  who  at  that  time 
divided  his  favour  between  the  two  leading  political 
parties  of  England,  laughed  heartily  at  the  comparison. 
The  scandal  which  Gulliver  gave  to  the  Empress  by 
his  mode  of  extinguishing  the  flames  in  the  Royal 
Palace,  seems  to  intimate  the  author's  own  disgrace 
with  Queen  Ann,  founded  on  the  indecorum  of  the  Tale 
of  a  Tub,  which  was  remembered  against  him  as  a 
crime,  while  the  service  which  it  had  rendered  the 
cause  of  the  high  church  was  forgotten. 

In  the  Voyage  to  Brobdingnag  the  satire  is  of  a  more 
general  character ;  nor  is  it  easy  to  trace  any  particular 
reference  to  the  political  events  or  statesmen  of  the  time. 
It  seems  intended  to  show  in  the  most  forcible  manner 
the  vanity  of  our  desires  and  the  insignificance  of  our 
pursuits,  by  exhibiting  the  opinions  formed  of  them  by 
beings  of  superior  power  and  more  philosophical 
thought,  and  more  cool  and  less  passionate  tempera- 
ments. Some  passages  are  supposed  to  be  an  intended 
affront  on  the  maids  of  honour,  for  whom  Swift  enter- 
tained no  predilection ;  and  there  is  one  which  those 
interesting  ladies  never  could  have  forgiven. 

The  Voyage  to  Laputa  was  disliked  by  Arbuthnot, 
who  probably  considered  it  to  be  a  satire  on  the  Royal 
Society ;  many  of  the  allusions  also  are  said  to  be  lev- 
elled at  the  singularities  of  Sir  Isaac  Newton  \  but  the 


60  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

mam  attack  of  the  fable  is  certainly  directed  against  the 
false  and  chimerical  pretenders  to  science,  and  the  pro- 
fessors of  natural  and  mathematical  magic.  In  the 
department  of  the  political  projectors,  some  glances  of 
his  Tory  feelings  appear ;  and  in  the  melancholy 
account  of  the  Struldbrugs,  we  are  reminded  of  the 
author's  indifference  to  life,  and  the  melancholy  state  to 
which  his  own  was  prolonged. 

The  Voyage  to  the  Land  of  the  Houyhnhnms  is  the 
one  that  has  been  received  with  the  least  approbation 
of  the  public,  and.  perhaps,  exhibits  the  smallest  talent 
and  judgment  in  the  author.  Of  all  the  creations  of 
his  fancy  it  is  the  most  improbable  ;  and  it  is  filled  with 
such  a  fierce  indignation  against  the  frailties  and  vices 
to  which  our  nature  is  so  prone ;  it  betrays  such  a  bitter 
misanthropy ;  it  indulges  in  such  a  fiendish  mockery  of 
the  degraded  species,  and- holds  up  such  hideous  repre- 
sentations of  the  loathsome  depravity  of  our  sins,  while 
it  renders  its  satire  more  effective  by  drawing  through 
it  the  richest  vein  of  ridicule  and  the  most  pointed  wit ; 
that  persons  of  delicate  and  refined  taste  have  been  hurt 
by  ils  grossness,  and  those  of  more  severe  and  religious 
feelings  have  marked  it  with  that  moral  disapprobation, 
which  rejects  a  work  so  wide  in  its 'temper  and  feeling 
from  the  spirit  of  Christianity.  It  must  certainly  be 
allowed  that  the  picture,  in  all  its  nauseating  details 
and  its  frightful  impurities,  is  overcharged ;  that  the 
colours  are  not  sufficiently  subdued  ;  and  that  the  rep  • 
resentation  of  beings  so  thoroughly  brutalized  and 
degraded,  by  exciting  disgust  and  horror,  destroys  the 
effect  which  it  was  intended  to  produce.  "  Where  is 
the  sense  of  a  general  satire,"  says  Warburton,  "  if 
the  whole  species  be  degenerated ;  and  where  is  the 
justice  of  it,  if  it  be  not."  Voltaire,  who  was  in  Eng- 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  61 

land  at  the  time  when  Gulliver's  Travels  appeared, 
spread  their  fame  among  his  correspondents  in  France  j 
and  the  Abbe  Desfontaines  undertook  a  translation, 
which  succeeded  extremely  with  the  French  public. 
His  continuation,  called  "  Le  Nouveau  Gulliver,"  1 
have  never  met  with  ;  but  another,  published  as  the 
third  volume  of  the  Travels  in  1727,  was  stolen  from  a 
French  work  called  "  L'Histoire  des  Severambes,"  and 
which  has  been  ascribed  to  Monsieur  Alletz  and  others ; 
it  is  a  production  far  inferior  to  Swift's  in  wit  and  in- 
vention ;  but  being  suppressed  in  France  and  other 
Catholic  countries,  and  consequently  of  rare  occurrence, 
it  offered  facilities  for  the  plagiarism  of  the  English 
author.  Arbuthnot  also  wrote  two  pamphlets  on  the 
subject;  and  some  verses  in  the  Miscellany,  written 
in  a  very  pleasing  vein  of  humour,  were  published  by 
Pope. 

As  Mrs.  Johnson's  health  apparently  was  restored, 
Swift  found  nothing  to  detain  him  in  Ireland,  and  set 
out  for  London  early  in  March.  He  was  in  high  favour 
in  Leicester  House,  but  not  on  terms  with  Walpole.  He 
had  formed  a  plan  of  passing  a  few  months  in  France, 
for  the  benefit  of  his  health,  but  the  news  of  the  king's 
death  made  him  postpone  it.  It  was  expected  that  a 
change  of  measures  would  immediately  take  place,  and 
that  the  most  flattering  prospects  might  open  to  the 
Dean.  Mr.  Howard  and  Lord  Bolingbroke  strongly 
urgetfl  him  to  remain  on  the  spot  during  a  season  so 
important  to  his  interests:  but  a  return  of  his  old  com- 
plaint and  the  news  of  Mrs.  Johnson's  relapse,  obliged 
him  to  set  out  for  Ireland.  On  his  arrival  he  found  his 
long-beloved  friend  in  the  last  stage  of  decay,  without 
the  least  hope  of  recovery.  He  attended  her  in  this 
state  during  four  or  five  months,  and  in  the  month  of 


tJ2  THE    LIF£    OF    SWIFT. 

January  he  was  deprived  of  her  who  for  five  and  twenty 
years  had  been  most  affectionately  attached  to  him,  and 
whose  life  indeed  had  been  devoted  to  his  will.  Of  the 
dying  scene  two  different  stories  have  been  told  ;  but 
both  of  them  painful ;  and  one,  that  which  comes  from 
the  authority  of  Sheridan,  we  must  hope,  for  the  sake 
of  humanity,  not  to  be  founded  upon  truth.  Lord  Or- 
rery says,  that  Swift  never  mentioned  her  without  a 
sigh.  To  alleviate  his  affliction,  he  turned  his  mind 
again  to  public  affairs;  in  a  variety  of  publications  re- 
lating to  Ireland,  he  laid  open  the  causes  of  her  distress 
and  poverty ;  and  pointed  out  the  means  by  which  they 
might  be  alleviated  :  and  he  also  directed  his  attention 
to  some  of  the  best  planned  charities  that  were  ever 
supported  from  a  private  purse.  He  gave  very  largely 
in  proportion  to  his  fortune.  After  his  settlement  at  the 
Deanery,  and  when  he  was  out  of  debt,  he  divided  hia 
income  into  three  parts,  one  he  appropriated  to  his  own 
support  and  his  domestic  expenses.  The  second  he 
laid  up  as  a  provision  against  the  accidents  of  life,  arid 
ultimately  with  a  view  to  a  charitable  foundation  after 
his  death ;  and  the  third  he  disposed  of  in  charities  to 
the  poor  and  the  distressed.  He  lent  to  poor  industrious 
tradesmen  small  sums  of  five  and  ten  pounds,  to  be 
repaid  with  interest  weekly;  and  he  always  demanded 
good  security  for  the  repayment.  Sheridan  says,  that 
he  has  been  well  assured,  that  many  families  in  Dublin, 
i:ow  living  in  great  credit,  owed  the  foundation  of  their 
fortunes  to  the  sums  first  borrowed  from  this  source. 
His  reputation  for  wisdom  and  integrity  was  BO  great, 
that  he  was  consulted  by  several  corporations  in  matters 
of  trade;  and  he  was  not  seldom  chosen  umpire  in 
their  decisions  :  By  his  integrity,  his  patriotism,  by  the 
superiority  of  his  talents,  and  his  endeavours  to  serve 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  63 

the  public,  he  obtained  a  remarkable  ascendancy  over 
the  people  of  Ireland  ;  and  he  was  known  over  the 
whole  kingdom  as  the  Dean.  In  a  letter  which  Lord 
Carteret  wrote  to  him  in  1732,  who  was  the  chief  gov- 
ernor of  Ireland,  he  says,  "  I  know  by  experience  how 
much  the  city  of  Dublin  thinks  itself  under  your  pro- 
tection ;  and  how  strictly  they  used  to  obey  all  orders 
fulminated  from  the  sovereignty  of  St.  Patrick's," — and 
in  the  postscript  to  another  of  March  24.  1736,  he  says, 
"  When  people  asked  me  how  I  governed  Ireland,  I  say, 
that  I  pleased  Dr.  Swift." 

Swift  had  now  relinquished  all  expectations  of  further 
preferment.  Walpole  was  exasperated  against  him, 
on  account  of  some  severe  poems  which  he  had  written  ; 
and  some  forged  letters  in  favour  of  Mr.  Barber,  bearing 
the  Dean's  signature,  had  excited  the  displeasure  of  the 
queen. 

About  the  year  1736,  his  memory  was  greatly  im- 
paired, and  the  general  powers  of  the  intellect  showed 
marks  of  decay.  Sheridan  says,  that  i:  the  irascible 
passions  which  at  all  times  he  had  found  difficult  to 
keep  within  due  bounds,  now  raged  without  control,  and 
made  him  a  torment  to  himself  and  all  about  him ;  an 
unusually  long  fit  of  deafness  and  giddiness,  which 
lasted  almost  a  year,  disqualified  him  for  conversation, 
and  made  him  lose  all  relish  for  society.  He  could  not 
umuse  himself  with  writing  ;  and  a  whimsical  resolution 
ne  had  made,  of  never  wearing  spectacles,  prevented 
him  from  reading.  Thus,  without  amusement,  without 
employment,  his  time  passed  heavily  and  gloomily  along. 
The  state  of  his  mind  is  strongly  pictured  in  a  letter  to 
Mra.  Whiteway.  "  I  have  been  (he  says)  very  misera- 
ble all  night,  and  to-day  extremely  deaf  and  full  of 
pain.  I  am  so  stupid  and  confounded  that  I  cannot 


84  THE    LIFE    OF   SWIFT. 

express  the  mortification  I  am  under  both  in  body  arid 
mind.  All  I  can  say  is,  I  am  not  in  torture ;  but  I  daily 
and  hourly  expect  it.  Pray  let  me  know  how  your 
health  is  and  your  family.  I  hardly  understand  one 
word  I  write.  I  am  sure  my  days  will  be  very  few — 
few  and  miserable  they  must  be.  I  am  for  those  few 
days."  He  always  entertained  apprehensions  that  he 
should  outlive  his  understanding.  Dr.  Young  has  re- 
corded an  instance  of  this,  where  he  relates  that  walking 
out  with  Swift  and  some  others  about  a  mile  from  Dub- 
lin, he  suddenly  missed  Mr.  Dean,  who  had  staid  behind 
the  rest  of  the  company.  He  turned  back  in  order  to 
know  the  occasion  of  it,  and  found  Swift  at  some  dis- 
tance, gazing  intensely  at  the  top  of  a  lofty  elm,  whose 
head  had  been  blasted.  Upon  Young's  approach  he 
pointed  to  it,  saying,  i{  I  shall  be  like  that  tree,  I  shall 
die  first  at  the  top." 

Not  long  after  this  time,  his  understanding  failed  to 
such  a  degree,  that  it  was  found  necessary  to  have  legal 
guardians  appointed  to  take  care  of  his  present  estate. 
This  was  followed  by  a  fit  of  lunacy  which  continued 
some  months,  and  then  he  sank  into  a  state  of  idiocy 
which  lasted  to  his  death.  He  died  October  19,  1745. 
When  the  death  of  the  dean,  so  beloved  and  admired 
in  Ireland  as  he  was,  was  announced,  the  citizens  of 
Dublin  gathered  from  all  quarters,  and  forced  their  way 
in  crowds  into  the  house,  to  pay  the  last  tribute  of  grief 
to  their  departed  benefactor.  Nothing  but  lamentations 
were  heard  round  all  the  quarter  where  he  lived  ;  and 
nappy  were  they  who  first  got  into  the  chamber  where 
he  lay,  tc  procure  locks  of  his  hair ; 

Bequeathing  it  as  a  rich  legacy 
Unto  their  issue. 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  6«J 

So  eager,  says  Sheridan,  were  numbers  to  obtain  ai 
any  price  this  precious  memorial,  that  in  less  than  an 
hour  his  head  was  stripped  of  all  its  silver  ornaments, 
so  that  not  a  hair  remained.  He  was  buried  in  the  most 
private  manner,  according  to  the  directions  of  his  will, 
in  the  great  aisle  of  St.  Patrick's.  Cathedral ;  and,  by 
way  of  monument,  a  slab  of  black  marble  was  placed 
against  the  wall,  on  which  was  engraved  the  following 
Latin  epitaph,  written  by  himself: — 

Hie  depositum  est  corpus 

JONATHAN  SWIFT,  S.  T.  P. 

Hujus  Ecclesiae  Cathedralia 

Decani 

Ubi  saeva  indignatio 
Ulterius  cor  lacerare  nequit, 

Abi  viator 

Et  imitare,  si  poteris, 
Strenuum  pro  virili  libertatis  vindicem. 

Obiit  anno  (1745) 

Mensis  (Octobris)  die  (19) 

jEtatis  anno  (78). 

Swift  was  in  person  tall,  strong,  and  well  made,  of  a 
dark  complexion,  but  with  blue  eyes,  black  and  bushy 
eyebrows,  nose  somewhat  aquiline,  and  features  which 
expressed  the  boldness  and  confidence  of  his  mind ;  he 
was  never  known  to  laugh  ;  and,  according  to  Scott 
the  description  of  Cassius,  in  Shakespeare,  might  b« 
applied  to  him : 

He  reads  much ; 

He  is  a  great  observer,  and  he  looks 

Quite  through  the  deeds  of  men. 

Seldom  he  smiles ;  and  smiles  in  such  a  sort 
As  if  he  mock'd  himself,  and  scorn'd  his  spirit 
That  could  be  m:v'd  to  smile  at  any  thing. 


66  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

His  features  have  been  preserved  in  many 
prints,  and  medals.  In  youth  he  wa's  reckoned  hand- 
some. Pope  said  that  his  eyes  were  as  azure  as  the 
heavens,  and  had  an  unusual  expression  of  acuteness. 
In  old  age,  his  countenance  was  dignified  and  expres- 
sive. He  spoke  in  public  with  facility  and  force ;  and 
had  he  been  on  the  bench  of  bishops,  he  would  ha\e 
been  of  great  assistance  to  the  ministry  in  the  House  of 
Lords.  "  The  government  of  Ireland,"  says  Scott, 
"dreaded  his  eloquence  as  much  as  his  pen."  His 
manners  in  society  were  free,  lively,  and  engaging : 
and  even  when  age  and  infirmities  had  impaired  his 
spirits  and  his  temper,  his  conversation  was  still  valued 
for  the  richness  of  the  anecdotes,  the  acquaintance 
which  it  displayed  with  mankind,  the  liveliness  of  his 
repartees,  and  shrewdness  and  satire  of  the  wit.  As 
his  memory  failed,  he  was  conscious  that  his  stories 
were  too  often  repeated.  He  was  fond  of  puns  ;  and 
Scott  says  that  the  application  of  the  line  of  Virgil  to 
the  lady  who  threw  down  a  fiddle,  is,  perhaps,  the 
best  that  ever  was  made. 

In  his  personal  habits  he  was  scrupulously  neat. 
In  his  latter  days  he  was  an  early  riser,  and  fond  of 
exercise ;  though  at  one  period  of  his  life  he  was 
said  to  lie  in  bed  and  think  of  wit  for  the  day.  Of 
his  learning,  it  must  be  said  that  it  was  not  that  of 
a  professed  scholar.  It  is  difficult  exact.ly  to  say  how 
far  his  knowledge  of  ancient  literature  extended,  but 
in  Greek  it  undoubtedly  did  not  enable  him  to  do 
more  than  read  the  best  authors  with  tolerable  facility  ; 
and  in  Latin  it  did  not  enter  into  the  critical  niceties  of 
the  language.  Chaucer's  flow  of  wit,  and  the  charm- 
ing graces  and  frank  joyous  vein  of  pleasantry  which 
animate  his  poems,  found  a  warm  admirer  in  Swift: 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  67 

he  was,  it  is  said,  fond  of  the  old  romances  of  chivalry  ; 
and  had  read  Milton  with  a  scholar's  attention.  The 
dramatic  writers  seem  not  to  have  attracted  his  notice  ; 
which  we  may  wonder  at,  considering  the  rich  stores 
of  pleasantry,  and  the  exhaustless  variety  of  character 
and  manners,  he  would  have  discovered  in  these 
works:  his  library  did  not  contain  a  copy  of  Shakes- 
peare ;  and  the  works  of  Wycherly  and  Rowe  were 
presented  by  the  authors.  History  was  a  favourite 
branch  of  his  study  ;  and  in  his  latter  years  he  confined 
himself  almost  entirely  to  Clarendon.  Scott  says,  "  that 
Swift  loved  the  country,  like  most  men  of  genius !" 
He  does  not  seem  to  have  been  much  alive  to  the 
delights  of  romantic  scenery,  or  the  picturesque  com- 
binations of  landscape  ;  but  he  was  fond  of  the  advan- 
tages which  it  gave,  the  opportunities  of  exercise,  and 
freedom  from  restraint.  The  stern  independence  of  his 
character,  and  the  strangeness  and  waywardness  of  his 
temper,  made  him  appear,  to  superficial  observers,  full 
ot  contradictions.  He  was  a  zealous  churchman,  for 
no  one  carried  the  lights  of  his  order  higher  than  he 
did,  nor  could  he  brook  the  least  slight  or  disparage- 
ment on  that  subject;  yet  he  often  wrote  on  matters 
connected  with  religion,  and  religious  parties  and  be- 
lief, with  a  levity  bordering  on  profaneness.  Though 
a  friend  of  liberty,  he  sided  with  the  Tory  administra- 
tion. Disliking  Ireland,  and  abusing  the  inhabitants, 
he  yet  vindicated  her  rights,  and  appeared  to  feel 
deeply  for  her  wrongs.  Parsimonious  in  many  of  his 
habits  of  life,  to  a  degree  that  was  sordid  and  disrepu- 
table, he  dealt  out  his  charities  with  a  discerning  and 
liberal  spirit.  He  was  niggardly,  but  never  avaricious  ; 
and  a  considerable  part  of  his  moderate  income  waa 
devoted  to  purposes  of  benevolence.  His  avarice,  says 


68  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

Johnson,  though  it  might  exclude  pleasure,  was  nevet 
suffered  to  encroach  upon  his  virtue.  He  was  frugal 
by  inclination,  but  was  liberal  by  principle.  And  if  the 
purpose  to  which  he  destined  his  little  accumulations  be 
remembered,  with  his  distribution  of  occasional  charity, 
it  will  perhaps  appear  that  he  only  liked  one  mode  of 
expense  better  than  another,  and  saved  merely  tiiat  he 
might  have  something  to  give.  He  did  not  grow  rich 
by  injuring  his  successors,  but  left  both  Laracor  and 
the  Deanery  more  valuable  than  he  found  them. 

In  his  habits  of  society  he  seems  never  to  have  lost 
the  singularities  of  his  temper,  though  he  had  been 
educated  in  the  refined  society  of  Sir  W.  Temple's 
house,  and  though  he  was  probably  master  of  all  the 
rules  of  good  breeding  and  politeness,  yet  he  affected  a 
rude  bluntness  of  manner  and  strange  independence  of 
character,  that  was  not  always  understood  or  allowed. 
He  would  call  Lord  Oxford  out  of  the  house  merely  to 
form  some  trifling  arrangement,  and  he  would  make 
Lady  Burlington  sing,  though  she  expressed  a  disin- 
clination ;  but  to  his  inferiors,  this  waywardness  of 
disposition  often  passed  into  offences  that  could  not  be 
home,  and  he  trespassed  at  last  too  much  on  the  good- 
nature and  attachment  of  Sheridan.  He  is  said  to  have 
much  disliked  the  military,  and  the  profession  of  the 
law  always  afforded  a  rich  harvest  of  bitter  sarcasms 
and  ridicule. 

Swift  was  steady  and  zealous  in  his  friendships,  and 
those  whom  he  promoted  by  his  interest,  or  received 
into  his  intimacy,  were  generally  persons  distinguished 
for  their  patriotism  or  their  talents.  His  prejudices  ana 
antipathies  were  grounded  upon  reasons  of  political 
aversion.  The  language  which  he  habitually  use* 
when  alluding  to  Lord  Somers  and  Sir  Robert 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  69 

pole,  and  others,  is  well  known  ;  his  resentment  outlived 
the  faculties  and  life  of  the  Duke  of  Marlborough,  and 
attended  his  funeral  with  a  satirical  epitaph.  He  was 
unable  to  forbear  throwing  out  a  sarcasm  against 
Steele,  in  the  Rhapsody  on  Poetry,  when  death  ought 
to  have  disarmed  resentment.  In  the  spleen  and  seve- 
rity of  his  later  days,  he  classed  his  friends  into  g-ate- 
ful,  ungrateful,  indifferent,  and  doubtful.  It  is  with 
satisfaction  that  we  see  the  names  of  our  favourite 
poets.  Pope  and  Gay.  ranked  among  the  few  who  are 
honoured  with  the  full  esteem  of  the  writer ;  and  if  we 
find  Dr.  Parnelle  and  Mr.  Berkeley,  marked  with  the 
letters  of  disapprobation,  we  must  make  some  allowance 
for  the  suspicion  and  caprice  which  accompanied  the 
infirmities  of  his  age.  When  his  different  productions 
were  submitted  to  the  correction  of  his  friends,  he  re- 
ceived their  remarks  with  candour  and  attention.  At 
Addison's  suggestion,  he  made  considerable  alterations 
in  the  Poem  of  Baucis  and  Philemon.  On  another 
occasion  he  put  a  pamphlet  into  the  hands  of  a  clergy- 
man, for  the  benefit  of  his  remarks ;  the  critic  suggested 
some  alterations,  but  when  the  work  appeared,  he  be- 
came sensible  that  the  passages  were  altered  for  the 
worse,  and  expressed  his  regret  that  the  Dean  had  ac- 
quiesced in  the  alteration.  "  Sir  (said  Swift),  I  consid- 
ered that  the  passages  were  of  no  great  consequence, 
and  I  made  the  alterations  you  desired  without  hesita- 
tion ;  but,  had  I  stood  up  in  their  defence,  you  might 
have  imputed  it  to  the  vanity  of  an  author,  unwilling  to 
hear  of  his  errors ;  and  by  this  ready  compliance,  I 
hoped  you  would  at  all  times  hereafter  be  the  more  free 
in  your  remarks."  Sir  W.  Scott  has  summed  up  Swift's 
character  as  an  author,  in  such  a  just  and  discriminating 
manner,  and  has  given  such  value  to  his  praise  by  its 


70  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

impartiality,  that  I  cannot  do  better  than  extract  from 
it  what  is  necessary  to  enable  the  reader  of  Swift'a 
works,  to  form  a  correct  estimate  of  his  talents. 

"  As  an  author,  there  are  three  peculiarities  remark- 
able in  the  character  of  Swift;  the  first  is,  the  distin- 
guished attribute  of  originality,  and  it  cannot  be  refused 
to  him  by  the  most  severe  critic.  Even  Johnson  has 
allowed  that  no  author  can  be  found  who  has  borrowed 
BO  little,  or  who  has  so  well  maintained  his  claim  to  be 
considered  original.  There  was,  indeed,  nothing  written 
before  his  time  which  could  serve  for  his  model,  and  the 
few  hints  which  he  has  adopted  from  other  authors, 
bear  no  more  resemblance  to  his  compositions,  than  the 
green  flax  to  the  cable  which  is  formed  from  it. 

"  The  second  peculiarity,  ia  his  total  indifference  to 
literary  fame.  Swift  executed  his  various  and  nume- 
rous works  as  a  carpenter  forms  wedges,  mallets,  01 
other  implements  of  his  art — not  with  the  purpose  of 
distinguishing  himself  by  the  workmanship  of  the  tools 
themselves,  but  solely  in  order  to  render  them  fit  for 
accomplishing  a  certain  purpose,  beyond  which  they 
were  of  no  value  in  his  eyes.  He  is  often  anxious  about 
the  success  of  his  argument,  and  jealous  of  those  who 
debate  the  principles  and  the  purpose  for  which  he  as- 
sumes the  pen,  but  he  evinces  on  all  occasions  an  un- 
affected indifference  for  the  fate  of  his  writings,  pro- 
viding the  end  of  their  publication  was  answered.  The 
careless  mode  in  which  Swift  suffered  his  works  to  get 
to  the  public,  his  refusing  them  the  credit  of  hw?  namej 
and  his  renouncing  all  connection  with  the  profits  of 
literature,  indicate  his  disdain  of  the  character  of »  pro- 
fessional author. 

"The  third  distinguishing  mark  of  Swift's  literary 
character  is,  that  with  the  exception  of  history  (for  hia 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  71 

fagitive  attempts  in  Pindaric  and  Latin  verse  are  too 
unimportant  to  be  noticed),  he  has  never  attempted  a 
style  of  composition,  in  which  he  has  not  obtained  a 
distinguished  pitch  of  excellence.  We  may  often  think 
the  immediate  mode  of  exercising  his  talents  trifling, 
and  sometimes  coarse  and  offensive ;  but  his  Anglo- 
Latin  verses,  his  riddles,  his  indelicate  descriptions  and 
hid  violent  political  satires,  are  in  their  various  depart- 
ments as  excellent  as  the  subjects  admitted,  and  only 
leave  us  more  occasion  to  regret  that  so  much  talent 
was  not  uniformly  employed  on  nobler  topics.' 

As  a  poet,  Swift's  post  is  pre-eminent  in  the  sort  of 
poetry  which  he  cultivated.  He  never  attempted  any 
species  of  composition  in  which  either  the  sublime  or 
pathetic  were  required  of  him.  But  in  every  depart- 
ment of  poetry  where  that  was  rfecessary,  he  displayed 
as  the  subject  chanced  to  require,  either  the  blasting 
lightning  of  satire,  or  the  lambent  and  meteor-like  cari- 
catures of  frolicsome  humour.  His  powers  of  versifica- 
tion are  admirably  adapted  to  his  favourite  subject. 
Rhyme,  which  is  a  handcuff  to  an  inferior  poet,  he  who 
is  master  of  his  art  wears  as  a  bracelet.  Swift  was  of 
the  latter  description;  his  lines  fall  as  easily  into  the 
best  grammatical  arrangement,  and  the  most  simple 
and  forcible  expression,  as  if  he  had  been  writing  in 
prose.  The  number  and  coincidence  of  rhymes,  always 
correct  and  natural,  though  often  unexpected,  distin- 
guish the  current  of  his  poetical  composition,  which  ex- 
hibit otherwise  no  mark  of  the  difficulties  with  which 
those  graces  are  obtained.  In  respect  of  matter,  Swifi 
seldom  elevates  his  tone  above  a  satirical  dialogue,  a 
moral  lesson,  or  a  poem  on  manners ,  but  the  former 
are  unrivalled  in  severity,  and  the  latter  in  ease. 
Sometimes,  however,  the  intensity  of  his  satire  gives  to 
his  poetry  a,  character  of  emphatic  violence,  which  bor- 


72  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

ders  upon  grandeur.  This  is  peculiarly  distinguishable 
in  the  Rhapsody  on  Poetry  which,  according  to  Dr. 
King,  he  accounted  his  best  satire,  and  surely  with 
great  justice  ;  yet  this  grandeur  is  founded,  not  on  sub- 
limity either  of  conception  or  expression,  but  upon  the 
energy  of  both,  and  indicates  rather  ardour  of  temper, 
than  power  of  imagination.  "  Facit  indignatio  versus. 
The  elevation  of  tone  arises  from  the  strong  mood  of 
passion,  rather  than  from  poetical  fancy.  When  Dry- 
den  told  Swift  he  would  never  be  a  poet,  he  only  had 
reference  to  the  Pindaric  Odes,  where  power  of  ima- 
gination was  necessary  to  success. 

In  the  walk  of  satire  and  familiar  poetry,  wit  and 
knowledge  of  mankind,  joined  to  facility  of  expression, 
are  the  principal  requisites  of  excellence,  and  in  these 
Swift  shines  unrivalled.  Cadenus  and  Vanessa  may  be 
considered  as  his  chef  d'reuvres  in  that  class  of  poems 
which  is  not  professedly  satirical.  It  is  a  poem  on 
manners,  and,  like  one  of  Marmontel's  Contes  moraux, 
traces  the  progress  and  circulation  of  passion,  existing 
between  two  persons  in  modern  society,  contrasted 
strongly  in  age.  manners,  and  situation.  Yet  even 
here  the  satirical  vein  of  Swift  has  predominated.  We 
look  in  vain  for  depth  of  feeling  or  tenderness  of  senti- 
ment, although,  had  such  existed  in  the  poet's  mind,  the 
circumstances  must  have  called  it  forth.  The  mytholo- 
gical fable,  which  conveys  the  compliments  paid  to  Va- 
nessa, is  as  cold  as  that  addressed  to  Ardelia,  or  to  Miss 
Floyd.  It  is  in  short  a  kind  of  poetry,  which  neither 
affects  sublimity  nor  pathos  ;  but  which,  in  the  graceful 
facility  of  the  poet,  unites  with  the  acute  observation  of 
the  observer  of  human  nature,  to  commemorate  the 
singular  contest  between  Cadenus  and  Vanessa,  as  an 
extraordinary  chapter  in  the  history  of  the  mind. 

The  Dean's  promptitude  in  composition  was  equal  to 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  73 

'ns  smoothness  and  felicity  of  expression.  At  Mr. 
Gore's,  in  the  county  of  Cavan,  he  heard  the  lively  air 
called  the  Feast  of  O'Rourke;  and  obtaining  a  literal 
translation  of  the  original  Irish  song  from  the  author, 
Mr.  Macgowan,  executed,  with  surprising  rapidity,  the 
spirited  translation  which  is  found  in  his  works.  Of  the 
general  style  of  Swift's  poems,  Johnson  has  said,  "  They 
are  often  humorous,  almost  always  light,  and  have  the 
qualities  which  recommend  such  compositions,  easiness 
and  gayety.  They  are.  for  the  most  part,  what  their 
author  intended  ;  the  diction  is  correct,  the  numbers 
smooth,  and  the  rhymes  exact.  There  seldom  occurs  a 
nard-laboured  expression,  or  a  redundant  epithet ;  all 
his  verses  exemplify  his  own  definition  of  a  good  style 
— '  proper  words  in  proper  places.'  "  As  an  historian 
Swift  is  entitled  to  little  notice  :  his  History  of  England 
is  an  abridgment,  written  evidently  in  imitation  of  Pa- 
terculus,  but  without  those  advantages  in  point  of  infor- 
mation which  render  the  Latin  author  valuable.  The 
Dean  abandoned  his  task,  '  because,'  as  he  said  with  a 
sort  of  smile,  to  Mr.  Deane  Swift,  '  I  have  found  them 
all  -such  a  pack  of  rascals,  I  would  have  no  more  to  say 
to  them.'  His  account  of  the  four  last  years  of  Queen 
Anne  has  little  pretensions  to  the  name  of  history.  It 
is  written  with  the  feelings  and  prejudices  of  a  party 
writer,  and  does  not  deserve  to  be  separated  from  The 
Examiner  and  other  political  tracts  of  which  Swift  was 
the  author. 

But  although  his  political  treatises  raised  his  fame 
when  published,  and  are  still  read  as  excellent  modela 
of  that  species  of  composition,  it  is  to  his  Tale  of  a 
Tub,  to  the  Battle  of  the  Books,  to  his  moral  romance 
of  Gulliver,  and  to  his  smaller,  but  not  less  exquisite 
satire  on  Men  and  Manners,  that  Swift  owes  the  extent 


74  THE   LIFE   OF   SWIFT. 

and  permanency  of  his  popularity  as  an  English  class  c 
of  the  first  rank. 

In  reference  to  these  works,  Card.  Polignac  used  the 
remarkahle  expression.  '  qu'il  avoit  1'esprit  createur.' 
He  possessed,  indeed,  in  the  highest  perfection,  the 
wonderful  power  of  so  embodying  and  imaging  fort, 
the  shadows  and  riches  of  the  mind,  that  the  picture  of 
the  imagination  is  received  by  the  reader  as  if  it  were 
truth.  Undoubtedly  the  same  keen  and  powerful  intel- 
lect, which  could  sound  all  the  depths  and  shallows  of 
active  life,  had  stored  his  mind  with  facts  drawn  from 
his  own  acute  observation,  and  thus  supplied  with  ma- 
terials the  creative  talent  which  he  possessed.  In  fiction 
he  possessed,  in  the  most  extensive  sense,  the  art  of 
verisimilitude — the  power  of  adopting  and  sustaining  a 
fictitious  character  under  every  peculiarity  of  place 
and  circumstance.  A  considerable  part  of  this  secret 
rests  upon  minuteness  of  narrative.  Small  and  detached 
facts  formed  the  foreground  of  a  narrative  when  told 
by  an  eye-witness.  They  are  the  subjects  which  im- 
mediately press  upon  his  attention,  and  have,  with 
respect  to  him  as  an  individual,  an  importance  which 
they  are  far  from  bearing  to  the  general  scene  in  which 
he  is  engaged.  But  t  a  distant  spectator,  all  these 
minute  incidents  are  lost  ana  blended  in  the  general 
current  of  events  ;  and  ft  requires  the  discrimination  of 
Swift  or  Defoe  to  select  in  a  fictitious  narrative,  such  an 
enumeration  of  minute  incidents  as  might  strike  the 
beholder  of  a  real  fact,  especially  such  a  one  as  has  not 
been  taught,  by  an  enlarged  mind  and  education,  to 
generalize  his  observations. 

The  proposition  I  have  ventured  to  lay  down  respect- 
ing the  art  of  giving  verisimilitude  to  a  fictitious  narra- 
tive, has  a  corollary  resting  on  this  one  principle.  A« 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  75 

minute  pai  ticulars,  pressing  close  upon  the  observation 
of  the  narrator,  occupy  a  disproportionate  share  of  his 
narrative,  and  of  his  observation,  so  circumstances  more 
important  in  themselves,  in  those  cases,  attract  his  notice 
only  partially,  and  are,  therefore,  but  imperfectly  de- 
tailed ;  in  other  words,  there  is  a  distance  as  also  a 
foreground  in  narrative  as  in  natural  perspective,  and 
the  scale  of  objects  necessarily  decreases  as  they  are 
withdrawn  from  the  vicinity  of  him  who  reports  them. 
In  this  particular  the  art  of  Swift  is  equally  manifest. 
The  information  which  Gulliver  acquires  from  hearsay 
is  communicated  in  a  more  vague  and  general  manner 
than  that  reported  on  his  own  knowledge.  He  does 
not,  like  other  voyagers  into  Utopian  realms,  bring  us 
back  a  minute  account  of  their  laws  and  government, 
but  merely  such  general  information  upon  these  topics 
as  a  well-informed  and  curious  stranger  may  be  reason- 
ably supposed  to  acquire  during  some  months'  residence 
in  a  foreign  country.  In  short,  the  narratives — the 
centre  and  main-spring  of  the  story,  which  neither 
axhibits  a  degree  of  extended  information,  such  as  cir- 
cumstances could  not  permit  him  to  acquire,  nor  omits 
those  minute  incidents  which  the  same  circumstances 
rendered  of  importance  to  him,  because  immediately 
affecting  his  own  person.  Swift  has  the  more  easily 
attained  this  perfection  of  fictitious  narrative,  because 
in  all  his  work,  of  whatever  description,  he  has  main- 
tained the  most  undeviating  attention  to  the  point  at 
issue.  What  Mr.  Cambridge  has  justly  observed  of  the 
Battle  of  the  Books,  is  equally  true  as  a  general  char- 
acteristic of  Swift's  writings;  whoever  examines  them 
will  find  that  through  the  whole  piece,  no  one  episode  or 
allusion  is  introduced  for  its  own  sake,  but  every  point 
appears  not  only  consistent  with,  but  written  for  the 


76  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

express  purpose  of  strengthening  and  supporting  the 
whole.  Upon  the  style  of  Swift  Dr.  Johnson  made  the 
following  observations,  which  are  entitled  to  weight 
from  the  learning  and  character  of  the  critic.  It  is, 
however,  as  Scott  observes,  to  be  considered,  that  the 
author  of  the  Rambler  maybe  supposed  in  some  degree 
to  undervalue  a  structure  of  composition  so  strikingly 
opposed  to  his  own,  and  that  Dr.  Johnson  appears  to 
have  been  unfriendly  to  the  memory  of  Swift. 

•'  In  his  works  he  has  given  very  different  specimens 
both  of  sentiment  and  expression.  His  Tale  of  a  Tub 
has  little  resemblance  to  his  other  pieces.  It  exhibits  a 
vehemence  and  rapidity  of  mind,  a  copiousness  of 
images,  and  a  vivacity  of  diction,  such  as  he  afterwards 
never  possessed,  or  never  exerted.  It  is  of  a  mode  so 
distinct  and  peculiar  that  it  must  be  considered  of  itself, 
what  is  true,  of  that,  is  not  true  of  any  thing  else  that 
he  has  written.  In  his  other  works  is  found  an  agree- 
able tenor  of  easy  language,  which  rather  trickles  than 
flows.  His  delight  was  in  simplicity.  That  he  has  in 
his  works  no  metaphor,  as  has  been  stated,  is  not  true 
but  his  few  metaphors  seem  to  be  received*  rather  by 
necessity  than  choice.  He  studied  purity,  and  though 
perhaps  all  his  strictures  are  not  exact,  yet  it  is  not, 
often  these  solecisms  can  be  found ;  and  whoever 
depends  on  hia-'authority  may  generally  conclude  him- 
self safe.  His  sentences  are  never  too  much  dilated  or 
contracted,  and  it  would  not  be  easy  to  find  any  embar- 
rassment in  the  complication  of  his  clauses,  any  incon- 
sequence in  his  connections,  or  abruptness  in  his 
transitions.  His  style  was  well  suited  to  his  thoughts, 
which  are  never  subtilized  by  rare  disquisitions, 
decorated  by  sparkling  conceits,  elevated  by  ambitious 
(sentences,  or  variegated  by  far-sought  learning.  He 


THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT.  77 

pays  no  court  to  the  passions,  he  excites  neither  surprise 
nor  admiration.  He  always  understands  himself,  and 
his  readers  always  understand  him.  The  peruser  of 
Swift  wants  little  previous  knowledge,  and  it  is  suf- 
ficient that  he  is  acquainted  with  common  words  and 
common  things.  He  is  neither  required  to  mount  eleva- 
tions, nor  to  explore  profundities.  His  passage  is  always 
on  a  level,  or  by  solid  ground,  without  asperities,  with- 
out obstruction."  Granger,  in  his  Biographical  His- 
tory, has  given  the  following  character  of  Swift,  which 
has  been  thought  worthy  of  insertion  in  more  than 
one  of  the  accounts  of  his  life. 

"Jonathan  Swift  was  blessed  in  a  higher  degree 
than  any  of  his  contemporaries  with  the  power  of  a 
creative  genius.  The  more  we  dwell  on  the  character 
and  writings  of  this  great  man.  the  more  they  improve 
upon  us ;  in  whatever  light  we  view  him.  he  still  ap- 
pears to  be  an  original.  His  wit,  his  humour,  his 
patriotism,  his  charity,  and  his  piety,  were  of  a  different 
cast  from  those  of  other  men.  He  had  in  his  virtues 
few  equals,  and  in  his  talents  no  superior.  In  that  of 
humour,  and  especially  of  irony,  he  ever  was,  and 
probably  ever  will  be,  unrivalled.  He  did  the  highest 
honour  to  his  country  by  his  parts,  and  was  a  great 
blessing  to  it  by  the  vigilance  and  activity  of  his  public 
spirit.  His  style,  which  generally  consists  of  the  most 
naked  and  simple  terms,  is  strong,  clear,  and  expres- 
sive ;  familiar  without  vulgarity  or  meanness,  and 
beautiful  without  affectation  or  ornament.  He  is  some- 
times licentious  in  his  satire,  and  transgresses  the 
bounds  of  delicacy  and  purity.  He,  in  the  latter  part 
of  his  life,  availed  himself  of  the  privilege  of  his  great 
wit  to  trifle  ;  but  when,  in  this  instance,  we  deplore  the 
misapplication  of  such  wonderful  abilities,  we  at  the 
7* 


78  THE    LIFE    OF    SWIFT. 

same  time  admire  the  whims,  if  not  the  dotage  of  Swift. 
He  was,  perhaps,  the  only  clergyman  of  his  time  who 
had  a  thorough  knowledge  of  men  and  manners.  His 
Tale  of  a  Tub,  his  Gulliver's  Travels,  and  hisDrapier's 
Letters,  are  the  most  considerable  of  his  prose  works, 
and  his  Legion  Club,  his  Cadenus  and  Vanessa,  and 
his  Rhapsody  on  Poetry,  are  at  the  head  of  his  poetical 
performances.  His  writings  in  general  are  regarded  aa 
standing  models  of  our  language,  as  well  as  perpetual 
monuments  of  their  author'*  fame." 


GULLIVER'S   TRAVELS. 


VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT.1 


CHAPTER  I. 

The  author  give.?  some  account  of  himself  and  family— his  first  inducements  ta 
travel — he  is  shipwrecked,  and  swims  for  his  life — get*  safe  on  shore  in  the 
country  of  Lilliput— is  made  a  prisoner,  and  carried  up  the  country. 

MY  father  had  a  small  estate  in  Nottinghamshire ; 
I  was  the  third  of  five  sons.  He  sent  me  to  Eman- 
uel  College  in  Cambridge,  at  fourteen  years  old, 
where  I  resided  three  years,  and  applied  myself  close 
to  my  studies ;  but  the  charge  of  maintaining  me, 
although  I  had  a  very  scanty  allowance,  being  too 

1  Gulliver's  Travels  were  originally  designed  to  form  part  of 
a  satire  on  the  Abuse  of  Human  Learning,  projected  by  Pope, 
Swift,  and  Arbuthnot.  In  their  joint  publication,  the  "  Memoirs 
of  Martinus  Scriblerus,"  the  sketch  of  the  work  is  thus  given  by 
Pope : — 

".It  was  in  the  year  1699,  that  Martin  set  out  on  his  travels. 
Thou  wilt  certainly  be  very  curious  to  know  what  they  were.  It 
is  not  yet  time  to  inform  thee ;  but  what  hints  I  am  at  liberty  to 
give  I  will. 

"  Thou  shall  know,  then,  that  in  his  first  voyage  he  was  car- 
ried by  a  prosperous  storm  to  a  discovery  of  the  ancient  Pygmean 
empire. 

"That,  in  his  second,  he  was  happily  shipwrecked  on  the 
land  of  the  Giants,  the  most  humane  people  in  the  world. 

•'  That,  in  his  third,  he  discovered  a  whole  kingdom  of  philoso 


82  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

great  for  a  narrow  fortune,  I  was  bound  apprentice  to 
Mr.  James  Bates,  an  eminent  surgeon  in  London, 
with  whom  I  continued  four  years;  and  my  father 
now  and  then  sending  me  small  sums  of  money,  I 

phers,  who  govern  by  the  mathematics ;  with  whose  admirabio 
schemes  and  projects  he  returned  to  benefit  his  own  dear 
country ;  but  had  the  misfortune  to  find  them  rejected  by  the 
envious  ministers  of  Queen  Anne,  and  himself  sent  treacherously 
»way 

"  And  hence  it  is  that  in  his  fourth  voyage  he  discovers  a  vein 
•f  melancholy,  proceeding  almost  to  a  disgust  of  his  species; 
out  above  all,  a  mortal  detestation  of  the  whole  flagitious  race  of 
ministers,  and  a  final  resolution  not  to  give  in  any  memorial  to 
the  Secretary  of  State,  in  order  to  subject  the  lands  he  discovered. 
lo  the  crown  of  Great  Britain. 

"Now,  if  by  these  hints  the  reader  can  help  himself  to  a 
farther  discovery  of  the  nature  and  contents  of  these  travels,  he 
is  welcome  to  as  much  light  as  they  afford  him,:  I  am  obliged  by 
all  the  ties  of  honour,  not  to  speak  more  openly." 

Pope,  however,  appears  to  have  been  displeased  at  the  substitu- 
tion of  Lemuel  Gulliver  for  Martinus  Scriblerus;  he  adds,  rather 
Ill-naturedly : 

"  But  if  any  man  shall  see  such  very  extraordinary  voyages 
which  manifest  the  most  distinguishing  marks  of  a  philosopher, 
a  politician,  and  a  legislator,  and  can  imagine  them  to  belong  to 
a  surgeon  of  a  ship,  or  a  captain  of  a  merchantman,  let  him  remain 
In  his  ignorance." 

Swift  himself  thus  announces  the  approaching  appearance  of 
the  work,  in  a  letter  to  Pope,  dated  Dublin,  September  29th,  1725 
"  I  have  employed  my  time  (besides  ditching)  in  finishing,  cor 
reeling,  amending,  and  transcribing  my  travels,  in  four  parta 
complete,  newly  augmented,  and  intended  for  the  press  when  the 
world  sha  .  deserve  them,  or  rather  when  a  printer  shall  be  found 
acid  enough  to  venture  his  ears." 


The  existence  of  a  nation  o|  pigmies  was  firmly  believed  in 
lacient  times     The  diminutive  ra?e  is  mentioned  by  Herodotua, 


A   VOYAGE   TO    LILLIPUT.  83 

laid  them  out  in  learning  navigation,  and  other  parts 
of  the  mathematics,  useful  to  those  who  intend  to 
travel,  as  I  always  believed  it  would  be,  some  time  or 
other,  my  fortune  to  do.  When  I  left  Mr.  Bates,  I 

Aristotle,  Pliny,  and  even  by  some  of  the  earlier  modern  travel- 
lers. The  following  account  is  from  Ctesias,  who  was  cotempo- 
rary  with  Xenophon.  "  In  the  middle  of  India,  there  are  black 
men  called  pigmies,  using  the  same  language  as  the  other  Indi- 
ans ;  they  are  very  little,  the  tallest  of  them  being  but  two  cubits, 
and  most  of  them  but  a  cubit  and  a  half  high.  They  have  very 
long  hair,  reaching  down  to  thjir  knees  and  lower;  and  a  beard 
larger  than  any  man's.  After  their  beards  are  grown  long  they 
wear  no  clothes,  but  the  hair  of  their  head  falls  behind  a  great 
deal  below  their  hams,  and  that  of  their  beard  before  comes 
down  to  their  feet ;  then  laying  their  hair  thick  all  about  their 
body,  they  afterwards  gird  themselves,  making  use  of  their  hair 
for  clothes.  They  are  flat-nosed  and  ill-favoured.  Their  sheep 
are  like  lambs,  and  their  oxen  and  asses  scarce  as  big  as  rams, 
and  their  horses  and  mules,  and  all  their  other  cattle,  not  bigger. 
Three  thousand  of  these  pigmies  are  household  troops  in  the 
service  of  the  king  of  India.  They  are  good  archers.  They  are 
very  just,  and  use  the  same  laws  as  the  Indians  do." 

Some  of  the  old  commentators  on  the  Bible  translated  the 
word  Gammachia,  pigmies,  and  it  is  so  rendered  in  the  Vulgate : 
'•  This  circumstance,"  as  Sir  Thomas  Browne  remarks  in  his 
'  Enquiries  into  Vulgar  Errors,1  "  tended  greatly  to  confirm  the 
popular  belief  in  the  existence  of  this  fabulous  race."  Viewed 
as  a  mere  fiction,  the  account  of  Lilliput  did  not  appear  so  ex- 
travagant in  Swift's  days  as  it  does  in  ours.  Every  one  has 
heard  the  story  of  the  Irish  bishop,  a  very  learned  man,  who, 
having  read  the  voyage  to  Lilliput,  said  that  "there  were  some 
vhings  in  it,  which  he  could  not  believe." 

After  the  publication  of  the  Travels,  Swift  was  much  amused 
to  find  that  Gulliver  was  a  real  name,  and  that  a  Mr.  Jonathan 
Gulliver  was  a  member  of  the  House  of  Representatives  in 
Boston.  An  American  writer  adds,  that  this  Jonathan  deemed 
\l  necessary  to  disclaim  publicly  all  connexion  with  Lemuel. 


84  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

went  down  to  my  father ;  where,  by  the  assistance  of 
him  and  my  uncle  John,  and  some  other  relations,  1 
got  forty  pounds,  and  a  promise  of  thirty  pounds  a 
year  to  maintain  me  at  Leyden;  there  I  studied 
physic  two  years  and  seven  months,  knowing  it  would 
be  useful  to  me  in  long  voyages.  Soon  after  my 
return  from  Ley  den,  I  was  recommended  by  my  good 
master,  Mr.  Bates,  to  be  surgeon  to  the  Swallow, 
Captain  Abraham  Pannell  commander ;  with  whom 
I  continued  three  years  and  a  half,  making  a  voyage 
or  two  into  the  Levant  and  some  other  parts.  When 
I  came  back  I  resolved  to  settle  in  London  ;  to  which 
Mr.  Bates,  my  master,  encouraged  me,  and  by  him  I 
was  recommended  to  several  patients.  I  took  part  of 
a  small  house  in  the  Old  Jewry ;  and  being  advised 
to  alter  my  condition,  I  married  Miss  Mary  Burton, 
second  daughter  to  Mr.  Edmund  Burton,  hosier  in 
Newgate-street,  with  whom  I  received  four  hundred 
pounds  for  a  portion.1 

1  Swift  and  Defoe  are  unrivalled  in  the  art  of  introducing  trl 
fling  and  minute  circumstances,  which  give  an  air  of  reality  ta 
their  fictitious  narratives.  In  Gulliver's  early  history,  as  in  that 
of  Crusoe,  persons  are  casually  mentioned  of  whom  we  hear 
nothing  more.  Gulliver's  uncle,  like  Crusoe's  brother,  only 
comes  on  the  stage  to  disappear  again  for  ever.  This  is  quite 
contrary  to  the  usual  course  of  romance  writers,  who  rarely  in- 
troduce a  personage  or  an  incident  that  does  not  in  someway  aid 
he  development  of  the  plot.  Sir  Walter  Scott  suggests  that 
Swift  probably  imitated  Defoe  in  this  particular,  but  the  ideal 
character  of  Gulliver  naturally  led  the  Dean  to  introduce  these 
petty  particulars.  He  designed  to  portray  Gulliver  as  a  kind  of 
second  Dampier,  uniting  the  homely  sense  and  prejudices  of  a 
true-born  Englishmen  to  the  acquired  wisdom  of  a  life  of  a  ven- 


A    VOYAGE   TO    LILLIPUT.  85 

But  my  good  master  Bates  dying  in  two  years 
after,  and  I  having  few  friends,  my  business  began  to 
fail ;  for  my  conscience  would  not  suffer  me  to  imi- 
tate the  bad  practice  of  too  many  among  my  brethren. 
Having,  therefore,  consulted  with  my  wife  and  some 
of  my  acquaintance,  I  determined  to  go  again  to  sea. 
I  was  surgeon  successively  in  two  ships,  and  made 
several  voyages,  for  six  years,  to  the  East  and  West 
Indies,  by  which  I  got  some  addition  to  my  fortune. 
My  hours  of  leisure  I  spent  in  reading  the  best  authors, 
ancient  and  modern,  being  always  provided  with  a 
good  number  of  books ;  and  when  [  was  ashore,  in 
observing  the  manners  and  dispositions  of  the  people, 
as  well  as  learning  their  language;  wherein  I  had 
a  great  facility,  by  the  strength  of  my  memory. 

The  last  of  these  voyages  not  proving  very  for- 
tunate,  I  grew  weary  of  the  sea,  and  intended  to  stay 
at  home  with  my  wife  and  family.  I  removed  from 
the  Old  Jewry  to  Fetter-lane,  and  from  thence  to 
Wapping,  hoping  to  get  business  among  the  sailors, 
but  it  would  not  turn  to  account.  After  three  years' 

tures.  There  is  a  sailor's  bluntness  and  frankness  in  every  thing 
that  Gulliver  tells  us  of  himself  and  family;  the  occasional 
minuteness,  and  even  coarseness,  of  the  personal  details  are 
faithfully  taken  from  the  journals  of  the  early  English  voyagers, 
whose  accounts  of  their  discoveries  are  strangely  blended  with  tho 
most  trifling  particulars  respecting  their  food,  clothing,  etc.  The 
character  of  Gulliver  is  that  of  a  thorough  English  sailor;  his 
education  at  Leyden  did  not  raise  him  too  high  above  the  rud« 
tars  with  whom  he  mingled,  and  we  always  find  his  learning 
brought  forward  with  difficulty,  and  by  an  effort,  while  hit 
mother- wit  and  sailor's  courage  are  present  in  every  emergency. 
8 


8(J  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

expectation  that  things  would  mend,  I  accepted  an 
advantageous  offer  from  Captain  William  Prichard, 
master  of  the  Antelope,  who  was  making  a  voyage  to 
the  South  Sea.  We  set  sail  from  Bristol,  May  4, 
1699,  and  our  voyage  at  first  was  very  prosperous. 

It  would  not  be  proper,  for  some  reasons,  to  trouble 
the  reader  with  the  particulars  of  our  adventures  in 
those  seas  ;  let  it  suffice  to  inform  him,  that  in  our 
passage  from  thence  to  the  East  Indies,  we  were 
driven  by  a  violent  storm  to  the  north-west  of  Van 
Diemen's  Land.1  By  an  observation,  we  found  our- 
selves  in  the  latitude  of  30  degrees  2  minutes  south. 
Twelve  of  our  crew  were  dead  by  immoderate  labour 
and  ill  food  ;  the  rest  were  in  a  very  weak  condition. 
On  the  5th  of  November,  which  was  the  beginning 
of  summer  in  those  parts,  the  weather  being  very 
hazy,  the  seamen  spied  a  rock  within  half  a  cable's 
length  of  the  ship  ;  but  the  wind  was  so  strong  that 
we  were  driven  directly  upon  it,  and  immediately 
split.  Six  of  the  crew,  of  whom  I  was  one,  having 
let  down  the  boat  into  the  sea,  made  a  shift  to  get 
clear  of  the  ship  and  the  rock.  We  rowed,  by  my  com- 
putation, about  three  leagues,  till  we  were  able  to 
work  no  longer,  being  already  spent  with  labour 
while  we  were  in  the  ship.  We  therefore  trusted 
ourselves  to  the  mercy  of  the  waves,  and  in  about  half 

1This  island  was  first  discovered,  A.  D.  1633,  by  Abel  Jansou 
Tasman,  a  Dutch  navigator,  who  called  it  Van  Diemen's  Land 
after  the  governor  of  Batavia,  by  whom  he  had  been  sent  to  ex- 
amine the  Souhern  Ocean.  Tasman's  narrative  was  very  loose 
and  inaccurate,  se  that  Swift  might  people  the  seas  which  that 
navigator  traversed,  with  any  creatures  he  pleased. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    L1LLIPUT.  87 

an  hour  the  boat  was  overset  by  a  sudden  flurry  from 
the  north.  What  became  of  my  companions  in  the  boat, 
as  well  as  of  those  who  escaped  on  the  rock,  or  were 
left  in  the  vessel,  I  cannot  tell ;  but  conclude  they 
were  all  lost.  For  my  own  part,  I  swam  as  fortune 
directed  me,  and  was  pushed  forward  by  wind  and 
tide.  I  often  let  my  legs  drop,  and  could  feel  no  bot- 
tom ;  but  when  I  was  almost  gone,  and  able  to  strug- 
gle  no  longer,  I  found  myself  within  my  depth  ;  and 
by  this  time  the  storm  was  much  abated.  The  de- 


clivity was  so  small,  that  I  walked  near  a  mile  before 
I  got  to  the  shore,  which  I  conjectured  was  about  eight 
o'clock  in  the  evening.  I  then  advanced  forward  near 
half  a  mile,  but  could  not  discover  any  sign  of  houses 
or  inhabitants  ;  at  least  I  was  in  so  weak  a  condition 
that  I  did  not  observe  them.  I  was  extremely  tired, 
and  with  that,  and  the  heat  of  the  weather,  and  about 
half  a  pint  of  brandy  that  I  drank  as  I  left  the  ship,  I 
found  myself  much  inclined  to  sleep.  I  lay  down  on 
the  grass,  which  was  very  short  and  soft,  where  I  slept 
sounder  than  ever  I  remembered  to  have  done  in  my 
life,  and,  as  I  reckoned,  about  nine  hours  ;  for  when 
1  awaked,  it  was  just  daylight.  I  attempted  to  rise, 


88  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

but  was  not  able  to"  stir ;  for,  as  I  happened  to  lie  on 
my  back,  I  found  my  arms  and  legs  were  strongly 
fastened  on  each  side  to  the  ground ;  and  my  hair, 
which  was  long  and  thick,  tied  down  in  the  same  man- 
ner.  I  likewise  felt  several  slender  ligatures  across 
my  body,  from  my  arm-pits  to  my  thighs.  I  could 
only  look  upwards  ;  the  sun  began  to  grow  hot,  and 
the  light  offended  my  eyes.  I  heard  a  confused  noise 
about  me  ;  but  in  the  posture  I  lay,  could  see  nothing 
except  the  sky.  In  a  little  time  I  -felt  something  alive 
moving  on  my  left  leg,  which  advancing  gently  for- 
ward over  my  breast,  came  almost  up  to  my  chin; 
when  bending  my  eyes  downward  as  much  as  I  could, 
I  perceived  it  to  be  a  human  creature  not  six  inches 
high,  with  a  bow  and  arrow  in  his  hands,  and  a  quiver 
at  his  back.1  In  the  meantime,  I  felt  at  least  forty 
more  of  the  same  kind  (as  I  conjectured)  following 
the  first.  I  was  in  the  utmost  astonishment,  and  roared 
so  loud  that  they  all  ran  back  in  a  fright ;  and  some 
of  them,  as  I  was  afterwards  told,  were  hurt  by  the 

»This  incident  is  taken  from  Philostratus.  (Icon.  lib.  ii.  p.  817) 
"The  pigmies,"  he  says,  "were  anxious  to  revenge  the  death  of 
Antaeus,  and  having  found  Hercules  napping  in  Libya,  they 
mustered  up  all  their  forces  against  him.  One  phalanx  assaulted 
his  left  hand  ;  but  against  his  right  hand,  that  being  the  stronger, 
two  phalanxes  were  appointed.  The  archers  and  slingers  besieged 
his  feet,  admiring  the  hugeness  of  his  thighs ;  but  against  his 
head,  as  the  arsenal,  they  raised  batteries,  the  king  himself  tak- 
ing his  post  there.  They  set  fire  to  his  hair,  put  reaping-hooks 
In  his  eyes ;  and  that  he  might  not  breathe,  fixed  doors  to  hia 
mouth  and  nostrils.  But  all  the  execution  that  they  could  do  wag 
only  to  awake  him ;  and  when  this  was  done,  deriding  their  folly, 
he  gathered  them  all  up  into  his  lion's  skin,  aud  carried  them 
(Philostratus  thinks)  to  Euristhenes." 


A   VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  89 

tails  the}'  got  by  leaping  from  my  sides  upon  the 
ground.  However,  they  soon  returned,  and  one  of 
them,  who  ventured  so  far  as  to  get  a  full  sight  of  my 
face,  lifting  up  his  hands  and  eyes  by  way  of  admira- 
tion, cried  out  in  a  shrill  but  distinct  voice,  Hekinah 
degul !  the  others  repeated  the  same  words  several 
times,  but  I  then  knew  not  what  they  meant. 

I  lay  all  this  while,  as  the  reader  may  believe,  in 
great  uneasiness  ;  at  length,  struggling  to  get  loose,  I 
had  the  fortune  to  break  the  strings,  and  wrench  out 
the  pegs  that  fastened  my  left  arm  to  the  ground  ;  for, 
by  lifting  it  up  to  my  face,  I  discovered  the  methods 
they  had  taken  to  bind  me,  and  at  the  same  time  with 
a  violent  pull,  which  gave  me  excessive  pain,  I  a  little 
loosened  the  strings  that  tied  down  my  hair  on  the  left 
side,  so  that  I  was  just  able  to  turn  my  head  about 
two  inches.  But  the  creatures  ran  off  a  second  time, 
before  I  could  seize  them  ;  whereupon  there  was  a 
great  shout  in  a  very  shrill  accent,  and  after  it  had 
ce,ised  I  heard  one  of  them  cry  aloud,  Tolgo  phonac  ; 
v  Jien  in  an  instant  I  felt  above  a  hundred  arrows  dis- 
charged on  my  left  hand,  which  pricked  me  like  so 
many  needles;  and  besides,  they  shot  another  flight 
into  the  air,  ass  we  do  bombs  in  Europe,  whereof  many, 
I  suppose,  fell  on  my  body  (though  I  felt  them  not), 
and  some  on  my  face,  which  I  immediately  covered 
with  my  left  hand.  When  this  shower  of  arrows  was 
over,  I  fell  a  groaning  with  grief  and  pain,  and  then 
striving  a^a.ti  ^  get  loose,  they  discharged  another 
volley  larger  than  the  first,  and  some  of  them  attempted 
with  spears  to  stick  me  in  the  sides  ;  but  by  jjr<xH 
6* 


90  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

I  had  on  me  a  buff  jerkin,  which  they  could  not 
pierce.  I  thought  it  the  most  prudent  method  to  lie 
still,  and  my  design  was  to  continue  so  till  night,  when, 
my  left  hand  being  already  loose,  I  could  easily  free 
myself:  and  as  for  the  inhabitants,  I  had  reason  to  be- 
lieve I  might  be  a  match  for  the  greatest  army  the) 
could  bring  against  me,  if  they  were  all  of  the  sarm 
size  with  him  that  I  saw.  But  fortune  disposed  other 
wise  of  me.  When  the  people  observed  I  was  quiet, 
they  discharged  no  more  arrows ;  but,  by  the  noise 
I  heard,  1  knew  their  numbers  increased ;  and  about 
four  yards  from  me,  over  against  my  right  ear,  I 
heard  a  knocking  for  above  an  hour,  like  that  of  peo- 
ple at  work  ;  when  turning  my  head  that  way,  as  well 
as  the  pegs  and  strings  would  permit  me,  I  saw  a 
stage  erected  about  a  foo'.  and  a  half  from  the  ground, 
capable  of  holding  fouz  of  the  inhabitants,  with  two 
or  three  ladders  to  mount  it ;  from  whence  one  of 
them,  who  seemed  to  bo  a  person  of  quality,  made  mo 
a  long  speech,  wbvreof  I  understood  not  one  syllable.1 

1  Moore  has  raado  a  very  amusing  use  of  this  incident,  in  an 
ode  to  Sir  Hudson.  Lowe,  which  is  too  good  to  be  passed  over 
<rith  a  mere  reference. 

Sir  Hi'.dson  Lowe,  Sir  Hudson  Low, 
(By  name,  and  ah  !  by  nature  so,) 

As  thou  art  fond  of  persecutions  j 
Perhaps  thou'st  read,  or  heard  repeated, 
How  Captain  Gulliver  was  treated, 

When  thrown  among  the  Lilliputians. 

They  tied  him  down — these  little  men  did— 
And  having  valiantly  ascended 

Upon  the  mighty  man's  protuberance, 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPT3T.  91 

But  I  should  have  mentioned,  that  before  the  principal 
person  began  his  oration,  he  cried  out  three  times, 
Langro  dehul  san  (these  words  and  the  former  were 
afterwards  repeated  and  explained  to  me).  Where- 
upon,  immediately  about  fifty  of  the  inhabitants  came 
and  cut  the  string  that  fastened  the  left  side  of  my 
head,  which  gave  me  the  liberty  of  turning  it  to  the 
'•ight,  and  of  observing  the  person  and  gesture  of  him 
that  was  to  speak.  He  appeared  to  be  of  middle  age, 
and  taller  than  any  of  the  other  three  who  attended 
him,  whereof  one  was  a  page  that  held  up  his  train, 
and  seemed  to  be  somewhat  longer  than  my  middle 
finger ;  the  other  two  stood  one  on  each  side  to  sup- 
port him.  He  acted  every  part  of  an  orator,  and  I 
could  observe  many  periods  of  threatenings,  and  others 
of  promises,  pity,  and  kindness.1  I  answered  in  a 

They  did  so  strut !    Upon  my  soul, 
It  must  have  been  extremely  droll 

To  see  their  pigmy  pride's  exuberance ! 

And  how  the  doughty  mannikins 
Amused  themselves  with  sticking  pins 

And  needles  in  the  great  man's  breeches  ; 
And  how  some  very  little  things, 
That  pass'd  for  lords,  on  scaffoldings 

Got  up  and  worried  him  with  speeches. 

Alas  !  alas !  that  it  should  happen, 
To  mighty  men  to  be  caught  napping; 

Though  different  too  these  persecutions; 
For  Gulliver  there  took  the  nap, 
While  here,  the  Nap — ah,  sad  mishap  ! — 

Is  taken  by  the  Lilliputians. 

1  In  the  excitement  that  followed  the  Revolution,  public  speak- 
ing became  more  common  in  England  than  it  had  ever  been 
before,  and  several  of  the  wh'g  lords  rendered  efficient  senrica 


92  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

few  words,  but  in  the  most  submissive  manner,  lifting 
up  my  left  hand  and  both  my  eyes  to  the  sun,  as  call- 
ing him  for  a  witness  ;  and  being  almost  famished 
with  hunger,  not  having  eaten  a  morsel  for  some  hours 
before  I  left  the  ship,  I  found  the  demands  of  nature 
so  strong  upon  me  that  I  could  not  forbear  showing 
my  impatience  (perhaps  against  the  strict  rules  of 
decency),  by  putting  my  finger  frequently  to  my 
mouth,  to  signify  that  I  wanted  food.  The  liurgo  (for 
BO  they  call  a  great  lord,  as  I  afterwards  learnt)  un- 
derstood me  very  well.  He  descended  from  the  stage, 
and  commanded  that  several  ladders  should  be  ap- 
plied to  niy  sides,  on  which  above  a  hundred  of  the 
inhabitants  mounted,  and  walked  towards  my  mouth, 
laden  with  baskets  full  of  meat,  which  had  been  pro- 
vided and  sent  thither  by  the  king's  orders,  upon  the 
first  intelligence  he  received  of  me.  I  observed  there 
was  the  flesh  of  several  animals,  but  could  not  dis- 
tinguish them  by  the  taste.  There  were  shoulders, 
legs  and  loins,  shaped  like  those  of  mutton,  and  very 
well  dressed,  but  smaller  than  the  wings  of  a  lark. 
1  ate  them  by  two  and  three  at  a  mouthful,  and  took 
three  loaves  at  a  time  about  the  bigness  of  musket 
bullets.  They  supplied  me  as  fast  as  they  could, 

to  the  cause  of  the  Hanoverian  succession,  by  their  speeches  at 
county  meetings.  Swift  despised  and  hated  these  itinerant  ora- 
tors, to  whose  exertions  the  overthrow  of  his  party  was  mainly 
owing,  and  it  is  probable  that  in  this  description  he  alludes  to 
some  particular  leader  of  the  whig  party  who  was  remarkable  for 
his  addresses  to  popular  assemblies.  Sir  Robert  Walpole  after 
his  expulsion  from  parliament  was  an  active  agitator  among  the 
whigs,  and  was  not  less  formidable  to  Harley  and  Bolingbroke, 
outside  the  walls  of  the  Flmise  of  Commons,  than  he  had  been  a* 
a  leader  of  parliamentary  opposition. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPCJT. 


93 


showing  a  thousand  marks  of  wonder  and  astonishment 
at  my  bulk  and  appetite. 

I  then  made  another  sign  that  I  wanted  drink. 
They  found  by  my  eating  that  a  small  quantity 
would  not  suffice  me  ;  and  being  a  most  ingenious 
people,  they  slung  up,  with  great  dexterity,  one  of 
their  ^rgest  hogsheads,  then  rolled  it  towards  my 
hand,  and  beat  out  the  top  ;  I  drank  it  off  at  a 
draught,  which  I  might  well  do,  for  it  did  not  hold 
half  a  pint,  and  tasted  like  a  small  wine  of  Burgundy, 
but  much  more  delicious.  They  brought  me  a  sec- 
ond hogshead,  which  I  drank  in  the  same  manner, 
and  made  signs  for  more  :  but  they  had  none  to  give 


me.  When  I  had  performed  these  wonders  they 
shouted  for  joy,  and  danced  upon  my  breast,  repeat, 
ing  several  times  as  they  did  at  first,  Hekinah  degul. 
They  made  me  a  sign  that  I  should  throw  down  the 
two  nogsheadsj  but  first  warning  the  people  below  to 


/* 
94  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

stand  out  of  the  way,  crying  aloud,  Borach  mevolah  , 
and  when  they  saw  the  vessels  in  the  air,  there  was 
a  universal  shout  of  Hekinah  deguL  I  confess  I  was 
often  tempted,  while  they  were  passing  backwards 
and  forwards  on  my  body,  to  seize  forty  or  fifty  of 
the  first  that  came  in  my  reach,  and  dash  them 
against  the  ground.  But  the  remembrance  of  what 
I  had  felt,  which  probably  might  not  be  the  worst 
they  could  do,  and  the  promise  of  honour  I  made 
them — for  so  I  interpreted  my  submissive  behaviour 
— soon  drove  out  these  imaginations.  Besides,  I  now 
considered  myself  as  bound  by  the  laws  of  hospi- 
tality, to  a  people  who  had  treated  me  with  so  much 
expense  and  magnificence.  However,  in  my  thoughts 
I  could  not  sufficiently  wonder  at  the  intrepidity  of 
these  diminutive  mortals,  who  durst  venture  to  mount 
arid  walk  upon  my  body  while  one  of  my  hands  was 
at  liberty,  without  trembling  at  the  very  sight  of 
so  prodigious  a  creature  as  I  must  appear  to  them. 
After  some  time,  when  they  observed  that  I  made  no 
more  demands  for  meat,  there  appeared  before  me  a 
person  of  high  rank  from  his  imperial  majesty. 
His  excellency,  having  mounted  on  the  small  of 
my  right  leg,  advanced  forwards  up  to  my  face, 
with  about  a  dozen  of  his  retinue,  and  producing  his 
credentials  under  the  signet  royal,  which  he  applied 
close  to  my  eyes,  spoke  about  ten  minutes  without 
any  signs  of  anger,  but  with  a  kind  of  determinate 
resolution  ;  often  pointing  fprwards,  which,  as  I  af- 
terwards found,  was  towards  the  capital  city,  about 
half  a  mile  distant,  whither  it  was  agreed  by  his  ma- 


A  VO1AGE  TO  LILLIFUT.  95 

jesty  in  council  that  I  must  be  conveyed.  I  answered 
in  few  words,  but  to  no  purpose,  and  made  a  sign 
with  my  hand  that  was  loose,  putting  it  to  the  other 
(but  over  his  excellency's  head  for  fear  of  hurting 
him  or  his  train),  and  then  to  my  own  head  and  body, 
to  signify  that  I  desired  my  liberty. 

It  appeared  that  he  understood  me  well  enough,  for 
he  shook  his  head  by  way  of  disapprobation,  and  held 
his  hands  in  a  posture  to  show  that  I  must  be  carried 
as  a  prisoner.  However,  he  made  other  signs,  to  lei 
me  understand  that  I  should  have  meat  and  drink 
enough,  and  very  good  treatment.  Whereupon  I 
once  more  thought  of  attempting  to  break  my  bonds ; 
but  again,  when  I  felt  the  smart  of  their  arrows  upon 
my  face  and  hands,  which  were  all  in  blisters,  and 
many  of  the  darts  still  sticking  in  them,  and  observ- 
ing likewise  that  the  number  of  my  enemies  in- 
creased,  I  gave  tokens  to  let  them  know  that  they 
might  do  with  me  what  they  pleased.  Upon  this,  the 
hurgo  and  his  train  withdrew,  with  much  civility  and 
cheerful  countenances.  Soon  after  I  heard  a  general 
shout,  with  frequent  repetitions  of  the  words,  Peplom 
selan  ;  and  I  felt  great  numbers  of  people  on  my  left 
side  relaxing  the  cords  to  such  a  degree  that  I  was 
able  to  turn  upon  my  right,  and  to  ease  myself  with 
making  water ;  which  I  very  plentifully  did,  to  the 
great  astonishment  of  the  people  ;  who,  conjecturing 
by  my  motion  what  I  was  going  to  do,  immediately 
opened  to  the  right  and  left  on  that  side,  to  avoid  the 
torrent,  which  fell  with  such  noise  and  violence  from 
me.  But,  before  this,  they  had  daubed  my  face  and 


96  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

both  my  hands,  with  a  sort  of  ointment,  very  pleasant 
to  the  smell,  which,  in  a  few  minutes,  removed  all 
the  smart  of  their  arrows.  These  circumstances, 
added  to  the  refreshment  I  had  received  by  their  vic- 
tuals and  drink,  which  were  very  nourishing,  disposed 
me  to  sleep.  I  slept  about  eight  hours,  as  I  was  af- 
terwards assured ;  and  it  was  no  wonder,  for  the 
physicians,  by  the  emperor's  order,  had  mingled  a 
sleepy  potion  in  the  hogsheads  of  wine. 

It  seems,  that  upon  the  first  moment  I  was  dis- 
covered sleeping  on  the  ground,  after  my  landing, 
the  emperor  had  early  notice  of  it  by  an  express  ; 
and  determined  in  council,  that  I  should  be  tied  in 
the  manner  I  have  related  (which  was  done  in  the 
night  while  I  slept),  that  plenty  of  meat  and  drink 
should  be  sent  me,  and  a  machine  prepared  to  carry 
me  to  the  capital  city.  This  resolution  perhaps  may 
appear  very  bold  and  dangerous,  and  I  am  confident 
would  not  be  imitated  by  any  prince  in  Europe  on  the 
like  occasion.  However,  in  my  opinion,  it  was  ex- 
tremely prudent,  as  well  as  generous  ;  for,  suppos- 
ing these  people  had  endeavoured  to  kill  me  with 
their  spears  and  arrows,  while  I  was  asleep,  I  should 
certainly  have  awaked  with  the  first  sense  of  smart, 
which  might  so  far  have  aroused  my  rage  and  strength 
as  to  have  enabled  me  to  break  the  strings  wherewith 
I  was  tied  j  after  which,  as  they  were  not  able  to 
make  resistance,  so  they  could  expect  no  mercy. 

These  people  are  most  excellent  mathematicians, 
and  arrived  to  a  great  perfection  in  mechanics  by  the 
countenance  and  encouragement  of  the  emperor,  who 


A  VOYAGE  TO  L1LLIPUT.  9? 

is  a  renowned  patron  of  learning.  This  prince  has 
several  machines  fixed  on  wheels,  for  the  carriage  of 
trees  and  other  great  weights.  He  often  builds  his 
largest  men-of-war,  whereof  some  are  nine  feet  long, 
in  the  woods  where  the  timber  grows,  and  has  them 
carried  on  these  engines  three  or  four  hundred  yards 
to  the  sea.  Five  hundred  carpenters  and  engineers 
were  immediately  set  at  work  to  prepare  the  greatest 
engine  they  had.  It  was  a  frame  of  wood  raised  three 
inches  from  the  ground,  about  seven  feet  long  and 
four  wide,  moving  upon  twenty-two  wheels.  The 
shout  I  heard  was  upon  the  arrival  of  this  engine, 
which,  it  seems,  set  out  in  four  hours  after  my  land- 
ing. It  was  brought  parallel  to  me,  as  I  lay.  But 
the  principal  difficulty  was  to  raise  and  place  me  in 
this  vehicle.  Eighty  poles,  each  of  one  foot  high, 
were  erected  for  this  purpose,  and  very  strong  cords 
of  the  bigness  of  packthread,  were  fastened  by  hooks 
to  many  bandages,  which  the  workmen  had  girt  round 
my  neck,  my  hands,  my  body,  and  my  legs.  Nine 
hundred  of  the  strongest  men  were  employed  to  draw 
up  these  cords,  by  many  pulleys  fastened  on  the  poles  ; 
and  thus,  in  less  than  three  hours,  I  was  raised  and 
slung  into  the  engine,  and  there  tied  fast.1  All  this  I 

1  The  caution  of  the  Lilliputian  courtiers  is  probably  designed 
u>  ridicule  the  over-acted  solicitude  by  which  the  ministers  of 
George  I.  affected  to  protect  the  king  from  the  plots  of  the  Jaco- 
oites.  The  Tories  who  hasted  to  greet  the  king  on  his  landing, 
were  either  refused  admittance  or  harshly  dismissed.  "  Lord 
Harcourt,  who  arrived  with  a  patent  for  the  peerage  of  the  Princa 
of  Wales,  was  abruptly  dismissed  ;  the  Duke  of  Ormond,  wh« 
w««  hastening  to  Greenwich,  was  forbidden  to  appear  in  the  royal 
9 


98  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS 

was  told  ;  for,  while  tho  operation  was  performing,  1 
lay  in  a  profound  sleep,  by  the  force  of  that  soporife- 
rous  medicine  infused  into  my  liquor.  Fifteen  hun- 
dred  of  the  emperor's  largest  horses,  each  about  four 
inches  and  a  half  high,  were  employed  to  draw  me 
towards  the  metropolis,  which,  as  I  said,  was  half  a 
mile  distant. 

About  four  hours  after  we  began  our  journey,  I 
awaked  by  a  very  ridiculous  accident ;  for  the  car- 
riage  being  stopped  a  while,  to  adjust  something  that 
was  out  of  order,  two  or  three  of  the  young  natives 
had  the  curiosity  to  see  how  I  looked  when  I  was 
asleep  ;  they  climbed  up  into  the  engine,  and  ad- 
vanced very  softly  to  my  face  ;  one  of  them,  an  officer 
in  the  guards,  put  the  sharp  end  of  his  half-pike  a 
good  way  up  into  my  left  nostril,  which  tickled  my 
nose  like  a  straw,  and  made  me  sneeze  violently  ; 
whereupon  they  stole  off  unperceived,  and  it  was 
three  weeks  before  1  knew  the  cause  of  my  waking 
so  suddenly.  We  made  a  long  march  the  remaining 
part  of  the  day,  and  rested  at  night  with  five  hundred 
guards  on  each  side  of  me,  half  with  torches,  and  half 
with  bows  and  arrows,  ready  to  shoot  me  if  I  should 
offer  to  stir.  The  next  morning  at  sun-rise  we  con. 
tinued  our  march,  and  arrived  within  two  hundred 
yards  of  the  city  gates  about  noon.  The  emperor, 
nd  all  his  court,  came  out  to  meet  us,  but  his  great 

presence ;  and  Lord  Oxford,  who  had  shown  more  joy  In  pro 
claiming  the  king,  than  his  friends  thought  respectful  towards 
the  late  queen,  was  barely  admitted  in  the  crowd  to  kiss  the  king'a 
hand." — L<ard  J.  RusseWs  Affairs  of  Europe,  vol.  i.  p.  308. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILL1PUT.  99 

officers  would  by  no  means  suffer  his  majesty  to  en- 
danger his  person  by  mounting  on  my  body. 

At  the  place  where  the  carriage  stopped,  there  stood 
an  ancient  temple,  esteemed  to  be  the  largest  in  the 
kingdom ;  which,  having  been  polluted  some  years 
before  by  an  unnatural  murder,  was,  according  to  the 
zeal  of  those  people,  looked  upon  as  profane,  and 
therefore  had  been  applied  to  common  use,  and  all 
the  ornaments  and  furniture  carried  away.  In  this 
edifice  it  was  determined  I  should  lodge.  The  great 
gate  fronting  to  the  north  was  about  four  feet  high, 
and  almost  two  feet  wide,  through  which  I  could  easi- 
ly creep.  On  each  side  of  the  gate  was  a  small  win- 
dow, not  above  six  inches  from  the  ground  ;  into  that 
on  the  left  side  the  king's  smith  conveyed  fourscore 
and  eleven  chains,  like  thosn  that  hang  to  a  lady'a 
watch  in  Europe,  and  almost  as  large,  which  were 
locked  to  my  left  leg  with  six-and-thirty  padlocks. 
Over  against  this  temple,  on  the  other  side  of  the 
great  highway,  at  twenty  feet  distance,  there  was  a 
turret  at  least  five  feet  high.  Here  the  emperor  as- 
cended, with  many  principal  lords  of  his  court,  to 
have  an  opportunity  of  viewing  me,  as  I  was  told,  for 
I  could  not  see  them.  It  was  reckoned  that  above 
a  hundred  thousand  inhabitants  came  out  of  the  town 
upon  the  same  errand  ;  and  in  spite  of  my  guards,  I 
believe  there  could  not  be  fewer  than  ten  thousand  at 
several  times,  who  mounted  my  body  by  the  help  of 
ladders.  But  a  proclamation  was  soon  issued,  to  forbid 
it  upon  pain  of  death.  When  the  workmen  found  it 
was  impossible  for  me  to  break  loose,  they  cut  all  th«» 


100  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

strings  that  bound  me  ;  whereupon  I  rose  up,  with  as 
melancholy  a  disposition  as  ever  I  had  in  rny  life. 
But  the  noise  and  astonishment  of  the  people,  at  see- 
ing me  rise  and  walk,  are  not  to  be  expressed.  The 
chains  that  held  my  left  leg  were  about  two  yards  long, 
and  gaye  me  not  only  the  liberty  of  walking  back- 
wards  and  forwards  in  a  semicircle  ;  but,  being  fixed 
•vithin  four  inches  of  the  gate,  allowed  me  to  creen 
in,  and  lie  at  my  full  length  in  the  temple. 


CHAPTER  II. 

The  Emperor  of  Lilliput,  attended  by  several  of  the  nobility,  comes  to  tea  th* 
author  in  his  confinement.— The  Emperor's  person  anil  habit  described.— 
Learned  men  appointed  to  teach  the  author  their  language. — He  gains  favour 
by  his  mild  disposition.— His  pockets  are  searched,  and  his  sword  and  piste  Li 
taken  from  him. 

QUIETLY  as  I  had  endured  my  tedious  confinemen. 
to  one  posture,  it  was  with  great  pleasure  that  I  found 
myself  again  upon  my  feet :  I  looked  about  me,  and 
must  confess  that  I  never  beheld  a  more  entertain, 
ing  prospect.  The  country  around  appeared  like  a 
continued  garden,  and  the  enclosed  fields,  which  were 
generally  forty  feet  square,  resembled  so  many  beds 
of  flowers.  These  fields  were  intermingled  with  woods 
of  half  a  stang,1  and  the  tallest  trees,  as  I  could  judge, 
appeared  to  be  seven  feet  high.  I  viewed  the  town 
<m  my  left  hand,  which  looked  like  the  painted  scene 
,f  a  city  in  a  theatre. 

I  had  been  for  some  hours  extremely  Dressed  by 
the  necessities  of  nature  ;  which  was  no  wonder,  ^ 
being  almost  two  days  since  I  had  last  disburdened 
myself.  I  was  under  great  difficulties  between  ur- 
gency and  shame.  The  best  expedient  I  could  think 
on,  was  to  creep  into  my  house,  which  I  accordingly 
did,  and  shutting  the  gate  after  me,  I  went  as  far  as 

1  A  Btang  is  a  pole  or  perch  j  sixteen  feet  and  a  half. — Orlg 
9* 


102  GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 

the  length  of  my  chain  would  suffer,  and  discharged 
my  body  of  that  uneasy  load.  But  this  was  the  only 
time  I  was  ever  guilty  of  so  uncleanly  an  action  ;  for 
which  I  cannot  but  hope  the  candid  reader  will  give 
some  allowance,  after  he  has  maturely  and  impar- 
tially considered  my  case,  and  the  distress  I  was  in. 
From  this  time  my  constant  practice  was,  as  soon  aa 
I  rose,  to  perform  that  business  in  open  air,  at  the 
full  extent  of  my  chain  ;  and  due  care  was  taken 
every  morning,  before  company  came,  that  the  offen- 
sive matter  should  be  carried  off  in  wheelbarrows, 
by  two  servants  appointed  for  that  purpose.  I  would 
not  have  dwelt  so  long  upon  a  circumstance  that  per- 
haps at  first  sight  may  appear  not  very  momentous,  if 
I  had  not  thought  it  necessaiy  to  justify  my  character, 
in  point  of  cleanliness,  to  the  world  ;  which,  I  am  told, 
some  of  my  maligners  have  been  pleased,  upon  this 
and  other  occasions,  to  call  in  question. 

When  this  adventure  was  at  an  end,  I  came  back  out 
of  my  house,  having  occasion  for  fresh  air.  The  empe- 
ror was  already  descended  from  the  tower,  and  advanc- 
ing on  horseback  towards  me,  which  had  like  to  have 
cost  him  dear  ;  for  the  beast,  though  very  well  trained, 
yet  wholly  unused  to  such  a  sight,  which  appeared 
as  if  a  mountain  moved  before  him,  reared  up  on  his 
hinder  feet :  but  that  prince,  who  is  an  excellent 
horseman,  kept  his  seat,  till  his  attendants  ran  in,  and 
held  the  bridle,  while  his  majesty  had  time  to  dis- 
mount. When  he  alighted,  he  surveyed  me  round 
with  great  admiration  ;  but  kept  beyond  the  length 
Df  my  chain.  He  ordered  his  cooks  and  butlers,  who 
were  already  prepared,  to  give  me  victuals  and  drink, 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  103 

which  they  pushed  forward  in  a  sort  of  vehicles  upon 
wheels,  till  I  could  reach  them.  I  took  these  vehicles, 
and  soon  emptied  them  all :  twenty  of  them  were  filled 
with  meat,  and  ten  with  liquor  ;  each  of  the  former  af- 
forded me  two  or  three  good  mou'hfuls  ;  and  I  emptied 
the  liqour  of  ten  vessels,  which  was  contained  in  earth- 
en vials,  into  one  vehicle,  drinking  it  off  at  a  draught; 
and  so  I  did  with  the  rest.  The  empress  and  young 
princes  of  the  blood  of  both  sexes,  attended  by  many 
ladies,  sat  at  some  distance  in  their  chairs  :  but  upon 
the  accident  that  happened  to  the  emperor's  horse,  they 
alighted,  and  came  near  his  person,  which  I  am  now 
going  to  describe.  He  is  taller,  by  almost  the  breadth  of 
my  nail,  than  any  of  his  court ;  which  alone  is  enough 
to  strike  an  awe  into  the  beholders.  His  features  are 
strong  and  masculine,  with  an  Austrian  lip,  and  arched 
nose  ;  his  complexion  olive,  his  countenance  erect,  hi? 
body  and  limbs  well  proportioned,  all  his  motions  grace- 
ful, and  his  deportment  majestic.  He  was  then  past  his 
prime,  being  twenty-eight  years  and  three  quarters  old, 
of  which  he  had  reigned  about  seven  in  great  felicity, 
and  generally  victorious.1  For  the  better  convenience 

1  There  can  be  little  room  for  doubting  that  in  the  description 
of  the  emperor  of  Lilliput,  Swift  dimly  shadowed  forth  some 
leading  traits  in  the  character  of  George  I.  The  points  of  direct 
resemblance  however,  for  obvious  reasons,  are  very  few ;  it  is 
only  by  collecting  all  the  incidents  recorded  of  the  Lilliputian 
emperor,  that  we  find  out  his  general  similarity  to  the  first  mon- 
arch of  the  house  of  Brunswick.  The  following  account  of 
George  I.  will  enable  the  reader  to  discover  the  most  prominent 
points  of  identity  in  the  two  portraits.  "  George  I.  ascended  the 
English  throne  in  his  fifty-fifth  year,  when  men  are  usually  more 
disposed  to  acquiesce  in  the  settl  ;d  routine  than  venture  on  novel 
tad  perhaps  troublesome  experiments.  Moreover  the  natural 


104  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

of  beholding  him,  I  lay  on  my  side,  so  that  my  face  v,  a§ 
parallel  to  his,  and  he  stood  but  three  yards  off:  however, 
I  have  had  him  since  many  times  in  my  hand,  and  there- 
fore cannot  be  deceived  in  the  description.  His  dress 
was  very  plain  and  simple,  and  the  fashion  of  it  between 
the  Asiatic  and  the  European  ;  but  he  had  on  his  head 
a  light  helmet  of  gold,  adorned  with  jewels,  and  a  plume 
on  the  crest.  He  held  his  sword  drawn  in  his  hand 
to  defend  himself,  if  I  should  happen  to  break  loose  : 
it  was  almost  three  inches  long  ;  the  hilt  and  scab- 
bard  were  gold,  enriched  with  diamonds.  His  voice 
was  shrill,  but  very  clear  and  articulate  ;  and  I  could 
distinctly  hear  it  when  I  stood  up.  The  ladies  and 
courtiers  were  all  most  magnificently  clad  ;  so  that 
the  spot  they  stood  upon  seemed  to  resemble  a  petti- 
coat spread  on  the  ground,  embroidered  with  figures 
of  gold  and  silver.  His  imperial  majesty  spoke  often 
to  me,  and  I  returned  answers  :  but  neither  of  us 

disposition  and  understanding  of  the  king  were  not  of  a  kind,  at 
any  period  of  his  life,  to  carry  him  out  of  the  established  orbit. 
He  was  a  person  of  as  simple  tastes  as  appearance  ;  in  England 
he  was  a  stranger ;  his  home  being  Hanover.  He  naturally  in- 
clined to  the  seclusion  of  a  private  station,  being  shy  and  reserved 
in  public,  but  easy  and  facetious  among  his  intimates.  During 
the  fourteen  years  of  his  government  of  the  electorate,  he  had  ac- 
quired the  reputation  of  a  just  and  circumspect  prince,  who  wel 
understood  and  steadily  pursued  his  own  interests,  and  would 
have  been  well  content  to  end  his  days  in  the  petty  sovereignty 
of  hifi  ancestors,  had  not  the  ambition  of  others  been  greater  than 
his  own.  Punctual  in  business,  he  was  more  dull  than  indolent ; 
and  the  ,ilain  honesty  of  his  temper,  joined  with  the  narrow  no- 
tions of  a  low  education,  made  him  look  upon  his  acceptance  ot 
the  crown  as  an  act  of  usurpation,  which  was  always  uneasy  to 
him.  He  had  no  taste  for  literature  or  the  arts,  and  was  very 
parsimonious." — Wade's  British  History,  p.  334.  - 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT. 


105 


could  understand  a  syllable.  There  were  several  of 
his  priests  and  lawyers  present  (as  I  conjectured  by 
their  habits),  who  were  commanded  to  address  them- 
selves to  me ;  and  I  spoke  to  them  in  as  many  lan- 
guages as  I  had  the  least  smattering  of,  which  were 
High  and  Low  Dutch,  Latin,  French,  Spanish,  Italian, 
and  Lingua  Franca ;  but  all  to  no  purpose.  After 
about  two  hours  the  court  retired,  and  I  was  left  with 
a  strong  guard,  to  prevent  the  impertinence,  and  pro- 
bably the  malice  of  the'  rabble  ;  who  were  very  im- 
patient to  crowd  about  me  as  near  as  they  durst  ; 
and  some  of  them  had  the  impudence  to  shoot  their 
arrows  at  me,  as  I  sat  on  the  ground  by  the  door  of 
my  house,  whereof  one  very  narrowly  missed  my  left 
eve.  But  the  colonel  ordered  six  of  the  ringleaders 
to  be  seized,  and  thought  no  punishment  so  proper  aa 
tc  deliver  them  bound  into  my  hands  ;  which  some 


106  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

of  his  soldiers  accordingly  did,  pushing  them  forwards 
with  the  butt-ends  of  their  pikes  into  my  reach.  I 
took  them  all  in  my  right  hand,  put  five  of  them  into 
my  coat-pocket,  and  as  to  the  sixth,  I  made  a  coun- 
tenance as  if  I  would  eat  him  alive.  The  poor  man 
squalled  terribly,  and  the  colonel  and  his  officers  were 
in  much  pain,  especially  when  they  saw  me  take  out 
my  penknife  :  but  I  soon  put  them  out  of  fear ;  for, 
looking  m/ldly,  and  immediately  cutting  the  strings 
he  was  bound  with,  I  set  him  gently  on  the  ground 
and  away  he  ran.  I  treated  the  rest  in  the  same 
manner,  taking  them  one  by  one  out  of  my  pocket  ; 
and  I  observed  both  the  soldiers  and  people  were 
highly  delighted  at  this  mark  of  my  clemency,  which 
was  represented  very  much  to  my  advantage  at 
court.1 

Towards  night  I  got  with  some  difficulty  into  my 
house,  where  I  lay  on  the  ground,  and  continued  to 
do  so  about  a  fortnight ;  during  which  time,  the  em- 
peror  gave  orders  to  have  a  bed  prepared  for  me.  Six 
hundred  beds2  of  the  common  measure  were  brought 

1  Gulliver's  history  as  a  courtier  at  Lilliput,  is  obviously  de- 
signed to  represent  the  administration  of  Harley  and  Bolingbroke, 
at  the  close  of  Anne's  reign.     Whatever  were  the  other  demerits 
of  that  cabinet,  it  must  be  confessed  that  they  showed  more  ten- 
derness  to  the  party  by  which  they  were  opposed,  and  greater 
clemency  to  political  delinquents  than  their  successors.     Thia 
forbearance,  especially  in  the  case  of  libellers,  is  very  ingeniously 
intimated  by  Gulliver's  granting  pardon  to  the  malicious  archers 
Swift  used  frequently  to  remark  that  Anne  was  the  only  sovereign 
during  whose  entire  reign  no  one  suffered  the  penalties  of  high 
treason. 

2  Gulliver  has  observed  great  exactness  in  the  just  proportion 
and  appearance  of  the  objects  ;hus  lessened. — Orrery. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILL1PUT.  107 

in  carriages,  and  worked  up  in  my  house ;  a  hundred 
and  fifty  of  their  beds,  sewn  together,  made  up  the 
breadth  and  length  ;  and  these  were  four  double ; 
which,  however,  kept  me  but  very  indifferently  from 
the  hardness  of  the  floor,  that  was  of  smooth  stone. 
By  the  same  computation  they  provided  me  with 
sheets,  blankets,  and  coverlets,  tolerable  enough  for 
one  who  had  been  so  long  inured  to  hardships. 

As  the  news  of  my  arrival  spread  through  the 
kingdom,  it  brought  prodigous  numbers  of  rich,  idle, 
and  curious  people  to  see  me  ;  so  that  the  villages 
were  almost  emptied  ;  and  great  neglect  of  tillage  and 
household  affairs  must  have  ensued,  if  his  imperial 
majesty  had  not  provided  by  several  proclamations 
and  orders  of  state,  against  this  inconveniency.  He 
directed  that  those  who  had  already  beheld  me  should 
return  home,  and  not .  presume  to  come  within  fifty 
yards  of  my  house,  without  license  from  the  court ; 
whereby  the  secretaries  of  state  got  considerable  fees. 

In  the  meantime  the  emperor  held  frequent  coun- 
cils, to  debate  what  course  should  be  taken  with  me ; 
and  I  was  afterwards  assured  by  a  particular  friend, 
a  person  of  great  quality,  who  was  as  much  in  the 
secret  as  any,  that  the  court  was  under  many  difficul- 
ties concerning  me.  They  apprehended  my  breaking 
loose  ;  that  my  diet  would  be  very  expensive,  and 
might  cause  a  famine.1  Sometimes  they  determined 
to  stajve  me,  or  at  least  to  shoot  me  in  the  face  and 

1  The  oarsimony  of  George  I.  has  been  already  noticed ;  "  ava 
rice  was  so  predominant  in  him,  that  he  would  raise  no  tioopt 
to  Bucure  the  succession." — Wade's  British  History,  p.  334. 


\ 
108  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

hands  with  poisoned  arrows,  which  would  soon  di». 
patch  me  ;  but  again  they  considered,  that  the  stench 
of  so  large  a  carcass  might  produce  a  plague  in  the 
metropolis,  and  probably  spread  through  the  whole 
kingdom.  In  the  midst  of  these  consultations,  several 
officers  of  the  army  went  to  the  door  of  the  great  coun- 
cil-chamber, and  two  of  them  being  admitted,  gave  an 
account  of  my  behaviour  to  the  six  criminals  above- 
mentioned  ;  which  made  so  favourable  an  impression^ 
in  the  breast  of  his  majesty  and  the  whole  board,  in 
my  behalf,  that  an  imperial  commission  was  issued 
out,  obliging  all  the  villages,  nine  hundred  yards  round 
the  city,  to  deliver  in  every  morning  six  beeves,  forty 
sheep,  and  other  victuals  for  my  sustenance  ;  together 
with  a  proportionable  quantity  of  bread,  and  wine,  and 
other  liquors ;  for  the  due  payment  of  which,  his  majes- 
ty gave  assignments  upon  his  treasury  .  for  this  prince 
lives  chiefly  upon  his  own  demesnes  ;  seldom,  except 
upon  great  occasions,  raising  any  subsidies  upon  his 
subjects,  who  are  bound  to  attend  him  in  his  wars  at 
their  own  expense.  An  establishment  was  also  made  of 
six  hundred  persons  to  be  my  domestics,  who  had  board 
wages  allowed  for  their  maintenance,  and  tents  built  foi 
them  very  conveniently  on  each  side  of  my  door.  It 
was  likewise  ordered  that  three  hundred  tailors  should 
make  me  a  suit  of  clothes,  after  the  fashion  of  the  coun- 
try; that  six  of  his  majesty's  greatest  scholars  should 
be  employed  to  instruct  me  in  their  language  ;  and  last- 
ly, that  the  emperor's  horses,  and  those  of  the  nobility 
and  troops  of  guards,  should  be  frequently  exercised  in 
my  sight,  to  accustom  themselves  to  me.  All  these  or. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  10& 

ders  were  duly  put  in  execution  ;  and  in  about  three 
weeks  I  made  a  great  progress  in  learning  their  lar 
guage  :  during  which  time  the  emperor  frequently  hon- 
oured me  with  his  visits,  and  was  pleased  to  assist  my 
masters  in  teaching  me.  We  began  already  to  converse 
together  in  some  sort ;  and  the  first  words  I  learnt,  were 
to  express  my  desire  "  that  he  would  be  pleased  to  give 
me  my  liberty;"  which  I  every  day  repeated  on  rry 
knees.  His  answer,  as  I  could  apprehend  it,  was, 
"  that  this  must  be  a  work  of  time,  not  to  be  thought 
en  without  the  advice.of  his  council,  and  that  first 
must  lumos  kelminpesso  desmar  Ion  emposo  ;"  that  is, 
swear  a  peace  with  him  and  his  kingdom  :  however, 
that  I  should  be  used  with  all  kindness  ;  and  he  advised 
me  "  to  acquire,  by  my  patience  and  discreet  beha- 
viour, the  good  opinion  of  himself  and  his  subjects/' 
He  desired  "  I  would  not  take  it  ill,  if  he  gave  orders 
to  certain  proper  officers  to  search  me  j  for  probably  I 
might  carry  about  me  several  weapons,  which  must 
needs  be  dangerous  things,  if  they  answered  the  bulk 
of  so  prodigious  a  person."  I  said,  "  his  majesty 
should  be  satisfied ;  for  I  was  ready  to  strip  myself, 
and  turn  up  my  pockets  before  him."  This  I  deliver- 
ed, part  in  words,  and  part  in  signs.  He  replied,  "  that, 
by  the  laws  of  the  kingdom,  I  must  be  searched  by 
two  of  his  officers  ;  that  he  knew  this  could  not  be  done 
without  my  consent  and  assistance ;  and  he  had  so 
good  an  opinion  of  my  generosity  and  justice,  as  to 
trust  their  persons  in  my  hands ;  that  whatever  they 
took  from  me,  should  be  returned  when  I  left  the  coun. 
try,  or  paid  for  at  the  rate  which  I  would  set  upon 
10 


110  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

them."  I  took  up  the  two  officers  in  my  nands,  pui 
them  first  into  my  coat-pockets,  and  then  into  every 
jther  pocket  about  me,  except  my  two  fobs  and  another 
secret  pocket,  which  I  had  no  mind  should  be  search- 
ed,  wherein  I  had  some  little  necessaries  that  were  of 
no  consequence  to  any  but  myself.  In  one  of  my  fobs 
there  was  a  silver  watch,  and  in  the  other  a  small 
quantity  of  gold  in  a  purse.  These  gentlemen,  hav- 
ing pen,  ink,  and  paper  about  them,  made  an  exa*.t 
iiiventory  of  every  thing  they  saw  ;  and  when  they  had 
done,  desired  I  would  set  them  down,  that  they  might 
deliver  it  to  the  emperor.  This  inventory  I  afterwards 
translated  into  English,  and  is  word  for  word  as  fol- 
lows :' 

"Imprimis,  In  the  right  coat-pocket  of  the  great 
Man-mountain  (for  so  I  interpret  the  words  quinbus 
Jlestrin),  after  the  strictest  search,  we  found  only  one 
great  piece,  of  coarse  cloth,  large  enough  to  be  a  foot- 
cloth  for  your  majesty's  chief  room  of  state.  In  the 
left  pocket  we  saw  a  huge  silver  chest,  with  a  cover 
of  the  same  metal,  which  we,  the  searchers,  were  not 
able  to  lift.  We  desired  it  should  be  opened,  and  one 
jf  us  stepping  into  it,  found  himself  up  to  the  mil 
.eg  in  a  sort  of  dust,  some  part  whereof  flying  up  to 

1  This  inventory  is  designed  to  ridicule  the  reports  of  the  seve- 
ral committees  of  secrecy  appointed  by  Walpole  to  investigate 
the  presumed  designs  of  the  Jacobites,  and  especially  the  secret 
negotiations  said  to  be  connected  with  the  treaty  of  Utrecht.  It 
was  said  of  these  reports,  that  the  committees  "found  nothing 
suspicious  but  vhat  they  could  not  understand  :"  to  which  it 
was  added  that  "  as  they  understood  nothing,  they  suspected 
every  thing." 


A  V3YAGE  TO  LILLIPUT.  1H 

our  faces,  set  us  both  a-sneezing  for  several  times  to- 
gether. In  his  right  waistcoat-pocket  we  found  a 
prodigious  bundle  of  white  thin  substances,  folded  one 
over  another,  about  the  bigness  of  three  men,  tied  with 
a  stiong  cable,  and  marked  with  black  figures  ;  which 
we  humbly  conceive  to  be  writings,  every  letter  al- 
most half  as  large  as  the  palm  of  our  hands.  In  the 
left  there  was  a  sort  of  engine,  from  the  back  of  which 
were  extended  twenty  long  poles,  resembling  the  pali- 
sadoes  before  your  majesty's  court ;  w  herewith  we 
^conjecture  the  man-mountain  combs  his  head,  for  we 
did  not  always  trouble  him  with  questions,  because 
we  found  it  a  great  difficulty  to  make  him  understand 
us.  In  the  large  pocket,  on  the  right  side  of  his 
middle  cover  (so  I  translate  the  word  ranfu-lo,  by 
which  they  meant  my  breeches),  we  saw  a  hollow 
pillar  of  iron,  about  the  length  of  a  man,  fastened  to 
a  strong  piece  of  timber,  larger  than  the  pillar  ;  and 
upon  one  side  of  the  pillar  were  huge  pieces  of  iron 
sticking  out,  cut  into  strange  figures,  which  we  know 
not  what  to  make  of.  In  the  left  pocket  another  en- 
gine of  the  same  kind.  In  the  smaller  pocket  on  the 
right  side,  were  several  round  flat  pieces  of  white  and 
red  metal,  of  different  bulk  ;  some  of  the  white,  which 
seemed  to  be  silver,  were  so  large  and  heavy  that  my 
comrade  and  I  could  hardly  lift  them.  In  the  left 
pocket  were  two  black  pillars  irregularly  shaped  ;  we 
could  not,  without  difficulty,  reach  the  top  of  them,  as 
we  stood  at  the  bottom  of  his  pocket.  One  of  them 
was  covered,  and  seemed  all  of  a  piece  ;  but  at  the 
upper  end  of  the  other  there  appeared  a  white  round 


112  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

substance,  about  twice  the  bigness  of  our  heads, 
Within  each  of  these  was  enclosed  a  prodigious  plate 
of  steel ;  which,  by  our  orders,  we  obliged  him  to 
show  us,  because  we  apprehended  they  might  be  dan- 
gerous engines.  He  took  them  out  of  their  cases,  and 
told  us,  that  in  his  own  country  his  practice  was  to 
shave  his  beard  with  one  of  these,  and  cut  his  meat 
with  the  other.  There  were  two  pockets  which  we 
could  not  enter  ;  these  he  called  his  fobs  ;  they  were 
two  large  slits  cut  into  the  top  of  his  middle  cover, 
but  squeezed  close  by  the  pressure  of  his  belly.  Out 
of  the  right  fob  hung  a  great  silver  chain,  with  a 
wonderful  kind  of  engine  at  the  bottom.  We  directed 
him  to  drsw  out  whatever  was  at  the  end  of  that  chain, 
which  appeared  to  be  a  globe,  half  silver,  and  half 
of  some  transparent  metal  ;  for,  on  the  transparent 
side,  we  saw  certain  strange  figures  circularly  drawn, 
and  thought  that  we  could  touch  them,  till  we  found 
our  fingers  stopped  by  that  lucid  substance.  He  put  this 
engine  to  our  ears,  which  made  an  incessant  noise, 
like  that  of  a  water-mill :  and  we  conjecture  it  is 
either  some  unknown  an.mal,  or  the  god  that  he  wor- 
ships ;  but  we  are  more  inclined  to  the  latter  opinion, 
because  he  assured  us  (if  we  understood  him  right, 
for  he  expressed  himself  very  imperfectly)  that  he 
seldom  did  any  thing  without  consulting  it.  He  called 
it  his  oracle,  and  said  it  pointed  out  the  time  for  every 
action  of  his  life.  From  the  left  fob  he  took  out  a 
net  almost  large  enough  for  a  fisherman,  but  contrived 
to  open  and  shut  like  a  purse,  and  which'  served  him 
for  the  same  use  ;  we  found  therein  several  massy 


4.    VOYAGE   TO    LILLIPU1  113 

pieces  of  yellow  metal,  which,  if  they  be  real  gold, 
must  be  of  immense  value.  , 

"  Having  thus  in  obedience  to  your  majesty's  com. 
mands,  diligently  searched  all  his  pockets,  we  ob, 
served  a  girdle  about  his  waist,  made  of  the  hide  of 
some  prodigious  animal,  from  which,  on  the  left  side, 
hung  a  sword  of  the  length  of  five  men  ;  and  on  the 
right,  a  bag  or  pouch,  divided  into  two  cells,  each  cell 
vapable  of  holding  three  of  your  majesty's  subjects. 
.  n  one  of  these  cells  were  several  globes,  or  balls,  of 
a  most  ponderous  metal,  about  the  bigness  of  our 
heads,  and  required  a  strong  hand  to  lift  them  ;  the 
other  cell  contained  a  heap  of  certain  black  grains, 
but  of  no  great  bulk  or  weight,  for  we  could  hold 
above  fifty  of  them  in  the  palms  of  our  hands. 

"  This  is  an  exact  inventory  of  what  we  found 
about  the  body  of  the  man-mountain,  who  used  us 
with  great  civility,  and  due  nespect  to  your  majesty's 
commission.  Signed  and  sealed  on  the  fourth  day  of 
the  eighty-ninth  moon  of  your  majesty's  auspicious 

reign  : 

/?   >• 
retocn,  . 


Wher.  this  inventory  was  read  over  to  the  emperor, 
he  directed  me,  although  in  veiy  gentle  terms,  to  deliver 
up  the  several  particulars.1  He  first  called  for  my 


searches  made  by  the  whigs  in  the  houses  of  persont 
suspected  of  Jacobitism  and  Popery,  are   scarcely  cari«atured  in 
this  whimsical  account  of  the  examination  of  Gulliver's  pocket*. 
Sir  Walter  Scc*,t  has  given  a  similar  description  in  his  Peverilof 
10* 


114  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

scimitar,  which  I  took  out,  scabbard  and  all.  In  the 
meantime  he  ordered  three  thousand  of  his  choicest 
troops  (who  then  attended  him)  to  surround  me  at  a 
distance,  with  their  bows  and  arrows  just  ready  to  dis- 
charge; but  I  did  nof  observe  it,  for  mine  eyes  were 
wholly  fixed  upon  his  majesty.1  He  then  desired  me 
to  draw  my  scimitar,  which,  although  it  had  got  some 
rust  by  the  sea-water,  was,  in  most  parts,  exceeding 

the  Peak,  where  the  emissaries  of  the  House  of  Commons,  puz 
zled  by  the  ordinary  habits  of  life  in  the  higher  ranks,  were  dis- 
posed to  find  treason  in  a  laced  waistcoat,  and  Popery  in  a  hooped 
petticoat.  Writing  m  Ireland,  Swift  was  likely  to  find  an  ample 
supply  of  searchers  and  alarmists,  for  the  Cromwellian  settlers, 
deriving  their  title  to  their  estates  from  no  better  source  than  the 
English  suspicion  and  hatred  of  Popery,  were  anxious  to  keep 
alive  such  feelings;  and  catalogues  of  suspicious  articles,  even 
more  ludicrous  than  those  in  the  text,  may  be  found  in  the 
records  of  Dublin  Castle. 

One  of  the  objects  of  suspicion  in  those  days,  wearied  out  by 
constant  requisitions  to  surrender  his  fire  arms,  and  by  the  re- 
peated annoyances  which  he  had  experienced,  sent  his  poker, 
tongs  and  shovel  to  the  arsenal,  and  took  a  regular  receipt  for 
them  from  the  officer  in  command. 

1  There  is  exquisite  humour  in  these  formal  preparations  for 
security,  which  escaped  the  notice  of  the  persons  they  were  in- 
tended to  intimidate.  The  satire  is  directed  against  the  precau- 
tions taken  by  the  whig  ministers  on  receiving  information  of 
real  or  pretended  plots  of  the  Jacobites,  particularly  in  May,  1722, 
when  "orders  were  issued  to  all  mil: tary  officers  to  repair  to 
their  respective  commands.  General  Macartney  was  despatched 
to  Ireland,  to  bring  over  some  troops  into  the  west  of  England. 
Messengers  were  sent  to  Scotland  to  secure  some  suspected  per- 
sons ;  and  the  States  cf  Holland  were  directed  to  keep  in  readi- 
ness the  guarantee  troops,  to  be  sent  to  England  in  case  of  need." 
—  Wade,  369.  At  the  same  time  a  proclamation  was  issued, 
commanding  all  Papists  to  depart  from  London  and  Westminster' 
lind  for  confining  Papists  to  their  habitations. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILL1P17T.  .        115 

b»  ight.  I  did  so,  and  immediately  all  the  troops  gave 
a  v  hout  between  terror  and  surprise  ;  for  the  sun  shone 
clear,  and  the  reflection  dazzled  their  eyes,  as  I  waved 
the  scimitar  to  and  fro  in  my  hand.  His  majesty, 
who  io  a  most  magnanimous  prince,  was  less  daunted 
than  I  could  expect :  he  ordered  me  to  return  it  into 
the  scabbard,  and  cast  it  on  the  ground,  as  gently  as 
[  could,  about  six  feet  from  the  end  of  my  chain.  The 
next  thing  he  deman'ded  was  one  of  the  hollow  iron 
pillars  ;  by  which  he  meant  my  pocket  pistols.  I  drew 
it  out,  and  at  his  desire,  as  well  as  I  could,  expressed 
tc  him  the  use  of  it ;  and  charging  it  only  with  pow- 
der, which,  by  the  closeness  of  my  pouch  happened 
to  escape  wetting  in  the  sea  (an  inconvenience  against 
which  all  prudent  mariners  take  special  care  to  pro- 
vide), I  first  cautioned  the  emperor  not  to  be  afraid, 
and  then  I  let  it  off  in  the  air.  The  astonishment  here 
was  much  greater  than  at  sight  of  the  scimitar.  Hun- 
dreds fell  down  as  if  they  had  been  struck  dead ;  and 
even  the  emperor,  although  he  stood  his  ground,  could 
not  recover  himself  for  some  time. 

I  delivered  up  both  my  pistols  in  the  same  manner  as 
I  had  done  rny  scimitar,  and  then  my  pouch  of  powder 
and  bullets  ;  begging  him  that  the  former  might  be 
kept  from  fire,  for  it  would  kindle  with  the  smallest 
spark,  and  blow  up  his  imperial  palace  into  the  air. 
I  likewise  delivered  up  my  watch,  which  the  emperoi 
was  very  curious  to  see,  and  commanded  two  of  his 
tallest  yeomen  of  the  guards  to  bear  it  on  a  pole  upon 
their  shoulders,  as  draymen  in  England  do  a  barrel 
of  ale.  He  was  amazed  at  the  continual  noise  it 


116 


GULLIVER  S    TSAVELS. 


made,  and  the  motion  of  the  minute-hand,  which  he 
could  easily  discern  ;  for  their  sight  is  much  more 


acute  than  ours .  he  asked  the  opinions  of  his  learned 
men  about  it,  which  were  various  and  remote,  as  the 
reader  may  imagine  without  my  repeating  ;  although, 
indeed,  I  could  not  very  perfectly  understand  them. 
I  then  gave  up  my  silver  and  copper  money,  my  purse 
with  nine  large  pieces  of  gold,  and  some  smaller  ones  ; 
my  knife  and  razor,  my  comb  and  silver  snuff-box, 
my  handkerchief  and  journal-book.  My  scimitar, 
pistols,  and  pouch,  were  conveyed  in  carriages  to  his 
majesty's  stores  ;  but  the  rest  of  my  goods  were  re- 
turned me, 

I  had,  as  I  before  observed,  one  private  pocket, 
which  escaped  their  search,  wherein  there  was  a  pail 
of  spectacles  (which  1  sometimes  use  for  the  weak- 
ness of  mine  eyes),  a  pocket  perspective,  and  some 
other  little  conveniences  ;  which,  being  of  no  conse- 


A   VOTAGE   TO   LILLfiPUT.  117 

quence  to  the  emperor,  I  did  not  think  myself  bound 
tn  honour  to  discover,  and  I  apprehended  they  might 
be  lost  or  spoiled,  if  I  ventured  them  out  of  my  po»- 
session, 


CHAPTER  III. 

The  luthor  diverts  the  Emperor,  and  his  nobility  of  both  sexes,  in  a  very  uncom- 
mon manner— The  diversions  of  the  court  of  Lilliput  described— The  authof 
hat  his  liberty  granted  him  upon  certain  conditions. 

MY  gentleness  and  good  behaviour  had  gained  so 
far  on  the  emperor  and  his  court,  and  indeed  upon 
the  army  and  people  in  general,  that  I  began  to  con- 
ceive hopes  of  getting  my  liberty  in  a  short  time.  I 
took  all  possible  methods  to  cultivate  this  favourable 
disposition.  The  natives  came  by  degrees  to  be  less 
apprehensive  of  any  danger  from  me.  I  would  some- 
times lie  down,  and  let  five  or  six  of  them  dance  on 
my  hand  ;  and  at  last  the  boys  and  girls  would  ven- 
ture to  come  and  play  at  hide-and-seek  in  my  hair. 
I  had  now  made  a  good  progress  in  understanding  and 
speaking  the  language.  The  emperor  had  a  mind 
one  day  to  entertain  me  with  several  of  the  country 
shows,  wherein  they  exceeded  all  nations  I  have 
known,  both  for  dexterity  and  magnificence.  I  was 
diverted  with  none  so  much  as  that  of  the  rope-danc- 
ers, performed  upon  a  slender  white  thread,  extended 
about  two  feet,  and  twelve  inches  from  the  ground. 
Upon  which  I  shall  desire  liberty,  with  the  reader's 
patience,  to  enlarge  a  little. 

This  diversion  is  only  practised  by  those  persons 
wno  are  candidates  for  great  employments  and  high 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  110 

favour  at  court.  They  are  trained  in  this  art  from 
their  youth,  and  are  not  always  of  noble  birth,  or 
liberal  education.  When  a  great  office  is  vacant, 
either  by  death  or  disgrace  (which  often  happens), 
five  or  six  of  those  candidates  petition  the  emperor  to 
entertain  his  majesty  and  the  court  with  a  dance  on 
the  rope  ;  and  whoever  jumps  the  highest  without 
failing,  succeeds  in  the  office.  Very  often  the  chief 
ministers  themselves  are  commanded  to  show  their 
skill,  and  to  convince  the  emperor  that  they  have  not 
lost  their  faculty.  Flimnap,  the  treasurer,  is  allowed 
to  cut  a  caper  on  the  straight  rope,  at  least  an  inch 
higher  than  any  other  lord  in  the  whole  empire.  I 
have  seen  him  do  the  summerset1  several  times  to- 
gether upon  a  trencher  fixed  on  a  rope  which  is  no 
thicker  than  a  common  packthread  in  England.*  My 

1  Summerset  or  summersaull,  a  gambol  of  a  tumbler,  in  which 
he  springs  up,  turns  heels  over  head  in  the  air,  and  comes  down 
upon  his  feet. — Orig. 

8  Flimnap  is  intended  for  Sir  Robert  Walpole,  from  whom  Swift 
at  first  had  some  expectations  of  promotion  ;  when  these  were 
disappointed,  the  dean  became  the  bitter  enemy  of  the  minister, 
and  his  hatred  was  aggravated  by  the  zeal  with  which  Walpole 
persecuted  Swift's  great  favourites,  Lord  Bolingbroke  and  Dr. 
A'terbury,  bishop  of  Rochester.  In  an  epistle  to  the  poet  Gay, 
the  dean  gives  the  following  bitter  description  of  Walpole  • 

And  first  to  make  my  cbservation  right, 
1  place  a  statesman  full  before  my  sight, 
A  bloated  minister  in  all  his  geer, 
With  shameless  visage  and  perfidious  leer; 
Two  rows  of  teeth  arm  each  devouring  jaw, 
And  ostrich-like,  his  all-digesting  maw. 
My  fancy  drags  this  monster  to  my  view, 
To  show  the  world  his  chief  reverse  in  you. 


120  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

friend  Reldresal,  principal  secretary  for  private  af- 
fairs, is  in  my  opinion,  if  I  am  not  partial,  the  second 
after  the  treasurer  ;'  the  rest  of  the  great  officers  are 
much  upon  a  par. 

These  diversions  are  often  attended  with  fatal  acci« 
dents,  whereof  great  numbers  are  on  record.  I  myself 
have  seen  two  or  three  candidates  break  a  limb.  But 

Of  loud  unmeaning  sounds  a  rapid  flood 
Rolls  from  his  mouth  in  plenteous  streams  of  mud  j 
With  these,  the  court  and  senate-house  he  plies 
Made  up  of  noise,  and  impudence,  and  lies. 

And  again,  alluding  to  Walpole's  continuance  in  office  under 
George  II.,  and  Sir  Spencer  Compton's  refusal  to  form  an  ad- 
ministration. 

I  knew  a  brazen  minister  of  state, 

Who  bore  for  twice  ten  years  the  public  hate ; 

In  every  mouth,  the  question  most  in  vogue 

Was,  "  when  will  they  turn  out  this  odious  rogue  V 

A  juncture  happen'd,  in  his  highest  pride  : 

While  he  went  robbing  on,  old  master  died. 

We  thought  there  now  remained  no  room  to  d»ubt ; 

His  work  is  done,  the  minister  must  out. 

The  court  invited  more  than  one  or- two ; 

Will  you,  Sir  Spencer?  or  will  you?  or  you? 

But  not  a  soul  his  office  durst  accept ; 

The  subtle  knave  had  all  the  plunder  swept ; 

And  such  was  then  the  temper  of  the  times ; 

He  owed  his  preservation  to  his  crimes. 

The  candidates  observed  his  dirty  paws, 

Nor  found  it  difficult  to  guess  the  cause ; 

But  when  they  smelt  such  foul  corruptions  round  him, 

Away  they  fled,  and  left  him  as  they  found  him. 

1  Mr.  Secretary  Stanhope  was  most  probably  intended  by 
Reldresal;  he  supplanted  Walpole  in  1717,  and  adopted  a  mora 
temperate  and  conciliatory  course  towards  the  Tories  and  Jaco- 
bites, with  whom  Swift  was  connected. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    L1LLIPUT.  121 

the  danger  is  much  greater  when  the  ministers  them- 
selves  are  commanded  to  show  their  dexterity  !  for, 
by  contending  to  excel  themselves  and  their  fellows, 
they  strain  so  far  that  there  is  hardly  one  of  them  who 
has  not  received  a  fall,  and  some  of  them  two  or  three. 
I  was  assured  that,  a  year  or  two  before  my  arrival, 
Flimnap  would  infallibly  have  broke  his  nee!*,  if  one 
of  the  king's  cushions,  that  accidentally  lay  on  the 
ground,  had  not  weakened  the  force  of  his  fall.1 

There  is  likewise  another  diversion,  which  is  only 
shown  before  the  emperor  and  empress,  and  the  first 
minister,  upon  particular  occasions.  The  emperor 
lays  on  the  txble  three  fine  silken  threads  of  six 
inches  long;  one  is  blue,  the  other  red,  and  the  third 
green.  These  threads  are  proposed  as  prizes  for  those 
persons  whom  the  emperor  has  a  mind  to  distinguish 
by  a  peculiar  mark  of  his  favour.  The  ceremony 
is  performed  in  his  majesty's  great  chamber  of  state, 
where  the  candidates  are  to  undergo  a  trial  of  dexteri- 
ty, very  different  from  the  former,  and  such  as  I  have 
not  observed  the  least  resemblance  of  in  any  country 
of  the  new  or  old  world.  The  emperor  holds  a  stick 
in  his  hands,  both  ends  parallel  to  the  horizon,  while 

1  Walpole  was  compelled  to  resign  his  office  in  1717,  through 
the  intrigues  of  Lord  Sunderland  and  Mr.  Secretary  Stanhope, 
who,  following  the  king  to  Hanover,  sought  and  found  a  favour- 
able opportunity  of  supplanting  Walpole  and  Townshend  in  the 
royal  favour.  After  an  exclusion  of  four  years,  which  seemed 
politically  "  to  have  broken  his  neck,"  he  was  restored  by  hii 
interest  with  the  Duchess  of  Kendal,  the  favourite  mistress  of 
George  I.;  and  this  was  "the  king's  cushion  that  lay  accident- 
ally or,  the  ground,  and  weakened  the  force  of  the  fall." 

11 


122  GULLIVEfl's   TRAVELS. 

the  candidates  advancing,  one  by  one,  sometimes  leap 
over  the  stick,  sometimes  creep  under  it,  backward 
and  forward,  several  times,  according  as  the  stick  is 
advanced  or  depressed.  Sometimes  the  emperor  holds 
one  end  of  the  stick,  and  the  first  minister  the  other ; 
sometimes  the  minister  has  it  entirely  to  himself.  Who- 
ever  performs  his  part  with  the  most  agility,  and  holds 
out  the  longest  in  leaping  and  creeping,  is  rewarded 
with  the  blue  coloured  silk;  the  red  is  given  to  the 
next,  and  the  green  to  the  third, which  they  all  wear  girt 
twice  around  about  the  middle  ;  and  you  see  few  great 
persons  about  this  court  who  are  not  adorned  with  one 
of  these  girdles.1 

The  horses  of  the  army,  and  those  of  the  royal  sta- 
bles, having  been  daily  led  before  me,  were  no  longer 
shy,  but  would  come  up  to  my  very  feet  without  start- 
ing. The  riders  would  leap  them  over  my  hand,  as  I 
held  it  on  the  ground  ;  and  one  of  the  emperor's  hunts 
men,  upon  a  large  courser,  took  my  foot,  shoe  and  ail , 
which  was  indeed  a  prodigious  leap.  I  had  the  good 
fortune  to  divert  the  emperor  one  day  after  a  very  ex- 
traordinary manner.  I  desired  he  would  order  several 
sticks  of  two  feet  high,  and  the  thickness  of  an  ordina- 
ry cane,  to  be  brought  me  ;  whereupon  his  majesty 
commanded  the  master  of  his  woods  to  give  directions 

1  The  revival  of  the  Order  of  the  Bath  by  Sir  Robert  Walpole 
in  1726,  as  a  cheap  means  of  gratifying  his  political  adherents, 
was  fair  game  to  a  satirist  like  Swift.  Walpole  was  distinguished 
not  only  by  the  Order  of  the  Bath,  but  by  that  of  the  Garter, 
which  was  conferred  on  him  in  1726. — Coxe'a  Life  of  WolpoU. 

It  is  scarcely  necessary  to  mention,  that  blue  is  the  cognizance 
«f  the  Garter,  red  of  the  Bath,  and  green  of  the  Thistle. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  123 

accordingly  ;  and  the  next  morning  six  woodmen  ar- 
rived,  with  as  many  carriages,  drawn  by  eight  horses 
lo  each.  I  took  nine  of  these  sticks,  and  fixing  them 
firmly  in  the  ground  in  a  quadrangular  figure,  two  feet 
and  a  half  square,  I  took  four  other  sticks  and  tied 
them  parallel  at  each  corner,  about  two  feet  from  the 
ground ,  then  I  fastened  my  handkerchief  to  the  nine 
sticks  that  stood  erect ;  and  extended  it  on  all  sides, 
till  it  was  tight  as  the  top  of  a  drum;  and  the  four 
parallel  sticks,  rising  about  five  inches  higher  than 
the  handkerchief,  served  as  ledges  on  each  side.  When 
I  had  finished  my  work,  I  desired  the  emperor  to  let 
a  troop  of  the  best  horse,  twenty-four  in  number,  come 
and  exercise  upon  this  plain.  His  majesty  approved 
of  the  proposal,  and  I  took  them  up,  one  by  one,  in  my 
hands,  ready  mounted  and  armed,  with  the  proper 
officers  to  exercise  them.  As  soon  as  they  got  into 
order,  they  divided  into  two  parties,  performed  mock 
skirmishes,  discharged  blunt  arrows,  drew  their  swords, 
fled  and  pursued,  attacked  and  retired,  and  in  short, 
discovered  the  best  military  discipline  I  ever  beheld. 
The  parallel  sticks  secured  them  and  their  horses  from 
falling  over  the  stage  ;  and  the  emperor  was  so  much 
delighted,  that  he  ordered  this  entertainment  to  be  re- 
peated  several  days,  and  once  was  pleased  to  be  lifted 
up,  and  give  the  word  of  command ;  and,  with  great 
difficulty,  persuaded  even  the  empress  herself  to  let 
me  hold  her  in  her  close  chair  within  two  yards  of  the 
stage,  when  she  was  able  to  take  a  full  view  of  the 
whole  performance.  It  was  my  good  fortune,  that  no 
ill  accident  happened  in  these  entertainments ;  only 


124  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

once  a  fiery  horse,  that  belonged  to  one  of  the  captains, 
pawing  with  his  hoof,  struck  a  hole  in  my  handker. 
chief,  and  his  foot  slipping,  he  overthrew  his  rider  and 
himself;  but  I  immediately  relieved  them  both,  and 
covering  the  hole  with  one  hand,  I  set  down  the  troop 
with  the  other,  in  the  same  manner  as  I  took  them  up. 
The  horse  that  fell  was  strained  in  the  left  shoulder, 
but  the  rider  got  no  hurt ;  and  I  repaired  my  handker. 
chief  as  well  as  I  could  ;  however,  I  would  not  trust 
to  the  strength  of  it  any  more,  in  such  dangerous  en- 
terprises. 

Aboul  two  or  three  days  before  I  was  set  at  liberty^ 
as  I  was  entertaining  the  court  with  this  kind  of  feats, 
there  arrived  an  express  to  inform  his  majesty  that 
eome  of  his  subjects,  riding  near  the  place  where  I  was 
first  taken  up,  had  seen  a  great  black  substance  lying 
on  the  ground,  very  oddly  shaped,  extending  its  edges 
round,  as  wide  as  his  majesty's  bed-chamber,  and 
rising  up  in  the  middle  as  high  as  a  man  ;  that  it  was 
no  living  creature,  as  they  at  first  apprehended,  for 
it  lay  on  the  grass  without  motion,  and  some  of  them 
had  walked  round  it  several  times ;  that,  by  mounting 
upon  each  other's  shoulders,  they  had  got  to  the  top, 
which  was  flat  and  even,  and  stamping  upon  it,  they 
found  that  it  was  hollow  within ;  that  they  humbly 
conceived  it  might  be  something  belonging  to  the  man- 
mountain;  and  if  his  majesty  pleased,  they  would 
undertake  to  bring  it  with  only  five  horses.  I  present- 
ly knew  what  they  meant,  and  was  glad  at  heart  to 
receive  this  intelligence.  It  seems,  upon  my  first 
reaching  the  shore  after  our  shipwreck,  I  was  in  such 


A   VOYAGE   TO   LILLIPTTT.  125 

confusion,  that  before  I  came  to  the  place  where  I  went 
to  sleep,  my  hat,  which  I  had  fastened  with  a  string 
to  my  head  while  I  was  rowing,  and  had  stuck  on  all 
the  time  I  was  swimming,  fell  off  after  I  came  to  land  ; 
the  string,  as  I  conjecture,  breaking  by  some  accident, 
which  I  never  observed,  but  thought  my  hat  had  been 
lost  at  sea.  I  entreated  his  imperial  majesty  to  give 
orders  it  might  be  brought  to  me  as  soon  as  possible, 
describing  to  him  the  use  and  the  nature  of  it ;  and 
the  next  day  the  wagoners  arrived  with  it,  but  not  in  a 
very  good  condition ;  they  had  bored  two  holes  in  the 
brim,  within  an  inch  and  a  half  of  the  edge,  and  fast- 
ened two  hooks  in  the  holes  ;  these  hooks  were  tied  by 
a  long  cord  to  the  harness,  and  thus  my  hat  was  drag- 
ged  along  for  above  half  an  English  mile  ;  but  the 
ground  in  that  country  being  extremely  smooth  and 
level,  it  received  less  damage  than  I  expected. 

Two  days  after  this  adventure,  the  emperor,  having 
ordered  that  part  of  his  army  which  quarters  in  and 
about  his  metropolis,  to  be  in  readiness,  took  a  fancy 
of  diverting  himself  in  a  very  singular  manner.  He 
desired  I  would  stand  like  a  colossus,  with  my  legs  as 
far  asunder  as  I  conveniently  could.  He  then  command- 
ed his  general  (who  was  an  old  experienced  leader, 
and  a  great  patron  of  mine)  to  draw  up  the  troops  in 
close  oHer,  and  march  them  under  me ;  the  foot  by 
twenty-four  abreast,  and  the  horse  by  sixteen,  with 
drums  beating,  colours  flying,  and  pikes  advanced. 
This  body  consisted  of  three  thousand  foot,  and  a  thou- 
sand horse.  His  majesty  gave  orders,  upon  pain  of 
death,  that  every  soldier  in  his  march  should  observe 


126 


GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 


the  strictest  decency  with  regard  to  my  person  ;  which 
however,  could  not  prevent  some  of  the  younger  offi- 


cers from  turning  up  their  eyes,  as  they  passed  under 
me ;  and,  to  confess  the  truth,  my  breeches  were  at 
that  time  in  so  ill  a  condition,  that  they  afforded  some 
opportunities  for  laughter  and  admiration.1 

1  The  author  probably  intends  to  ridicule  the  partiality  of  George 
I.  for  reviews  and  military  pageantry,     Hogarth's  celebrated  pic- 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT.  127 

I  had  sent  so  many  memorials  and  petitions  for 
my  liberty  that  his  majesty  at  length  mentioned  the 
matter,  first  in  the  cabinet,  and  then  in  a  full  council ; 
where  it  was  opposed  by  none,  except  Skyresh  Bol- 
golam,  who  was  pleased,  without  any  provocation,  to 
be  my  mortal  enemy.2  But  it  was  carried  against  him 
by  the  whole  board,  and  confirmed  by  the  empeior. 
That  minister  \vasgalbet,  or  admiral  of  the  realm,  very 
much  in  his  master's  confidence,  and  a  person  well 
versed  in  affairs,  but  of  a  morose  and  sour  complexion. 
However,  he  was  at  length  persuaded  to  comply  ;  but 
prevailed  that  the  articles  and  conditions  upon  which 
I  should  be  set  free,  and  to  which  I  must  swear,  should 
be  drawn  up  by  himself.  These  articles  were  brought 
to  me  by  Skyresh  Bolgolam  in  person,  attended  by 

ture  of  the  "  March  of  the  Guards  to  Finchly,"  belongs  to  a 
much  later  period,  but  its  satiric  touches  would  probably  have 
been  as  applicable  in  the  reign  of  the  first  as  of  the  second  George. 
2  Skyresh  Bolgolam  is  most  probably  the  Duke  of  Argyle,  who 
was  greatly  incensed  at  Swift's  attacks  on  the  Scottish  nation, 
in  his  "  Public  Spirit  of  the  Whigs."  In  an  unfinished  poem  on 
himself,  tne  Dean  alludes  to  the  proclamation  offering  three  hun- 
dred pounds  for  the  discovery  of  the  author  of  this  pamphlet, 
which  was  issued  at  the  demand  rather  than  the  request  of  the 
Duke  of  Argyle;  he  conducted  all  the  Scotch  lords  in  a  body  to 
demand  an  audience  of  the  queen,  and  seek  reparation. 

The  queen  incensed,  his  services  forgot, 
Leaves  him  a  victim  to  the  vengeful  Scot; 
Now  through  the  realm  a  proclamation  spread, 
To  fix  a  price  on  his  devoted  head, 
While,  innocent,  he  scorns  ignoble  flight; 
His  watchful  friends  preserve  him  by  a  sleight. 

See  also  the  character  given  of  Argyll  in  Swift'a  notes  OB 
Macky— Appendix  to  Lilliput.  1. 


128  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

two  under-secretaries  and  several  persons  of  distlno 
tion.  After  they  were  read,  I  was  demanded  to  ?wea» 
to  the  performance  of  them  ;  first,  in  the  manner  of  my 
own  countiy,  and  afterward  in  the  method  prescribed  by 
their  laws ;  which  was,  to  hold  my  right  foot  in  my 
left  hand,  and  to  place  the  middle  finger  of  my  right 
hand  on  the  crown  of  my  head,  and  my  thumb  on  the 
tip  of  my  right  ear.  But,  because  the  reader  may  be 
curious  to  have  some  idea  of  the  style  and  manner  of 
expression  peculiar  to  that  people,  as  well  as  to  know 
the  articles  upon  which  I  recovered  my  liberty,  I  have 
made  a  translation  of  the  whole  instrument,  word  foi 
word,  as  near  as  I  was  able,  which  I  here  offer  to  the 
public.1 

GOLBASTO     MOMAREM     EvLAME      GuRDILO      SnEFIN 

MCLLY  ULLY  GDE,  most  mighty  emperor  of  Lilliput, 
delight  and  terror  of  the  universe,  whose  dominions  ex- 
tend five  thousand  blustrugs  (about  twelve  miles  in  cir- 
cumference) to  the  extremities  of  the  globe ;  monarch 
of  all  monarchs,  taller  than  the  song  of  men ;  whose 
feet  press  down  to  the  centre,  and  whose  head  strikes 
against  the  sun  ;  at  whose  nod  the  princes  of  the  earth 
shake  their  knees ;  pleasant  as  the  spring,  comfortable 
as  the  summer,  fruitful  as  autumn,  dreadful  as  winter. 
His  most  sublime  Majesty  proposes  to  the  Man-moun- 

In  his  description  of  Lilliput,  in  the  following  Article?,  Gul 
liver  seems  to  have  had  England  more  immediately  in  view.  In 
his  decription  ofBlefuscu,  he  seems  to  intend  the  people  and  king- 
dom of  France. — Orrery. 

It  is  perhaps  in  order  to  qualify  this  parallel  that  Swift  has 
changed  the  relative  description  of  the  two  countries,  and  made 
Lilliput  the  continent,  Blefuscu  the  island.— Sir  Walter  Scott. 


A   VOYAGE   TO    LILLIPUT.  129 

tain,  lately  arrived  at  our  celestial  dominions,  the  fol- 
lowing articles,  which,  by  a  solemn  oath,  he  shall  be 
obliged  to  perform : 

I.  The  Man-mountain  shall  not  depart  from  our  do 
minions,  without  our  license  under  our  great  seal. 

II.  He  shall  not  presume  to  come  into  our  metropolis 
without  our  express  order ;  at  which  time,  the  inhabit- 
ants  shall   have  two  hours'  warning  to   keep  within 
doors. 

III.  The  said  Man-mountain  shall  confine  his  walks 
to  our  principal  high  roads,  and  not  offer  to  walk  or  lie 
down  in  a  meadow  or  field  of  corn. 

IV.  As  he  walks  the  said  roads,  he  shall  take  the 
utmost  care  not  to  trample  upon  the  bodies  of  any  of 
our  loving  subjects,  their  horses  or  carriages,  nor  take 
any  of  our  subjects  into  his  hands  without  their  own 
consent 

V.  If  an  express  requires  extraordinary  dispatch,  the 
Man-mountain  shall  be  obliged  to  carry,  in  his  pocket, 
the  messenger  and  horse  a  six  days'  journey  once  in 
every  moon,  and  return  the  said  messenger  back  (if  so 
required)  safe  to  our  imperial  presence. 

VI.  He  shall  be  our  ally  against  our  enemies  in  the 
Island  of  Blefuscu,  and  do  his  utmost  to  destroy  their 
fleet,  which  is  now  preparing  to  invade  us. 

VII.  That  the  said  Man-mountain  shall,  at  his  time 
of  "leisure,  be  aiding  and  assisting  to  our  workmen,  in 


130  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

helping  to  raise  certain  great  stones,  towards  covering 
the  wall  of  the  principal  park,  and  other  our  royal 
buildings. 

VIII.  That  the  said  Man-mountain  shall  in  two 
moons'  time,  deliver  in  an  exact  survey  of  the  circum- 
ference of  our  dominions,  by  a  computation  of  his  own 
paces  round  the  coast. 

Lastly,  That,  upon  his  solemn  oath  to  observe  all  the 
above  articles,  the  said  Man-mountain  shall  have  a 
daily  allowance  of  meat  and  drink  sufficient  for  the 
support  of  1724  of  our  subjects,  with  free  access  to  our 
royal  person,  and  other  marks  of  our  favour.  Given  at 
our  palace  at  Belfaborac,  the  twelfth  day  of  the  ninety- 
first  moon  of  our  reign. 

I  swore  and  subscribed  to  these  articles  with  great 
cheerfulness  and  content,  although  some  of  them  were 
not  so  honourable  as  I  could  have  wished  ;  which 
proceeded  wholly  from  the  malice  of  Skyresh  Bolgo- 
lam,  the  high-admiral ;  whereupon  my  chains  were 
immediately  unlocked,  and  I  was  at  full  liberty. 
The  emperor  himself,  in  person,  did  me  the  honour 
to  be  by  at  the  whole  ceremony.  I  made  my  ac- 
knowledgments by  prostrating  myself  at  his  majes- 
ty's feet :  but  he  commanded  me  to  rise  ;  and  after 
many  gracious  expressions,  which  to  avoid  the  cen- 
sure of  vanity  I  shall  not  repeat,  he  added  "  that  he 
hoped  I  should  prove  a  useful  servant,  and  well  deserve 
all  the  favours  he  had  already  conferred  upon  me,  01 
might  do  for  the  future." 

The  reader  may  please  to  observe,  that  in  the  last 


A   VOYAGE    TO    ULLIPUT.  131 

article  of  the  recovery  of  my  liberty,  the  emperor 
stipulates  to  allow  me  a  quantity  of  meat  and  drink 
sufficient  for  the  support  of  1724  Lilliputians.  Some 
time  after,  asking  a  friend  at  court  how  they  came  to 
fix  on  that  determined  number,  he  told  me  that  his 
majesty's  mathematicians,  having  taken  the  height 
of  my  body  by  the  help  of  a  quadrant,  and  finding  it 
to  exceed  theirs  in  the  proportion  of  twelve  to  one, 
they  concluded  from  the  similarity  of  their  bodies,  that 
mine  must  contain  at  least  1724  of  theirs,  and  con- 
sequently would  require  as  much  food  as  was  necessary 
to  support  that  number  of  Lilliputians.  By  which  the 
reader  may  conceive  an  idea  of  the  ingenuity  of  that 
people,  as  well  a.-  the  prudent  and  exact  economy  of 
so  great  a  prince. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

Mi.dendo,  the  metropolis  of  Lillipnt,  described,  together  with  the  emperor'*  palae* 
— A  conversation  between  the  author  and  a  principal  secretary,  concerning  th« 
affairs  of  that  empire— The  author  offers  to  serve  the  emperor  in  his  wars. 

LIBERTY  having  been  granted  me,  my  first  request 
was  for  permission  to  see  Mildendo,  the  metropolis  ; 
which  the  emperor  readily  allowed  me,  but  with  a 
special  charge  to  do  no  hurt  either  to  the  inhabi- 
tants or  their  houses.  The  people  had  notice,  by 
proclamation,  of  my  design  to  visit  the  town.  The 
wall,  which  encompassed  it,  is  two  feet  and  a  half 
high,  and  at  least  eleven  inches  broad,  so  that  a  coach 
and  horses  may  be  driven  very  safely  round  it ;  and 
it  is  flanked  with  strong  towers  at  ten  feet  distance. 
I  stepped  over  the  great  western  gate,  and  passed  very 
gently  and  sidelong  through  the  two  principal  streets 
only  in  my  short  waistcoat,  for  fear  of  damaging  the 
roofs  and  eaves  of  the  houses  with  the  skirts  of  my  coat. 
I  walked  with  the  utmost  circumspection,  to  avoid 
treading  on  any  stragglers  who  might  remain  in  the 
streets  ;  although  the  orders  were  very  strict,  that  all 
people  should  keep  in  their  houses  at  their  own  peril. 
The  garret  windows  and  tops  of  houses  were  so 
crowded  with  spectators,  that  I  thought  in  all  my 
travels  I  had  not  seen  a  more  populous  place.  The 
city  is  an  exact  square,  each  side  of  the  wall  being 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  133 

five  hundred  feet  long.     Tho  two  great  streets,  which 
run  across  and  divide  it  into  four  quarters,  are  five 


feet  wide.  The  lanes  and  alleys,  which  I  could  not 
enter,  but  only  viewed  them  as  I  passed,  are  frcm 
twelve  to  eighteen  inches.  The  town  is  capable  of 
holding  five  hundred  thousand  souls:  the  houses  are 
from  three  to  five  stories  :  the  shops  and  markets  well 
provided. 

The  emperor's  palace  is  in  the  centre  of  the  city, 
where  the  two  great  streets  meet.  It  is  enclosed  by  a 
wall  of  two  feet  high,  and  twenty  feet  distance  from 
the  buildings.  I  had  his  majesty's  permission  to  step 
over  this  wall  ;  and  the  space  being  so  wide  between 
that  and  the  palace,  I  could  easily  view  it  on  every 
side.  The  outward  court  is  a  square  of  forty  feet, 
and  includes  two  other  courts  :  in  the  iamiwt  ar*  iha 
12 


134  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

royal  apartments,  which  I  was  very  desirous  to  see, 
but  found  it  extremely  difficult ;  for  the  great  gates, 
from  one  square  into  another,  were  bu  eighteen 
inches  high,  and  seven  inches  wide.  Now  the  build- 
ings  of  the  outer  court  were  at  least  five  feet  high, 
and  it  was  impossible  for  me  to  stride  over  them  with- 
out  infinite  damage  to  the  pile,  though  the  walls  were 
strongly  built  of  hewn  stone,  and  four  inches  thick. 
At  the  same  time  the  emperor  had  a  great  desire  that 
I  should  see  the  magnificence  of  his  palace  ;  but  this 
I  was  not  able  to  do  till  three  days  after,  which  I 
spent  in  cutting  down  with  my  knife  some  of  the 
largest  trees  in  the  royal  park,  about  a  hundred  yards 
distance  from  the  city.  Of  these  trees  I  made  two 
stools,  each  about  three  feet  high,  and  strong  enough 
to  bear  my  weight.  The  people  having  received 
notice  a  second  time,  I  went  again  through  the  city  to 
the  palace  with  my  two  stools  in  my  hands.  When 
I  came  to  the  side  of  the  outer  court,  I  stood  upon  one 
stool,  and  took  the  other  in  my  hand  ;  this  I  lifted 
over  the  roof,  and  gently  set  it  down  on  the  space 
between  the  first  and  second  court,  which  was  eight 
feet  wide.  I  then  stepped  over  the  building  very  con- 
veniently from  one  stool  to  the  other,  and  drew  up  the 
first  after  me  with  a  hooked  stick.  By  this  contri- 
vance I  got  into  the  inmost  court ;  and,  lying  down 
upon  my  side,  I  applied  my  face  to  the  windows  of 
the  middle  stories,  which  were  left  open  on  purpose, 
and  discovered  the  most  splendid  apartments  that  can 
be  imagined. 

There  I  saw  the  empress  and  the  young  princes,  in 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPOT.  135 

their  several  lodgings,  with  their  chief  alter  dants  about 
them.  Her  imperial  majesty  was  pleased  to  smile 
very  graciously  upon  me,  and  gave  me  out  of  the  win- 
dow her  hand  to  kiss.1 

But  I  shall  not  anticipate  the  reader  with  further 
descriptions  of  this  kind,  because  I  reserve  them  for  a 
greater  work,  which  is  now  almost  ready  for  the  press; 
containing  a  general  description  of  this  empire,  from 
its  first  erection,  through  a  long  series  of  princes  ;  with 
a  particular  account  of  their  wars  and  politics,  laws, 
learning  and  religion  ;  their  plants  and  animals ;  their 
peculiar  manners  and  customs,  with  other  matters 
very  curious  and  useful ;  my  chief  design  at  present 
being  only  to  relate  such  events  and  transactions  as 
happened  to  the  public  or  to  myself  during  a  residence 
of  about  nine  months  in  that  empire. 

One  morning,  about  a  fortnight  after  I  had  obtained 
my  liberty,  Reldresal,  principal  secretary  (as  they 
style  him)  for  private  affairs,  came  to  my  house  at- 
tended only  by  one  servant.  He  ordered  his  coach  to 
wait  at  a  distance,  and  desired  I  would  give  him  an 
hour's  audience  ;  which  I  readily  consented  to,  on  ac- 
count of  his  quality  and  personal  merits,  as  well  as 
of  the  many  good  offices  he  had  done  me  during  my 
solicitations  at  court.  I  offered  to  lie  down  that  he 
might  the  more  conveniently  reach  my  ear ;  but  he 
chose  rather  to  let  me  hold  him  in  my  hand  during  our 
conversation.  He  began  with  compliments  on  my 
liberty  ;  said  "  he  might  pretend  to  some  merit  in  it  j" 

1  The  character  of  the  empress  is  manifestly  taken  from  that 
of  Queen  Anne — good-natured,  but  easily  duped. 


136  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

but  however  added,  "  that  if  it  had  not  been  for  the 
present  situation  of  things  at  court,  perhaps  I  might 
not  have  obtained  it  so  soon.  For,"  said  he,  "  as  flour- 
ishing condition  as  we  may  appear  to  be  in  to  foreign- 
ers, we  labour  under  two  mighty  evils ;  a  violent  fac- 
tion at  home,  and  the  danger  of  an  invasion,  by  a  most 
potent  enemy,  from  abroad.  As  to  the  first,  you  are 
to  understand,  that  for  above  seventy  moons  past  there 
have  been  two  struggling  parties  in  this  empire,  under 
the  names  of  Tramecksan  and  Slamecksan,1  from  the 
high  and  low  heels  of  their  shoes,  by  which  they  dis- 
tinguish themselves.  It  is  alleged,  indeed,  that  the 
high-heels  are  most  agreeable  to  our  ancient  constitu- 
tion ;  but,  however  this  be,  his  majesty  has  determined 
to  make  use  only  of  low-heels  in  the  administration 
of  the  government,  and  all  offices  in  the  gift  of  the 
crown,  as  you  cannot  but  observe :  and  particularly 
that  his  majesty's  imperial  heels  are  lower  at  least  by 
a  drurr  than  any  of  his  court — {drurr  is  a  measure 
about  the  fourteenth  part  of  an  inch).  The  animosi- 
ties between  these  two  parties  run  so  high,  that  they 
will  neither  eat  nor  drink  nor  talk  with  each  other. 
We  compute  the  Tramecksan,  or  high-heels,  to  exceed 
us  in  number  ;  but  the  power  is  wholly  on  our  side. 
We  apprehend  his  imperial  highness,  the  heir  to  the 
crown,  to  have  some  tendency  towards  the  high-heels  ; 

*  High-church  and  Low-church,  or  Whig  and  Tory.  As  every 
accidental  difference  between  man  and  man  in  person  and  circum- 
stances is  by  this  work  rendered  extremely  contemptible ;  so  specu- 
lative differences  are  shown  to  be  equally  ridiculous,  when  the 
aeal  with  which  they  are  opposed  and  defended  tco  much  exceeds 
their  importance. — Hawksworth. 


A   VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  137 

at  least,  we  can  plainly  discover  that  one  of  his  heela 
is  higher  than  the  other,  which  gives  him  a  hobble  in 
his  gait.1  Now,  in  the  midst  of  these  intestine  dis- 
quiets, we  are  threatened  with  an  invasion  from  the 
island  of  Blefuscu,  which  is  the  other  great  empire  of 
the  universe,  almost  as  large  and  powerful  as  this  of  his 
majesty.  For  as  to  what  we  have  heard  you  affirm, 
that  there  are  other  kingdoms  and  states  in  the  world 
inhabited  by  human  creatures  as  large  as  yourself, 
our  philosophers  are  in  much  doubt,  and  would  rather 
conjecture  that  you  dropped  from  the  moon,  or  one  of 
the  stars;  because  it  is  certain  that  a  hundred  mortals 
of  your  bulk  would  in  a  short  time  destroy  all  the 
fruits  and  cattle  of  his  majesty's  dominions :  besides, 
our  histories  of  six  thousand  moons  make  no  mention 
of  any  other  regions  than  the  two  great  empires  of 
Lilliput  and  Blefuscu.  Which  two  mighty  powers 
have,  as  I  was  going  to  teH  you,  been  engaged  in  a 
most  obstinate  war  for  six-and-thirty  moons  past.  It 
began  upon  the  following  occasion  :  it  is  allowed  on 
all  hands,  that  the  primitive  way  of  breaking  eggs, 

1  George,  Prince  of  Wales,  afterwards  George  II.,  was  at  this 
time  vehement  in  his  hostility  to  his  father's  ministers  ;  like  all 
heirs-apparent  since  the  accession  of  the  house  of  Brunswick, 
he  chose  his  political  friends  among  the  parties  most  opposed  to 
the  court,  calling  around  him  both  the  discontented  whigs  and 
the  displeased  lories.  We  learn  from  a  letter  of  Mrs.  Howard, 
that  the  prince  was  greatly  amused  at  this  description  of  his  hob- 
bling between  the  two  political  parties.  On  his  accession  to  the 
throne,  which  took  place  shortly  after  the  publication  of  Gulliver, 
he  was  easily  induced  by  Queen  Caroline  to  continue  Sir  Robert 
Walpole  at  the  head  of  affairs  ;  an  unexpec'.?d  change,  which 
grcately  disappointed  Swift  and  his  friends. 
12* 


138  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

before  we  eat  them,  was  upon  the  larger  end  ;  but  hia 
present  majesty's  grandfather,  while  he  was  a  boy, 
going  to  eat  an  egg,  and  breaking  it  according  to  the 
ancient  practice,  happened  to  cut  one  of  his  fingers; 
whereupon  the  emperor,  his  father,  published  an  edict, 
commanding  all  his  subjects,  •  great  penalties,  to 
break  the  smaller  end  of  their  eggs.1  The  people  so 
highly  resented  this  law,  that  our  histories  tell  us,  there 
have  been  six  rebellions  raised  on  that  account ;  where- 
in one -emperor  lost  his  life,9  and  another  his  crown.1 
These  civil  commotions  were  constantly  fomented  by 
the  monarchs  of  Blefuscu  ;  and  when  they  were  quell- 
ed, the  exiles  always  fled  for  refuge  to  that  empire. 
It  is  computed  that  eleven  thousand  persons  have  at 
several  times  suffered  death,  rather  than  submit  to 
break  their  eggs  at  the  smaller  end.  Many  hundred 
large  volumes  have  been  published  upon  this  contro- 
versy :  but  the  books  of  the  Big-endians  have  been 
long  forbidden,  and  the  whole  party  rendered  incapable 
by  law  of  holding  employments.  During  the  course 
of  these  troubles,  the  emperors  of  Blefuscu  did  fre- 
quently expostulate  by  their  ambassadors,  accusing  us 
of  making  a  schism  in  religion  by  offending  against 
a  fundamental  doctrine  of  our  great  prophet  Lustrog, 
.in  the  fifty-fourth  Qhapter  of  the  Blundecral,  which  i-s 

1  The  controversy  respecting  the  sacraments  between  the  Ro- 
mish and  Anglican  churches  is  humorously  portrayed  in  the 
dispute  about  the  proper  end  of  breaking  the  egg.  The  emperor 
who  cut  his  fingers  is  manifestly  Henry  VIII.,  who  was  so  sadly 
perplexed  by  the  sacrament  of  marriage,  and  the  difficulty  of 
divorce. 

*  Charles  I.  3  James  II. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPTTT.  139 

their  Alcoran.  This,  however,  is  thought  to  be  a  mere 
strain  upon  the  text ;  for  the  words  are  these :  that 
all  true  believers  break  their  eggs  at  the  convenient 
end ;  and  which  is  the  convenient  end  seems,  in  my 
humble  opinion,  to  be  left  to  every  man's  conscience, 
or  at  least  in  the  power  of  the  chief  magistrate  to  de- 
termine.1 

"  Now,  the  Big-endian  exiles  have  found  so  much 
credjt  in  the  emperor  of  Blefuscu's  court,  and  so  much 
private  assistance  and  encouragement  from  their  party 
here  at  home,  that  a  bloody  war  has  been  carried  on 
between  the  two  empires  for  six-and-thirty  moons, 
with  various  success  ;  during  which  time  we  have 
lost  forty  capital  ships,  and  a  much  greater  number 
of  smaller  vessels,  together  with  thirty  thousand  of 
our  best  seamen  and  soldiers ;  and  the  damage  re- 
ceived by  the  enemy  is  reckoned  to  be  somewhat 
greater  than  ours.*  However,  they  have  now  equipped 

1  Swift  appears  to  intimate  that  the  great  point  at  issue  between 
the  Romish  and  English  churches,  the  sacrament  of  the  eucha- 
rist,  has  been  decided  too  positively  by  the  theologians  on  both 
sides ;  he  intimates  that  the  question  of  transubstantiation  should 
be  left  open  to  the  faith  of  the  receiver,  in  accordance  with  the  me- 
morable lines  of  Queen  Elizabeth. 

Christ  was  the  word  that  spake  it 
He  took  the  bread,  and  brake  it, 
And  what  that  word  did  make  it; 
That  I  believe  and  take  it. 

8  This  description  of  the  Big-endian  war  is  designed  for  the  wars 
of  the  revolution,  which  were  terminated  by  the  peace  of  Utrecht, 
and  the  enumeration  of  the  losses  and  slaughter  occasioned  by  the 
war  is  intended  to  vindicate  Harley  and  Bolingbroke  for  bringing 
it  to  a  conclusion. 


140  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

a  numerous  fleet,  and  are  just  preparing  to  make  a 
descent  upon  us  ;  and  his  imperial  majesty,  placing 
great  confidence  in  your  valour  and  strength,  has 
commanded  me  to  lay  this  account  of  his  affairs  be- 
fore you." 

I  desired  the  secretary  to  present  my  humble  duty 
to  the  emperor  ;  and  let  him  know,  "  that  I  thought 
it  would  not  become  me,  who  was  a  foreigner,  to  in- 
terfere with  parties ;  but  I  was  ready,  with  the 
hazard  of  my  life,  to  defend  his  person  and  state 
against  all  invaders."' 

1  Gulliver,  without  examining  the  subject  of  dispute,  readily 
engaged  to  defend  the  emperor  against  invasion  ;  because  he 
knew  that  no  such  monarch  had  a  right  to  invade  the  dominion! 
of  another,  for  the  propagation  of  truth. — Hawkswortk. 


CHAPTER  V. 

Th«  author,  by  an  extraordinary  stratagem,  prevents  an  invasion.—  4  high  title 
of  honour  is  conferred  upon  him.— Ambassadors  arrive  from  the  Emperor  tf 
Blefuscu,  and  sue  for  peace. — The  Empress's  apartments  on  fire  \sj  accident  ( 
the  author  instrumental  in  saving  the  rest  of  the  palace- 

LILLIPUT  is  part  of  the  continent,  but  the  empire  of 
Biefuscu  is  an  island  situated  to  the  north-east  of  the 
mainland,  from  which  it  is  parted  only  by  a  channel 
of  eight  hundred  yards  wide.  I  h&d  not  yet  seen  it, 
and  upon  this  notice  of  an  intended  invasion,  I  avoided 
appearing  on  that  side  of  the  coast,  for  fear  of  being 
discovered  by  some  of  the  enemy's  ships,  who  had  re- 
ceived no  intelligence  of  me  ;  all  intercourse  between 
the  two  empires  having  been  strictly  forbidden  during 
the  war,  upon  pain  of  death,  and  an  embargo  laid  by 
our  emperor  upon  all  vessels  whatsoever.  I  com- 
municated to  his  majesty  a  project  I  had  formed  of 
sei/.ing  the  enemy's  whole  fleet ;  which,  as  our  scouts 
assured  us,  lay  at  anchor  in  the  harbour,  ready  to 
sail  with  the  first  fair  wind.  I  consulted  the  most 
experienced  seamen  upon  the  depth  of  the  channel, 
which  they  had  often  plumbed  ;  who  told  me,  that 
in  the  middle,  at  high  water,  it  was  seventy  glum- 
gluffs  deep,  which  is  about  six  feet  of  European  mea- 
sure ;  and  the  rest  of  it  fifty  glumgluffs  at  most.  I 
walked  towards  the  north-east 'coast,  over  against  Ble- 


142 


GULLIVE/l  S    TRAVELS. 


fuscu  ;  where,  lying  down  behind  a  hillock,  I  look  out 
my  small  perspective  glass  and  viewed  the  enemy's 
fleet  at  anchor,  consisting  of  about  fifty  men-of-war, 
and  a  great  number  of  transports  :  I  then  came  back 
to  my  house,  and  gave  orders  (for  which  I  had  a  war- 
rant)  for  a  great  quantity  of  the  strongest  cable 
and  bars  of  iron.  The  cable  was  about  as  thick  as 
packthread,  and  the  bars  of  the  length  and  size  of  a 
knitting-needle.  I  trebled  the  cable  to  make  it  strong- 
er, and  for  the  same  reason,  I  twisted  three  of  the  iron 
bars  together,  bending  the  extremities  into  a  hook. 
Having  thus  fixed  fifty  hooks  to  as  many  cables,  I 
went  back  to  the  north-east  coast,  and  putting  off  my 
coat,  shoes,  and  stockings,  walked  into  the  sea  in  my 
leathern  jerkin,  about  half  an  hour  before  high  water. 
I  waded  with  what  haste  I  could,  and  swam  in  the 
middle  abont  thirty  yards,  till  I  felt  ground.  I  ar- 


rived at  the  fleet  in  less  than  half  an  hour.  The 
enemy  was  so  frighted  when  they  saw  me,  that  they 
leaped  out  of  their  ships,  and  swam  to  shore,  where 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  143 

there  could  not  be  feWer  than  thirty  thousand  souls : 
I  then  took  my  tackling,  and  fastening  a  hook  to  the 
hole  at  the  prow  of  each,  I  tied  all  the  cords  together 
at  the  end.  While  1  was  thus  employed,  the  enemy 
discharged  several  thousand  arrows,  many  of  which 
stuck  in  my  hands  and  face  ;  and,  besides  the  exces- 
sive smart,  gave  me  much  disturbance  in  my  work. 
My  greatest  apprehension  was  for  mine  eyes,  which 
I  should  have  infallibly  lost,  if  I  had  not  suddenly 
thought  of  an  expedient.  I  kept,  among  other  little 
necessaries,  a  pair  of  spectacles  in  a  private  pocket, 
which,  as  I  observed  before,  had  escaped  the  emperor's 
searchers.  These  I  took  out  and  fastened  as  strong- 
ly as  I  could  upon  my  nose,  and  thus  armed,  went  on 
boldly  with  my  work,  in  spite  of  the  enemy's  arrows, 
many  of  which  struck  against  the  glasses  of  my  spec- 
tacles, but  without  any  other  effect,  farther  than  a  little 
to  discompose  them.  I  had  now  fastened  all  the  hooks, 
and  taking  the  knot  in  my  hand,  began  to  pull  ;  but 
not  a  ship  would  stir,  for  they  were  all  too  fast  held  by 
their  anchors,  so  that  the  boldest  part  of  my  enterprise 
remained.  I  therefore  let  go  the  cord,  and  leaving 
the  hooks  fixed  to  the  ships,  I  resolutely  cut  with  my 
knife  the  cables  that  fastened  the  anchors,  receiving 
about  two  hundred  arrows  in  my  face  and  hands  ; 
then  I  took  up  the  knotted  end  of  the  cables,  to  which 
my  hooks  were  tied,  and  with  great  ease  drew  fifty  of 
the  enemey's  largest  men-of-war  after  me. 

The  Blefuscudians,  who  had  not  the  least  imagina- 
tion of  what  I  intended,  were  at  first  confounded  with 
astonishment.  They  had  seen  me  cut  the  cables,  and 


144  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

thought  my  design  was  only  to  let  the  ships  ran  adrift, 
or  fall  foul  on  each  other ;  but  when  they  perceived 
the  whole  fleet  moving  in  order,  and  saw  me  pulling 
at  the  end,  they  set  up  such  a  scream  of  grief  and 
despair  as  it  is  almost  impossible  to  describe  or  con- 
ceive.1 When  I  had  got  out  of  danger,  I  stopped 
awhile  to  pick  out  the  arrows  that  stuck  in  my  hands 
and  face  ;  and  rubbed  on  some  of  the  same  ointment 
that  was  given  me  at  my  first  arrival,  as  I  have  for- 
merly mentioned.  I  then  took  off  my  spectacles,  and 
waiting  about  an  hour  till  the  tide  was  a  little  fallen, 
I  waded  through  the  middle  with  my  cargo,  and  ar- 
rived safe  at  the  royal  port  of  Lilliput. 

The  emperor  and  his  whole  court  stood  on  the  shore, 
expecting  the  issue  of  this  great  adventure.  They  saw 
ihe  ships  move  forward  in  a  large  half-moon,  but  could 
not  discern  me,  who  was  up  to  my  breast  in  water. 
When  I  advanced  to  the  middle  of  the  channel,  they 
were  yet  more  in  pain,  because  I  was  under  water  to 
my  neck.  The  emperor  concluded  me  to  be  drown- 
ed, nad  that  the  enemy's  fleet  was  approaching  in  a 
hostile  manner ;  but  he  was  soon  eased  of  his  fears ; 
for  the  channel  growing  shallower  every  step  I  made, 
I  came  in  a  short  time  within  hearing,  and  holding  up 
the  end  of  the  cable,  by  which  the  fleet  was  fastened, 
I  cried,  in  a  loud  voice,  "  Long  live  the  most  puis- 
sant king  of  Lilliput !"  This  great  prince  received 

1  The  capture  of  the  Blefuscudian  fleet  is  intended  to  represent 
the  efforts  made  by  the  tory  ministry  to  secure  the  naval  supre- 
macy of  England  in  the  negotiations  at  Utrecht,  and  particularly 
their  success  in  procuring  the  demolition  of  Dunkirk,  and  tht 
cession  of  several  French  colunits. 


A    VOY1G.E    TO    LILLIPUT.  145 

me  at  my  landing  with  all  possible  encomiums,  and 
created  me  a  nardac  upon  the  spot,  which  is  the  high- 
est  title  of  honour  among  them.1 

His  majesty  desired  I  would  take  some  other  oppor- 
tunity of  bringing  all  the  rest  of  his  enemy's  ships 
into  his  ports.  And  so  unmeasurable  is  the  ambition 
of  princes,  that  he  seemed  to  think  of  nothing  less 

1  The  treaty  at  Utrecht  was  at  first  very  popular  with  the  Eng- 
lish people  ;  and  it  was  regarded  by  Queen  Arinc  as  a  blessing 
to  England  and  to  Europe.  The  promised  demolition  of  Dunkirk, 
and  its  surrender  as  a  guarantee  to  General  Hill,  were  regarded 
not  only  by  the  court,  but  by  the  nation,  as  an  advantage  scarcely 
inferior  to  what  the  capture  of  the  Blefuscudian  fleet  would  hava 
been  to  the  emperor  of  Lilliput.  Swift  wrote  a  song  on- the  event, 
which  was  very  popular.  The  following  are  the  concluding 
stanzas : — 

Our  merchant  ships  may  cut  the  line, 

And  not  be  snapt  by  privateers  ; 
And  commoners  who  love  good  wine, 
Will  drink  it  now  as  well  as  peers  ; 

Landed  men  shall  have  their  rent, 

Yet  our  stocks  rise  cent,  per  cent. ; 
The  Dutch  from  hence  shall  no  more  millions  drain ; 

We'll  bring  on  us  no  more  debts, 

Nor  with  bankrupts  fill  gazettes  ; 
And  the  queen  shall  enjoy  her  own  again. 

The  towns  we  took  ne'°"  did  us  good  : 
What  signified  the  Fi-ft^ch  to  beat  1 
We  spent  our  money  and  our  blood 
To  make  the  Dutchmen  proud  aad  great: 
But  the  lord  of  Oxford  swears 
Dunkirk  never  shall  be  theirs  y. 
The  Dutch-hearted  whigs  may  rail  and  complaint 
But  true  Englishmen  may  fill 
A  health  to  General  Hill, 
For  the  queen  now  enjoys  her  own  again. 
13 


146  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

than  reducing  the  whole  empire  of  Blefuscu  into  & 
province,  and  governing  it  by  a  viceroy ;  of  destroy, 
ing  the  Big-endian  exiles,  and  compelling  that  people 
to  break  the  smaller  end  of  their  eggs,  by  which  he 
would  remain  the  sole  monarch  of  the  whole  world. 
But  I  endeavoured  to  divert  him  from  this  design,  by 
many  arguments  drawn  from  the  topics  of  policy  as 
well  as  justice  ;  and  I  plainly  protested,  "that  I  would 
never  be  an  instrument  of  bringing  a  free  and  brave 
people  into  slavery  j"  and  when  the  matter  was  de- 
bated in  council,  the  wisest  part  of  the  ministry  were 
of  my  opinion.1 

This  open,  bold  declaration  of  mine,  was  so  oppo- 
site to  the  schemes  and  politics  of  his  imperial  majesty, 
that  he  C9uld  never  forgive  me.  He  mentioned  it  in 
a  very  artful  manner  at  council,  were  I  was  told  that 
some  of  the  wisest  appeared  at  least,  by  their  silence, 
to  be  of  my  opinion  ;  but  others,  who  were  my  secret 
enemies,  could  not  forbear  some  expressions  which 
by  a  side-wind  reflected  on  me  ;  and  from  this  time 
began  an  intrigue  between  his  majesty,  and  a  junto  of 
ministers,  maliciously  bent  against  me,  which  broke 

»  The  conquest  of  France  was  seriously  believed  feasible  by 
many  friends  of  the  Duke  of  Marlborough  ;  but  when  the  siege 
of  such  a  petty  fortress  as  Bouchain  occ.ipied  the  greater  part 
of  one  campaign,  the  best  English  statesmen  saw  there  was  lit- 
ile  chance  of  such  a  consummation.  Mesnager,  if  the  memoirs 
published  in  his  name  be  not  a  forgery,  declares  that  the  lories 
used  to  annoy  the  whigs  by  asking  "  How  long  will  it  take  to 
conquer  France  at  the  rate  of  a  Bouchain  per  summer  7"  In  tho 
debates  on  the  treaty  of  Utrecht  (A.  D.  1713),  the  advocates  for 
peace  had  decidedly  the  best  of  the  argument,  so  that  Guiliver  is 
Qualified  in  saying  that  (i  the  wisest  were  of  his  opinion." 


A'   VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  147 

out  in  less  than  two  months,  and  had  like  to  have 
ended  in  my  utter  destruction.  Of  so  little  weight 
are  the  greatest  services  to  princes,  when  put  into  the 
balance  with  a  refusal  to  gratify  their  passions. 

About  three  weeks  after  this  exploit,  there  arrived 
a  solemn  embassy  from  Blefuscu,  with  humble  offers 
of  a  peace ;  which  was  soon  concluded,  upon  condi- 
tions very  advantageous  to  our  emperor,  wherewith  I 
shall  not  trouble  the  reader.  There  were  six  ambas- 
sadors with  a  train  of  about  five  hundred  persons  :  and 
their  entry  was  very  magnificent,  suitable  to  the  gran- 
deur of  their  master,  and  the  importance  of  their 
business.  When  their  treaty  was  finished,  wherein  I 
did  them  several  good  offices  by  the  credit  I  now  had, 
or  at  least  appeared  to  have,  at  court,  their  excellen- 
cies, who  were  privately  told  how  much  I  had  been 
their  friend,  made  me  a  visit  in  form.  They  began 
with  many  compliments  upon  my  valour  and  generosi- 
ty, invited  me  to  that  kingdom  in  the  emperor  their 
master's  name,  and  desired  me  to  show  them  some 
proofs  of  my  prodigious  strength,  of  which  they  had 
heard  so  many  wonders  ;  wherein  I  readily  obliged 
them,  but  shall  not  trouble  the  reader  with  the  partic- 
ulars. 

When  I  had  for  some  time  entertained  their  excel- 
lencies, to  their  infinite  satisfaction  and  surprise,  I 
desired  they  would  do  me  the  honour  to  present  my 
most  humble  respects  to  the  emperor  their  master,  the 
renown  of  whose  virtues  had  so  justly  filled  the  whole 
world  with  admiration,  and  whose  royal  person  I  re- 
solved  to  attend  before  I  returned  to  my  own  country. 


148  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

Accordingly,  the  next  time  I  had  the  honour  to  see 
our  emperor,  I  desired  his  general  license  to  wait  on 
the  Blefuscudian  monarch,  which  he  was  pleased  to 
grant  me,  as  I  could  perceive,  in  a  very  cold  manner  , 
but  could  not  guess  the  reason,  till  I  had  a  whisper 
from  a  certain  person,  "  that  Flimnap  and  Bolgolan 
had  represented  my  intercourse  with  those  ambassa- 
dors  as  a  mark  of  disaffection  ;"  from  which  I  am 
sure  my  heart  was  wholly  free.  And  this  was  the 
first  time  [  began  to  conceive  some  imperfect  idea  of 
courts  and  ministers.1 

It  is  to  be  observed,  that  these  ambassadors  spoke  to 
me  by  an  interpreter,  the  languages  of  both  empires 
differing  as  much  from  each  other  as  any  two  in  Eu- 
rope, and  each  nation  priding  itself  upon  the  antiquity, 
beauty,  and  energy  of  their  own  tongue,  with  an 
avowed  contempt  for  that  of  their  neighbour  :  yet  our 
emperor,  standing  upon  the  advantage  he  had  got  by 
the  seizure  of  their  fleet,  obliged  them  to  deliver  their 
credentials,  and  make  their  speech,  in  the  Lilliputian 
tongue.  And  it  must  be  confessed,  that  from  the  great 
intercourse  of  trade  and  commerce  between  both 
realms,  from  the  continual  reception  of  exiles  which 
is  mutual  among  them,  and  from  the  custom,  in  each 

1  The  charge  raised  against  Gulliver  for  his  innocent  intercourse 
with  the  ambassadors  from  Blefuscu  alludes  to  the  chief  accu- 
sation brought  against  Bolingbroke  (A.  D.  1715),  which  was  his 
treasonable  intimacy  with  the  French  ministers  during  the  nego- 
tiations of  the  peace  at  Utrecht.  Bolingbroke's  journey  to  France 
to  negotiate  a  separate  peace,  and  his  clandestine  intercourse  with 
the  agents  of  Louis,  were,  however,  of  such  a  suspicious  nature^ 
that  he  did  not  think  it  prudent  to  wait  for  his  trial. 


A.    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPITT.  149 

empire,  to  send  their  young  nobility  and  richer  gentry 
to  the  other,  in  order  to  polish  themselves  by  seeing 
the  world,  and  understanding  men  and  manners ;  there 
are  few  persons  of  distinction,  or  merchants,  or  seamen, 
who  dwell  in  the  maritime  parts,  but  what  can  hold 
conversation  in  both  tongues ;  as  I  found  some  weeks 
after,  when  I  went  to  pay  my  respects  to  the  emperor 
of  Blefuscu,  which,  in  the  midst  of  great  misfortunes, 
through  the  malice  of  my  enemies,  proved  a  very  hap. 
py  adventure  to  me,  as  I  shall  relate  in  its  proper 
place. 

The  reader  may  remember,  that  when  I  signed  thost 
articles  upon  which  I  recovered  my  liberty,  there  were 
some  which  I  disliked,  upon  account  of  their  being 
too  servile  ;  neither  could  any  thing  but  an  extreme 
necessity  have  forced  me  to  submit.  But  being  now 
a  nordac  of  the  highest  rank  in  that  empire,  such 
offices  were  looked  upon  as  below  my  dignity,  and  the 
emperor  (to  do  him  justice)  never  once  mentioned  them 
to  me.  However,  it  was  not  long  before  I  had  an 
opportunity  of  doing  his  majesty,  at  least  as  I  then 
thought,  a  most  signal  service.  I  was  alarmed  at 
midnight  with  the  cries  of  many  hundred  people  at 
my  door  ;  by  which,  being  suddenly  awaked,  I  was  in 
sjme  kind  of  terror.  I  heard  the  word  burglum  re. 
peated  incessantly  :  several  of  the  emperor's  court, 
making  their  way  t.irough  the  crowd,  entreated  me  to 
come  immediately  to  the  palace,  where  her  imperial 
majesty's  apartment  was  on  fire,  by  the  carelessness 
of  a  maid  of  honour,  who  fell  asleep  while  she  wag 
reading  a  romance.  I  got  up  in  an  instant ;  and  or- 
13* 


150  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

ders  being  given  to  clear  the  way  before  me,  and  ft 
being  likewise  a  moonshine  night,  I  made  a  shift  to  get 
to  the  palace  without  trampling  on  any  of  the  people. 
I  found  they  had  already  applied  ladders  to  the  walla 
of  the  apartment,  and  were  well  provided  with  buck 
ets,  but  the  water  was  at  some  distance.  These  buckets 
were  about  the  size  of  a  large  thimble,  and  the  poor  peo- 
ple supplied  me  with  them  as  fast  as  they  could  ;  but  tho 
flame  was  so  violent  that  they  did  little  good.  I  might 
easily  have  stifled  it  with  my  coat,  which  I  unfortu- 
nately left  behind  me  for  haste,  agd  came  away  only 
in  my  leathern  jerkin.  The  case  seemed  wholly  des- 
perate and  deplorable  j  and  this  magnificent  palace 
would  have  infallibly  been  burnt  down  to  the  ground, 
if,  by  a  presence  of  mind  unusual  to  me,  I  had  not 
suddenly  thought  of  an  expedient.  I  had  the  evening 
before  drunk  plentifully  of  a  most  delicious  wine  call- 
ed glimigrim  (the  Blefuscudians  call  it  flunec),  but 
ours  is  esteemed  the  better  -sort,  which  is  very  diure- 
tic. By  the  luckiest  chance  in  the  world,  I  had  not 
discharged  myself  of  any  part  of  it.  The  heat  I  had 
contracted  by  coming  very  near  the  flames,  and  by 
labouring  to  quench  them,  made  the  wine  begin  to 
operate  by  urine,  which  I  voided  in  such  a  quantity, 
and  applied  so  well  to  the  proper  places,  that  in  three 
minutes  the  fire  was  wholly  extinguished,  and  the  rest 
of  that  noble  pile,  which  .had  cost  so  many  ages  in 
erecting,  preserved  from  destruction. 

It  was  now  daylight,  and  I  returned  to  my  house 
without  waiting  to  congratulate  with  the  emperor ;  be. 
cause  although  I  had  done  a  very  eminent  piece  of 


A   VOYAGE   TO   LILLIPUT.  151 

service,  yet  I  could  not  tell  how  his  majesty  might 
resent  the  manner  by  which  I  had  performed  it :  for  by 
the  fundamental  laws  of  the  realm,  it  is  capital  in  any 
person,  of  what  quality  soever,  to  make  water  within 
the  precincts  of  the  palace.  But  I  was  a  little  com- 
forted  by  a  message  from  his  majesty,  "  that  he  would 
give  orders  to  the  grand  justiciary  for  passing  my 
pardon  in  form  ;"  which  however,  I  could  not  obtain  ; 
and  I  was  privately  assured,  that  the  empress,  con- 
ceiving the  greatest  abhorrence  of  what  I  had  done, 
removed  to  the  most  distant  side  of  the  court,  firmly 
resolved  that  those  buildings  should  never  be  repaired 
for  her  use ;  and,  in  the  presence  of  her  chief  con- 
fidents, could  not  forbear  vowing  revenge.1 

1  Swift,  in  this  description  of  the  empress's  hostility  on  account 
of  his  indecency,  and  her  forgetfulness  of  the  essential  service 
which  he  had  rendered,  alludes  to  the  prejudices  of  Q.ueen  Anne, 
Who  was  more  indignant  at  the  immorality  of  his  writings  than 
grateful  for  his  support  of  her  favourite  ministry.  The  Queen 
had  actually  nominated  Swift  to  an  English  Bishopric,  when  Dr. 
Sharp,  archbishop  of  York,  went  to  the  Queen,  showed  her  the 
"Tale  of  a  Tub,"  and  declared  that  the  author  of  such  a  work 
could  not  be  made  a  prelate  without  bringing  disgrace  on  the 
church.  Hence  Swift,  in  the  lines  on  himself,  complains  that 
be  is 

By  an  old  — • pursued, 

A  crazy  prelate  and  a  royal  prude. 
And  again. 

York  is  from  Lambeth  sent  to  show  the  queen 
A  dangerous  treatise  writ  against  the  spleen, 
Which,  by  the  style,  the  matter,  and  the  drift, 
'T  is  thought  could  be  the  work  of  none  but  Swift. 

The  Archbishop  was  eagerly  seconded  by  the  Duchess  of  Som- 
erset, whom  Swift  had  bitterly  lampooned.  The  Queen  could 
never  afterwards  be  persuaded  to  revoke  her  determination,  and 
Swift  thenceforth  always  sooke  of  her  in  terms  of  contempt. 


CHAPTER  VI.1 

K  the  inhabitants  of  Lillipnt ;  their  learning,  laws,  and  custom*  ;  tne  manect 
of  educating  their  children.— The  author's  way  of  living  j>  that  ^untry.— HM 
vindication  of  a  great  lady. 

QUARRELS  and  intrigues  are  so  common  in  courts, 
.hat  I  need  not  dwell  on  the  calumnies  devised  by  the 
envious  to  prejudice  the  mind  of  the  empress  still 
further  against  me,  and  I  shall  therefore  turn  to  a 
different  subject.  Although  I  intend  to  leave  the  de- 
scription of  this  empire  to  a  particular  treatise,  yet, 
in  the  mean  time,  I  am  content  to  gratify  the  curious 
reader  with  some  general  ideas.  As  the  common  size 
of  the  natives  is  somewhat  under  six  inches  high,  so 
there  is  an  exact  proportion  in  all  other  animals,  as 
well  as  plants  and  trees;  for  instance,  the  tallest 
horses  and  oxen  are  between  four  and  five  inches  in 
height,  the  sheep  an  inch  and  half,  more  or  less  ;  their 
geese  about  the  bigness  of  a  sparrow,  and  so  the  sev- 
eral gradations  downwards,  till  you  come  to  the  small. 

1  In  a  German  critique  on  Gulliver's  Travels,  this  chapter 
has  been  rather  severely  censured,  because  the  author  has  ne- 
glected to  give  any  particulars  of  the  Lilliputian  climate  and  its 
effects ;  a  source  from  which  the  review  avers,  that  many  cir- 
cumstances might  have  been  deduced  which  would  give  an  ad- 
ditional plausibility  to  the  narrative.  It  must  be  observed, 
however,  in  Swift's  justification,  that  this  neglect  of  observing 
climate  and  its  peculiarities  is  common  to  all  the  early  narratives 
of  voyagers,  and  also  that  for  the  purposes  of  his  satire  it  was 
necessary  to  identify  the  Lilliputian  climate  with  that  of  Eng« 
land. 


VOYAGE   TO   LILLIPTTT.  153 

est,  which,  to  my  sight  were  almost  invisible  ;  but 
nature  has  adapted  the  eyes  of  the  Lilliputians  to  all 
objects  proper  for  their  view  j-  they  see  with  great 
exactness,  but  at  no  great  distance.  A.nd  to  show 
the  sharpness  of  their  sight  towards  objects  that  are 
near,  I  have  been  much  pleased  with  a  cook  pulling 
a  lark,  which  was  not  so  large  as  a  common  fly  ;  and 
a  young  girl  threading  an  invisible  needle  with  invisi- 
ble silk. 

Their  tallest  trees  are  about  seven  feet  high  ,  I 
mean  some  of  those  in  the  great  royal  park,  the  tops 
whereof  I  could  but  just  reach  with  my  fist  clenched. 
The  other  vegetables  are  in  the  same  proportion  ;  but 
this  I  leave  to  the  reader's  imagination. 

*  rhall  say  but  little  at  present  of  their  learning, 
which  for  many  ages  has  flourished  in  all  its  branchpi 
among  them  ;  but  their  manner  of  writing  is  very 
peculiar,  being  neither  from  the  left  to  the  right,  like 
the  Europeans  ; 

tsmnwtawe  /    tSM&>m/uwa<v4e  • 
nor  from  the  right  to  the  left,  like  the  Arabians  ; 
cV-SX=p     ( 


4>x*% 
nor  from  up  to  down,  like  the  Chinese  j 


w. 


ft. 


154  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

but  aslant,  from  one  corner  of  the  paper  tc  the  other, 
like  ladies  in  England. 

They  bury  their  dead  with  their  heads  directly 
downward,  because  they  hold  an  opinion  that  in  eleven 
thousand  moons  they  are  all  to  rise  again  ;  in  which 
period  the  earth  (which  they  conceive  to  be  flat)  will 
turn  upside  down,  and  by  this  means  they  shall,  at 
their  resurrection,  be  found  ready  standing  on  their 
feet.  The  learned  among  them  confess  the  absurdity 
of  this  doctrine ;  but  the  practice  still  continues,  in 
compliance  to  the  vulgar. 

There  are  some  laws  and  customs  in  this  empire 
very  peculiar ;  and  if  they  were  not  so  directly  con- 
trary  to  those  of  my  own  dear  country,  I  should  be 
tempted  to  say  a  little  in  their  justification.  It  is  only 
to  be  wished  they  were  as  well  executed.  The  first 
I  shall  mention,  relates  to  informers.  All  crimes 
against  the  state  are  punished  here  with  the  utmost 
severity ;  but  if  the  person  accused  makes  his  inno- 
cence plainly  to  appear  upon  his  trial,  the  accuser  is 
immediately  put  to  an  ignominious  death  ;  and  out  of 
his  goods  or  lands  the  innocent  person  is  quadruply 
recompensed  for  the  loss  of  his  time,  for  the  danger  he 
underwent,  for  the  hardship  of  his  imprisonment,  and 
for  all  the  charges  he  has  been  at  in  making  his  de- 
fence ;  or,  if  that  fund  be  deficient,  it  is  largely  sup- 
plied by  the  crown.  The  emperor  also  confers  on 
him  some  public  mark  of  his  favour,  and  proclama- 
tion is  n.ade  of  his  innocence  through  the  whole  city. 

They  look  upon  fraud  as  a  greater  crime  than 
theft,  and  therefore  seldom  fail  to  punish  it  with 


A   VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  15ft 

death  ;  for  they  allege,  that  care  and  vigilance,  with 
a  very  common  understanding,  may  preserve  a  man's 
goods  from  thieves,  but  honesty  has  no  fence  against 
superior  cunning  ;  and  since  it  is  necessary  thai  there 
should  be  a  perpetual  intercourse  of  buying  and  sell 
ing,  and  dealing  upon  credit,  where  fraud  is  permitted 
and  connived  at,  or  has  no  law  to  punish  it,  the  honest 
dealer  is  always  undone,  and  the  knave  gets  the  ad- 
vantage. I  remember,  when  I  was  once  interceding 
with  the  king  for  a  criminal  who  had  wronged  his 
master  of  a  great  sum  of  money,  which  he  receiveu 
by  order,  and  ran  away  with  ;  and  happening  to  tell 
his  majesty  by  way  of  extenuation,  that  it  was  only  a 
breach  of  trust,  the  emperor  thought  it  monstrous  in 
me  to  offer  as  a  defence  the  greatest  aggravation  of 
the  crime ;  and  truly  I  had  little  to  say  in  return, 
farther  than  the  common  answer,  that  different  nations 
h?i  different  customs;  for,  I  confess  I  was  heartily 
ashamed.1 

Although  we  call  re  wards  and  punishments  the  two 
hinges  upon  which  all  government  turns,  yet  I  could 
never  observe  this  maxim  to  be  put  in  practice  by  any 
nation,  except  that  of  Lilliput.  Whoever  can  there 
bring  sufficient  proof  that  he  has  strictly  observed  the 
laws  of  his  country  for  seventy-three  moons,  has  a 
claim  to  certain  privileges,  according  to  his  quality 
and  condition  of  life,  with  a  proportionable  sum  of 
money  out  of  a  fund  appropriated  for  that  use ;  he 
likewise  acquires  the  title  of  snilpatt,  or  legal,  which 

1  An  act  of  parliament  has  since  been  passed,  by  which  soma 
breaches  of  trust  have  been  made  capital. — Orig. 


156  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

is  added  to  his  name,  but  does  not  descend  to  his  pos 
terity.  And  these  people  thought  it  a  prodigous  defect 
of  policy  among  us  wlrun  I  told  them  that  our  laws 
were  enforced  only  by  penalties,  without  any  mention 
of  reward.  It  is  upon  this  account  that  the  image  of 
Justice,  in  their  courts  of  judicature,  is  formed  with 
six  eyes,  two  before,  as  many  behind,  and  on  each 
side  one,  to  signify  circumspection  •  with  a  bag  of 
gold  open  in  her  right  hand,  and  a  sword  sheathed  in 
her  left,  to  show  that  she  is  more  disposed  to  reward 
than  to  punish. 

In  choosing  persons  for  all  employments,  they  have 
more  regard  to  good  morajs  than  to  great  abilities ; 
for,  since  government  is  necessary  to  mankind,  they 
believe  that  the  common  size  of  human  understand, 
ing  is  fitted  to  some  station  or  other  ;  and  that  Provi- 
dence never  intended  to  make  the  management  of 
public  affairs  a  mystery  to  be  comprehended  only  by 
a  few  persons  of  sublime  genius,  of  which  there  sel- 
dom are  three  born  in  an  age  :  but  they  suppose  truth, 
justice,  temperance,  and  the  like,  to  be  in  every  man's 
power ;  the  practice  of  which  virtues,  assisted  by  ex- 
perience and  a  good  intention,  would  qualify  any  man 
for  the  service  of  his  country,  except  where  a  course 
of  study  is  required.  But  they  thought  the  want  of 
moral  virtues  was  so  fa  •  from  being  supplied  by  supe- 
rior endowments  of  the  mind,  that  employments  could 
never  be  put  into  such  dangerous  hands  as  those  of  per. 
sons  so  qualified  ;  and  at  least,  that  the  mistakes  commit. 
ted  by  ignorance,  in  a  virtuous  disposition,  would  never 
be  of  sucj  fatal  consequence  to  the  public  weal,  aa 


A    V,  ITAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  151 

the  practices  of  a  man  whose  inclinations  led  him  t« 
be  corrupt,  and  who  had  great  abilities  to  manage,  tf 
multiply,  and  defend  his  corruptions. 

In  like  manner,  the  disbelief  of  a  Divine  Providenc« 
renders  a  man  incapable  of  holding  any  public  sta 
tion  ;  for  since  kings  avow  themselves  to  be  the  depu 
ties  of  Providence,  the  Lilliputians  think  nothing  can 
be  more  absurd  than  for  a  prince  to  employ  such  men 
as  disown  the  authority  under  which  he  acts. 

In  relating  these  and  the  following  laws,  I  would 
only  be  understood  to  mean  the  original  institutions, 
and  not  the  most  scandalous  corruptions,  into  which 
ihese  people  are  fallen  by  the  degenerate  nature  of  man. 
For,  as  to  that  infamous  practice  of  acquiring  great 
employments  by  dancing  on  ropes,  or  badges  of  favour 
and  distinction  by  leaping  over  sticks  and  creeping 
under  them,  the  reader  is  to  observe  that  they  were 
first  introduced  by  the  grandfather  of  the  emperor 
now  reigning,  and  grew  to  the  present  height  by  the 
gradual  increase  of  party  and  faction.1 

Ingratitude  is  among  them  a  capital  crime,  as  we 
read  it  to  have  been  in  some  other  countries  :  for  they 
reason  thus ;  that  whoever  makes  ill  returns  to  his 
benefactor,  must  needs  be  a  common  enemy  to  the 
rest  of  mankind,  from  whom  he  has  received  no  obli- 
gation, and  therefore  such  a  man  is  not  fit  to  live. 

Their  notions  relating  to  the  duties  of  parents  and 
children,  differ  extremely  from  ours.  For  since  the 
conjunction  of  male  and  female  is  founded  upon  the 

lThe  author  alludes  to  the  prostitution  of  honours,  and  the  la- 
riah  distribvtion  of  titles,  in  the  reign  of  James  I. 
14 


158  GULL     ER'S    TRAVELS. 

great  law  of  nature,  in  order  to  propagate  and  continue 
the  species,  the  Lilliputians  will  needs  have  it,  that  men 
and  women  are  joined  together,  like  other  animals,  by 
the  motives  of  concupiscence;  and  that  their  tender, 
ness  towards  their  young  proceeds  from  the  like  natu- 
ral principle ;  for  which  reason  they  will  never  allow 
that  a  child  is  under  any  obligation  to  his  father  for 
begetting  him,  or  to  his  mother  for  bringing  him  into 
the  world  ;  which,  considering  the  miseries  of  human 
life,  was  neither  a  benefit  in  itself,  nor  intended  so  by 
his  parents,  whose  thoughts,  in  their  love  encounters, 
were  otherwise  employed.1  Upon  these,  and  the  like 
reasonings,  their  opinion  is,  that  parents  are  the  last  of 
all  others  to  be  trusted  with  the  education  of  their  own 
children  ;  and  therefore  they  have  in  every  town  pub- 
lic nurseries,  where  all  parents,  except  cottagers  and 
labourers,  are  obliged  to  send  their  infants  of  both 
sexes  to  be  reared  and  educated,  when  they  come  to 
the  age  of  twenty  moons,  at  which  time  they  are  sup- 
posed  to  have  some  rudiments  of  docility.  These 
schools  are  of  several  kinds,  suited  to  different  quali- 
ties, and  both  sexes.  They  have  certain  professors 
well  skilled  in  preparing  children  for  such  a  condi- 
tion of  life  as  befits  the  rank  of  their  parents,  and  their 
own  capacities,  as  well  as  inclinations.  I  shall  first  say 
something  of  the  male  nurseries,  and  then  of  the  female. 
The  nurseries  for  males  of  noble  or  eminent  birth, 

1  Sir  Walter  Scott  is  of  opinion  that  this  idea  is  borrowed  from 
Cyrano  Bergerac's  Voyage  to  the  Moon,  where  he  finds  a  people 
with  whom  it  was  the  rule  that  parents  should  obey  their  chil- 
dren. 


A.  VOYAGE  TO  LILL1PUT.  159 

are  provided  with  grave  and  learned  professors,  and 
their  several  deputies.  The  clothes  and  food  of  the 
children  are  plain  and  simple.  They  are  bred  up  in 
the  principles  of  honour,  justice,  courage,  modesty, 
clemency,  religion,  and  love  of  their  country ;  they 
are  always  employed  in  some  business,  except  in  the 
limes  of  eating  and  sleeping,  which  are  very  short, 
and  two  hours  for  diversions,  consisting  of  bodily  ex- 
ercises.  They  are  dressed  by  men  till  four  years  of 
age,  and  then  are  obliged  to  dress  themselves,  although 
their  quality  be  ever  so  great  ;  and  the  women  attend- 
ants, who  are  aged  proportionably  to-  ours  at  fifty, 
perform  only  the  most  menial  offices.  They  are  never 
suffered  to  converse  with  servants,  but  go  together,  in 
smaller  or  greater  numbers,  to  take  their  diversions, 
and  always  in  the  presence  of  a  professor,  or  one  of 
his  deputies  ;  whereby  they  avoid  those  early  bad  im- 
pressions of  folly  and  vice,  to  which  our  children  are 
subject.  Their  parents  are  suffered  to  see  them  only 
twice  a  year  ;  the  visit  is  to  last  but  an  hour ;  they 
are  allowed  to  kiss  the  child  at  meeting  and  parting  ; 
but  a  professor  who  always  stands  by  on  those  occa- 
sions, will  not  suffer  them  to  whisper,  or  use  any  fond- 
ling expressions,  or  bring  any  presents  of  toys,  sweet 
meats,  and  the  like. 

The  pension  from  each  family  for  the  education 
and  entertainment  of  a  child,  upon  failure  of  due  pay- 
ment, is  levied  by  the  emperor's  officers. 

The  nurseries  for  children  of  ordinary  gentlemen, 
merchants,  traders,  and  handicrafts,  are  managed  pro- 
portionably  after  the  same  manner ;  only  those  de- 


160  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

signed  for  trades  are  put  out  apprentices  at  eleven 
years  old  :  whereas  those  of  persons  of  quality  con- 
tinue in  their  exercises  till  fifteen,  which  answers  to 
twenty-one  with  us  ;  but  the  confinement  is  gradually 
lessened  for  the  last  three  years 

In  the  female  nurseries,  the  young  girls  of  quality 
are  educated  much  like  the  males,  only  they  are 
dressed  by  orderly  servants  of  their  own  sex  ;  but 
always  in  the  presence  of  a  professor  or  deputy,  till 
they  come  to  dress  themselves,  which  is  at  five  years 
old.  And  if  it  be  found  that  these  nurses  ever  pre- 
sume to  entertain  the  girls  with  frightful  or  foolish 
stories,  or  the  common  follies  practised  by  chamber, 
maids  among  us,  they  are  publicly  whipped  thrice 
about  the  city,  imprisoned  for  a  year,  and  banished 
for  life  to  the  most  desolate  part  of  the  country. 
Thus  the  young  ladies  there  are  as  much  ashamed  of 
being  cowards  and  fools  as  the  men,  and  despise  all 
personal  ornaments,  beyond  decency  and  cleanliness  : 
neither  did  I  perceive  any  difference  in  their  edu- 
cation made  by  their  difference  of  sex,  only  that 
the  exercises  of  the  females  were  not  altogether 
so  robust ;  and  that  some  rules  were  given  them 
relating  to  domestic  life,  and  a  smaller  compass  of 
learning  was  enjoined  them :  for  their  maxim  is,  that 
among  people  of  quality,  a  wife  should  be  always  a 
reasonable  and  agreeable  companion,  because  she 
cannot  always  he  young.  When  the  girls  are  twelve, 
years  old,  which  among  them  is  the  marriageable 
age,  their  parents  or  guardians  take  them  home,  with 
great  expressions  of  g.'atituds  to  th?  professors,  and 


A    VOYAGE   TO    LILLIPUT.  161 

seldom  without  the  tears  of  the  young  lady  and  hel 
companions. 

In  the  nurseries  of  females  of  the  meaner  sort,  the 
children  are  instructed  in  all  kinds  of  work  propel 
for  their  sex,  and  their  several  degrees  ;  those  intended 
for  apprentices  are  dismissed  at  seven  years  old,  the 
test  are  kept  until  eleven. 

The  meaner  families  who  have  children  at  these 
nurseries  are  obliged,  beside  their  annual  pension, 
which  is  as  low  as  possible,  to  return  to  the  steward  of 
the  nursery  a  small  monthly  share  of  their  gettings, 
to  be  a  portion  for  the  child  ;  and  therefore  all  parents 
are  limited  in  their  expenses  by  the  law.  For  the 
Lilliputians  think  nothing  can  be  more  unjust,  than 
for  people,  in  subservience  to  their  own  appetites,  to 
bring  children  into  the  world,  and  leave  the  burden 
of  supporting  them  on  the  public.  As  to  persons  of 
quality,  they  give  security  to  appropriate  a  certain 
sum  for  each  child,  suitable  to  their  condition :  and 
these  funds  are  always  managed  with  good  husbandry 
and  the  most  exact  justice. 

The  cottagers  and  labourers  keep  their  children  at 
home,  their  business  being  only  to  till  and  cultivate 
the  earth,  and  therefore  their  education  is  of  little 
consequence  to  the  public :  but  the  old  and  diseased 
among  them,  are  supported  by  hospitals ;  for  begging 
is  a  trade  unknown  in  this  empire. 

And  here  it  may,  perhaps,  divert  the  curious  reader, 
to  give  some  account  of  my  domestics,  and  my  man- 
ner of  living  in  this  country,  during  a  residence  of 
nine  months  and  thirteen  days.  Having  a  head  me- 
U* 


162 


GULLIVER  S   TRAVELS. 


chanically  turned,  and  being  likewise  forced  by 
necessity,  I  had  made  for  myself  a  table  and  chair 
convenient  enough,  out  of  the  largest  trees  in  the 
royal  park.  Two  hundred  sempstresses  were  em- 
ployed  to  make  me  shirts  and  linen  for  my  bed  and 
table,  all  of  the  strongest  and  coarsest  kind  they  could 
get.  which,  however,  they  were  forced  to  quilt  together 
in  several  folds,  for  the  thickest  was  some  degrees 
finer  than  lawn.  Their  linen  is  usually  three  inches 
wide,  and  three  feet  make  a  piece.  The  sempstresses 
took  my  measure  as  I  lay  on  the  ground,  one  standing 
at  my  neck,  and  another  at  my  mid-leg,  with  a  strong 
cord  extended,  that  each  held  by  the  end,  while  a 
third  measured  the  length  of  the  cord  with  a  rule  of 


an  inch  long.  Then  they  measured  my  right  thumb, 
and  desired  no  more  ;  for  by  a  mathematical  compu- 
tation, that  twice  round  the  thumb  is  once  round  the 
wrist,  and  so  on  to  the  neck  and  the  waist,  and  by  the 
help  of  my  old  shirt,  which  I  displayed  on  the  ground 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT. 


163 


before  them  for  a  pattern  ;  they  fitted  me  exactly. 
Three  hundred  tailors  were  employed  in  the  same 
manner  to  make  me  clothes ;  but  they  had  another 
contrivance  for  taking  my  measure.  I  kneeled  down, 
and  they  raised  a  ladder  from  the  ground  to  my  neck  ; 
upon  this  ladder  one  of  them  mounted,  ard  let  fall  a 
plumb-line  from  my  collar  to  the  floor,  which  just 
answered  the  length  of  my  coat ;  but  my  waist  and 


arms  I  measured  myself.  When  my  clothes  were 
finished,  which  was  done  in  my  house  (for  the  largest 
of  (heirs  would  not  have  been  able  to  hold  them), 
they  looked  like  the  patchwork  made  by  the  ladies 
in  England,  only  that  mine  were  all  of  a  colour. 

I  had  three  hundred  cooks  to  dress  my  victuals,  in 
little  convenient  huts  built  about  my  house,  where 
they  and  their  families  lived,  and  prepared  me  two 
dishes  a-piece.  I  took  up  twenty  waiters  in  my  hand, 
and  placed  them  on  the  table ;  a  hundred  more  at- 
tended below  en  the  ground,  some  with  dishes  of 


164  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

meat,  and  some  with  barrels  of  wine  and  othei 
liquors  slung  on  their  shoulders,  all  which  the 
waiters  above  drew  up,  as  I  wanted,  in  a  very 
ingenious  manner,  by  certain  cords,  as  we  draw  the 
bucket  up  a  well  in  Europe.  A  dish  of  their  meat 
was  a  good  mouthful,  and  a  barrel  of  their  .iquor  a 
reasonable  draught.  Their  mutton  yields  to  ours,  but 
their  beef  is  excellent.  I  have  had  a  sirloin  so  large, 
that  I  have  been  forced  to  make  three  bites  of  it ;  bul 
this  is  rare.  My  servants  were  astonished  to  see  rno 
eat  it,  bones  and  all,  as  in  our  country  we  do  the  leg 
of  a  lark.  Their  geese  and  turkeys  I  usually  ate  at 
a  mouthful,  and  I  confess  they  far  exceed  ours.  Ot 
their  smaller  fowl,  I  could  take  up  twenty  or  thirty  at 
the  end  of  my  knife. 

One  day  his  imperial  majesty,  being  informed  of 
my  way  of  living,  desired  "  that  himself  and  his  royal 
consort,  with  the  young  princes  of  the  blood  of  both 
sexes,  might  have  the  happiness,"  as  he  was  pleased 
to  call  it,  "  of  dining  with  me."  They  came  accord, 
ingly,  and  I  placed  them  in  chairs  of  state  upon  my 
table,  just  over  against  me,  with  their  guards  about 
them.  Flimnap,  the  lord  high-treasurer,  attended 
there  likewise,  with  his  white  staff;  and  I  observed 
he  often  looked  on  me  with  a  sour  countenance,  which 
I  would  not  seem  to  regard,  but  ate  more  than  usual, 
in  honour  to  my  dear  country,  as  well  as  to  fill  the 
court  with  admiration.  I  have  some  private  reasons 

believe,  that  this  visit  from  his  majesty  gave  Flim- 
nap an  opportunity  of  doing  me  ill  offices  to  his  mas- 
ter.  That  minister  had  always  been  my  secret  enemy, 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  165 

(hough  he  outwardly  caressed  me  more  than  was 
usual  to  the  moroseness  of  his  nature.  He  represented 
to  the  emperor  "  the  low  condition  of  his  treasury  ;  that 
ne  was  forced  to  take  up  money  at  a  great  discount ; 
that  exchequer  bills  would  not  circulate  under  nine 
per  cent,  below  par  ;  that  I  had  cost  his  majesty  above 
a  million  and  a  half  of  sprugs  (their  greatest  gold 
coin,  about  the  bigness  of  a  spangle)  ;  and,  upon  the 
whole,  that  it  wo.uld  be  advisable  in  the  emperor  to 
take  the  first  fair  occasion  of  dismissing  me."1 

I  am  here  obliged  to  vindicate  the  reputation  of  an 
excellent  lady,  who  was  an  innocent  sufferer  on  my 
account.  The  treasurer  took  a  fancy  to  be  jealous 
of  his  wife,  from  the  malice  of  some  evil  tongues,  who 
informed  him  that  her  Grace  had  taken  a  violent  af- 
fection for  my  person  ;  and  the  court  scandal  ran  for 
some  time,  that  she  once  came  privately  to  my  lodg- 
ing. This  I  solemnly  declare  to  be  a  most  infamous 
falsehood,  without  any  grounds,  farther  than  that  her 
Grace  was  pleased  to  treat  me  with  all  innocent  marks 
of  freedom  and  friendship.  I  own  she  came  often  to 
my  house,  but  always  publicly,  nor  ever  without 
three  more  in  the  coach,  who  were  usually  her  sister 
and  young  daughter,  and  some  particular  acquaint- 
ance ;  but  this  was  common  to  many  other  ladies  of 
the  court ;  and  I  still  appeal  to  my  servants  round 
whether  they  at  any  time  saw  a  coach  at  my  door 
without  knowing  what  persons  were  in  it.  On  those 

1  Sir  Robert  Walpole  was  often  reproached  with  false  economy, 
— no  uncommon  topic  of  railing  against  the  whigs.  The  par- 
simonious disposition  of  George  I.  has  been  already  noticed. 


166  GULLl    ER'S   TRAVELS. 

occasions,  when  a  servant  had  given  me  notice,  my 
custom  was  to  go  immediately  to  the  door ;  and  after 
paying  my  respects,  to  take  up  the  coach  and  two 
horses  very  carefully  in  my  hands  (for,  if  there  were 
six  horses,  the  postillion  always  unharnessed  four), 
ajd  place  them  on  a  table,  where  I  had  fixed  a  move- 
able  rim  quite  round,  of  five  inches  high,  to  prevent 
accidents ;  and  I  have  often  had  four  coaches  and 
horses  at  once  on  my  table,  full  of  company,  while  I 
sat  in  my  chair,  leaning  my  face  towards  them  ;  and 
when  I  was  engaged  with  one  set,  the  coachmen 
would  gently  drive  the  others  round  my  table.  I  have 
passed  many  an  afternoon  very  agreeably  in  these 
conversations.  But  I  defy  the  treasurer,  or  his  two 
informers  (I  will  name  them,  and  let  them  make  the 
best  of  it),  Clustril  and  Drunlo,  to  prove  that  any  per- 
son ever  came  to  me  incognito,  except  the  secretary 
Reldresal,  who  was  sent  by  express  command  of  his 
imperial  majesty,  as  I  have  before  related.  I  should 
not  have  dwelt  so  long  upon  this  particular,  if  it  had 
not  been  a  point  wherein  the  reputation  of  a  great 
lady  is  so  nearly  concerned,1  to  say  nothing  of  my 
own ;  though  I  then  had  the  honour  to  be  a  nardac, 
which  the  treasurer  himself  is  not ;  for  all  the  world 
knows  that  he  is  only  a  glumglum,  a  title  inferior  by 
one  degree,  as  that  of  a  marquis  is  to  a  duke  in  Eng- 

1  The  Dean  probably  alludes  to  the  inquiries  made  into  Boling- 
broke's  intrigues  by  the  Committee  of  1715,  and  particularly  thai 
which  he  was  suspected  of  having  formed  with  Madame  Tencin. 
There  are  few  passages  in  this  work  which  can  compete  for  grave 
and  quiet  humour  with  Gulliver's  earnest  defence  of  the  lady's 
character. 


A    VO/AGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  167 

Inml ;  yet  I  allow  he  preceded  me  in  right  of  his  post. 
These  false  informations,  which  I  afterwards  came  to 
the  knowledge  of  by  an  accident  not  propel  to  men- 
lion,  made  the  treasurer  show  his  lady  for  some  time 
un  ill  countenance,  and  me  a  worse  ;  and  although 
he  was  at  last  undeceived  and  reconciled  to  her,  yet  I 
lost  all  credit  with  him,  and  found  my  interest  decline 
very  fast  with  the  emperor  himself,  who  was,  indeed, 
too  much  governed  by  that  favourite. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

The  aulrw  being  informed  of  a  design  to  accuse  him  of  high-treason,  make*  bit 
escape  to  Blefuscu.— His  reception  there. 

AN  account  of  my  leaving  this  kingdom  may  prop, 
erly  be  prefaced  by  some  particulars  of  a  private  in- 
trigue which  had  been  for  two  months  forming  against 
me.  I  had  been  hitherto,  all  my  life,  a  stranger  to 
courts,  for  which  I  was  unqualified  by  the  meanness 
of  my  condition.  I  had  indeed  heard  and  read  enough 
of  the  dispositions  of  great  princes  and  ministers  ;  but 
never  expected  to  have  found  such  terrible  effects  of 
them  in  so  remote  a  country,  governed,  as  I  thought, 
by  very  different  maxims  from  those  in  Europe. 

When  I  was  just  preparing  to  pay  my  attendance 
on  the  emperor  of  Blefuscu,  a  considerable  person  at 
court  (to  whom  I  had  been  very  serviceable,  at  a  time 
when  he  lay  under  the  highest  displeasure  of  his  im- 
perial majesty),  came  to  my  house  very  privately  at 
night,  in  a  close  chair,  and,  without  sending  his  name, 
desired  admittance.  The  chairmen  were  dismissed  ; 
I  put  the  chair,  with  his  lordship  in  it,  into  my  coat- 
pocket  ;  and  giving  orders  to  a  trusty  servant,  to  say 
I  was  indisposed  and  gone  to  sleep,  I  fastened  the  door 
of  my  house,  placed  the  chair  on  the  table,  according 
to  my  usual  custom,  and  sat  down  by  it.  After  the 
oommon  salutations  were  over,  observing  his  lordship's 


A    VOY.4GF    TO    LILLIPUT.  169 

countenance  full  of  concern,  and  inquiring  into  the 
reason,  he  desired  "  I  would  hear  him  with  patience, 
in  a  matter  that  highly  concerned  my  honour  and  my 
life."  His  speech  was  to  the  following  effect,  for  I 
took  notes  of  it  as  soon  as  he  left  me : — 

"  You  are  to  know,"  said  he,  "  that  several  com- 
mittees  of  council  have  been  lately  called,  in  the  most 
private  manner,  on  your  account ;  and  it  is  but  two* 
days  since  his  majesty  came  to  a  full  resolution. 

"  You  are  very  sensible  that  Skyresh  Bolgolam 
(galbet,  or  high  admiral)  has  been  your  mortal  enemy, 
almost  ever  since  your  arrival.  His  original  reasons 
I  know  not ;  but  his  hatred  is  increased  since  your 
great  success  against  Blefuscu,  by  which  his  glory  as 
admiral  is  much  obscured.  This  lord,  in  conjunction 
with  Flimnap,  the  high  treasurer,  whose  enmity 
against  you  is  notorious  on  account  of  his  la'dy,  Lim- 
toe  the  general,  Lalcon  the  chamberlain,  and  Balmuff 
the  grand  justiciary,  have  prepared  articles  of  im. 
peachment  against  you,  for  treason  and  other  capital 
crimes." 

This  preface  made  me  so  impatient,  being  conscious 
of  my  own  merits  and  innocence,  that  I  was  going  to  . 
interrupt  him  ;  when  he  entreated  me  to  be  silent,  and 
thus  proceeded. 

"  Out  of  gratitude  for  the  favours  you  have  dono 
me,  I  procured  information  of  the  whole  proceedings, 
and  a  copy  of  the  articles  ;'  wherein  I  venture  my 
head  for  your  service. 

1  These  articles  are  designed  to  ridicule  the  articles  of  impend*- 
meat  against  Oxford,  Ormond,  and  Bolingbioke,  in  1715. 
15 


i70  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

ARTICLES  OP  IMPEACHMENT 

AGAINST 

(1UINBUS  FLESTRIN,  THE  MAN-MOUNTAIN. 
ART.  I. 

{  WHEREAS,  by  a  statute  made  in  the  reign  of  his  au- 
perial  majesty  Calin  Deffar  Plune,  it  is  enacted,  thai 
whosoever  shall  make  water  within  the  precincts  of  the 
royal  palace,  shall  be  liable  to  the  pains  and  penalties 
of  high-treason ;  notwithstanding,  the  said  Quinbus 
Flestrin,  in  open  breach  of  the  said  law.  under  colour 
of  extinguishing  the  fire  kindled  in  the  apartment  of  hia 
majesty's  most  dear  imperial  consort,  did  maliciously, 
traitorously,  and  devilishly,  by  discharge  of  his  urine, 
put  out  the  said  fire  kindled  in  the  said  apartment,  lying 
and  being  within  the  precincts  of  the  said  royal  palace, 
against  the  statute  in  that  case  provided,  etc.,  against 
the  duty,  etc. 

There  are  many  who  believed,  that  in  consequence  of  tho 
numerous  victories  obtained  by  the  Duke  of  Marlborough  and 
Prince  Eugene,  it  would  have  been  possible  for  the  Allies  to  have 
inarched  to  Paris,  and  compelled  Louis  XIV.  to  purchase  peaco 
by  the  sacrifice  of  a  large  portion  of  his  dominion.  Swift  so  far 
yields  to  popular  prejudice  as  not  to  contest  the  possibility  of 
such  an  exploit  (here  typified  by  the  complete  conquest  of  Ble- 
fuscu) ;  he  takes  the  higher  ground  of  national  justice,  and  in- 
sinuates that  if  the  Allies  had  violated  the  integrity  of  France, 
they  would  have  been  guilty  of  the  very  crime  which  furnished  n 
pretext  lor  their  inveterate  hostility  to  Louis  XIV.  The  frivo- 
lous and  vexatious  character  of  some  of  the  articles  of  Gulliver's 
impeachment  is  scarcely  an  exaggeration  of  the  trivial  nature  ol 
many  of  the  charges  brought  against  Queen  Anne's  last  cabinet 
fey  the  Walpole  administration. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LliLIPUT.  171 


.  '  That  the  said  Q,uinbus  Flestrin  having  brought  the 
imperial  fleet  of  Blefuscu  into  the  royal  port,  and  being 
afterwards  commanded  by  his  imperial  majesty  to  seize 
all  the  other  ships  of  the  said  empire  of  Blefuscu,  and 
reduce  that  empire  to  a  province,  to  be  governed  by  a 
viceroy  from  hence,  and  to  destroy  and  put  to  death  not 
only  all  the  Big-endian  exiles,  but  likewise  all  the  peo- 
ple of  that  empire  who  would  not  immediately  forsake 
the  Big-endian  heresy;  he,  the  said  Flestrin,  like  a 
false  traitor  against  his  most  auspicious,  serene,  impe- 
rial majesty,  did  petition  to  be  excused  from  the  said 
service,  upon  pretence  of  unwillingness  to  force  the  con- 
sciences, or  destroy  the  liberties  and  lives  of  an  inno- 
cent people.1 


'  That  whereas  certain  ambassadors  arrived  from  the 
eaurt  of  Blefuscu,  to  sue  for  peace  in  his  majesty's 
court;  he,  the  said  Flestrin,  did,  like  a  false  traitor,  aid, 
abet,  comfort,  and  divert  the  said  ambassadors,  although 
he  knew  them  to  be  servants  of  a  prince  who  was  lately 
an  open  enemy  to  his  imperial  majesty,  and  in  an  open 
war  against  his  said  majesty. 


•  That  the  said  duinbus  Flestrin,  contrary  to  the  duty 
of  a  faithful  subject,  is  now  preparing  to  make  a  voy- 
age to  the  court  and  empire  of  Blefuscu,  for  which  he 

1  A  lawyer  thinks  himself  honest,  if  he  does  the  best  he  can  for 
his  client ;  and  a  statesman,  if  he  promotes  the  interests  of  hia 
country :  but  the  Dean  here  inculcates  a  higher  notion  of  right 
and  wrong,  and  obligations  to  a  larger  community. — Hateftt- 
worth. 


172  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

has  received  only  verbal  license  from  his  imperm 
majesty,  and,  under  colour  of  the  said  license,  does 
falsely  and  traitorously  intend  to  take  the  said  voyage, 
and  thereby  to  aid,  comfort,  and  abet  the  emperor  of 
Blefuscu,  so  lately  an  enemy,  and  in  open  war  with 
his  imperial  majesty  aforesaid.' 

"  There  are  some  other  articles  ;  but  these  are  the 
most  important,  of  which  I  have  read  you  an  ab- 
stract. 

"  In  the  several  debates  upon  this  impeachment,  '*. 
must  be  confessed  that  his  majesty  gave  many  mark 
of  his  great  lenity  ;  often  urging  the  services  you  had 
done  him,  and  endeavouring  to  extenuate  your  crimes. 
The  treasurer  and  admiral  insisted  that  you  should  be 
put  to  the  most  painful  and  ignominious  death,  by  set- 
ting fire  to  your  house  at  night ;  and  the  general  was 
to  attend  with  twenty  thousand  men,  armed  with  poi- 
soned arrows,  to  shoot  you  on  the  face  and  hands. 
Some  of  your  servants  were  to  have  private  orders  to 
strew  a  poisonous  juice  on  your  shirts  and  sheets, 
which  would  soon  make  you  tear  your  own  flesh,  and 
die  in  the  utmost  torture.  The  general  came  into  the 
same  opinion ;  so  that  for  a  long  time  there  was  a 
majority  against  you ;  but  his  majesty  resolving,  if 
possible,  to  spare  your  life,  at  last  brought  off  the 
chamberlain. 

"  Upon  this  incident,  Reldresal,  principal  secretary 
for  private  affairs,  who  always  approved  himself  your 
true  friend,  was  commanded  by  the  emperor  to  deliver 
his  opinion,  which  he  accordingly  did ;  and  therein 
justified  the  good  thoughts  you  have  of  him.  He  al 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  173 

lowed  your  crimes  to  be  great,  Dut  that  still  there  wa» 
room  for  mercy,  the  most  commendable  virtue  in  a 
prince,  and  for  which  his  majesty  was  so  justly  celebra- 
ted. He  said,  the  friendship  between  you  and  him  was 
so  well  known  to  the  world,  that  perhaps  the  most  hon- 
ourable board  might  think  him  partial :  however,  in 
obedience  to  the  command  he  had  received,  he  woulJ 
freely  offer  his  sentiments.  That  if  his  majesty,  in 
consideration  of  your  services,  and  pursuant  to  his 
own  merciful  disposition,  would  please  to  spare  your 
life,  and  only  give  orders  to  put  out  both  of  your  eyes, 
he  humbly  conceived  that,  by  this  expedient,  justice 
might  in  some  measure  be  satisfied,  and  all  the  world 
would  applaud  the  lenity  of  the  emperor,  as  well  as 
the  fair  and  generous  proceedings  of  those  who  have 
the  honour  to  be  his  counsellors.  That  the  loss  of 
your  eyes  would  be  no  impediment  to  your  bodily 
strength,  by  which  you  might  still  be  useful  to  his 
majesty  :  that  blindness  is  an  addition  to  courage,  by 
concealing  dangers  from  us :  that  the  fear  you  had 
for  your  eyes,  was  the  greatest  difficulty  in  bringing 
over  the  enemy's  fleet ;  and  it  would  be  sufficient  for 
you  to  see  by  the  eyes  of  the  ministers,  since  the 
greatest  princes  do  no  more.1 

1  The  pretended  merciful  counsel  of  Reldresal,  who  proposed  a 
commutation  of  punishment,  which,  however,  was  worse  than 
death,  appears  to  be  a  satire  on  those  whigs  who  proposed  that  the 
Earl  of  Oxford  and  Lord  Bolingbroke,  instead  of  being  impeached 
for  high  treason,  and  thus  brought  in  peril  of  life,  should  orjly  be 
accused  of  high  misdemeanors,  which  would  justify  their  being 
deprived  of  title  and  estate,  and  sentenced  to  civil  death. 
15* 


/74  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

"  This  proposal  was  received  with  the  utmost  dis 
approbation  by  the  whole  board.  Bolgolam,  the  ad- 
miral,  could  not  preserve  his  temper ;  but  rising  up 
in  a  fury,  said,  he  wondered  how  the  secretary  durst 
presume  to  give  his  opinion  for  preserving  the  life  of 
a  traitor :  that  the  services  you  had  performed  were, 
by  all  true  reasons  of  state,  the  grea.  aggravation 
of  your  crimes  ;  that  you,  who  was  able  to  extinguish 
the  fire  by  discharge  of  urine  in  her  majesty's  apart- 
ment (which  he  mentioned  with  horror),  might,  at  an- 
other time,  raise  an  inundation  by  the  same  means,  to 
drown  the  whole  palace ;  and  the  same  strength  which 
enabled  you  to  bring  over  the  enemy's  fleet,  might 
serve,  upon  the  first  discontent,  to  carry  it  back  :  that 
he  had  good  reason  to  think  you  were  a  Big-endian 
in  your  heart ;  and,  as  treason  begins  in  the  heart 
before  it  appears  in  overt  acts,  so  he  accused  you  as  a 
traitor  on  that  account,  and  therefore  insisted  you 
should  be  put  to  death. 

"  The  treasurer  was  of  the  same  opinion  :  he  show- 
ed to  what  straits  his  majesty's  revenue  was  reduced, 
by  the  charge  of  maintaining  you,  which  would  soon 
grow  insupportable  :  that  the  secretary's  expedient  of 
putting  out  your  eyes,  was  so  far  from  being  a  reme- 
dy against  this  evil,  that  it  would  probably  increase 
it,  as  is  manifest  from  the  common  practice  of  blinding 
some  kind  of  fowls,  after  which  they  fed  the  faster 
and  grew  sooner  fat  ;  that  his  sacred  majesty  and  the 
council,  who  are  your  judges,  were,  in  their  own 
consciences,  fully  convinced  of  your  guilt,  which  was 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  175 

a  sufficient  argument  to  condemn  you  to  death  with- 
out  the  formal  proofs  required  by  the  strict  letter  of 
the  law.1 

"  But  his  imperial  majesty,  fully  determined  against 
capital  punishment,  was  graciously  pleased  to  say, 
that  since  the  council  thought  the  loss  of  your  eyes 
too  easy  a  censure,  some  other  may  be  inflicted  here- 
after.* And  your  friend  the  secretary,  humbly  desir- 
ing to  be  heard  again,  in  answer  to  what  the  treasurer 
had  objected,  concerning  the  great  charge  his  majesty 
was  at  in  maintaining  you,  said,  that  his  excellency, 
who  had  the  sole  disposal  of  the  emperor's  revenue, 
might  easily  provide  against  that  evil,  by  gradually  les- 
sening your  establishment ;  by  which,  for  want  of  suffi- 
cient food,  you  will  grow  weak  and  faint,  and  lose 
your  appetite,  and  consume  in  a  few  months  ;  neither 
would  the  stench  of  your  carcass  be  then  so  danger- 

1  There  is  something  so  odious  in  whatever  is  wrong,  that  even 
those  whom  it  does  not  subject  to  punishment,  endeavour  to 
colour  it  with  an  appearance  of  right ;  but  the  attempt  is  always 
unsuccessful,  and  only  betrays  a  consciousness  of  deformity  by 
showing  a  desire  to  hide  it.     Thus  the  Lilliputian  court  pre- 
tended a  right  to  dispense  with  the  strict  letter  of  the  law  to  put 
Gulliver  to  death,  though  by  the  strict  letter  of  the  law  only  he 
could  be  convicted  of  a  crime ;  the  intention  of  the  statute  not 
being  to  suffer  the  palace  rather  to  be  burnt  than  so  to  be  ex- 
tinguished.— Hauksworth. 

2  This  appears  to  be  directed  against  the  partial  pardon  which 
was  granted  to  Lord  Bolingbroke.     George  I.  could  never  be  per- 
suaded to  restore  him  to  his  rights  as  a  peer,  though  Boling- 
broke bribed  the  Duchess  of  Kendal  to  use  her  powerful  inter- 
cession, and  actually  induced  her  to  place  his  memorial  in  tha 
king's  own  hand. 


176  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

ous,  when  it  should  become  more  than  half  diminished  ; 
and  immediately  upon  your  death,  five  or  six  thousand 
of  his  majesty's  subjects  might,  in  two  or  three  days, 
cut  your  flesh  from  your  bones,  take  it  away  by  cart- 
loads, and  bury  it  in  distant  parts,  to  prevent  infection, 
leaving  the  skeleton  as  a  monument  of  admiration  to 
posterity. 

"  Thus  by  the  great  friendship  of  the  secretary,  the 
whole  affair  was  compromised.  It  was  strictly  enjoin- 
ed, that  the  project  of  starving  you  by  degrees  should 
be  kept  a  secret ;  but  the  sentence  of  putting  out  your 
eyes  was  entered  on  the  books  ;  none  dissenting,  except 
Bolgolam,  the  admiral,  who,  be  ng  a  creature  of  the  em- 
press, was  perpetually  instigated  by  her  majesty  to  in 
sist  upon  your  death,  she  having  borne  perpetual  malice 
against  you,  on  account  of  that  infamous  and  illegal 
method  you  took  to  extinguish  the  fire  in  her  apartment. 

"  In  three  days  your  friend  the  secretary  will  be 
directed  to  come  to  your  house,  and  read  before  you 
the  articles  of  impeachment ;  and  then  to  signify  the 
great  lenity  and  favour  of  his  majesty  and  council, 
whereby  you  are  only  condemned  to  the  loss  of  your 
eyes,  which  his  majesty  does  not  question  you  will 
gratefully  and  humbly  submit  to ;  and  twenty  of  his 
majesty's  surgeons  will  attend,  in  order  to  see  the 
operation  well  performed,  by  discharging  very  sharp- 
pointed  arrows  into  the  balls  of  your  eyes,  as  you  lie 
on  the  ground. 

"  I  leave  to  your  prudence  what  measures  you  wil] 
ake ;  and  to  avoid  suspicion,  I  must  immediately  re 
turn  in  as  private  a  manner  as  I  came." 


A   VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  177 

His  lordship  did  so;  and  I  remained  alone,  under 
many  doubts  and  perplexities  of  mind. 

It  was  a  custom  introduced  by  this  prince  and  his 
ministry  (very  different,  as  I  have  been  assured,  from 
the  practice  of  former  times),  that  after  the  court  had 
decreed  any  cruel  execution,  either  to  gratify  the  mon- 
arch's resentment,  or  the  malice  of  a  favourite,  the 
emperor  always  made  a  speech  to  his  whole  council, 
expressing  his  great  lenity  and  tenderness  as  qualities 
known  and  confessed  by  all  the  world.  This  speech 
was  immediately  published  throughout  the  kingdom  ;l 
nor  did  any  thing  terrify  the  people  so  much,  as  those 
encomiums  on  his  majesty's  mercy  ;  because  it  was 
observed,  that  the  more  these  praises  were  enlarged 
and  insisted  on,  the  more  inhuman  was  the  punish- 
ment, and  the  sufferer  more  innocent.  Yet  as  to  my- 
self, I  must  confess,  having  never  been  designed  for  a 
courtier,  either  by  my  birth  or  education,  I  was  so 
ill  a  judge  of  things,  that  I  could  not  discover  the  leni- 
ty and  favour  of  this  sentence,  but  conceived  it  (per- 
haps erroneously)  rather  to  be  rigorous  than  gentle. 
I  sometimes  thought  of  standing  my  trial ;  for,  although 
I  could  not  deny  the  facts  alleged  in  the  several  arti- 
cles, yet  I  hoped  they  would  admit  of  some  extenua- 
tion. But  having  in  my  life  perused  many  state  trials, 
which  I  ever  observed  to  terminate  as  the  judges 

1  Sir  Walter  Scott  supposes  that  a  sarcasm  is  intended  hert 
against  the  royal  proclamations  issued  after  the  rebellion  of  1715, 
but  Swift  more  probably  alludes  to  the  king's  speech  at  the  open- 
ing of  parliament,  October  llth,  1722,  wherein  he  informed  both 
Houses  of  the  conspiracy  to  restore  the  Pretender,  in  which 
Atterbury  was  involved. 


178  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

thought  fit  lo  direct,  I  durst  not  rely  on  so  dangerous 
a  decision,  in  so  critical  a  juncture,  and  against  such 
powerful  enemies.  Once,  I  was  strongly  bent  upon 
resistance  :  for,  while  I  had  liberty,  the  whole  strength 
of  that  empire  could  hardly  subdue  me,  and  1  might 
easily  with  stones  pelt  the  metropolis  to  pieces  ;  but  I 
soon  rejected  that  project  with  horror,  by  remember, 
ing  the  oath  I  had  made  to  the  emperor,  the  favours  I 
received  from  him,  and  the  high  title  of  nardac  he 
conferred  upon  me.  Neither  had  I  so  soon  learned 
the  gratitude  of  courtiers,  to  persuade  myself  that  his 
majesty's  present  severities  acquitted  me  of  all  past 
obligations.1 

At  last  I  fixed  upon  a  resolution,  for  which  it  is 
probable  I  may  incur  some  censure,  and  not  unjustly  ; 
for  I  confess  I  owe  the  preserving  of  mine  eyes,  and 
consequently  my  liberty,  to  my  own  great  rashness 
and.  want  of  experience;  because,  if  I  had  then 
known  the  nature  of  princes  and  ministers,  which  I 
have  since  observed  in  man}  other  courts,  and  their 
methods  of  treating  criminals  less  obnoxious  than  my 
self,  I  should,  with  great  alacrity  and  readiness,  have 

1  Gulliver's  defence  of  himself  for  escaping  to  Blcfuscu  is  a 
covert  apology  for  Bolingbroke's  flight  to  France  in  1715 ;  a  cir- 
cumstance which  was  frequently  quoted  as  decisive  proof  of  his 
guilt,  and  censured  as  an  act  of  imprudence  by  many  who  believed 
in  his  innocence.  The  Dean  insinuates  that  it  was  like  that  of 
Gulliver,  rendered  necessary  by  the  malice  of  the  ministers  of  the 
day ;  and  it  must  be  confessed  that  the  mode  in  which  the  arti- 
cles of  impeachment  were  urged  forward,  gave  too  much  reason 
to  believe  that  Bolingbroke's  death  was  pre-determined  by  his 
accusers 


A    VOYAGE  TO    LILLIPUT.  179 

submitted  to  so  easy  a  punishment.1  But  hurried  on 
by  the  precipitancy  of  youth,  and  having  his  imperial 
majesty's  license  to  pay  my  attendance  upon  the  em- 
peror of  Blefuscu,  I  took  this  opportunity,  before  the 
three  days  were  elapsed,  to  send  a  letter  to  my  friend 
the  secretary,  signifying  my  resolution  of  setting  out 
that  morning  for  Blefuscu,  pursuant  to  the  leave  I 
had  got ;  and,  without  waiting  for  an  answer,  I  went 
to  that  side  of  the  island  where  our  fleet  lay.  I  seized 
a  large  man-of-war,  tied  a  cable  to  the  prow,  and  lift, 
ing  up  the  anchors,  I  stripped  myself,  put  my  clothes 
(together  with  my  coverlet,  which  I  carried  under  my 
arm)  into  the  vessel,  and  drawing  it  after  me,  between 
wading  and  swimming,  arrived  at  the  royal  port  of 
Blefuscu,  where  the  people  had  long  expected  me ; 
they  lent  me  two  guides  to  direct  me  to  the  capital 
city,  which  is  of  the  same  name.  I  held  them  in  my 
hands,  till  I  came  within  two  hundred  yards  of  the 
gate,  and  desired  them  "  to  signify  my  arrival  to  one 
of  the  secretaries,  and  let  him  know  I  there  waited 
his  majesty's  command."  I  had  an  answer  in  about 
an  hour,  "  that  his  majesty,  attended  by  the  royal 
family,  and  great  officers  of  the  court,  was  coming 
out  to  receive  me."  I  advanced  a  hundred  yards. 

2  This  bitter  stroke  of  irony  is  directed  against  the  acts  of  par- 
liament by  which  Ormond,  Bolingbroke,  and  the  Bishop  oi  Ro- 
chester, were  attainted.  Swift  gave  rather  a  perilous  proof  of  hia 
belief  in  the  innocence  of  the  Duke  of  Ormond,  when,  after  that 
nobleman's  attainder,  the  heralds  from  the  Irish  College  of  Amu 
went  to  remove  his  escutcheon  from  St.  Patrick's  Cathedral, 
Swifv.  refused  them  admittance,  and  persevered  in  keeping  the 
iuke's  coat  of  arms  in  its  ancient  place  of  honour. 


180  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

The  emperor  and  his  train  alighted  from  their  horses, 
the  empress  and  ladies  from  their  coaches,  and  I  did 
not  perceive  they  were  in  any  fright  or  concern.  1 
lay  on  the  ground  to  kiss  his  majesty's  and  the  em- 
press's hands.  I  told  his  majesty,  "  that  I  was  come 
according  to  my  promise,  and  with  the  license  of  the 
emperor  my  master,  to  have  the  honour  of  seeing  so 
mighty  a  monarch,  and  to  offer  him  any  service  in 
my  power,  consistent  with  my  duty  to  my  own  prince  ;" 
not  mentioning  a  word  of  my  disgrace,  because  I  had 
hitherto  no  regular  information  of  it,  and  might  sup- 
pose myself  wholly  ignorant  of  any  such  design  ; 
neither  could  I  reasonably  conceive  that  the  emperor 
would  discover  the  secret,  while  I  was  out  of  his 
power ;  wherein,  however,  it  soon  appeared  I  was 
deceived. 

I  shall  not  trouble  the  reader  with  the  particular 
account  of  my  reception  at  this  court,  which  was 
suitable  to  the  generosity  of  so  great  a  prince  ;  nor 
of  the  difficulties  I  was  in  for  want  of  a  house  and 
bed,  being  forced  to  lie  on  the  ground,  wrapped  up  in 
my  coverlet.1 

1  The  author  probably  alludes  to  the  severe  hardships  endured 
by  many  of  the  Jacobite  exiles  in  France. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

fbe  author,  by  a  lucky  accident,  finds  means  to  leave  Blefuscu ;  and,  aSterMMM 
difficulties,  returns  safe  to  his  native  country. 

THREE  days  after  my  arrival,  walking  out  of  curi- 
osity to  the  north-east  coast  of  the  island,  I  observed, 
about  half  a  league  off  in  the  sea,  somewhat  that 
looked  like  a  boat  overturned.  I  pulled  off  my  shoes 
and  stockings,  and  wading  two  or  three  hundred  yards, 
I  found  the  object  to  approach  nearer  by  force  of  the 
tide ;  and  then  plainly  saw  it  to  be  a  real  boat,  which 
I  supposed  might  by  some  tempest  have  been  driven 
from  a  ship ;  whereupon  I  returned  immediately 
towards  the  city,  and  desired  his  imperial  majesty  to 
lend  me  twenty  of  the  tallest  vessels  he  had  left,  after 
the  loss  of  his  fleet,  and  three  thousand  seamen,  under 
the  command  of  his  vice-admiral.  This  fleet  sailed 
round,  while  I  went  back  the  shortest  way  to  the  coast, 
where  I  first  discovered  the  boat.  I  found  the  tide 
had  driven  it  still  nearer.  The  seamen  were  all  pro- 
vided  with  cordage,  which  I  had  beforehand  twisted 
to  a  sufficient  strength.  When  the  ships  came  up,  I 
stripped  myself,  and  waded  till  I  came  within  a  hun, 
dred  yards  of  the  boat,  after  which  I  was  forced  tc 
swim  till  I  got  up  to  it.  The  seamen  threw  me  the 
16 


182  GULIIVEE'S  TRAVELS. 

end  of  the  cord,  which  I  fastened  to  a  hole  in  the 
forepart  of  \he  boat,  and  the  other  end  to  a  man-of-war  ; 
but  I  found  all  my  labour  to  little  purpose  ;  for,  being 
out  of  my  depth,  I  was  not  able  to  work.  In  this  ne- 
cessity I  was  forced  to  swim  behind,  and  push  the 
boat  forward,  as  often  as  I  could,  with  one  of  my 
hands  ;  and  the  tide  favouring  me,  I  advanced  so  far 
that  I  could  just  hold  up  my  chin  and  feel  the  ground. 
I  rested  two  or  three  minutes,  and  then  gave  the  boat 
another  shove,  and  so  on,  till  the  sea  was  no  higher 
than  my  arm-pits ;  and  now  the  most  laborious  pai  t 
being  over,  I  took  out  my  other  cables,  which  were 
stowed  in  one  of  the  ships,  and  fastened  them  first  to 
the  boat,  and  then  to  nine  of  the  vessels  which  at- 
tended me ,  the  wind  being  favourable,  the  seamen 
towed,  and  I  shoved,  until  we  arrived  within  forty 
yards  of  the  shore,  and  waiting  till  the  tide  was  out,  1 
got  dry  to  the  boat,  and  by  the  assistance  of  two  thou- 
sand men  with  ropes  and  engines,  I  made,  a  shift  to 
turn  it  on  its  bottom,  and  found  it  was  but  little  dam- 
aged. 

I  shall  not  trouble  the  reader  with  the  difficulties  I 
was  under,  by  the  help  of  certain  paddles,  which  cost 
me  ten  days  making,  to  get  my  boat  to  the  royal  port 
of  Blefuscu,  where  a  mighty  concourse  of  people  ap- 
peared upon  my  arrival,  full  of  wonder  at  the  sight 
of  so  prodigious  a  vessel.  I  told  the  emperor  "  that 
my  good  fortune  had  thrown  this  boat  in  my  way,  to 
carry  me  to  some  place  whence  I  might  return  into  my 
native  country ;  and  begged  his  majesty's  orBers  for 
getting  materials  to  fit  it  up ;  together  with  his  license 


A    VOYAGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  183 

Lo  depart;"  which,  after  some  kind  expostulations,  he 
was  pleased  to  grant. 

I  did  very  much  wonder,  in  all  this  time,  not  to 
have  heard1  of  any  express  relating  to  me  from  our 
emperor  to  the  court  of  Blefuscu.  But  I  was  after- 
wards given  privately  to  understand,  ihat  his  imperial 
majesty,  never  imagining  I  had  the  least  notice  of  his 
designs,  believed  I  was  only  gone  to  Blefuscu  in  per- 
formance of  my  promise,  according  to  the  license  he 
had  given  me,  which  was  well  known  at  our  court, 
and  would  return  in  a  few  days,  when  the  ceremony 
was  ended.  But  he  was  at  last  in  pain  at  my  long 
absence  ;  and  after  consulting  with  the  treasurer  and 
the  rest  of  that  cabal,  a  person  of  quality  was  dis- 
patched with  a  copy  of  the  articles  against  me.  This 
envoy  had  instructions  to  represent  to  the  monarch  of 
Blefuscu  "  the  great  lenity  of  his  master,  who  was 
content  to  punish  me  no  farther  than  with  the  loss  of 
mine  eyes;  that  I  had  fled  from  justice  ;  and  if  I  did 
not  return  in  two  hours,  I  should  be  deprived  of  my 
title  of  nardac,  and  declared  a  traitor."  The  envoy 
farther  added,  "  that  in  order  to  maintain  the  peace 
and  amity  between  both  empires,  his  master  expected, 
that  his  brother  of  Blefuscu  would  give  orders  tc  have 
me  sent  back  to  Lilliput,  bound  hand  and  foot,  to  be 
punished  as  a  traitor."2 

1 '  I  did  very  much  wonder  not  to  have  heard,'  etc.  This  sen- 
tence is  ungrammatical ;  it  should  have  been,  'I  did  very  much 
wonder,  in  all  this  tkue,  at  not  having  heard  of  any  express,"  etc, 
— Sheridan. 

8  This  embassy  from  L''liput  is  designed  to  satirize  the  fre 


184  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

The  emperor  of  Blefuscu,  having  taken  three  days 
to  consult,  returned  an  answer  consisting  of  many 
civilities  and  excuses.  He  said,  "  that,  as  for  sending 
me  bound,  his  brother  knew  it  was  impossible  ;  that 
altviough  I  had  deprived  him  of  his  fleet,  yet  he  owed 
great  obligations  to  me  for  many  good  offices  I  had 
done  him  in  making  peace.  That,  however,  both  their 
majesties  would  soon  be  made  easy ;  for  I  had  found 
a  prodigious  vessel  on  the  shore,  able  to  carry  me  on 
the  sea,  which  he  had  given  orders  to  fit  up,  with  my 
own  assistance  and  direction  ;  and  he  hoped,  in  a  few 
weeks,  both  empires  would  be  freed  from  so  insupport- 
able an  incumbrance." 

With  this  answer  the  envoy  returned  to  Lilliput, 
and  the  monarch  of  Blefuscu  related  to  me  all  that 
had  passed ;  offering  me  at  the  same  time  (but  under 
the  strictest  confidence)  his  gracious  protection,  if  I 
would  continue  in  his  service  ;  wherein  although  I 
believed  him  sincere,  yet  I  resolved  never  more  to  put 
any  confidence  in  princes  or  ministers,  where  I  could 
possibly  avoid  it ,  ana  therefore,  with  all  due  ac- 
knowledgments for  his  favourable  intentions,  I  humbly 
begged  to  be  excused.  I  told  him,  that  "since  fortune, 
whether  good  or  evil,  had  thrown  a  vessel  in  my  way, 
I  was  resolved  to  venture  myself  on  the  ocean,  rather 
than  be  an  occasion  of  difference  between  two  such 
mighty  monarchs."  Neither  did  I  find  the  emperoi 
at  all  displeased  ;  and  I  discovered,  by  a  certain  ac 

quent  remonstrances  made  to  the  French  court  by  the  English 
ministers  in  consequence  of  the  protection  granted  to  the  Jaco- 
bitea. 


A   VOYAGE   TO   L1LUPTJT.  185 

cident,  that  he  was  very  glad  of  my  resolution,  and 
so  were  most  of  his  ministers.1 

These  considerations  moved  me  to  hasten  my  depar- 
ture somewhat  sooner  than  I  intended  •  to  which  the 
court,  impatient  to  have  me  gone,  very  readily  con- 
tributed. Five  hundred  workmen  were  employed  to 
make  two  sails  to  my  boat,  according  to  my  directions, 
by  quilting  thirteen  folds  of  their  strongest  linen  to- 
gether. I  was  at  the  pains  of  making  ropes  and  cables, 
by  twisting  ten,  twenty,  or  thirty,  of  the  thickest  and 
strongest  of  theirs.  A  great  stone  that  I  happened  to 
find,  after  a  long  search,  by  the  sea-shore,  served  me 
for  an  anchor.  I  had  the  tallow  of  three  hundred 
cows,  for  greasing  my  boat,  and  other  uses.  I  was  at 
incredible  pains  in  cutting  down  some  of  the  largest 

'This  irony  is  directed  against  the  jealousy  with  which  Bol- 
ingbroke, during  his  exile,  was  regarded  by  the  French  minis- 
ters. His  restless  spirit  of  intrigue  rendered  him  scarcely  less 
formidable  at  Versailles  than  he  had  been  at  St.  James's  .  Dur- 
ing his  exile,  Bolingbroke  entered  into  the  Pretender's  service, 
but  soon  quarrelled  with  his  master,  and  was  formally  attainted  at 
the  mock  court  of  St.  James's.  It  was  a  singular  fortune  to  be 
secretary  to  and  attainted  by  both  governments.  Swift  has  in- 
variably eulogized  Bolingbroke  as  a  pure  patriot ;  but  he  was  far 
from  deserving  that  character.  "  His  life,"  says  a  recent  wri- 
ter, "  was  chiefly  spent  in  retirement,  and  though  not  nighly 
exemplary  of  practical  wisdom,  he  was  looked  up  to  with  oracu- 
lar veneration  by  contemporary  wits  and  politicians.  He  was  a 
fine  speaker  and  highly  accomplished  man  ;  of  great  energy  and 
decision  of  character  ;  but  unscrupulous,  and  lacked  the  integrity 
of  principle  and  singleness  of  purpose  which  inspire  confidence 
and  lead  to  unquestioned  excellence.  He  was  ambitious,  envi- 
ous of  superiority,  resentful;  lax  in  morals  a  partisan  in  politics 
and  an  infidel  in  religion. 

16* 


186 


GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 


timber  trees  for  oars  and  masts,  wherein  I  was,  how. 
ever,  much  assisted  by  his  majesty's  ship-earpentera, 
who  helped  me  in  smoothing  them,  after  I  had  done 
the  rough  work. 


In  about  a  month,  when  all  was  prepared,  I  sent  to 
receive  his  majesty's  commands,  and  to  take  my  leave. 
The  emperor  and  royal  family  came  out  of  the  palace  ; 
I  lay  down  on  my  face  to  kiss  his  hand,  which  he  very 
graciously  gave  me  ;  so  did  the  empress  and  young 
princes  of  the  blood.  His  majesty  presented  me  with 
fifty  purses  of  two  hundred  sprugs  apiece,  together 
with  his  picture  at  full  length,  which  I  put  immediate- 
ly into  one  of  my  gloves,  to  keep  it  from  being  hurt. 
The  ceremonies  at  my  departure  were  too  many  te 
trouble  the  reader  with  at  this  time. 


A    VO1  LGE    TO    LILLIPUT.  187 

I  t,tored  the  boat  with  the  carcasses  of  a  hundred 
oxeii  and  three  hundred  sheep,  with  bread  and  drink 
"proportionable,  and  as  much  meat  ready-dressed  as 
four  hundred  cooks  could  provide.  I  took  with  me 
six  cows  and  two  bulls  alive,  with  as  many  ewes  and 
rams,  intending  to  carry  them  into  my  own  country, 
and  propagate  the  breed  ;  and  to  feed  them  on  board, 
I  had  a,  good  bundle  of  hay,  and  a  bag  of  corn.  I 
would  gladly  have  taken  a  dozen  of  the  natives,  but 
this  was  a  thing  th<$  emperor  would  by  no  means  per- 
mit ;  and  besides  a  diligent  search  into  my  pockets, 
his  majesty  engaged  my  honour  "  not  to  carry  away 
any  of  his  subjects,  although  with  their  own  consent 
and  desire." 

Having  thus  prepared  all  things  as  well  as  I  was 
able,  I  set  sail,  on  the  twenty-fourth  day  of  September 
1701,  at  six  in  the  morning  ;  and  when  I  had  gone 
about  four  leagues  to  the  northward,  the  wind  being 
at  south-east,  at  six  in  the  evening,  I  descried  a  small 
island,  about  half  a  league  to  the  north-west.  I  ad- 
vanced forward,  and  cast  anchor  on  the  lee  side  of 
the  island,  which  seemed  to  be  uninhabited.  I  then 
took  some  refreshment,  and  went  to  my  rest.  I  slept 
well,  and  as  I  conjecture  at  least  six  hours,  for  I  found 
the  day  broke  in  two  hours  after  I  awaked.  It  was  a 
clear  night.  I  ate  my  breakfast  before  the  sun  was 
up  ;  and  heaving  anchor,  the  wind  being  favourable, 
I  steered  the  same  course  that  I  had  done  the  day  be- 
fore, wherein  I  was  directed  by  my  pocket-compass. 
My  intention  was  to  reach,  if  possible,  one  of  those 
islands  which  I  had  reason  to  believe  lay  to  the  north 


188  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

east  of  Van  Diemen's  Land.  I  discovered  nothing 
all  that  day;  but  upon  the  next,  about  three  in  the 
afternoon,  when  I  had,  by  my  computation,  made 
twenty-four  leagues  from  Blefuscu,  1  descried  a  sail 
steering  to  the  south-east ;  my  course  was  due  east. 
I  hailed  her*;  but  could  get  no  answer;  yet  I  found  1 
gained  upon  her,  for  the  wind  slackened.  I  made  all 
the  sail  I  could,  and  in  half  an  hour  she  spied  me, 
then  hung  out  her  ancient,  and  discharged  a  gun.  It 
is  not  easy  to  express  the  joy  I  was  in,  upon  the  un- 
exp'ected  hope  of  once  more  seeing  my  beloved 
country,  and  the  dear  pledges  I  left  in  it.  The  ship 
slackened  her  sails,  and  I  came  up  with  her  between 
five  and  six  in  the  evening,  September  26  ;  but  my 
heart  leaped  within  me  to  see  her  English  colours.  I 
put  my  cows  and  sheep  into  my  coat-pockets,  and  got 
on  board  with  all  my  little  cargo  of  provisions.  The 
vessel  was  an  English  merchantman,  retuining  from 
Japan  by  the  North  and  South  Seas  ;  the  captain, 
Mr.  John  Biddel  of  Deptford,  a  very  civil  man  and 
an  excellent  sailor.  We  were  now  in  the  latitude  of 
30  degrees  south ;  there  were  about  fifty  men  in  the 
ship  ;  and  here  I  met  an  old  comrade  of  mine,  one 
Peter  Williams,  who  gave  me  a  good  character  to  the 
captain.  This  gentleman  treated  me  with  kindness, 
and  desired  I  would  let  him  know  what  place  I  came 
from  last,  and  whither  I  was  bound  ;  which  I  did  in 
a  few  words,  but  he  thought  I  was  raving,  and  that 
the  dangers  I  had  underwent1  had  disturbed  my  head  ; 
whereupon  I  took  my  black  cattle  and  sheep  out  of 

1  "I  underwent,"  is  not  English  ;  it  should  haye  been  "  I  ha<J 
undergone     or  "  I  underwent." 


A  VOYAGE  TO  LILLIPUT.  139 

my  pocket,  which,  after  great  astonishment,  clearly 
convinced  him  of  my  veracity.  I  then  showed  him 
the  gold  given  me  by  the  emperor  of  Blefuscu,  to- 
gether with  his  majesty's  picture  at  full  ^ngth,  and 
some  other  rarities  of  that  country.  I  gave  him  two 
purses  of  two  hundred  sprugs  each,  and  promised, 
when  we  arrived  in  England,  to  make  him  a  present 
of  a  cow,  and  a  sheep  big  with  young. 

I  shall  not  trouble  the  reader  with  a  particular 
account  of  this  voyage,  which  was  very  prosperous 
for  the  most  part.  We  arrived  in  the  Downs  on*  the 
13th  of  April  1702.  I  had  only  one  misfortune,  that 
the  rats  on  board  carried  away  one  of  my  sheep:  I 
found  her  bones  in  a  hole,  picked  clean  from  the  flesh. 
The  rest  of  my  cattle  I  got  safe  ashore,  and  set  them 
a-grazing  on  a  bowling-green  at  Greenwich,  where 
the  fineness  of  the  grass  made  them  feed  very  heartily, 
though  I  had  always  feared  the  contrary:  neither 
could  I  possibly  have  preserved  them  in  so  long  a 
voyage,  if  the  captain  had  not  allowed  me  some  of  his 
best  biscuit,  which,  rubbed  to  powder,  and  mingled 
with  water,  was  their  constant  food.  The  short  time 
I  continued  in  England,  I  made  a  considerable  profit 
by  showing  my  cattle  to  many  persons  of  quality  and 
others;  and  before  I  began  my  second  voyage  I  sold  them 
for  six  hundred  pounds.  Since  my  last  return  I  find  the 
breed  is  considerably  increased,  especially  the  sheep, 
which  I  hope  will  prove  much  to  the  advantage  of  the 
woollen  manufacture,  by  the  fineness  of  the  fleeces.1 

1  This  is  a  passing  sarcasm  on  the  numerous  acts  of  parliament 
tax  encouraging  the  woollen  manufactures,  and  the  various 


190  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

I  stayed  but  two  months  with  my  wife  and  family, 
for  my  insatiable  desire  of  seeing  foreign  countries 
would  suffer  me  to  continue  no  longer.  I  left  fifteen 
hundred  pounds  with  my  wife,  and  fixed  her  in  a 
good  house  at  Redriff.  My  remaining  stock  I  carried 
with  me,  part  in  money  and  part  in  goods,  in  hopes  to 
improve  my  fortunes.  My  eldest  uncle  John  had  left 
me  an  estate  in  land  near  Epping  of  about  thirty 
pounds  a  year,  and  I  had  a  long  lease  of  the  Black 
Bull  in  Fetter-lane,  which  yielded  me  as  much  more  ; 
so  that  I  was  not  in  any  danger  of  leaving  my  family 
upon  the  parish.  My  son  Johnny,  named  so  after  his 
uncle,  was  at  the  grammar-school,  and  a  towardly 
child.  My  daughter  Betty  (who  is  now  well  mar- 
ried,  and  has  children)  was  then  at  her  needlework. 
I  took  leave  of  my  wife  and  boy  and  girl,  with  tears 
on  both  sides,  and  went  on  board  the  Adventure,  a 
merchant  ship  of  three  hundred  tons,  bound  for  Surat, 
Captain  John  Nicholas,  of  Liverpool,  commander. 
But  my  account  of  this  voyage  must  be  referred  to 
the  Second  Part  of  my  Travels. 

schemes  proposed  in  Swift's  time  for  improving  the  growth  and 
fineness  of  wool.  There  is  probably  no  other  subject  on  which 
greater  blunders  have  been  made  in  commercial  legislation  thai» 
the  English  woollen  trade,  nor  any  which  more  clearly  shows  the 
futility  of  protecting  duties  and  direct  encouragement  from  par- 
liament. Swift  provoked  the  indignation  of  the  party  in  power, 
by  protesting  earnestly  against  the  commercial  jealousy  which 
annihilated  the  woollen  manufactures  of  Ireland,  under  pretence 
of  their  interfering  with  the  staple  manufacture  of  England  ;  but 
wool  was  the  favourite  hobby  of  his  day,  and  projects  for  ex- 
tending the  trade  formed  no  small  part  of  the  bubbles  of  1720. 


TO  QUINBUS  FLESTRIN,  THE  MAN-MOUNTAIN 


BY  TITTY  TIT,  ESQ. 


Translated  into  English 


In  amaze, 
Lost,  I  gaze ! 
Can  our  eyes 
Reach  thy  size  ? 
May  my  lays 
Swell  with  praise  1 
Worthy  thee! 
Worthy  me ! 
Muse  inspire 
All  thy  fire. 
Bards  of  old 
•X  him  told, 
When  they  saia 
Atlas'  head 
Propp'd  the  skies  : 
See,  and  believe  your  eye*. 

See  him  stride 
Valleys  wide : 
Over  woods, 
Over  floods, 
When  he  treads, 
Mountains'  heads 


192         ODE  TO  QUINBUS  FLESTBIN. 

Groan  and  shake ; 
Armies  quake, 
Lest  his  spurn 
Overturn 
Man  and  steed : 
Troops  take  heed . 
Left  and  right, 
Speed  your  flight 
Lest  an  host 
Beneath  his  foot  be  lo»t, 

Turn'd  aside 
Prom  his  hide, 
Safe  from  wound 
Darts  rebound; 
From  his  nose 
Clouds  he  blows; 
When  he  speaks 
Thunder  breaks! 
When  he  eats, 
Famine  threats; 
*  When  he  drinks, 

Neptune  shrinks  f 
Nigh  thy  ear, 
In  mid  air, 
On  thy  hand 
Let  me  stand, 
So  shall  I, 
Lofty  ooet,  touch  toe  «cy. 


GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 


VOYAGE  TO  BROBDINGNAG. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  BROBDINGNAG.1 


CHAPTER  I. 

A  great  storm  descried;  the  longboat  sent  to  fetch  water,  the  author  goes  with, 
it  to  discover  the  oxinntry.— He  is  left  on  shore,  is  seized  by  one  of  the  natives 
and  carried  to  a  farmer's  house. — His  reception,  with  several  accidents  thai 
happeued  there.  —A  description  of  the  inhabitants. 

AN  active  and  restless  life  having  been  assigned 
me  by  nature  and  fortune,  in  tv\*o  months  after  my 
return  I  again  left  rny  native  country,  and  took  ship- 
ping in  the  Downs,  on  the  20th  day  of  June,  1702,  in 
the  Adventure,  Captain  John  Nicholas,  aCornishman, 
commander,  bound  for  Surat.  We  had  a  very  pros- 
perous gale,  till  we  arrived  at  the  Cape  of  Good 
Hope,  where  we  landed  for  fresh  water  ;  but  discover- 

1  The  existence  of  giants  as  a  distinct  race,  superior  in  strength 
and  stature  Jo  the  rest  of  mankind,  was  long  maintained  as  an 
article  of  faith,  not  merely  by  the  ignorant  and  vulgar,  but  by  men 
of  learning.  According  to  the  Rabbins,  Adam  was  not  only  the 
first  but  the  largest  of  mankind :  they  affirm  that  when  he  was 
created,  his  stature  was  so  great  that  his  head  reached  the 
heavens.  This  so  annoyed  the  angels  that  they  remonstrated 
with  the  Creator,  upon  which  God  placed  his  hand  on  Adam's 
head,  and  he  instantly  shrank  into  one  thousand  cubits.  When  the 
Garden  of  Eden  was  disjoined  from  the  rest  of  the  world,  after 
the  Fall,  by  the  interposition  of  the  ocean,  they  assert  that  Adam 


196  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

ing  a  leak,  we  unshipped  our  goods,  and  wintered 
there  ;  for  the  captain  falling  sick  of  an  ague,  we 
could  not  leave  the  Cape  till  the  end  of  March.  We 
then  set  sail,  and  had  a  good  voyage  till  we  passed 

waded  through  the  depths  to  his  new  habitation,  and  that  Eva 
accompanied  him  without  fear  of  drowning;  which  she  might 
well  do,  if,  as  the  Mohammedan  doctors  tell  us,  when  her  head 
lay  on  a  hill  near  Mecca,  her  knees  rested  on  two  others  in  the 
plain,  more  than  two  bow-shots  asunder. 

Not  only  Jewish  but  Christian  writers  have  maintained  that  a 
gigantic  antediluvian  race  was  produced  by  the  intercourse  be- 
tween "  the  sons  of  God"  and  "  the  daughters  of  men."  (Gen.  vi. 
5.)  And  they  aver,  that  these  giants  were  destroyed  by  the  uni- 
versal deluge.  Hence  the  Douay  version  renders  Job  xxvi.  5: 
"  Behold  the  giants  groan  under  the  waters,  and  they  that  dwell 
with  them.  Hell  is  naked  before  them,  and  there  is  no  cover 
for  perdition."  To  this  sublime  version  the  following  comment 
is  added:  "Giants  were  not  able  to  wade  in  Noah's  flood,  but 
were  drowned  with  the  rest."  The  Rabbins  however  make  an 
exception  in  favour  of  Og,  king  of  Basan,  compared  to  whom, 
according  to  their  legends,  all  other  giants  were  mere  Lillipu- 
tians. The  waters  of  the  deluge,  they  say,  only  reached  to  his 
knees,  and  he  was  alive  at  the  time  of  Exodus,  when  Goc  de- 
stroyed him  by  the  hand  of  Moses.  For  Og,  perceiving  the  ad- 
vance of  the  Israelites,  whose  army  covered  a  space  of  nine  miles, 
cut  a  stone  out  of  a  mountain,  so  wide,  that  it  would  have  covered 
the  whole  army,  and  he  put  it  on  his  head  that  he  might  throw 
it  upon  them.  But  God  sent  a  lapwing  which  pecked  a  hole 
through  the  stone,  so  that  it  slipped  over  Og's  head,  and  hung 
around  his  neck  like  a  necklace.  The  weight  bore  him  to  the 
ground  on  his  face,  and  in  this  condition  he  was  attacked  by 
Moses.  Moses  was  ten  cubits  in  stature,  and  he  took  a  spear 
ten  cubits  long,  and  threw  it  ten  cubits  high,  and  yet  it  only 
reached  Og's  heels.  Moses  however  succeeded  in  slaying  him  ; 
and  when  he  was  dead,  his  body  lay  for  a  whole  year,  reaching 
as  far  as  the  river  Nile  in  Egypt. 

The  feats  of  the  giants  who  warred  against  the  gods  are  suf- 
ficiently inown,  and  they  may  be  passed  over  as  purely  mytho- 


A   VQVAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  19? 

the  Straits  of  Madagascar  ;  but  having  got  northward 
of  that  island,  and  to  about  five  degrees  south  latitude, 
the  winds,  which  in  those  seas  are  observed  to  blow  a 
constant  equal  gale  between  the  north  and  west,  from 

logical.  But  grave  historians  have  recorded  that  Scandinavia 
was  originally  inhabited  by  giants,  one  of  whom,  according  to 
Olaus  Magnus,  was  an  eminent  poet;  and,  unlike  the  rest  of  the 
tuneful  brotherhood,  wrote  against  indulgence  in  love  and  wine, 
Britain,  if  we  may  trust  Grafton's  Chronicle,  was  similarly 
tenanted :  "  Brute  with  his  companie  after  his  first  landing  in 
the  island  at  Totnesse,  searched  and  travailed  throughout  all  the 
land,  and  found  the  same  to  be  marvellous  ryche  and  plentifull 
of  wood  and  pasture,  and  garnished  with  most  goodly  and  pleas 
ant  ryvers  and  stremes;  and  as  he  passed  he  was  encountered  in 
sundry  places  with  a  great  number  of  mightie  and  strong  gyants, 
which  at  that  time  did  inhabite  the  same." 

A  belief  in  the  existence  of  whole  nations  of  giants  is  only  now 
beginning  to  fade  away  before  the  gradual  progress  of  geographi- 
cal discovery.  The  ancients  supposed  that  giants  possessed  the 
interior  of  Africa.  In  the  time  of  Purchas  (A.  D.  1614),  the  In- 
dians of  Virginia  were  supposed  to  belong  to  the  race  of  Anak, 
for  he  gives  the  following  account  of  a  Virginian  tribe,  on  the 
authority  of  Alexander  Whitaker,  an  early  traveller  in  these  re- 
gions, "  The  Sasquesahanockes  are  a  giantly  people,  strange  in 
proportion,  behaviour,  and  attire,  their  voice  sounding  from  them 
as  out  of  a  cave,  their  attire  of  bears'  skins  hanged  with  bears'  paws, 
the  head  of  a  wolf,  and  such  like  jewels ;  and  (if  any  would  have  a 
epoone  to  eat  with  the  divele)  their  tobacco-pipes  were  three  quar- 
ters of  a  yard  long,  carved  at  the  great  end  with  a  bird,  beare,  or 
other  device,  sufficient  to  beat  out  the  braines  of  a  horse,  (and 
how  many  asses'  braines  are  beat  out,  or  rather  men's  brainea 
smoked  out  and  asses'  braines  haled  in,  by  our  lesse  pipes  at 
home?)  the  rest  of  their  furniture  was  suitable.  The  calf  of  one 
of  their  legges  was  measured  three-quarters  of  a  yard  about,  tha 
rest  of  his  limbs  proportionable."  The  exaggerated  accounts  of 
the  Patagonians,  published  by  Magellan  and  Le  Maire,  had  not 
keen  refuted  in  Swift's  time;  so  late  as  1764,  Commodore  Byron 
leclared  that  their  stature  filled  him  with  astonishment.  Hence 
17* 


198  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

the  beginning  of  December  to  the  beginning  of  May, 
on  the  19th  of  April  began  to  blow  with  much  greatei 
violence,  and  more  westerly  than  usual,  continuing 
so  for  twenty  days  together  ;  during  which  time,  we 
were  driven  a  little  to  the  east  of  the  Molucca  Islands, 
and  about  three  degrees  northward  of  the  line,  as  our 
captain  found  by  an  observation  he  took  the  2d  of 
May,  at  which  time  the  wind  ceased,  and  it  was  a  per- 
fect calm  ;  whereat  I  was  not  a  little  rejoiced.  But  he 
being  a  rn.an  well  experienced  in  the  navigation  of 
those  seas,  bid  us  all  prepare  against  a  sfvm,  which 
accordingly  happened  on  the  day  following  ;  for  the 

Brobdingnag,  considered  merely  as  a  fiction,  did  not  seem  so 
extravagant  in  the  early  part  of  the  eighteenth  as  it  does  in  the 
nineteenth  century. 

Lucian  in  his  True  History,  and  Bishop  Godwin  in  his  whim- 
sical account  of  Domingo  Gonsales'  journey  to  the  moon,  have 
introduced  gigantic  races  into  their  fictions.  It  is  very  probable 
that  Swift  took  his  first  hint  of  the  Brobdingnaggians  from  the 
latter;  for,  like  the  bishop,  he  associates  mildness- and  gentleness 
with  enormous  stature.  "Many  of  the  lunarians,"  says  the 
author  of  the  World  in  the  Moon,  "  live  wonderful  long,  even  be- 
ynd  belief;  affirming  to  me  that  some  survived  thirty  thousand 
moons,  which  is  above  a  thousand  years ;  and  this  is  generally 
noted,  that  the  taller  people  are  of  stature,  the  more  excellent  are 
their  endowments  of  mind,  and  the  longer  time  they  live  ;  for 
their  stature  is  very  different,  great  numbers  not  much  exceeding 
ours,  who  seldom  live  above  a  thousand  moons,  which  is  fourscore 
of  our  years.  These  they  account  base  unworthy  creatures,  but  one 
degree  above  brute  beasts,  and  employ  them  in  mean  and  servile 
offices,  calling  them  bastards,  counterfeits,  or  changelings.  Those 
whom  they  account  true  natural  lunars,  or  moon-men,  exceed  curs 
generally  thirty  times,  both  in  quantity  of  body  and  length  of  life, 
proportionable  to  the  quality  of  the  day  in  botl'.  worlds ;  their* 
containing  almost  thirty  of  our  days." 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  199 

southern  wind,  called  the  southern  monsoon,  began  to 
set  in. 

Finding  it  was  likely  to  overblow,1  we  took  in  our 
sprit-sail,  and  stood  by  to  hand  the  fore-sail ;  but, 
making  foul  weather,  we  looked  that  the  guns  were  all 
fast,  and  handed  the  mizen.  The  ship  lay  very  broad 
off,  so  we  thought  it  better  spooning  before  the  sea, 
than  trying  or  hulling.  We  reefed  the  fore-sail  and 
set  him,  and  hauled  aft  the  foresheet ;  the  helm  was 
hard-a-weather.  The  ship  wore  bravely.  We  be- 
layed the  fore  down-haul ;  but  the  sail  was  split,  and 
we  hauled  down  the  yard,  and  got  the  sail  into  the  ship, 
and  unbound  all  the  things  clear  of  it.  It  was  a  very 
fierce  storm ;  the  sea  broke  strange  and  dangerous. 
We  hauled  off  upon  the  laniard  of  the  whip-staff,  and 
helped  the  man  at  the  helm.  '  We  would  not  get 
down  our  topmast,  but  let  all  stand,  because  she  scud- 
ded before  the  sea  very  well,  and  we  knew  that  the 
topmast  being  aloft,  the  ship  was  the  wholesomer,  and 
made  better  way  through  the  sea,  seeing  we  had  sea- 
room.  When  the  storm  was  over,  we  set  fore-sail 
and  main-sail,  and  brought  the  ship  to.  Then  we  set 
the  mizen,  main-top-sail,  and  the  fore- top-sail.  Our 
course  was  east-north-east,  the  wind  was  at  south-west. 
We  got  the  starboard  tacks  aboard,  we  cast  off  our 
weather  braces  and  lifts  ;  we  set  in  the  lee-braces, 
and  hauled  forward  by  the  weather-bowlings,  and 
hauled  them  tight,  and  belayed  them,  and  hauled  over 

1  This  is  a  parody  upon  the  accot  nt  of  storms  and  naval  ma- 
noeuvres frequent  in  old  voyages,  and  is  merely  an  assemblage  oi 
pea-terms  put  together  at  random 


200 


GULL1VSR  S    TRAVELS. 


the  mizen  tack  to  windward,  and  kept  her  full  and  by 
as  near  as  she  would  lie.  During  this  storm,  which 
was  followed  by  a  strong  wind  west-south-west,  we 


were  carried,  by  my  computation,  about  five  hundred 
leagues  to  the  east,  so  that  the  oldest  sailor  on  board 
could  not  tell  in  what  part  of  the  world  we  were.  Our 
provisions  held  out  well,  our  ship  was  staunch,  and 
our  crew  all  in  good  health ;  but  we  lay  in  the  utmost 


A   VOYAGE   TO   BROBDINGNAG.  20} 

distress  for  water.  We  thought  it  best  to  hold  on  the 
same  course,  rather  than  turn  more  northerly,  which 
might  have  brought  us  to  the  north-west  part  of  Great 
Tartary,  and  into  the  Frozen  Sea. 

On  the  16th  day  of  June  1703,  a  boy  on  the  top- 
mast  discovered  land.  On  the  17th,  we  came  in  full 
view  of  a  great  island,  or  continent  (for  we  knew  not 
whether)  ;  on  the  south  side  whereof  was  a  small 
neck  of  land  jutting  out  into  the  sea,  and  a  creek  too 
shallow  to  hold  a  ship  of  above  one  hundred  tons. 
We  cast  anchor  within  a  league  of  this  creek,  and  our 
captain  sent  a  dozen  of  his  men  well  armed  in  the  long 
boat,  with  vessels  for  water,  if  any  could  be  found. 
I  desired  his  leave  to  go  with  them,  that  I  might  see 
the  country,  and  make  what  discoveries  I  could. 
When  we  came  to  land,  we  saw  no  river,  or  spring, 
nor  any  sign  of  inhabitants.  Our  men  therefore  wan- 
dered  on  the  shore  to  rind  out  some  fresh  water  near 
the  sea,  and  I  walked  alone  about  a  mile  on  the  other 
side,  where  I  observed  the  country  all  barren  and 
rocky.  I  now  began  to  be  weary,  and  seeing  nothing 
to  entertain  my  curiosity,  I  returned  gently  down  to- 
wards the  creek  ;  and  the  sea  being  full  in  my  view, 
I  saw  our  men  already  got  into  the  boat,  and  rowing 
for  life  to  the  ship.  I  was  going  to  holla  after  them, 
enough  it  had  been  to  little  purpose,  when  I  observed 
a  huge  creature  walking  after  them  in  the  sea,  as  fast 
as  he  could  :  he  waded  not  much  deeper  than  his 
knees,  and  took  prodigious  strides  :  but  our  men  had 
the  start  of  him  half  a  league,  and  the  sea  thereabouts 
being  full  of  sharp  p  inted  rocks,  the  monster  was  not 


2O2  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

able  to  overtake  the  boat.  This  I  was  afterwards  told, 
for  I  durst  not  stay  to  see  the  issue  of  the  adventure, 
but  ran  as  fast  as  I  could  the  way  I  rifst  went,  and 
then  climbed  up  a  steep  hill,  which  gave  me  some 
prospect  of  the  country.  I  found  it  fully  cultivated  ; 
but  that  which  first  surprised  me  was  the  length  of  the 
grass,  which,  in  those  grounds  that  seemed  to  be  kept 
for  hay,  was  about  twenty  feet  high. 

I  fell  into  a  high  road,  for  so  I  took  it  to  be,  though 
*t  served  to  the  inhabitants  only  as  a  footpath  through 
a  field  of  barley.  Here  I  walked  on  for  some  time, 
but  could  see  little  on  either  side,  it  being  now  near 
harvest,  and  the  corn  rising  at  least  forty  feet.  I  was 
an  hour  walking  to  the  end  of  this  field,  which  was 
fenced  in  with  a  hedge  of  at  least  one  hundred  and 
twenty  feet  high,  and  the  trees  so  lofty  that  I  could 
make  no  computation  of  their  altitude.  There  was  a 
stile  to  pass  from  this  field  into  the  next.  It  had  four 
steps,  and  a  stone  to  cross  over  when  you  come  to  the 
uppermost.  It  was  impossible  for  me  to  climb  this 
stile,  because  every  step  was  six  feet  high,  and  the 
upper  stone  about  twenty.  I  was  endeavouring  to  find 
some  gap  in  the  hedge,  when  I  discovered  one  of  the 
inhabitants  in  the  next  field,  advancing  towards  the 
stile,  of  the  same  size  with  him  whom  I  saw  in  the 
sea.  pursuing  our  boat.  He  appeared  as  tall  as  an  or- 
dinary spire  steeple,  and  took  about  ten  yards  at  every 
stride,  as  near  as  I  could  guess.  I  was  struck  with 
the  utmost  fear  and  astonishment,  and  ran  to  hide  my. 
self  in  the  corn,  whence  I  saw  him  at  the  top  of  the 
•tile  looking  back  into  the  next  ;eld  on  the  right  hand, 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDrNGNAG.  203 

and  heard  him  call  in  a  voice  many  degrees  louder 
than  a  speaking-trumpet ;  but  the  noise  was  so  high 
'n  the  air,  that  at  first  I  certainly  thought  it  was  thun- 
der. Whereupon  seven  monsters,  like  himself,  came 
towards  him,  with  reaping-hooks  in  their  hands,  each 
hook  about  the  largeness  of  six  scythes.  These  peo- 
ple were  not  so  well  clad  as  the  first,  whose  servants 
or  labourers  they  seemed  to  be  ;  for,  upon  some  words 
he  spoke,  they  went  to  reap  the  corn  in  the  field  where 
[  lay.  I  kept  from  them  at  as  great  a  distance  as  I 
eould,  but  was  forced  to  move  with  extreme  difficulty, 
for  the  stalks  of  the  corn  were  sometimes  not  above  a 
foot  distant,  so  that  I  could  hardly  squeeze  my  body 
betwixt  them.  However  I  made  a  shift  to  go  forwardj 
till  I  came  to  a  part  of  the  field  where  the  corn  had 
been  laid  by  the  rain  and  wind.  Here  it  was  impos- 
sible for  me  to  advance  a  step ;  for  the  stalks  were  so 
interwoven,  that  I  could  not  creep  through,  and  the 
beards  of  tha  fallen  ears  so  strong  and  pointed,  that 
they  pierced  through  my  clothes  into  my  flesh.  At 
the  same  time  I  heard  the  reapers  not  above  a  hundred 
yards  behind  me.  Being  quite  dispirited  with  toil, 
and  wholly  overcome  by  grief  and  despair,  I  lay  down 
between  two  ridges,  and  heartily  wished  I  might  there 
end  my  days.  I  bemoaned  my  desolate  widow  and 
fatherless  children.  I  lamented  my  own  folly  and 
wilfulness,  in  attempting  a  second  voyage,  against  tht, 
advice  of  all  my  friends  and  relations.  In  this  terri- 
ble agitation  of  mind,  I  could  not  forbear  thinking  of 
Lilliput,  whose  inhabitants  looked  upon  me  as  the 
greatest  prodigy  that  eve  *  appeared  in  the  world ; 


204  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

where  I  was  able  to  draw  an  imperial  fleet  in  ny  hand, 
and  perform  those  other  actions,  which  will  be  record, 
ed  for  ever  in  the  chronicles  of  that  empire,  while 
posterity  shall  hardly  believe  them,  although  attested 
by  millions.  I  reflected  what  a  mortification  it  must 
prove  to  me  to  appear  as  inconsiderable  in  this  nation, 
as  one  single  Lilliputian  would  be  among  us.  But  this 
I  conceived  was  to  be  the  least  of  my  misfortunes  ;  for, 
as  human  creatures  are  observed  to  be  more  savage 
and  cruel  in  proportion  to  their  bulk,  what  could  I 
expect  but  to  be  a  morsel  in  the  mouth  of  the  first 
among  these  enormous  barbarians  that  should  happen 
to  seize  me  ?  Undoubtedly  philosophers  are  in  the 
right  when  they  tell  us  that  nothing  is  great  or  little 
otherwise  than  by  comparison.  It  might  have  pleased 
fortune,  to  have  let  the  Lilliputians  find  some  nation 
where  the  people  were  as  diminutive  with  respect  to 
them,  as  they  were  to  me.  And  who  knows  but  that 
even  this  prodigious  race  of  mortals  might  be  equally 
overmatched  in  some  distant  part  of  the  world,  where- 
of we  have  yet  no  discovery?1 

Scared  and  confounded  as  I  was,  I  could  not  forbear 
going  on  with  these  reflections,  when  one  of  the  reap, 
ers  approaching  within  ten  yards  of  the  ridge  where 
I  lay,  made  me  apprehend  that  with  the  next  step  I 
should  be  squashed  to  death  unde;  his  foot,  or  cut  in 

1  The  satire  in  the  account  of  the  Voyage  to  Lilliput  is  for  tho 
most  part  personal,  but  in  the  account  of  Brobdingnag  the  satire  is 
general,  and  directed  against  institutions  rather  than  individuals. 
There  are,  however,  a  few  sarcastic  hits  in  the  account  given  of 
vhe  court  of  Brobdingnag,  which  bore  hard  on  the  statesmen  of 
tne  day.- -Percy,  Bishop  qf  Dromore,  MS. 


%      A    VOYAGE   TO    BROBDINGNAG.  205 

two  with  his  reaping  hook.  And  therefore,  when  ha 
was  again  about  to  move,  I  screamed  as  loud  as  fear 
could  make  me  ;  whereupon  the  huge  creature  trod 
short,  and  looking  round  about  under  him  for  some 
time,  at  last  espied  me  as  I  lay  on  the  ground.  He 
considered  awhile,  with  the  caution  of  one  who  endea- 
vours to  lay  hold  on  a  small  dangerous  animal  in  such  a 
manner  that  it  shall  not  be  able  either  to  scratch  or  bite 
him,  as  I  myself  have  sometimes  done  with  a  weasel 
in  England.  At  length  he  ventured  to  take  me  behind, 
by  the  middle,  between  his  forefinger  and  thumb,  and 
brought  me  within  three  yards  of  his  eyes,  that  he 
might  behold  my  shape  more  perfectly.  I  guessed 
his  meaning,  and  my  good  fortune  gave  me  so  much 
presence  of  mind,  that  I  resolved  not  to  struggle  in  the 
least  as  he  held  me  in  the  air  above  sixty  feet  from  the 
ground,  although  he  grievously  pinched  my  sides,  for 
fear  I  should  slip  through  his  fingers.  All  I  ventured 
was  to  raise  mine  eyes  towards  the  sun,  and  place  my 
hands  together  in  a  supplicating  posture,  and  to  speak 
some  words  in  an  humble  melancholy  tone,  suitable 
to  the  condition  I  then  was  in  ;  for  I  apprehended 
every  moment  that  he  would  dash  me  against  the 
ground,  as  we  usually  do  any  little  hateful  animal 
which  we  have  a  mind  to  destroy.  But  my  good  star 
would  have  it  that  he  appeared  pleased  with  my  voice 
and  gestures,  and  began  to  look  upon  me  as  a  curios, 
ity.  much  wondering  to  hear  me  pronounce  articulate 
words,  although  he  could  not  understand  them.  In 
the  mean  time  I  was  not  able  to  forbear  groaning  and 
•bedding  tears,  and  turning  my  head  towards  my 
18 


206 


GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 


sides ;  letting  him  know,   as  well  as  I  could,  how 
cruelly  I  was  hurt  by  the  pressure  of  his  thumb  and 


A   VOYAGE    TO   IEOBDINGNAG.  207 

finger.  He  seemed  to  apprehend  my  meaning ;  for, 
lifting  up  the  lappet  of  his  coat,  he  put  me  gently 
into  it,  and  immediately  ran  along  with  me  to  his 
master,  who  was  a  substantial  farmer,  and  the  same 
person  I  had  first  seen  in  the  field. 

The  farmer  having  (as  I  suppose  by  their  talk)  re- 
ceived  such  an  account  of  me  as  his  servant  could 
give  him,  took  a  piece  of  a  small  straw,  about  the 
size  of  a  walking-staff,  and  therewith  lifted  up  the 
lappets  of  my  coat  j  which,  it  seems,  he  thought  to  be 
some  kind  of  covering  that  nature  had  given  me.  He 
blew  my  hair  aside  to  take  a  better  .view  of  my  face. 
He  called  his  hinds  about  him,  and  asked  them,  as  I 
afterwards  learned,  "  Whether  they  had  ever  seen  in 
the  fields  any  little  creature  that  resembled  me  ?"  he 
then  placed  me  softly  on  the  ground  on  all  fours,  but 
I  immediately  got  up,  and  walked  slowly  backward 
and  forward,  to  let  those  people  see  I  had  no  intent 
to  run  away.  They  all  sat  down  in  a  circle  about 
me,  the  belter  to  observe  my  motions.  I  pulled  off  my 
hat,  and  made  a  low  bow  towards  the  farmer.  I  fell 
on  my  knees,  and  lifted  up  my  hands  and  eyes,  and 
spoke  several  words  as  loud  as  I  could  ;  I  took  a  purse 
of  gold  out  of  my  pocket,  and  humbly  presented  it  to 
him.  He  received  it  on  the  p'alm  of  his  hand,  and 
then  applied  it  close  to  his  eye  to  see  what  it  was,  and 
afterwards  turned  it  several  times  with  the  point  of  a 
pin  (which  he  took  out  of  his  sleeve),  but  could  make 
nothing  of  it.  Whereupon  I  made  a  sign  that  he 
should  place  his  hand  on  the  ground.  I  then  took  the 
purse,  and  opening  it,  poured  all  the  gold  into  hia 


20$  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

palm.  There  were  six  Spanish  pieces  of  four  pistole* 
each,  besides  twenty  or  thirty  smaller  coins.  I  saw 
him  wet  the  tip  of  his  little  finger  upon  his  tongue, 
and  take  up  one  of  my  largest  pieces,  and  then  anoth- 
er; but  he  seemed  to  be  wholly  ignorant  what  they 
were.  He  made  me  a  sign  to  put  them  again  into 
my  purse,  and  the  purse  again  into  my  pocket,  which, 
after  offering  it  to  him  several  times,  T  thought  it  best 
to  do. 

The  farmer,  by  this  time,  was  convinced  I  must  be 
a  rational  creature.  He  spoke  often  to  me ;  but  the 
sound  of  his  voice  pierced  my  ears  like  that  of  a 
water-mill,  yet  his  words  were  articulate  enough.  I 
answered  as  loud  as  I  could  in  several  languages,  and 
he  often  laid  his  ear  within  two  yards  of  me ;  but  all 
in  vain,  for  we  were  wholly  unintelligible  to  each 
other.  He  then  sent  his  servants  to  their  work,  and 
taking  his  handkerchief  out  of  his  pocket,  he  doubled 
and  spread  it  on  his  left  hand,  which  he  placed  flat 
on  the  ground  with  the  palm  upward,  making  me  a 
sign  to  step  into  it,  as  I  could  easily  do,  for  it  was  not 
above  a  foot  in  thickness.  I  thonght  it  my  part  to 
obey,  and,  for  fear  of  falling,  laid  myself  at  full  length 
upon  the  handkerchief,  with  the  remainder  of  which 
he  lapped  me  up  to  the  head  for  farther  security,  and 
in  this  manner  carried  me  home  to  his  house.  There 
he  called  his  wife,  and  showed  me  to  her;  but  she 
screamed  and  ran  back,  as  women  in  England  do  at 
the  sight  of  a  toad  or  a  spider.  However,  when  she 
had  awhile  seen  my  behaviour,  and  how  well  I  ob 
served  the  signs  her  husband  made,  she  was  soon 


A.   VOYAGE   TO    BROBDINGNAG.  20& 

reconciled,  and  by  degrees  grew  extremely  tender  of 
me. 

It  was  about  twelve  at  noon,  and  a  servant  brought 
in  dinner.  It  was  only  one  substantial  dish  of  meat 
(fit  for  the  plain  condition  of  a  husbandman),  in  a 
dish  of  about  four-and-twenty  feet  diameter.  The 
company  were,  the  farmer  and  his  wife,  three  children, 
and  an  old  grandmother.  When  they  were  sat  down, 
the  farmer  placed  me  at  some  distance  from  him  on 
the  table,  which  was  thirty  feet  high  from  the  floor.  I 
was  in  a  terrible  fright,  and  kept  as  far  as  I  could 
from  the  edge,  for  fear  of  falling.  The  wife  minced 
a  bit  of  meat,  then  crumbled  some  bread  on  a  trencher, 
and  placed  it  before  me.  I  made  her  a  low  bow,  took 
out  my  knife  and  fork,  and  fell  to  eat,  which  gave 
them  exceeding  delight.  The  mistress  sent  her  maid 
for  a  small  dram  cup,  which  held  about  two  gallons, 
and  filled  it  with  drink  ;  [  took  up  the  vessel  with 
much  difficulty  in  both  hands,  and  in  a  most  respect- 
ful manner  drank  to  her  ladyship's  health,  expressing 
the  words  as  loud  as  I  could  in  English,  which  made 
the  company  laugh  so  heartily  that  I  was  almost  deaf- 
ened  with  the  noise.  This  liquor  tasted  like  a  small 
cider,  and  was  not  unpleasant.  Then  the  master 
made  me  a  sign  to  come  to  his  trencher  side  ;  but  as 
I  walked  on  the  table,  being  at  great  surprise  all  the 
time,  as  the  indulgent  reader  will  easily  conceive  and 
excuse,  I  happened  to  stumble  against  a  crust,  and 
fell  flat  on  my  face,  but  received  no  hurt.  I  got  up 
immediately,  and  observing  the  good  people  to  be  in 
much  concern,  I  took  my  hat  (which  I  held  under  my 
18* 


210  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

arm  out  of  good  manners),  and  waving  it  over  my 
head,  gave  three  huzzas,  to  show  I  had  got  no  mis- 
chief by  my  fall.  But  advancing  forwards  towards 
my  master  (as  I  shall  henceforth  call  him),  his  young- 
est son,  who  sat  next  to  him,  an  arch  boy  of  about  ten 
years  old,  took  me  up  by  the  legs,  and  held  me  so  high 
in  the  air  that  I  trembled  every  limb;  but  his  father 
snatched  me  from  him,  and  at  the  same  time  gave  him 
such  a  box  on  the  left  ear,  as  would  have  felled  an 
European  troop  of  horse  to  the  earth,  ordering  him  to 
be  taken  from  the  table.  But  being  afraid  the  boy 
might  owe  me  a  spite,  and  well  remembering  how 
mischievous  all  children  among  us  naturally  are  to 
sparrows,  rabbits,  young  kittens,  and  puppy  dogs,  I 
fell  on  my  knees,  and  pointing  to  the  boy,  made  my 
master  to  understand  as  well  as  I  could,  that  I  desired 
his  son  might  be  pardoned.  The  father  complied,  and 
the  lad  took  his  seat  again,  whereupon  I  went  to  him, 
and.  kissed  his  hand,  which  my  master  took,  and  made 
him  stroke  me  gently  with  it. 

In  the  midst  of  dinner,  my  mistress's  favourite  cat 
leaped  into  her  lap.  I  heard  a  noise  behind  me  like 
that  of  a  dozen  stocking- weavers  at  work  ;  and  turn- 
ing  my  head,  I  found  it  proceeded  from  the  purring 
of  that  a-nimal,  who  seemed  to  be  three  times  larger 
than  an  ox,  as  I  computed  by  the  view  of  her  head,  and 
one  of  her  paws,  while  her  mistress  was  feeding  and 
stroking  her.  The  fierceness  of  thisvcreature'scoun. 
tenance  altogether  discomposed  me;  though  I  stood 
at  the  farther  end  of  the  table,  above  fifty  feet  off, 
and  though  rny  mistress  held  her  fast,  for  fear  shi 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG. 


211 


might  give  a  spring,  and  seize  me  in  her  talons.  But 
it  happened  there  was  no  danger,  for  the  cat  took  not 
the  least  notice  of  me,  when  my  master  placed  me 
within  three  yards  of  her.  And  as  I  have  been 
always  told,  and  found  true  by  experience  in  my 
travels,  that  flying  or  discovering  fear  before  a  fierce 
animal,  is  a  certain  way  to  make  it  pursue  or  attack 
you,  so  I  resolved,  in  this  dangerous  juncture,  to  show 
no  manner  of  concern.  I  walked  with  intrepidity 
five  or  six  times  before  the  very  head  of  the  cat,  and 


came  within  half  a  yard  of  her ;  whereupon  she 
drew  herself  back,  as  if  she  were  more  afraid  of  me. 
I  had  less  apprehension  concerning  the  dogs,  whereof 
three  or  four  came  into  the  room,  as  it  is  usual  in 
farmer's  houses  ;  one  of  which  was  a  mastiff",  equal 
in  bulk  to  four  elephants,  and  a  greyhound  somewhat 
taller  than  the  mastiff,  but  not  so  large. 


GULLIVER  S   TRAVELS. 

When  dinner  was  almost  done,  the  nurse  came  in 
with  a  child  of  a  year  old  in  her  arms,  who  immedi. 
ately  spied  me,  and  began  a  squall  that  you  might 
have  heard  from  London  Bridge  to  Chelsea,  after  the 
usual  oratory  of  infants,  to  get  me  for  a  plaything. 
The  mother  out  of  pure  indulgence,  took  me  up,  and 
put  me  towards  the  child,  who  presently  seized  me  by 
the  middle,  and  got  my  head  into  his  mouth,  where  I 
roared  so  loud  that  the  urchin  was  frighted,  and  let  me 
drop,  and  I  should  infallibly  have  broke  my  neck,  if 
the  mother  had  not  held  her  apron  under  me.  The 
nurse,  to  quiet  her  babe  made  use  of  a  rattle,  which 
was  a  kind  of  hollow  vessel  rilled  with  great  stones, 
and  fastened  by  a  cable  to  the  child's  waist ;  but  all 
in  vain  ;  so  that  she  was  forced  to  apply  the  last 
remedy  by  giving  it  suck.  I  must  confess  no  object 
ever  disgusted  me  so  much  as  the  sight  of  her  mon-  , 
strous  breast,  which  I  ca.nnot  tell  what  to  compare 
with,  so  as  to  give  the  curious  reader  an  idea  of 
its  bulk,  shape,  and  colour.  It  stood  prominent  six 
feet,  and  could  not  be  less  than  sixteen  :.n  circumfer- 
ence. The  nipple  was  about  half  the  bigness  of  my 
head,  and  the  hue  both  of  that  and  the  dug,  so  varied 
with  spots,  pimples,  and  freckles,  that  nothing  could 
appear  more  nauseous  :  for  I  had  a  near  sight  of  her, 
she  sitting  down,  the  more  conveniently  to  give  suck, 
and  I  standing  on  the  table.  This  made  me  reflect 
upon  the  fair  skins  of  our  English  ladies,  who  appear 
so  beautiful  to  us,  only  because  they  are  of  our  own 
size,  and  their  defects  not  to  be  seen  but  through  a 
magnifying  glass  ;  where  we  find  by  experiment,  that 


A  VOYAGE  TO  BROBDINGNACf.  213 

the  smoothest  and  whitest  skins  look  rough,  and  coarse, 
and  ill  coloured. 

I  remember,  when  I  was  at  Lilliput,  the  complex- 
ions of  those  diminutive  people  appeared  to  me  the 
fairest  in  the  world  ;  and  talking  upon  the  subject 
with  a  person  of  learning  there,  who  was  an  intimate 
friend  of  mine,  he  said  that  my  face  appeared  much 
fairer  and  smoother  when  he  looked  on  me  fiom  the 
ground,  than  it  did  upon  a  nearer  view,  when  I  took 
him  up  in  my  hand  and  brought  him  close,  which  he 
confessed  was  at  first  a  very  shocking  sight.  He  said 
"  he  could  discover  great  holes  in  my  skin  ;  that  the 
stumps  of  my  beard  were  ten  times  stronger  than  the 
bristles  of  a  boar,  and  my  complexion  made  up  of 
several  colours,  altogether  disagreeable  ;"  although  I 
must  beg  leave  to  say  for  myself,  that  I  am  as  fair  as 
most  of  my  sex  and  country,  and  very  little  sunburnt 
by  all  my  travels.  On  the  other  side,  discoursing  of 
the  ladies  in  that  emperor's  court,  he  used  to  tell  me, 
"  one  had  freckles,  another  too  wide  a  mouth,  a  third 
too  large  a  nose  ;"  nothing  of  which  I  was  able  to 
distinguish.  I  confess  this  reflection  was  obvious 
enough  ;  which,  however,  I  could  not  forbear,  lest  tne 
reader  might  think  those  vast  creatures  were  actually 
deformed  :  for  I  must  do  them  the  justice  to  say,  they 
are  a  comely  race  of  people ;  and  particularly  the 
features  of  my  master's  countenance,  although  he 
were  but  a  farmer,  when  I  beheld  him  from  the  height 
of  sixty  feet,  appeared  very  well  proportioned. 

When  dinner  was  done,  my  master  went  out  to  his 
labourers,  and,  as  I  could  discover  by  his  voice  and 


214  CfTTLLIVER's    TRAVELS. 

gesture,  gave  his  wife  a  strict  charge  to  ta/ce  care  of 
me.  I  was  very  much  tired  and  disposed  to  sleep, 
which  my  mistress  perceiving,  she  put  me  on  her  own 
bed,  and  covered  me  with  a  clean  white  handker- 
chief, but  larger  and  coarser  than  the  mainsail  of  a 
man-of-war. 

I  slept  about  two  hours,  and  dreamt  I  was  at  home 
with  my  wife  and  children,  which  aggravated  my  sor- 
rows  when  I  awaked,1  and  found  myself  alone,  in  a 
vast  room,  between  two  and  three  hundred  feet  wide, 
and  about  two  hundred  high,  lying  in  a  bed  twenty 
yards  wide.  My  mistress  was  gone  about  her  house- 
hold affairs,  and  had  locked  me  in.  The  bed  was  eight 
yards  from  the  floor.  Some  natural  necessities  required 
me  to  get  down.  I  durst  not  presume  to  call  ;  and  if 
I  had,  it  would  have  been  in  vain,  with  such  a  voice  as 
mine,  at  so  great  a  distance  as  from  the  room  where  I 
lay  to  the  kitchen  where  the  family  kept.  While  I  was 
under  these  circumstances,  two  rats  crept  up  the  cur- 
tains, and  ran  smelling  backwards  and  forwards  on 
the  bed.  One  of  them  came  up  almost  to  my  face, 
whereupon  I  rose  in  a  fright,  and  drew  out  my  hanger 
to  defend  myself.  These  horrible  animals  had  the 
boldness  to  attack  me  on  both  sides,  and  one  of  them 
held  his  fore-feet  a?  my  collar ;  but  I  had  the  good 
fortune  to  rip  up  his  belly  before  he  could  do  me  any 
mischief.  He  fell  down  at  my  feet ;  and  the  other, 
seeing  the  fate  of  his  comrade,  made  his  escape,  but 
not  without  one  good  wound  on  the  back,  which  I  gave 

1  This  ought  to  have  been  "  awcke,"  the  preterit  of  the  verb  neu- 
ter, not  "  awaked,"  the  preterit  of  the  verb  active. — Sheridan, 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBPtNGNAG.  215 

him  as  he  fled,  anil  made  the  blood  run  trickling  from 
him.  After  this  exploit,  I  walked  gently  to  and  fro 
on  the  bed,  to  recover  my  breath  and  loss  of  spirits. 
These  creatures  were  of  the  size  of  a  large  mastiff, 
but  infinitely  more  nimble  and  fierce  ;  so  that  if  I  had 
taken  off  my  belt  before  I  went  to  sleep,  I  must  have 
infallibly  been  torn  to  pieces  and  devoured.  I  mea- 
sured the  tail  of  the  dead  rat,  and  found  it  to  be  two 
yards  long,  wanting  an  inch  ;  but  it  went  against  my 
stomach  to  draw  the  carcass  off  the  bed,  where  it  lay 
still  bleeding.  I  observed  it  had  yet  some  life,  but 
with  a  strong  slash  across  the  neck,  1  thoroughly  dis- 
patched it. 

Soon  after,  my  mistress  came  into  the  room,  who 
.seeing  me  all  bloody,  ran  and  took  me  up  in  her  hand. 
I  pointed  to  the  dead  rat,  smiling,  and  making  other 
signs,  to  show  I  was  not  hurl ;  whereat  she  was 
extremely  rejoiced,  calling  the  maid  to  take  up  the 
dead  rat  with  a  pair  of  tongs,  and  throw  it  out  of  the 
window.  Then  she  set  me  on  a  table,  where  I  show- 
ed  her  my  hanger  all  bloody,  and  wiping  it  on  the 
lappet  of  my  coat,  returned  it  to  the  scabbard.  I  was 
pressed  to  do  more  than  one  thing  which  another  could 
not  do  for  me,  and  therefore  endeavoured  to  make  my 
mistress  understand  that  I  desired  to  be  set  down  on 
the  floor ;  which  after  she  had  done,  my  bashfulness 
would  not  suffer  me  to  express  myself  farther,  than 
by  pointing  to  the  door,  and  bowing  several  times. 
The  good  woman,  with  much  difficulty,  at  last  perceiv- 
ed what  I  would  be  at,  and  taking  me  up  again  in  her 
hand,  walked  into  the  garden,  where  she  set  me  down. 


216  GULLIVERS  TRAVELS. 

I  went  on  one  side  about  two  hundred  yards,  and 
beckoning  to  her  not  to  look  or  to  follow  me,  I  hid 
myself  between  two  leaves  of  sorrel,  and  there  dis- 
charged the  necessities  of  nature. 

I  hope  the  gentle  reader  will  excuse  me  for  dwell- 
ing on  these  and  the  like  particulars,  which,  however 
insignificant  they  may  appear  to  grovelling  vulgar 
minds,  yet  will  certainly  help  a  philosopher  to  enlarge 
his  thoughts  and  imagination,  and  apply  them  to  the 
benefit  of  public  as  private  life,  which  was  my  sole 
design  in  presenting  this,  and  other  accounts  of  my 
travels,  to  the  world ;  wherein  I  have  been  chiefly 
studious  of  truth,  without  affecting  any  ornaments  of 
learning  or  of  style.  But  the  whole  scene  of  this 
voyage  made  so  strong  an  impression  on  my  mind,  and 
is  so  deeply  fixed  in  my  memory,  that  in  committing 
it  to  paper  I  did  not  omit  one  material  circumstance ; 
however,  upon  a  strict  review,  I  blotted  out  several 
passages  of  less  moment,  which  were  in  my  first  copy, 
for  fear  of  being  censured  as  tedious  and  trifling, 
whereof  travellers  are  often,  perhaps  not  without 
justice,  accused. 


CHAPTER  II. 

ft.  description  of  the  farmer's  daugKer.— The  author  carried  to  a  market  town 
and  then  to  the  Metropolis.— The  particulars  of  his  journer. 

IViY  mistress  had  a  daughter  of  nine  years  old,  a 
child  of  tovvanlly  parts  for  her  age,  ve.ry  dexterous  at 
her  needle,  and  skilful  in  dressing  her  baby.  Her 
mother  and  she  contrived  to  fit  up  the  baby's  cradle 
for  me  against  night  :  the  cradle  was  put  into  a  small 
drawer  of  a  cabinet,  and  the  drawer  placed  upon  a 
hanging  shelf  for  fear  of  the  rats.  This  was  my  bed  all 
the  time  I  stayed  with  those  people,  though  made  more 
convenient  by  degrees,  as  I  began  to  learn  their  Ian- 
guage  and  make  my  wants  known.  This  young  girl 
was  so  handy,  that  after  I  had  once  or  twice  pulled 
off  my  clothes  before  her,  she  was  able  to  dress  and 
undress  me,  though  I  never  gave  her  that  trouble 
when  she  would  let.  me  do  either  myself.  She  made 
me  seven  shirts,  and  some  other  linen,  of  as  fine  cloth 
as  could  be  got,  which  indeed  was  coarser  than  sack- 
cloth ;  and  these  she  constantly  washed  for  me  with 
her  own  hands.  She  was  likewise  my  school -mistress, 
to  teach  me  the  language  ;  when  I  pointed  to  any 
thing,  she  told  rne  the  name  of  it  in  her  own  tongue, 
so  that  in  a  few  days  I  was  able  to  call  for  whatevei 
19 


213 


GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 


I  had  a  mind  to.     She  was  very  good-natured,  and 
not  above  forty  feet  high,  being  little  for  her  age.     She 


gave  me  the  name  of  GriJdrig,  which  the  family  took 
up,  and  afterwards  the  whole  kingdom.  The  word 
imports  what  the  Latins  call  nanuncuhis,  the  Italians 
homuncelelino,  and  the  English  manikin.  To  her  I 
chiefly  owe  my  preservation  in  that  country;  we  nevei 
parted  while  I  was  there ;  I  called  her  my  Glumdal 
ditch,  or  little  nurse  ;  and  should  be  guilty  of  great 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  219 

Ingratitude,  if  I  omitted  this  honourable  mention  of  hei 
care  and  affection  towards  me,  which  I  heartily  wish 
it  lay  in  my  power  to  requite  as  she  deserves,  instead 
of  being  the  innocent,  but  unhappy  instrument  of  her 
disgrace,  as  I  have  too  much  reason  to  fear. 

It  now  began  to  be  known  and  talked  of  in  the 
neighbourhood,  that  my  master  had  found  a  strange 
animal  in  ihe  field,  about  the  bigness  of  a  splacnuck, 
but  exactly  shaped  in  every  part  like  a  human  crea- 
ture ;  which  it  also  imitated  in  all  its  actions  ;  seemed 
to  speak  in  a  little  language  of  its  own,  had  already 
learned  several  words  of  theirs,  went  erect  upon  two 
legs,  was  tame  and  gentle,  would  come  when  it  was 
called,  do  whatever  it  was  bid,  had  the  finest  limbs  in 
the  world,  and  a  complexion  fairer  than  a  nobleman's 
daughter  of  three  years  old.  Another  farmer,  who 
lived  hard  by,  and  was  a  particular  friend  of  my  mas- 
ter, came  on  a  visit  on  purpose  to  inquire  into  the 
truth  of  this  story.  I  was  immediately  produced,  and 
placed  upon  a  table,  where  I  walked  as  I  was  com- 
manded, drew  my  hanger,  put  it  up  again,  made  my 
reverence  to  my  master's  guest,  asked  him  in  his  own 
language  how  he  did,  and  told  him  he  was  welcome, 
just  as  my  little  nurse  had  instructed  me.  This  man, 
who  was  old  and  dim-sighted,  put  on  his  spectacles  to 
behold  me  better  ;  at  which  I  could  not  forbear  laugh- 
ing very  heartily,  for  his  eyes  appeared  like  the  full 
moon  shining  into  a  chamber  at  two  windows.  Our 
people,  who  discovered  the  cause  of  my  mirth,  bore 
me  company  in  laughing,  at  which  the  o'd  fellow  was 
fool  enough  to  be  angry,  and  out  of  countenance.  He 


220  C-rLLIV£R's    TRAVELS. 

* 

had  the  character  of  a  great  miser  ;  and,  to  my  misfor 
tune,  he  well  deserved  it,  by  the  cursed  advice  he  gave 
my  master,  to  show  me  as  a  sight  upon  a  market-day 
in  the  next  town,  which  was  half  an  hour's  riding, 
about  two  and  twenty  miles  from  our  house.  I  guessed 
there  was  some  mischief  contriving,  when  I  observed 
my  master  and  his  friend  whispering  long  together, 
sometimes  pointing  at  me;  and  my  fears  made  me 
fancy  that  I  overheard  and  understood  some  of  their 
words.  But  the  next  morning  Glumdalclitch,  mj 
little  nurse,  told  me  the  whole  matter,  which  she  had 
cunningly  picked  out  from  her  mother.  The  poor  girl 
laid  me  on  her  bosom,  and  fell  a-weeping  with  shame 
and  grief.  She  apprehended  some  mischief  would 
happen  to  me  from  rude  vulgar  folks,  who  might 
squeeze  me  to  death,  or  break  one  of  my  limbs  by 
taking  me  in  their  hands.  She  had  also  observed  how 
modest  I  was  in  my  nature,  how  nicely  I  regarded  my 
honour,  and  what  an  indignity  I  should  conceive  it  to 
be  exposed  for  money  as  a  public  spectacle  to  the 
meanest  of  the  people.  She  said,  her  papa  and  mam- 
ma had  promised  that  Grildrig  should  be  hers ;  but 
now  she  found  they  meant  to  serve  her  as  they  did 
last  year,  when  they  pretended  to  give  her  a  lamb, 
and  yet,  as  soon  as  it  was  fat,  sold  it  to  a  butcher. 
For  my  own  part,  I  may  truly  affirm,  that  I  was  less 
concerned  than  my  nurse.  I  had  a  strong  hope,  which 
never  left  me,  that  I  should  one  day  recover  my  lib- 
erty ;  and  as  to  the  ignominy  of  being  carried  about 
for  a  monster,  I  considered  myself  to  be  a  perfect 
Btranger  in  the  country,  and  that  such  a  misfortune 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGXA6.  .         221 

could  never  be  charged  upon  me  as  a  reproach,  if 
ever  I  should  return  to  England  ;  since  the  king  of 
Great  Britain  himself,  in  my  condition,  must  have 
undergone  the  same  distress. 

My  master,  pursuant  to  the  advice  of  his  friend, 
carried  me  in  a  box  the  next  market-day  to  the  neigh- 
bouring  town,  and  took  along  with  him  his  little 
'laughter,  my  nurse,  upon  a  pillion  behind  him.  The 
box  was  close  on  every  side,  with  a  little  door  for  me 
to  go  in  and  out,  and  a  few  gimlet  holes  to  let  in  air. 
The  girl  had  been  so  careful  as  to  put  the  quilt  of  her 
baby's  bed  into  it,  for  me  to  lie  down  on.  However, 
I  was  terribly  shaken  and  discomposed  in  this  journey, 
though  it  were1  but  of  half  an  hour  ,  for  the  horse  went 
about  forty  feet  at  every  step,  and  trotted  so  high,  that 
the  agitation  was  equal  to  the  rising  and  falling  of  a 
ship^in  a  great  storm,  but  much  more  frequent.  Our 
journey  was  somewhat  farther  than  from  London  to 
St.  Albans.  My  master  alighted  at  an  inn  which  he 
used  to  frequent;  and  after  consulting  awhile  with 
the  innkeeper,  and  making  some  necessary  prepara- 
tions, he  hired  the  grultrud,  or  crier,  to  give  notice 
through  the  town,  of  a  strange  creature  to  be  seen  at 
the  sign  of  the  Green  Eagle,  not  so  big  as  a  splacnuck 
(an  animal  in  that  country  very  finely  shaped,  about 
six  feet  long),  and  in  every  part  of  the  body  resem- 
bling a  human  creature,  could  speak  several  wordst 
ajid  perform  a  hundred  diverting  tricks. 

1  The  subjunctive  mood  is  improperly  used  here ;  U  should  have 
been  the  indicativ*.  "  though  it  was,"  instead  of  "  tbo-'.gh  it  were.* 
— Sheridan. 

19* 


222  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

•  > 

I  v»as  placed  upon  a  table  in  the  largest  roomol  »h« 

inn,  which  might  be  near  three  hundred  feet  square. 
My  little  nurse  stood  on  a  low  stool  close  to  the  table, 
to  take  care  of  me,  and  direct  what  I  should  do.  My 
master,  to  avoid  a  crowd,  would  suffer  only  thirty  peo. 
pie  at  a  time  to  see  me.  I  walked  about  on  the  table 
as  the  girl  commanded :  she  asked  me  questions,  as 
far  as  she  knew  my  understanding  of  the  language 
reached,  and  I  answered  them  as  loud  as  I  could.  I 
turned  about  several  times  to  the  company,  paid  my 
humble  respects,  said  they  were  welcome,  and  used 
some  other  speeches  I  had  been  taught.  I  took  up  a 
thirnble  filled  with  liquor,  which  Glumdalclitch  had 
given  me  for  a  cup,  and  drank  their  health.  I  drew 
out  my  hanger,  and  flourished  with  it  after  the  manner 
of  fencers  in  England.  My  nurse  gave  me  a  part  of 
a  straw,  which  I  exercised  as  a  pike,  having  learnt  the 
art  in  my  youth.  I  was  that  day  shown  to  twelve  sets 
of  company,  and  as  often  forced  to  act  over  again  the 
same  fopperies,  till  I  was  half  dead  with  weariness 
and  vexation  ;  for  those  who  had  seen  me  made  such, 
wonderful  reports,  that  the  people  were  ready  to  break 
down  the  doors  to  come  ii..1  My  master,  for  his  own 
interest,  would  not  suffer  any  one  to  touch  me  except 

1  The  passion  for  shows  and  sight-seeing  was  never  at  a  greater 
height  in  England  than  during  the  reign  of  George  I. ;  and  the 
wags  of  the  day  derived  great  amusement  from  practising  on  the 
credulity  of  the  people.  Immense  crowds  assembled  to  see  a  man 
creep  intc  a  quart  bottle,  and  when  they  discovered  that  they  had 
been  deceived,  were  near  destroying  the  house  in  their  rage. 
Swift's  works  contain  several  amusing  parodies  of  the  puffing 
placards  in  which  these  exhibitions  were  announced. 


.     A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  223 

my  nurse ;  and  to  prevent  danger,  benches  were  set 
round  the  table  at  such  a  distance  as  to  put  me  out  of 
everybody's  reach.  However,  an  unlucky  school-boy 
aimed  a  hazel-nut  directly  at  my  head,  which  very 
narrowly  missed  me  ;  otherwise  it  came  with  so  much 
violence,  that  it  would  have  infallibly  knocked  out  my 
brains,  for  it  was  almost  as  large  as  a  small  pumpion; 
but  I  had  the  satisfaction  to  see  the  young  rogue  well 
beaten,  and  turned  out  of  the  room. 

My  master  gave  public  notice  that  he  would  show 
me  again  the  next  market-day  ;  and  in  the  mean  time 
he  prepared  a  more  convenient  vehicle  for  me,  which 
he  had  reason  enough  to  do ;  for  I  was  so  tired  with 
my  first  journey,  and  with  entertaining  company  for 
eight  hours  together,  that  I  could  hardly  stand  upon 
my  legs,  or  speak  a  word.  It  was  at  least  three  days 
before  I  recovered  my  strength  ;  and  that  I  might  have 
no  rest  at  home,  all  the  neighbouring  gentlemen  from 
a  hundred  miles  round,  hearing  of  my  fame,  came  to 
see  me  at  my  master's  own  house.  There  could  not 
be  fewer  than  thirty  persons,  with  their  wives  and 
children  (for  the  country  is  very  populous)  ;  and  my 
master  demanded  the  rate  of  a  full  room  whenever  he 
showed  me  at  home,  although  it  were  only  to  a  single 
family  ;  so  that  for  some  time,  I  had  but  little  ease 
every  day  of  the  week  (except  Wednesday,  which  is 
their  Sabbath),  although  I  was  not  carried  to  the 
town. 

My  master  finding  how  profitable  I  was  likely  to  be, 
resolved  to  carry  me  to  the  most  considerable  cities  of 
th<»  kingdom.  Having,  therefore,  provided  himself 


224  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

with  all  things  necessary. for  a  long  journey,  and  set. 
tied  his  affairs  at  home,  he  look  leave  of  his  wife,  and 
upon  the  17th  of  August,  1703,  about  two  months 
after  my  arrival,  we  set  out  for  the  metropolis,  situate 
near  the  middle  of  that  empire,  and  about  three  thou- 
sand miles'  distance  from  our  house.  My  master 
made  his  daughter  Glumdalclitch  ride  behind  him. 
She  carried  me  on  her  lap,  in  a  box  tied  about  her 
waist.  The  girl  had  lined  it  on  all  sides  with  the 
softest  cloth  she  could  get,  well  quilted  underneath, 
furnished  it  with  her  baby's  bed,  provided  me  witn 
linen  and  other  necessaries,  and  made  every  thing  as 
convenient  as  she  could.  We  had  no  other  company 
but  a  boy  of  the  house,  who  rode  after  us  with  the 
luggage. 

My  master's  design  was  to  show  me  in  all  the  towns 
by  the  way,  and  to  step  out  of  the  road,  for  fifty  or  a 
hundred  miles,  to  any  village  or  person  of  quality's 
house,  where  he  might  expect  custom.  We  made 
easy  journeys,  of  not  above  seven  or  eight  score  miles 
a-day;  for  Glumdalclitch,  on  purpose  to  spare  me, 
complained  she  was  tired  with  the  trotting  of  the  horse. 
She  often  took  me  out  of  my  box,  at  my  own  desire, 
to  give  me  air,  and  show  me  the  country,  but  always 
held  me  fast  by  a  leading-string.  We  passed  over 
five  or  six  rivers,  many  degrees  broader  and  deeper 
than  the  Nile  or  the  Ganges  ;  and  there  was  hardly  a 
rivulet  so  small  as  the  Thames  at  London  Bridge. 
We  were  ten  weeks  in  our  journey,  and  I  was  shown. 
in  eighteen  large  towns,  besides  many  villagesj  and 
private  families. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  BROBDINGNAG.  225 

On  the  26th  day  of  October  we  arrived  at  the  me- 
tropolis, called  in  their  language  Lorbrulgrud,  or 
Pride  of  the  Universe.  My  master  took  a  lodging  in 
the  principal  street  of  the  city,  not  far  from  the  royal 
palace,  and  put  out  bills  in  the  usual  form,  containing 
an  exact  description  of  my  person  and  parts.  He 
hired  a  large  room  between  three  and  four  hundred 
feet  wide.  He  provided  a  table  sixty  feet  in  diameter, 
upon  which  I  was  to  act  my  part,  and  palisadoed  it 
round  three  feet  from  the  edge,  and  as  many  high,  to 
prevent  my  falling  over.  I  was  shown  ten  times 
a-day,  to  the  wonder  and  satisfaction  of  all  people.  I 
could  now  speak  the  language  tolerably  well,  and 
perfectly  understood  every  word  that  was  spoken  to 
me.  Besides,  I  had  learnt  their  alphabet,  and  could 
make  shift  to  explain  a  sentence  here  and  there  ;  for 
Glumdalclitch  had  been  my  instructor  while  we  were 
at  home,  and  at  leisure  hours  during  our  journey. 
She  carried  a  little  book  in  her  pocket,  not  much 
larger  than  a  Sanson's  Atlas  ;  it  was  a  common  trea- 
tise for  the  use  of  young  girls,  giving  a  short  account 
of  their  religion  ;  out  of  this  she  taught  me  my  letters, 
and  n.terpreted  the  words. 


CHAPTER  III. 

The  author  seat  for  to  court— The  queen  buys  him  of  his  maste:  the  furmat,  tn« 
presents  him  to  the  king— He  disputes  with  his  majesty's  great  scholars— «n 
apartment  at  court  provided  for  the  author— He  is  in  high  favour  with  the 
queen— He  stands  up  for  the  honour  of  his  own  country— His  quarrels  with 
the  queen's  dwarf. 

LABOURS  such  as  I  underwent  every  day,  made,  in 
"^  few  weeks,  a  very  considerable  change  in  my  health  ; 
the  more  my  master  got  by  me  the  more  insatiable  he 
grew.  I  had  quite  lost  my  stomach,  and  was  almost 
reduced  to  a  skeleton.  The  farmer  observed  it,  and 
concluding  I  must  soon  die,  resolved  to  make  as  good 
a  hand  of  me  as  he  could.  While  he  was  thus  rea- 
soning and  resolving  with  himself,  a  sardral,  or  gen- 
tleman-usher, came  from  court,  commanding  my  mas- 
ter to  carry  me  immediately  thither  for  the  diversion 
of  the  queen  and  her  ladies.  Some  of  the  latter  had 
already  been  to  see  me,  and  reported  strange  things 
of  my  beauty,  behaviour,  and  good  senSe.  Her  ma- 
jesty, and  those  who  attended  her,  were  beyond 
measure  delighted  with  my  demeanour.  I  fell  on  my 
knees,  and  begged  the  honour  of  kissing  her  imperial 
foot ;  but  this  gracious  princess  held  out  her  little 
finger  towards  me,  after  I  was  set  on  the  table,  which 
I  embraced  in  both  my  arms,  and  put  the  tip  of  it 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  227 

with"  the  utmost  respect  to  my  lip.  She  made  me 
some  general  questions  about  my  country  and  my 
travels,  which  I  answered  as  distinctly,  and  in  as  few 
words  as  I  could.  She  asked  "  whether  I  would  be 
contentto  live  at  court  ?"•  I  bowed  down  to  the  board 
of  the  table,  and  humbly  answered,  "that  I  was  my 
master's  slave ;  but  if  I  were  at  my  own  disposal,  I 
should  be  proud  to  devote  my  life  to  her  majesty's 
service."  She  then  asked  my  master,  "  whether  he 
was  willing  to  sell  me  at  a  good  price  ?"  He,  who 
apprehended  I  could  not  live  a  month,  was  ready 
enough  to  part  with  me,  and  demanded  a  thousand 
pieces  of  gold,  which  were  ordered  him  on  the  spot, 
each  piece  being  about  the  bigness  of  eight  hundred 
moidores  ;  but  allowing  for  the  proportion  of  all  things 
between  that  country  and  Europe,  and  the  high  price 
of  gold  among  them,  was  hardly  so  great  a  sum  as  a 
thousand  guineas  would  be  in  England.  I  then  said 
to  the  queen,  "  since  I  was  now  her  majesty's  most 
humble  creature  and  vassal,  I  must  beg  the  favour 
that  Glumdalclitch,  who  had  always  tended  me  with 
so  much  care  and  kindness,  and  understood  to  do  it 
so  well,  might  be  admitted  into  her  service,  and  con- 
tinue to  be  my  nurse  and  instructor." 

Her  majesty  agreed  to  my  petition,  and  easily  got 
the  farmer's  consent,  who  was  glad  enough  to  have 
*iis  daughter  preferred  at  court,  and  the  poor  girl  her- 
self  was  not  able  to  hide  her  joy.  My  late  master 
withdrew,  bidding  me  farewell,  and  saying  he  h_ad  left 
me  in  a  good  service  ;  to  which  I  replied  not  a  word, 
only  making  him  a  slight  bow. 


22S  GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 

The  queen  observed  my  coldness,  and,  when  iha 
farmer  was  gone  out  of  the  apartment,  asked  me  the 
reason.  I  made  bold  to  tell  her  majesty,  "  that  I  owed 
no  other  obligation  to  my  late  master,  than  his  no» 
dashing  out  the  brains  of  a  poor  harmless  creature 
found  by  chance  in  his  fields,  which  obligation  wa» 
amply  recompensed  by  the  gain  he  had  made  in  show 
ing  me  through  half  the  kingdom,  and  the  price  h* 
had  now  sold  me  for.  That  the  life  I  had  since  led,  was 
laborious  enough  to  kill  an  animal  of  ten  times  my 
strength.  That  my  health  was  much  impaired  by  the 
continual  drudgery  of  entertaining  the  rabble  every 
hour  of  the  day  ;  and  that,  if  my  master  had  not 
thought  my  life  in  danger,  her  majesty  would  not  have 
got  so  cheap  a  bargain.  But  as  I  was  out  of  all  fear 
of  being  ill-treated,  under  the  protection  of  so  great 
and  good  an  empress,  the  ornament  of  nature,  the 
darling  of  the  world,  the  delight  of  her  subjects,  the 
phoenix  of  the  creation  ;  so,  I  hoped  my  late  master's 
apprehensions  would  appear  to  be  groundless ;  for  I 
already  found  my  spirits  revive,  by  the  influence  of 
her  most  august  presence." 

This  was  the  sum  of  my  speech,  delivered  with 
great  improprieties  and  hesitation.  The  latter  part 
was  altogether  framed  in  the  style  peculiar  to  that 
people,  whereof  I  learned  some  phrases  from  Glum- 
dalclitch,  while  she  was  carrying  me  to  court. 

The  queen,  giving  great  allowance  for  my  defec- 
tiveness  in  speaking,  was,  however,  surprised  at  so 
much  wit  and  good  sense  in  so  diminutive  an  animal. 
She  took  me  in  her  own  hand,  and  carried  me  to  the 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  '229 

.iing,  who  was  then  retired  to  his  cabinet.  His  ma- 
jesty, a  prince  of  much  gravity  and  austere  counte- 
nance, not  observing  my  shape  at  first  view,  asked  the 
queen,  aft°r  a  cold  manner,  "how  long  it  was  since 
she  grew  fond  of  a  splacnuck  ?"  for  such  it  seems  he 
took  me  to  be,  as  I  lay  upon  my  breast  in  her  majes- 
ty's hand.  But  this  princess,  who  has  an  infinite  deal 
of  wit  and  humour,  set  me  gently  on  my  feet  upon 
the  scrutoire,  and  commanded  me  to  give  his  majesty 
an  account  of  myself,  which  I  did  in  a  very  few  words, 
and  Glumdalclitch,  who  attended  at  the  cabinet  door, 
and  could  not  endure  I  should  be  out  of  her  sight, 
being  admitted,  confirmed  all  that  had  passed  from  my 
arrival  at  her  father's  house. 

The  king,  although  he  be  as  learned  a  person  as 
any  in  his  dominions,  had  been  educated  in  the  study 
of  philosophy,  and  particularly  mathematics ;  yet 
when  he  observed  my  shape  exactly,  and  saw  me 
walk  erect,  before  I  began  to  speak,  conceived  I  might 
be  a  piece  of  clock-work  (which  is  in  that  country 
arrived  to  a  very  great  perfection)  contrived  by  some 
ingenious  artist.  But  when  he  heard  my  voice,  and 
found  what  I  delivered  to  be  regular  and  rational,  he 
could  not  conceal  his  astonishment.  He  was  by  no 
means  satisfied  with  the  relation  I  gave  him  of  the 
manner  I  came  into  his  kingdom,  but  thought  it  a 
story  concerted  between  Glumdalclitch  and  her  father, 
who  had  taught  me  a  set  of  words  to  make  me  sell  at 
a  better  price.  Upon  this  imagination,  he  put  several 
other  questions  to  me,  and  still  received  rational 
answers,  no  otherwise  defective  than  by  a  foreign  ac- 
20 


230  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

cent,  and  an  imperfect  knowledge  iii  the  language, 
with  some  rustic  phrases  which  I  had  learned  at  the 
farmer's  house,  and  did  not  suit  the  polite  style  of  a 
court. 

His  majesty  sent  for  three  great  scholars,  who  were 
then  in  the  weekly  waiting,  according  to  the  custom 
of  that  country.  These  gentlemen,  after  they  had 
awhile  examined  my  shape  with  much  nicety,  were 
of  different  opinions  concerning  me.  They  all  agreed 
that  I  could  not  be  produced  according  to  the  regular 
laws  of  nature,  because  I  was  not  framed  with  a 
capacity  of  preserving  my  life,  either  by  swiftness,  or 
climbing  of  trees,  or  digging  holes  in  the  earth.  They 
observed  by  my  teeth,  which  they  viewed  with  great 
exactness,  that  I  was  a  carnivorous  animal  ;  yet  most 
quadrupeds  being  an  overmatch  for  me,  and  field 
mice,  with  some  others,  too  nimble,  they  could  not 
imagine  how  I  should  be  able  to  support  myself,  un- 
less I  fed  upon  snails  and  other  insects  ;  which  they 
offered,  by  many  learned  arguments,1  to  evince  that 
I  could  not  possibly  do.  One  of  these  virtuosi  seemed 
to  think  that  [  might  be  an  embryo,  or  abortive  birth. 
But  this  opinion  was  rejected  by  the  other  two,  who 
observed  my  limbs  to  be  perfect  and  finished,  and  that 
I  had  lived  several  years,  as  it  was  manifest  from  my 
beard,  the  stumps  whereof  they  plainly  discovered 

1  By  this  reasoning  the  author  probably  intended  to  ridicule  the 
pride  of  those  philosophers,  who  have  thought  fit  to  arraign  the 
wisdom  of  Providence  in  the  creation  and  government  of  the 
world ;  whose  cavils  are  specious,  like  those  of  the  Brobdingnagian 
•ages,  only  in  proportion  to  the  ignorance  of  those  to  whom  they 
are  proposed. — ffawkemorth . 


A   VOYAGE   TO    BROBPINGNAG.  231 

through  a  magnifying-glass.  They  would  not  allow 
me  to  be  a  dwarf,  because  my  littleness  was  beyond , 
all  degrees  of  comparison  ;  for  the  queen's  favourite 
dwarf,  the  smallest  ever  known  in  that  kingdom,  was 
near  thirty  feet  high.  After  much  debate,  they  con- 
cluded unanimously,  that  I  was  only  relplum  scal- 
clath,  which  is  interpreted  literally  lusus  natures;  a 
determination  exactly  agreeable  to  the  modern  philoso- 
phy of  Europe,  whose  professors,  disdaining  the  old 
evasion  of  occult  causes,  whereby  the  followers  of 
Aristotle  endeavoured  in  vain  to  disguise  their  ignor- 
ance, hav8  invented  this  wonderful  solution  of  all 
difficulties,  to  the  unspeakable  advancement  of  human 
knowledge. 

After  this  decisive  conclusion,  I  entreated  to  be 
heard  a  word  or  two.  I  applied  myself  to  the  king, 
and  assured  his  majesty,  "  that  I  came  from  a  country 
which  abounded  with  several  millions  of  both  sexes, 
and  of  my  own  stature  ;  where  the  animals,  trees, 
and  houses,  were  all  in  proportion,  and  where,  by 
consequence,  I  might  be  as  able  to  defend  myself,  and 
to  find  sustenance,  as  any  of  his  majesty's  subjects 
could  Jo  here  ;  which  I  took  for  a  full  answer  to 
those  gentlemen's  arguments."  To  this  they  only 
replied  with  a  smile  of  contempt,  saying,  "  that  the 
farmer  had  instructed  me  very  well  in  my  lesson,"1 
The  king,  who  had  a  much  better  understanding, 

1  This  satire  is  levelled  against  all  who  reject  those  facts  for 
which  they  cannot  perfectly  account,  notwithstanding  the  ab- 
surdity of  rejecting  the  testimony  by  which  they  are  supported. 
— Hawkesworth. 


232  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

dismissing  his  learned  men,  sent  for  the  farmer,  who 
by  good  fortune  was  not  yet  gone  ou^  of  town.1 
Having,  therefore,  first  examined  him  privately,  and 
then  confronted  him  with  me  and  the  young  girl,  his 
majesty  began  to  think  that  what  we  told  him  might 
possibly  be  true.  He  desired  the  queen  to  order  that 
a  particular  care  should  be  taken  of  me ;  and  was  of 
opinion  that  GlumdalcLitch  should  still  continue  in  her 
office  of  tending  me,  because  he  observed  we  had  a 
great  affection  for  each  other.  A  convenient  apart- 
ment was  provided  for  her  at  court ;  she  had  a  sort 
of  governess  appointed  to  take  care  of  her"education, 
a  maid  to  dress  her,  and  two  other  servants  for  menial 
offices  ;  but  the  care  of  me  was  wholly  appropriated 
to  herself.  The  queen  commanded  her  own  cabinet- 
maker to  contrive  a  box,  that  might  serve  me  for  a 
bed-chamber,  after  the  model  that  GlunvJalclitch  and 
I  should  agree  upon.  This  man  was  a  most  in- 
genious  artist,  and  according  to  my  direction,  in  three 
weeks,  finished  for  me  a  wooden  chamber  of  sixteen 
feet  square,  and  twelve  high,  with  sash  windows,  a 
door  and  two  closets,  like  a  London  bed-chamber. 
The  board,  that  made  the  ceiling,  was  to  be  lifted  up 
and  down  by  two  hinges,  to  put  in  a  bed  ready 
furnished  by  her  majesty's  upholsterer,  which  Glum- 

1  Sir  Walter  Scott  thinks  that  Swift  has  designedly  introduced 
some  traits  of  William  III.'s  character  in  the  sketch  of  the  king 
of  Brobdingnag ;  but  if  any  thing  more  than  the  ideal  of  a  patriot 
monarch  is  designed,  it  is  probable  that  the  Dean  had  an  eye  to 
the  Prince  of  Wales,  afterwards  George  II..  from  whom  the  lories 
bad  formed  favourable  anticipations. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BKOBD1NGNAG. 


233 


dalclitch  took  out  every  day  to  air,  made  it  with  her 
own   hands,  and   letting  it  down  at  night,  locked  up 


the  roof  over  me.  A  nice  workman,  who  was  famous 
for  little  curiosities,  undertook  to  make  me  two  chairs, 
with  backs  and  frames,  of  a  substance  not  unlike 
ivory,  and  two  tables,  with  a  cabinet  to  put  my  things 
in.  The  room  was  quilted  on  all  sides,  as  well  as 
the  floor  and  the  ceiling,  to  prevent  any  accident  from 
the  carelessness  of  those  who  carried  me,  and  to  break 
the  force  of  a  jolt,  when  I  went  in  a  coach.  I  desired 
a  lock  for  my  door,  to  prevent  rats  and  mice  from 
coming  in.  The  smith,  after  several  attempts,  made 
ihe  smallest  that  ever  was  seen  among  them,  for  I 


234  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

have  known  a  larger  at  the  gate  of  a  gentleman's 
house  in  England.1  I  made  a  shift  to  keep  the  key 
in  a  pocket  of  my  own,  fearing  Glumdalclitch  might 
lose  it.  The  queen  likewise  ordered  the  thinnest 
silks  that  could  be  gotten,  to  make  me  clothes,  not 
much  thicker  than  an  English  blanket,  very  cumber^ 
some  till  I  was  accustomed  to  them.  They  were 
after  the  fashion  of  the  kingdom,  partly  resembling 
the  Persian,  and  partly  the  Chinese,  and  are  a  very 
grave  and  decent  habit. 

The  queen  became  so  fond  of  my  company,  that 
she  could  not  dine  without  me.  1  had  a  table 
placed  upon  trie  same  at  which  her  majesty  eat,  just 
at  her  elbow,  and  a  chair  to  sit  on.  Glumdalclitch 
stood  on  a  stool  on  the  floor  near  my  table,  to  assist 
and  take  care  of  me.  I  had  an  entire  set  of  silver 
dishes  and  plates,  and  other  necessaries,  which,  m 
proportion  to  those  of  the  queen,  were  not  much 
bigger  than  what  I  have  seen  in  a  London  toy-shop^ 
for  the  furniture  of  a  baby-house  :  these  my  little 
nurse  kept  in  her  pocket  in  a  silver  box,  and  gave 
me  at  meals  as  I  wanted  them,  always  cleaning  then, 
herself.  No  person  dined  with  the  queen  but  the  twt 
princesses  royal,  the  elder  sixteen  years  old,  and  the 
younger  at  that  time  thirteen  and  a  month.  Her 
majesty  used  to  put  a  bit  of  meat  ijpon  one  of  my 
dishes,  out  of  which  I  carved  for  myself,  and  her 
diversion  was  to  see  me  eat  in  miniature ;  for  the 

i  Swift's  frequent  references  to  proportions,  both  here  and  in 
the  Voyage  to  Lilliput,  give  an  air  of  probability  to  his  story 
Which  none  of  his  imitators  have  been  able  to  attain. 


A   VOYAGE   TO   BROBDINGNAG.  235 

queen  (who  had  indeed  but  a  weak  stomach)  took  up, 
at  one  mouthful,  as  much  as  a  dozen  English  farmers 
could  eat  at  a  meal,  which  to  me  was  for  some  time 
a  very  nauseous  sight.  She  would  craunch  the  wing 
of  a  lark,  bones  and  all,  between  her  teeth,  although 
it  were  nine  times  as  large  as  that  of  a  full-grown 
turkey  ;  and  put  a  bit  of  bread  in  her  mouth,  as  big  as 
two  twelvepenny  loaves.  She  drank  out  of  a  golden 
cup,  above  a  hogshead  at  a  draught.  Her  knives 
were  twice  as  long  as  a  scythe,  set  straight  upon  the 
handle.  The  spoons,  forks,  and  other  instruments, 
were  all  in  the  same  proportion.  I  remember  when 
Glumdalclitch  carried  me,  out  of  curiosity,  to  see 
some  of  the  tables  at  court,  where  ten  or  a  dozen  of 
those  enormous  knives  and  forks  were  lifted  up  to- 
gether, I  thought  I  had  never  till  then  beheld  so 
terrible  a  sight. 

It  is  the  custom,  that  every  Wednesday  (which,  as 
I  have  observed,  is  their  sabbath),  the  king  and  queen, 
with  the  royal  issue  of  both  sexes,  dine  together  in 
the  apartment  of  his  majesty,  to  whom  I  was  now  be- 
come a  great  favourite  ;  and  at  these  times,  my  little 
chair  and  table  were  placed  at  his  left  hand,  before 
one  of  the  salt-cellars.  This  prince  took  a  pleasure 
in  conversing  with  me,  inquiring  into  the  manners, 
religion,  laws,  government,  and  learning  of  Europe, 
wherein  I  gave  him  the  best  account  I  was  able.  His 
apprehension  was  so  clear,  and  his  judgment  so  exact, 
that  he  made  very  wise  reflections  and  observations 
upon  all  1  said.  But  I  confess,  that  after  I  had  been 
a  little  too  copious  in  talking  of  my  own  beloved  coun. 


236  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

try,  of  our  trade  and  wars  by  sea  and  land,  of  oui 
schisms  in  religion,  and  parties  in  the  state,  the  pre- 
judices of  his  education  prevailed  so  far,  that  he 
could  not  forbear  taking  me  up  in  his  right  hand,  and, 
stroking  me  gently  with  the  other,  after  a  hearty  fit 
of  laughing,  asked  me,  whether  I  was  a  whig  or  tory  ? 
Thtn  turning  to  his  first  minister,  who  waited  oehind 
him  with  a  white  staff,  near  as  tall  as  the  mainmast 
of  the  Royal  Sovereign,  he  observed,  "  how  contempti- 
ble a  thing  was  human  grandeur  which  could  be 
mimicked  by  such  diminutive  insects  as  I ;  and  yet," 
says  he,  "  I  dare  engage  these  creatures  have  their 
titles  and  distinctions  of  honour  ;  they  contrive  little 
nests  and  burrows,  that  they  call  houses  and  cities ; 
they  make  a  figure  and  dress  in  equipage;  they  love, 
they  fight,  they  dispute,  they  cheat,  they  betray." 
And  thus  he  continued  on,  while  my  colour  came  and 
went  several  times,  with  indignation,  to  hear'our  noble 
country,  the  mistress  of  arts  and  arms,  the  scourge  of 
France,  the  arbitress  of  Europe,  the  seat  of  virtue, 
piety,  honour,  and  truth,  the  pride  and  envy  of  the 
world,  so  contemptuously  treated.' 

But  as  I  was  not  in  a  condition  to  resent  injuries, 
so  upon  mature  thoughts  I  began  to  doubt  whether  I 
was  injured  or  no.2  For,  after  having  been  accus- 

1  These  boasts,  which  have  been  the  common-places  of  party 
during  the  last  two  centuries,  are  rendered  supremely  ridiculous 
by  their  contrast  with  the  speech  of  the  king  of  Brobdingnag. 

2  "Whether  1  was  injured  or  no." — '1  his  vulgar  and  ungram- 
matical  mode  of  expression  has  become  almost  universal;   but 
instead  of  "no"  the  particle  "not"  should  be  used.    The  absurdi- 
ty of  the  former  will  appear  by  only  repeating  the  word  to  which 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  237 

tomed  several  months' to  the  sight  and  converse  of  thi« 
people,  and  observed  every  object  upon  which  I  cast 
mine  eyes  to  be  of  proportionable  magnitude,  the 
horror  I  had  at  first  conceived  from  their  bulk  and 
aspect,  was  so  far  worn  off,  that  if  I  had  then  beheld 
a  company  of  English  lords  and  ladies  in  their  finery 
and  birth-day  clothes,  acting  their  several  parts  in 
the  most  courtly  manner  of  strutting,  and  bowing,  and 
prating ;  to  say  the  truth,  I  should  have  been  strongly 
tempted  to  laugh  as  much  at  them,  as  the  king  and 
his  grandees  did  at  me.  Neither,  indeed,  could  I  for- 
bear  smiling  at  myself,  when  the  queen  used  to  place 
me  upon  her  hand  towards  a  looking-glass,  by  which 
both  our  persons  appeared  before  me  in  full  view  to- 
gether ;  and  there  could  be  nothing  more  ridiculous 
than  the  comparison  ;  so  that  I  really  began  to  imagine 
myself  dwindled  many  degrees  below  my  usual  size. 
Nothing  angered  and  mortified  me  so  much  as  the 
queen's  dwarf;  who,  being  of  the  lowest  stature  that 
was  ever  in  that  country  (for  I  verily  think  he  was 
not  full  thirty  feet  high),  became  so  insolent  at  seeing 
a  creature  so  much  beneath  him,  that  he  would  always 
affect  to  swagger  and  look  big  as  he  passed  by  me  in 
the  queen's  antechamber,  while  I  was  standing  on 
some  table  talking  with  the  lords  or  ladies  of  the  court, 
and  he  seldom  failed  of  a  smart  word  or  two  upon  my 
littleness  ;  against  which  I  could  only  revenge  my 
self  by  calling  him  brother,  challenging  him  to  wrestle, 

it  refers,  and  annexing  to  it,  as  thus — "  whether  I  were  injured, 
or  no  injured,"  whereas,  whether  I  were  injured,  or  Twt  injured," 
is  good  grammar.— Sheridan. 


238  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

and  such  repartees  as  are  usually  in  the  mouths  of 
court  pages.  One  day  at  dinner,  this  malicious  little 
cub  was  so  nettled  with  something  I  had  said  to  him, 
that,  raising  himself  upon  the  frame  of  her  majesty'? 
chair,  he  took  rne  up  by  the  middle,  as  I  was  sitting 
down,  not  thinking  any  harm,  and  let  me  drop  into  a 
large  silver  bowl  of  cream,  and  then  ran  away  as  fast 
as  he  could.  I  fell  over  head  and  ears,  and  if  I  had 
not  been  a  good  swimmer  it  might  have  gone  very  hard 
with  me  ;  for  Glumdalclitch  in  that  instant  happened 
to  be  at  the  other  end  of  ihe  room,  and  the  queen 
was  in  such  a  fright  that  she  wanted  presence  of  mind 
to  assist  me.  But  my  little  nurse  ran  to  my  relief, 
and  took  me  out,  after  I  had  swallowed  above  a  quart 
of  cream.  I  was  put  to  bed  ;  however  I  received  no 
other  damage  than  the  loss  of  a  suit  of  clothes,  which 
was  utterly  spoiled.  The  dwarf  was  soundly  whipped, 
and  as  a  farther  punishment,  forced  to  drink  up  the 
bowl  of  cream  into  which  he  had  thrown  me  ;  neither 
was  he  ever  restored  to  favour  ;  for  soon  after  the  queen 
bestowed  him  on  a  lady  of  high  quality,  so  that  I  saw 
him  no  more,  to  my  very  great  satisfaction  ;  for  I  could 
not  tell  to  what  extremity  such  a  malicious  urchin 
might  have  carried  his  resentment. 

He  had  before  served  me  a  scurvy  trick,  which  set 
the  queen  a-laughing,  although  at  the  same  time  she 
was  heartily  vexed,  and  would  have  immediately 
cashiered  him,  if  I  had  not  been  so  generous  as  to  in- 
tercede. Her  majesty  had  taken  a  mar  row- bone 
upon  her  plate,  and,  after  knocking  out  the  marrow, 
placed  the  bone  again  on  the  dish  erect,  as  it  stood 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BRO3D1NGNAO.  239 

»  » 

Of  fore;  the  dwarf,  watching  his  opportunity,  while 
Glumdalclitch  was  gone  to  the  sideboard,  mounted 
the  stool  that  she  stood  on  to  take  care  of  me  at  meals, 
took  me  up  in  both  hands,  and  squeezing  my  legs  to- 
gether, wedged  them  into  the  marrow-bone  above  my 
waist,  where  I  stuck  for  some  time,  and  made  a  very 
ridiculous  figure.  I  believe  it  was  neai  a  minu'.e 
before  anv  one  knew  what  was  become  of  me  ;  for  I 
thought  it  below  me  to  cry  out.  But,  as  princes  sel- 
dom get  their  meat  hot,  my  legs  were  not  scalded, 
only  my  stockings  and  breeches  in  a  sad  condition. 
The  dwarf,  at  my  entreaty,  had  no  other  punishment 
than  a  sound  whipping. 

I  was  frequently  rallied  by  the  queen  upon  account 
cxf  my  fearfulness ;  and  she  used  to  ask  me  whether 
tfc..,  people  of  my  country  were  as  great  cowards  as 
myself?  The  occasion  was  this ;  the  kingdom  is 
much  pestered  with  flies  in  summer  ;  and  these  odious 
insects,  each  of  them  as  big  as  a  Dunstable  lark, 
hardly  gave  me  any  rest  while  I  sat  at  dinner,  with 
their  continual  humming  and  buzzing  about  mine 
ears.  They  would  sometimes  alight  upon  my  victuals, 
and  leave  their  loathsome  excrement  or  spawn  behind, 
which  to  me  was  very  visible,  though  not  to  the  natives 
of  that  country,  whose  larger  optics  were  not  so  acute 
as  mine  in  viewing  smaller  objects.  Sometimes  they 
would  fix  upon  my  nose  or  forehead,  where  they  stung 
me  to  the  quick,  smelling  very  offensively  ;  and  [ 
could  easily  trace  that  viscous  matter,  which,  our  na- 
turalists tell  us,  enables  those  creatures  to  walk  with 
their  feet  upwards  upon  a  ceiling.  I  had  much  ado 


^40  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

to  defend  myself  against  these  detestable  animals,  and 
could  not  forbear  starting  when  they  came  on  my 
face.  It  was  the  common  practice  of  the  dwarf,  to 
catch  a  number  of  these  insects  in  his  hand,  as  school- 
boys do  among  us,  and  let  them  out  suddenly  under 
my  nose,  on  purpose  to  frighten  me,  and  divert  the 
queen.  My  remedy  was  to  cut  them  in  pieces  with 
my  knife,  as  they  flew  in  the  air,  wherein  my  dexter, 
ity  was  much  admired. 


I  remember  one  morning,  when  Glumdalclitch  had 
set  me  in  a  box  upon  a  window,  as  she  usually  did  in 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  241 

fair  days  to  give  me  air  (for  I  durst  not  venture  to  let 
the  box  be  hung  on  a  nail  out  of  the  window,  as  we 
do  with  cages  in  England),  after  I  had  lifted  up  one 
of  my  sashes,  and  sat  down  at  my  table  to  eat  a  piece 
of  sweet  cake  for  my  breakfast,  above  twenty  wasps, 
allured  by  the  smell,  came  flying  into  the  room,  hum- 
ming louder  than  the  drones  of  as  many  bagpipes. 
Some  of  them  seized  my  cake,  and  carried  it  piece- 
meal away  ;  others  flew  about  my  head  and  face, 
confounding  me  with  the  noise,  and  putting  me  in  the 
utmost  terror  of  their  stings.  However,  I  had  the 
courage  to  rise  and  draw  my  hanger,  and  attack  them 
in  the  air.  I  despatched  four  of  them,  but  the  rest 
got  away,  and  I  presently  shut  my  window.  These 
insects  were  as  large  as  partridges  ;  I  took  out  their 
stings,  found  them  an  inch  and  a  half  long,  and  as 
sharp  as  needles.  I  carefully  preserved  them  all ; 
and  having  since  shown  them,  with  some  other  curi 
odities,  in  several  parts  of  Europe  ;  upon  my  return 
to  England  I  gave  three  of  them  to  Gresham  College, 
t  ad  kept  the  fourth  for  myself. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

The  country  described— A  proposal  for  correcting  modern  maps— Th*  king'* 
palace,  and  some  account  of  the  metropolis— The  author's  way  of  traTellinjj— 
The  chief  temple  described. 

JOURNEYS  with  Glumdalclitch  having  given  me 
some  knowledge  of  the  country,  I  now  intend  to  give 
the  reader  a  short  description  of  it,  as  far  as  I  tra- 
velled, which  was  not  above  two  thousand  miles  round 
Lorbrulgrud,  the  metropolis.  For  the  queen,  whom 
I  always  attended,  never  went  farther  when  she  ac- 
companied the  king  in  his  progresses,  and  there 
stayed  till  his  majesty  returned  from  viewing  his 
frontiers.  The  whole  extent  of  this  prince's  domi- 
nions reaches  about  six  thousand  miles  in  length,  and 
from  three  to  five  in  breadth  ;  whence  1  cannot  but 
conclude,  that  our  geographers  of  Europe  are  in  a 
great  error,  by  supposing  nothing  but  sea  between 
Japan  and  California  ;  for  it  was  ever  my  opinion, 
that  there  must  be  a  balance  of  earth  to  counterpoise 
the  great  continent  of  Tartary  ;  and  therefore  they 
ought  to  correct  their  maps  and  charts,  by  joining 
this  vast  tract  of  land  to  the  north-west  parts  of 
America,  wherein  I  shall  be  ready  to  lend  them  my 
assistance. 

The   kingdom  is  a  peninsula,   terminated  to  the 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  243 

%orth-east  by  a  ridge  of  mountains  thirty  miles  high, 
which  are  altogether  impassable,  by  reason  of  the 
volcanoes  upon  the  tops  :  neither  do  the  most  learned 
know  what  sort  of  mortals  inhabit  beyond  those  moun- 
tains, or  whether  they  be  inhabited  at  all.  On  the 
three  other  skies*  it -is  bounded  by  the  ocean.  There 
is  not  one  seaport  in  the  whole  kingdom  j  and  those 
parts  of  the  coasts  into  which  the  rivers  issue,  are  so 
full  of  pointed  rocks,  and  the  sea  generally  so  rough, 
that  tnere  is  no  venturing  with  the  smallest  of  their 
boats;  so  that  these  people  are  wholly  excluded  from 
any  commerce  with  the  rest  of  the  world.1  But  the 
large  rivers  are  full  of  vessels,  and  abound  with  ex- 
cellent fish  :  for  they  seldom  -get  any  from  the  sea, 
because  the  sea-fish  are  of  the  same  size  with  those 
in  Europe,  and  consequently  not  worth  catching ; 
whereby  it  is  manifest,  that  nature,  in  the  production 
of  plants  and  animals  of  so  extraordinary  a  bulk,  is 
wholly  confined  to  this  continent,  of  which  I  leave  the 

1  This  description  of  a  sea  that  could  not  be  safely  navigated 
appears  to  have  been  taken  from  that  veracious  traveller,  Sir  J. 
Mandeville.  "  From  the  land  of  Bactry,  men  go  many  days' 
journey  to  the  land  of  Prester  John,  that  is  a  great  emperor  of 
Inde ;  and  men  call  his  land  the  yle  of  Pantoxore.  .  .  .  There  are 
many  places  in  the  sea  where  are  many  rockes  of  a  stone  that  is 
called  adamand,  the  which  of  his  own  kinde  draweth  all  manner 
of  yron,  and  therefore  there  may  be  no  ships  that  hath  yron  nayles 
pass  but  it  draweth  them  to  him,  and  therefore  they  dare  not  go 
into  that  country  with  ships  for  fear  of  adamand.  I  went  once 
into  that  sea,  and  saw  along  as  it  had  been  a  great  yle  of  treea 
stockes  and  branches  growinge,  and  the  shipman  told  me  that 
those  were  of  greate  shippes  that  abode  there  through  the  vertua 
of  the  adamandes,  and  of  things  that  were  in  the  shippes,  where- 
of those  trees  sprung  and  waxed." 


244  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

reasons  to  be  determined  by  philosophers.  However 
now  and  then  they  take  a  whale  that  happens  to  be 
dashed  against  the  rocks,  which  the  common  people 
feed  on  heartily.  These  whales  I  have  known  so 
large,  that  a  man  could  hardly  carry  one  upon  his 
shoulders ;  and  sometimes,  for  curiosity,  they  are 
brought  in  hampers  to  Lorbrulgrud  :  I  saw  one  of 
them  in  a  dish  at  the  king's  table,  which  passed  for  a 
rarity,  but  I  did  not  observe  he  was  fond  of  it;  for  I 
think,  indeed,  the  bigness  disgusted  him,  although  I 
have  seen  one  somewhat  larger  in  Greenland. 

The  country  is  well  inhabited,  for  it  contains  fifty, 
one  cities,  near  a  hundred  walled  towns,  and  a  great 
number  of  villages.  To  satisfy  my  curious  reader, 
it  may  be  sufficient  to  describe  Lorbrulgrud.  This 
city  stands  upon  almost  two  equal  parts,  on  each  side 
the  river  that  passes  through.  It  contains  above 
eighty  thousand  houses,  and  about  six  hundred  thou- 
sand inhabitants.  It  is  in  length  three  glomglungs 
(which  make  about  fifty-four  English  miles),  and  two 
and  a  half  in  breadth;  as  I  measured  it  myself  in  the 
royal  map  made  by  the  king's  order,  which  was  laid 
.on  the  ground  on  purpose  for  me,  and  extended  a 
hundred  feet :  I  paced  the  diameter  and  circumference 
several  times  barefoot,  and  computing  by  the  scale, 
measured  it  pretty  exactly. 

The  king's  palace  is  no  regular  edifice,  but  a  heap 
of  building  about  seven  miles  round  :  the  chief  rooms 
are  generally  two  hundred  and  forty  feet  high,  and 
broad  and  long  in  proportion.  A  coach  was  allowed 
to  GlumdalaUuib  and  me,  whereic  her  governess  fre. 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINCN  4G.  *      245 

quently  took  her  out  to  see  the  town,  or  go  among  the 
shops  ;  and  I  was  always  of  the  party,  carried  in  my 
box  ;  although  the  girl,  at  my  own  desire,  would 
often  take  me  out,  and  hold  me  in  her  hand,  that  I 
might  more  conveniently  view  the  houses  and  the 
people,  as  we  passed  along  the  streets.  I  reckoned 
our  coach  to  be  about  a  square  of  Westminster  Hall, 
but  not  altogether  so  high  :  however,  I  cannot  be  very 
exact.  One  day  the  governess  ordered  our  coachman 
to  stop  at  several  shops,  where  the  beggars,  watching 
their  opportunity,  crowded  to  the  sides  of  the  coach, 
and  gave  me  the  most  horrible  spectacle  that  ever  an 
European  eye  beheld.  There  was  a  woman  with  a 
cancer  in  her  breast,  swelled  to  a  monstrous  size,  full 
of  holes,  in  two  or  three  of  which  I  could  have  easily 
crept,  and  covered  my  whole  body.  There  was  a 
'fellow  with  a  wen  in  his  neck,  larger  than  five  wool- 
packs  ;.  and  another  with  a  couple  of  wooden  legs, 
each  about  twenty  feet  high.  But  the  most  hateful 
sight  of  all  was  the  lice  crawling  on  their  clothes. 
I  could  see  distinctly  the  limbs  of  these  vermin  with 
my  naked  eye,  much  better  than  those  of  an  European 
louse  through  a  microscope,  and  their  snouts  with 
which  they  rooted  like  swine.  They  were  the  first 
I  had  ever  beheld,  and  I  should  have  been  curious 
enough  to  dissect  one  of  them,  if  I  had  had  proper  in- 
struments, which  I  unluckily  left  behind  me  in  the 
ship,  although,  indeed,  the  sight  was  so  nauseous, 
that  it  perfectly  turned  my  stomach. 

Besides   the   large    box  in  which    I    was   usually 
carried,  the  queen  ordered  a  smaller  one  to  be  made 
21* 


246  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

for  me,  of  about  twelve  feet  square,  and  ten  high,  fbf 
the  convenience  of  travelling ;  because  the  other  was 
somewhat  too  large  for  Glumdalclitch's  lap,  and 
cumbersome  in  the  coach  :  it  was  made  by  the  same 
artist,  whom  I  directed  in  the  whole  contrivance 
This  travelling  closet  was  an  exact  square,  with  a 
window  in  the  middle  of  three  of  the  squares,  and 
each  window  was  latticed  with  iron  wire  on  the  out- 
side,  to  prevent  accidents  in  long  journeys.  On  the 
fourth  side,  which  had  no  window,  two  strong  staples 
were  fixed,  through  which  the  person  that  carried  me, 
when  I  had  a  mind  to  be  on  horseback,  put  a  leathern 
belt,  and  buckled  it  about  his  waist.  This  was  al- 
ways the  office  of  some  grave  trusty  servant,  in  whom 
I  could  confide,  whether  I  attended  the  king  and  queen 
in  their  progresses,  or  were  disposed  to  see  the  gar- 
dens,  or  pay  a  visit  to  some  great  lady  or  minister  of 
state  in  the  court,  when  Glumdalclitch  happened  to 
be  out  of  order ;  for  I  soon  began  to  be  known  and 
esteemed  among  the  greatest  officers,  I  suppose  more 
upon  account  of  their  majesties'  favour,  than  any 
merit  of  my  own.  In  journeys,  when  I  was  weary 
of  the  coach,  a  servant  on  horseback  would  buckle  on 
my  box,  and  place  it  upon  a  cushion  before  him  ;  and 
there  I  had  a  full  prospect  of  the  country  on  three 
sides,  from  my  three  windows.  I  had,  in  this  closet, 
a  field-bed,  and  a  hammock  hung  from  the  ceiling, 
two  chairs,  and  a  table,  neatly  screwed  to  the  floor, 
to  prevent  being  tossed  about  by  the  agitation  of  the 
horse,  or  the  coach.  And  having  been  long  used  to 
eea  voyages,  those  motions,  although  sometimes  very 
violent,  did  not  much  discompose  me 


A    VOYAGE   TO   BROBDINGNAG.  247 

Whenever  I  had  a  mind  to  see  the  tow.i,  it  was 
always  in  my  travelling  closet :  which  Glumdalclitch 
held  in  her  lap  in  a  kind  of  open  sedan,  after  the 
fashion  of  the  country,  borne  by  four  men,  and 
attended  by  two  others  in  the  queen's  livery.  The 
people,  who  had  often  heard  of  me,  were  very  curious 
to  crowd  about  the  sedan,  and  the  girl  was  com- 
plaisant enough  to  make  the  bearers  stop,  and  to  take 
me  in  her  hand  that  I  might  be  more  conveniently 
seen. 

I  was  very  desirous  to  see  the  chief  temple,  and 
particularly  the  tower  belonging  to  it,  which  is 
reckoned  ihe  highest  in  the  kingdom.  Accordingly, 
one  day  my  nurse  carried  me  thither,  but  [  may  truly 
say  I  came  back  disappointed  ;  for  the  height  is  not 
-above  three  thousand  feet,  reckoning  from  the  ground 
to  the  highest  pinnacle  top ;  which,  allowing  for  the 
difference  between  the  size  of  those  people  and  us  in 
Europe,  is  no  great  matter  for  admiration,  nor  at  all 
equal  in  proportion  (if  I  rightly  remember)  to  Salis- 
bury steeple.  But,  not  to  detract  from  a  nation,  to 
which,  during  my  life,  I  shall  acknowledge  myself 
extremely  obliged,  it  must  be  allowed,  that  whatever 
this  famous  tower  wants  in  height,  is  amply  made  up 
in  beauty  and  strength  ;  for  the  walls  are  near  a 
hundred  feet  thick,  built  of  hewn  stone,  whereof  each 
is  about  forty  feet  square,  and  adorned  on  all  sides 
with  statues  of  gods  and  emperors,  cut  in  marble, 
larger  than  the  life,  placed  in  their  several  niches. 
I  measured  a  little  finger  which  had  fallen  down  from 
one  of  these  statues,  and  lay  unperceived  among  some 


248  GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 

rubbish,  and  found  it  exactly  four  feet  and  an  inch  in 
length.1  Glumdalclitch  wrapped  it  up  in  her  hand- 
kerchief,  and  carried  it  home  in  her  pocket,  to  keep 
among  other  trinkets,  of  which  the  girl  was  very  fond, 
as  children  at  her  age  usually  are. 

The  king's  kitchen  is,  indeed,  a  noble  building, 
vaulted  at  top,  and  about  six  hundred  feet  high.  The 
great  oven  is  not  so  wi.Je,  by  ten  paces,  as  the  cupola 
at  Si.  Paul's  ;  for  I  measured  the  latter  on  purpose, 
after  rny  return.  But  if  1  should  describe  the  kitchen 
grate,  the  prodigious  pots  and  kettles,  the  joints  of 
meat  turning  on  the  spits,  with  many  other  particulars, 
perhaps  I  should  be  hardly  believed;  at  least  a  severe 
critic  would  be  apt  to  think  1  enlarged  a  little,  as 
travellers  are  often  suspected  to  do.  To  avoid  which 
censure,  1  fear  I  have  run  too  much  into  the  other  ex- 
treme, and  that  if  this  treatise  should  happen  to  be 
translated  into  the  language  of  Brobdingnag  (which  is 
the  general  name  of  that  kingdom),  and  transmitted 
thither,  the  king  and  his  people  would  have  reason  to 

1  Had  Swift  seen  the  colossal  statuary  of  ancient  Egypt,  he 
would  have  found  that  it  rivalled  the  imaginary  sculpture  of 
Brobdingnag.  Belzoni  has  given  the  exact  dimensions  of  the 
four  stupendous  figures  which  are  seated  side  by  side  in  front 
of  the  excavated  temple  of  Ipsambul ;  each  of  them,  though 
seated,  measures  sixty-four  feet  from  the  ground  to  the  top  of 
the  cap :  the  arm,  from  the  shoulder  to  the  elbow,  measures 
fifteen  feet  and  a  half,  the  ear  three  feet  and  a  half,  and  the  chest, 
across  the  shoulders,  twenty-five  feet  four  inches.  Yet  the  great 
Sphinx  is  half  as  large  again  as  these.  Among  the  Egyptian 
antiquities  there  is  a  colossal  fist,  probably  belonging  to  a  sphinx  : 
were  the  hand  opened,  the  finger  would  be  nearly  of  the  size  of 
that  which  Glumdalclitch  is  said  to  have  picked  up. 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  249 

complain  that  I  had  done  them  an  injury,  by  a  false 
and  diminutive  representation.1 

His  majesty  seldom  keeps  above  six  hundred  horses 
in  his  stables;  they  are  generally  from  fifty-four  to 
sixty  feet  high.  But,  when  he  goes  abroad  on  solemn 
days,  he  is  attended,  for  state,  by  a  militia  guard  of 
five  hundred  horse,  which,  indeed,  I  thought  was  the 
most  splendid  sight  that  could  be  ever  beheld,  till  I 
saw  part  of  his  army  in  battalia,  whereof  I  shall  find 
another  occasion  to  speak. 

1  Lord  Orrery  has  directed  attention  to  the  air  of  probability 
which  Swift's  minute  attention  to  proportions,  and  his  reference 
to  familiar  objects  as  a  standard,  give  to  his  account  of  Lilliput. 
The  same  tact  is  not  less  observable  in  the  account  of  Brobding- 
nag,  and  particularly  in  the  comparison  of  the  royal  kitchen  with 
the  cupola  of  St.  Paul's;  perhaps  also  Swift  intended  to  hint 
that  St.  Paul's,  however  splendid  as  an  edifice,  does  not,  like  the 
gothic  cathedrals,  immediately  suggest  that  it  was  » ,<xted  for 
religious  purposes. 


CHAPTER  V. 

b*«tral  advent  ores  thai  lappened  to  the  author— TUe  execution  of  a  criminal-* 
The  author  shows  his  skill  in  navigation. 

IUSTLY  may  I  say,  that  I  should  have  lived  happy 
enough  in  the  country,  if  my  littleness  had  not  ex- 
posed me  to  several  ridiculous  and  troublesome  ac- 
cidents ;  some  of  which  I  shall  venture  to  relate. 
Glumdalclitch  often  carried  me  into  the  gardens  of 
the  court  in  my  smaller  box,  and  would  sometimes 
take  me  out  of  it,  and  hold  me  in  her  hand,  or  set  mo 
down  to  walk.  I  remember,  before  the  dwarf  left  the 
queen,  he  followed  us  one  day  into  those  gardens,  and 
my  nurse  having  set  me  down,  he  and  I  being  close 
together,  near  some  dwarf  apple-trees,  I  must  need 
show  my  wit,  by  a  silly  allusion  between  him  and 
the  trees,  which  happens  to  hold  in  their  language  as 
it  does  in  ours.  Whereupon,  the  malicious  rogue, 
watching  his  opportunity,  when  I  was  walking  under 
one  of  them,  shook  it  directly  over  my  head,  by  which 
a  dozen  apples,  each  of  them  near  as  large  as  a  Bris- 
tol barrel,  came  tumbling  about  my  ears;  one  of 
them  hit  me  on  the  back  as  I  chanced  to  stoop,  and 
knocked  me  down  flat  on  my  face  ;  but  I  received  no 
other  hurt,  and  the  dwarf  was  pardoned  at  my  desire, 
because  I  had  given  the  provocation. 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  251 

Another  day,  Glumdalcliteh  left  me  ou  a  smooth 
gra.ss.plot  to  divert  myself,  while  she  walked  at  some 
distance  with  her  governess.  In  the  mean  time,  there 
suddenly  fell  such  a  violent  shower  of  hail,  that  1  was 
immediately,  by  the  force  of  it,  struck  to  the  ground  ; 
arid  when  I  was  down,  the  haiJstones  gave  me  such 
cruel  bangs  all  over  the  body,  as  if  I  had  been  pelted 
with  tennis-balls  ;  however,  I  made  a  shift  to  creep  on 
all  fours,  and  shelter  myself,  by  lying  flat  on  my  face, 
on  the  lee-side  of  a  border  of  lemon-thyme ;  but  so 
bruised  from  head  to  foot,  that  1  could  not  go  abroad 
in  ten  days.  Neither  is  that  at  all  to  be  wondered  at, 
because  nature,  in  that  country,  observing  the  same 
proportion  through  all  her  operations,  a  hailstone  is 
near  eighteen  hundred  times  as  large  as  one  in  Eu- 
rope ;  which  I  can  assert  upon  experience,  having 
been  so  curious1  to  weigh  and  measure  them. 

But  a  more  dangerous  accident  happened  to  me  in 
the  same  garden,  when  my  little  nurse,  believing  she 
had  put  me  in  a  secure  place  (which  I  often  entreated 
her  to  do,  that  I  might  enjoy  my  own  thoughts),  and 
having  left  my  box  at  home,  to  avoid  the  trouble  of 
carrying  it,  went  to  another  part  of  the  garden  with 
her  governess  and  some  ladies  of  her  acquaintance. 
While  she  was  absent,  and  out  of  hearing,  a  small 
white  spaniel  that  belonged  to  one  of  the  chief  garden- 
ers, having  got  by  accident  into  the  garden,  happened 
to  range  near  the  place  where  I  lay  ;  the  dog,  follow- 
ing the  scent,  came  directly  up,  and  taking  me  in  his 

1  The  particle  "as,"  is  here  improperly  omitted ;  it  should  be^ 
EO  curious  "  as  "  to  weigh,  etc. — Sheridan. 


2o2  GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 

mouth,  ran  straight  to  his  master  wagging  Lis  tail^ 
and  set  me  gently  on  the  ground.  By  good  fortune  ha 
had  been  so  well  taught,  that  I  was  carried  between 
his  teeth  without  the  least  hurt,  or  even  tearing  my 
clothes.  But  the  poor  gardener,  who  knew  me  well,  and 
had  a  great  kindness  for  me,  was  in  a  terrible  fright : 
he  gently  took  me  up  in  both  his  hands,  and  asked  mf> 


how  I  did ;  but  I  was  so  amazed  and  out  of  breath, 
that  I  could  not  speak  a  word.     In  a  few  minutes  I 


A  VOYAGE  TO  EKOBDINGNAG.  253 

came  to  myself,  and  he  carried  me  safe  to  my  little 
nurse,  who,  by  this  time,  had  returned  to  the  place 
where  she  left  me,  and  was  in  cruel  agonies  when  I 
did  not  appear,  nor  answer  when  she  called.  She 
severely  reprimanded  the  gardener  on  account  of  his 
dog.  But  the  thing  was  hushed  up,  and  never  known 
at  court,  for  the  girl  was  afraid  of  the  queen's  anger; 
and  truly,  as  to  myself,  I  thought  it  would  not  be 
for  my  reputation  that  such  a  story  should  go  about. 

This  accident  absolutely  determined  Glumdalclitch 
never  to  trust  me  abroad  for  the  future  out  of  her  sight. 
I  had  been  long  afraid  of  this  resolution,  and  there- 
fore concealed  from  her  some  little  unlucky  adven- 
tures, that  happened  in  those  times  when  I  was  left  by 
myself.  Once  a  kite,  hovering  over  the  garden,  made  a 
stoop  at  me,  and  if  I  had  not  resolutely  drawn  my  han- 
ger, and  run  under  a  thick  espalier,  he  would  have 
certainly  carried  me  away  in  his  talons.  Another 
time,  walking  to  the  top  of  a  fresh  molehill,  I  fell  to 
my  neck  in  the  hole,  through  which  that  animal  had 
cast  up  the  earth,  and  coined  some  lie,  not  worth  re- 
membering, to  excuse  myself  for  spoiling  my  clothes. 
I  likewise  broke  my  right  shin  against  the  shell  of  a 
snail,  which  I  happened  to  stumble  over,  as  I  was 
walking  alone  and  thinking  on  poor  England. 

I  cannot  tell  whether  I  were  more  pleased  or  mor- 
tified to  observe,  in  those  solitary  walks,  that  the 
smaller  birds  did  not  appear  to  be  at  all  afraid  of  me, 
but  would  hop  about  within  a  yard's  distance,  look, 
ing  for  worms  and  other  food,  with  as  much  indiffer- 
ence and  security  as  if  no  creature  at  all  were  near 
22 


254  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

• 

them.  I  remember,  a  thrush  had  the  confidence  to 
snatch  out  of  my  hand,  with  his  bill,  a  piece  of  cake 
that  Glumdalolitch  had  just  given  me  for  my  break- 
fast.  When  I  attempted  to  eaten  any  of  these  birds, 
they  would  boldly  turn  against  me,  endeavouring  to 
peck  my  fingers,  which  I  durst  not  venture  wrthin 
their  reach  ;  and  then  they  would  hop  back  uncon- 
cerned, to  hunt  for  worms  or  snails,  as  they  did  before. 
But  one  day,  I  took  a  thick  cudgel,  and  threw  it  with 
all  my  strength  so  luckily,  at  a  linnet,  that  I  knocked 
him  down,  and  seizing  him  by  the  neck  with  both  my 
hands,  ran  with  him  in  triumph  to  my  nurse.  How- 
ever, the  bird,  who  had  only  been  stunned,  recovering 
himself,  gave  me  so  many  boxes  with  his  wings,  on 
both  sides  of  my  head  and  body,  though  I  held  him 
at  arm's-length,  and  was  out  of  the  reach  of  his  claws, 
that  I  was  twenty  times  thinking  to  let  him  go.  But 
I  was  soon  relieved  by  one  of  our  servants,  who 
wrung  off  the  bird's  neck,  and  I  had  him  next  day 
for  dinner,  by  the  queen's  command.  This  linnet, 
as  near  as  I  can  remember,  seemed  to  be  somewhat 
larger  than  an  English  swan. 

The  maids  of  honour  often  invited  Glumdalclitch  to 
their  apartments,  and  desired  she  would  bring  me 
along  with  her,  on  purpose  to  have  the  pleasure  of 
seeing  and  touching  me.1  They  would  often  strip  me 

1  Swift  attributed  his  disappointment  in  his  hopes  of  obtaining 
a  bishopric  from  Queen  Anne  to  the  united  influence  »f  female 
intrigues  and  the  remonstrances  of  Archbishop  Sharpe.  The 
Duchess  of  Somerset  is  said  to  have  besought  the  queen  on  bet 
knees  not  to  grant  him  promotion,  in  revenge  for  a  bitter  lam- 
poon, in  which  the  character  of  the  duchess  was  very  roughly 


A   VOYAGE   TO    BROBDINGNAG.  255 

naked  from  top  to  toe,  and  lay  me  at  full  length  in 
their  bosoms,  wherewith  I  was  much  disgusted  ;  be- 
cause,  to  say  the  truth,  a  very  offensive  smell  came 
from  their  skins  ;  which  I  do  not  mention  or  intend  to 
the  disadvantages  of  those  excellent  ladies,  for  whom 
I  have  all  manner  of  respect ;  but  I  conceive  that  my 
sense  was  more  acute  in  proportion  to  my  littleness, 
and  that  those  illustrious  persons  were  no  more  disa- 
greeable to  their  lovers,  or  to  each  other,  than  people 
of  the  same  quality  are  with  us  in  England.  And 
after  all,  I  found  their  natural  smell  was  much  more 
supportable  than  when  they  used  perfumes,  under 
which  I  immediately  swooned  away.  I  cannot  forget, 
that  an  intimate  friend  of  mine  in  Lilliput  took  the 
freedom  in  a  warm  day,  when  I  had  used  a  good  deal 
of  exercise,  to  complain  of  a  strong  smell  about  me, 
although  I  am  as  little  faulty  that  way  as  most  of  my 
sex  ;  but  I  suppose  his  faculty  of  smelling  was  as 
nice  with  regard  to  me,  as  mine  was  to  that  of  this 
people.  Upon  this  point,  I  cannot  forbear  doing  jus- 
tice  to  the  queen  my  mistress,  and  Glumdalclitch  my 
nurse,  whose  persons  were  as  sweet  as  those  of  any 
lady  in  England. 

That  which  gave  me  most  uneasiness  among  these 
maids  of  honour  (when  my  nurse  carried  me  to  visit 
them)  was,  to  see  them  use  me  without  any  manner 
of  ceremony,  like  a  creature  who  had  no  sort  of  con- 
cupiscence ;  for  they  would  strip  themselves  to  the 

handled.  Coarse  as  is  the  description  here  given  of  the  maids  of 
honour  in  the  court  of  Brobdingnag,  there  is  reason  to  believe 
that  it  has  been  much  softened  down  from  the  original  sketch. 


256  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

skin,  and  put  their  smocks  on  in  my  presence,  while 
I  was  placed  on  their  toilet,  directly  before  their  naked 
bodies,  which  I  am  sure  to  me  was  very  far  from  being 
a  tempting  sight,  or  from  giving  me  any  other  emo- 
tions than  those  of  horror  and  disgust ;  their  skins 
appeared  so  coarse  and  uneven,  so  variously  coloured, 
when  I  saw  them  near,  with  a  mole  here  and  there  as 
broad  as  a  trencher,  and  hairs  hanging  from  it  thicker 
than  packthreads,  to  say  nothing  farther  concerning 
the  rest  of  their  persons.  Neither  did  they  at  all 
scruple,  while  I  was  by,  to  discharge  what  they  had 
drank,  to  the  quantity  of  at  least  two  hogsheads,  in  a 
vessel  that  held  above  three  tons.  The  handsomest 
among  these  maids  of  honour,  a  pleasant  frolicksome 
girl  of  sixteen,  would  sometimes  set  me  astride  upon 
one  of  her  nipples,  with  many  other  tricks,  wherein 
the  reader  will  excuse  me  for  not  being  over  particu- 
lar. But  I  was  so  much  displeased,  that  I  entreated 
Glumdalclitch  to  contrive  some  excuse  for  not  seeing 
that  young  lady  any  more. 

One  day,  a  young  gentleman,  who  was  nephew  to 
my  nurse's  governess,  came  and  pressed  them  both  to 
see  an  execution.  It  was  of  a  man,  who  had  mur- 
dered one  of  that  gentleman's  intimate  acquaintance. 
Glumdalclitch  was  prevailed  onto  be  of  the  company, 
very  much  against  her  inclination,  for  she  was  natu- 
rally tender-hearted  ;  and  as  for  myself,  although  I 
abhorred  such  kind  of  spectacles,  yet  'my  curiosity 
tempted  me  to  see  something  that  I  thought  must  be 
extraordinary.  The  malefactor  was  fixed  on  a  chair 
upon  a  scaffold  erected  for  that  purpose,  and  his  head 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  '257 

c  U  off  at  one  blow,  with  a  sword  of  about  forty  feet 
long.  The  veins  and  arteries  spouted  up  such  a  pro- 
digious quantity  of  blood,  and  so  high  in  the  air,  that 
the  great  jet  d'eau  at  Versailles  was  not  equal1  for  the 
time  it  lasted  •  and  the  head,  when  it  fell  on  the  scaf- 
fold  floor,  gave  such  a  bounce  as  made  me  start, 
although  I  were  at  least  half  an  English  mile  distant. 
The  queen  who  often  used  to  hear  me  talk  of  my 
sea- voyages,  and  took  all  occasions  to  divert  me  when 
I  was  melancholy,  asked  me  whether  I  understood 
how  to  handle  a  sail  or  an  oar,  and  whether  a  little 
exercise  of  rowing  might  not  be  convenient  for  my 
health  ?  I  answered  that  I  understood  both  very  well : 
for  although  my  proper  employment  had  been  to  be 
surgeon  or  doctor  to  the  ship,  yet  often,  upon  a  pinch, 
I  was  forced  to  work  like  a  common  mariner.  But  I 
could  not  see  how  this  could  be  done  in  their  country, 
where  the  smallest  wherry  was  equal  to  a  first-rate 
man-of-war  among  us ;  and  such  a  boat  as  I  could 
manage  would  never  live  in  any  of  their  rivers.  Her 
majesty  said,  "  If  I  would  contrive  a  boat,  her  own 
joiner  should  make  it,  and  she  would  provide  a  place 
for  me  to  sail  in."  The  fellow  was  an  ingenious 
workman,  and  by  my  instructions,  in  ten  days,  finished 
a  pleasure  boat,  with  all  its  tackling,  able  conveniently 
to  hold  eight  Europeans.  When  it  was  finished,  the 
queen  was  so  delighted,  that  she  ran  with  it  in  her  lap, 
to  the  king,  who  ordered  it  to  be  put  into  a  cistern  full 
of  water,  with  me  in  it,  by  way  of  trial  ;  where  1 
could  not  manage  my  two  skulls,  or  little  oars,  fof 

1  It  should  be — "  -vas  not  equal  to  it,"  etc, — Sheridan. 
22* 


258  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

want  of  room.  But  the  queen  had  before  contrived 
another  project.  She  ordered  the  joiner  to  make  a 
wooden  trough  of  three  hundred  feet  long,  fifty  broad, 
and  eight  deep :  which  being  well  pitched  to  prevent 
leaking,  was  placed  on  ihS  floor  along  the  wall,  in  an 
outer  room  of  the  palace.  It  had  a  cock  near  the 
bottom  to  let  out  the  water,  when  it  began  to  grow 
stale  ;  and  two  servants  could  easily  fill  it  in  half  an 
hour.  Here  I  often  used  to  row  for  my  own  diversion, 
as  well  as  that  of  the  queen  and  her  ladies,  who  thought 
themselves  well  entertained  with  my  sKill  and  agility. 
Sometimes  I  would  put  up  my  sail,  and  then  my  bus- 
iness was  only  to  steer,  while  the  ladies  gave  me  a 
gale  with  their  fans  ;  and  when  they  were  weary, 
some  of  their  pages  would  blow  my  sail  forward  with 
their  breath,  while  I  showed  my  art  by  steering  star- 
board  or  larboard  as  I  pleased.  When  I  had  done, 
Glumdalclitch  always  carried  back  my  boat  into  her 
closet,  and  hung  it  on  a  nail  to  dry. 

In  this  exercise  I  once  met  an  accident,  which  had 
like  to  have  cost  me  my  life  ;  for,  one  of  the  pages 
having  put  my  boat  into  the  trough,  the  governess  who 
attended  Glumdalclitch  very  officiously  lifted  me  up, 
to  place  me  in  the  boat ;  but  I  happened  to  slip  through 
her  fingers,  and  should  infallibly  have  fallen  down 
forty  feet,  upon  the  -floor,  if,  by  the  luckiest  chance  in 
the  world,  I  had  not  been  stopped  by  a  corking-pir. 
that  stuck  in  the  good  gentlewoman's  stomacher  ;  the 
head  of  the  pin  passed  between  my  shirt  and  the  waist- 
band  of  my  breeches,  and  thus  I  was  held  by  the  mid. 
die  in  the  air,  till  Glumdalclitch  ran  to  my  relief. 


A  VOYAGE  TO  BROB^INGNAG.  259 

Another  time,  one  of  the  servants,  whose  office  it 
was  to  fill  my  trough  every  third  day  with  fresh 
Water,  was  so  careless1  to  let  a  huge  frog  (not  per- 
ceiving it)  slip  out  of  his  pail.  The  frog  lay  con- 
cealed till  I  was  put  into  my  boat,  but  then,  seeing  a 
resting-place,  climbed  up,  and  made  it  lean  so  much 
on  one  side,  that  I  was  forced  to  balance  it  with  all 
my  weight  on  the  other  to  prevent  overturning. 
When  the  frog  was  got  in,  it  hopped  at  once  half  the 
length  of  the  boat,  and  then  over  my  head,  backward 
and  forward,  daubing  my  face  and  clothes  with  its 
odious  slime.  The  largeness  of  its  features  made  it 
appear  the  most  deformed  animal  that  can  be  con- 
ceived. However,  I  desired  Glumdalclitch  to  let  me 
deal  with  it  alone.  I  banged  it  a  good  while  with  one 
of  my  sculls,  and  at  last  forced  it  to  leap  out  of  the 
boat. 

But  the  greatest  danger  I  underwent  in  that  king, 
dom?  was  from  a  monkey,  who  belonged  to  one  of  the 
clerks  of  the  kitchen.  Glumdalclitch  had  locked  me 
up  in  her  closet,  while  she  went  somewhere  upon 
business,  or  a  visit.  The  weather  being  very  warm, 
the  closet  window  was  left  open,  as  well  as  the  win- 
dows and  the  door  of  my  bigger  box,  in  which  I 
usually  lived,  because  of  its  largeness  and  con- 
veniency.  As  I  sat  quietly  meditating  at  my  table, 
I  heard  something  bounce  in  at  the  closet-window, 
and  skip  about  from  one  side  to  the  other ;  whereat, 
although  I  was  much  alarmed,  yet  I  ventured  to  look 
out,  but  not  stirring  from  my  seat ;  and  then  I  saw 

1  It  should  be — "  was  so  careless  as  to  let." — Sheridan. 


260  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

this  frolicsome  animal  frisking  and  leaping  up  and 
down,  till  at  last  he  came  to  my  box,  which  he  seemed 
to  view  with  great  pleasure  and  curiosity,  peeping  in 
at  the  door  and  every  window.  I  retreated  to  the 
farther  corner  of  my  room,  or  box  ;  but  the  monkey 
looking  in  at  every  side,  put  me  into  such  a  fright, 
that  I  wanted  presence  of  mind  to  conceal  myself 
under  the  bed,  as  I  might  easily  have  done.  Aftei 
some  time  spent  in  peeping,  grinning,  and  chattering, 
he  at  last  espied  me ;  and  reaching  one  of  his  pawa 
in  at  the  door,  as  a  cat  does  when  she  plays  with  a 
mouse,  although  I  often  shifted  place  to  avoid  him,  he 
at  length  seized  the  lappet  of  my  coat  (which  being 
made  of  that  country  silk,  was  very  thick  and  strong), 
and  dragged  me  out.  He  took  me  up  in  his  right 
fore-foot,  and  held  me  as  a  nunse  does  a  child  she  is 
going  to  suckle,  just  as  I  have  seen,  the  same  sort  of 
creature  do  with  a  kitten  in  Europe  ;  and  when  I 
offered  to  struggle,  he  squeezed  me  so  hard,  that  I 
thought  it  more  prudent  to  submit.  I  have  good 
reason  to  believe  that  he  took  me  for  a  young  one  of 
his  own  species,  by  his  often  stroking  my  face  very 
gently  with  his  other  paw.  In  these  diversions  he 
was  interrupted  by  a  noise  at  the  closet  door,  as  if 
somebody  were  opening  it ;  whereupon  he  suddenly 
leaped  up  to  the  window,  at  which  he  had  come  in, 
and  thence  upon  the  leads  and  gutters,  walking  upon 
three  legs,  and  holding  me  in  the  fourth,  till  he  clam- 
bered up  to  a  roof  that  was  next  to  ours.  I  heard 
Glumdalclitch  give  a  shriek  the  moment  he  waa 
carrying  me  out.  The  poor  girl  was  almost  dis. 


A  VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  261 

traded  ;  that  quarter  of  the  palace  was  all  in  an  up- 
roar  ;  the  servants  ran  for  ladders  ;  the  monkey  was 
seen  by  hundreds  in  the  court,  sitting  upon  the  ridge 
of  a  building,  holding  me  like  a  baby  in  one  of  his 
fore-paws,  and  feeding  me  with  the  other,  by  cram- 
ming  into  my  mouth  some  victuals  he  had  squeezed 
out  of  the  bag  on  one  side  of  his  chaps,  and  patting 
me  when  I  would  not  eat ;  whereat  many  of  the 
rabble  below  could  not  forbear  laughing  ;  neither  do 
I  tnink  they  justly  ought  to  be  blamed,  for,  without 
question,  the  sight  was  ridiculous  enough  to  every 
body  but  myself.  Some  of  the  people  threw  up  stones, 
hoping  to  drive  the  monkey  down  ;  but  this  was 
strictly  forbidden,  or  else,  very  probably,  my  brains 
had  been  dashed  out. 

The  ladders  were  now  applied,  and  mounted  by 
several  men  ;  which  the  monkey  observing,  and  find, 
ing  himself  almost  encompassed,  not  being  able  to 
make  speed  enough  with  his  three  legs,  let  me  drop 
on  a  ridge  tile,  and  made  his  escape.  Here  I  sat  for 
some  time,  five  hundred  yards  from  the  ground,  ex- 
pecting every  moment  to  be  blown  down  by  the  wind, 
or  to  fall  by  my  own  giddiness,  and  come  tumbling 
over  and  over  from  the  ridge  to  the  eaves :  but  an 
honest  lad,  one  of  my  nurse's  footmen,  climbed  up, 
and  putting  me  into  his  breeches-pocket,  brought  me 
down  safe. 

I  was  almost  choked  with  the  filthy  stuff  the  monkey 
had  crammed  down  my  throat ;  but  my  dear  little 
nurse  picked  it  our  of  my  mou  h  with  a  small  needle, 


262  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

and  then  I  fell  a  vomiting,  which  gave  me  groat  re 
lief.  Yet  I  was  so  weak  and  bruised  in  the  sides 
with  the  squeezes  given  me  by  this  odious  animal, 
that  I  was  forced  to  keep  my  bed  a  fortnight.  The 
king,  queen,  and  all  the  court,  sent  every  day  to  in- 
quire  after  my  health ;  and  her  majesty  made  me 
several  visits  during  my  sickness.  The  monkey  was 
killed,  and  an  order  made  that  no  such  animal  should 
be  kept  about  the  palace. 

When  I  attended  the  king  after  my  recovery,  to 
return  him  thanks  for  his  favours,  he  was  pleased  to 
rally  me  a  good  deal  upon  this  adventure.  He  asked 
me,  "  what  my  thoughts  and  speculations  were  while 
I  lay  in  the  monkey's  paw  ?  how  I  liked  the  victuals 
he  gave  me  ?  his  manner  of  feeding  ?  and  whether 
the  fresh  air  on  the  roof  had  sharpened  my  stomach  ?" 
He  desired  to  know  t:  what  I  would  have  done  upon 
such  an  occasion  in  'my  own  country  ?"  I  told  his 
majesty,  "  that  ;n  Europe  we  had  no  monkeys  except 
such  as  were  brought  for  curiosities  from  other  places, 
and  so  small  that  I  could  deal  with  a  dozen  of  them 
together,  if  they  presumed  to  attack  me.  And  as  for 
that  monstrous  animal,  with  whom  I  was  so  lately 
engaged  (it  was  indeed  as  large  as  an  elephant),  if 
my  fears  had  suffered  me  to  think  so  far  as  to  make 
use  of  my  hanger  (looking  fiercely,  and  clapping  my 
hand  upon  the  hift,  as  I  spoke)  when  he  poked  his 
paw  into  my  chamber,  perhaps  I  should  have  given 
him  such  a  wound,  as  would  have  made  him  glad  to 
withdraw  it,  with  more  haste  than  he  put  it  m." 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  263 

This  I  delivered  in  a  firm  tone,  like  a  person  who  was 
jealous  lest  his  courage  should  be  called  in  question. 
However,  my  speech  produced  nothing  else  beside  a 
loud  laughter,  which  all  the  respect  due  to  his  majesty 
from  those  about  him  could  not  make  them  contain. 
This  made  me  reflect,  how  vain  an  attempt  it  is  for  a 
man  to  endeavour  to  do  himself  honour  among  those 
who  are  out  of  all  degree  of  equality  or  comparison 
with  him.  And  yet  I  have  seen  the  moral  of  my  own 
behaviour  very  frequent  in  England  since  my  return  ; 
where  a  little  contemptible  varlet,  without  the  least 
title  to  birth,  person,  wit,  or  common  sense,  shall  pre- 
sume to  look  with  importance,  and  put  himself  upon 
a  foot  with  the  greatest  persons  of  the  kingdom. 

I  was  every  day  furnishing  the  court  with  some 
ridiculous  story ;  and  Glumdalclitch,  although  she 
loved  me  to  excess,  yet  was  arch  enough  to  inform 
the  queen,  whenever  I  committed  any  folly  that  she 
thought  would  be  diverting  to  her  majesty.  The  girl, 
who  had  been  out  of  order,  was  carried  by  her  gov- 
erness to  take  the  air  about  an  hour's  distance,  or 
thirty  miles  from  town.  They  alighted  out  of  the 
coach  near  a  small  footpath  in  a  field,  and  Glumdal- 
clitch setting  down  my  travelling  box,  I  went  out  of 
it  to  walk.  There  was  a  cow-dung  in  the  path,  and 
I  must  need  try  my  activity  by  attempting  to  leap 
over  it.  I  took  a  run,  but  unfortunately  jumped 
short,  and  found  myself  just  in  the  middle,  up  to  my 
knees.  I  waded  through  with  some  difficulty,  and 
one  of  the  footmen  wiped  me  as  clean  as  he  could  with 


264  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

his  handkerchief,  for  I  was  filthily  bemired  j  and  my 
nurse  confined  me  to  my  box,  till  we  returned  home  ; 
where  the  queen  was  soon  informed  of  what  had 
passed,  and  the  footmen  spread  it  about  the  court : 
eo  that  all  the  mirth  for  some  days  was  at  my  expense. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

•rreral  contrivances  of  the  author  to  please  the  king  and  qu«ta— He  showi  bu 
tkill  in  music— The  king  inquires  into  the  state  of  E^gii.v.!,  which  the  author 
relates  to  him— The  king's  observations  thereon. 

JOINED  as  1  was  to  the  court,  I  used  to  attend  the 
king's  levee  once  or  twice  a  week,  and  had  often  seen 
him  under  the  barber's  hand,  which  indeed  was  at 
first  very  terrible  to  behold  ;  for  the  razor  was  almost 
twice  as  long  as  an  ordinary  scythe.  His  majesty, 
according  to  the  custom  of  the  country,  was  only 
shaved  twice  a- week.  I  once  prevailed  on  the  barber 
to  give  me  some  of  the  suds  or  lather,  out  of  which  1 
picked  forty  or  fifty  of  the  strongest  stumps  of  hair.  I 
then  took  a  piece  of  fine  wood,  and  cut  it  like  the  back 
of  a  comb,  making  several  holes  in  it  at  equal  dis- 
tances, with  as  small  a  needle  as  I  could  get  from 
Glumdalclitch.  I  fixed  in  the  stumps  so  artificially, 
scraping  and  sloping  them  with  my  knife  towards  the 
points,  that  I  made  a  very  tolerable  comb  ;  which 
was  a  seasonable  supply,  my  own  being  so  much 
broken  in  the  teeth,  that  it  was  almost  useless  ;  neither 
did  I  know  any  artist  in  that  country  so  nice  and 
exact,  as  would  undertake  to  make  me  another. 

And  this  puts  me  in  mind  of  an  amusement,  where- 
in I  spent  many  of  my  leisure  hours.  I  desired  the 
23 


2(>6  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

queen's  worn  in  to  save  for  me  the  combings  of  her  ma- 
jn sty's  hair,  whereof  in  time  I  got  a  good  quantity;  and 
consulting  with  my  friend  the  cabinet-maker,  who  had 
received  general  orders  to  do  little  jobs  for  me,  I  di. 
reeled  him  to  make  two  chair  frames,  no  larger  than 
those  I  had  in  my  box,  and  to  bore  little  holes  with  a 
fine  awl,  round  those  parts  where  I  designed  the  backs 
and  seats  :  through  these  holes  I  wove  the  strongest 
hairs  I  could  pick  out,  just  after  the  manner  of  cane 
chairs  in  England.  When  they  were  finished,  I  made 
a  present  of  them  to  her  majesty,  who  kept  them  in 
her  cabinet,  and  used  to  show  them  for  curiosities,  as 
indeed  they  were  the  wonder  of  every  one  that  beheld 
them.  The  queen  would  have  had  me  sit  upon  one 
of  these  chairs,  but  I  absolutely  refused  to  obey  her, 
protesting  I  would  rather  die  a  thousand  deaths,  than 
place  a  dishonourable  part  of  my  body  on  those  pre- 
cious hairs  that  once  adorned  her  majesty's  head. 
Of  these  hairs  (as  I  had  always  a  mechanical  genius) 
I  likewise  made  a  neat  little  purse,  about  five  feet 
long,  with  her  majesty's  name  deciphered  in  gold  let- 
ters, which  I  gave  to  Glumdalclitch  by  the  queen's 
consent.  To  say  the  truth  it  was  more  for  show  than 
use,  being  not  of  strength  to  bear  the  weight  of  the 
larger  coins,  and  therefore  she  kept  nothing  in  it  but 
some  little  toys  that  girls  are  fond  of. 

The  king,  who  delignted  in  music,  had  frequent 
concerts  at  court,  to  which  I  was  sometimes  carried, 
and  set  in  my  box  on  the  table  to  hear  them  ;  but  the 
noise  was  so  great  that  I  could  hardly  distinguish  the 
tunes.  I  am  confident  that  all  the  drums  and  trumpets 


A   VOY^GfE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  267 

of  a  royal  array,  beating  and  sounding  together  just 
at  your  ears,  could  not  equal  it.  My  practice  was  to 
have  my  box  removed  from  the  place  where  the  per- 
formers  sat,  as  far  as  I  could,  then  to  shut  the  doors 
and  windows  of  it  and  draw  the  window  curtains,  ' 
after  which  I  found  their  music  not  disagreeable. 

I  had  learned  in  my  youth  to  play  a  litlle  upon  the 
spinet.  Glumdalclitch  kept  one  in  her  chamber, 
and  a  master  attended  twice  a- week  to  teach  her :  1 
called  it  a  spinet,  because  it  somewhat  resembled  that 
instrument,  and  was  played  upon  in  the  same  manner 
A  fancy  came  into  my  head  that  I  would  entertain  the 
king  and  queen  with  an  English  tune  upon  this  instru- 
ment. But  this  appeared  extremely  difficult:  for  the 
spinet  was  near  sixty  feet  long,  each  key  being  almost 
a  foot  wide,  so  that  with  my  arms  extended  I  could 
not  reach  to  above  five  keys,  and  to  press  them  down 
required  a  good  smart  stroke  with  my  fist,  which 
would  be  too  great  a  labour,  and  to  no  purpose.  The 
method  I  contrived  was  this  :  I  prepared  two  round 
sticks,  about  the  bigness  of  common  cudgels;  they  were 
thicker  at  one  end  than  the  other,  and  I  covered  the 
thicker  ends  with  pieces  of  a  mouse's  skin,  that  by 
rapping  on  them  I  might  neither  damage  the  tops  of 
the  keys  nor  interrupt  the  sound.  Before  the  spinet 
a  bench  was  placed,  about  four  feet  below  the  keys, 
and  I  was  put  upon  the  bench.  I  ran  sidelong  upon 
it,  that  way  and  this,  as  fast  as  I  could,  banging  the 
proper  keys  with  my  two  sticks,  and  made  a  shift  to 
play  a  jig,  to  the  great  satisfaction  of  both  their  ma. 
jesties ;  but  it  was  the  most  violent  exercise  I  ever 


268  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

underwent ;  and  yet  I  could  not  strike  above  sixteen 
keys,  nor,  consequently,  play  the  bass  and  treble  to- 
gether, as  other  artists  do  ;  which  was  a  great  disad- 
vantage to  my  performance. 

The  king,  who,  as  I  before  observed,  was  a  prince 
of  excellent  understanding,  would  frequently  order 
that  I  should  be  brought  in  my  box,  and  set  upon  the 
table  in  his  closet ;  he  would  then  command  me  to 
bring  one  of  my  chairs  out  of  the  box,  and  sit  down 
within  three  yards'  distance,  upon  the  top  of  the  cab- 
inet, which  brought  me  almost  to  a  level  with  his  face. 
In  this  manner  I  had  several  conversations  with  him. 
I  one  day  took  the  freedom  to  tell  his  majesty,  "  that 
the  contempt  he  discovered  towards  Europe,  and  the 
rest  of  the  world,  did  not  seem  answerable  to  those 
excellent  qualities  of  mind  that  he  was  master  of; 
that  reason  did  not  extend  itself  with  the  bulk  of  the 
body  ;  on  the  contrary,  we  observed  in  our  country, 
that  the  tallest  persons  were  usually  the  least  provid- 
ed with  it ;  that  among  other  animals,  bees  and  ants 
had  the  reputation  of  more  industry,  art,  and  sagacity, 
than  many  of  the  larger  kinds  ;  and  that,  as  inconsid- 
erable as  ne  took  me  to  be,  1  hoped  I  might  live  to  do 
his  majesty  some  signal  service."  The  king  heard 
me  with  attention,  and  began  to  conceive  a  much  bet 
ter  opinion  of  me  than  he  had  ever  before.  He  da 
sired  "  I  would  give  him  as  exact  an  account  of  th« 
government  of  England  as  I  possibly  could  ;  because, 
as  fond  as  princes  commonly  are  of  their  own  cus- 
toms (for  so  he  conjectured  of  other  monarchs  by  my 
former  discourses),  he  should  be  glad  to  hear  of  any 
thing  that  migM  deserve  imitation." 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROEDINGNAG.  269 

Imagine  with  thyself,  courteous  reader,  how  often  I 
(hen  wished  for  the  tongue  of  Demosthenes  or  Cicero, 
that  might  have  enabled  me  to  celebrate  the  praise 
of  my  own  dear  native  country,  in  a  style  equal  to  its 
merits  and  felicity. 

I  began  my  discourse  by  informing  his  majesty,  that 
our  dominions  consisted  of  two  islands,  which  com. 
posed  three  mighty  kingdoms  under  one  sovereign, 
besides  our  plantations  in  America.  I  dwelt  long 
upon  the  fertility  of  our  soil,  and  the  temperature  of 
our  climate.  I  then  spoke  at  large  upon  the  constitu. 
tion  of  an  English  parliament ;  partly  made  up  of  an 
illustrious  body,  called  the  House  of  Peers ;  persons 
of  the  noblest  blood,  and  of  the  most  ancient  and  am- 
pie  patrimonies.  I  described  that  extraordinary  care 
always  take*h  of  their  education  in  arts  and  arms,  to 
qualify  them  for  being  counsellors  both  to  the  king  and 
kingdom ;  to  have  a  share  in  the  legislature  ;  to  be 
members  of  the  highest  court  of  judicature,  whence 
there  can  be  no  appeal ;  and  to  be  champions  always 
ready  for  the  defence  of  their  prince  and  country,  by 
their  valour,  conduct,  and  fidelity.  That  these  were 
the  ornament  and  bulwark  of  the  kingdom,  worthy 
followers  of  their  most  renowned  ancestor?,  whose 
honour  had  been  the  reward  of  their  virtue,  from 
which  their  posterity  were  never  once  known  to  de- 
generate. To  these  were  joined  several  holy  persons, 
as  part  of  that  assembly,  under  the  title  of  bishops, 
whose  peculiar  business  it  is  to  take  care  of  religion, 
and  of  those  who  instruct  the  people  therein.  These 
were  searched  and  sought  out  through  the  whole  na. 
23* 


270  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

tion,  by  the  prince  and  nis  wisest  counsellors,  among 
wuch  of  the  priesthood  as  were  most  deservedly  dis- 
tinguished by  the  sanctity  of  their  life,  and  the  depth 
i-f  their  erudition ;  who  were  indeed  the  spiritual 
Bathers  of  the  clergy  and  the  people.1 

1  The  doctrines  of  passive  obedience  and  non-resistance,  so 
strenuously  maintained  by  many  eminent  English  divines,  render- 
t A  the  church  an  object  of  suspicion  to  the  several  whig  cabinets, 
ft/id  ministerial  patronage  was  exerted  to  weaken  the  political  influ- 
ence of  the  church  by  promoting  persons  not  likely  to  maintain 
the  claims  of  ecclesiastical  power.  Not  only  Swift,  but  many 
others  complained  that  the  church  was  betrayed  by  the  state,  and 
that  the  secular  power  was  directly  exerted  to  overthrow  episco- 
pal authority.  Bishop  Warburton,  in  one  of  his  letters,  urges 
this  complaint  with  his  usual  force,  vulgarity,  and  mannerism; 
the  passage  is  also  remarkable  for  a  Brobdingnagian  image  worthy 
of  Swift  himself.  "  You  mention  Noah's  ark.  I  have  really  for- 
got what  I  said  of  it.  But  I  suppose  I  compared  it  to  the  church, 
as  many  a  grave  divine  has  done  before  me.  The  rabbins  make 
the  giant  Gog  or  Magog  cotemporary  with  Noah,  and  convinced 
by  his  preaching;  so  that  he  was  disposed  to  take  the  benefit 
of  the  ark.  But  here  lay  the  distress;  it  by  no  means  suited  his 
dimensions.  Therefore,  as  he  could  not  enter  in,  he  contented 
himself  to  ride  upon  it  astride.  And  though  you  must  suppose, 
that  in  that  stormy  weather  he  was  more  than  half  boots  ove*r, 
he  kept  his  seat,  and  dismounted  safely  when  the  ark  landed  on 
Mount  Ararat.  Image  now  to  yourself  this  illustrious  cnvalier 
mounted  on  his  hackney;  and  see  if  it. does  not  bring  before  you 
the  church  bestrid  by  some  lumpish  minister  of  state,  who  turna 
and  winds  it  at  his  pleasure.  The  only  difference  is,  that  Gog  be- 
lieved the  preacher  of  righteousness  and  religion." 

The  former  comparison  of  the  church  to  the  ark,  which  War- 
burton's  correspondent  appears  to  have  noticed,  is  not  less  char 
acteristic.  "  The  church,  like  the  ark  of  Noah,  is  worth  saving  , 
not  for  the  sake  of  the  unclean  beasts  and  vermin  that  almost  filled 
It,  and  probably  made  most  noise  and  clamour  in  it,  but  for  the 
little  corner  of  rationality,  that  was  as  much  distressed  by  the  stink 
within  as  by  the  tempc?:  without." 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  271 

That  the  other  part  of  the  parliament  consisted  of 
an  assembly,  called  the  House  of  Commons,  who  were 
all  principal  gentlemen,  freely  picked  and  culled  out 
by  the  people  themselves,  for  their  great  abilities  and 
love  of  their  country,  to  represent  the  wisdom  of  the 
whole  nation.  A.nd  that  these  two  bodies  made  up 
the  most  august  assembly  in  Europe,  to  whom,  in  con- 
junction  with  the  prince,  the  whole  legislature  is 
committed. 

I  then  descended  to  the  courts  of  justice  ;  over 
which  the  judges,  those  venerable  sages  and  interpret- 
ers of  the  law,  presided,  for  determining  the  disputed 
rights  and  properties  of  men,  as  well  as  for  the  pun- 
ishment of  vice  and  protection  of  innocence.  I  men- 
tioned the  prudent  management  of  our  treasury  ;  the 
valour  and  achievements  of  our  forces,  by  sea  and 
land.  I  computed  the  number  of  our  people,  by 
reckoning  how  many  millions  there  might  be  of  each 
religious  sect,  or  political  party  among  us.  I  did  not 
ornit  even  our  sports  and  pastimes,  or  any  other  par- 
ticular which  I  thought  might  redound  to  the  honour 
of  my  country.  And  I  "finished  all  with  a  brief  his- 
torical account  of  affairs  and  events  in  England  for 
about  a  hundred  years  past. 

This  conversation  was  not  ended  under  five 
audiences,  each  of  several  hours;  and  the  king  heard 
the  whole  with  great  attention,  frequently  taking 
notes  of  what  I  spoke,  as  well  as  memorandums  of 
vchat  questions  he  intended  to  ask  me. 

When  I  had  put  an  end  to  these  long  discourses, 


272  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

his  majesty,  in  a  sixth  audience,  consulting  his  notes, 
proposed  many  doubts,  queries,  and  objections,  upon 
every  article.  He  asked,  "  what  methods  were  used 
to  cultivate  the  minds  and  bodies  of  out  young  nobil- 
ity, and  in  what  kind  of  business  they  commonly 
spent  the  first  and  teachable  part  of  their  lives  ? 
What  course  was  taken  to  supply  that  assembly,  when 
any  noble  family  became  extinct  ?  What  qualifica- 
tions were  necessary  in  those  who  are  to  be  created 
new  lords:  whether  the  humour  of  the  prince,  a  sum 
of  money  to  a  court  lady,  or  a  design  of  strengthening 
a  party  opposite  to  the  public  interest,  ever  happened 
to  be  the  motives  in  those  advancements  ?'  What 
share  of  knowledge  these  lords  had  in  the  laws  of 
their  country,  and  how  they  came  by  it,  so  as  to 
enable  them  to  decide  the  properties  of  their  fellow, 
subjects  in  the  last  resort?  Whether  they  were 
always  so  free  from  avarice,  partialities,  or  want, 
that  a  bribe,  or  some  other  sinister  view,  could  have 
no  place  among  them  ?  Whether  those  holy  lords  I 
spoke  of  were  always  promoted  to  that  rank  upon  ac- 
count  of  their  knowledge  in  religious  matters,  and  the 
sanctity  of  their  lives  ;  had  never  been  compilers  with 
the  times,  while  they  were  common  priests ;  or  slav- 
ish prostitute  chaplains  to  some  nobleman,  whoso 

1  A  bill  for  the  Limitation  of  the  Peerage  was  passed  by  the 
House  of  Lords  in  1719;  but  after  a  long  debate,  was  rejected  by 
an  overwhelming  majority  of  the  Commons.  On  this  occasion, 
the  lories  joined  with  that  section  of  the  whigs  vhich  recognized 
Walpole  as  a  leader.  Swift  unconsciously  has  adopted  a  portion 
of  the  reasoning  of  his  great  enet  ay. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  273 

opinions  they  continued  servilely  to  follow,  after  they 
were  admitted  into  that  assembly?'" 

He  then  desired  to  know,  "what  arts  were  prac- 

I  Swift  very  frequently  assailed  the  Irish  bench  of  bishops,  as- 
serting that  they  were  ignorant  of  the  creed  of  their  own  church) 
In  one  of  these  attacks  on  the  episcopal  body,  he  says, — 

Of  whom  there  are  not  four  at  most 
Who  know  there  is  an  Holy  Ghost ; 
And  when  they  boast  they  have  conferr'dit, 
Like  Paul's  Ephesians,  never  heard  it ; 
And  when  they  gave  it,  't  is  well  known, 
They  gave  what  never  was  their  own. 

II  mother  political  squib,  we  find  the  following  bitter  lines, — 

Let  prelates  by  their  good  behaviour, 
Convince  us  they  believe  a  Saviour; 
Nor  sell,  what  they  so  dearly  bought, 
This  country  nor  their  own,  for  nought. 

The  Bishop  of  Kilkenny  was  particularly  obnoxious  to  the  Dean, 
and  bears  the  brunt  of  Swift's  fierce  attack  on  the  Irish  bench,  for 
proposing  to  divide  the  church  livings. 

Old  Latimer,  preaching,  did  fairly  describe 
A  bishop,  who  ruled  all  the  rest  of  his  tribe : 
And  who  is  this  bishop  ?   and  where  did  he  dwell? 
Why,  truly,  'tis  Satan,  Archbishop  of  Hell : 
And  he  was  a  primate,  and  he  wore  a  mitre, 
Surrounded  with  jewels  of  sulphur  and  nitre. 
How  nearly  this  bishop  our  bishops  resembles ! 
But  he  has  the  odds  whobeiievesand  who  trembles. 
Could  you  see  his  Grim  Grace  for  a  pound  to  a  penny 
You'd  swear  it  must  be  the  baboon  of  Kilkenny : 
Poor  Satan  will  think  the  comparison  odious  ; 
I  wish  I  could  find  him  out  one  more  commodious. 
But  this  I  am  sure,  the  most  reverend  old  dragon 
Had  got  on  the  bench  many  bishops  suffragan  ; 
And  all  men  believe  he  resides  there  incog, 
To  give  them  by  turns  an  invisible  jog. 


2  /4  GULLIVERS  TRAVELS. 

tised  in  electing  those  whom  I  called  commoners  j 
whether  a  stranger  with  a  strong  purse,  might  not  in. 
fluence  the  vulgar  voters  to  choose  him  before  their 
own  landlord,  or  the  most  considerable  gentleman  in 
the  neighbourhood  ?  How  it  came  to  pass,  that  people 
were  so  violently  bent  upon  getting  into  this  assembly, 
which  I  allowed  to  be  a  great  trouble  and  expense, 
often  to  the  ruin  of  their  families,  without  any  salary 
or  pension  ;  because  this  appeared  such  an  exalted 
strain  of  virtue  and  public  spirit,  that  his  majesty 
seemed  to  doubt  it  might  possibly  not  be  always  sin- 
cere?"1 And  he  desired  to  know,  "whether  such 

1  Considerable  excitement  was  produced  by  Sir  John  Cope  hav- 
ing charged  Sir  Francis  Page,  one  of  the  barons  of  the  Exchequer, 
with  endeavouring  to  corrupt  the  borough  of  Banbury,  in  order  to 
secure  the  return  of  Sir  William  C'odrington,  at  the  next  election. 
The  charge  was  heard  at  the  bar  of  the  House  of  Commons,  and 
though  the  ministers  of  the  day  exerted  all  their  influence  to  shield 
the  judge,  he  was  acquitted  by  a  majority  of  four  only,  the  num- 
bers being  128  to  124.  A  bill  for  securing  the  Freedom  of  Elec- 
tions was  about  the  same  time  rejected  by  the  House  of  Lords, 
through  the  influence  of  the  ministers,  who  had  failed  to  strangle 
it  in  the  Commons.  This  afforded  the  lories  an  opportunity  of 
representing  themselves  as  the  friends  and  the  whigs  as  the  ene- 
mies of  constitutional  liberty,  which  they  were  too  wise  to  neg- 
lect. During  the  debate  in  the  Commons,  Mr.  Hutcheson,  mem- 
ber for  Hastings,  used  the  following  language,  which  seems  to 
have  suggested  the  king  of  Brobdingnag's  queries  to  Swift 
"  But  what  in  God's  name  can  all  this  tend  to  1  What  other  con- 
struction can  any  man  in  common  sense  put  upon  all  these  things, 
but  that  there  seems  to  have  been  a  grand  design  of  violence  and 
oppression,  first  to  humble  you,  and  make  your  necks  pliable  to 
the  yoke,  and  then  to  finish  the  work  by  tempting  the  poverty 
and  necessities  of  the  people  to  sell  themselves  into  the  most  ab- 
ject and  detestable  slavery,  for  that  very  money  which  had  been 
either  unnecessarily  raised,  or  mercilessly  and  unjustly  plundered 


A    VOYAGE  TO    BROBDINGNAG.  275 

zealous  gentlemen  could  have  any  views  of  refunding 
themselves  for  the  charges  and  trouble  they  were  at, 
by  sacrificing  the  public  good  to  the  designs  of  a  weak 
and  vicious  prince,  in  conjunction  with  a  corrupted 
ministry  ?"  He  multiplied  his  questions,  and  sifted 
me  thoroughly  upon  every  part  of  this  head,  pro- 
posing numberless  inquiries  and  objections,  which  ] 
think  it  not  prudent  or  convenient  to  repeat. 

Upon  what  I  said  in  relation  to  our  courts  of  justice 
his  majesty  desired  to  be  satisfied  in  several  points : 
and  this  I  was  the  better  able  to  do,  having  been  for- 
merly almost  ruined  by  a  long  suit  in  chancery, 
which  was  decreed  for  me  with  costs.  He  asked, 
"  what  time  was  usually  spent  in  determining  be- 
tween right  and  wrong,  and  what  degree  of  expense  ? 
Whether  advocates  and  orators  had  liberty  to  plead  in 

and  torn  from  their  very  bowels  ?  And  thus  you  may  be  in  a  fair 
way  of  being  beaten  by  your  own  weapons.  Nor  can  1  imagine 
what  inducement  men  have  who  run  from  borough  to  borough,  and 
purchase  their  elections  at  such  extravagant  rates,  unless  it  be 
from  a  strong  expectation  of  being  well  paid  for  their  votes,  and 
of  receiving  ample  recompense  and  reward  for  the  secret  service 
they  have  covenanted  to  perform  here  ....  It  were  very  much 
to  be  wished,  that  gentlemen  of  eatates  and  families  in  the  coun- 
try would  heartily  unite  in  this  particular,  of  keeping  the  elections 
in  the  severa.'  counties  among  themselves;  that  they  would  re- 
solve inviolably  to  support  each  other's  interests  against  the  en- 
croachments and  corrupt  applications  of  strangers,  let  them  como 
from  what  quarter  they  will.  If  this  were  done,  it  would  in  a 
great  measure  put  an  end  to  those  dangerous  and  infamous  prac- 
tices that  are  now  on  foot,  and  we  might  hope  once  more  to  sea 
this  House  filled  with  gentlemen  of  free  and  independent  fortunes 
euch  as  would  be  above  making  their  court  any  where  at  the  ex 
pense  of  their  country,  and  would  despise  all  manner  of  slavish 
concessions  to  men  in  power." 


276  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

causes  manifestly  known  to  be  unjust,  vexatious,  01 
oppressive  ?  Whether  party,  in  religion  or  politics, 
were  observed  to  be  of  any  weight  in  the  scale  of 
justice  ?  Whether  those  pleading  orators  were  per- 
sons  educated  in  the  general  knowledge  of  equity,  or 
only  in  provincial,  national,  and  other  local  customs  ? 
Whether  they*t>r  their  judges  had  any  part  in  penning 
those  laws,  which  they  assumed  the  liberty  of  inter- 
preting, and  glossing  upon  at  their  pleasure  ? 
Whether  they  had  ever,  at  different  times,  pleaded 
for  and  against  the  same  cause,  and  cited  precedents 
to  prove  contrary  opinions  1  Whether  they  were  a 
rich  or  a  poor  corporation  ?  Whether  they  received 
any  pecuniary  reward  for  pleading,  or  delivering 
their  opinions  ?  And  particularly,  whether  they  were 
ever  admitted  as  members  in  the  lower  senate  ?'" 

1  In  the  session  of  1720,  Sir  William  Thompson,  solicitor-gen- 
eral, charged  Mr.  Lechtnere,  attorney-general,  with  breach  of  his 
oath,  trust,  and  duty,  as  a  privy  councillor,  saying  that  he  acted 
as  counsel,  and  received  sums  of  money  for  his  advice  in  matters 
to  him  referred  by  the  privy  council  as  attorney-general.  The 
charge  was  investigated  by  a  committee  of  the  whole  House  ;  if 
appeared  that  Mr.  Lechmere  had  taken  nothing  but  his  usual  fee* 
as  chamber  counsellor,  and  the  accusation  was  declared  by  the 
House  to  be  false,  scandalous,  and  -nalicious.  The  lawyers  ot 
Swift's  day  were  for  the  most  part  whigs,  and  strongly  attached 
to  the  Protestant  succession ;  they  were  on  this  account  particu- 
larly odious  to  the  Jacobites,  and  when  individual  satire  failed, 
bitter  attacks  were  made  on  the  entire  legal  profession.  It  must, 
however,  be  added,  that  the  whig  lawyers  were  too  read)  to  ex- 
tend the  dangerous  principle  of  constructive  treason,  and  far  too 
ardent  in  their  prosecutions  for  libel.  Swift  was  particularly  hos- 
tile to  lawyers  on  account  of  the  vexatious  prosecutions  underta- 
ken against  the  printers  and  publishers  of  the  Drapier's  Letters, 
and  he  never  omits  an  opportunity  of  venting  his  indignation. 


A  VOY/'JE  TO  BROBDINGNAG.  277 

He  fell  next  upon  the  management  of  our  treasury  ; 
and  said,  "  he  thought  my  memory  had  failed  me, 
because  I  computed  our  taxes  at  about  five  or  six 
millions  a-year,  and  when  I  came  to  mention  the 
issues,  he  found  they  sometimes  amounted  to  more 
than  double ;  for  the  notes  he  had  taken  were  very 
particular  in  this  point,  because  he  hoped,  as  he  told 
me,  that  the  knowledge  of  our  conduct  might  be  use- 
ful to  him,  and  he  could  not  be  deceived  in  his  calcu- 
lations.1 But,  if  what  I  told  him  were  true,  he  was 
still  at  a  loss  how  a  kingdom  could  run  out  of  its 
estate,  like  a  private  person."  He  asked  me  "  who 
were  our  creditors  ;  and  where  we  found  money  to 
pay  them  ?"  He  wondered  to  hear  me  talk  of  such 
chargeable  and  expensive  wars  ;  "  that  certainly  we 
must  be  a  quarrelsome  people,  or  live  among  very 
bad  neighbours,  and  that  our  generals  must  needs  be 
richer  than  our  kings  !"  He  asked  "  what  business 
we  had  out  of  our  own  islands,  unless  upon  the  score 
of  trade  or  treaty,  or  to  defend  the  coasts  with  our 
fleet  ?"  Above  all,  he  was  amazed  to  hear  me  talk 

1  The  National  Debt  was  first  incurred  by  the  whig  administra- 
tions in  the  reigns  of  William  III.  and  Queen  Anne,  when  the  or- 
dinary revenue  was  found  inadequate  to  the  expenses  of  the  great 
wars  against  France.  It  was  a  favourite  topic  of  declamation 
with  their  tory  opponents,  and  was  not  the  least  efficacious  in  de- 
priving the  whigs  of  their  popularity.  In  1722,  the  lories  pro- 
posed the  following  resolution  in  the  Lords.  "  That  the  lessen- 
ing the  public  debt  annually  by  all  proper  methods  is  necessary  to 
the  restoring  and  securing  the  public  credit."  The  previous 
question  was  carried  ;  upon  which,  a  spirited  protest  was  enter- 
ed on  the  Journals,  and  copies  of  it  industriously  circulated 
through  the  country. 

24 


278  GULLIVEK'S  TRAVELS. 

of  a  mercenary  standing  army,  in  the  midst  of  peace 
and  among  a  free  people.  He  said,  "if  we  were 
governed  by  our  own  consent,  in  the  persons  of  our 
representatives,  he  could  riot  imagine  of  whom  we 
were  afraid,  or  against  whom  we  were  to  fight ;  and 
would  hear  my  opinion,  whether  a  private  man's 
house  might  not  better  be  defended  by  himself,  his 
children,  and  family,  than  by  half-a-dozen  rascals, 
picked  up  at  a  venture  in  the  streets  for  small  wages, 
who  might  get  a  hundred  times  more  by  cutting  their 
throats  ?"> 

He  laughed  at  my  "odd  kind  of  arithmetic,"  as  he 
was  pleased  to  call  it,  "  in  reckoning  the  numbers  of 
our  people  by  a  computation  drawn  from  the  several 
sects  among  us  in  religion  and  politics."  He  said 
"  he  knew  no  reason  why  those,  who  entertain 
opinions  prejudicial  to  the  public,  should  be  obliged 

1  One  of  the  most  memorable  debates  in  the  reign  of  George  I. 
was  on  the  grant  for  maintaining  a  standing  army  of  sixteen 
thousand  men.  Mr.  Shippen  and  Mr.  Jeffries  resisted  the  propo- 
sal with  great  energy,  and  the  former  used  such  severity  of  lan- 
guage that  he  was  committed  to  the  Tower.  The  lories,  both  on 
this  question  and  on  the  Debt,  had  a  decided  advantage  in  argu- 
ment over  their  adversaries,  especially  as  they  could  appeal  to  a 
parliamentary  resolution  in  the  reign  of  Charles  II.,  which  de- 
clared, "  That  the  continuance  of  standing  forces  in  this  nation, 
other  than  the  militia,  is  illegal,  and  a  great  grievance  and  vexa- 
tion to  the  people."  Mr.  Shippen,  in  his  speech,  perplexed  the 
whigs  by  referring  to  their  own  recorded  principles.  "  It  is," 
said  he,  "  every  year  declared  in  the  Act  ol  Mutiny  and  Desertion, 
that  the  keeping  up  a  standing  army  in  time  of  peace,  is  against 
law ;  and  as  the  freeing  us  from  it  was  one  of  the  ends  of  the  Rev- 
olution, so,  no  doubt,  the  preserving  us  for  ever  from  an  attempt  of 
the  like  nature,  was  one  of  those  innumerable  glorious  advantage! 
proposed  by  the  Aci  of  Succession. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  279 

to  change,  or  should  not  be  obliged  to  conceal  them. 
And  as  it  was  tyranny  in  any  government  to  require 
the  first,  so  it  was  weakness  not  to  enforce  the  second  : 
for  a  man  may  be  allowed  to  keep  poisons  in  his 
closet,  but  not  to  vend  them  about  for  cordials."1 

He  observed,  "  that  among  the  diversions  of  our 
nobility  and  gentry,  I  had  mentioned  gaming ;  he 
desired  to  know  at  what  age  this  entertainment  was 
usually  taken  up,  and  when  it  was  laid  down  ;  how 
much  of  their  time  it  employed  :  whether  it  ever 
went  so  high  as  to  affect  their  fortunes ;  whether 
mean,  vicious  people,  by  their  dexterity  in  that  art, 
might  not  arrive  at  great  riches,  and  sometimes  keep 
our  very  nobles  in  dependence,  as  well  as  habituate 
them  to  vile  companions  ;  wholly  take  from  them  the 
improvement  of  their  minds,  and  force  them,  by  the 
losses  they  received,8  to  learn  and  practise  that  in- 
famous dexterity  upon  others  ?" 

He  was  perfectly  astonished  with  the  historical  ac- 
count I  gave  him  of  our  affairs  during  the  last  cen- 
tury ;  protesting  it  was  only  a  heap  of  conspiracies, 
rebellions,  murders,  massacres,  revolutions,  banish- 
ments, the  very  worst  effects  that  avarice,  faction, 

1  It  is  not  easy  to  reconcile  these  intolerant  sentiments  with  the 
opinions  on  toleration  already  noticed  in  the  Voyage  to  Lilliput. 
There  was  at  this  time  reason  to  fear  that  the  Presbyterians  would 
obtain  the  ascendency  in  the  Irish  parliament,  and  abolish  epis- 
copacy ;  hence  probably  arises  Swift's  bitterness  against  sectaries, 
which  is  very  strongly  manifested  here,  and  in  his  celebrated  Let- 
ter on  the  Sacramental  Test. 

8  Receiving  a  loss,  is  certainly  not  a  good  expression ;  it  enould 
be,  "  th«  losses  they  have  sustained."— Sheridan. 


280  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

hypocrisy,  perfidiousness,  cruelty,  rage,  madi.ei*?, 
hatred,  envy,  lust,  malice,  and  ambition  could  produce. 
His  majesty,  in  another  audience,  was  at  the  pains 
to  recapitulate  the  sum  of  all  I  had  spoken  ;  com- 
pared  the  questions  he  made  with  the  answers  I  had 
given  ;  then  taking  me  into  his  hands,  and  stroking 
me  gently,  delivered  himself  in  these  words,  which  I 
shall  never  forget,  nor  the  mannef"he  spoke  them  in  : 
"  My  little  friend  Grildrig,  you  have  made  a  most 
admirable  panegyric  upon  your  country  ;  you  have 
clearly  proved  that  ignorance,  idleness,  and  vice,  are 
the  proper  ingredients  for  qualifying  a  legislator  ; 
that  laws  are  best  explained,  interpreted,  and  applied, 
by  those  whose  interest  and  abilities  lie  in  perverting, 
confounding,  and  eluding  them.  I  observe  among 
you  some  lines  of  an  institution,  which  in  its  original 
might  have  been  tolerable,  but  these  half  erased,  and 
the  rest  wholly  blurred  and  blotted  by  corruptions. 
Jt  does  not  appear,  from  all  you  have  said,  how  any 
one  perfection  is  required  toward  the  procurement  ol 
any  one  station  among  you ;  much  less  that  men  are 
ennobled  on  account  of  their  virtue ;  that  priests  are 
advanced  for  their  piety  or  learning  ;  soldiers,  for 
their  conduct  or  valour ;  judges,  for  their  integrity  ; 
senators,  for  the  love  of  their  country;  or  counsellors 
for  their  wisdom.  As  for  yourself,"  continued  the 
king,  "  who  have  spent  the  greatest  part  of  your  life 
in  travelling,  I  am  well  disposed  to  hope  you  may 
hitherto  have  escaped  many  vices  of  your  country. 
But  by  what  I  have  gathered  from  your  own  relation, 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  281 

and  the  answers  I  have  with  much  pains  wringed  * 
and  extorted  from  you,  I  cannot  but  conclude  the 
bulk  of  your  natives  to  be  the  most  pernicious  race 
of  little  odious  vermin  that  nature  ever  suffered  to 
crawl  upon  the  surface  of  the  earth." 

•  Instead  of  "  wringed."  it  should  have  been  "  wrung." — Shtrt- 
dan. 


CHAPTER  Vll. 

The  avJhor's  love  of  his  country— He  makes  a  proposal  of  much  advantage  te 
the  king1,  which  is  rejected— The  king's  great  ignorance  in  politics — The  learn- 
ing of  that  country  very  imperfect  and  confined— The  laws  and  military  af. 
fairs,  and  parties  in  the  state. 

LOVE  of  truth  could  alone  have  hindered  me  from 
concealing  this  part  of  my  story.  It  was  in  vain  to 
discover  my  resentments,  which  were  always  turned 
into  ridicule  ;  and  I  was  forced  to  rest  with  patience, 
while  my  noble  and  beloved  country  was  so  injurious- 
ly treated.  I  am  as  heartily  sorry  as  any  of  my  read- 
ers can  possibly  be,  that  such  an  occasion  was  given  ; 
but  this  prJnce  happened  to  be  so  curious  and  inquisi- 
tive upon  every  particular,  that  it  could  not  consist 
either  with  gratitude  or  good  manners,  to  refuse  giving 
him  what  satisfaction  I  was  able.  Yet  thus  much  I 
may  be  allowed  to  say  in  my  own  vindication,  that  I 
artfully  eluded  many  of  his  questions,  and  gave  to 
every  point  a  more  favourable  turn,  by  many  degrees, 
than  the  strictness  of  truth  would  allow.  For  I  have 
always  borne  that  laudable  partiality  to  my  own  coun- 
try, which  Dionysius  Halicarnassensis,  with  so  much 
justice,  recommends  to  an  historian  ;  I  would  hido 
the  frailties  and  deformities  of  my  political  mother, 
and  place  her  virtues  and  beauties  in  the  most  advan- 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  283 

tageous  light.  This  was  my  sincere  endeavour  in 
those  many  discourses  I  had  with  that  monarch,  al- 
though it  unfortunately  failed  of  success. 

But  great  allowances  should  be  given  to  a  king,  who 
lives  wholly  secluded  from  the  rest  of  the  world,  and 
must  therefore  be  altogether  unacquainted  with  the 
manners  and  customs  that  most  prevail  in  other  nations ; 
the  want  of  which  knowledge  will  ever  produce  many 
prejudices,  and  a  certain  narrowness  of  thinking,  from 
which  we,  and  the  politer  countries  of  Europe,  are 
wholly  exempted.  And  it  would  be  hard  indeed,  if  so 
remote  a  prince's  notions  of  virtue  and  vice  were  to 
be  offered  as  a  standard  for  all  mankind. 

To  confirm  what  I  have  now  said,  and  farther  to 
show  the  miserable  effects  of  a  confined  education,  I 
shall  here  insert  a  passage,  which  will  hardly  obtain 
belief.  In  hopes  to  ingratiate  myself  farther  into  his 
majesty's  favour,  I  told  him  of  "  an  invention,  discov- 
ered between  three  and  four  hundred  years  ago,  to 
make  a  certain  powder,  into  a  heap  of  which,  the 
smallest  spark  of  fire  falling,  would  kindle  the  whole 
in  a  moment,  although  it  were  as  big  as  a  mountain, 
and  make  it  all  fly  up  into  the  air  together,  with  a 
noise  and  agitation  greater  than  thunder.  That  a 
proper  quantity  of  this  po'.vder  rammed  into  a  hollow 
tube  of  brass  or  iron,  according  to  its  bigness,  would 
drive  a  ball  of  iron  or  lead,  with  such  violence  and 
speed,  as  nothing  was  able  to  sustain  its  force.  That 
the  largest  balls  thus  discharged,  would  not  only  de- 
stroy whole  ranks  of  an  army  at  once,  but  batter  the 
strongest  walls  to  the  ground  ;  sink  down  ships,  with 


284  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

a  thousand  men  in  each,  to  the  bottom  of  the  sea ; 
and  when  linked  together  by  a  chain  would  cut 
through  masts  and  rigging,  divide  hundreds  of  bodies 
in  the  middle,  and  lay  all  waste  before  them.  That 
we  often  put  this  powder  into  large  hollow  balls  of 
iron,  and  discharged  them  by  an  engine  into  some  city 
we  were  besieging,  which  would  rip  up  the  pavements, 
tear  the  houses  to  pieces,  burst  and  throw  splinters 
on  every  side,  dashing  out  the  brains  of  all  who  came 
near.  That  I  knew  the  ingredients  very  well,  which 
were  cheap  and  common  ;  I  understood  the  manner 
of  compounding  them,  and  could  direct  his  workmen 
how  to  make  those  tubes,  of  a  size  proportionable  to 
all  other  things  in  his  majesty's  kingdom,  and  the 
largest  need  not  be  above  a  hundred  feet  long  ;  twenty 
or  thirty  of  which  tubes,  charged  with  the  proper 
quantity  of  powder  and  balls,  would  batter  down  the 
walls  of  the  strongest  town  in  his  dominions  in  a  few 
hours,  or  destroy  the  whole  metropolis,  if  ever  it 
should  pretend  to  dispute  his  absolute  commands. 
This  I  humbly  offered  to  his  majesty,  as  a  small  tribute 
of  acknowledgment,  in  return  of  so  many  marks  that 
I  had  received  of  his  royal  favour  and  protection." 

The  king  was  struck  with  horror  at  the  description 
I  had  given  of  these  terrible  engines,  and  the  proposal 
I  had  made.  "  He  was  amazed,  how  so  impotent  and 
grovelling  an  insect  as  1  "  (these  were  his  expressions) 
"  could  entertain  such  inh  iman  ideas,  and  in  so  fa- 
miliar a  manner,  as  to  appear  wholly  unmoved  at  all 
the  scenes  of  blood  and  desolation  which  I  bad  painted, 
as  the  common  effects  of  those  destructive  machines ; 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAff.  285 

whereof"  he  said  "  some  evil  genius,  enemy  to  man- 
kind,  must  have  been  the  first  contriver.  As  for  him- 
self,  he  protested,  that 'although  few  things  delighted 
him  so  much  as  new  discoveries  in  art  or  in  nature, 
yet  he  would  rather  lose  half  his  kingdom  than  be 
privy  to  such  a  secret;  which  he  commanded  me, 
as  I  valued  my  life,  never  to  mention  any  more."1 

A  strange  effect  of  narrow  principles  and  views ! 
that  a  prince  possessed  of  every  quality  which  pro- 
cures  veneration,  love,  and  esteem ;  of  strong  parts, 
great  wisdom,  and  profound  learning ;  endowed  with 
admirable  talents,  and  almost  adored  by  his  subjects, 
should  from  a  nice  unnecessary  scruple,  whereof  in 
Europe  we  can  have  no  conception,  let  slip  an  oppor- 
tunity put  into  his  hands  that  would  have  made  him 
absolute  master  of  the  lives,  the  liberties,  and  the 
fortunes  of  his  people.2  Neither  do  I  say  this,  with 

1  It  is  scarcely  necessary  to  expose  the  fallacious  reasoning  of 
this  passage  ;  every  body  knows  that  wars  have  been  far  less  san- 
guinary since  the  invention  of  gunpowder  than  they  were  before, 
and  that  every  improvement  in  the  arts  of  destruction  has  been 
followed  by  a  saving  of  human  life.     Swift,  however,  knew  that 
the  glories  of  Marlborough's  campaigns  were  the  chief  source  of 
the  popularity  of  the  whigs,  and  as  he  could  not  deny  the  military 
merits  of  these  victories,  he  hoped  to  weaken  their  influence  by 
declaiming  against  wars  in  general. 

2  It  was  more  than  hinted  by  the  tories,  that  the  House  of 
Brunswick  intended  to  make  use  of  the  standing  army  to  subvert 
British  liberty.    Mr.  Shippen,  in  the  speech  to  which  allusion 
has  been  already  made,  said,  "that  the  second  paragraph  of  the 
king's  speech  seemed  rather  to  be  calculated  for  the  meridian  of 
Gremany  than  Great  Britain ;  and  that  the  king  was  a  stranger  to 
our  language  and  constitution."    It  was  for  these  expressions 
that  he  was  committed  to  the  Tower. 


286  GULLIVER'S  TKAVEI.S. 

the  least  intention  to  detract  from  the  many  virtues  of 
that  excellent  king,  whose  character,  I  am  sensible, 
will,  on  this  account,  be  very  much  lessened  in  the 
opinion  of  the  English  reader ;  but  I  take  this  defect 
among  them  to  have  risen  from  their  ignorance,  by 
not  having  hitherto  reduced  politics  into  a  science,  as 
the  more  acute  wits  of  Europe  have  done.  For,  I 
remember  very  well,  in  a  discourse  one  day  with  the 
king,  when  I  happened  to  say,  "  there  were  several 
thousand  books  among  us  written  upon  the  art  of  gov- 
ernment," it  gave  him  (directly  contrary  to  my  in- 
tention) a  very  mean  opinion  of  our  understandings. 
He  professed  both  to  abominate  and  despise  all  mys- 
tery, refinement,  and  intrigue,  either  in  a  prince  or  a 
minister.  He  could  not  tell  what  I  meant  by  secrets 
of  state,  where  an  enemy,  or  some  rival  nation,  were 
not  in  the  case.  He  confined  the  knowledge  of  gov- 
erning within  very  narrow  bounds,  to  common  sense 
and  reason,  to  justice  and  lenity,  to  the  speedy  deter- 
mination of  civil  and  criminal  causes  ;  with  some 
other  obvious  topics,  which  are  not  worth  considering. 
And  he  gave  it  for  his  opinion,  "  that  whoever  could 
make  two  ears  of  corn,  or  two  blades  of  grass,  to  grow 
upon  a  spot  of  ground,  where  only  one  grew  before, 
would  deserve  better  of  mankind,  and  do  more  essen 
tial  service  to  his  country,  than  the  whole  race  of 
politicians  put  together."1 

The  learning  of  this  people  is  very  defective  j  con- 

1  The  lories  were  always  anxious  to  identify  themselves  with 
the  agricultural  interest,  to  which  Swift  consequently  loses  no 
opportunity  of  paying  a  compliment. 


A    VOOGE    10    BROBDINGNAG.  287 

listing  only  in  morality,  history,  poetry,  and  mathe- 
matics, wherein  they  must  be  allowed  to  excel.  But 
the  last  of  these  is  wholly  applied  to  what  may  be 
useful  in  life,  to  the  improvement  of  agriculture  and 
all  mechanical  arts ;  so  that  among  us,  ;t  would  be 
.ittle  esteemed.  And  as  to  ideas,  entities,  abstrac- 
tions, and  transcendentals,  I  could  never  drive  the 
least  conception  into  their  heads. 

No  law  of  that  country  must  exceed  in  words  the 
number  of  letters  in  their  alphabet,  which  consists  only 
of  two-and-twenty.  But  indeed  few  of  them  extend 
even  to  that  length.  They  are  expressed  in  the  most 
plain  and  simple  terms,  wherein  those  people  are  not 
mercurial  enough  to  discover  above  one  interpreta- 
tion :  and  to  write  a  comment  upon  any  law,  is  a 
capital  crime.  As  to  the  decision  of  civil  causes,  or 
proceedings  against  criminals,  their  precedents  are  so 
few,  that  they  have  little  reason  to  boast  of  any  ex- 
traordinary  skill  in  either. 

They  have  had  the  art  of  printing,  as  well  as  the 
Chinese,  time  out  of  mind  :  but  their  libraries  are  not 
very  large ;  for  that  of  the  king,  which  is  reckoned 
the  largest,  does  not  amount  to  above  a  thousand  vol- 
umes, placed  in  a  gallery  of  twelve  hundred  feet  long, 
whence  I  had  liberty  to  borrow  what  books  I  pleased 
The  queen's  joiner  had  contrived  in  one  of  Glumdal- 
clitch's  rooms,  a  kind  of  wooden  machine  five-and- 
twenty  feet  high,  formed  like  a  standing  ladder ;  the 
steps  were  each  fifty  feet  long  ;  it  was  indeed  a  move- 
able  pair  of  stairs,  the  lowest  end  placed  at  ten  feet 
distance  from  the  wall  of  the  chamber.  The  book  I 


288  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

had  a  mind  to  read,  was  put  up  leaning  against  the 
wall  :  I  first  mounted  to  the  upper  step  of  the  ladder, 
and  turning  my  face  towards  the  book,  began  at  the 
top  of  the  page,  and  so  walking  to  the  right  and  left 
about  eight  or  ten  paces,  according  to  the  length  of 
the  lines,  till  I  had  gotten  a  little  below  the  level  of 
mine  eyes,  and  then  descending  gradually  till  I  came 
to  the  bottom :  after  which  I  mounted  again,  and 
began  the  other  page  in  the  same  manner,  and  so 
turned  over  the  leaf,  which  I  could  easily  do  with 
both  my  hands,  for  it  was  as  thick  and  stiff  as  a  paste- 
board, and  in  the  largest  folios  not  above  eighteen  or 
twenty  feet  long. 

Their  style  is  clear,  masculine,  and  smooth,  but 
not  florid  ;  for  they  avoid  nothing  more  than  multiply- 
ing unnecessary  words,  or  using  various  expressions. 
I  have  perused  many  of  their  books,  especially  those 
in  history  and  morality.  Among  the  rest,  I  was  much 
diverted  with  a  little  old  treatise,  which  always  lay  in 
Glumdalclitch's  bedchamber,  and  belonged  to  her 
governess,  a  grave  elderly  gentlewoman,  who  dealt 
in  writings  of  morality  and  devotion.  The  book  treats 
of  the  weakness  of  human  kind,  and  is  in  little  esteem 
except  among  the  women  and  the  vulgar.  However, 
I  was  curhus  to  see  what  an  author  of  that  country 
could  say  upon  such  a  subject.  This  writer  went 
through  all  the  usual  topics  of  European  moralists, 
showing  "  how  diminutive,  contemptible,  and  helpless 
an  animal  was  man  in  his  own  nature :  how  unable 
to  defend  himself  from  inclemencies  of  the  air,  or  the 
fury  of  wild  beasts  :  how  much  he  was  excelled  by 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDING  .\AG.  289 

one  creature  in  strength,  by  another  in  speed,  by  a 
third  in  foresight,  by  a  fourth  in  industry."  He 
added,  "  that  nature  was  degenerated  in  these  latter 
declining  ages  of  the  world,  and  could  now  produce 
only  small  abortive  births,  in  comparison  of  those  in 
ancient  times."  He  said,  "  it  was  very  reasonable 
to  think,  not  only  that  the  species  of  men  were 
originally  much  larger,  but  also  that  there  must  have 
been  giants  in  former  ages  :  which,  as  it  is  asserted 
by  history  and  tradition,  so  it  has  been  confirmed  by 
huge  bones  and  skulls,  casually  dug  up  in  several 
parts  of  the  kingdom,  far  exceeding  the  common 
dwindled  race  of  men  in  our  days."  He  argued,  that 
the  very  laws  of  nature  absolutely  required  we  should 
have  been  made,  in  the  beginning,  of  a  size  more 
large  and  robust ;  not  so  liable  to  destruction  from 
every  little  accident,  of  a  tile  falling  from  a  house,  or 
a  stone  cast  from  the  hand  of  a  boy,  or  being  drowned 
in  a  little  brook."  From  this  way  of  reasoning,  the 
author  drew  several  moral  applications,  useful  in  the 
conduct  of  life,  but  needless  here  to  repeat.  For  my 
own  pe.rt,  I  could  not  avoid  reflecting  how  universally 
this  talent  was  spread,  of  drawing  lectures  in  moral- 
ity, or  indeed  rather  matter  of  discontent  and  repining, 
from  the  quarrels  we  raise  with  nature.  And  I 
believe,  upon  a  strict  inquiry,  those  quarrels  might 
be  shown  as  ill-grounded  among  us  as  they  are 
among  that  people. 

As  to  their    military  affairs,  they  boast   that   the 
king's  army  consists  of  a  hundred   and  sevent3'-six 
thousand  foot,  and  thirty-two  thousand  horse :  if  that 
25 


290  GULLIVER'S  TKAVBLS. 

may  be  called  an  army,  which  is  made  up  of  trades, 
men  in  the  several  cities,  and  farmers  in  the  country, 
whose  commanders  are  only  the  nobility  and  gentry, 
without  pay  or  reward.  They  are  indeed  perfect 
enough  in  their  exercises,  and  under  very  good  disci- 
pline, wherein  I  saw  no  great  merit ;  for  how  should 
it  be  otherwise,  where  every  farmer  is  under  the  com- 
rnancl  of  his  own  landlord,  and  every  citizen  undef 
that  of  the  principal  men  in  his  own  city,  chosen, 
after  the  manner  of  Venice,  by  ballot  ?  I  have  often 
seen  the  militia  of  Lorbrulgrud  drawn  out  to  exercise, 
in  a  great  field,  near  the  city,  of  twenty  miles  square. 
They  were  in  all  not  above  tw"enty-five  thousand 
foot,  and  six  thousand  horse ;  but  it  was  impossible 
for  me  to  compute  their  number,  considering  the  space 
of  ground  they  took  up.  A  cavalier  mounted  on  a 
large  steed  might  be  about  ninety  feet  high.  I  have 
seen  this  whole  body  of  horse,  upon  a  word  of  com- 
mand,  draw  their  swords  at  once,  and  brandish  them 
in  the  air.  Imagination  can  figure  nothing  so  grand, 
so  surprising,  and  so  astonishing  !  it  looked  as  if  ten 
thousand  flashes  of  lightning  were  darting  at  the  same 
time  from  every  quarter  of  the  sky. 

I  was  curious  to  know  how  this  prince,  to  whose 
dominions  there  is  no  access  from  any  other  country, 
came  to  think  of  armies,  or  to  teach  his  people  the 
practice  of  military  discipline.  But  I  was  soon  in- 
formed, both  by  conversation  and  reading  their  his- 
tories ;  for,  in  the  course  of  many  ages,  they  have 
been  troubled  with  the  same  disease  to  which  the 
whole  race  of  mankind  is  subject :  the  nobility  often 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  291 

contending  for  power,  the  people  for  liberty,  and  the 
king  for  absolute  dominion.  All  which,  however 
happily  tempered  by  the  laws  of  that  kingdom,  have 
been  sometimes  violated  by  each  of  the  three  parties, 
and  have  more  than  once  occasioned  civil  wars  ;  the 
last  whereof  was  happily  put  an  end  to  by  this 
prince's  grandfather,  in  a  general  composition,  and 
the  militia,  then  settled  with  common  consent,  haa 
been  ever  since  kept  in  the  strictest  duty. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

The  king  and  queen  make  a  progress  to  the  frontiers.  The  author  attend*  l.heia 
— The  manner  in  which  he  leaves  the  country  very  particularly  related  — H« 
returns  to  England. 

JUNCTURES  of  perilous  circumstances,  from  which  I 
had  already  escaped,  inspired  me  with  a  strong  impulse 
that  I  should  some  time  recover  my  liberty,  though  it 
was  impossible  to  conjecture  by  what  means,  or  to 
form  any  project  with  the  least  hope  of  succeeding. 
The  ship  in  which  I  sailed  was  the  first  known  to  be 
driven  withia  sight  of  that  coast,  and  the  king  had 
given  strict  orders,  "  that  if  at  any  time  another  ap- 
peared, it  should  be  taken  ashore,  and  with  all  its  crew 
and  passengers  brought  in  a  tumbril  to  Lorbrulgrud." 
He  was  strongly  bent  to  get  me  a  woman  of  my  own 
size,  by  whom  I  might  propagate  the  breed  ;  but  1 
think  I  should  rather  have  died  than  undergone  the 
disgrace  of  leaving  a  posterity  to  be  kept  in  cages, 
like  tame  canary  birds,  and  perhaps,  in  time,  sold 
about  the  kingdom,  to  persons  of  quality,  for  curiosi- 
ties. I  was  indeed  treated  with  much  kindness  ;  I  was 
the  favourite  of  a  great  king  and  queen,  and  the  de- 
light of  the  whole  court ;  but  it  was  upon  such  a  foot 
as  ill  became  the  dignity  of  human-kind.  I  could 
never  forget  those  domestic  pledges  I  had  left  behind 


A   VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  293 

me.  I  wanted  to  be  among  people,  with  whom  I  could 
converse  upon  even  terms,  and  walk  about  the  streets 
and  fields  without  being  afraid  of  being  trod  to  death 
like  a  frog  or  a  young  puppy.  But  my  deliverance 
came  sooner  than  I  expected,  and  in  a  manner  not 
very  common  ;  the  whole  story  and  circumstances  of 
which  I  shall  faithfully  relate. 

I  had  now  been  two  years  in  the  country  ;  and  about 
the  beginning  of  the  third,  Glumdalclitch  and  I  at- 
tended  the  king  and  queen,  in  a  progress  to  the  south 
coast  of  the  kingdom.  I  was  carried  as  usual,  in  my 
travelling  box,  which,  as  I  have  already  described 
was  a  very  convenient  closet  of  twelve  feet  wide. 
And  I  had  ordered  a  hammock  to  be  fixed,  by  silken 
ropes,  from  the  four  corners  at  the  top,  to  break  the 
jolts  when  a  servant  carried  me  before  him  on  horse- 
back, as  I  sometimes  desired  ;  and  would  often  sleep 
in  my  hammock,  while  we  were  upon  the  road.  On 
the  roof  of  my  closet,  not  directly  over  the  middle  of 
the  hammock,  I  ordered  the  joiner  to  cut  a  hole  of  a 
foot  square,  to  give  me  air  in  hot  weather  as  I  slept ; 
which  hole  I  shut  at  pleasure,  with  a  board  that  drew 
backward  and  forward  through  a  groove. 

When  we  came  to  our  journey's  end,  the  king 
thought  proper  to  pass  a  few  days  at  a  palace  he  has 
near  Flanflasnic,  a  city  within  eighteen  English  miles 
of  the  sea-side.  Glumdalclitch  and  I  were  much  fa- 
tigued ;  I  had  gotten  a  small  cold,  but  the  poor  girl 
was  so  ill  as  to  be  confined  to  her  chamber.  I  longed 
to  see  the  ocean,  which  must  be  the  only  scene  of  my 

ape,  if  ever  it  should  happen.     I  pretended  to  be 
25* 


294  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

worse  than  I  really  was,  and  desired  leave  to  take  the 
fresh  air  of  the  sea,  with  a  page,  whom  I  was  very 
fond  of,  and  who  had  sometimes  been  trusted  with  me, 
I  shall  never  forget  with  what  unwillingness  Glum- 
dalclitch  consented,  nor  the  strict  charge  she  gave  the 
page  to  be  careful  of  me,  bursting  at  the  same  time 
into  a  flood  of  tears,  as  if  she  had  some  foreboding  of 
what  was  to  happen.  The  boy  took  me  out  in  my 
box,  about  half  an  hour's  walk  from  the  palace,  to- 
wards the  rocks  on  the  sea-shore.  I  ordered  him  to 
set  me  down,  and  lifting  up  one  of  my  sashes,  cast  many 
a  wistful  melancholy  look  towards  the  sea.  I  found 
myself  not  very  well,  and  told  the  page  that  I  had  a 
mind  to  take  a  nap  in  my  hammock,  which  I  hoped 
would  do  me  good.  I  got  in,  and  the  boy  shut  the 
window  close  down  to  keep  out  the  cold.  I  soon  fell 
asleep,  and  all  I  can  conjecture  is,  while  I  slept,  the 
page,  thinking  no  danger  could  happen,  went  among 
the  rocks  to  look  for  birds'  eggs,  having  before  ob- 
served him  from  my  window  searching  about,  and 
picking  up  one  or  two  in  the  clefts.  Be  that  as  it  will, 
I  found  myself  suddenly  awakened  with  a  violent  pull 
upon  the  ring,  which  was  fastened  at  the  top  of  my 
box  for  the  convenience  of  carriage.  I  felt  my  box 
raised  very  high  in  the  air,  and  then  borne  forward 
with  prodigious  speed.  The  first  jolt  had  like  to  have 
shaken  me  out  of  my  hammock,  but  afterward  the 
motion  was  easy  enough.  I  called  out  several  times 
as  loud  as  I  could  raise  my  voice,  but  all  lo  no  pur- 
pose. I  looked  towards  my  windows,  and  could  see 
nothing  but  the  clouds  and  sky  I  heard  a  noise  just 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBD1NGNAG. 


295 


over  my  head,  like  the   clapping  of  wings,  and  then 
began  to  perceive  the  woful  condition  I  was  in  j  that 


29U  GCJLLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

some  eagle  had  got  the  cord  of  my  box  in  his  beak, 
with  an  intent  to  let  it  fall  on  a  rock,  like  a  tortoise  in 
a  shell,  and  then  pick  out  my  body,  and  devour  it ; 
for  the  sagacity  and  smell  of  this  bird  enable  hiro  to 
discover  his  quarry  at  a  great  distance,  though  better 
concealed  thai.  1  could  be  within  a  two-inch  hoard. 
In  a  little  lime,  I  observed  the  noise  and  flutter  of 
wings  to  increa-^e  very  fast,  and  my  box  was  tossed 
up  and  down,  like  a  sign  in  a  windy  day.  I  heard 
several  bangs  or  buffets,  as  I  thought,  given  to  the 
eagle  (for  such  I  am  certain  it  must  have  been  that 
held  the  cord  of  my  box  in  his  beak),  and  then,  all  on 
a  sudden,  felt  myself  falling  perpendicularly  down, 
for  above  a  minute,  but  with  such  incredible  swiftness, 
that  I  almost  lost  my  breath.  My  fall  was  stopped  by 
a  terrible  squash,  that  sounded  louder  to  my  ep.rs  than 
the  cataract  of  Niagara;1  after  which,  T  was  quite 
in  the  dark  for  another  minute,  and  then  my  box  began 
to  rise  so  high,  that  I  could  see  light  from  the  tops  of 
the  windows.  I  now  perceived  I  was  fallen  into  the 
sea.  My  box,  by  the  weight  of  my  body,  the  goods 
that  were  in,  and  the  broad  plates  of  iron  fixed  for 
strength  at  the  four  corners  of  the  top  and  bottom, 
floated  about  five  feet  deep  in  water.  I  did  then,  and 
do  now  suppose,  that  the  eagle  which  flew  away  with 
my  box  was  pursued  by  two  or  three  others,  and  forced 

1  This  cataract  is  produced  by  the  fall  of  a  ccnflux  of  water 
(formed  of  the  four  v.ist  lakes  of  Canada)  from  a  rocky  precipice, 
the  perpendicular  height  of  which  is  one  hundred  and  thirty-sev- 
en feet ;  and  it  is  said  to  have  been  heard  fifteen  leagues. — 
worth. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  297 

to  let  me  drop,  while  he  defended  himself  against  the 
rest,  who  hoped  to  share  in  the  prey.  The  plates  of 
iron  fastened  at  the  bottom  of  the  box  (for  those  were 
the  strongest)  preserved  the  balance  while  it  fell,  and 
hindered  it  from  being  broken  on  the  surface  of  the 
water.  Every  joint  of  it  was  well  grooved  ;  and  the 
door  did  not  move  on  hinges,  but  up  and  down  like  a 
sash,  which  kept  my  closet  so  tight  that  very  little 
water  came  in.  I  got  with  much  difficulty  out  of  my 
hammock,  having  first  ventured  to  draw  back  the  slip- 
board  on  the  roof  already  mentioned,  contrived  on 
purpose  to  let  in  air,  for  want  of  which  I  found  my- 
self almost  stifled. 

How  often  did  I  then  wish  myself  with  my  dear 
Glumdalclitch,  from  whom  one  single  hour  had  so  far 
divided  me  !  And  I  may  say  with  truth,  that  in  the 
midst  of  my  own  misfortunes  I  could  not  forbear  la- 
menting my  poor  nurse,  the  grief  she  would  suffer 
for  my  loss,  the  displeasure  of  the  queen,  and  the  ruin 
of  her  fortune.  Perhaps  many  travellers  have  not 
been  under  greater  difficulties  and  distress  than  I  wag 
at  this  juncture,  expecting  every  moment  to  see  my 
box  dashed  to  pieces,  or  at  least  overset  by  the  first 
violent  blast,  or  rising  wave.  A  breach  in  one  single 
pane  of  glass  would  have  been  immediate  death ;  nor 
could  any  thing  have  preserved  the  windows,  but  the 
strong  lattice  wires  placed  on  the  outside,  against  ac- 
cidents in  travelling.  I  saw  the  water  ooze  in  at 
geveral  crannies,  although  the  leaks  were  not  consid- 
erable, and  I  endeavoured  to  stop  them  as  well  as  I 
could.  I  was  not  able  to  lift  up  the  roof  of  my  closet, 


298  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

which  otherwise  I  certainly  should  have  done,  and 
sat  on  the  top  of  it  ;  where  I  might  at  least  preserve 
myself  some  hours  longer,  than  by  being  shut  up  (as 
I  may  call  it)  in  the  hold.  Or  if  I  escaped  these 
dangers  for  a  day  or  two,  what  could  I  expect,  but  a 
miserable  death  of  cold  and  hunger  ?  I  was  for  four 
nours  under  these  circumstances,  expecting,  and  in- 
deed wishing  every  moment  to  be  my  last. 

I  have  already  told  the  reader  that  there  were  two 
strong  staples  fixed  upon  that  side  of  my  box  which 
had  no  window  ;  and  into  which  the  servant  who  used 
to  carry  me  on  horseback,  would  put  a  leathern  belt, 
and  buckle  it  about  his  waist.  Being  in  this  discon- 
solate state,  I  heard,  or  at  least  thought  I  heard,  some 
kind  of  grating  noise  on  that  side  of  my  box  where 
the  staples  were  fixed  ;  and  soon  after  I  began  to 
fancy  that  the  box  was  pulled  or  towed  along  the  sea  : 
for  I  now  and  then  felt  a  sort  of  tugging,  which  made 
the  waves  rise  near  the  tops  of  my  windows,  leaving 
me  almost  in  the  dark.  This  gave  me  some  faint 
hopes  of  relief,  although  I  was  not  able  to  imagine 
how  it  could  be  brought  about.  I  ventured  to  un- 
screw one  of  my  chairs,  which  were  always  fastened 
to  the  floor  ;  and  having  made  a  hard  shift  to  screw 
it  down  again,  directly  under  the  slipping-board  that 
I  had  lately  opened,  I  mounted  on  the  chair,  and 
putting  my  mouth  as  near  as  I  could  to  the  hole,  I 
called  for  help  in  a  loud  voice,  and  in  all  the  lan- 
guages I  understood.  I  then  fastened  my  handker- 
chief  to  a  stick  I  usually  carried,  and,  thrusting  it  up 
the  hole,  waved  it  several  times  in  the  air,  that  if  any 


A  VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  299 

boat  or  ship  were  near,  the  seamen  might  conjecture 
some  unhappy  mortal  to  be  shut  up  in  the  box. 

I  found  no  effect  from  all  I  could  do,  but  plainly 
perceived  my  closet  to  be  moved  along ;  and  in  the 
space  of  an  hour,  or  better,  that  side  of  the  box  where 
the  staples  were,  and  had  no  windows,  struck  against 
something  that  was  hard.  I  apprehended  it  to  be  a 
rock,  and  found  myself  tossed  more  than  ever.  I 
plainly  heard  a  noise  upon  the  cover  of  my  closet, 
like  that  of  a  cable,  and  the  grating  of  it  as  it  passed 
through  the  ring.  I  then  found  myself  hoisted  up, 
by  degrees,  at  least  three  feet  higher  than  I  was 
before.  Whereupon  I  again  thrust  up  my  stick  and 
handkerchief,  calling  for  help  till  I  was  almost  hoarse. 
In  return  to  which,  I  heard  a  great  shout  repeated 
,three  times,  giving  me  such  transports  of  joy,  as  are 
not  to  be  conceived  but  by  those  who  feel  them.  I 
now  heard  a  trampling  over  my  head,  and  somebody 
calling  through  the  hole  with  a  loud  voice,  in  the 
English  tongue,  "  If  there  be  anybody  below,  let 
them  speak."  I  answered,  "I  was  an  Englishman, 
drawn  by  ill  fortune  into  the  greatest  calamity  that 
ever  any  creature  underwent,  and  begged  by  all  that 
was  moving,  to  be  delivered  out  of  the  dungeon  I  was 
in."  The  voice  replied,  "  I  was  safe,  for  my  box 
was  fastened  to  their  ship  ;  and  the  carpenter  should 
immediately  come  and  saw  a  hole  in  the  cover,  large 
enough  to  pull  me  out."  I  answered  "  that  was 
needless,  and  would  take  up  too  much  time  ;  for  there 
was  no  more  to  bo  done,  but  let  one  of  the  crew  put 
his  finger  into  ths  ring,  and  take  the  box  out  of  the 


300  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

sea  into  the  ship,  and  so  into  the  captain's  cabin." 
Some  of  them,  upon  hearing  me  talk  so  wildly, 
thought  -i  was  mad  ;  others  laughed  ;  for  indeed  it 
never  came  into  my  head,  that  I  was  now  got  among 
people  of  my  own  stature  and  strength.  The  carpen- 
ter came,  and  in  a  few  minutes  sawed  a  passage  about 
four  feet  square,  then  let  down  a  small  ladder,  upon 
which  I  mounted,  and  thence  was  taken  into  the  ship 
in  a  very  weak  condition. 

The  sailors  were  all  in  amazement,  and  asked 
me  a  thousand  questions,  which  I  had  no  inclination 
to  answer.  I  was  equally  confounded  at  the  sight  of 
so  many  pigmies,  for  such  I  took  them  to  be,  after 
having  so  long  accustomed  mine  eyes  to  the  monstrous 
objects  I  had  left.  But  the  captain,  Mr.  Thomas 
Wilcocks,  an  honest  worthy  Shropshire  man,  observ- 
ing I  was  ready  to  faint,  took  me  into  his  cabin,  gave 
me  a  cordial  to  comfort  me,  and  made  me  turn  in 
upon  his  own  bed,  advising  me  to  take  a  little  rest,  of 
which  I  had  great  need.  Before  I  went  to  sleep,  I 
gave  him  to  understand  that  I  had  some  valuable  fur- 
niture  in  my  box,  too  good  to  be  lost :  a  fine  ham- 
mock, a  handsome  field-bed,  two  chairs,  a  table,  and 

a  cabinet ;  that  my  closet  was  hung  on  all  sides,  or 

• 

1  There  are  several  little  incidents  which  show  the  author  to 
have  had  a  deep  knowledge  of  human  nature,  and  I  think  this  is 
one.  Although  the  principal  advantages  enumerated  by  Gulliver 
in  the  beginning  of  this  chapter,  of  mingling  again  among  his 
countrymen,  depended  on  their  being  of  the  same  size  with  him- 
self, yet  this  is  forgotten  in  his  ardour  to  be  delivered :  and  he  is 
afterwards  betrayed  into  the  same  absurdity,  by  his  zeal  to  pre- 
serve his  furniture.— Hawkesworth. 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BROBDINGNAG.  301 

rather  quilted,  with  silk  and  cotton  ;  that  if  he  would 
let  one  of  the  crew  bring  my  closet  into  his  cabin,  I 
would  open  it  there  before  him,  and  show  him  my 
goods.  The  captain,  hearing  me  utter  these  absurd, 
ities,  concluded  I  was  raving ;  however  (I  suppose  to 
pacify  me)  he  promised  to  give  order  as  I  desired, 
and  going  upon  deck,  sent  some  of  his  men  down  into 
my  closet,  whence  (as  I  afterwards  found),  they  drew 
up  all  my  goods,  and  stripped  off  the  quilting  ;  but 
the  chairs,  cabinet,  and  bedstead,  being  screwed  to 
the  floor,  were  much  damaged  by  the  ignorance  of 
the  seamen,  who  tore  them  up  by  force.  Then  they 
knocked  off  some  of  the  boards  for  the  use  of  the  ship, 
and  when  they  had  got  all  they  had  a  mind  for,  let 
the  hull  drop  into  the  sea,  which,  by  reason  of  many 
breaches  made  in  the  bottom  and  sides,  sunk  outright. 
And,  indeed,  I  was  glad  not  to  have  been  a  spectator 
of  the  havoc  they  made ;  because  I  am  confident  it 
would  have  sensibly  touched  me,  by  bringing  former 
passages  into  my  mind  which  I  would  rather  have 
forgot. 

I  slept  some  hours,  but  perpetually  disturbed  with 
dreams  of  the  place  I  had  left,  and  the  dangers  I  had 
escaped.  However,  upon  waking,  I  found  myself 
much  recovered.  It  was  now  about  eight  o'clock  at 
night,  and  the  captain  ordered  supper  immediately, 
thinking  I  had  already  fasted  too  long.  He  enter- 
tained me  with  great  kindness,  observing  me  not  to 
look  wildly,  or  talk  inconsistently ;  and  when  we 
were  left  alone,  desired  I  would  give  him  a  relation 
of  my  travels,  and  by  what  accident  I  camo  to  be  set 
26 


302 


GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 


adrift  in  that  monstrous  wooden  chest.  He  said, 
"  that  about  twelve  o'clock  at  noon,  as  he  was  looking 
through  his  glass,  he  spied  it  at  a  distance,  and  thought 
it  was  a  sail,  which  he  had  a  mind  to  make,  being 


not  much  out  of  his  course,  in  hopes  of  buying  some 
biscuit,  his  own  beginning  to  fall  short.  That  upon 
coming  nearer,  and  finding  his  error,  he  sent  out  his 
long  boat,  to  discover  what  it  was  ;  that  his  men  came 
back  in  a  fright,  swearing  they  had  seen  a  swimming 
house.  That  he  laughed  at  their  folly,  and  went 
himself  in  the  boat,  ordering  his  men  to  take  a  strong 
cable  along  with  them.  That  the  weather  being  calm, 
he  rowed  round  me  several  times,  observed  my  win- 
dows  and  wire  lattices  that  defended  them.  That  he 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BIIOBDINGNAG.  303 

discovered  two  staples  upon  one  side,  which  was  all 
of  boards,  without  any  passage  for  light.  He  then 
commanded  his  men  to  row  up  to  that  side,  and 
fastening  a  cable  to  one  of  the  staples,  ordered  them 
to  tow  my  chest,  as  they  called  it,  toward  the  ship. 
When  it  was  there,  he  gave  directions  to  fasten 
another  cable  to  the  ring  fixed  in  the  cover,  and  to 
raise  up  my  chest  with'  pulleys,  which  all  the  sailors 
were  not  able  to  do  above  two  or  three  feet.  He 
said,  they  saw  my  stick  and  handkerchief  thrust  out 
of  the  hole,  and  concluded  that  some  unhappy  man 
must  be  shut  up  in  the  cavity."  I  asked,  "  whether 
he  or  the  crew  had  seen  any  prodigious  birds  in  the 
air,  about  the  time  he  first  discovered  me  ?"  To 
which  he  answered,  "  that  discoursing  this  matter 
,vvith  the  sailors  while  I  was  asleep,  one  of  them  said, 
he  had  observed  three  eagles  flying  towards  the  north, 
but  remarked  nothing  of  their  being  larger  than  the 
usual  size  ;"  which  I  suppose  must  be  imputed  to  the 
great  height  they  were  at ;  and  he  could  not  guess 
the  reason  of  my  question.  I  then  asked  the  captain, 
"  how  far  he  reckoned  we  might  be  from  land  ?"  He 
said,  "  by  the  best  computation  he  could  make,  we 
were  at  least  a  hundred  leagues."  I  assured  him 
that  he  must  be  mistaken  by  almost  half,  for  I  had 
not  left  the  country  whence  I  came,  above  two  hours 
before  I  dropped  into  the  sea."  Whereupon  he  began 
again  to  think  that  my  brain  was  disturbed,  of  which 
he  gave  me  a  hint,  and  advised  me  to  go  to  bed  in  a 
cabin  he  had  provided.  I  assured  him,  "  I  was  well 
refreshed  with  his  good  entertainment  and  company, 


304  GULLIVER  S    TRAVELS. 

and  as  much  in  my  senses  as  ever  I  was  in  jny  life." 
He  then  grew  serious,  and  desired  to  ask  me  freelyv 
"  whether  I  were  not  troubled  in  my  mind  by  the  con- 
sciousness  of  some  enormous  crime,  for  which  I  waa 
punished,  at  the  command  of  some  prince,  by  ex- 
posing me  in  that  chest ;  as  great  criminals,  in  other 
countries,  have  been  forced  to  sea  in  a  leaky  vessel, 
without  provisions  :  for  although  he  should  be  sorry 
to  have  taken  so  ill  a  man  into  his  ship,  yet  he  would 
engage  his  word  to  set  me  safe  ashore,  in  the  first 
port  where  we  arrived  ?"  He  added,  "  that  his 
suspicions  were  much  increased  by  some  very  absurd 
speeches  I  had  delivered  at  first  to  his  sailors,  and 
afterwards  to  himself,  in  relation  to  my  closet  or 
chest,  as  well  as  by  my  odd  looks  and  behaviour 
while  I  was  at  supper." 

I  begged  his  patience  to  hear  me  tell  my  story, 
which  I  faithfully  did,  from  the  last  time  I  left  Eng- 
land, to  the  moment  he  first  discovered  me.  And  as 
truth  always  forces  its  way  into  rational  minds,  so 
this  honest  worthy  gentleman,  who  had  some  tincture 
of  learning,  and  very  good  sense,  was  immediately 
convinced  of  my  candour  and  veracity.  But,  farther 
to  confirm  all  I  had  said,  I  entreated  him  to  give 
order  that  my  cabinet  should  be  brought,  of  which  I 
had  the  key  in  my  pocket ;  for  he  had  already  in- 
formed me  how  the  seamen  disposed  of  my  closet.  I 
opened  it  in  his  own  presence,  and  showed  him  the 
small  collection  of  rarities  I  made  in  the  country 
from  which  I  had  been  so  strangely  delivered.  There 
was  the  comb  I  had  contrived  out  of  the  stumps  of 


A    VOYAGE   TO    BROBDINGNAG.  305 

i'iu  king's  beard,  and  another  of  the  same  materials, 
but  fixed  into  a  paring  of  her  majesty's  thumb  nail, 
which  served  for  the  back.  There  was  a  collection 
of  needles  and  pins,  from  a  foot  to  half  a  yard  long ; 
four  wasp  stings,  like  joiners'  tacks  ;  some  combings 
of  the  queen's  hair  ;  a  gold  ring  which  one  day  she 
made  me  a  present  of,  in  a  most  obliging  manner, 
taking  it  from  her  little  finger,  and  throwing  it  over 
my  head  like  a  collar.  I  desired  the  captain  would 
please  to  accept  this  ring  in  return  of  his  civilities  ; 
which  he  absolutely  refused.  I  showed  him  a  corn 
that  I  had  cut  off,  with  my  own  hand,  from  a  maid 
of  honour's  toe  ;  it  was  about  the  bigness  of  a  Kentish 
pippin,  and  grown  so  hard,  that  when  I  returned  to 
England,  I  got  it  hollowed  into  a  cup,  and  set  in 
silver.  Lastly,  I  desired  him  to  see  the  breeches  I 
had  then  on,  which  were  made  of  a  mouse's  skin. 

I  could  force  nothing  on  him  but  a  footman's  tooth, 
which  I  observed  him  to  examine  with  great  curiosi- 
ty, and  found  he  had  a  fancy  for  it.  He  received  it 
with  abundance  of  thanks,  more  than  such  a  trifle 
could  deserve.  It  was  drawn  by  an  unskilful  sur- 
geon, in  a  mistake,  from  one  of  Glumdalclitch's  men, 
who  was  afflicted  with  the  tooth-ache,  but  it  was  as 
sound  as  any  in  his  head.  I  got  it  cleaned,  and  put 
it  into  my  cabinet.  It  was  about  a  foot  long,  and  four 
inches  in  diameter. 

The  captain  was  very  well  satisfied  with  this  plain 

relation  I  had  given  him,  'and  said,  "  he  hoped,  when 

we  returned  to  England,  I  would  oblige  the  world  by 

putting  it  on  paper,  and  making  it  public."     My  an. 

26* 


306  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

swer  was,  "  that  I  thought  we  were  overstocked  with 
books  of  travels;  that  nothing  could  now  pass  which 
was  not  extraordinary  ;  wherein,  I  doubted  some  au- 
thors less  consulted  truth,  than  their  own  vanity,  or 
interest,  or  the  diversion  of  ignorant  readers  ;  tha 
my  story  could  contain  little  besides  common  events 
without  those  ornamental  descriptions  of  strange  plants, 
trees,  birds,  and  other  animals  ;  or  of  the  barbarous 
customs  and  idolatry  of  savage  people,  with  which 
most  writers  abound."  However,  I  thanked  him  for 
his  good  opinion,  and  promised  to  take  the  matter  into 
my  thoughts. 

He  said,  "  he  wondered  at  one  thing  very  much, 
which  was  to  hear  me  speak  so  loud  ;  asking  me, 
whether  the  king  and  queen  of  that  country  were  thick 
of  hearing  ?"  I  told  him,  "  it  was  what  I  had  been 
used  to  for  above  two  years  past,  and  that  I  admired 
as  much  at  the  voices  of  him  and  his  men,  who  seemed 
to  me  only  to  whisper,  and  yet  I  could  hear  them  well 
enough.  But,  when  I  spoke  in  that  country,  it  was 
like  a  man  talking  in  the  streets,  to  another  looking 
out  from  the  top  of  a  steeple,  unless  when  I  was  placed 
on  a  table,  or  held  in  any  person's  hand."  I  told  him, 
"  I  had  likewise  observed  another  thing,  that  when  I 
first  got  into  the  ship,  and  the  sailors  stood  all  about 
me,  I  thought  they  were  the  most  contemptible  little 
creatures  I  had  ever  beheld."  For,  indeed,  while  I 
was  in  that  prince's  country,  I  could  never  endure  to 
look  in  a  glass  after  mine  eyes  had  been  accustomed 
to  such  prodigious  objects,  because  the  comparisons 
gave  me  so  despicable  a  conceit  of  myself.  The  cap- 


A  VOYAGE  TO  BROBDINGNAG.  307 

<ain  said,  "  that  while  we  were  at  supper  he  observed 
me  to  look  at  every  thing  with  a  sort  of  wonder,  and 
that  I  often  seemed  hardly  able  to  contain  my  laugh- 
ter, which  he  knew  not  well  how  to  take,  but  imputed 
it  to  some  disorder  in  my  brain."  I  answered,  "  it 
was  very  true ;  and  I  wondered  how  I  could  forbear, 
when  I  saw  his  dishes  of  the  size  of  a  silver  three- 
pence, a  leg  of  pork  hardly  a  mouthful,  a  cup  not  so 
big  as  a  nutshell ;"  and  so  I  went  on,  describing  the 
rest  of  his  household  stuff  and  provisions,  after  the 
same  manner.  For,  although  the  queen  had  ordered 
a  little  equipage  of  all  things  necessary  for  me,  while 
was  in  her  service,  yet  my  ideas  were  wholly  taken 
up  with  what  I  saw  on  every  side  of  me,  and  I  winked 
at  my  own  littleness  as  people  do  at  their  own  faults. 
The  captain  understood  my  raillery  very  well,  and 
merrily  replied  with  tho  old  English  proverb,  that  he 
doubted  mine  eyes  were  bigger  than  my  belly,  for  he 
did  not  observe  my  stomach  so  good,  although  I  had 
fasted  all  day  ;  and,  continuing  in  his  mirth,  protest- 
ed, "  he  would  have  gladly  given  a  hundred  pounds, 
to  have  seen  my  closet  in  the  eagle's  bill,  and  after- 
wards in  its  fall  from  so  great  a  height  into  the  sea  : 
which  would  certainly  have  been  a  most  astonishing 
object  worthy  to  have  the  description  of  it  transmitted 
to  future  ages ;"  and  the  comparison  of  Phaeton  was 
so  obvious,  that  he  could  not  forbear  applying  it,  al- 
though  I  did  not  much  admire  the  conceit. 

The  captain  having  been  at  Tonquin,  was,  in  his 
return  to  England,  driven  north-eastward  to  the  lati- 
tude of  44  degrees,  and  longitude  of  143  But  meet- 


303  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS. 

ing  a  trade-wind  two  days  after  1  came  on  board  him, 
we  sailed  southward  a  long  time,  and  coasting  New 
Holland,  kept  our  course  west-south-west,  and  then 
south-south-west,  till  we  doubled  the  Cape  of  Good 
Hope.  Our  voyage  was  very  prosperous,  but  I  shall 
not  trouble  the  reader  with  a  journal  of  it.  The  cap- 
tain called  in  at  one  or  two  ports,  and  sent  in  his 
long-boat  for  provisions  and  fresh  water ;  but  I  never 
went  out  of  the  ship  till  we  came  into  the  Downs, 
which  was  on  the  third  day  of  June,  1706,  about 
nine  months  after  my  escape.  I  offered  to  leave  mj 
goods  in  securiiy  for  payment  of  my  freight,  but  the 
captain  protested  he  would  not  receive  one  farthing. 
We  took  a  kind  leave  of  each  other,  and  I  made  him 
promise  he  would  come  to  see  me  at  my  house  in 
Redriff.  I  hired  a  horse  and  guide  for  five  shillings, 
which  I  borrowed  of  the  captain.1 

As  I  was  on  the  road,  observing  the  littleness  of  the 
houses,  the  trees,  the  cattle,  and  the  people,  I  began 

1  This  exquisitely  simple  incident  will  probably  remind  the 
reader  of  Campbell's  description  of  Commodore  Byron : 

In  horrid  climes,  where  Chiloe's  tempests  sweep 
Tumultuous  murmurs  o'er  the  troubled  deep, 
'Twas  his  to  mourn  Misfortune's  rudest  shock; 
Scourged  by  the  winds  and  cradled  on  the  rock, 
To  wake  each  joyless  morn  and  search  again 
The  famished  haunts  of  solitary  men, 
Whose  race  unyielding  as  their  native  storm, 
Know  not  a  trace  of  nature  but  the  form ; 
Yet  at  thy  call  the  hardy  tar  pursued, 
Pale,  but  intrepid,  sad,  but  unsubdued, 
Pierced  the  deep  woods,  and  hailing  from  afar 
The  moon's  pale  planet  and  the  northern  star, 


A    VOYAGE    TO    BHOBDINGNAG.  309 

10  think  myself  in  Lilliput.  I  was  afraid  of  tramp 
ling  on  every  traveller  I  met,  and  often  called  aloud 
to  them  to  have  them  stand  out  of  the  way,  so  that  I 
had  like  to  have  gotten  one  or  two  broken  heads  for 
my  impertinence. 

When  I  came  to  my  own  house,  for  which  1  was 
forced  to  inquire,  one  of  my  servants  opening  the  door, 
I  bent  down  to  go  in  (like  a  goose  under  a  .gate),  for 
fear  of  striking  my  head.  My  wife  ran  out  to  em- 
brace me,  but  I  stooped  lower  than  her  knees,  think- 
ing she  could  otherwise  never  be  able  to  reach  my 
mouth.  My  daughter  kneeled  to  ask  my  blessing, 
but  I  could  not  see  her  till  she  arose,  having  been  so 
long  used  to  stand  with  my  head  and  eyes  erect  to 
above  sixty  feet ;  and  then  I  went  to  take  her  up  with 
one  hand  by  the  waist.  I  looked  down  upon  the  ser- 
vants, and  one  01  two  friends  who  were  in  the  house, 
as  if  they  had  been  pigmies,  and  I  a  giant.  I  told  my 
wife,  "  she  had  been  too  thrifty,  for  I  found  she  had 
starved  herself  and  her  daughter  to  nothing."  In 
short,  I  behaved  myself  so  unaccountably  that  they 
were  all  of  the  captain's  opinion  when  he  first  saw 
me,  and  concluded  I  had  lost  my  wits.  This  I  men- 
tion as  an  instance  of  the  great  power  of  habit  and 
prejudice. 

In  a  little  time,  I  and  my  family  and    friends  came 

Paused  at  each  dreary  cry  unheard  before, 
Hyenas  in  the  wild  and  mermaids  on  the  shore ; 
Till  led  by  Hope  o'er  many  a  cliff  sublime, 
He  found  a  warmer  world,  a  milder  clime, 
A  home  to  rest,  a  shelter  to  defend, 
Peace  and  repose,  a  Briton  and  a  friend. 


310  GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS). 

to  a  right  understanding  ;  but  my  wife  protested  1 
should  never  go  to  sea  any  more  ;  although  my  evil 
destiny  so  ordered,  that  she  had  not  power  to  hinder 
me,  as  the  reader  may  know  hereafter.  In  the  mean 
time.  I  here  conclude  the  Second  Part  of  my  unfortu- 
nate Vo>ages. 


TALE  OF  A  TUB, 

WRITTEN    FOR   THE   UNIVERSAL 

IMPROVEMENT  OF  MANKIND. 

DID   MULTUMQCE  DESIDERATUM. 
TO  WHICH  ARE  ADDED, 

AN  ACCOUNT   OF  A  BATTLE 

BETWEEN  THE 

ANCIENT  AND  MODERN  BOOKS 
3n  Qt.  James's  £ibrars, 

AND 

A  DISCOURSE 

CONCERNING  THE  MECHANICAL 

OPERATIONS  OF  THE  SPIRIT. 

BY  JONATHAN  SWIFT, 

D.  D.,  AND  DEAN  OF  SAINT  PATRICK'S,  DUBLIN. 
WITH  THE 

AUTHOR'S  APOLOGY,  AND  EXPLANATORY  NOTES, 

BY  W.  WOTTON,  D.  D.  AND   OTHERS. 


Bat/ma  cacabassa  eanaa,  irraumista  diaraba  cagota  bafobor  camelanthL 

IREN.,  lib.  i.  c.  18 

Juvatque  novos  decerpere  flores, 

Insignemque  meo  capiti  petere  inde  corotiam, 
Unde  priua  nulli  velarunt  tempora  muss, — LUCBET. 

Ridentem  dicere  quid  vetatl—  HORACE. 


NEW-YORK: 

LEAVITT  &  ALLEN,  27  DEY  STREET. 
1853. 


AN 

APOLOGY 

FOR  THE 

AUTHOR. 


fp  good  and  ill-nature  equally  operated  upon  mankind. 
I  <night  have  saved  myself  the  trouble  of  this  apology  :  for 
r*  is  manifestly  the  reception  the  following  discourse  hath 
met  with,  that  those  who  approve  it  are  a  great  majority 
among  men  of  taste.  Yet  there  have  been  two  or  three 
treatises  written  expressly  against  it,  besides  many  others 
that'  have  flirted  at  it  occasionally,  without  one  s/llable 
having  been  ever  published  in  its  defence,  or  even  quotation 
to  its  advantage,  that  I  can  remember  ;  except  by  the  polite 
author  of  a  late  Discourse  between  a  Deist  and  a  Socinian. 

Therefore,  since  the  book  seems  calculated  to  live  at 
least  as  long  as  our  language  and  our  taste,  admits  no  great 
alterations,  I  am  content  to  convey  some  apology  along 
with  it. 

The  greatest  part  of  that  book  was  finished  above  thirteen, 
years  since,  1696  ;  which  is  eight  years  before  it  was  pub- 
lished. The  author  was  then  young,  his  invention  at  the 
height,  and  his  reading  fresh  in  his  head.  By  the  assistance 
of  some  thinking,  and  much  conversation,  he  had  endeav- 
oured to  strip  himself  of  as  many  real  prejudices  as  he  could: 
I  say,  real  ones  ;  because  under  the  notion  of  prejudices, 
he  knew  to  what  dangerous  height  some  men  have  proceeded. 
Thus  prepared,  he  thought  the  numerous  and  gross  corrup- 
tions in  religion  and  learning  might  furnish  matter  for  a 
satire,  that  would  be  useful  and  diverting.  He  resolved  to 
proceed  in  a  manner  that  should  be  altogether  new  ;  the 
world  having  been  already  too  long  nauseated  with  endless 
repititions  upon  every  subject.  The  abuses  in  religion 


o 


IV  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR. 

he  proposed  to  set  forth  in  the  allegory  of  the  coats  and 
the  three  brothers;  which  was  to  make  up  the  body  of  the 
discourse.  Those  in  learning  he  chose  to  introduce  by  way 
of  digressions.  He  was  then  a  young  gentleman,  much  in 
the  world ;  and  wrote  to  the  taste  of  those  who  were  like 
himself:  therefore,  in  order  to  allure  them,  he  gave  a  liberty 
to  his  pen,  which  might  not  suit  with  maturer  years,  or 
graver  characters  ;  and  which  he  could  have  easily  corrected 
with  a  very  few  blots,  had  he  been  master  of  his  papers  for 
a  year  or  two,  before  their  publication. 

Not  that  he  would  have  governed  his  judgment  by  the 
ill-placed  cavils  of  the  sour,  the  envious,  the  stupid  and  the 
tasteless  ;  which  he  mentions  with  disdain.  He  acknowl- 
edges there  are  several  youthful  sallies,  which,  from  the 
grave,  and  the  wise,  may  deserve  a  rebuke.  But  he  de- 
sires to  be  answerable  no  farther  than  he  is  guilty ;  and 
that  his  faults  may  not  be  multiplied  by  the  ignorant,  the 
unnatural,  and  uncharitable  applications  of  those  who  have 
neither  candour  to  suppose  good  meanings,  nor  palate  to 
distinguish  true  ones.  After  which  he  will  forfeit  his  life 
if  any  one  opinion  can  be  fairly  deduced  from  that  book, 
which  is  contrary  to  religion  or  morality. 

Why  should  any  clergyman  of  our  church  be  angry  to  see 
the  follies  of  fanaticism  and  superstition  exposed,  though  in 
the  most  ridiculous  manner,  since  that  is  the  most  probable 
way  to  cure  them,  or  at  least  to  hinder  them  from  farther 
spreading?  Besides,  though  it  was  not  intended  for  their 
perusal,  it  rallies  nothing  but  what  they  preach  against.  It 
contains  nothing  to  provoke  them,  by  the  least  scurrility 
upon  their  persons  or  their  functions.  It  celebrates  the 
Church  of  England  as  the^most  perfect  of  all  others  in 
discipline  and  doctrine;  it  advances  no  opinion  they  reject, 
nor  condemns  any  they  receive.  If  the  clergy's  resentments 
lay  upon  their  hands,  in  my  humble  opinion,  they  might 
have  found  more  proper  objects  to  employ  them  on, 
JYondum  tibi  defuit  hostis  ;  I  mean  those  heavy,  illiterate 
scribblers,  prostitute  in  their  reputation,  vicious  in  their 
lives,  and  ruined  in  their  fortunes  ;  who,  to  the  shame  of 
good  sense  as  well  as  piety,  are  greedily  read,  merely  upon 
the  strength  of  bold,  false,  impious  assertions,  mixed  with 


o 


AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR.  » 

unmannerly  reflections  upon  the  priesthood,  an*!  openly 
intended  against  all  religion ;  in  short,  full  of  such  principles 
as  are  kindly  Received,  because  they  are  levelled  to  remove 
those  terrors,  that  religion  tells  men  will  be  the  consequence 
of  immoral  lives.  Nothing  like  which  is  to  be  met  with  in 
this  discourse,  though  some  are  pleased  so  freely  to  censure 
it.  And  I  wish  there  were  no  other  instances  of  what  I 
have  too  frequently  observed,  that  many  of  the  Reverend 
body  are  not  always  very  nice  in  distinguishing  between 
their  enemies  and  their  friends. 

Had  the  author's  intentions  met  with  a  more  candid  in- 
terpretation from  some,  whom,  out  of  respect,  he  forbears 
to  name, he  might  have  been  encouraged  loan  examination 
of  books,  written  by  some  of  those  authors  above  described  ; 
whose  errors,  ignorance,  dullness,  and  villany,  he  thinks 
he  could  have  defected  and  exposed,  in  such  a  manner,  that 
the  persons  who  are  most  conceived  to  be  infected  by  them, 
would  soon  lay  them  aside,  and  be  ashamed.  But  he  has 
now  given  over  those  thoughts ;  since  the  weightiest  men* 
in  tjie  weightiest  stations  are  pleased  to  think  it  a  more 
dangerous  point  to  laugh  at  those  -corruptions  in  religion 
which  they  themselves  must  disapprove,  than  to  endeavour 
pulling  up  those  very  foundations  wherein  all  Christians 
have  agreed. 

He  thinks  it  no  fair  proceeding' that  any  person  should 
offer  determinately  to  fix  a  name  upon  the  author  of  this 
discourse,  who  hath  all  along  concealed  himself  from  most 
of  his  nearest  friends :  yet  several  have  gone  a  farther  step, 
and  pronounced  another  bookj  to  have  been  the  work  of 
the  same  hand  with  this;  which  the  author  affirms  to  be  a 
thorough  mistake,  he  having  yet  never  so  much  as  read 
that  discourse  :  A  plain  instance  how  little  truth  there  is  in 
general  surmises,  or  in  conjectures  drawn  from  similitude 
of  style,  or  way  of  thinking. 

Had  the  author  written  a  book  to  expose  the  abuses  in 

*  Alluding  to  Dr.  Sharp,  the  Archbishop  of  York's  representa 
tion  of  the  Author. 

t  Letter  of  Enthusiasm,  supposed  to  have  been  written  by 
Colonel  Hunter.— See  Swift's  Letter  to  him. 


VI  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR. 

law  or  in  physic,  he  believes  the  learned  jrofessors  in 
either  faculty  would  have  been  so  far  from  resenting  it,  as 
to  have  given  him  thanks  for  his  pains ;  especially  if  he 
had  made  an  honourable  reservation  for  the  true  practice  of 
either  science.  But  religion,  they  tell  us,  ought  not  to  be 
ridiculed ;  and  they  tell  us  truth  :  yet,  surely,  the  corrup- 
tions may  ;  for  we  are  taught,  by  the  tritest  maxim  in  the 
world,  that  religion,  being  the  best  of  things,  its  corruptions 
are  likely  to  be  the  worst. 

There  is  one  thing  which  the  judicious  reader  cannot 
but  have  observed,  that  some  of  those  passages  in  this 
discourse,  which  appear  most  liable  to  objection,  are  what 
they  call  parodies,  where  the  author  personates  the  style 
and  manner  of  other  writers,  whom  he  has  a  mind  to  expose. 
I  shall  produce  one  instance  ;  it  is  in  the  forty-seventh  page. 
Dryden,  L'Estrange,  and  some  others  I  shall  not  name,  are 
here  levelled  at ;  who,  having  spent  their  lives  in  faction, 
and  apostasies,  and  all  manner  of  vice,  pretended  to  be 
sufferers  for  loyalty  and  religion.  So  Dryden,  tells  us,  in 
one  of  his  prefaces,  of  his  merits  and  sufferings  ;  thanks  God, 
that  he  "  possesses  his  soul  in  patience."  In  other  places 
he  talks  at  the  same  rate ;  and  L'Estrange  often  uses  the 
like  style  :  and  I  believe  the  reader  may  find  more  persons 
to  give  that  passage  an  application.  But  this  is  enough  to 
direct  those  who  may  have  overlooked  the  author's  intention. 

There  are  three  or  four  other  passages  which  prejudiced 
or  ignorant  readers  have  drawn,  by  great  force,  to  hint  at 
ill  meanings ;  as  if  they  glanced  at  some  tenets  in  religion. 
In  answer  to  all  which,  the  author  solemnly  protests,  he  is 
entirely  innocent,  and  never  had  it  once  in  his  thoughts, 
that  any  thing  he  said  would  in  the  least  be  capable  of  such 
interpretations,  which  he  will  engage  to  deduce  full  as  fairly 
from  the  most  innocent  book  in  the  world.  And  it  will  be 
obvious  to  every  reader,  that  this  was  not  any  part  of  his 
scheme  or  design ;  the  abuses  he  notes  being  such  as  all 
Church  of  England-men  agree  in  :  nor  was  it  proper  for  his 
subject  to  meddle  with  other  points,  than  such  as  have  been 
perpetually  controverted  since  the  Reformation. 

To  instance  only  in  that  passage  about  the  three  wooden 
machines,  mentioned  in  the  introduction  :  In  the  original 


AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR.  vif 

manuscript  there  was  a  description  of  -a  fourth,  which 
those,  who  had  the  papers  in  their  power,  blotted  out,  as 
having  something  in  it  of  satire,  that,  1  suppose,  they  thought 
was  too  particular;  and  therefore,  they  were  forced  to 
change  it  to  the  number  three;  from  whence  some  have 
endeavoured  to  squeeze  out  a  dangerous  meaning,  that  was 
never  thought  on.  And  indeed  the  conceit  was  half  spoiled 
by  changing  the  numbers ;  that  of  four  being  much  more 
cabalistic,  and  therefore  better  exposing  the  pretended  virtue 
of  numbers;  a  superstition  there  intended  to  be  ridiculed. 

Another  thing  to  be  observed  is,  that  there  generally 
runs  an  irony  through  the  thread  of  the  whole  book;  which 
the  men  of  taste  will  observe,  and  distinguish,  and  which 
will  render  some  objections,  that  have  been  made,  very 
weak  and  insignificant. 

This  apology  being  chiefly  intended  for  the  satisfaction 
of  future  readers,  it  may  be  thought  unnecessary  to  take 
any  notice  of  such  treatises  as  have  been  written  against 
this  ensuing  discourse  ;  which  are  already  sunk  into  waste 
paper  and  oblivion,  after  the  usual  fate  of  common  answer- 
ers to  books,  which  are  allowed  to  have  any  merit.  They 
are  indeed  like  annuals  that  grow  about  a  young  tree,  and 
seem  to  vie  with  it  for  a  summer;  but  fall  and  die  with  the 
leaves  in  autumn,  and  are  never  heard  of  any  more.  When 
Dr.  Eachard  wrote  his  book  about  .the  contempt  of  the 
clergy,  numbers  of  those  answers  immediately  started  up, 
whose  memory,  if  he  had  not  kept  alive,  by  his  replies,  it 
would  now  be  utterly  unknown  ^that  he  were  ever  answered 
at  all.  There  is  indeed  an  exception,  when  any  great 
genius  thinks  it  worth  his  while  to  expose  a  foolish  piece 

So  we  still  read  Marvel's  Answer  to  Parker*  with  pleasure, 
tho'  the  book  it  answers  be  sunk  long  ago ;  so  the  Earl 
of  Orrery's  Remarks  will  be  read  with  delight,  when  the 
Dissertation  he  exposes  will  neither  be  sought  nor  found.'f 

*  Parker,  afterwards  Bishop  of  Oxford,  wrote  many  treatises 
against  the  Dissenters,  with  insolence  and  contempt,  says  Burnet, 
that  enraged  them  beyond  measure,  for  which  he  was  chastised 
by  Andrew  Marvel,  under  secretary  to  Milton,  in  a  little  book, 
called  the  Rehearsal  Transposed. 

t  Boyle's  Remarks  upon  Berkley's  Dissertation  on  tVie  Epistle* 
of  Phalaris. 


VH1  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR. 

But  these  are  no  enterprizes  for  common  hands,  nor  to  be 
hoped  for  above  once  or  twice  in  an  age.  Men  would  be 
more  cautious  of  losing  their  time  in  such  an  undertaking, 
if  they  did  but  consider  that  to  answer  a  book  effectually, 
requires  more  pains  or  skill,  more  wit,  learning  and  judg- 
ment, than  were  employed  in  the  writing  it ;  and  the  author 
assures  those  gentlemen  who  have  given  themselves  that 
trouble  with  him,  that  his  discourse  is  the  product  of  the 
study,  the  observation,  and  the  invention  of  several  years ; 
that  he  often  blotted  out  much  more  than  he  left;  and  if 
his  papers  had  not  been  a  long  time  out  of  his  possession, 
they  must  have  still  undergone  more  severe  corrections 
And  do  they  think  such  a  building  is  to  be  battered  with 
dirt-pellets,  however  envenomed  the  mouth  may  be  that 
discharge  them  ?  He  hath  seen  the  productions  but  of  two 
answerers,  one  of  which  first  appeared  as  from  an  unknown 
hand,  but  since  avowed  by  a  person,*  who,  upon  some 
occasions,  hath  discovered  no  ill  vein  of  humour.  It  is  a 
pity  any  occasions  should  put  him  under  a  necessity  of 
being  so  hasty  in  his  productions,  which  otherwise  might 
often  be  entertaining.  But  there  were  other  reasons,  obvi- 
ous enough,  for  his  miscarriage  in  this;  he  wrote  against 
the  conviction  of  his  talent,  and  entered  upon  one  of  the 
wrongest  attempts  in  nature,  to  turn  into  ridicule,  by  a 
week's  labour,  a  work  which  had  cost  so  much  time,  and 
met  with  so  much  success  in  ridiculing  others.  The  manner 
how  he  handled  his  subject  I  have  now  forgot ;  having  just 
looked  it  over  when  it  first  came  out,  as  others  did,  merely 
for  the  sake  of  the  title.f 

The  other  answer  is  from  a  person  of  a  graver  character, 
and  is  made  up  of  half  invective  and  half  annotation,^  in 
the  latter  of  which  he  hath  generally  succeeded  well  enough 

*  Supposed  to  be  Dr.  William  King,  the  Civilian,  author  of  an 
Account  of  Denmark,  a  Dissertation  on  Samplers,  and  other 
pieces  of  burlesque  on  the  Royal  Society,  and  the  Art  of  Cookery, 
in  imitation  of  Horace's  Art  of  Poetry,  &c. 

t  This  we  cannot  recover  at  present,  it  being  so  absolutely  for- 
gotten ;  the  oldest  booksellers  in  trade  remember  nothing  of  it. 

J  Wotton's  Defence  of  his  Reflections  upon  Ancient  and  Modern 
Learning.  Fi  om  the  annotations  are  selected  the  Notes,  signed 


AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR.  IX 

And  the  project  at  that  time  was  not  amiss,  to  draw  in 
readers  to  his  pamphlet:  several  having  appeared  desirous 
that  there  might  be  some  explication  of  the  more  difficult 
passages.  Neither  can  he  be  altogether  blamed  for  offering, 
at  the  invective  part ;  because  it  is  agreed  on  all  hands, 
that  the  author  had  given  him  sufficient  provocation.  The 
great  objection  is  against  his  manner  of  treating  it,  very 
unjustifiable  to  one  of  his  function.  It  was  determined  by 
a  fair  majority,  that  this  answerer  had,  in  a  way  not  to  be 
pardoned,  drawn  his  pen  against  a  certain  great  man  then 
alive,  and  universally  reverenced  for  every  good  quality 
that  could  possibly  enter  into  the  composition  of  the  most 
accomplished  person.  It  was  observed  how  he  was  pleased 
and  affected  to  have  that  noble  writer  called  his  adversary ; 
and  it  was  a  point  of  satire  well  directed  ;  for  I  have  been 
told,  Sir  W.  T.  was  sufficiently  mortified  at  the  term.  All 
the  men  of  wit  and  politeness  were  immediately  up  inarms, 
through  indignation,  which  prevailed  over  their  contempt; 
by  the  consequences  they  apprehended  from  such  an 
example;  and  it  grew  to  be  Porsena's  case;  idem  trecenti 
juravimu'  In  short,  things  were  ripe  for  a  general  in- 
surrection, till  my  Lord  Orrery  had  a  little  laid  the  spirit, 
and  settled  the  ferment.  But  his  Lordship  being  principally 
engaged  with  another  antagonist,*  it  was  thought  necessary, 
in  order  to  quiet  the  minds  of  men,  that  this  opposer  should 
receive  a  reprimand,  which  party  occasioned  that  Discourse 
of  the  Battle  of  the  Books ;  and  the  author  was  farther 
at  the  pains  to  insert  one  or  two  remarks  on  him  in  the 
body  of  the  book. 

This  answerer  has  been  pleased  to  find  fault  with  about  a 
dozen  passages,  which  the  author  will  not  be  at  the  trouble 
of  defending,  farther  than  by  assuring  the  reader,  that  for 
the  greater  part  the  reflecter  is  entirely  mistaken,  and  forces 
interpretations  which  never  once  entered  into  the  writer's 

W.  Wotton.  Thus  Wotton  appears  busied  to  illustrate  a  work 
which  he  laboured  to  condemn,  and  gave  force  to  a  satire  pointed 
against  himself,  as  captives  were  bound  to  the  chariot  wheel  of 
the  victor,  and  compelled  to  increase  the  pomp  of  his  triumph, 
\vhom  they  had  in  vain  attempted  to  defeat. 
*  Bentley  concerning  Phalaris  and  Msop. 


X  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR. 

4 

head,  nor  will,  he  is  sure,  into  that  of  any  reader  of  U.st« 
and  candour.  He  allows  two  or  three  at  most,  there 
produced,  to  have  been  delivered  unwarily,  for  which  he 
desires  to  plead  the  excuse  offered  already,  of  his  youih 
and  frankness  of  speech,  and  his  papers  being  out  of  his 
power  at  the  time  they  were  published. 

But  this  answerer  insists,  and  says,  what  he  chiefly  dis- 
likes, is  the  design.  What  that  was,  I  have  already  told  ; 
and  1  believe  there  is  not  a  person  in  England,  who  can 
understand  that  book,  that  ever  imagined  it  to  have  been 
any  thing  else,  but  to  expose  the  abuses  and  corruptions 
in  learning  and  religion. 

But  it  would  be  good  to  know  what  design  this  reflector 
was  serving,  when  he  concludes  his  pamphlet  with  a  caution 
to  the  reader,  to  beware  of  thinking  the  author's  wit  was 
entirely  his  own.  Surely  this  must  have  had  some  allay  of 
personal  animosity,  at  least,  mixed  with  the  design  of 
serving  the  public  by  so  useful  a  discovery ;  and  it  indeed 
touches  the  author  in  a  very  tender  point,  who  insists  upon 
it,  that,  through  the  whole  book,  he  has  not  borrowed  one 
single  hint  from  any  writer  in  the  world ;  and  he  thought, 
of  all  criticism,  that  would  never  have  been  one.  He  con- 
ceived it  was  never  disputed  to  be  an  original,  whatever 
faults  it  might  have.  However,  this  answerer  produces  three 
instances,  to  prove  this  author's  wit  is  not  his  own,  in  many 
places.  The  first  is,  That  the  names  of  Peter,  Martin,  and 
Jack,  are  borrowed  from  a  letter  of  the  late  Duke  of  Buck- 
ingham. Whatever  wit  is  contained  in  these  three  names, 
the  author  is  content  to  give  it  up,  and  desires  his  readers 
will  subtract  as  much  as  they  placed  upon  that  account ; 
at  the  same  time  protesting  solemnly,  that  he  never  once 
heard  of  that  letter,  except  in  this  passage  of  the  answerer  : 
so  that  the  names  were  not  borrowed,  as  he  affirms,  though 
they  should  happen  to  be  the  same :  which,  however,  is 
odd  enough,  and  what  he  hardly  believes :  that  of  Jack 
not  being  quite  so  obvious  as  the  other  two.  The  second 
instance  to  show  the  author's  wit  is  not  his  own  is,  Peter's 
banter,  (as  he  calls  it,  in  his  Alsatia  phrase)  upon  transub- 
stantiation,  which  is  taken  from  the  same  Duke's  conference 
with  an  Irish  priest,  where  a  cork  is  turned  into  a  horse. 


AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR.  Xi 

This  the  author  confesses  to  have  seen,  about  ten  years 
after  this  book  was  written,  and  a  year  or  two  after  it  was 
published.  Nay,  the  answerer  overthrows  this  himself: 
for  he  allows  the  tale  was  written,  in  1697  ;  and  I  think 
the  pamphlet  was  not  printed  in  many  years  after.  Jt  was 
necessary  that  corruption  should  have  some  allegory,  as 
well  as  the  rest ;  and  the  author  invented  the  properest  he 
could,  without  enquiring  what  other  people  had  written ; 
and  the  commonest  reader  will  find  there  is  not  the  least 
resemblance  between  the  two  stories. 

The  third  instance  is  in  these  words : — "  I  have  been 
assured,  that  the  battle  in  St.  James's  library  is,  mutatis 
mutandis,  taken  out  of  a  French  book,  intitled,  Combat  des 
Livres,  if  I  misremember  not."  In  which  passage  there 
are  two  clauses  observable  : — "  I  have  been  assured,"  and, 
"  if  I  misremember  not." — I  desire  first  to  know,  whether, 
if  that  conjecture  proves  an  utter  falsehood,  those  two  clau- 
ses will  be  a  sufficient  excuse  for  this  worthy  critic.  The 
matter  is  a  trifle ;  but  would  he  venture  to  pronounce  at 
this  rate  upon  one  of  greater  moment  ?  I  know  nothing 
more  contemptible  in  a  writer  than  the  character  of  a 
Plagiary,  which  he  here  fixes  at  a  venture ;  and  not  for  a 
passage,  but  a  whole  Discourse  taken  out  from  anothei 
book,  only  mutatis  mutandis.  The  author  is  as  much  in 
the  dark  about  this  as  the  answerer ;  and  will  imitate  him 
by  an  affirmation  at  random — that,  if  there  be  a  word  of 
truth  in  this  reflexion,  he  is  a  paltry,  imitating  pedant,  and 
the  answerer  is  a  person  of  wit,  manners  and  truth.  He 
takes  his  boldness,  from  never  having  seen  any  such  Trea- 
tise in  his  life,  nor  heard  of  it  before ;  and  he  is  sure  it  is 
impossible  for  two  writers,  of  different  times  and  countries, 
to  agree  in  their  thoughts  after  such  a  manner,  that  two 
continued  Discourses  shall  be  the  same,  only  mutatis 
mutandis.  Neither  will  he  insist  upoa  the  mistake  in  the 
title  ;  but  let  the  answerer  and  his  friend  produce  any  book 
they  please,  he  defies  them  to  show  one  single  particular, 
where  the  judicious  reader  will  affirm  he  has  been  obliged 
for  the  smallest  hint ;  giving  only  allowance  for  the  acci- 
dental encountering  of  a  single  thought,  which  he  knows 
may  sometimes  happen ;  though  he  has  never  yet  found  it 


3..1  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR. 

in  that  discourse,  nor  has  heard  it  objected  by  any  body 
else. 

So  that  if  ever  any  design  was  unfortunately  executed, 
it  must  be  that  of  this  answerer ;  who,  when  he  would  have 
it  observed,  that  the  author's  wit  is  not  his  own,  is  able  to 
produce  but  three  instances,  two  of  them  mere  trifles,  and 
all  three  manifestly  false.  If  this  be  the  way  these  gentlemen 
deal  with  the  world,  in  those  criticisms,  where  we  have  not 
leisure  to  defeat  them,  their  readers  had  need  be  cautious 
how  they  rely  upon  their  credit ;  and  whether  this  proceed- 
ing can  be  reconciled  to  humanity  or  truth,  .et  those,  who 
thing  it  worth  their  while,  determine. 

It  is  agreed,  this  answerer  would  have  succeeded  much 
better,  if  he  had  stuck  wholly  to  his  business  as  a  commen- 
tator upon  the  Tale  of  a  Tub  ;  wherein  it  cannot  be  denied, 
that  he  hath  been  of  some  service  to  the  public,  and  has 
given  very  fair  conjectures  towards  clearing  up  some  difficult 
passages.  But  it  is  the  frequent  error  of  those  men,  (other- 
wise very  commendable  for  their  labours,)  to  make  excur- 
sions beyond  their  talent  and  their  office,  by  pretending  to 
point  out  the  beauties  and  the  faults  ;  which  is  no  part  of 
their  trade,  which  they  always  fail  in,  which  the  world 
never  expected  from  them,  nor  gave  them  any  thanks  for 
endeavouring  at.  The  part  of  Minellius,  or  Farnaby,* 
would  have  fallen  in  with  his  genius,  and  might  have  been 
serviceable  to  many  readers,  who  cannot  enter  into  the 
abstruser  parts  of  that  discourse.  But  optat  ephippia  bos 
piger  ;  the  dull,  unwieldy,  ill-shaped  ox  would  needs  put 
on  the  furniture  of  a  horse  ;  not  considering  he  was  born 
to  labour,  to  plow  the  ground  for  the  sake  of  superior  be- 
ings ;  and  that  he  has  neither  the  shape,  mettle,  nor  speed 
of  that  noble  animal  he  would  affect  to  personate. 

It  is  another  pattern  of  this  answerer's  fair  dealing  to 
give  us  hints  that  the  author  is  dead,  and  yet  to  lay  the 
suspicion  upon  somebody,  I  know  not  who,  in  the  country 
To  which  can  be  only  returned,  that  he  is  absolutely  mis- 
taken in  all  his  conjectures ;  and  surely  conjectures  are  at 

*  Low  commentators,  who  wrote  notes  upon  classic  authors  loj 
vhe  use  of  school  bovs. 


AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR.  Xlll 

best  too  light  a  pretence  to  allow  a  man  to  assign  a  name 
in  public.  He  condemns  a  book,  and  consequently  the 
author,  of  whom  he  is  utterly  ignorant ;  yet  at  the  same 
time  fixes  in  print,  what  he  thinks  a  disadvantageous 
character  upon  those  who  never  deserve  it.  A  man,  who 
receives  a  buffet  in  the  dark,  may  be  allowed  to  be  vexed  ; 
but  it  is  an  odd  kind  of  revenge,  to  go  to  cuffs  in  broad 
day  with  the  first  he  meets,  and  lay  the  last  night's  injury 
at  his  door.  And  thus  much  for  this  discreet,  candid,  pious, 
and  ingenious  answerer. 

How  the  author  came  to  be  without  his  papers,  is  a  story 
not  proper  to  be  told,  and  of  very  little  use,  being  a  private 
fact,  of  which  the  reader  would  believe  as  little,  or  as  much 
as  he  thought  good.  He  had  however  a  blotted  copy  by 
him,  which  he  intended  to  have  written  over,  wkh  many 
alterations ;  and  this  the  publishers  were  well  aware  of, 
having  put  it  into  the  bookseller's  preface,  that  they  appre- 
hended a  surreptitious  copy  which  was  to  be  altered,  &.c. 
This,  though  not  regarded  by  readers,  was  a  real  truth ; 
only  the  surreptitious  copy  was  rather  that  which  was 
printed  ;  and  they  made  all  the  haste  they  could,  which 
indeed  was  needless  ;  the  author  not  being  at  all  prepared. 
But  he  has  been  told,  the  bookseller  was  in  much  pain, 
having  given  a  good  sum  of  money  for  the  copy. 

In  the  author's  original  copy  there  were  not  so  many 
chasms  as  appear  in  the  book ;  and  why  some  of  them 
were  left,  he  knows  not.  Had  the  publication  been  trusted 
to  him,  he  should  have  made  several  corrections  of  passages 
against  which  nothing  hath  been  ever  objected.  He  should 
likewise  have  altered  a  few  of  those  that  seem  with  any 
reason  to  be  excepted  against ;  but,  to  deal  freely,  the 
greatest  number  he  should  have  left  untouched,  as  never 
suspecting  it  possible  any  wrong  interpretations  could  be 
made  of  them. 

The  author  observes,  at  the  end  of  the  book,  there  is  a 
discourse  called,  A  Fragment;  which  he  more  wondered 
to  see  in  print  than  all  the  rest  j  having  been  a  most  im- 
perfect sketch,  with  the  addition  of  a  few  loose  hints,  which 
he  once  lent  a  gentleman  who  had  designed  a  discourse  of 
somewhat  the  same  subject :  he  never  thought  of  it  after- 
B 


XIV  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR. 

wards  ;  and  it  was  a  sufficient  surprise  to  see  it  pieced  up 
together,  wholly  out  of  the  method  and  scheme  he  had 
intended ;  for  it  was  the  groundwork  of  a  much  larger  dis- 
course, and  he  was  sorry  to  observe  the  materials  so  fool- 
ishly employed. 

There  is  one  farther  objection  made  by  those  who  have 
answered  this  book,  as  well  as  by  some  others,  that  Peter 
is  frequently  made  to  repeat  oaths  and  curses.  Every 
reader  observes  it  was  necessary  to  know  that  Peter  did 
swear  and  curse.  The  oaths  are  not  printed  out,  but  only 
supposed  ;  and  the  idea  of  an  oath  is  not  immoral,  like  the 
idea  of  a  profane  or  immodest  speech.  A  man  may  laugh 
at  the  Popish  folly  of  cursing  people  to  hell,  and  imagine 
them  swearing  without  any  crime ;  but  lewd  words,  or 
dangerous  opinions,  though  printed  by  halves,  fill  the 
reader's  mind  with  ill  ideas ;  and  of  these  the  author  can- 
not be  accused.  For  the  judicious  reader  will  find,  that 
the  severest  strokes  of  satire  in  his  book  are  levelled 
against  the  modern  custom  of  employing  wit  upon  those 
topics  ;  of  which  there  are  many  remarkable  instances  in 
different  parts  of  this  work,  and  perhaps  once  or  twice 
expressed  in  too  free  a  manner,  excusable  only  for  the 
reasons  already  alleged.  Some  overtures  have  been  made, 
by  a  third  hand,  to  the  bookseller,  for  the  author's  altering 
those  passages  which  he  thought  might  require  it.  But  it 
seems  the  bookseller  will  not  hear  of  any  such  thing,  being 
apprehensive  it  anight  spoil  the  sale  of  the  book. 

The  author  cannot  conclude  this  Apology,  without 
making  this  one  reflection,  That,  as  wit  is  the  noblest  and 
most  useful  gift  of  human  nature,  so  humour  is  the  most 
agreeable;  and  where  these  two  enter  far  into  the  compo- 
sition of  any  work,  they  will  render  it  always  acceptable 
to  the  world.  Now,  the  great  part  of  those  who  have  no 
share  or  taste  of  either,  but  by  their  pride,  pedantry  and 
ill  manners,  lay  themselves  bare  to  the  lashes  of  both,  think 
the  blow  is  weak,  because  they  are  insensible ;  and  where 
wit  hath  any  mixture  of  raillery,  it  is  but  calling  it  banter, 
and  the  work  is  done.  This  polite  word  of  theirs  was  first 
borrowed  from  the  bullies  in  White  Friars,  then  fell  among 
the  footmen,  and  at  last  retired  to  the  pedants ;  by  whom 


AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR.  XT 

it  is  applied  as  properly  to  the  productions  of  wit,  as  if  I 
should  apply  it  to  Sir  Isaac  Newton's  mathematics.  But 
if  this  bantering,  as  they  call  it,  be  so  despicable  a  thing, 
whence  comes  it  to  pass  they  have  such  a  perpetual  itch 
towards  it  themselves  ?  To  instance  only  in  the  answerer 
already  mentioned ;  it  is  grievous  to  see  him  in  some  of 
his  writings  at  every  turn  going  out  of  his  way  to  be  wag- 
gish, to  tell  us  of  "  a  cow  that  pricked  up  her  tail ;"  and 
in  his  answer  to  this  discourse,  he  says,  "  it  is  all  a  farce 
and  a  ladle  ;"  with  other  passages  equally  shining.  One 
may  say  of  these  impedimenta  literarum,  that  wit  ewes 
them  a  shame;  and  they  cannot  take  wiser  counsel,  than 
to  keep  out  of  harm's  way,  or  at  least  not  to  come  till  they 
are  sure  they  are  called. 

To  conclude  with  those  allowances  above  required  this 
book  should  be  read  ;  after  which  the  author  conceives, 
few  things  will  remain,  which  may  not  be  excused  in  a 
young  writer.  He  wrote  only  to  the  men  of  wit  and  taste; 
and  he  thinks  he  is  not  mistaken  in  his  accounts,  when  he 
says  they  have  been  all  of  his  side,  enough  to  give  him  the 
vanity  of  telling  his  name ;  wherein  the  world,  with  all  its 
wise  conjectures,  is  yet  very  much  in  the  dark  :  which 
circumstance  is  no  disagreeable  amusement,  either  to  the 
public  or  himself. 

The  author  is  informed,  that  the  bookseller  has  prevailed 
on  several  gentlemen,  to  write  some  explanatory  notes,* 
for  the  goodness  of  which  he  is  not  to  answer;  having 
never  seen  any  of  them,  nor  intends  it,  till  they  appear  in 
print;  when  it  is  not  unlikely  he  may  have  the  pleasure 
to  find  twenty  meanings  which  never  entered  into  his 
imagination. 

June  3,  1709. 

#  N.  B.  The  notes  enclosed  thus  [  ] ,  were  in  the  edition* 
printed  befo.'e  the  publication  of  this  apology. 


XVI  AN  APOLOGY  FOR  THE  AUTHOR 


POSTSCRIPT. 

SINCE  the  writing  of  this,  which  was  about  a  year  ago ;  a 
prostitute  bookseller  hath  published  a  foolish  paper  under  the 
name  of  Notes  on  the  Tale  of  a  Tub,  with  some  account  of  the 
author;  and  with  an  insolence,  which,  I  suppose  is  punish- 
able by  law,  hath  presumed  to  assign  certain  names.  It  will 
be  enough  for  the  author  to  assure  the  world,  that  the  writer 
of  that  paper  is  utterly  wrong  in  all  his  conjectures  upon  that 
affair.  The  author  farther  asserts,  that  the  whole  work  is 
entirely  of  one  hand;  which  every  reader  of  judgment  will 
easily  discover.  The  gentleman  who  gave  the  copy  to  the 
bookseller,  being  a  friend  of  the  author,  and  using  no  liberties 
besides  that  of  expunging  certain  passages,  where  now  the 
chasms  appear  under  the  name  of  Desiderata.  But  if  any 
person  will  prove  his  claim  to  three  lines  in  the  whole  book, 
let  him  step  forth,  and  tell  his  name  and  titles;  upon  which 
the  bookseller  shall  have  orders  to  prefix  them  to  the  next 
edition,  and  the  claimant  shall  from  henceforth  be  acknowl- 
edged the  undisputed  author. 


TO 
THE  RIGHT  HONOURABLE 

JOHN    LORD    SOMERS. 

MY  LORD, 

THOUGH  the  author  has  written  a  large  dedication,  yet 
that  being  addressed  to  a  Prince,  whom  I  am  never  likely 
to  have  the  honour  of  being  known  to ;  a  person,  besides, 
as  far  as  I  can  observe,  not  at  all  regarded,  or  thought  on  by 
any  of  our  present  writers  ;  and  being  wholly  free  from  that 
slavery  which  booksellers  usually  lie  under  to  the  caprices  of 
authors  ;  I  think  it  a  wise  piece  of  presumption,  to  inscribe 
these  papers  to  your  Lordship,  and  to  implore  your  Lord- 
ship's protection  of  them.  God,  and  your  Lordship,  know 
their  faults  and  their  merits :  for  as  to  my  own  particular, 
I  am  altogether  a  stranger  to  the  matter  ;  and  though  every 
body  else  should  be  equally  ignorant,  I  do  not  fear  the  sale 
of  the  book  at  all  the  worse  upon  that  score.  Your  Lord- 
ship's name  on  the  front,  in  capital  letters,  will  at  any  time 
get  off  one  edition.  Neither  would  I  desire  any  other  help 
to  grow  an  alderman,  than  a  patent  for  the  sole  privilege 
of  dedicating  to  your  Lordship. 

I  should  now,  in  right  of  a  dedicator,  give  your  Lordship 
a  list  of  your  own  virtues,  and  at  the  same  time  be  very 
unwilling  to  offend  your  modesty  ;  but  chiefly  I  should 
celebrate  your  liberality  towards  men  of  great  parts  and 
small  fortunes,  and  give  you  broad  hints  that  I  mean  myself. 
And  I  was  just  going  on  in  the  usual  method,  to  peruse  a 
hundred  or  two  of  dedications,  and  transcribe  an  abstract, 
to  be  applied  to  your  Lordship  ;  but 'I  was  diverted  by  a 
certain  accident.  For,  upon  the  covers  of  these  papers,  1 
casually  observed  written  in  large  letters,  the  two  following 
words,  DETUR  DIGNISSIMO;  which,  for  ought  I  knew, 
might  contain  some  important  meaning.  But  it  unluckily 
fell  out,  that  none  of  the  authors  I  employ  understood 
Latin ;  (though  1  have  them  often  in  pay,  to  translate  out 
of  that  language.)  I  was  therefore  compelled  to  have  re- 
course to  the  curate  of  our  parish,  who  Englished  it  thus, 
B  2  xvii 


DEDICATION. 

• 

•<  Let  it  be  given  to  the  worthiest."  And  his  comment  was 
that  the  author  meant  his  work  should  be  dedicated  to  the 
sublimest  genius  of  the  age,  for  wit,  learning,  judgment, 
eloquence,  and  wisdom.  I  called  at  a  poet's  chamber  (who 
works  for  my  shop)  in  an  alley  hard  by,  showed  him  the 
translation,  and  desired  his  opinion,  who  it  was  that  the 
author  could  mean.  He  told  me,  after  some  consideration, 
that  vanity  was  a  thing  he  abhorred  ;  but,  by  the  description, 
he  thought  himself  to  be  the  person  aimed  at ;  and  at  the 
same  time  he  very  kindly  offered  his  own  assistance  gratis, 
towards  penning  a  dedication  to  himself.  I  desired  him, 
however,  to  give  a  second  guess.  Why  then,  said  he,  it 
must  be  I,  or  my  Lord  Somers.  .From  thence  I  went  to 
several  other  wits  of  my  acquaintance,  with  no  small  hazard 
and  weariness  to  my  person,  from  a  prodigious  number  of 
dark  winding  stairs  ;  but  found  them  all  in  the  same  story, 
both  of  your  Lordship  and  themselves.  Now,  your  Lord- 
ship is  to  understand,  that  this  proceeding  was  not  of  my 
own  invention  ;  for,  I  have  somewhere  heard,  it  is  a  maxim, 
That  those,  to  whom  every  body  allows  the  second  place, 
have  an  undoubted  title  to  the  first. 

This  infallibly  convinced  me,  that  your  Lordship  was 
the  person  intended  by  the  author.  But,  being  very  un- 
acquainted in  the  style  and  form  of  dedications,  I  employed 
those  wits  aforesaid,  to  furnish  me  with  hints  and  materials 
towards  a  panegyric  upon  your  Lordship's  virtues. 

In  two  days  they  brought  me  ten  sheets  of  paper,  filled 
up-on  every  side.  They  swore  to  me,  that  they  had 
ransacked  whatever  could  be  found  in  the  characters  of 
Socrates,  Aristides,  Epaminondas,  Cato,  Tully,  Atticus, 
and  other  hard  names  which  I  cannot  now  recollect. 
However,  I  have  reason  to  believe,  they  imposed  upon  my 
ignorance ;  because  when  I  came  to  read  over  their  collec- 
tions, there  was  not  a  syllable  there  but  what  1  and  every 
body  else  knew  as  well  as  themselves.  Therefore  I  griev- 
ously suspect  a  cheat ;  and  that  these  authors  of  mine  stole 
and  transcribed  every  word  from  the  universal  report  of 
mankind.  So  that  I  look  upon  myself  as  fifty  shillings 
out  of  pocket,  to  no  manner  of  purpose. 

If  by  altering1  the  title,  I  could  make  the  same  mater'als 


DEDICATION.  XIX 

serve  lor  another  dedication,  (as  my  betters  have  done,)  it 
would  help  to  make  up  my  loss  :  but  I  have  made  several 
persons  dip  here  and  there  in  those  papers  ;  and  before  they 
read  three  lines,  they  have  all  assured  me  plainly,  that  they 
cannot  possibly  be  applied  to  any  person  besides  your 
Lordship. 

1  expected  indeed  to  have  heard  of  your  Lordship's 
bravery,  at  the  head  of  an  army  :  of  your  undaunted  cour- 
age, in  mounting  a  breach,  or  scaling  a  wall ;  or  to  have 
had  your  pedigree  traced  in  a  lineal  descent  from  the  house 
of  Austria;  or  of  your  wonderful  talent  at  dress  and  danc- 
ing ;  or  your  profound  knowledge  in  Algebra,  Metaphysics, 
and  the  Oriental  tongues.  But  to  ply  the  world  with  an 
old  beaten  story  of  your  wit,  and  eloquence,  and  learning, 
and  wisdom,  and  justice,  and  politeness,  and  candour,  and 
evenness  of  temper  in  all  the  scenes  of  life ;  of  that  great 
discernment  in  discovering,  and  readiness  in  favouring 
deserving  men ;  with  forty  other  common  topics  ;  1  confess 
I  have  neither  conscience  nor  countenance  to  do  it :  because 
there  is  no  virtue,  either  of  a  public  or  private  life,  which 
some  circumstances  of  your  own  have  not  often  produced 
upon  the  stage  of  the  world  ;  and  those  few  which,  for 
want  of  occasions  to  exert  them,  might  otherwise  have 
passed  unseen  or  unobserved  by  your  friends,  your*  enemies 
have  at  length  brought  to  light. 

It  is  true,  I  should  be  very  loth,  the  bright  example  of 
your  Lordship's  virtues  should  be  lost  to  after  ages,  both 
for  their  sake  and  your  own  ;  but  chiefly  because  they  will 
be  so  very  necessary  to  adorn  the  history  of  a  latef  reign : 
and  that  is  another  reason  why  I  would  forbear  to  make  a 
recital  of  them  here ;  because  I  have  been  told  by  wise 
men,  that  as  dedications  have  run  for  some  years  past,  a 
good  historian  will  not  be  apt  to  have  recourse  thither,  in 
search  of  characters. 

*  In  1701  Lord  Somers  was  impeached  by  the  Commons,  who 
either  finding  their  proofs  defective,  or  for  other  reasons,  delayed 
coming  to  a  trial,  and  the  Lords  thereupon  proceeded  to  the  trial 
without  them,  and  acquitted  him. 

t  King  William,  whose  memory  he  defended  in  the  House  of 
Lords  against  some  invidious  reflections  of  the  earl  of  Nottingham. 


XX  DEDICATION. 

There  is  one  point  wherein  I  think  we  dedicators  would 
do  well  to  change  our  measures  ;  I  mean,  instead  of  running 
on  so  far  upon  the  praise  of  our  patron's  liberality,  to  spend 
a  word  or  two  in  admiring  their  patience.  I  can  put  no 
greater  compliment  on  your  Lordship's,  than  by  giving  you 
so  ample  an  occasion  to  exercise  it  at  present.  Though, 
perhaps,  I  shall  not  be  apt  to  reckon  much  merit  to  your 
Lordship  upon  that  score,  who  having  been  formerly  used 
to  tedious  harangues,*  and  sometimes  to  as  little  purpose, 
will  be  the  readier  to  pardon  this ;  especially,  when  it  is 
offered  by  one,  who  is,  with  all  respect  and  veneration, 
My  Lord, 

Your  Lordship's  most  obedient 

and  most  faithful  servant, 

THE  BOOKSELLER. 


*  Sir  John  Somers  was  Attorney-General;  tlien  made  Lord 
Keeper  of  the  Seals,  in  1692,  and  Lord  High  Chancellor  and 
Baron  of  Eveaham,  in  April  1697. 


THE 
BOOKSELLER  TO  THE  READER. 

IT  is  now*  six  years  since  these  papers  came  first  to  my 
hand,  which  seems  to  have  been  about  a  twelvemonth  after 
they  were  written.  For  the  author  tells  us,  in  his  preface 
to  the  first  Treatise,  that  he  hath  calculated  it  for  the  year 
1697,  and  in  several  passages  of  that  discourse,  as  well  as 
the  second,  it  appears  they  were  written  about  that  time. 

As  to  the  author,  I  can  give  no  manner  of  satisfaction 
However,  I  am  credibly  informed  that  this  publication  is 
without  his  knowledge  ;  for  he  concludes  the  copy  is  lost, 
having  lent  it  to  a  person  since  dead,  and  being  never  in 
possession  of  it  after.  So  that  whether  the  work  received 
his  last  hand,  or  whether  he  intended  to  fill  up  the  defective 
places,  is  like  to  remain  a  secret. 

If  I  should  go  about  to  tell  the  reader,  by  what  accident 
I  became  master  of  these  papers,  it  would,  in  this  unbeliev- 
ing age,  pass  for  little  more  than  the  cant  or  jargon  of  the 
trade.  I  therefore  gladly  spare  both  him  and  myself  so 
unnecessary  a  trouble.  There  yet  remains  a  difficult  ques- 
tion, Why  I  published  them  no  sooner  ?  I  forbore  upon 
two  accounts  :  First,  because  I  thought  I  had  better  work 
upon  my  hands  ;  and,  secondly,  because  I  was  not  without 
some  hope  of  hearing  from  the  author,  and  receiving  his 
directions.  But,  I  have  been  lately  alarmed  with  intelli- 
gence of  a  surreptitious  copy,"]"  which  a  certain  great  wit 
had  now  polished  and  refined ;  or,  as  our  present  writers 
express  themselves,  fitted  to  the  humour  of  the  age ;  as 
they  have  already  done,  with  great  felicity,  to  Don  Quix- 
otte,  Boccalini,  La  Bruyere,  and  other  authors.  However, 
I  thought  it  fairer  dealing  to  offer  the  whole  work  in  its 
naturals.  If  any  gentleman  will  please  to  furnish  me  with 
a  key,  in  order  to  explain  the  more  difficult  parts,  I  shall 
very  gratefully  acknowledge  the  favour,  and  print  it  by 
itself. 

*  The  Tale  of  a  Tub  was  first  published  in  1704. 
t  See  the  Apology. 

xxi 


THE 

EPISTLE  DEDICATORY, 

TO  HIS  ROYAL  HIGHNESS 

PRINCE  POSTERITY. 

SIB, — I  here  present  your  Highness  with  the  fruits  of  a 
very  few  leisure-hours,  stolen  from  the  short  intervals  of  a 
world  of  business,  and  of  an  employment  quite  alien  from 
such  amusements  as  this  ;  the  poor  production  of  that  refuse 
of  time  which  has  lain  heavy  upon  my  hands,  during  a  long 
prorogation  of  parliament,  a  great  dearth  of  foreign  news, 
and  a  tedious  fit  of  rainy  weather.  For  which  and  other 
reasons,  it  cannot  chose  extremely  to  deserve  such  a  patron- 
age as  that  of  your  Highness,  whose  numberless  virtues,  in 
.so  few  years,  make  the  world  look  upon  you  as  the  future 
exSttrpflU  to  all  Princes.  For  although  your  Highness  is 
hardly  got  clear  of  infancy,  yet  has  the  universal  learned 
world  already  resolved  upon  appealing  to  your  future  dic- 
tates with  the  lowest  and  most  resigned  submission  ;  fate 
having  decreed  you  sol?  arbiter  of  the  productions  of  human 
wit,  in  this  polite  and  most  accomplished  age.  Methinks, 
the  number  of  appellants  were  enough  to  shock  and  startle 
any  judge  of  a  genius  less  unlimited  than  your's.  But,  in 
order  to  prevent  such  glorious  trials,  the  person,  it  seems, 
to  whose  care  the  education  of  your  Highnrss  is  committed, 
has  resolved,  as  I  am  told,  to  keep  you  in  almost  an  uni- 
versal ignorance  of  our  studies,  which  it  is  your  inherent 
Duthright  to  inspect. 

NOTE. — The  citation  out  of  Irenceus  in  the  title-page,  which 
seems  to  be  all  gibberish,  is  a  form  of  initiation  used  anciently  by 
the  Marcosian  heretics. — W.  Wotton. 

It  is  the  usual  style  of  decried  writer",  to  appeal  to  Posterity, 
who  is  here  represented  as  a  Prince  in  his  nonage,  and  Time  as 
his  governor ;  and  the  author  begins  in  a  way  very  frequeiit 
with  him,  by  personating  other  writers,  who  sometimes  offer  such 
reasons  and  excuses  for  publishing  their  works,  as  they  oixghf 
thiefly  to  conceal,  and  be  ashamed  of. 

xxii 


DEDICATION.  XXlll 

It  is  amazing  to  me,  that  this  person  should  have  assu- 
rance, in  the  face  of  the  sun,  to  go  about  persuading  your 
Highness,  that  our  age  is  almost  wholly  illiterate,  and  has 
hardly  produced  one  writer  upon  any  subject.  I  know 
very  well,  that  when  your  Highness  shall  come  to  riper 
years,  and  have  gone  through  the  learning  of  antiquity,  you 
will  be  too  curious  to  neglect  inquiring  into  the  authors 
of  the  very  age  before  you.  And  to  think  that  this  insolent, 
in  the  account  he  is  preparing  for  your  view,  designs  to 
reduce  them  to  a  number  so  insignificant  as  I  am  ashamed 
to  mention  ;  it  moves  my  zeal  and  my  spleen  for  the  hon- 
our and  interest  of  our  vast  flourishing  body,  as  well  as 
of  myself,  for  whom  I  know,  by  long  experience,  he  has 
professed  and  still  continues  a  peculiar  malice. 

It  is  not  unlikely,  that  when  your  Highness  will  one 
day  peruse  what  I  am  now  writing,  you  may  be  ready  to 
expostulate  with  your  governor  upon  the  credit  of  what  I 
here  affirm,  and  command  him  to  show  you  some  of  our 
productions.  To  which  he  will  answer,  (for  I  am  wiell 
informed  of  his  designs,)  by  asking  your  Highness,  Where 
they  are  ?  and  What  is  become  of  them  ?  and  pretend  it  a 
demonstration  that  there  never  were  any,  because  they  are 
not  then  to  be  found.  Not  to  be  found !  who  has  mislaid 
them  ?  Are  they  sunk  in  the  abyss  of  things  ?  It  is  certain, 
that  in  their  own.  nature  they  were  light  enough  to  swim 
upon  the  surface  for  all  eternity.  Therefore  the  fault  is  in 
him,  who  tied  weights  so  heavy  to  their  heels,  as  to  depress 
them  to  the  centre.  Is  their  very  essence  destroyed  ?  Who 
has  annihilated  them  ?  Were  they  drowned  by  purges,  or 
martyred  by  pipes  ?  Who  administered  them  to  the  poste- 
riors, of ?  But,  that  it  may  no  longer  be  a  doubt 

with  your  Highness,  who  is  to  be  the  author  of  this  uni- 
versal ruin,  I  beseech  you  to  observe  that  large  and  terrible 
scythe,  which  your  governor  affects  to  bear  continually 
about  him ;  he  pleased  to  remark  the  length  and  strength, 
the  sharpness  and  hardness  of  his  nails  and  teeth  ;  consider 
his  baneful,  abominable  breath,  enemy  to  life  and  matter, 
infectious  and  corrupting;  and  then  reflect  whether  it  be 
possible  for  any  mortal  ink  and  paper  of  this  generation  to 
make  a  suitable  resistance.  Oh  hat  your  Highness  would 


XXIV  DEDICATION. 

one  day  resolve  to  disarm  this  usurping  Maitre  du  palais* 
of  his  furious  engines,  and  bring  your  empire  hors  de  page.f 

It  were  endless  to  recount  the  several  methods  of  tyranny 
and  destruction  which  your  governor  is  pleased  to  practise 
upon  this  occasion.  His  inveterate  malice  is  such  to  the 
writings  of  our  age,  that  of  several  thousands  produced 
yearly  from  this  renowned  city,  before  the  next  revolution 
of  the  sun,  there  is  not  one  to  be  heard  of.  Unhappy  in- 
fants !  many  of  them  barbarously  destroyed,  before  they 
have  so  much  as  learned  their  mother-tongue  to  beg  foi 
pity.  Some  ne  stifles  in  their  cradles;  othws  he  frights 
into  convulsions,  whereof  they  suddenly  die ;  some  he 
flays  alive;  others  he  tears  limb  from  limb  :  great  numbers 
are  offered  to  Moloch ;  and  the  rest,  tainted  by  his  breath, 
die  of  a  languishing  consumption. 

But  the  concern  I  have  most  at  heart,  is  for  our  corpora- 
tion of  poets  ;  from  whom  I  am  preparing  a  petition  to  youv 
Highness,  to  be  subscribed  with  the  names  of  one  hundred 
and  thirty-six  of  the  first  rate  ;  but  whose  immortal  produc- 
tions are  never  likely  to  reach  your  eyes,  though  each  olt 
them  is  ho  .van  humble  and  an  earnest  appellant  for  the  laurel, 
and  has  large  comely  volumes  ready  to  show  for  a  suppori 
to  his  pretensions.  The  never-dying  works  of  these  illus- 
trious persons,  your  governor,  Sir,  has  devoted  to  unavoid- 
able death  ;  and  your  Highness  is  to  bejnade  believe,  that 
our  age  has  never  arrived  at  the  honour  to  produce  one 
single  poet. 

We  confess  immortality  to  be  a  great  and  powerful 
goddess  :  but  in  vain  we  offer  up  to  her  our  devotions  and 
our  sacrifices,  if  your  Highness's  governor,  who  has  usurped 
the  priesthood,  must,  by  an  unparalleled  ambition  and  ava- 
rice, whoHy  intercept  and  devour  them. 

To  affirm  that  our  age  is  altogether  unlearned,  and  de- 
void of  writers  of  any  kind,  seems  to  be  an  assertion  so 

#  Comptroller.  The  kingdom  of  France  had  a  race  of  kings, 
which  they  call  les  roys  faineaus,  (from  their  doing  nothing)  who 
lived  lazily  in  their  apartments  while  the  kingdom  was  adminis- 
tered by  the  Mayor  de  palais,  till  Charles  Martel,  the  last  mayor,  put 
bis  master  to  death,  and  took  his  kingdom  into  his  awn  Land. 

t  Out  of  guardianship. 


DEDICATION.  XXV 

bold  and  so  false,  that  I  have  been  some  time  thinking  the 
contrary  may  almost  be  proved  by  uncontrollable  demon- 
stration. It  is  true  indeed,  that  although  their  numbers  be 
vast,  and  their  productions  numerous  in  proportion;  yet 
are  they  hurried  so  hastily  off  the  scene,  that  they  escape 
our  memory,  and  delude  our  sight.  When  I  first  thought 
of  this  address,  I  had  prepared  a  copious  list  of  titles  to 
present  your  Highness,  as  an  undisputed  argument  for  what 
I  affirm.  The  originals  were  posted  fresh  upon  all  gates 
and  corners  of  streets;  but,  returning  in  a  very  few  hours 
to  take  a  review,  they  were  all  torn  down,  and  fresh  ones 
in  their  places.  I  enquired  after  them  among  readers  and 
booksellers:  but  I  enquired  in  vain;  the  memorial  of  them 
was  lost  among  men,  their  place  was  no  more  to  be  found  : 
and  I  was  laughed  to  scorn  for  a  clown  and  a  pedant,  de- 
void of  all  taste  and  refinement,  little  versed  in  the  course 
of  present  affairs;  and  that  knew  nothing  of  what  had 
passed  in  the  best  companies  of  court  and  town.  So  that 
I  can  only  avow  in  general  to  your  Highness,  that  we  do 
abound  in  learning  and  wit;  but  to  fix  upon  particulars,  is 
a  task  too  slippery  for  my  slender  abilities.  If  I  should 
venture  in  a  windy  day  to  affirm  to  your  Highness  that 
there  is  a  large  cloud  near  the  horizon  in  the  form  of  a 
bear,  another  in  the  zenith  with  the  head  of  an  ass,  a  third 
to  the  westward  with  claws  like  a  dragon;  and  your  High- 
ness should  in  a  few  minutes  think  fit  to  examine  the  truth; 
it  is  certain  they  would  be  all  changed  in  figure  and  posi- 
tion; new  ones  would  arise;  and  all  we  could  agree  upon, 
would  be,  that  clouds  there  were,  but  that  I  was  grossly 
mistaken  in  the  zoography  and  topography  of  them. 

But  your  governor  perhaps  may  still  insist,  and  put  the 
question,  What  is  then  become  of  those  immense  bales  of 
paper,  which  must  needs  have  been  employed  in  such 
numbers  of  books?  Can  these  also  be  wholly  annihilate, 
and  so  of  a  sudden,  as  I  pretend?  What  shall  I  say  in  re- 
turn of  so  invidious  an  objection  ?  It  ill  befits  the  distance 
oetween  your  Highness  and  me,  to  send  you  for  ocular 
conviction  to  a  jakes,  or  an  oven;  to  the  windows  of  a 
oawdy-house,  or  to  a  sordid  lanthorn.  Books,  like  men 
heir  authors,  have  no  more  than  one  way  of  coming  into 
C 


t 

WtVl  DEDICATION. 

the  world ;  but  there  are  ten  thousand  to  go  out  of  it,  and 
return  no  more. 

I  profess  to  your  Highness,  in  the  integrity  of  my  heart, 
that  what  I  am  going  to  say  is  literally  true  this  minute  I 
am  writing.  What  revolutions  may  happen  before  it  shall 
be  ready  for  your  perusal,  I  can  by  no  means  warrant. 
However,  I  beg  you  to  accept  it  as  a  specimen  of  our  learn- 
ing, our  politeness,  and  our  wit.  I  do  therefore  affirm, 
upon  the  word  of  a  sincere  man,  that  there  is  now  actually 
in  being  a  certain  poet,  called  John  Dryden,  whose  trans- 
lation of  Virgil  was  lately  printed  in  a  large  folio,  well 
bound,  and  if  diligent  search  were  made,  for  ought  I  know, 
is  yet  to  be  seen.  There  is  another,  called  Nahum  Tate, 
who  is  ready  to  make  oath,  that  he  has  caused  many  reams 
of  verse  to  be  published,  whereof  both  himself  and  his 
bookseller,  if  lawfully  required,  can  still  produce  authentic 
copies;  and  therefore  wonders  why  the  world  is  pleased  to 
make  such  a  secret  of  it.  There  is  a  third,  known  by  the 
name  of  Tom  Dursey,  a  poet  of  a  vast  comprehension,  an 
universal  genius,  and  most  profound  learning.  There  are 
also  one  Mr.  Rymer,  and  one  Mr.  Dennis,  most  profound 
critics.  There  is  a  person  styled  Dr.  B — nt — y,  who  has 
written  near  a  thousand  pages  of  immense  erudition,  giving 
a  full  and  true  account  of  a  certain  squabble  of  wonderful 
importance  between  himself  and  a  bookseller.*  He  is  a 
writer  of  infinite  wit  and  humour;  no  man  rallies  with  a 
better  grace,  and  in  more  sprightly  turns.  Farther,  I  avow 
to  your  Highness,  that  with  these  eyes,  I  have  beheld  the 
person  of  William  W— tt— n,  B.  D.,  who  has  written  a  good 
sizeable  volume  against  a  friend  of  your  governor!  (from 
whom,  alas!  he  must  therefore  look  for  little  favour)  in  a 
most  gentlemanly  style,  adorned  with  the  utmost  politeness 
and  civility  ;  replete  with  discoveries,  equally  valuable  for 
their  novelty  and  use ;  and  embellished  with  traits  of  wit 


*  Bentley  in  his  controversy  with  Lord  Orrery  upon  the  gener- 
ousness  of  Phalaris's  epistles,  has  given,  in  a  preface,  a  long  ac- 
count of  his  dialogues  with  a  bookseller  about  the  loan  and  rest! 
tution  of  a  MS. 

f  Sir  William  Temple.       * 


DEDICATION.  XXVJ, 

•o  poignant  and  so  apposite,  that  he  is  a  worthy  yokemate 
to  his  forementioned  friend. 

Why  should  I  go  upon  farther  particulars,  which  might 
fill  a  volume,  with  the  just  eulogies  of  my  cotemporary 
brethren  ?  I  shall  bequeath  this  piece  of  justice  to  a  larger 
work  ;  wherein  I  intend  to  write  a  character  of  the  present 
set  of  wits  in  our  nation.  Their  persons  I  shall  describe 
particularly,  and  at  length  ;  their  genius  and  understandings, 
in  miniature. 

In  the  mean  time,  I  do  here  make  bold  to  present  your 
Highness  with  a  faithful  abstract  drawn  from  the  universal 
body  of  all  arts  and  sciences,  intended  wholly  for  your 
service  and  instruction.  Nor  do  I  doubt  in  the  least,  but 
your  Highness  will  peruse  it  as  carefully,  and  make  as  con- 
siderable improvements,  as  other  young  princes  have 
already  done  by  the  many  volumes  of  late  years  written 
for  a  help  to  their  studies.* 

That  your  Highness  may  advance  in  wisdom  and  virtue, 
as  well  as  years,  and  at  last  outshine  all  your  royal  ances- 
tors, shall  be  the  daily  prayer  of, 

Sir, 
December,  Your  Highness's 

1697.  Most  devoted,  &c. 


*  There  are   innumerable   books   printed   for  the  use  of  the 
Dauphin  of  France 


THE 


THE  wits  of  the  present  age  being  so  very  numerous 
and  penetrating,  it  seems,  the  grandees  of  Church  and  State 
begin  to  fall  under  horrible  apprehensions,  lest  these  gen- 
tlemen, during  the  intervals  of  a  long  peace,  should  find 
leisure  to  pick  holes  in  the  weak  sides  of  Religion  and  Go- 
vernment.   To  prevent  which,  there  has  been  much  thought 
employed  of  late,  upon  certain  projects,  for  taking  off  the 
force  and  edge  of  those  formidable  enquirers,  from  canvass- 
ing and  reasoning  upon  such  delicate  points.     They  have 
at  length  fixed* upon  one,  which  will  require  some  time,  as 
well  as  cost,  to  perfect.     Mean  while,  the  danger  hourly 
increasing,  by  new  levies  of  wits,  all  appointed  (as  there  is 
reason  to  fear)  with  pen,  ink,  and  paper,  which  may,  at  an 
hour's  warning,  be  drawn  out  into  pamphlets,  and   other 
offensive  weapons,  ready  for  immediate  execution  :  it  was 
judged  of  absolute  necessity,  that  some  present  expedient  • 
be  thought  on,  till  the  main  design  can  be  brought  to  ma- 
turity.    To  this  end,  at  a  grand  committee,  some  days  ago, 
this  important  discovery  was  made  by  a  certain  curious  and 
refined  observer;  that  seamen  have  a  custom,  when  they 
meet  a  whale,  to  fling  him  out  an  empty  tub,  by  way  of 
amusement,  to  divert  him  from  laying  violent  hands  upon 
the  ship.     This  parable  was  immediately  mythologized. 
The  whale  was   interpreted   to  be  Hobbes's   Leviathan , 
which  tosses  and  plays  with  all  other  schemes  of  religion 
and  government,  whereof  a  great  many  are  hollow,  and 
dry,  and  empty,  and  noisy,  and  wooden,  and. given  to  rota- 
tion.    This  is  the  Leviathan  from  whence  the  terrible  wits 
of  our  age  are  said  to  borrow  their  weapons.     The  ship  in 
danger,  is  easily  understood  to  be  its  old  antitype  the  com- 
monwealth.    But  how  to  analyse  the  tub,  was  a  matter  of 
difficulty;  when,  after  long  enquiry  and  debate,  the  literal 
meaning  was  preserved :  and  it  was  decreed,  that,  in  order 
c  2  xxix 


XXX  PREFACE. 

to  prevent  these  Leviathans  from  tossing  and  sporting  with 
the  commonwealth,  (which  of  itself  is  too  apt  to  fluctuate,) 
they  should  be  diverted  from  that  game  by  a  Tale  of  a 
Tub.  And  my  genius  being  conceived  to  lie  not  unhappily 
that  way,  I  had  the  honour  done  me  to  be  engaged  in  the 
performance. 

This  is  the  sole  design  in  publishing  the  following 
treatise;  which  I  hope  will  serve  for  an  interim  of  some 
months  to  employ  those  unquiet  spirits,  till  the  perfecting 
of  that  great  work,  into  the  secret  of  which,  it  is  reasonable 
the  courteous  reader  should  have  some  little  light. 

It  is  intended,  that  a  large  academy  be  erected,  capable 
of  containing  nine  thousand  seven  hundred  forty  and  three 
persons;  which,  by  modest  computation,  is  reckoned  to  be 
pretty  near  the  current  number  of  wits  in  this  island.  These 
are  to  be  disposed  into  the  several  schools  of  this  academy, 
and  there  pursue  those  studies  to  which  their  genius  most 
inclines  them. 

The  undertaker  himself  will  publish  his  proposals  with 
all  convenient  speed;  to  which  I  shall  refer  the  curious 
reader  for  a  more  particular  account,  mentioning  at  present 
only  a  few  of  the  principal  schools.  There  is  first  a  large 
pederastic  school,  with  French  and  Italian  masters :  there 
is  also  the  spelling  school,  a  very  spacious  building ;  the 
school  of  looking-glasses;  the  school  of  swearing;  the 
school  of  critics;  the  school  of  salivation;  the  school  of 
hobby-horses;  the  school  of  poetry;  the  school  of  tops;* 
the  school  of  spleen;  the  school  of  gaming;  with  many 
others,  too  tedious  to  recount.  No  person  to  be  admitted  a 
member  into  any  of  these  schools,  without  an  attestation  un- 
der two  sufficient  person's  hands,  certifying  him  to  be  a  wit 

But  to  return:  I  am  sufficiently  instructed  in  the  principal 
duty  of  a  preface,  if  my  genius  were  capable  of  arriving  at 
it.  Thrice  have  I  forced  my  imagination  to  make  the  tour 
of  my  invention,  and  thrice  it  has  returned  empty;  the 
latter  having  been  wholly  drained  by  the  following  treatise. 

*  This,  I  think,  the  author  should  have  omitted,  it  being  uf  the 
very  same  nature  with  the  school  of  hobby-horses;  if  one  may 
venture  to  censure  one  who  is  so  severe  a  censure t  of  others, 
perhaps  with  too  little  distinction. 


FKb*'ACE.  XXXI 

Not  so  my  more  successful  brethren  the  moderns,  who  will 
by  no  means  let  slip  a  preface  or  dedication,  without  some 
notable  distinguishing  stroke,  to  surprise  the  reader  at  the 
entry,  and  kindle  a  wonderful  expectation  of  what  is  to 
ensue.  Such  was  that  of  a  most  ingenious  poet,  who,  so- 
liciting his  brain  for  something  new,  compared  himself  to 
the  hangman,  and  his  patron  to  the  patient.  This  was* 
insigne,  recens,  indicium  ore  alio.^  When  I  went  through 
that  necessary  and  noble  course  of  study,J  I  had  the  hap- 
piness to  observe  many  such  egregious  touches;  which  I 
shall  not  injure  the  authors  by  transplanting;  because  I 
have  remarked,  that  nothing  is  so  very  tender  as  a  modern 
piece  of  wit,  which  is  apt  to  suffer  so  much  in  the  carriage. 
Some  things  are  extremely  witty  to-day,  or  fasting,  or  in 
this  place,  or  at  eight  o'clock,  or  over  a  bottle,  or  spoke 
by  Mr.  What  d'y'call'm,  or  in  a  summer's  morning;  any 
of  which,  by  the  smallest  transposal  or  misapplication,  is 
utterly  annihilated.  Thus  wit  has  its  walks  and  purlieus; 
out  of  which  it  may  not  stray  the  breadth  of  a  hair,  upon 
peril  of  being  lost.  The  moderns  have  artfully  fixed  this 
Mercury,  and  reduced  it  to  the  circumstances  of  time,  place 
and  person.  Such  a  jest  there  is,  that  will  not  pass  out 
of  Covent-garden ;  and  such  a  one,  that  is  no  where  intel- 
ligible but  at  Hyde  Park  corner.  Now,  though  it  some- 
times tenderly  affects  me,  to  consider,  that  all  the  towardly 
passages  1  shall  deliver,  in  the  following  treatise,  will  grow 
quite  out  of  date  and  relish  with  the  first  shifting  of  the 
present  scene;  yet  I  must  needs  subscribe  to  the  justice  of 
this  proceeding;  because  I  cannot  imagine  why  we  should 
be  at  expense  to  furnish  wit  for  succeeding  ages,  when  the 
former  have  made  no  sort  of  provision  for  our's:  wherein 
I  speak  the  sentiment  of  the  very  newest,  and  consequently 
the  most  orthodox  refiners, as  well  as  my  own.  However, 
bring  extremely  solicitous,  that  every  accomplished  person, 
who  has  got  into  the  taste  of  wit,  calculated  for  this  present 
month  of  August,  1697,  should  descend  to  the  very  bottom 


[*  Horace.] 

f  Something  extraordinary  new,  and  never  hit  upon  before. 

J  Reading  prefaces,  &c. 


XXX11  PREFACE. 

of  all  the  sublime  throughout  this  treatise,  I  hold  it  fit  to 
lay  down  this  general  maxim.  Whatever  reader  desires  to 
have  a  thorough  comprehension  of  an  author's  thoughts, 
cannot  take  a  better  method,  than  by  putting  himself  into 
the  circumstances  and  postures  of  life  that  the  writer  was 
in  upon  every  important  passage,  as  it  flowed  from  his  pen  : 
for  this  will  introduce  a  parity  and  strict  correspondence 
of  ideas  between  the  reader  and  the  author.  Now,  to  as- 
sist the  diligent  reader  in  so  delicate  an  affair,  as  far  as 
brevity  will  permit,  I  have  recollected,  that  the  shrewdest 
pieces  of  this  treatise  were  conceived  in  bed,  in  a  garret. 
At  other  times,  for  a  reason  best  known  to  myself,  1 
thought  fit  to  sharpen  my  invention  with  hunger;  and,  in 
general,  the  whole  work  was  begun,  continued,  and  ended, 
under  a  long  course  of  physic,  and  a  great  want  of  money. 
Now  I  do  affirm,  it  will  be  absolutely  impossible  for  the 
candid  peruser  to  go  along  with  me  in  a  great  many  bright 
passages,  unless,  upon  the  several  difficulties  emergent,  he 
will  please  to  capacitate  and  prepare  himself  by  these  direc- 
tions. And  this  I  lay  down  as  my  principal  poslulatum. 

Because  I  have  professed  to  be  a  most  devoted  servant 
of  all  moderns,  1  apprehend  some  curious  wit  may  object 
against  me,  for  proceeding  thus  far  in  a  preface,  without 
declaiming,  according  to  the  custom,  against  the  multitude 
of  writers  whereof  the  whole  multitude  of  writers  most 
reasonably  complain.  I  am  just  come  from  perusing  some 
hundreds  of  prefaces,  wherein  the  authors  do  at  the  very 
beginning  address  the  gentle  reader  concerning  this  enorm- 
ous grievance.  Of  these  I  have  preserved  a  few  examples, 
and  shall  set  them  down,  as  near  as  my  memory  has  been 
able  to  retain  them. 

One  begins  thus," 

"  For  a  man  to  set  up  for  a  writer,  when  the  press 
swarms  with,  &.c." 

Another : 

"The  tax  upon  paper  does  not  lessen  the  number  of 
scribblers,  who  daily  pester,  &c." 

Another : 

"  When  every  little  would-be-wit  takes  pen  in  hand,  it 
i*  in  vain  to  enter  the  lists,  8tc." 


PREFACE.  XXXlil 

Another : 

"  To  observe  what  trash  the  press  swarms  with,  &c." 

Another : 

"Sir,  It  is  merely  in  obedience  to  your  commands,. tha' 
I  venture  into  the  public  :  for  who,  upon  a  less  conside- 
ration, would  be  of  a  party  with  such  a  rabble  of  scrib- 
blers ?  &c."  , 

Now,  I  have  two  words  in  my  own  defence  against  this 
objection.  First,  I  am  far  from  granting  the  number  of 
writers  a  nuisance  to  our  nation ;  having  strenuously 
maintained  the  contrary  in  several  parts  of  the  following 
discourse.  Secondly,  I  do  not  well  understand  the  justice 
of  this  proceeding;  because  I  observe  many  of  these  polite 
prefaces  to  be  not  only  from  the  same  hand,  but  from  those 
who  are  most  voluminous  in  their  several  productions. 
Upon  which  I  shall  tell  the  reader  a  short  tale. 

"  A  mountebank  in  Leicester-fields  had  drawn  a  huge 
assembly  about  him.  Among  the  rest,  a  fat  unwieldy 
fellow,  half  stifled  in  the  press,  would  be  every  fit  crying 
out, — Lord,  what  a  filthy  crowd  is  here!  Pray,  good 
people  give  way  a  little.  Bless  me!  what  a  devil  has 

raked  this  rabble  together !    Z ds,  what  squeezing  is 

this !  Honest  friend,  remove  your  elbow." — At  last  a 
weaver,  that  stood  next  him,  could  hold  no  longer. — "  A 
plague  confound  you  (said  he)  for  an  overgrown  sloven ; 
and  who  (in  the  devil's  name,)  I  wonder,  helps  to  make 
up  the  crowd  half  so  much  as  yourself?  Don't  you 
consider,  (with  a  pox,)  that  you  take  up  more  room  with 
that  carcass  than  any  five  here  ?  Is  not  the  place  as  free 
for  us  as  for  you  ?  Bring  your  own  guts  to  a  reasonable 

compass,  (and  be  d n'd  ;)  and  then  I'll  engage  we  shall 

have  room  enough  for  us  all." 

There  are  certain  common  privileges  of  a  writer ;  the 
benefit  whereof,  I  hope,  there  will  be  no  reason  to  doubt , 
particularly,  that,  where  I  am  not  understood,  it  shall  be 
concluded,  that  something  very  useful  and  profound  is 
couched  underneath ;  and  again,  that  whatever  word  or 
sentence  is  printed  in  a  different  character,  shall  be  judged 
to  contain  something  extraordinary,  either  of  wit  or  sublime. 
As  for  the  liberty  1  have  thought  fit  to  take  of  praising 


XM1V  PREFACE. 

myself  upon  some  occasions  or  none,  I  am  sure  it  will 
need  no  excuse,  if  a  multitude  of  great  examples  be  allowed 
sufficient  authority  :  For  it  is  here  to  be  noted,  that  praise 
was  originally  a  pension  paid  by  the  world  :  but  the  moderns, 
finding  the  trouble  and  charge  too  great  in  collecting  it, 
have  lately  bought  out  the  fee  simple ;  since  which  time 
the  right  of  presentation  is  wholly  in  ourselves.  For  this 
reason  it  is,  that  when  an  author  makes  his  own  eulogy, 
he  uses  a  certain  form  to  declare  and  insist  upon  his  title ; 
which  is  commonly  in  these  or  the  like  words,  I  speak 
without  vanity  :  which,  I  think,  plainly  shows  it  to  be  a 
matter  of  right  and  justice.  Now,  I  do  here  once  for  all 
declare,  that  in  every  encounter  of  this  nature,  through  the 
following  treatise,  the  form  aforesaid  is  implied  ;  which  I 
mention,  to  save  the  trouble  of  repeating  it  on  so  many 
occasions. 

It  is  a  great  ease,  to  my  conscience,  that  I  have  written 
so  elaborate  and  useful  a  discourse  without  one  grain  of 
satire  intermixed ;  which  is  the  sole  point  wherein  I  have 
taken  leave  to  dissent  from  the  famous  originals  of  our  age 
and  country.  I  have  observed  some  satirists  to  use  the 
public  much  at  the  rate  that  pedants  do  a  naughty  boy, 
ready  horsed  for  discipline  :  First,  expostulate  the  case, 
then  plead  the  necessity  of  the  rod,  from  great  provocations, 
and  conclude  every  period  with  a  lash.  Now,  if  I  know 
any  thing  of  mankind,  these  gentlemen  might  very  well 
spare  their  reproof  and  correction :  for  there  is  not,  through 
all  nature,  another  so  callous  and  insensible  a  member  as 
the  world's  posteriors,  whether  you  apply  to  it  the  toe  or 
the  birch.  Besides,  most  of  our  late  satirists  seem  to  lie 
under  a  sort  of  mistake,  that  because  nettles  have  the  pre- 
rogative to  sting,  therefore  all  other  weeds  must  do  so  too. 
I  make  not  this  comparison  out  of  the  least  design  to 
detract  from  these  worthy  writers  :  for  it  is  well  known 
among  mythologists,  that  weeds  have  the  preeminence 
over  all  other  vegetables ;  and  therefore  the  first  monarch 
of  this  island,  whose  taste  and  judgment  were  so  acute  and 
refined,  did  very  wisely  root  out  the  roses  from  the  collar 
of  the  order,  and  plant  the  thistles  in  their  stead,  as  the 
nobler  flower  of  the  two.  For  which  reason  it  is  conjee 


PREFACE.  XXXV 

tured  by  profounder  antiquaries,  that  the  satirical  itch,  so 
prevalent  in  this  part  of  our  island,  was  first  brought  among 
us  from  beyond  the  Tweed.  Here  may  it  long  flourish  and 
abound.  May  it  survive  and  neglect  the  scorn  of  the 
world,  with  as  much  ease  and  contempt  as  the  world  is 
insensible  to  the  lashes  of  it.  May  their  own  dullness  or 
that  of  their  party  be  no  discouragement  for  the  authors  to 
proceed  :  but  let  them  remember,  it  is  with  wits  as  with 
razors,  which  are  never  so  apt  to  cut  those  they  are  em- 
ployed on,  as  when  they  have  lost  their  edge.  Besides, 
those,  whose  teeth  are  too  rotten  to  bite,  are  best  of  all 
others  qualified  to  revenge  that  defect  with  their  breath. 

I  am  not  like  other  men,  to  envy  or  undervalue  the 
talents  I  cannot  reach  •,  for  which  reason  I  must  needs 
bear  a  true  honour  to  this  large  eminent  sect  of  our  British 
writers.  And  I  hope,  this  little  panegyric  will  not  be 
offensive  to  their  ears,  since  it  has  the  advantage  of  being 
only  designed  for  themselves.  Indeed,  nature  herself  has 
taken  order,  that  fame  and  honour  should  be  purchased  at 
a  better  pennyworth  by  satire,  than  by  any  other  produc- 
tions of  the  brain ;  the  world  being  soonest  provoked  to 
praise  by  lashes,  as  men  are  to  love.  There  is  a  problem 
in  an  ancient  author,  why  dedications,  and  other  bundles 
of  flattery,  run  all  upon  stale  musty  topics,  without  the 
smallest  tincture  of  any  thing  new  ;  not  only  to  the  torment 
and  nauseating  of  the  Christian  reader,  but,  if  not  suddenly 
prevented,  to  the  universal  spreading  of  that  pestilent  disease, 
the  lethargy,  in  this  island :  whereas  there  is  very  little  sa- 
tire which  has  not  something  in  it  untouched  before.  The 
defects  of  the  former  are  usually  imputed  to  the  want  of 
invention  among  those  who  are  dealers  in  that  kind  :  but, 
1  think,  with  a  great  deal  of  injustice  ;  the  solution  being 
easy  and  natural.  For,  the  materiaVs  of  panegyric,  being 
very  few  in  number,  have  been  long  since  exhausted :  for, 
as  health  is  but  one  thing,  and  has  been  always  the  same, 
whereas  diseases  are  by  thousands,  besides  new  and  daily 
additions  :  so  all  the  virtues  that  have  been  ever  in  mankind, 
are  to  be  counted  upon  a  few  fingers ;  but  his  follies  and  vices 
are  innumerable,  and  time  adds  hourly  to  the  heap.  Now, 
the  utmost  a  poor  poet  can  do,  is  to  get  by  heart  a  list  of 


XXXVI  PREFACE. 

the  cardinal  virtues,  and  deal  them  with  his  utmost  liberal- 
ity  to  his  hero  or  his  patron.  He  may  ring  the  changes  a» 
far  as  it  will  go,  and  vary  his  phrase  till  he  has  talked  round : 
but  the  reader  quickly  finds  it  is  all  pork,*  with  a  little  variety 
of  sauce.  For  there  is  no  inventing  terms  of  art  beyond 
our  ideas  ;  and  when  ideas  a  e  exhausted,  terms  of  art  must 
be  so  too. 

But,  though  the  matter  for  panegyric  were  as  fruitful  as 
the  topics  of  satire,  yet  would  it  not  be  hard  to  find  out  a 
sufficient  reason,  why  the  latter  will  be  always  better  re- 
ceived than  the  first.  For,  this  being  bestowed  only  upon 
one  or  a  few  persons  at  a  time,  is  sure  to  raise  envy,  and 
consequently  ill  words,  from  the  rest,  who  have  no  share 
in  the  blessing.  But  satire,  being  levelled  at  all,  is  never 
resented  for  an  offence  by  any ;  since  every  individual 
person  makes  bold  to  understand  it  of  others,  and  very 
wisely  removes  his  particular  part  of  the  burden  upon  the 
shoulders  of  the  world,  which  are  broad  enough,  and  able 
to  bear  it.  To  this  purpose,  I  have  sometimes  reflected 
upon  the  difference  between  Athens  and  England,  with  re- 
spect to  the  point  before  us.  In  the  Attic  commonwealth,! 
it  was  the  privilege  and  birthright  of  every  citizen  and  poet, 
to  rail  aloud  and  in  public,  or  to  expose  upon  the  stage  by 
name,  any  person  they  pleased,  though  of  the  greatest  fig- 
ure, whether  a  Creon,  an  Hyberbolus,  an  Alcibiades,  or 
a  Demosthenes.  But  on  the  other  side,  the  least  reflecting 
word,  let  fall  against  the  people  in  general,  was  immedi- 
ately caught  up,  and  revenged  upon  the  authors,  however 
considerable  for  their  quality  or  their  merits.  Whereas, 
in  England,  it  is  just  the  reverse  of  all  this.  Here  youmay 
securely  display  your  utmost  rhetoric  against  mankind,  in 
the  face  of  the  world  ;  tell  them,  "  That  all  are  gone  astray; 
that  there  is  none  that  doeth  good,  no  not  one ;  that  we 
live  in  the  very  drega  of  time ;  that  knavery  and  athe- 
ism are  epidemic  as  the  pox;  that  honesty  is  fled  with 
Astrata ;"  with  any  other  common  places  equally  new 
»nd  eloquent,  which  are  furnished  by  the  splendida  bilis.^ 
And  when  you  have  done,  the  whole  audience,  far  from 

rcb.]  [f  Vid.  Xenoph.]  ft  Hor.  Spleen.] 


PREFACE.  XXXVII 

being  offended,  shall  return  you  thanks,  as  a  deliverer 
of  precious  and  useful  truths.  Nay,  farther,  it  is  but  to 
venture  your  lungs,  and  you  may  preach  in  Covent-garden 
against  foppery  and  fornication,  and  something  else  !  against 
pride,  and  dissimulation,  and  bribery,  at  Whitehall :  you 
may  expose  rapine  and  injustice  in  the  Inns  of  court  chapel ; 
and  in  a  city  pulpit  be  as  fierce  as  you  please,  against  ava- 
rice, hypocrisy,  and  extortion.  It  is  but  a  ball  bandied  to 
and  fro,  and  every  man  carries  a  racket  about  him  to  strike 
it  from  himself  among  the  rest  of  the  company.  *But,  on 
the  other  side,  whoever  should  mistake  the  nature  of  things 
so  far,  as  to  drop  but  a  single  hint  in  public,  how  such  a 
one  starved  half  the  fleet,  and  half  poisoned  the  rest ;  how 
such  a  one,  from  a  true  principle  of  love  and  honour,  pays 
no  debts,  but  for  wenches  and  play ;  how  such  a  one  has 
got  a  clap,  and  runs  out  of  his  estate ;  how  Paris,  bribed  by 
Juno  and  Venus,  (*)  loth  to  offend  either  party,  slept  out 
the  whole  cause  on  the  bench ;  or,  how  such  an  oratoi 
makes  long  speeches  in  the  senate  with  much  thought, 
little  sense,  and  to  no  purpose  :  whoever,  I  say,  should 
ve'nture  to  be  thus  particular,  must  expect  to  be  imprisoned 
for  scandalum  magnatum;  to  have  challenges  sent  to  him; 
to  be  sued  for  defamation,  and  to  be  brought  before  the  bar 
of  the  house. 

But  I  forget  that  I  am  expatiating  on  a  subject  wherein  I 
have  no  concern,  having  neither  a  talent  nor  an  inclination 
for  satire  !  On  the  other  side,  I  am  so  entirely  satisfied  with 
the  whole  present  procedure  of  human  things,  that  I  have 
been  for  some  years  preparing  materials  towards  a  panegy- 
ric upon  the  world ;  to  which  I  intended  to  add  a  second 
part,  entitled,  A  Modest  Defence  of  the  Proceedings  of  the 
Rabble  in  all  Ages.  Both  these  I  had  thoughts  to  publish, 
by  way  of  appendix  to  the  following  treatise  ;  but,  finding 
my  common-place  book  fill  much  slower  than  I  had  reason 
to  expect,  I  have  chosen  to  defer  them  to  another  occasion 

*  Juno  and  Venus  are  money  and  a  mistress  ;  very  powerful 
bribes  to  a  judge,  if  scandal  says  true.  I  remember  such  reflec- 
tions were  cast  about  that  time  ;  but  I  cannot  fix  the  person  in- 
tended here. 

D 


XXXV111  PREFACE. 

Besides,  I  have  been  unhappily  prevented  in  that  design, 
by  a  certain  domestic  misfortune  :  in  the  particulars  where- 
of, though  it  would  be  very  seasonable,  and  much  in  the 
modern  way,  to  inform  the  gentle  reader,  and  would  also 
be  of  great  assistance  towards  extending  this  preface  into 
the  size  now  in  vogue,  which  by  rule,  ought  to  be  large, 
in  proportion  as  the  subsequent  volume  is  small  ;  yet  I 
shall  now  dismiss  our  impatient  reader  from  any  further 
attendance  at  the  porch ;  and,  having  duly  prepared  his 
mind  by  a  Preliminary  Discourse,  shall  gladly  introduce 
him  to  the  sublime  mysteries  that  ensue. 


Treatises  wrote  by  the  same  Author,  most  of  them  mention- 
ed in  the  following  Discourses;  which  will  be  speedily 
published. 

A  Character  of  the  Present  set  of  Wits  in  this  Island 
A  Panegyrical  Essay  upon  the  number  THREE. 

A  Dissertation  upon  the  Principal  Productions  of  Grub- 
street. 

Lectures  upon  a  Dissection  of  Human  Nature. 
A  -Panegyric  upon  the  World. 

An  Analytical  Discourse  upon  Zeal,  Histori-theo-physi- 
ologically  considered. 

A  General  History  of  Ears. 

A  Modest  Defence  of  the  Proceedings  of  the  Rabble  in 
all  Ages. 

A  Description  of  the  Kingdom  of  Absurdities. 

A  Voyage  into  England  by  a  Person  of  Quality   in 
Terra  Australia  Incognita,  translated  from  the  original. 

A  Critical  Essay  upon  the  Art  of  Canting,  philosophi- 
cally, physically,  and  musically  considered. 


A 

TALE  OF  A  TUB. 


SECTION  I. 

THE  INTRODUCTION. 

WHOEVER  hath  an  ambition  to  be  heard  in  a  crowd,  mus! 
press,  and  squeeze,  and  thrust,  and  climb  with  indefatigable 
pains,  till  he  has  exalted  himself  to  a  certain  degree  of  altitude 
above  them.  Now,  in  all  assemblies,  though  you  wedge  them 
ever  so  close,  we  may  observe  this  peculiar  property,  That 
over  their  heads  there  is  room  enough  j  but  how  to  reach  it,  is 
the  difficult  point;  it  being  as  hard  to  get  quit  of  numbers,  as 
of  hell. 

Evadere  ad  auras 
Hoc  opus,  hie  labor  est.* 

To  this  end,  the  philosopher's  way  in  all  ages  has  been, 
by  erecting  certain  edifices  in  the  air.  But,  whatever  practice 
and  reputation  these  kinds  of  structures  have  formerly  possess- 
ed, or  may  still  continue  in,  not  excepting  even  that  of  Soc- 
rates, when  he  was  suspended  in  a  basket,  to  help  contem- 
plation; I  think,  with  due  submission,  they  seem  to  labour 
under  two  inconveniences.  First,  That  the  foundations  being 
laid  too  high,  they  have  often  been  out  of  sight,  and  ever  out 
of  hearing.  Secondly,  That  the  materials,  being  very  transi- 
tory, have  suffered  much  from  inclemencies  of  air,  especially 
in  these  north-west  regions. 

Therefore,  towards  the  just  performance  of  this  great  work, 
there  remain  but  three  methods  that  I  can  think  on  ;  whereof 
the  wisdom  of  our  ancestors,  being  highly  sensible,  has,  to 
encourage  all  aspiring  adventurers,  thought  fit  to  erect  three 
wooden  machines,  for  the  use  of  those  orators  who  desire  to 
talk  much  without  interruption.  These  are,  the  pulpit,  the 
ladder,  and  the  stage-itinerant.  For,  as  to  the  bar,  though  it 
be  compounded  of  the  same  matter,  and  designed  for  the  same 
use,  it  cannot  however  be  well  allowed  the  honour  of  a  fourth, 

*  But  to  return,  and  view  the  cheerful  skies, 
In  this  the  task  and  mighty  labour  lies. 

39 


-  0  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

by  reason  of  its  level  or  inferior  situation,  exposing  it  to  per 
petual  interruption  from  collaterals.  Neither  can  the  bench 
itself,  though  raised  to  a  proper  eminence,  put  in  a  better 
claim,  whatever  its  advocates  insist  on.  For,  if  they  please 
to  look  into  the  original  design  of  its  erection,  and  the  circum- 
stances or  adjunct  subservient  to  that  design,  they  will  soon 
acknowledge  the  present  practice  exactly  correspondent  to  the 
primitive  institution ;  and  both  to  answer  the  etymology  of 
f.he  name,  which,  in  the  Phoenician  tongue,  is  a  word  of  great 
signification,  importing,  if  literally  interpreted,  The  place  of 
sleep;  but  in  common  acceptation,  A  seat,  well  bolstered  and 
cushioned,  for  the  repose  of  old  and  gouty  limbs  Senes  ut  in 
otia  tuta  recedant :  Fortune  being  indebted  to  them  this  part  of 
retaliation,  that,  as  formerly,  they  have  long  talked,  whilst  others 
slept ;  so  now  they  may  sleep  as  long,  whilst  others  talk. 

But  if  no  other  argument  could  occur  to  exclude  the  bench 
and  the  bar  from  the  list  of  oratorical  machines,  it  were  suffi- 
cient, that  the  admission  of  them  would  overthrow  a  number 
which  I  was  resolved  to  establish,  whatever  argument  it 
•night  cost  me;  in  imitation  of  that  prudent  method  observed 
'iy  many  other  philosophers  and  great  clerks,  whose  chief  art 
in  division  has  been  to  grow  fond  of  some  proper  mystical 
number,  which  their  imaginations  have  rendered  sacred,  to 
such  a  degree,  that  they  force  common  reason  to  find  room 
*or  it  in  every  part  of  nature;  reducing,  including,  and  ad- 
justing every  genus  and  species  within  that  compass,  by 
coupling  some  against  their  wills,  and  banishing  others  at  any 
/ate.  Now,  among  all  the  rest,  tj^e  profound  number  THREE 
is  that  which  hath  most  employed  my  sublimest  speculations, 
nor  ever  without  wonderful  delight.  There  is  now  in  the 
press,  (and  will  be  published  next  term,)  a  Panegyrical  Essay 
of  mine  upon  this  number  ;  wherein  I  have,  by  most  convinc- 
ing proofs,  not  only  reduced  the  senses  and  the  elements  under 
its  banner,  but  brought  over  several  deserters  from  its  two  great 
rivals,  SEVEN  and  NINE. 

Now  the  first  of  these  oratorical  machines,  in  place  as  well 
as  dignity,  is  the  pulpit.  Of  pulpits  there  are  in  this  island 
several  sorts.  But  I  esteem  only  that  made  of  timber,  from  the 
Sylva  Caledonia,  which  agrees  very  well  with  our  climate. 
*f  it  be  upon  its  decay,  it  is  the  better,  both  for  conveyance  of 
sound,  and  for  other  reasons,  to  be  mentioned  by  and  by.  The 
degree  of  perfection  in  shape  and  size,  I  take  to  consist  in  being 
extremely  narrow,  with  little  ornament,  and  best  of  all  without 
a  cover  ;  (for,  by  ancient  rule,  it  ought  to  be  the  only  uncover- 
ed vessel  m  every  assemb!/  where  it  is  rightfully  used :)  by 


THE  INTRODUCTION.  4* 

wnich  means,  from  as  near  resemblance  to  a  pillory,  it  will 
e\i-r  have  a  mighty  influence  on  human  ears. 

Of  ladders  I  need  say  nothing.  It  is  observed  by  foreigners 
themselves,  to  the  honour  of  our  country,  that  we  excel  all 
nations  in  our  practice  and  understanding  of  this  machine. 
The  ascending  orators  do  not  only  oblige  their  audience  in  the 
agreeable  delivery,  but  the  whole  world,  in  the  early  publica- 
tion of  their  speeches ;  which  I  look  upon  as  the  choicest 
treasury  of  our  British  eloquence  ;  and  whereof  I  am  informed, 
.iat  worthy  citizen  and  bookseller,  Mr.  John  Dunton,  hath 
.ade  a  faithful  and  a  painful  collection,  which  he  shortly  de- 
jgns  to  publish  in  twelve  volumes  in  folio,  illustrated  with 
copper-plates:  A  work  highly  useful  and  curious,  and  alto- 
gether worthy  of  such  a  hand  ! 

The  last  engine  of  orators  is  the  stage  itinerant,*  erected 
with  much  sagacity,  sub  Jove  pluvio,  in  trivm  et  quadriviis.^ 
It  is  the  greatest  seminary  of  the  two  former  :  ana  its  orators 
are  sometimes  preferred  to  the  one,  and  sometimes  to- the  other, 
in  proportion  to  their  deservings  ;  there  being  a  strict  and  per- 
petual intercourse  between  all  three. 

From  this  accurate  deduction  it  is  manifest,  that,  for  obtain- 
ing attention  in  public,  there  is  of  necessity  required  a  supe- 
rior'position  of  place.  But  although  this  point  be  generally 
granted,  yet  the  cause  is  little  agreed  in  ;  and  it  seems  to  me, 
that  very  few  philosophers  have  fallen  into  a  true,  natural 
solution  of  this  phenomenon.  The  deepest  account,  and  the 
most  fairly  digested  of  any  I  have  yet  met  with,  is  this,  That 
air  being  a  heavy  body,  and  therefore  (according  to  the  system 
of  Epicurus:}:)  continually  descending,  must  needs  be  more  so, 
when  loaden  and  pressed  down  by  words ;  which  are  also 
bodies  of  much  weight  and  gravity,  as  it  is  manifest  from  those 
deep  impressions  they  make  and  leave  upon  us;  and  therefore 
must  be  delivered  from  a  due  altitude,  or  else  they  will  neither 
carry  a  good  aim,  nor  fall  down  with  a  sufficient  force. 

Corpoream  quoque  enim  vocem  constare  fatendum  est, 
Et  sonitum,  quoniam  possunt  impellere  sensus.S 

Lucr.  lib.  4. 

P 

And  I  am  the  readier  to  favour  this  conjecture,  from  a  com- 

*  That  is,  the  mountebank's  stage,  whose  orators  the  author  deter« 
mines  either  to  be  the  gallows  or  a  conventicle, 
t  In  the  open  air.  and  in  streets  where  the  greatest  resort  is. 
t  Lucret.  lib.  2.  •• 

$  'Tis  certain  then,  that  voice  that  thus  can  wound, 
IB  all  material ;  body  ever  found. 

D2 


42 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 


mon  observation,  That,  in  the  several  assemblies  of  these  ora- 
tors, nature  itself  hath  instructed  the  hearers  to  stand  with 
their  mouths  open,  and  erected  parallel  to  the  horizon,  so  as 
they  may  be  intersected  by  a  perpendicular  line  from  the 
zenith  to  the  centre  of  the  earth.  In  which  position,  if  the  au- 
dience be  well  compact,  every  one  carries  home  a  share,  and 
iittle  or  nothing  is  lost. 

I  confess,  there  is  something  yet  more  refined  in  the  contri- 
vance and  structure  of  our  modern  theatres.  For,  first,  the 
pit  is  sunk  below  the  stage,  with  due  regard  to  the  institution 
above  deduced;  that  whatever  weighty  matter  shall  be  deliver- 
ed thence,  (whether  it  be  lead  or  gold,)  may  fall  plumb  into 
the  jaws  of  certain  critics  (as  I  think  they  are  called)  which 
stand  ready  open  to  devour  them.  Then  the  boxes  are  built 
round,  and  raised  to  a  level  with  the  scene,  in  deference  to  the 
ladies  ;  because  that  large  portion  of  wit,  laid  out  in  raising 
pruriences  and  protuberances,  is  observed  to  run  much  upon  a 
line,  and  ever  in  a  circle.  The  whining  passions,  and  little 
starved  conceits,  are  gently  wafted  up  by  their  own  extreme 
levity,  to  the  middle  region  ;  and  there  fix,  and  are  frozen  by  the 
frigid  understandings  of  the  inhabitants.  Bombast  and  buffoon 
ry,  by  nature  lofty  and  light,  soar  highest  of  all;  and  would  be 
lost  in  the  roof,  if  the  prudent  architect  had  not,  with  much 
foresight,  contrived  for  them  a  fourth  place,  called  the  twelve- 
penny-gallery  ;  and  there  planted  a  suitable  colony,  who  greed- 
ily intercept  them  in  their  passage. 

Now  this  physico-logical  scheme  of  oratorical  receptacles,  01 
machines,  contains  a  great  mystery;  being  a  type,  a  sign,  an 
emblem,  a  shadow,  a  symbol,  bearing  analogy  to  the  spacious 
commonwealth  of  writers,  and  to  those  methods  by  which  they 
must  exalt  themselves  to  a  certain  eminency  above  the  inferior 
world.  By  the  pulpit  are  adumbrated  the  writings  of  our 
modern  saints  in  Great  Britain,  as  they  have  spiritualized  and 
refined  them  from  the  dross  andgrossness  of  sense  and  human 
reason.  The  matter,  as  we  have  said,  is  of  rotten  wood ;  and 
that  upon  two  considerations :  because  it  is  the  quality  of  rotten 
wood,  to  give  light  in  the  dark  :  and,  secondly,  because  its 
cavities  ate  full  of  worms;  which  is  a  type  with  a  pair  of 
handles,*  having  respect  to  the  two  principal  qualifications  of 
the  oiator,  and  the  two  different  fates  attending  upon  his 
works. 


*  The  two  piftcipal  qualifications  of  a  fanatic  preacher  are,  his  icward 
light,  and  his  head  full  of  maggots,  and  the  two  different  •<%te?  V  tas 
writings  are,  to  be  burnt  or  wormeaten. 


THE    INTRODUCTION.  ~tl 

The  ladder  is  an  adequate  symbol  of  faction,  and  of  poetry, 
to  both  of  which  so  noble  a  number  of  authors  are  indebted 
for  their  fame;*  because        ****** 
*##***#** 
********  Hiatus  in 

*#*##***#  •Alo. 

******  Of  poetry ;  because  its 
orators  do  perorate  with  a  song;  and  because  climbing  up  by 
slow  degrees,  fate  is  sure  to  turn  them  off  before  they  can  reach 
within  many  steps  of  the  top;  and  because  it  is  a  preferment 
attained  by  transferring  of  propriety,  and  a  confounding  ot 
iHeum  and  tuwn. 

Under  the  stage-itinerant,  are  couched  those  productions 
designed  for  the  pleasure  and  delight  of  mortal  man,  such  as, 
Six- penny- worth  of  Wit,  Westminster  Drolleries,  Delightful 
Tales,  Complete  Jesters,  and  the  like:  by  which  the  writers  of 
and  for  GRUB-STREET  have  in  these  latter  ages  so  nobly 
triumphed  over  time ;  have  clipped  his  wings,  pared  his  nails, 
filed  his  teeth,  turned  back  his  hour-glass,  blunted  his  scythe, 
and  drawn  the  hobnails  out  of  his  shoes.  It  is  under  this 
class  I  have  presumed  to  list  my  present  treatise,  being  just 
come  from  having  the  honour  conferred  upon  me,  to  be  adopt- 
ed a -member  of  that  illustrious  fraternity. 

Now,  I  am  not  unaware  how  the  productions  of  the  Grub- 
street  brotherhood  have  of  late  years  fallen  under  many  pre- 
judices; nor  how  it  has  been  the  perpetual  employment  of 
two  junior  up-start  societies^to  ridicule  them  and  their  authors, 
as  unworthy  their  established  post  in  the  commonwealth  of 
wit  and  learning.  Their  own  consciences  will  easily  inform 
them,  whom  I  mean.  Nor  has  the  world  been  so  negligent  a 
looker-on,  as  not  to  observe  the  continual  efforts  made  by  the 
societies  of  Gresham,f  and  of  Will's,t  to  edify  a  name  and 
reputation  upon  the  ruin  of  OURS.  And  this  is  yet  a  more 
feeling  grief  to  us,  upon  the  regards  of  tenderness,  as  well  as 

*  Here  is  pretended  a  defect  in  the  manuscript ;  and  this  is  very 
frequent  with  our  author,  either  when  he  thinks  he  cannot  say  any 
thing  worth  reading;  or  when  he  has  no  mind  to  enter  on  the  subject  • 
or  when  it  is  a  matter  of  little  moment ;  or  perhaps  10  amuse  his 
reader,  (whereof  he  is  frequently  very  fond ;)  or,  lastly,  with  some 
satirical  intention. 

t  Gresham  College  was  the  place  where  the  Royal  Society  then 
met,  from  whence  they  removed  to  Crane  court  in  Fleet-Street. 

t  Will's  Coffe-house  was  formerly  the  place  where  the  poets  usually 
met;  which,  though  it  be  yet  fresh  in  memory,  in  some  years  may 
be  forgot,  and  want  this  explanation. 


44  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

of  justice,  when  we  reflect  on  their  proceedings,  not  only  as 
unjust,  but  as  ungrateful,  undutiful,  and  unnatural.  For  how 
can  it  be  forgot  by  the  world  or  themselves,  (to  say  nothing 
of  our  own  records,  which  are  full  and  clear  in  the  point,)  that 
they  both  are  seminaries,  not  only  of  our  planting,  but  our 
watering  too?  I  am  informed,  our  two  rivals  have  lately  made 
an  offer  to  enter  into  the  lists  with  united  forces,  and  challenge 
us  to  a  comparison  of  books,  both  as  to  weight  and  number. 
In  return  to  which,  with  license  from  our  president,  I  humbly 
offer  two  answers.  First,  We  say,  the  proposal  is  like  that 
which  Archimedes  made  upon  a  smaller  affair,*  including  an 
impossibility  in  the  practice:  for  where  can  they  find  scales 
of  capacity  enough  for  the  first,  or  an  arithmetician  of 
capacity  enough  for  the  second?  Secondly,  We  are  ready  to 
accept  the  challenge;  but  this  with  condition,  that  a  third  indif- 
ferent person  be  assigned,  to  whose  impartial  judgment  it  shall 
be  left  to  decide,  which  society,  each  book,  treatise  or  pamph- 
let, does  most  properly  belong  to:  This  point,  God  knows,  is 
very  far  from  being  fixed  at  present.  For  we  are  ready  to 
produce  a  catalogue  of  spme  thousands,  which  in  all  common 
justice  ought  to  be  entitled  to  our  fraternity,  but,  by  the  revolted 
and  new  fangled  writers,  most  perfidiously  ascribed  to  the 
others.  Upon  all  which,  we  think  it  very  unbecoming  our 
prudence,  that  the  determination  should  be  remitted  to  the 
authors  themselves;  when  our  adversaries,  by  briguing  and 
caballing,  have  caused  so  universal  a  defection  from  us,  that 
the  greatest  part  of  our  society  hath  already  deserted  to  them, 
and  our  nearest  friends  begin  to  stand  aloof,  as  if  they  were 
half-ashamed  to  own  us. 

This  is  the  utmost  I  am  authorized  to  say  upon  so  ungrate- 
ful and  melancholy  a  subject;  because  we  are  extremely  un- 
willing to  inflame  a  controversy,  whose  continuance  may  be 
so  fatal  to  the  interests  of  us  all;  desiring  much  rather  that 
things  be  amicably  composed.  And  we  shall  so  far  advance  on 
our  side,  as  to  be  ready  to  receive  the  two  prodigals  with  open 
arms,  whenever  they  shall  think  fit  to  return  from  their  husks 
and  their  harlots;  which,  I  think,  from  the  present  course  of 
their  studies, f  they  most  properly  may  be  said  to  be  engaged 
in;  and,  like  an  indulgent  parent,  continue  to  them  our  affec- 
tion and  our  blessing. 

But  the  greatest  maim  given  to  that  general  reception  which 
the  writings  of  our  society  have  formerly  received,  next  to  the 

[*  Viz.  about  moving  the  earth.] 

[t  Virtuoso  experiments,  and  modern  comedies.] 


THE  INTRODUCTION.  45 

Transitory  state  of  all  sublunary  things,  hath  been,  a  superficial 
vein  among  many  readers  of  the  present  age,  wllo  will  by  no 
means  be  persuaded  to  inspect  beyond  the  surface  and  the  rind 
of  things.  Whereas,  wisdom  is  a  fox,  who,  after  long  hunt- 
ing, will  at  last  cost  you  the  pains  to  dig  out.  It  is  a  cheese, 
which,  by  how  much  the  richer,  has  the  thicker,  the  homelier, 
and  the  coarser  coat;  and  whereof  to  a  judicious  palate,  the 
maggots  are  the  best.  It  is  sack-posset,  wherein  the  deeper  you 
go,  you  will  find  it  the  sweeter.  Wisdom  is  a  hen,  whose 
cackling  we  must  value  and  consider,  because  it  is  attended 
with  an  egg.  But,  then,  lastly,  it  is  a  nut,  which,  unless  yoa 
choose  with  judgment,  may  cost  you  a  tooth,  and  pay  you  with 
nothing  but  a  worm.  In  consequence  of  these  momentous 
truths,  the  Grubcean  sages  have  always  chosen  to  convey  their 
precepts  and  their  arts,  shut  up  within  the  vehicles  of  types 
and  fables;  which,  having  been  perhaps  more  careful  and 
curious  in  adorning  than  was  altogether  necessary,  it  has  fared 
with  these  vehicles,  after  the  usual  fate  of  coaches  over- finely 
painted  and  gilt,  that  the  transitory  gazers  have  so  dazzled 
their  eyes,  and  filled  their  imaginations  with  the  outward  lustre, 
as  neither  to  regard  or  consider  the  person  or  the  parts  of  the 
owner  within :  A  misfortune  we  undergo  with  somewhat  less 
reluctance,  because,  it  has  been  common  to  us  with  Pythagoras, 
yEsop,  Socrates,  and  other  of  our  predecessors. 

However,  that  neither  the  world  nor  ourselves  may  any 
longer  suffer  by  such  misunderstandings,  I  have  been  prevailed 
on,  after  much  importunity  from  my  friends,  to  travel  in  a 
complete  and  laborious  dissertation  upon  the  prime  productions 
of  our  society ,  which,  besides  their  beautiful  externals,  for  the 
gratification  of  superficial  readers,  have,  darkly  and  deeply 
couched  under  them,  the  most  finished  and  refined  systenft  of 
all  sciences  and  arts;  as  I  do  not  doubt  to  lay  open  by  untwist- 
ing or  unwinding,  and  either  to  draw  up  by  exantlation,  or 
display  by  incision. 

This  great  work  was  entered  upon  some  years  ago,  by  one 
of  our  most  eminent  members.  He  began  with  the  history  of 
Reynard  the  Fox* ;  but  neither  lived  to  publish  his  essay, 
nor  to  proceed  farther  in  so  useful  an  attempt:  which  is  very 
much  to  be  lamented  ;  because  the  discovery  he  made,  and 
communicated  with  his  friends,  is  now  unversally  received. 

*  The  author  seems  here  to  be  mistaken :  for  I  have  seen  a  Latin 
edition  of  Reynard  the  Fox  above  a  hundred  years  old,  which  I  take 
to  be  the  original.  For  the  rest,  it  has  been  thought  by  many  people 
to  contain  some  satirical  design  in  it. 


46  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

Nor  do  I  think  any  of  the  learned  will  dispute  that  farnou* 
treatise  to  be  a  complete  body  of  civil  knowledge,  and  the 
revelation,  or  rather  the  apocalypse,  of  all  slate-arcana.  But 
the  progress  I  have  made,  is  much  greater;  having  already 
finished  my  annotations  upon  several  dozens:  from  some  of 
which  I  shall  impart  a  few  hints  to  the  candid  reader,  as  far 
as  will  be  necessary  to  the  conclusion  at  which  I  aim. 

The  first  piece  I  have  handled  is  that  of  Tom  Thumb,  whose 
author  was  a  Pythagorean  philosopher.  This  dark  treatise 
contains  the  whole  scheme  of  the  metempsychosis,  deducing 
the  progress  of  the  soul  through  all  her  stages. 

The  next  is  Dr.  Faustus,  penned  by  Jlrtephius,  an  author 
bonce  notce,  and  an  adeptus.  He  published  it  in  the  nine 
hundred  eighty-fourth  year  of  his  age.*  This  writer  proceeds 
wholly  by  reincrudation,  or  in  via  humida.  And  the  marriage 
between  Faustus  and  Helen,  does  most  conspicuously  dilu- 
cidate  the  fermenting  of  the  male  and  female  dragon. 

Whiuirigton  and  his  Cat  is  the  work  of  that  mysterious 
Rabbi,  Jehuda  Hannasi;  containing  a  defence  of  the  Gemara\ 
of  the  Jerusalem  Misna,  and  its  just  preference  to  that  of 
Babylon  ;  contrary  to  the  vulgar  opinion. 

The  Hind  and  Panther :  This  is  the  master  piece  of  a  famous 
writer  now  living,  £  intended  for  a  complete  abstract  of  sixteen 
thousand  school-men,  from  Scotus  to  Bellarmine. 

Tommy  Potts:  Another  piece  supposed  by. the  same  hand, 
by  way  of  supplement  to  the  former. 

The  wise  men  of  Gotham,  cum  Jtppendice:  This  is  a  treatise 
of  immense  erudition;  being  the  great  original  and  fountain 
of  those  arguments,  bandied  about  both  in  France  and  England, 
for  a  just  defence  of  the  moderns'  learning  and  wit,  against 
the  presumption,  the  pride,  and  the  ignorance  of  the  ancients. 
This  unknown  author  hath  so  exhausted  the  subject,  that  a 
penetrating  reader  will  easily  discover  whatever  hath  been 
written  since  upon  that  dispute,  to  be  little  more  than  repeti- 
tion. An  abstract  of  this  treatise  hath  been  lately  published, 
by  a  worthy  member  of  our  society. § 


*  The  chemists  say  of  him  in  the*  books  that  he  prolonged  his  life 
a  thousand  years,  and  then  died  voluntarily. 

t  The  Gemara  is  the  decision,  explanation,  or  interpretation  of  the 
Jewish  rabbies :  and  the  Misna  is  properly  the  code  or  body  of  the 
Jewish  civil  or  common  law. 

[J  Viz.  In  the  year  1698.] 

$  This  I  suppose  to  be  understood  of  Mr.  W — tt — n's  Discourse  of 
Ancient  and  Modern  Learning. 


THE  INTRODUCTION.  47 

fnese  notices  may  serve  to  give  the  learned  reader  an  idea 
a»  vfc}\  as  a  taste  of  what  the  whole  work  is  likely  to  produce ; 
whe«*iu  1  have  now  altogether  circumscribed  my  thoughts  and 
my  stuJifcj  ;  and  if  I  can  bring  it  to  a  perfection  before  I  die, 
shall  reckon  I  have  well  employed  the  poor  remains  of  an  un- 
fortunate liifc^  This  indeed  is  more  than  I  can  justly  expect 
from  a  quill  worn  to  the  pith  in  the  service  of  the  state,  inprot 
and  cons  upon  Popish  plots,  and  Meal-tubs,f  and  exclusion- 
bills,  and  passive  obedience,  and  addresses  of  lives  and  for- 
tunes ;  and  prerogative,  and  property,  and  liberty  of  conscience, 
and  letters  to  a  friend ;  from  an  understanding  and  a  conscience 
thread-bare  and  ragged  with  perpetual  turning ;  from  a  head 
broken  in  a  hundred  places,  by  the  malignants  of  the  opposite 
factions ;  and  from  a  body  spent  with  poxes  ill  cured,  by 
trusting  to  bawds  and  surgeons ;  who  (as  it  afterwards  appear- 
ed) were  professed  enemies  to  me  and  the  government,  and 
revenged  their  party's  quarrel  upon  my  nose  and  shins. 
Fourscore  and  eleven^pamphlets  have  I  written  under  three 
reigns,  and  for  the  service  of  six  and  thirty  factions.  But, 
finding  the  state  has  no  further  occasion  for  me  and  my  ink, 
I  retire  willingly  to  draw  it  out  into  speculations  more  becom- 
ing a  philosopher ;  having,  to  my  unspeakable  comfort,  pas- 
sed a  long  life,  with  a  conscience  void  of  offence  towards  God, 
and  towards  men. 

But  to  return  :  I  am  assured  from  the  reader's  candour, 
that  the  brief  specimen  I  have  given,  will  easily  clear  all  the 
rest  of  our  society's  productions  from  an  aspersion,  grown,  as 
it  is  manifast,  out  of  envy  and  ignorance.  That  they  are  of 
little  farther  use  or  value  to  mankind,  beyond  the  common 
entertainments  of  their  wit  and  their  style;  for  these  I  am 
sure  have  never  yet  been  disputed  by  our  keenest  adversaries  : 
in  both  which,  as  well  as  the  more  profound  and  mystical 
part,  I  have  throughout  this  treatise,  closely  followed  the  most 
applauded  originals.  And  to  render  all  complete,  I  have,  with 
much  thought  and  application  of  mind,  so  ordered  that  the  chief 
title  prefixed  to  it,  (I  mean,  that  under  which  I  design  it  shall 
pass  in  the  common  conversations  of  court  and  town,)  is  mod- 
elled exactly  after  the  manner  peculiar  to  our  society. 

I  confess  to  have  been  somewhat  liberal  in  the  business  of 

*  Here  the  author  seems  to  personate  L'Estrange,  Dryden,  and 
some  others  ;  who,  after  having  passed  their  lives  in  vices,  faction,  and 
falsehood,  have  the  impudence  to  talk  of  merit,  and  innocence,  and  suf- 
ferings. 

t  In  King  Charles  II.'s  time,  there  was  an  account  of  a  Presbyte- 
rian plot  found  in  a  tub,  which  then  made  much  noise. 


48  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

titles  ;*  having  observed  the  humour  of  multiplying  them  to 
bear  great  vogue  among  certain  writers,  whom  I  exceedingly 
reverence.  And  indeed,  it  seems  not  unreasonable,  that  books, 
the  children  of  the  brain,  should  have  the  honour  to  be  christ- 
ened with  a  variety  of  names,  as  well  as  other  infants  of  quality. 
Our  famous  Dryden  has  ventured  to  proceed  a  point  farther, 
endeavouring  to  introduce  also  a  multiplicity  of  god-fathers  ;f 
which  is  an  improvement  of  much  more  advantage,  upon  a 
very  obvious  account.  It  is  a  pity  this  admirable  invention 
has  not  been  better  cultivated,  so  as  to  grow  by  this  time  into 
general  imitation,  when  such  an  authority  serves  it  for  a  prece- 
dent. Nor  have  my  endeavours  been  wanting  to  second  so 
useful'an  example  :  but  it  seems,  there  is  an  unhappy  expense 
usually  annexed  to  the  calling  of  a  god-father,  which  was 
clearly  out  of  my  head,  as  it  is  very  reasonable  to  believe. 
Where  the  pinch  lay,  I  cannot  certainly  affirm  ;  but  having 
employed  a  world  of  thoughts  and  pains  to  split  my  treatise 
into  forty  sections,  and  having  entreated  forty  lords  of  my  ac- 
quaintance, that  they  would  do  me  the  honour  to  stand,  they 
all  made  it  matter  of  conscience,  and  sent  me  their  excuses. 

SECTION  II. 

ONCE  upon  a  time,  there  was  a  man  who  had  three  sons  by 
one  wife,J  and  all  at  a  birth  ;  neither  could  the  midwife  tell 
certainly  which  was  the  eldest.  Their  father  died  while  they 
were  young;  and  upon  his  death  bed,  calling  thr  lads  to  him, 
spoke  thus : 

"  Sons,  Because  I  have  purchased  no  estate,  nor  was  bora 
to  any,  I  have  long  considered  of  some  good  legacies  to  be- 
queath you  ;  and  at  last,  with  much  care,  as  well  as  expense, 
have  providid  each  of  you  (here  they  are)  a  new  coat.§  Now, 
/ou  are  to  understand  that  these  coats  have  two  virtues  con- 

[*  The  title  page  in  the  original  was  so  torn,  that  it  was  not  possible 
to  recover  several  titles  which  the  author  here  speaks  of.] 

t  See  Virgil  translated,  &c. 

t  By  these  three  sons,  Peter,  Martin  and  Jack ;  Popery,  and  the 
Church  of  England,  and  our  protestant  Dissenters,  are  designed.— 
VV.  VVottpn. 

$  By  his  coats  which  he  gave  his  sons,  the  garments  of  the  Israel- 
ites.— W.  Wotton. 

An  error,  with  submission,  of  the  learned  commentator:  for  by  the 
coats  are  meant  the  doctrine  and  faith  of  Christianity,  by  the  wisdom 
of  the  divine  Founder  fitted  to  all  times,  places,  and  circumstances. — 
Lambin. 


A  TALE  OP  A  TUB.  49 

tained  in  them.  One  is,  that,  with  good  wearing,  they  will 
last  you  fresh  and  sound  as  long  as  you  live  :  the  other  is,  that 
they  will  grow  in  the  same  proportion  with  your  bodies, 
lengthening  and  widening  of  themselves,  so  as  to  be  always 
fit.  Here,  let  me  see  them  on  you  before  I  die.  So,  very 
well ;  pray,  children,  wear  them  clean,  and  brush  them  often. 
You  will  find  in  my  will*  (here  it  is)  full  instructions  in  every 
particular  concerning  the  wearing  and  management  of  your 
coats;  wherein  you  must  be  very  exact,  to  avoid  the  penalties 
I  have  appointed  for  every  transgression  or  neglect,  upon 
which  your  future  fortunes  will  entirely  depend.  I  have  also 
commanded  in  my  will,  that  you  should  live  together  in  one 
house,  like  brethren  and  friends ;  for  then  you  will  be  sure  to 
thrive,  and  not  otherwise." 

Here  the  story  says,  this  good  father  died,  and  the  three  sons 
went,  altogether,  to  seek  their  fortunes. 

I  shall  not  trouble  you  with  recounting  what  adventures 
they  met  for  the  first  seven  years,  any  farther  than  by  taking 
notice,  that  they  carefully  observed  their  father's  will,  and 
kept  their  coats  in  very  good  order;  that  they  travelled  through 
several  countries,  encountered  a  reasonable  quantity  of  giants, 
and  slew  certain  dragons. 

Being  now  arrived  at  the  proper  age  for  producing  them- 
selves, they  came  up  to  town,  and  fell  in  love  with  the  ladies  ; 
but  especially  three,  who  about  that  time  were  in  chief  repu- 
tation ;  the  Duchess  d'Jlrgent,  Madame  de  Grands  Titres,'^nd 
the  Countess  d' Org-wet/.t  On  their  first  appearance,  our  three 
adventurers  met  with  a  very  bad  reception,  and  soon  with  great 
sagacity  guessing  out  the  reason,  they  quickly  began  to  im-, 
prove  in  the  good  qualities  of  the  town.  They  wrote,  and 
rallied,  and  jjhymed,  and  sung,  and  said,  and  said  nothing/ 
they  drank,  and  fought,  and  whored,  and  slept,  and  swore,  and 
took  snuff;  they  went  to  new  plays  on  the  first  night,  haunted 
the  chocolate  houses,  beat  the  watch,  lay  on  bulks,  and  go< 
claps;  they  bilked  hackney-coachmen,  ran  in  debt  with  shop- 
keepers, and  lay  with  their  wives ;  they  killed  bailiffs,  kicked 
fidlers  down  stairs,  ate  at  Locket's,  loitered  at  Wills';  they 
talked  of  the  drawing-room,  and  never  came  there  ;  dined  with 


*  The  New  Testament. 

t  Their,  mistresses  are,  the  Duchess  d' Argent,  Mademoiselle  de 
Grands  Titrea,  and  the  Countess  d'  Orgueil,  i.  e.  covetousness,  ambi- 
tion, and  pride ;  which  were  the  three  great  vices  that  the  ancient 
fathers  inveighed  against,  as  the  first  corruption  of  Christianity.-— 
W.  Wotton. 

E 


50  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

lords  they  never  saw;  whispered  a  duchess,  and  spoke 
never  a  word ;  exposed  the  scrawls  of  their  laundress  for  bil- 
letdoux  of  quality  ;  came  ever  just  from  court,  and  were  never 
seen  in  it ;  attended  the  levee  sub  dio ;  got  a  list  of  peers  by 
heart  in  one  company,  and  with  great  familiarity  retailed  them 
in  another.  Above  all,  they  constantly  attended  those  commit- 
tees of  senators  who  are  silent  in  the  house,  and  loud  in  the 
coffee-house;  where  they  nightly  adjourn  to  chew  the  cud 
of  politics,  and  are  incompassed  with  a  ring  of  disciples,  who 
lie  in  wait  to  catch  up  their  droppings.  The  three  brothers 
had  acquired  forty  other  qualifications  of  the  like  stamp,  too 
tedious  to  recount ;  and  by  consequence,  were  justly  reckoned 
the  most  accomplished  persons  in  the  town.  But  all  would  not 
suffice,  and  the  ladies  aforesaid  continued  still  inflexible.  To 
clear  up  which  difficulty,  I  must,  with  the  reader's  good  leave 
and  patience,  have  recourse  to  some  points  of  weight,  which 
the  authors  of  that  age  have  not  sufficiently  illustrated. 

For  about  this  time  it  happened,  a  sect  arose  whose  tenets 
obtained  and  spread  very  far,  especially  in  the  grand  monde, 
and  among  every  body  of  good  fashion.*  They  worshipped  a 
sort  of  idol,t  who,  as  their  doctrine  delivered,  did  daily  create 
men,  by  a  kind  of  manufactory  operation.  This  idol  they 
placed  in  the  highest  parts  of  the  house,  on  an  altar,  erected 
about  three  feet.  He  was  shown  in  the  posture  of  a  Persian 
emperor,  sitting  on  a  superficies,  with  his  legs  interwoven 
under  him.  This  god  had  a  goose  for  his  ensign;  whence  it 
is,  that  some  learned  men  pretend  to  deduce  his  original  from 
Jupiter  Capitolinus.  At  his  left  hand,  beneath  the  altar,  hell 
seemed  to  open,  and  catch  at  the  animals  the  idol  was  creating  : 
to  prevent  which,  certain  of  his  priests  hourly  flung  in  pieces  of 
the  uninformed  mass  or  substance,  and  sometime^  whole  limbs 
already  enlivened ;  which  that  horrid  gulph  insatiably  swal- 
lowed, terrible  to  behold.  The  goose  was  also  held  a  subaltern 
divinity,  or  deus  minorum  gentium;  before  whose  shrine  was 
sacrificed  that  creature,  whose  hourly  food  is  human  gore,  and 
who  is  in  so  great  renown  abroad,  for  being  the  delight  and 
favorite  of  the  Egyptian  Cercopithecus.^  Millions  of  these 
animals  were  cruelly  slaughtered  every  day,  to  appease  the 
hunger  of  that  consuming  deity.  The  chief  idol  was  also 
worshipped  as  the  inventor  of  the  yard  and  the  needle  ;  whether 

*  This  is  an  occasional  satire  upon  dress  aiTd  fashion,,  in  erder  to  in- 
troduce what  follows. 

t  By  this  idol  is  meant  a  tailor. 

J  The  Egyptians  worshipped  a  nionkey  ;  which  animal  is  very  fond 
>f  eating  lice,  styled  here  creatures  that  feed  on  human  gore. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  51 

as  the  god  of  seamen,  or  on  account  of  certain  other  mystical 
attributes,  hath  not  been  sufficiently  cleared. 

The  worshippers  of  this  deity  had  also  a  system  of  their 
bplief,  which  seemed  to  turn  upon  the  following  fundamental. 
They  held  the  universe  to  be  a  large  suit  of  clothes,  which  invests 
every  thing  :  That  the  earth  is  invested  by  the  air;  the  air  is 
invested  by  the  stars  ;  and  the  stars  are  invested  by  ihe primum 
mobile.  Look  on  this  globe  of  earth,  you  will  find  it  to  be  a 
very  complete  and  fashionable  dress.  What  is  that  which 
some  call  land,  but  a  tine  coat,  faced  with  green  ?  or  the  sea, 
but  a  waistcoat  of  water-tabby  ?  Proceed  to  the  particular 
works  of  the  creation,  you  will  find  how  curious  journeyman 
nature  hath  been,  to  trim  up  the  vegetable  beaux :  observe 
how  sparkish  a  periwig  adorns  the  head  of  a  beech,  and  what 
a  fine  doublet  of  white  satin  is  worn  by  the  birch.  To  conclude 
from  all,  what  is  man  himself,  but  a  micro  coat;*  or  rather  a 
complete  suit  of  clothes,  with  all  its  trimmings?  As  to  his  body, 
there  can  be  no  dispute.  But  examine  even  the  acquirements 
of  his  mind,  you  will  find  them  all  contribute  in-their  order, 
towards  furnishing  out  an  exact  dress.  To  instance  no  more; 
is  not  religion  a  cloak ;  honesty  a  pair  of  shoes,  worn  out  in 
the  dirt;  self-love  a  surtout;  vanity  a  shirt;  and  conscience  a 
pair  of  breeches,  which,  though  a  cover  for  lewdness  as  well 
as  nastiness,  is  easily  slipt  down  for  the  service  of  both  1 

These  postulata  being  admitted,  it  will  follow  in  due  course 
of  reasoning,  that  those  beings,  which  the  world  calls  impro- 
perly suits  of  clothes,  are  in  reality  the  most  refined  species  of 
animals;  or,  to  proceed  higher,  that  they  are  rational  creatures, 
or  men.  For  is  it  not  manifest,  that  they  live,  and  move,  and 
talk,  and  perform  all  other  offices  of  human  life1?  Are  not 
beauty,  and  wit,  and  mien,  and  breeding,  their  inseparable 
properties  ?  In  short,  we  see  nothing  but  them,  hear  nothing 
but  them.  Is  it  not  they  who  walk  the  streets,  fill  up  parlia- 
ment — ,  coffee  — ,  play  — ,  bawdy  houses  1  It  is  true  indeed, 
that  these  animals,  which  are  vulgarly  called  suits  of  clothes, 
or  dresses,  do  according  to  certain  compositions,  receive  differ- 
ent appellations.  If  one  of  them  be  trimmed  up  with  a  gold 
chain,  and  a  red  gown,  and  a  while  rod,  and  a  great  horse,  it 
is  called  a  Lord  Mayor:  if  certain  ermins  and  furs  be  placed 
in  a  certain  position,  we  style  them  a  judge;  and  so,  an  apt 
conjunction  of  lawn  and  black  satin,  we  entitle  a  bishop. 

Others   of  these  professors,  though  agreeing  in  the  mam 


*  Alluding  to  the  word  microcosm,  or  a  little  world,  aa  man  hath 
been  called  by  philosophers. 


52  A  TALK  OF  A  TUB. 

system,  were  yet  more  refined  upon  certain  branch^  of  if, 
and  held  that  man  was  an  animal  compounded  of  two  dresses, 
the  natural  and  the  celestial  suit;  which  were  the  Lody  and 
the  soul;  that  the  soul  was  the  outward,  and  the  body  the  in- 
ward clothing ;  that  the  latter  was  ex  traduce,  but  the  former 
of  daily  creation  and  circumfusion.  This  last  they  proved  by 
scripture ;  because  in  them  we  live,  and  move,  and  have  our 
being ;  as  likewise  by  philosophy,  because  they  are  all  in  all, 
and  all  in  every  part.  Besides,  said  they,  separate  these  two, 
and  you  will  find  the  body  to  be  only  a  senseless  unsavoury 
carcass.  By  all  which  it  is  manifest,  that  the  outward  dress 
must  needs  be  the  soul. 

To 'this  system  of  religion  were  tagged  several  subaltern 
doctrines,  which  were  entertained  with  great  vogue ;  as,  par- 
ticularly, the  faculties  of  the  mind  were  deduced  by  the  learned 
among  them  in  this  manner.  Embroidery  was  sheer  wit; 
gold  fringe  was  agreeable  conversation ;  gold  lace  was  repartee : 
a  huge  long  periwig  was  humour;  and  a  coat  full  of  powder 
was  very  good  raillery.  All  which  required  abundance  of 
finesse  and  delicatesse  to  manage  with  advantage,  as  well  as  a 
strict  observance  after  times  and  fashions. 

I  have,  with  much  pains  and  reading,  collected  out  of  an- 
cient authors  this  short  summary  of  a  body  of  philosophy  and 
divinity  ;  which  seems  to  have  been  composed  by  a  vein  and 
race  of  thinking,  very  different  from  any  other  systems,  either 
ancient  or  modern.  And  it  was  not  merely  to  entertain  or 
satisfy  the  reader's  curiosity,  but  rather  to  give  him  light  into 
several  circumstances  of  the  following  story  ;  that  knowing 
the  state  of  dispositions  and  opinions  in  an  age  so  remote,  he 
may  better  comprehend  those  great  events  which  were  the 
issue  of  them.  I  advise  therefore  the  courteous  reader,  to 
peruse,  with  a  world  of  application,  again  and  again,  what- 
ever I  have  written  upon  this  matter.  And  so  leaving  these 
broken  ends,  I  carefully  gather  up  the  chief  thread  of  my  story, 
and  proceed. 

These  opinions  therefore  were  so  universal,  as  well  as  the 
practices  of  them,  among  the  refined  part  of  court  and  town, 
that  our  three  brother-adventurers,  as  their  circumstances  then 
stood,  were  strangely  at  a  loss.  For,  on  the  one  side,  ths 
three  ladies  they  addressed  themselves  to,  (whom  we  have 
named  already,)  were  ever  at  the  very  top  of  the  fashion,  and 
abhorred  all  that  were  below  it  but  the  breadth  of  an  hair.  On 
the  other  side,  their  father's  will  was  very  precise ;  and  it  was 
the  main  precept  in  it,  with  the  greatest  penalties  annexed. 
Not  to  add  to,  or  diminish  from  their  coats,  one  thread,  with- 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  53 

out  a  positive  command  in  the  will.  Now,  the  coals  their 
father  had  left  them,  were,  it  is  true,  of  very  gopd  cloth ;  and, 
besides,  so  neatly  sewn,  you  would  swear  they  were  all  of  a 
piece;  but,  at  the  same  time,  very  plain,  and  with  little  or  no 
ornament.*  And  it  happened,  that,  before  they  were  a  month 
in  town,  great  shoulder-knots  came  up  :f  straight  all  the  world 
was  shoulder-knots ;  no  approaching  the  ladies  ruelks,  without 
the  quota  of  shoulder- knots.  "That  fellow  (cries  one)  has  no 
soul;  where  is  his  shoulder-knot?"  Our  three  brethren  soon 
discovered  their  want  by  sad  experience,  meeting  in  their 
walks  \yith  forty  mortifications  and  indignities.  If  they  went 
to  the  play-house,  the  door-keeper  showed  them  into  the 
twelve-penny  gallery  ;  if  they  called  a  boat,  says  a  waterman, 
I  am  first  sculler ;  if  they  stepped  to  the  Rose  to  take  a  bottle, 
the  drawer  would  cry,  Friend,  we  sell  no  ale;  if  they  went  to 
visit  a  lady,  a  footman  met  them  at  the  door,  with  Pray  send 
up  your  message.  In  this  unhappy  case  they  went  immedi- 
ately to  consult  their  father's  will ;  read  it  over  and  over,  but 
not  a  word  of  the  shoulder-knot.  What  should— they  do? 
What  temper  should  fhey  find?  Obedience  was  absolutely 
necessary  ;  and  yet  shoulder-knots  appeared  extremely  re- 
quisite. After  much  thought,  one  of  the  brothers  who  hap- 
pened to  be  more  book-learned  than  the  other  two,  said  he 
had  found  an  expedient.  "It  is  true  (said  he)  there  is  nothing 
here  in  this  will,  totidem  verbis,^  making  mention  of  shoulder- 

*  The  first  part  of  the  Tale  is  the  history  of  Peter  ;  thereby  Popery 
is  exposed  :  every  body  knows  the  Papists  have  made  great  additions 
to  Christianity  ;  that  indeed  is  the  great  exception  which  the  church 
of  England  makes  against  them  ;  accordingly  Peter  begins  his  pranks 
with  adding  a  shoulder-knot  to  his  coat. — VV.  Wotton. 

His  description  of  the  cloth  of  which  the  coat  was  made,  has  a  farther 
meaning  than  the  words  may  seem  to  import :  "  The  coats  their  father 
had  left  them,  were  of  very  good  cloth;  and,  besides,  so  neatly  sewn, 
you  would  swear  they  had  been  all  of  a  piece  :  but,  at  the  same  time, 
very  plain,  with  little  or  no  ornament."  This  is  the  distinguishing 
character  of  the  Christian  religion.  Christiana  religio  absoluta  et  sim- 
plex, was  Ammianus  Marcellinus's  description  of  it,  who  was  him- 
self  a  heathen. — W.  Wotton. 

t  By  this  is  understood  the  first  introducing  of  a  pageantry,  and  un 
necessary  ornaments  in  the  church,  such  as  were  neither  for  conveni- 
ence nor  edification  ;  as  a  shoulder-knot,  in^which  there  is  neither 
symmetry  nor  use. 

t  When  the  Papists  canr.ot  find  any  thing  which  they  want  in 
scripture,  they  go  to  oral  tradition.  Thus  Peter  is  introduced  satisfied 
with  the  tedious  way  of  looking  for  all  the  letters  of  any  word  which 
he  has  occasion  for,  in  the  will ;  when  neither  the  constituent  syllables, 
nor  much  less  the  whole  word,  were  there  in  terminis.-  -VV.  Wotton. 

E2 


64  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

knots;  but  I  dare  conjecture  we  may  find  them  inclusive,  or 
totidem  syllabis."  This  distinction  was  immediately  approved 
by  all;  and  so  they  fell  again  to  examine  the  will.  But  their 
evil  star  had  so  directed  the  matter,  that  the  first  syllable  was 
not  to  be  found  in  the  whole  writing.  Upon  which  disap- 
pointment, he  who  found  the  former  evasion,  took  heart,  and 
said,  "Brothers,  there  is  yet  hopes;  for  though  we  cannot 
find  them  tolidem  verbis,  nor  totidem  syllabis,  1  dare  engage 
we  shall  make  them  out  terlio  modo,  or  totidem  literis."  This 
discovery  was  also  highly  commended  :  upon  which  they  fell 
once  more  to  the  scrutiny,  and  soon  picked  out  S,H,O,U,L,- 
D,E,R ;  when  the  same  planet,  enemy  to  their  repose,  had 
wonderfully  contrived  that  K  was  not  to  be  found.  Here  was 
a  weighty  difficulty !  But  the  distinguishing  brother,  (for 
whom  we  shall  hereafter  find  a  name,)  now  his  hand  was  in, 
proved,  by  a  very  £ood  argument,  that  K  was  a  modern  illegit- 
imate letter,  unknown  to  the  learned  ages,  nor  any  where  to 
be  found  in  ancient  manuscripts.  "  It  is  true  (said  he)  the 
word  Calendai  hath  in  Q.  V.  C.*  f  been  sometimes  wrote  with 
aK,  but  erroneously;  for  in  the  best  copies  it  is  ever  spelt  with 
a  C.  And  by  consequence  it  was  a  gross  mistake  in  our 
language,  to  spell  knot  with  a  K;  but  that  from  henceforward 
he  would  take  care  it  should  be  written  with  a  C."  Upon 
this,  all  farther  difficulty  vanished;  shoulder-knots  were  made 
clearly  out  to  be  Jure  paterno;  and  our  three  gentlemen  swag- 
gered with  as  large  and  as  flaunting  ones  as  the  best. 

But  as  human  happiness  is  of  very  short  duration,  so  in 
those  days  were  human  fashions,  upon  which  it  entirely  de- 
pends. Shoulder-knots  had  their  time;  and  we  must  now 
imagine  them  in  their  decline:  for  :\  certain  lord  came  just 
from  Paris  with  fifty  yards  of  gold-lace  upon  his  coat .  exactly 
trimmed  after  the  court-fashion  of  that  month.  In  two  days, 
all  mankind  appeared  closed  up  in  bars  of  gold-lace  .£  Who- 
ever durst  peep  abroad  without  his  compliment  of  gold-lace, 

was  as  scandalous  as  a ,  and  as  ill   received  among  the 

women.  What  should  our  three  knights  do  in  this  moment- 
ous affair?  They  had  sufficiently  strained  a  point  already, 
in  the  affair  of  shoulder-knots.  Upon  recourse  to  the  will, 
nothing  appeared  there  but  altum  silentium.  That  of  the  shoul- 
der-knots was  a  loose,  flying,  circumstantial  point;  but  this 

[*  Quibusdam  veteribus  cpdicibu*.] 

t  Some  ancient  manuscripts. 

t  I  cannot  tell,  whether  the  author  means  any  new  innovation  by 
this  word,  or  whether  it  be  only  to  introduce  the  new  methods  ot 
forcing  and  perverting  scripture. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  59 

of  gold-lace  seemed  too  considerable  an  alteration,  without 
better  warrant;  it  did  allquo  modo  essenticeadIuErere,and  there- 
fore required  a  positive  precept.  But  about  this  time  it  fell 
out,  that  the  learned  brother  aforesaid  had  read  Jlristotelis 
Dialectica;  and  especially  that  wonderful  piece  de  Interpreta- 
tione,  which  has  the  faculty  of  teaching  its  readers  to  find  out 
a  meaning  in  every  thing  but  itself,  like  commentators  on  the 
Revelations,  who  proceed  prophets  without  understanding  a 
syllable  of  the  text.  "Brothers,  (said  he)  you  are  to  be  in- 
formed, that  of  wills,  duosunt  genera,  nuncupatory  and  scrip- 
tory.  That  in  the  scriptory  will  here  before  us,  there  is  no 
precept  or  mention  about  gold-lace,  conceditur;  but  si  idem 
qffirmetur  de  nuncupatorio,  negatur.  For,  brothers,  if  you  re- 
member, we  heard  a  fellow  say,  when  we  were  boys,  that  he 
heard  my  father's  man  say,  that  he  heard  my  father  say,  that 
he  would  advise  his  sons  to  get  gold-lace  on  their  coats,  as 
soon  as  ever  they  could  procure  money  to  buy  it."  "  By  G— • 
that  is  very  true,"  cries  the  other;  "  I  remember  it  perfectly 
well,"  said  the  third.  And  so,  without  more  ado,  they  got 
the  largest  gold-lace  in  the  parish,  and  walked  about  as  fine  as 
lords. 

A  while  after,  there  came  up  all  in  fashion,  a  pretty  sort  of 
flame-coloured  satin*  for  linings;  and  the  mercer  brought  a 
pattern  of  it  immediately  to  our  three  gentlemen.  "  Ain't 
please  your  Worships,  (said  he,)  My  Lord  C —  and  Sir  J.  W.f 
had  linings  out  of  this  very  piece  last  night.  It  takes  wonder- 
fully ;  and  I  shall  not  have  a  remnant  left,  enough  to  make 
my  wife  a  pin-cushion,  by  to-morrow  morning  at  ten  o'clock." 
Upon  this  they  fell  again  to  rummage  the  will,  because  the 
present  case  also  required  a  positive  precept;  the  lining  being 

*  This  is  purgatory,  whereof  he  speaks  more  particularly  hereafter  ; 
but  here,  only  to  show  how  scripture  was  perverted  to  prove  it ;  which 
was  done,  by  giving  equal  authority,  with  the  canon,  to  Apocrypha, 
called  here  a  codicil  annexed. 

It  is  likely  the  author,  in  every  one  of  these  changes  in  the  brother's 
dresses,  refers  to  some  particular  error  in  the  church  of  Rome ;  though 
it  is  not  easy,  I  think,  to  apply  them  all.  But  by  this  of  flame-coloured 
satin  u  manifestly  intended  purgatory ;  by  gold-lace  may  perhaps  be 
understood  the  lofty  ornaments  and  plate  in  the  churches.  The 
shoulder-knots  and  silver  fringe  are  not  so  obvious,  at  least  to  me. 
But  the  Indian  figures  of  men,  women  and  children,  plairtly  relate  to 
the  pictures  in  the  Romish  churches,  of  God  like  an  old  man,  of  the 
virgin  Mary,  and  our  Saviour  as  a  child. 

t  This  shows  the  time  the  author  writ ;  it  being  about  fourteen 
years  since  those  two  persons  were  reckoned  the  fine  gejatlemen  of 
the  town. 


56  A  TALE  OP  A  TUB. 

held  by  orthodox  writers  to  be  of  the  essence  of  the  coat.  After 
long  search  they  could  fix  up  nothing  to  the  matter  in  hand, 
except  a  short  advice  of  their  father's  in  the  will,  to  take  care 
of  fire,  and  put  out  their  candles  before  they  went  to  sleep.* 
This,  though  a  good  deal  for  the  purpose,  and  helping  very 
far  towards  self-conviction,  yet  not  seeming  wholly  of  force 
to  establish  a  command  ;  and  being  resolved  to  avoid  farther 
scruple,  as  well  as  future  occasion  for  scandal,  says  he  that 
was  the  scholar,  "  I  remember  to  have  read  in  wills,  of  a 
codicil  annexed  ;  which  is  indeed  a  part  of  the  will ;  and  what 
it  contains,  hath  equal  authority  with  the  rest.  Now,  I  have 
been  considering  of  this  same  will  here  before  us ;  and  I  can- 
nol  reckon  it  to  be  complete,  for  want  of  such  a  codicil.  I 
will  therefore  fasten  one  in  its  proper  place  very  dexterously. 
I  have  had  it  by  me  some  time.  It  was  written  by  a  dog- 
keeper  of  my  grandfather's  ;f  and  alks  a  great  deal,  as  good 
luck  would  have  it,  of  this  very  flame-coloured  satin."  The 
project  was  immediately  approved  by  the  other  two  ;  an  old 
parchment  scroll  was  tagged  on  according  to  art,  in  the  form 
of  a  codicil  annexed,  and  the  satin  bought  and  worn. 

Next  winter,  a  player,  hired  for  the  purpose  by  the  corpo- 
ration of  fringe-makers,  acted  his  part  in  a  new  comedy,  all 
covered  with  silver-fringe  ;J  and,  according  to  the  laudable 
custom,  gave  rise  to  that  fashion.  Upon  which,  the  brothers 
consulting  their  father's  will,  to  their  great  astonishment  found 
these  words :  "  Item,  I  charge  and  command  my  said  three 
sons,  to  wear  no  sort  of  silver-fringe  upon  or  about  their  said 
coats,  &,c."  with  a  penalty  in  case  of  disobedience,  too  long 
here  to  insert.  However,  after  some  pause,  the  brother  so 
often  mentioned  for  his  erudition,  who  was  well  skilled  in 
criticisms,  had  found,  in  a  certain  author,  which  he  said  should 
be  nameless,  that  the  same  word,  whfch  in  the  will  is  called 
fringe,  does  also  signify  a  broom-stick,§  and  doubtless  ought 
to  have  the  same  interpretation  in  this  paragraph.  This,  an- 
other of  the  brothers  disliked,  because  of  that  epithet  silver; 
which  could  not,  be  humbly  conceived,  in  propriety  of  speech, 

*  That  is,  to  take  care  of  hell ;  and,  in  order  to  do  that,  to  subdue 
and  extinguish  their  lusts. 

1 1  believe  this  refer%  to  that  part  of  the  Apocrypha  where  mention 
is  made  of  Tobit  and  his  dog. 

J  This  is  certainly  the  farther  introducing  the  pomps  of  habit  and 
ornament. 

_  $  The  next  subject  of  our  author's  wit  is  the  glosses  and  interpreta- 
tions of  scripture,  very  many  absurd  ones  of  which  are  allowed  in  the 
most  authentic  books  of  the  church  of  Rome. — W.  Wotton. 


A  TALE  OP  A  TUB.  5? 

toe  reasonably  applied  to  a  broom-stick.  B  it  it  was  repued 
upon  him,  that  this  epithet  was  understood  in  a  mythological 
and  allegorical  sense.  However,  he  objected  again,  why  their 
father  should  forbid  them  to  wear  a  broom-stick  on  their  coats; 
a  caution  that  seemed  unnacural  and  impertinent.  Upon 
which,  he  was  taken  up  short,  as  one  that  spoke  irreverently 
of  a  mystery  ;  which  doubtless  was  very  useful  and  significant, 
but  ought  not  to  be  over-curiously  pried  into,  or  nicely  reasoned 
upon.  And,  in  short,  their  father's  authority  being  now  con- 
siderably sunk,  this  expedient  was  allowed  to  serve  ?s  a  lawful 
dispensation,  for  wearing  their  full  proportion  of  silver-fringe. 

A  while  after,  was  revived  an  old  fashion,  long  antiquated, 
)f  embroidery,  with  Indian  figures  of  men,  women  and  chil- 
dren.* Here  they  had  no  occasion  to  examine  the  will.  They 
remembered  but  too  well,  how  their  father  had  always  abhor- 
red this  fashion  ;  that  he  made  several  paragraphs  on  purpose, 
importing  his  utter  detestation  of  it,  and  bestowing  his  ever- 
lasting curse  to  his  sons,  whenever  they  should  wear  it.  For 
all  this,  in  a  few  days,  they  appeared  higher  in  the  fashion 
than  any  body  else  in  the  town.  But  they  solved  the  matter, 
by  saying,  that  these  figures  were  not  at'all  the  same  with 
those  that  were  formerly  worn,  and  were  meant  in  the  will. 
Besides,  they  did  not  wear  them  in  that  sense  as  forbidden  by 
their  father,  but  as  they  were  a  commendable  custom,  and  of 
great  use  to  the  public.  That  these  rigorous  clauses  in  the 
will  did  therefore  require  some  allowance,  and  a  favourable 
interpretation,  and  ought  to  be  understood  cum  grano  sails. 

But  fashions  perpetually  altering  in  that  age,  the  scholastic 
brother  grew  weary  of  searching  farther  evasions,  and  solving 
everlasting  contradictions.  Resolved  therefore,  at  all  hazards, 
to  comply  with  the  modes  of  the  world,  they  concerted  matters 
together,  and  agreed  unanimously,  to  lock  up  their  father's 
will  in  a  strong  box,f  brought  out  of  Greece  or  Italy,  I  have 
forgot  which  ;  and  trouble  themselves  no  farther  to  examine 
it,  but  only  refer  to  its  authority  whenever  they  thought  fit 

*  The  images  of  saints,  the  blessed  virgin,  and  our  Saviour,  an  infant. 

Ibid.  Images  in  the  church  of  Rome  give  him  but  too  fair  a  handle, 
The  brothers  remembered,  &c.  The  allegory  here  is  direct. — VV. 
Wotton. 

t  The  Papists  formerly  forbade  the  people  the  use  of  the  scripture 
in  a  vulgar  tongue  ;  Peter  therefore  locks  up  his  father's  will  in  a 
strong  box,  brought  out  of  Greece  or  Italy.  Those  countries  are 
named,  because  me  New  Testament  is  wrtten  in  Greek  ;  and  the 
vulgar  Latin,  which  is  the  authentic  edition  of  the  Bible  in  th« 
church  of  Rome,  is  in  the  language  of  old  Italy. — W.  Wotton. 


58  A  TALK  OF  A  TUB. 

la  consequence  whereof,  a  while  after,  it  grew  a  general  mode 
to  wear  an  infinite  number  of  points,  most  of  them  tagged  with 
silver.  Upon  wiich,  the  scholar  pronounced  ex  cathedra* 
that  points  were  absolutely  jure  paterno  as  they  might  very 
well  remember.  It  is  true  indeed,  the  fashion  prescribed  some- 
what more  than  were  directly  named  in  the  will ;  however  that 
they,  as  heirs  general  of  their  father,  had  power  to  make  and 
add  certain  clauses  for  public  emolument,  though  notdeducible, 
totidem  verbis,  from  the  letter  of  the  will ;  or  else  multa  absurda 
aequerentur.  This  was  understood  for  canonical ;  and  there- 
fore on  the  following  Sunday  they  came  to  church  all  covered 
with  points. 

The  learned  brother,  so  often  mentioned,  was  reckoned  the 
best  scholar  in  all  that  or  the  next  street  to  it;  insomuch  as, 
having  run  something  behind-hand  with  the  world,  he  obtained 
the  favour  from  a  certain  lord,f  to  receive  him  into  his  house, 
and  to  teach  his  children.  A  while  after,  the  lord  died;  and 
he,  by  long  practice  upon  his  father's  will,  found  the  way  of 
contriving  a  deed  of  conveyance  of  that  house  to  himself  and 
his  heirs.  Upon  which  he  took  possession,  turned  the  young 
squires  out,  and  received  his  brothers  in  their  stead. J 


SECTION.  III. 

A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  CRITICS. 

THOUGH  I  have  been  hitherto  as  cautious  as  I  could,  upon 
all  occasions,  most  nicely  to  follow  the-rules  and  methods'  of 

*  The  Popes,  in  their  decretals  and  bulls,  have  given  their  sanction 
10  very  many  gainful  doctrines,  which  are  now  received  in  the  church 
of  Rome,  that  are  not  mentioned  in  scripture,  and  were  unknown  to 
the  primitive  church.  Peter  accordingly  pronounces  ex  cathedra. 
That  points  tagged  with  silver  were  absolutely  jure  paterno;  and  so 
they  wore  them  in  great  numbers. — VV.  Wotton. 

tThis  was  Constantine  the  Great,  from  whom  the  Popes  pretend 
a  donation  of  St.  Peter's  patrimony,  which  they  have  been  never  able 
to  produce. 

1  Ibid.  The  bishops  of  Rome  enjoyed  their  privileges  in  Rome  at 
first  by  the  favour  of  the  emperors,  whom  at  last  they  shut  out  of 
their  own  capital  city,  and  then  forged  a  donation  from  Constantina 
the  Great,  the  better  to  justify  what  they  did.  In  imitaiion  of  this, 
Peter,  "  having  run  something  behind-hand  in  the  world,  obtained 
leave  of  a  certain  lord,  &c." — W.  Wotton. 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  CRITICS.  59 

writing  laid  down  by  the  example  of  our  illustrious  moderns; 
yet  has  the  unhappy  shortness  of  my  memory  led  me  into  an 
error;  from  which  I  must  immediately  extricate  myself,  before 
I  can  decently  pursue  my  principal  subject.  I  confess  with 
shame  it  was  an  unpardonable  omission  to  proceed  so  far  as 
I  have  already  done,  before  I  had  performed  the  due  discourses, 
expostulatory,  supplicatory,  or  deprecatory,  with  my  good 
lords  the  critics.  Towards  some  atonement  for  this  griev- 
ous neglect,  I  do  here  make  humbly  bold  to  present  them  with. 
a  short  account  of  themselves  and  their  art,  by  looking  into 
the  original  and  pedigree  of  the  word,  as  it  is  generally  under- 
stood among  us,  and  considering  the  ancient  and  present  state 
thereof  very  briefly. 

By  the  word  critic,  at  this  day  so  frequent  in  all  conversa- 
tions, there  have  sometimes  been  distinguished  three  very  differ- 
ent species  of  mortal  men,  according  as  I  have  read  in  ancient 
books  and  pamphlets.  For,  first,  by  this  term  were  under- 
stood such  persons  as  invented  or  drew  up  rules  for  themselves 
and  the  world ;  by  observing  which  a  careful  reader  might  be 
able  to  pronounce  upon  the  productions  of  the  learned,  from  his 
tastetoa  truerelish  of  the  sublime  and  theadmirable,and  divide 
every  beauty  of  matter  or  of  style  from  the  corruption  that  apes 
it:'  in  their  common  perusal  of  books,  singling  out  the  errors 
and  defects,  the  nauseous,  the  fulsome,  the  dull,  and  the  im- 
pertinent, with  the  caution  of  a  man  that  walks  through 
Edinburgh  streets  in  a  morning;  who  is  indeed  as  careful  as 
he  can,  to  watch  diligently,  and  spy  out  the  filth  in  his  way ;  not 
that  he  is  curious  to  observe  the  colour  and  complexion  of  the 
ordure,  or  take  its  dimensions,  much  less  to  be  paddling  in,  or 
tasting  it;  but  only  with  a  design  to  come  out  as  cleanly  as  he 
may.  These  men  seem,  though  very  erroneously,  to  have 
understood  the  appellation  of  critic  in  a  literal  sense;  that  one 
principal  part  of  his  office  was  to  praise,  and  acquit;  and  that 
of  a  critic,  who  sets  up  to  read  only  for  an  occasion  of  censure 
and  reproof,  is  a  creature  as  barbarous  as  a  judge  who  should 
take  up  a  resolution  to  hang  all  men  that  came  before  him 
upon  a  trial. 

Again,  by  the  word  critic,  have  been  meant  the  restorers 
of  ancient  learning  from  the  worms,  and  graves,  and  dust  of 
manuscripts. 

Now,  the  races  of  these  two  have  been  for  some  ages  utterly 
extinct;  and  besides,  to  discourse  any  farther  of  them,  would 
not  be  at  all  to  my  purpose. 

The  third  and  noblest  sort,  is  that  of  the  TRUE  CRITIC,  whose 
originial  is  the  most  ancient  of  all.  Every  true  critic  is  a  hero 


60  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

born,  decending  iu  a  direct  line  from  a  celestial  stem, by  Momus 
and  Hybris,  who  begat  Zoilus,  who  begat  Tigellius,  who 
begat  Etcaetera  the  elder,  who  begat  B — tley,  and  Rym-r,  and 
W-tton.  and  Perrault,  and  Dennis,  who  begat  Etcastera  the 
younger. 

And  these  are  the  critics  from  whom  the  commonwealth  of 
learning  has  in  all  ages  received  such  immense  benefits,  that 
the  gratitude  of  their  admirers  placed  their  origin  in  heaven, 
among  those  of  Hercules,  Theseus,  Perseus,  and  other  great 
deservers  of  mankind.  But  heroic  virtue  itself  hath  not  been 
exempt  from  the  obloquy  of  evil  tongues.  For  it  hath  been 
objected,  That  those  ancient  heroes,  famous  for  their  combating 
so  many  giants  and  dragons,  and  robbers,  were  in  their  own 
persons  a  greater  nuisance  to  mankind,  than  any  of  those  mon- 
sters they  subdued ;  and  therefore,  to  render  their  obligations 
more  complete,  when  all  other  vermin  were  destroyed,  should 
in  conscience  have  concluded  with  the  same  justice  upon  them- 
selves; as  Hercules  most  generously  did;  and  hath,  upon  that 
score,  procured  to  himself  more  temples  and  votaries  than  the 
best  of  his  fellows.  For  these  reasons,  I  suppose,  it  is,  why 
some  have  conceived,  it  would  be  very  expedient  for  the  public 
good  of  learning,  that  every  true  critic,  as  soon  as  he  had 
finished  his  task  assigned,  should  immediately  deliver  himself 
up  to  ratsbane,  or  hemp,  or  from  some  convenient  latitude; 
and  that  no  man's  pretensions  to  so  illustrious  a  character 
should  by  any  means  be  received,  before  that  operation  was 
performed. 

Now,  from  this  heavenly  descent  of  criticism,  and  the  close 
analogy  it  bears  to  heroic  virtue,  it  is  easy  to  assign  the  proper 
employment  of  a  true,  ancient,  genuine  critic;  which  is,  to 
travel  through  this  vast  world  of  writings;  to  pursue  and  hunt 
those  monstrous  faults  bred  within  them  ;  to  drag  out  the 
lurking  errors,  like  Cacus  from  his  den ;  to  multiply  them  like 
Hydra's  heads,  and  rake  them  together  like  Augeas's  dung; 
or  else  drive  away  a  sort  of  dangerous  fowl,  who  have  a 
perverse  inclination  to  plunder  the  best  branches  of  the  tree 
of  knowledge;  like  those  Stimphalian  birds  that  eat  up  the 
fruit. 

These  reasonings  will  furnish  us  with  an  adequate  definition 
of  a  true  critic ;  that  he  is  a  discoverer  and  a  collector  of  writer's 
faults.  Which  may  be  farther  put  beyond  dispute  by  the  follow- 
ing demonstration  :  That  whoever  will  examine  the  writings 
in  all  kinds,  wherewith  this  ancient  sect  has  honoured  the 
World,  shall  immediately  find,  from  the  whole  thread  and  lenor 


1  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  CRITICS.  61 

of  them,  that  the  ideas  of  the  authors  have  been  altogether 
conversant  and  taken  up  with  the  faults,  and  blemishes,  and 
oversights,  and  mistakes  of  other  writers;  and  let  the  subject 
treated  on  be  whatever  it  will,  their  imaginations  are  so  entirely 
possessed  and  replete  with  the  defects  of  other  pens,,  that 
the  very  quintessence  of  what  is  bad,  does  of  necessity  distil 
into  their  own;  by  which  means,  the  whole  appears  to  be 
nothing  else  but  an  abstract  of  the  criticisms  themselves  have 
made. 

Having  thus  briefly  considered  the  original  and  office  of  a 
critic,  as  the  word  is  understood  in  its  most  noble  and  univer- 
sal acceptation,  I  proceed  to  refute  the  objections  of  those  who 
argue  from  the  silence  and  pretermission  of  authors  ;  by  which 
they  pretend  to  prove,  that  the  very  art  of  criticism,  as  now 
exercised,  and  by  me  explained,  is  wholly  modern  ;  and  con- 
sequently that  the  critics  of  Great  Britain  and  France  have  no 
title  to  an  original  so  ancient  and  illustrious  as  I  have  deduced. 
Now,  if  I  can  clearly  make  out,  on  the  contrary,  that  the  most 
ancient  writers  have  particularly  described  both  the  person  and 
office  of  a  true  critic  agreeable  to  the  definition  laid  down  by 
me ;  their  grand  objection,  from  the  silence  of  authors,  will 
fall  to  the  ground. 

I  confess  to  have  for  a  long  time  borne  a  part  in  tLis  general 
error;  from  which  I  should  never  have  acquitted  myself,  but 
through  the  assistance  of  our  noble  moderns;  whose  most 
edifying  volumes  I  turn  indefatigably  over  night  and  day,  for 
the  improvement  of  my  mind,  and  the  good  of  my  country. 
These  have  with  unwearied  pains  made  many  useful  searches 
into  the  weak  sides  of  the  ancients,  and  given  us  a  comprehen- 
sive list  of  them.  Besides,  they  have  proved  beyond  contra- 
diction, that  the  very  finest  things,  delivered  of  old,  have  been 
long  since  invented,  and  brought  to  light  by  much  later 
pens;*  and  that  the  noblest  discoveries  those  ancients  ever 
made,  of  art  or  of  nature,  have  all  been  produced  by  the 
transcending  genius  of  the  present  age:  which  clearly  shows 
how  little  merit  those  ancients  can  justly  pretend  to ;  and  takes 
off  that  blind  admiration  paid  them  by  men  in  a  corner,  who 
have  the  unhappiness  of  conversing  loo  little  with  present 
things.  Reflecting  maturely  upon  all  this,  and  taking  in  the 
whole  compass  of  human  nature,  I  easily  concluded,  that  these 
ancients,  highly  sensible  of  their  many  imperfections,  must 
needs  have  endeavoured,  from  some  passages  in  their  works, 
to  obviate,  soften,  or  divert  the  censorious  reader,  by  satire  or 

[*  See  Wotton  of  ancient  and  modern  learning.] 
F 


62  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

panegyric  upon  the  critics,  in  imitation  of  their  master>,  tht 
moderns.  Now  in  the  common  places  of  both  these,*  1  was 
plentifully  instructed,  by  a  long  course  of  useful  study  in  pre- 
faces and  prologues;  and  therefore  immediately  resolved  to 
try  what  I  could  discover  of  either,  by  a  diligent  perusal  ol  the 
most  ancient  writers,  and  especially  those  who  treated  of  the 
earliest  times.  Here  I  found  to  my  great  surprise,  that  al- 
though they  all  entered,  upon  occasion,  into  particular  de- 
scriptions of  the  true  critic,  according  as  they  were  governed 
by  their  fears  or  their  hopes;  yet  whatever  they  touched  of 
that  kind,  was  with  abundance  of  caution,  adventuring  no 
farther  than  mythology  and  hieroglyphic.  This,  I  suppose, 
gave  ground  to  superficial  readers,  for  urging  the  silence  of 
authors,  against  the  antiquity  of  the  true  critic ;  though  the 
types  are  so  apposite,  and  the  applications  so  necessary  and  nat- 
ural, that  it  is  not  easy  to  conceive,  how  any  reader  of  a  mo- 
dern eye  and  taste  could  overlook  them.  1  shall  venture  from 
a  great  number  to  produce  a  few,  which  I  am  very  confident 
will  put  this  question  beyond  dispute. 

It  well  deserves  considering,  that  these  ancient  writers,  in 
treating  enigmatically  upon  the  subject,  have  generally  fixed 
upon  the  very  same  hieroglyph;  varying  only  the  story, 
according  to  their  affections  or  their  wit.  For,  first,  Pausa- 
nius  is  of  opinion,  that  the  perfection  of  writing  correct  was 
entirely  owning  to  the  institution  of  critics;  and  that  he  can 
possibly  mean  no  other  than  the  true  critic,  is,  I  think,  mani- 
fest enough  from  the  following  description.  He  says,f  "  They 
were  a  race  of  men,  who  delighted  to  nibble  at  the  superfluities 
and  excrescences  of  books ;  which  the  learned  at  length  ob- 
serving, took  warning  of  their  own  accord,  to  lop  the  luxuriant, 
the  rotten,  the  dead,  the  sapless,  and  the  overgrown  branches 
from  their  works.  But  now  all  this  he  cunningly  shades  under 
the  following  allegory  :  "  That  the  Nauplians  in  Argia  learn 
ed  the  art  of  pruning  their  vines,  by  observing,  that  when  an 
ASS  had  browsed  upon  one  of  them,  it  throve  the  belter,  and 
bore  fairer  fruit."  But  Herodotus,:f  holding  the  very  same 
hieroglyph,  speaks  much  plainer,  and  almost  in  terminis.  He 
hath  been  so  bold  as  to  tax  the  true  critics  of  ignorance  and 
malice ;  tells  us  openly,  for  I  think  nothing  can  be  plainer, 
that  "  in  the  western  part  of  Lybia  there  were  ASSES  with 
HORNS."  Upon  which  relation  Ctesias$yet  refines,  men- 
tioning the  very  same  animal  about  India,  adding,  "  That 

[*  Satire  and  panegyric  upon  critics.]      [t  Lib. — ]      [t  Lib.  4  ] 
ft  Vide  excerpta  ex  eo  apud  Photium.] 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  CRITICS.  63 

whereas  all  other  ASSES  wanted  a  gall,  these  horned  ones 
were  so  redundant  in  that  part,  that  their  flesh  was  not  to  be 
eaten  because  of  its  extreme  bitterness." 

Now,  the  reason  why  those  ancient  writers  treated  this  sub- 
ject only  by  types  and  figures,  was,  because  they  durst  not 
make  open  attacks  against  a  party  so  potent  and  so  terrible,  as 
the  critics  of  those  ages  were ;  whose  very  voice  was  so  dread- 
ful, that  a  legion  of  authors  would  tremble,  and  drop  their 
pens  at  the  sound  :  for  so  Herodotus  tells  us  expressly  in  ano- 
ther place,*  how  a  "vast  army  of  Scythians  was  put  to  flight 
in  a  panic  terror,  by  the  braying  of  an  ASS."  From  hence  it 
is  conjectured  by  certain  profound  philologers,  that  the  great 
awe  and  reverence  paid  to  a  true  critic  by  the  writers  of  Bri- 
tain, have  been  derived  to  us  from  those  our  Scythian  ancestors. 
In  short,  this  dread  was  so  universal,  that,  in  process  oi  time, 
those  authors  who  had  a  mind  t&  publish  their  sentiments  more 
freely,  in  describing  the  true  critics  of  their  several  ages,  were 
forced  to  leave  off  the  use  of  the  former  hieroglyph,  as  too 
nearly  approaching  the  prototype,  and  invented  other  terms 
instead  thereof,  that  were  more  cautious  and  mystical.  So, 
Diodorus,f  speaking  to  the  same  purpose, 'ventures  no  farther 
than  to  say,  that  "in  the  mountains  of  Helicon  there  grows 
a  certain  weed,  which  bears  a  flower  of  so  damned  a  scent,  as 
to  poison  those  who  offer  to  smell  it."  Lucretius  gives  exactly 
the  same  relation  : 

Est  etiam  in  magnis  Heliconis  montibus  arbos, 
Floris  odore  hominem  retro  consueta  necare.J.     lib.  6. 

But  Ctesias,  whom  we  lately  quoted,  hath  been  a  great  deal 
bolder.  He  had  been  used  with  much  severity  by  the  true 
critics  of  his  own  age,  and  therefore  could  not  forbear  to  leave 
behind  him  at  least  one  deep  mark  of  his  vengence  against  the 
whole  tribe.  His  meaning  is  so  near  the  surface,  that  I  won- 
der how  it  possibly  came  to  be  overlooked  by  those  who  deny 
the  antiquity  of  the  true  critics.  For,  pretending  to  make  a 
description  of  many  strange  animals  about  India,  he  hath  set 
down  these  remarkable  words.  "  Amongst  the  rest,  (says  he,) 
there  is  a  serpent  that  wants  teeth,  and  consequently  cannot 
bite;  but  if  its  vomit  (to  which  it  is  much  addicted)  happens 
to  fall  upon  any  thing,  a  certain  rottenness  or  corruption  ensues. 
These  serpents  are  generally  found  among  the  mountains 

[*  Lib.  4.J          [t  Lib.] 
J  Near  Helicon,  and  round  the  learned  hill, 
Grows  trees,  whose  blossoms  with  their  odour  kill. 


64  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

where  jewels  grow;  and  they  frequently  emit  a  poisonous 
juice ;  whereof  whoever  drinks,  that  person's  brains  fly  out  of 
his  nostrils." 

There  was  also  among  the  ancients  a  sort  of  critic,  not  dis- 
tinguished in  specie  from  the  former,  but  in  growth  or  degree, 
who  seem  to  have  been  only  the  tyro's  or  junior  scholars;  yet, 
because  of  their  differing  employments,  they  are  frequently 
mentioned  as  a  sect  by  themselves.  The  usual  exercise  of 
these  yonger  students  was  to  attend  constantly  at  theatres, 
*nd  learn  to  spy  out  the  worst  parts  of  the  play ;  whereof  they 
were  obliged  carefully  to  take  note,  and  render  a  rational  ac- 
;ount  to  their  tutors.  Flushed  at  these  smaller  sports,  like 
young  wolves,  they  grew  up  in  time  to  be  nimble  and  strong 
fnough  for  hunting  down  large  game.  For  it  hath  been  ob- 
served, both  among  ancients  and  moderns,  that  a  true  critic 
hath  one  quality  in  common  with  a  whore  and  an  alderman, 
never  to  change  his  title  or  his  nature;  that  a  gray  critic  has 
been  certainly  a  green  one,  the  perfections  and  acquirements 
of  his  age  being  only  the  improved  talents  of  his  youth  ;  like 
hemp,  which  some  naturalists  inform  us,  is  bad  for  suffocations, 
though  taken  but  in  the  seed.  I  esteem  the  invention,  or  at 
least  the  refinement  of  prologues,  to  have  been  owing  to  these 
younger  proficients,  of  whom  Terence  makes  frequent  and 
honourable  mention,  under  the  name  ofnudevoli. 

Now,  it  is  certain,  the  institution  of  the  true  critics  was  of 
absolute  necessity  to  the  commonwealth  of  learning.  For  all 
human  actions  seem  to  be  divided  like  Themistocles  and  his 
company  :  one  man  can  fiddle,  and  another  can  make  a  small 
town  a  great  city ;  and  he  that  cannot  do  either  one  or  the 
other,  deserves  to  be  kicked  out  of  the  creation.  The  avoiding 
of  which  penalty,  has  doubtless  given  the  first  birth  to  the 
nation  of  critics;  and  withal,  an  occasion  for  their  secret  de- 
tractors to  report,  that  a  true  critic  is  a  sort  of  mechanic,  set  up 
with  a  stock  and  tools  for  his  trade,  at  as  little  expense  as  a 
tailor ;  and  that  there  is  much  analogy  between  the  utensils 
and  abilities  of  both  ;  that  the  tailor's  hell  is  the  type  of  a 
critic's  common-place-book,  and  his  wit  and  learning  held  forth 
by  the  goose ;  that  it  requires  at  least  as  many  of  these  to  the 
making  up  of  one  scholar,  as  of  the  others  to  the  composition 
of  a  man  ;  that  the  valour  of  both  is  equal,  and  their  weapons 
near  of  a  size.  Much  may  be  said  in  answer  to  these  invid- 
ious reflections;  and  I  can  positively  affirm  the  first  to  be  a 
falsehood  ;  for,  on  the  contrary,  nothing  is  more  certain,  than 
that  it  requires  greater  layings  out,  to  be  free  of  the  critic's 
company,  than  of  any  other  you  can  name.  For,  as  to  be  a 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  CRITICS.  65 

true  beggar,  it  will  cost  the  richest  candidate  every  groat  he 
is  worth  ;  so  before  one  can  commence  a  true  critic,  it  will 
cost  a  man  all  the  good  qualities  of  his  mind  ;  which,  perhaps, 
for  a  less  purchase,  would  be  thought  but  an  indifferent  bar- 
gain. 

Having  thus  amply  proved  the  antiquity  of  criticism,  and 
described  the  primitive  state  of  it ;  I  shall  now  examine  the 
present  condition  of  this  empire,  and  show  how  well  it  agrees 
with  its  ancient  self.  A  certain  author,  whose  works  have 
many  ages  since  been  entirely  lost,  does,  in  his  fifth  book  and 
eighth  chapter,  say  of  critics,  that  "  their  writings  are  the 
mirrors  of  learning."*  This  I  understand  in  a  literal  sense ; 
and  suppose  our  author  must  mean,  that  whoever  designs  to 
be  a  perfect  writer,  must  inspect  into  the  book  of  critics,  and 
correct  his  invention  there  as  in  a  mirror.  Now,  whoever 
considers  that  the  mirrors  of  the  ancients  were  made  of  brass, 
and  five  Mercurio,  may  presently  apply  the  two  principal 
qualifications  of  a  true  modern  critic  ;  and,  consequently,  must 
needs  conclude,  that  these  have  always  been,  and  must  be  for 
ever  the  same.  For  brass  is  an  emblem  of  duration  ;  and, 
when  it  is  skilfully  burnished,  will  cast  reflections  from  its 
own  superficies,  without  any  assistance  of  Mercury  from  be- 
hind. All  the  other  talents  of  a  critic  will  not  require  a  par- 
ticular mention,  being  included,  or  easily  deducible  to  these. 
However,  I  shall  conclude  with  three  maxims,  which  may 
serve  both  as  characteristics  to  distinguish  a  true  modern  critic 
rom  a  pretender,  and  will  be  also  of  admirable  use  to  those 
worthy  spirits  who  engage  in  so  useful  and  honourable  an 
art. 

The  first  is,  That  criticism,  contrary  to  all  other  faculties  of 
the  intellect,  is  ever  held  the  truest  and  best,  when  it  is  the 
very  first  result  of  the  critic's  mind  ;  as  fowlers  reckon  the  first 
aim  for  the  surest,  and  seldom  fail  of  missing  the  mark,  if  they 
stay  not  for  a  second. 

Secondly,  the  true  critics  are  ku  >wn  by  their  talent  of  swarm- 
ing about  the  noblest  writers  ;  to  which  they  are  carried  merely 
by  instinct,  as  a  rat  to  the  best  cheese,  or  a  wasp  to  the  fairest 
fruit.  So  when  the  king  is  on  horseback,  he  is  sure  to  be  the 
dirtiest  person  in  the  company ;  and  they  that  make  their  court 
oest,  are  such  as  bespatter  him  most. 

Lastly,  A  true  critic,  in  the  perusal  of  a  book,  is  like  a  dog 
at  a  feast,  whose  thoughts  and  stomach  are  wholly  set  upon 

[*  A  quotation,  after  the  manner  of  a  great  author. — FwfeBentley'a 
Dissertation,  &c.] 

F3 


66  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

what  the  guests  fling  away,  and  consequently  is  apt  to  snar, 
most  when  there  are  the  fewest  bones. 

Thus  much,  I  think,  is  sufficient  to  serve  by  way  of  address 
to  my  patrons,  the  true  modern  critics ;  and  may  very  well 
atone  for  my  past  silence,  as  well  as  that  which  I  am  like  to 
observe  for  the  future.  I  hope  I  have  deserved  so  well  of  their 
whole  body,  as  to  meet  with  generous  and  tender  usage  at 
their  hands.  Supported  by  which  expectation,  I  go  on  boldly 
to  pursue  those  adventures  already  begun. 


SECTION  IV. 

A    TALE    OF   A    TUB. 

I  HAVE  now,  with  much  pains  and  study,  conducted  the 
reader  to  a  period  where  he  must  expect  to  hear  of  great 
revolutions.  For,  no  sooner  had  our  learned  brother,  so  often 
mentioned,  got  a  warm  house  of  his  ow»  over  his  head,  than 
he  began  to  look  big,  and  take  mightily  upon  him  ;  insomuch 
that  unless  the  gentle  reader,  out  of  his  great  candour,  will 
please  a  little  to  exalt  his  idea,  I  am  afraid  he  will  henceforth 
hardly  know  the  hero  of  the  play,  when  he  happens  to  meet 
him;  his  port,  his  dress,  and  his  mien,  being  so  much  altered. 

He  told  his  brothers,  he  would  have  them  to  know  that  he 
was  their  elder,  and  consequently  his  father's  sole  heir;  nay, 
a  while  after,  he  would  not  allow  them  to  call  him  Brother, 
but  Mr.  Peter:  and  then  he  must  be  styled  Father  Peter:  and 
sometimes,  My  Lord  Peter.  To  support  this  grandeur,  which 
he  soon  began  to  consider  could  not  be  maintained  without  a 
better  fonde  than  what  he  was  born  to;  after  much  thought, 
he  cast  about  at  last  to  turn  projector  and  virtuoso;  wherein 
he  so  well  succeeded,  that  many  famous  discoveries,  projects, 
and  machines,  which  bear  great  vogue  and  practice  at  present 
in  the  world,  are  owing  entirely  to  Lord  Peter's  invention. 
I  will  deduce  the  best  account  I  have  been  able  to  collect  of 
the  chief  amongst  them;  without  considering  much  the  order 
they  came  out  in ;  because,  I  think,  authors  are  not  well  agreed 
as  to  that  point. 

I  hope,  when  this  treatise  of  mine  shall  be  translated  into 
foreign  languages,  (as  I  may  without  vanity  affirm  that  the 
labour  of  collecting,  the  faithfulness  in  recounting,  and  the 
great  usefulness  of  the  matter  to  the  public,  will  amply  desei  ve 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  67 

that  justice,)  that  the  worthy  members  of  the  several  academies 
abroad,  especially  those  of  Prance  and  Italy,  will  favourably 
accept  those  humble  offers  for  the  advancement  of  universal 
knowledge.  I  do  also  advertise  the  most  reverend  fathers  the 
eastern  missionaries,  that  I  have  purely  for  their  sakes  made 
use  of  such  words  and  phtases,  as  will  best  admit  an  easy  turn 
into  any  of  the  oriental  languages,  especially  the  Chinese. 
And  so  I  proceed  with  great  content  of  mind,  upon  reflecting 
how  much  emolument  this  whole  globe  of  earth  is  like  to  reap 
by  my  labours. 

The  first  undertaking  of  Lord  Peter  was,  to  purchase  a  large 
continent,*  lately  said  to  have  been  discovered  in  terra  australis 
incognita.  This  track  of  land  he  bought  at  a  very  great  penny- 
worth from  the  discoverers  themselves,  (though  some  pretended 
to  doubt  whether  they  had  ever  been  there;)  and  then  retailed 
it  into  several  cantons  to  certain  dealers,  who  carried  over 
colonies,  but  were  all  shipwrecked  in  the  voyage.  Upon  which 
Lord  Peter  sold  the  said  continent  to  other  customers  again, 
and  again,  and  again,  and  again,  with  the  same  success. 

The  second  project  I  shall  mention,  was  his  sovereign 
remedy  for  the  wormsf  especially  those  in  the  spleen.  The 
patient  was  to  eat  nothing  after  supper  for  three  nights.J  As 
soon  as  he  went  to  bed,  he  was  carefully  to  lie  on  one  side ; 
and  when  he  grew  weary,  to  turn  upon  the  other.  He  must 
also  duly  confine  his  two  eyes  to  the  same  object;  and  by  no 
means  break  wind  at  both  ends  together,  without  manifest 
occasion.  These  prescriptions,  diligently  observed,  the  worms 
would  void  insensibly  by  perspiration,  ascending  through  the 
brain. 

A  third  invention  was  the  erecting  of  a  whispering-office,§ 
for  the  public  good  and  ease  of  all  such  as  are  hypochondriacal, 
or  troubled  with  the  colic;  as  likewise  of  all  eves-droppers 
physicians,  midwives,   small   politicians,  friends   fallen-put, 
repeating  poets,  lovers,  happy,  or  in  despair,  bawds,  privy- 


*  That  is,  purgatory. 

t  Penance  and  absolution  are  played  upon,  under  the  notion  of  a 
sovereign  remedy  for  the  worms,  especally  in  the  spleen;  which,. by 
observing  Peter's  prescription,  would  void  insensibly  by  perspiration, 
ascending  through  the  brain,  &c. — W.  Wotton. 

t  Here  the  author  ridicules  the  penances  of  the  church  of  Rome  ; 
which  may  be  made  as  easy  as  the  sinner  pleases,  provided  he  wil; 
pay  for  them  accordingly. 

$  By  his  whispering-office,  for  the  relief  of  eves-droppers,  physicians, 
bawds,  and  privy-counsellors,  he  ridicules  auricular  confession,  and 
the  priest  who  takes  it  is  described  by  the  ass's  head.— W.  Wotton. 


88  A  TALE  OP   4.  TUB. 

counsellors,  pages,  parasites,  and  buffoons  ;  in  short,  of  all  such 
as  are  in  danger  of  bursting  with  too  much  wind.  An  ass's 
head  was  placed  so  conveniently  that  the  party  affected  might 
easily  with  his  mouth  accost  either  of  the  animal's  ears  ;  which 
he  was  to  apply  close  for  a  certain  space,  and,  by  a  fugitive 
faculty,  peculiar  to  the  ears  of  that  animal,  receive  immediate 
benefit,  either  by  eructation,  or  expiration,  or  evomition. 

Another  very  beneficial  project  of  Lord  Peter's  was,  an  office 
of  insurance,*  for  tobacco-pipes,  martyrs  of  the  modern  zeal; 
volumes  of  poetry,  shadows,  -  —  --  and  rivers; 
that  these,  nor  of  any  these,  shall  receive  damage  by  fire.  From 
whence  our  friendly  societies  may  plainly  find  themselves  to 
be  only  transcribers  from  this  original;  though  the  one  and  the 
other  have  been  of  great  benefit  to  the  undertakers,  as  well  as 
of  equal  to  the  public. 

Lord  Peter  was  also  held  the  original  author  of  puppets  and 
raree-shows  ;f  the  great  usefulness  whereof  being  so  generally 
known,  I  shall  not  enlarge  father  upon  this  particular. 

But  .another  discovery  for  which  he  was  much  renowned, 
was  his  famous  universal  pickle.J  For,  having  remarked  how 
your  common  pickle,§  in  use  among  housewives,  was  of  no  far- 
ther benefit  than  to  preserve  dead  flesh,  and  certain  kind  of  vege- 
tables ;  Peter,  with  great  cost,  as  well  as  art,  had  contrived  a 
pickle,  proper  for  houses,  gardens,  towns,  men,  women,  child- 
ren, and  cattle,  wherein  he  could  preserve  them  as  sound  as 
insects  in  amber.  Now  this  pickle,  to  the  taste,  the  smell,  and 
the  sight,  appeared  exactly  the  same  with  what  is  in  common 
service  for  beef,  and  buttei,  and  herrings,  and  has  been  often 
that  way  applied  with  great  success;  but  for  its  many  sover- 
eign virtues  was  quite  a  different  thing.  For  Peter  would  put 
in  a  certain  quantity  of  his  powder  pimperlin-pimp,||  after 


*  This  I  take  to  be  the  office  of  Indulgences  ;  the  gross  abuses 
whereof  first  gave  occasion  for  the  Reformation. 

I  1  believe  are  the  monkeries  and  the  ridiculous  processions,  &c. 
among  the  Papists. 

t  Holy  water  he  calls,  an  universal  pickle,  to  preserve  houses,  gar- 
dens, towns,  men,  women,  children,  and  cattle  ;  wherein  he  could 
preserve  them  as  sound  as  insects  in  amber.  —  W.  Wotton. 

$  This  is  easily  understood  to  be  holy  water,  composed  of  the  same 
ingredients  with  many  other  pickles. 

II  And  because  holy  water  differs  only  in  consecration  from  common 
water,  therefore  he  tells  us,  that  his  pickles,  by  the  powder  of  pimper- 
lin-pimp,  receives  new  virtues,  though  it  differs  not  in  sight  nor  smell, 
from  the  common  pickles,  which  preserves  beef,  and  butter,  and  her 
rings.  —  W.  Wotton. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  69 

wi  ell  k  never  failed  of  success.*  The  operation  was  per- 
iort  «d  by  spar gef action,*  in  a  proper  time  of  the  moon. 
Tht  Calient  who  was  to  be  pickled,  if  it  were  a  house,  would 
infa.  fbly  be  preserved  from  all  spiders,  rats,  and  weazels  ; 
if  ttu  party  affected  were  a  dog,  he  should  be  exempt  from 
man§>?,  ind  madness,  and  hunger.  It  also  infallibly  took 
away  aU  .scabs  and  lice,  and  scalded"  heads  from  children ; 
never  N.;ti(Jering  the  patient  from  any  duty,  either  at  bed  or 
board. 

But  of  all  Peter's  rarities,  he  most  valued  a  certain  set  of 
bulls, |  whose  rac*  was  by  great  fortune  preserved  in  a  lineal 
descent  from  those  that  guarded  the  golden  fleece  :  though  some, 
who  pretended  to  observe  them  curiously,  doubted  the  breed 
had  not  been  kept  entirely  chaste ;  because  they  had  degene- 
rated from  their  sncestors  in  some  qualities,  and  had  acquired 
others  very  extraordinary,  but  a  foreign  mixture.  The  bulls 
of  Colchos  are  recorded  to  have  brazen  feet.  But  whether  it 
happened  by  ill  pasture  and  running,  by  an  alloy  from  inter- 
vention of  other  parents,  from  stolen  intrigues ;  whether  a 
weakness  in  their  progenitors  had  impaired  the  seminal  virtue, 
or  by  a  decline  necessary  through  a  long  course  of  time,  the 
originals  of  nature  being  depraved  in  these  latter  sinful  ages 
of  the  world  :  whatever  was  the  cause,  it  is  certain  that  Lord 
Peter's  bulls  were  extremely  vitiated  by  the  rust  of  time  in  the 
metal  of  their  feet,  which  was  now  sunk  into  common  lead. 
However,  the  terrible  roaring,  peculiar  to  their  lineage,  was 
preserved ;  as  likewise  that  faculty  of  breathing  out  tire  from 
their  nostrils ;  which  notwithstanding  many  of  their  detractors 
took  to  be  a  feat  of  art,  and  to  be  nothing  so  terrible  as  it  ap- 
peared ;  proceeding  only  from  their  usual  course  of  diet,  which 
was  of  squibs  and  crackers,:}:  However,  they  had  two  peculiar 
marks  which  extremely  distinguished  them  from  the  bulls  of 
Jason,  and  which  I  have  not  met  together  in  the  description 
of  any  other  monster,  besides  that  in  Horace, 

Varias  inducere  plumas  ;  and 
Atrum  desinit  in  piscem. 

*  Sprinkling. 

t  The  Papal  bulls  are  ridiculed  by  name  ;  so  that  here  we  are  at  no 
loss  for  the  author's  meaning. — W.  Wotton. 

Ibid.  Here  the  author  has  kept  the  name,  and  means  the  Pope's 
bulls,  or  rather  his  fulminations,  and  excommunications  of  heretical 
princes ;  all  signed  with  lead,  and  the  seal  of  the  fisherman ;  and  are 
therefore  said  to  have  leaden  feet  and  fishes'  tails. 

t  These  are  the  fulminations  of  the  Pope,  threatening  bell  and  dam 
nation  to  those  princes  who  offend  him. 


70  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

For  thsse  had  fishes'  tails  ;  yet,  upon  occasion  could  outfly 
any  bird  in  the  air.  Peter  put  these  bulls  upon  several  employs. 
Sometimes  he  would  set  them  a  roaring,  to  frighten  naughty 
boys,*  and  make  them  quiet.  Sometimes  he  would  send  them 
out  upon  errands  of  great  importance  ;  where  it  is  wonderful 
to  recount,  and  perhaps  the  cautious  reader  may  think  much 
to  believe  it;  an  appetitus  sensibilis,  deriving  itself  through  the 
whole  family,  from  their  noble  ancestors,  guardians  of  the 
golden  fleece;  they  continued  so  extremely  fond  of  gold,  that 
if  Peter  sent  them  abroad,  though  it  were  only  upon  a  com- 
pliment, they  would  roar,  and  spit,  and  belch,  and  piss,  and 
fart,  and  snivel  out  fire,  and  keep  a  perpetual  coil,  till  you 
flung  them  a  bit  of  gold ;  but  then,  pulverit  exigui  jactu,  they 
would  grow  calm  and  quiet  as  lambs.  In  short,  whether  by 
secret  connivance,  or  encouragement  from  their  master,  or  .out 
of  their  own  liquorish  affection  to  gold,  or  both;  it  is  certain 
they  were  no  better  than  a  sort  of  sturdy,  swaggering  beggars; 
and  where  they  could  not  prevail  to  get  an  alms,  would  make 
women  miscarry,  and  children  fall  into  fits ;  who,  to  this  very 
day,  usually  call  spirits  and  hobgoblins  by  the  name  of  bull- 
beggars.  They  grew  at  last  so  very  troublesome  to  the  neigh- 
bourhood, that  some  gentlemen  of  the  north-west  got  a  parcel 
of  right  English  bull-dogs,  and  baited  them  so  terribly,  that 
they  felt  it  ever  after. 

I  must  needs  mention  one  more  of  Lord  Peter's  projects, 
which  was  very  extraordinary,  and  discovered  him  to  be  mas- 
ter of  a  high  reach  and  profound  invention.  Whenever  it 
happened  that  any  rogue  of  Newgate  was  condemned  to  be 
hanged,  Peter  would  offer  him  a  pardon  for  a  certain  sum  of 
money  :  which,  when  the  poor  caitiff  had  made  all  shifts  to 
scrape  up  and  send,  his  lordship  would  return  a  piece  of 
paper  in  this  form.f  ' 

To  all  Mayors,  Sheriffs,  Jailers,  Constables,  Bailiffs,  Hang- 
men, &c.  Whereas  we  are  informed  that  A.  B.  remains  in 
the  hands  of  you,  or  any  of  you,  under  the  sentence  of  death  ; 
\ve  will  and  command  you,  upon  sight  hereof,  to  let  the  said 
prisoner  depart  to  his  own  habitation,  whether  he  stands  con- 
demned for  murder,  sodomy,  rape,  sacrilege,  incest,  treason, 
blasphemy,  &.C.;  for  which  this  shall  be  your  sufficient  war- 


*  That  is,  kings  who  incur  his  displeasure, 
t  This  is  a  copy  of  a  general  pardon,  signed  Servus  Servorum. 
Ibid.  Absolution  in  articulo  mortis,  and  thu  tax  camera  apostclica 
•re  jested  upon  in  Emperor  Peter's  letter. — W.  Wotton. 


A  :  VLE  OF  A  TUB.  71 

rant.     And  if  you  fail  hereof,  G — d — mn  you  and  your's  lo 
all  eternity.     And  so  we  bid  you  heartily  farewell. 
Your  most  humble 
Man's  Man, 

EMPEROR  PETER." 

The  wretches  trusting  to  this,  lost  their  lives  and  money 
too. 

I  desire  of  those  whom  the  learned  among  posterity  will  ap- 
point for  commentators  upon  this  elaborate  treatise,  that  they 
will  proceed  with  great  caution  upon  certain  dark  points, 
wherein  all  who  are  not  vere  adepti,  may  be  in  danger  to  form 
rash  and  hasty  conclusions ;  especially  in  some  mysterious 
paragraphs,  where  certain  arcana  are  joined  for  brevity's  sake, 
which  in  the  operation  must  be  divided.  And  1  am  certain, 
that  future  sons  of  art  will  return  large  thanks  to  my  memory, 
for  so  grateful,  so  useful  an  inuendo. 

It  will  be  no  difficult  part  to  persuade  the  reader,  that  so 
many  worthy  discoveries  met  with  great  success  in  the  world  j 
though  I  may  justly  assure  him,  that  I  have  related  much  the 
smallest  number :  my  design  having  been  only  to  single  out 
such  as  will  be  of  most  benefit  for  public  imitation,  or  which 
best  served  to  give  some  idea  of  the  reach  and  wit  of  the  in- 
ventor. And  therefore  it  need  not  be  wondered,  if  by  this 
time  Lord  Peter  was  become  exceeding  rich.  But,  alas!  he 
had  kept  his  brain  so  long  and  so  violently  upon  the  rack,  that 
at  last  it  shook  itself,  and  began  to  turn  round  for  a  little  ease. 
In  -short,  what  with  pride,  projects,  and  knavery,  poor  Peter 
was  grown  distracted,  and  conceived  the  strangest  imaginations 
in  the  world.  In  the  height  of  his  fits  (as  it  is  usual  with 
those  who  run  mad  out  of  pride)  he  would  call  himself  God 
Almighty,*  and  sometimes  monarch  of  the  universe.  I  have 
seen  him  (says  my  author)  take  three  old  high  crowned  hats,f 
and  clap  them  all  on  his  head,  three  story  high,  with  a  huge 
bunch  of  keys  at  his  girdle, J  and  an  angling-rod  in  his  hand. 
In  which  guise,  whoever  went  to  take  him  by  the  hand,  in 
the  way  of  salutation,  Peter,  with  much  grace,  like  a  well- 

*  The  Pope  is  not  only  allowed  to  be  the  Vicar  of  Christ,  but  by 
several  divines  is  called  God  upon  earth,  and  other  blasphemous  titles. 

t  The  triple  crown. 

t  The  keys  of  the  church.  The  church  here  is  taken  for  the  gate 
of  heavei.;  for  the  keys  of  heaven  are  assumed  by  the  Pope  in  conse- 
quence what  our  Lord  said  to  Peter,  "  I  will  give  unto  thee  the  keys 
of  the  kingdom  of  heaven." 

Ibid.  The  Pope's  universal  monarchy,  and  hi»  triple  crown,  and 
fisher's  ring. — W.  Wotton. 


78  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

educated  spaniel,  would  present  them  with  his  foot;*  and  if 
they  refused  his  civility,  then  he  would  raise  it  as  high  as 
their  chops,  and  give  them  a  damned  kick  in  the  mouth  ; 
which  hath  ever  since  been  called  a  salute.  Whoever  walked 
by,  without  paying  him  their  compliments,  having  a  wonder- 
ful strong  breath,  he  would  blow  their  hats  off  into  the  dirt. 
Mean  time  his  affairs  at  home  went  upside  down,  and  his  two 
brothers  had  a  wretched  time ;  where  his  t.rst  iowtadef  was  to 
kick  both  their  wives  one  morning  out  of  doors,  and  his  own 
too  ;J  and  in  their  stead,  gave  orders  to  pick  up  the  first  three 
strollers  that  could  be  met  with  in  the  streets.  A  while  after, 
he  nailed  up  the  cellar-door;  and  would  not  a'low  his  broth- 
ers a  drop  of  drink  to  their  victuals. ||  Dining  one  day  at  an 
alderman's  in  the  city,  Peter  observed  him  expatiating  after 
the  manner  of  his  brethren,  in  the  praises  of  his  sirloin  of  beef. 
"  Beef,  (said  the  sage  magistrate,)  is  the  king  of  meat :  beef 
comprehends  in  it  the  quintessence  of  partridge,  and  quail, 
and  venison,  and  pheasant,  and  plum-pudding,  and  custard." 
When  Peter  came  home,  he  would  needs  take  the  fancy  of 
cooking  up  this  doctrine  into  use,  and  apply  the  precept,  in 
default  of  a  sirloin,  to  his  brown  loaf.  "  Bread,  (says  he,) 
dear  brothers,  is  the  staff  of  life;  in  which  bread  is  contained, 
inclusive,  the  quintessence  of  beef,  mutton,  veal,  venison, 
partridge,  plum-pudding,  and  custard  :  and  to  render  all  com- 
plete, there  is  intermingled  a  due  quantity  of  water,  whose 
crudities  are  also  corrected  by  yeast  or  barm  ;  through  which 
means  it  becomes  a  wholesome  fermented  liquor  diffused 
through  the  mass  of  the  bread."  Upon  the  strength  of  these 
conclusions,  next  day  at  dinner  was  the  brown  loaf  served  up 
in  all  the  formality  of  a  city  feast.  "  Come,  brothers,  (said 
Peter,)  fall  to,  and  spare  not;  here  is  excellent  good  mutton  :§ 
or  hold,  now  my  hand  is  in,  I'll  help  you."  At  which  word, 

*  Neither  does  his  arrogant  way  of  requiring  men  to  kiss  his  slipper 
escape  reflection. — W.  Wottpn. 

t  This  word  properly  signifies  a  sudden  jerk,  or  lash  of  an  horse, 
when  you  dp  not  expect  it. 

t  The  celibacy  of  the  Romish  clergy  is  struck  at  in  Peter's  beating 
his  own  and  brothers'  wives  out  of  doors. — W.  Wotton. 

II  The  Pope's  refusing  the  cup  to  the  laity,  persuading  them  that  the 
blood  is  contained  in  the  bread,  and  that  the  bread  is  the  real  and  entire 
body  of  Christ. 

$  Transubstantiation.  Peter  turns  his  bread  into  mutton,  and,  ac- 
cording to  the  Popish  doctrine  of  concomitants,  his  wine  too ;  which. 
in  his  way,  (he  calls,)  palming  his  dajaned  crusts  upon  the  brother* 
for  mutton. — W,  Wotton. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  73 

in  much  ceremony,  with  fork  and  knife,  he  carves  out  two 
good  slices  of  a  loaf,  and  presents  each  on  a  plate  to  h is  broth- 
ers.  The  elder  of  the  two,  not  suddenly  entering  into  Lord 
Peter's  conceit,  began  with  very  civil  language  to  examine 
the  mystery.  "  My  lord,  (said  he,)  I  doubt  with  grea*  sub- 
mission, there  may  be  some  mistake."  "  What,  (says  Peter,) 
you  are  pleasant ;  come  then,  let  us  hear  this  jest  your  head 
is  so  big  with."  "None  in  the  world,  my  lord ;  but  unless  I 
am  very  much  deceived,  your  lordship  was  pleased  a  while 
ago,  to  let  fall  a  word  about  mutton,  and  I  would  be  glad  to 
see  it  with  all  my  hear;."  "  How,  (said  Peter,)  appearing 
in  great  surprise,  I  do  not  comprehend  this  at  all." — Upon 
which  the  younger  interposing  to  set  tne  business  aright, 
"  JVTy  lord,  (said  he,)  my  brother  I  suppose  is  hungry,  and 
longs  for  the  mutton  your  lordship  hath  promised  us  to  din- 
ner." "  Pray,  (said  Peter,)  take  me  along  with  you.  Either 
you  are  both  mad,  or  disposed  to  be  merrier  than  I  approve 
of.  If  you  there  do  not  like  your  piece,  I  will  carve  you  an- 
other, though  I  should  take  that  to  be  the  choice  bit  of  the 
whole  shoulder."  "What  then,  my  ford,  (replied  the  first,) 
it  seems  this  is  a  shoulder  of  mutton  all  this  while."  "  Pray, 
Sir,  (says  Peter,)  eat  your  victuals,  and  leave  off  your  im- 
pertinence, if  you  please ;  for  I  am  not  disposed  to  relish  it  at 
present."  But  the  other  could  not  forbear,  being  over-provoked 
at  the  affected  seriousness  of  Peter's  countenance.  "  By  G — , 
my  lord,  (said  he,)  I  can  only  say,  that  to  my  eyes,  and  fingers, 
and  teeth,  and  nose,  it  seems  to  be  nothing  but  a  crust  of  bread." 
Upon  which  the  second  put  in  his  word  :  "  I  never  saw  a 
piece  of  mutton  in  my  life,  so  nearly  resembling  a. slice  from 
a  twelve-penny  loaf."  "Look  ye,  gentlemen,  (cries  Peter  in 
a  rage,)  to  convince  you,  what  a  couple  of  blind,  positive, 
ignorant,  wilful  puppies  you  are,  I  will  use  but  this  plain  ar- 
gument:  By  G — ,  it  is  true,  good,  natural  mutton  as  any  in 
Leaden-hall  market;  and  G —  confound  you  both  eternally, 
if  you  offer  to  believe  otherwise."  Such  a  thundering  proof 
as  this,  left  no  further  room  for  objection.  The  two  unbelievers 
began  to  gather  and  pocket  up  their  mistake  as  hastily  as  they 
could.  "  Why,  truly,  (said  the  first,)  upon  more  mature 
consideration" — "Aye,says  the  other, (interrupting  him,)  now 
I  have  thought  better  on  the  thing,  your  lordship  seems  to 
have  a  great  deal  of  reason."  "  Very  well,  (said  Peter.)  Here 
boy,  fill  me  a  beer-glass  of  claret ;  here's  to  you  both  with  all 
my  heart."  The  two  brethren  much  delighted  to  see  him  sc 
readily  appeased,  returned  their  most  humble  thanks,  and  said 
they  would  be  glad  to  pledge  his  lordship.  "  That  you  shall, 

G 


74  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

(said  Peter.)  I  am  not  a  person  to  refuse  you  any  thing  that 
is  reasonable.  Wine  moderately  taken,  is  a  cordial.  Here  is 
a  glass  a-piece  for  you  ;  it  is  true  natural  juice  from  the  grape, ' 
none  of  your  damned  vintner's  brewings."  Having  spoke  thus, 
he  presented  to  each  of  them  another  large  dry  crust,  bidding 
them  drink  it  off,  and  not  be  bashful ;  for  it  would  do  them  no 
hurt.  The  two  brothers,  after  having  performed  the  usual 
office,  in  such  delicate  conjunctures,  of  staring  a  sufficient 
period  at  Lord  Peter,  and  each  other,  and  finding  how  matters 
were  like  to  go,  resolved  not  to  enter  on  a  new  dispute,  but  let 
him  carry  the  point  as  he  pleased  :  for  he  was  now  got  into 
one  of  his  mad  fits;  and  to  argue  or  expostulate  further,  would 
only  serve  to  render  him  a  hundred  times  more  untractable. 

I  have  chosen  to  relate  this  worthy  matter  in  all  its  circum- 
stances ;  because  it  gave  a  principal  occasion  to  that  great  and 
famous  rupture,*  which  happened  about  the  same  time  among 
these  brethern,  and  was  never  afterwards  made  up.  But  of 
that  I  shall  treat  at  large  in  another  section. 

However,  it  is  certain,  that  Lord  Peter,  even  in  his  lucid  in- 
tervals, was  very  lewdly  given  in  his  common  conversation, 
extreme  wilful  and  positive;  and  would  at  anytime  rather 
argue  to  the  death,  than  allow  himself  to  be  once  in  an  error. 
Besides,  he  had  an  abominable  faculty  of  telling  huge  palpa- 
ble lies  upon  all  occasions ;  and  swearing  not  only  to  the  truth, 
but  cursing  the  whole  company  to  hell,  if  they  pretended  to 
make  the  least  scruple  of  believing  him.  One  time  he  swore 
he  had  a  cow  at  home,  which  gave  as  much  milk  at  a  meal 
as  would  fill  three  thousand  churches  ;  and  what  was  yet  more 
extraordinary,  would  never  turn  sour.-f  Another  time  he  was 
telling  of  an  old  sign-post^  that  belonged  to  his  father,  with 
nails  and  timber  enough  on  it  to  build  sixteen  large  men  of  war. 
Talking  one  day  of  Chinese  wagons,  which  were  made  so 
light  as  to  sail  over  mountains  :  "  Z — ds,  (said  Peter,)  where's 
the  wonder  of  that7?  By  G — ,  I  saw  a  large  house  of  lime  and 
stone  travel  over  sea  and  land  (granting  that  it  stopped  some- 
times to  bait)  above  two  thousand  German  leagues."^  And 

*  By  this  rupture  is  meant  the  Reformation. 

t  The  ridiculous  multiplying  of  the  Virgin  Mary's  milk  among  the 
Papists,  under  the  allegory  ol  a  cow,  which  gave  as  much  milk  at  a 
meal  as  would  fill  three  thousand  churches. — VV.  Wotton. 

I  By  this  sign-post  is  meant  the  cross  of  our  blessed  Saviour;  and 
if  all  the  wood  that  is  shown  for  parts  of  it,  was  collected,  the  quantity 
would  sufficiently  justify  this  sarcasm. 

$  The  chapel  of  Loretto.  He  falls  here  only  upon  the  ridiculous 
inventions  of  Fopery.  The  church  of  Rome  intended  by  these  things 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  75 

that  which  was  the  good  of  it,  he  would  swear  desperately  all 
the  while,  that  he  never  told  a  lie  in  his  life;  and  at  every 
word,  "  By  G — ,  gentlemen,  I  tell  you  nothing  but  the  truth; 
and  the  d — 1  broil  them  eternaHy  that  will  not  believe  me." 

In  short,  Peter  grew  so  scandalous,  that  all  the  neighbour- 
hood began  in  plain  words  to  say,  he  was  no  better  than  a 
knave.  And  his  two  brothers,  long  weary  of  his  ill  usage, 
resolved  at  last  to  leave  him.  But  first  they  humbly  desired  a 
copy  of  their  father's  will,  which  had  now  lain  by  neglected  time 
out  of  mind.  Instead  of  granting  this  request,  he  called  them 
damned  sons  of  whores,  rogues,  traitors,  and  the  rest  of  the 
vile  names  he  could  muster  up.  However,  while  he  was 
abroad  one  day  upon  his  projects,  the  two  youngsters  watched 
their  opportunity,  made  a  shift  to  come  at  the  will,  and  took  a 
copia  vera;*  by  which  they  presently  saw  how  grossly  they 
had  been  abused  ;  their  father  having  left  them  equal  heirs,  and 
strictly  commanded,  that  whatever  they  got,  should  lie  in  com- 
mon among  them  all.  Pursuant  to  which,  their  next  enterprise 
was,  to  break  open  the  cellar-door,  and  get  a  little  good  drink, 
to  spirit  and  comfort  their  hearts.f  In  copying  the  will,  they 
had  met  another  precept  against  whoring,  divorce,  and  sepa- 
rate maintenance :  upon  which  their  next  work  was,  to  discard 
their  concubines,  and  send  for  their  wives.:}:  Whilst  all  this.' 
was  in  agitation,  there  enters  a  solicitor  from  Newgate,  desiring 
Lord  Peter  would  please  to  procure  a  pardon  for  a  thief  that 
was  to  be  hanged  to-morrow.  But  the  two  brothers  told  him, 
he  was  a  coxcomb  to  seek  pardons  from  a  fellow  who  deserved 
to  be  hanged  much  better  than  his  client;  and  discovered  all 
the  method  of  that  imposture,  in  the  same  form  I  delivered  it 
a  while  ago;  advising  the  solicitor  to  put  his  friend  upon 
obtaining  a  pardon  from  the  king.$  In  the  midst  of  all  this 
clutter  and  revolution,  in  comes  Peter  with  a  file  of  dragoons 


to  gull  siJly  superstitious  people,  and  rook  them  of  their  money.  Th« 
world  had  been  too  long  in  slavery,  but  our  ancestors  gloriously  re- 
deemed us  from  i hat  yoke.  The  church  of  Rome  therefore  ought  be 
exposed,  and  he  deserves  well  of  mankind  that  does  expose  it. — \V. 
Wotton. 

Ibid.  The  chapel  of  Loretto,  which  travelled  from  the  Holy  land 
to  Italy. 

*  Translated  the  scriptures  into  the  vulgar  tongues. 

t  Administered  the  cup  to  the  laity  at  the  communion. 

t  Allowed  the  marriages  of  priests. 

i  Directed  penitents  not  to  trust  to  pardons  and  absolutions  procured 
for  money  ;  but  sent  them  to  implore  the  mercy  of  God,  from  whence 
alone  remission  is  to  be  obtained: 


76  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

at  his  heeJs;*  and  gathering  from  all  hands  what  was  in  the 
wind,  he  and  his  gang,  after  several  millions  of  scurrilities  and 
curses,  not  very  important  here  to  repeat,  by  main  force  very 
fairly  kicks  them  both  out  of  doors,|  and  would  never  let  them 
come  under  his  roof  from  that  day  to  this. 


SECTION  V. 

A  DIGRESSION  IN  THE  MODERN  KIND. 

WE  whom  the  world  is  pleased  to  honour  with  the  titie  of 
modern  authors,  should  never  have  been  able  to  compass  our 
great  design  of  an  everlasting  remembrance,  and  never-dying 
fame,  if  our  endeavours  had  not  been  so  highly  serviceable  to 
the  general  good  of  mankind.  This,  O  Universe !  is  the  ad- 
venturous attempt  of  me  thy  secretary. 


Quemvis  perferre  laborem 


Suadet,  et,  inducit  noctes  vigilare  serenas. 
To  this  end,  I  have  some  time  since,  with  a  world  of  pains 
and  art,  dissected  the  carcass  of  human  ffature,  and  read  many 
useful  lectures  upon  the  several  parts,  both  containing  and 
contained;  till  at  last  it  smelt  so  strong,  I  could  preserve  it 
no  longer.  Upon  which  I  have  been  at  a  great  expense  to  fit 
up  all  the  bones  with  exact  contexture,  and  indue  symmetry  ; 
so  that  I  am  ready  to  show  a  very  complete  anatomy  thereof 
to  all  curious  gentlemen  and  others.  But  not  to  digress  farther 
in  the  midst  of  a  digression,  as  I  have  known  some  authors 
enclose  digressions  in  one  another,  like  a  nest  of  boxes ;  I  do 
affirm,  that,  having  carefully  cut  up  human  nature,  I  have 
found  a  very  strange,  new,  and  important  discovery  ;  that  the 
public  good  of  mankind  is  performed  by  two  ways,  instruction 
and  diversion.  And  I  have  farther  proved  in  my  said  several 
readings,  (which  perhaps  the  world  may  one  day  see,  if  I  can 
prevail  on  any  friend  to  steal  a  copy,  or  on  certain  gentlemen 
of  my  admirers,  to  be  very  importunate,)  that,  as  mankind  is 
now  disposed,  he  receives  much  greater  advantage  by  being 
diverted  than  instructed  ;  his  epidemical  diseases  being  fasti- 
diosity,  amorphy,  and  oscitation;  whereas  in  the  present  uni- 

*  By  Peter's  dragoons,  is  meant  the  civil  power,  which  those  princes 
who  were  bigotted  to  the  Romish  superstition,  employed  against  the 
Reformers. 

t  The  Pope  shuts  all  who  dissent  from  him  out  of  the  church. 


A  DIGRESSION  IN  THE  MODERN  KIND.  77 

rersal  empire  of  wit  and  learning,  there  seems  but  little  matter 
left  for  instruction.  However,  incompliance  with  a  lesson 
of  great  age  and  authority,  I  have  attempted  carrying  the 
point  in  all  its  heights  ;  and  accordingly  throughout  this  divine 
treatise,  have  skilfully  kneaded  up  both  together  with  a  layer 
of  utile,  and  a  layer  of  dulce. 

When  I  consider  how  exceedingly  our  illustrious  moderns 
have  eclipsed  the  weak  glimmering  lights  of  the  ancients,  and 
turned  them  out  of  the  road  of  all  fashionable*cotumerce,  to  a 
degree,  that  our  choice  town  wits,*  of  most  refined  accom- 
plishments, are  in  grave  dispute,  whether  there  have  been 
ever  any  ancients  or  no  ;  in  which  point  we  are  like  to  receive 
wonderful  satisfaction  from  the  most  useful  labours  and  lucu- 
brations of  that  worthy  modern,  Dr.  B — tley  :  I  say,  when  I 
consider  all  this,  I  cannot  but  bewail,  that  no  famous  modern 
hath  ever  yet  attempted  an  universal  system  in  a  small  port- 
able volume,  of  all  things  that  are  to  be  known,  or  believed, 
or  imagined,  or  practised  in  life.  I  am  however  forced  to  ac- 
knowledge, that  such  an  enterprise  was  thought  on  some  time 
ago  by  a  great  philosopher  of  O.  Brazil. f  The  method  he 
proposed,  was  by  a  certain  curious  receipt,  a  nostrum,  which, 
after  his  untimely  death,  I  found  among  his  papers;  and  do 
here,  out  of  my  great  affection  to  the  modern  learned,  present 
them  with  it ;  not  doubting  it  may  one  day  encourage  some 
worthy  undertaker. 

"  You  take  fair  correct  copies,  well  bound  in  calf-skin,  and 
lettered  at  the  back,  of  all  modrrn  bodies  of  arts  and  sciences 
whatsoever,  and  in  what  language  you  please.  These  you 
distil  in  balnea  Marias  infusing  quintessence  of  popy  q.  s. 
together  with  three  pints  of  lethe,  to  be  had  from  the  apoth- 
ecaries. You  cleanse  away  carefully  the  sordes  and  caput 
mortuum,  letting  all  that  is  volatile  evaporate.  You  preserve 
only  the  first  running,  which  is  again  to  be  distilled  seventeen 
times,  till  what  remains  will  amount  to  about  two  drams. 
This  you  keep  in  a  glass  vial  hermetically  sealed,  for  one  and 
twenty  days;  then  you  begin  your  catholic  treatise,  taking 
every  morning  fasting  (first  shaking  the  vial)  three  drops  of 

*  The  learned  person  here  meant  by  our  author,  hath  been  endeav- 
ouring to  annihilate  so  many  ancient  writers,  that  until  he  is  pleased  to 
atop  his  hand,  il  will  be  dangerous  to  affirm,  whether  there  have  been 
any  ancients  in  the  world. 

T  This  is  an  imaginary  island,  of  kin  to  that  which  is  called  the  Pain. 
ters'  wives,  island,  placed  in  some  unknown  part  of  the  ocean,  merely 
at  the  fancy  of  the  map-maker. 

02 


78  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

this  elixir,  snuffing  it  strongly  up  your  nose.  It  will  dilate  it 
self  about  the  brain  (where  there  is  any)  in  fourteen  minutes, 
ancTyou  immediately  perceive  in  your  head  an  infinite  number 
of  abstracts,  summaries,  compendiums,  extracts,  collections, 
medulla's,  excerpta  qucedam's,  storilega's,  and  the  like,  all  dis- 
posed into  great  order,  and  reducible  upon  paper." 

I  must  needs  own,  it  was  by  the  assistance  of  this  arcanum 
that  I,  though  otherwise  impar,  have  adventured  upon  so  dar- 
ing an  attempt  5  never  achieved  or  undertaken  before,  but  by 
a  certain  author,  called  Homer ;  in  whom,  though  otherwise 
a  person  not  without  some  abilities,  and  for  an  ancient,  of  a 
tolerable  genius,  I  have  discovered  many  gross  errors,  which 
are  not  be  forgiven  his  very  ashes,  if  by  chance  any  of  them 
are  left.  For,  whereas  we  are  assured,  lie  designed  his  work 
for  a  complete  body  of  all  knowledge,  human,  divine,  political, 
and  mechanic  ;*  it  is  manifest,  he  hath  wholly  neglected  some, 
and  been  very  imperfect  in  the  rest.  For  first  of  all,  as 
eminent  a  cabalist  as  his  disciples  would  represent  him,  his 
account  of  the  opus  magnum  is  extremely  poor  and  deficient ; 
he  seems  to  have  read  but  very  superficially  either  Sendivogus, 
Behmen,  or  Jinlhroposophia  theoinagica.-\-  He  is  also  quite 
mistaken  about  the  sphcera  pyroplastica,  a  neglect  not  to  be 
atoned  for;  and,  if  the  reader  will  admit  so  severe  a  censure, 
vix  crederem  aut&rem  Inmc  unquam  audivisse  igJiis  vocem.  His 
failings  are  not  less  prominent  in  several  parts  of  the  mechanics. 
For,  having  read  his  writings  wiih  the  utmost  application 
usual  among  modern  wits,  I  could  never  yet  discover  the  least 
direction  about  the  structure  of  that  useful  instrument,  a  save- 
all.  For  want  of  which,  if  the  moderns  had  not  lent  their 
assistance,  we  might  yet  have  wandered  in  the  dark.  But  I 
have  still  behind  a  fault  far  more  notorious  to  tax  this  author 
With  ;  I  mean,  his  gross  ignorance  in  the  common  laws  of  this 
realm,  and  in  the  doctrine  as  well  as  discipline  of  the  church 
of  England  :J  A  defect  indeed,  for  which  both  he  and  all  the 

[*  Homerus  omnes  res  humanas  poematis  cow-plexus  est.  Xenoph. 
in  conviv.] 

t  A  treatise  written  about  fifty  years  ago  by  a  Welch  gentleman  of 
Cambridge.  His  name,  as  I  remember,  was  Vaughan,  as  appears  by 
the  answer  to  it,  written  by  the  learned  Dr.  Henry  Moore.  It  is  a 
piece  of  the  most  unintelligible  fustian  that  perhaps  was  ever  published 
in  any  language. 

t  Mr.  W — tt — n,  (to  whom  our  author  never  gives  any  quarter,) 
in  his  comparison  of  ancient  and  modern  learning,  numbers,  divinity, 
law,  &c.  among  those  parts  of  knowledge  wherein  we  excel  the  an* 
«enie. 


A  DIGRESSION  IN  THE  MODERN  KIND.  79 

ancients  stand  most  justly  censured  by  my  worthy  and  inge- 
nious friend  Mr.  W — tt — ii,  Bachelor  of  Divinity,  in  his  incom- 
parable treatise  of  ancient  and  modern  learning:  a  book  never 
to  be  sufficiently  valued,  whether  we  consider  the  happy  turns 
and  Mowings  of  the  author's  wit,  the  great  usefulness  of  his 
sublime  discoveries  upon  the  subject  of  flies  and  spittle,  or  the 
laborious  eloquence  of  his  style.  And  I  cannot  forbear  doing 
that  author  the  justice  of  my  public  acknowledgments,  for  the 
great  helps  and  liftings  I  had  out  of  this  incomparable  piece, 
while  I  was  penning  this  treatise. 

But,  besides  these  omissions  in  Homer  already  mentioned, 
the  curious  reader  will  also  observe  several  defects  in  that 
author's  writings,  for  which  he  is  not  altogether  so  account- 
able. For  whereas  every  branch  of  knowledge  has  received 
such  wonderful  acquirements  since  his  age,  especially  within- 
these  last  three  years,  or  thereabouts  ;  it  is  almost  impossible, 
he  could  be  so  very  perfect  in  modern  discoveries  as  his  advo- 
cates pretend.  We  freely  acknowledge  him  to  be  the  inventor 
of  the  compass,  of  gunpowder,  and  the  circulation  of  the  blood. 
But  I  challenge  any  of  his  admirers,  to  show  me  in  all  his 
writings  a  complete  account  of  the  spleen.  Does  he  not  also 
leave  us  wholly  to  seek  in  the  art  of  political  wagering? 
What  can  be  more  defective  and  unsatisfactory  than  his  long 
dissertation  upon  tea?  And  as  to  his  method  of  salivation 
without  mercury,  so  much  celebrated  of  late,  it  is  to  my  own 
knowledge  and  experience,  a  thipg  very  little  to  be  relied  on. 

It  was  to  supply  such  momentous  defects,  that  I  have  been 
prevailed  on,  after  long  solicitation,  to  take  pen  in  hand  ;  and 
I  dare  venture  to  promise,  the  judicious  reader  shall  find  no- 
thing neglected  here,  that  can  be  of  use  upon  any  emergency 
of  life.  I  am  confident  to  have  included  and  exhausted  all 
that  human  imagination  can  rise  or  fall  to.  Particularly,  I 
recommend  to  the  perusal  of  the  learned,  certain  discoveries 
that  are  wholly  untouched  by  others ;  whereof  I  shall  only 
mention  among  a  great  many  more,  My  new  help  of  smat- 
terreis  ;  or,  The  ari  of  being  deep-learned,  and  shallow-read  ; 
— A  curious  invention  about  mouse  traps; — An  universal  rule 
of  Reason  :  or,  Every  man  his  own  carver ;  together  with  a 
must  useful  engine  for  catching  of  owls.  All  which  the  judi- 
cious reader  will  find  largely  treated  on  in  the  several  parts  of 
this  discourse. 

I  hold  myself  obliged  to  give  as  much  light  as  is  possible, 
into  the  beauties  and  excellencies  of  what  I  am  writing ;  be- 
cause it  is  become  the  fashion  and  humour  most  applauded 
among  the  first  author*  of  this  polite  and  learned  age 


80  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

when  they  would  correct  the  ill-nature  of  critical,  or  inform 
the  ignorance  of  courteous  readers.  Besides,  there  have  been 
several  famous  pieces  lately  published,  both  in  verse  and  prose, 
wherein,  if  the  writers  had  not  been  pleased,  out  of  their  great 
humanity  and  affection  to  the  public,  to  give  us  a  nice  detail 
of  the  sublime  and  the  admirable  they  contain,  it  is  a  thousand 
to  one,  whether  we  should  ever  have  discovered  one  grain  of 
either.  For  my  own  particular,  I  cannot  deny,  that  whatever 
I  have  said  upon  this  occasion,  had  been  more  proper  in  a 
preface,  and  more  agreeable  to  the  mode,  which  usually  directs 
it  there.  But  I  here  think  fit  to  lay  hold  on  that  great  and 
honourable  privilege  of  being  the  last  writer;  I  claim  an  abso- 
lute authority  in  right,  as  the  freshest  modern,  which  gives 
me  a  despotic  power  over  all  authors  before  me.  In  the 
strength  of  which  title,  I  do  utterly  disapprove  and  declare 
against  that  pernicious  custom,  of  making  the  preface  a  bill  of 
fare  to  the  book.  For  I  have  always  looked  upon  it  as  a  high 
point  of  indiscretion  in  monster-mongers,  and  other  retailers 
of  strange  sights,  to  hang  out  a  fair  large  picture  over  the  door, 
drawn  after  the  life,  with  a  most  eloquent  description  under- 
neath. This  hath  saved  me  many  a  three-pence;  for  my 
curiosity  was  fully  satisfied,  and  I  never  offered  to  go  in, 
though  often  invited  by  the  urging  and  attending  orator,  with 
his  last  moving  and  standing  piece  of  rhetoric, "  Sir,  upon  my 
word,  we  are  just  going  to  begin."  Such  is  exactly  the  fate, 
at  this  time,  of  Prefaces,  Epistles,  Advertisements,  Introduc- 
tions, Prolegornenas,  Apparatus's,  To  the  Readers.  This 
expedient  was  admirable  at  first.  Our  great  Dryclen  has  long 
carried  it  as  far  as  it  would  go,  and  with  incredible  success. 
He  hath  often  said  to  me  in  confidence,  that  the  world  would 
have  never  suspected  him  to  be  so  great  a  poet,  if  he  had  not 
assured  them  so  frequently  in  his  prefaces,  that  it  was  impossi- 
oie  they  could  either  doubt  or  forget  it.  Perhaps  it  may  be  so  : 
however,  I  much  fear,  his  instructions  have  edified  out  of  their 
place,  atid  taught  men  to  grow  wiser  in  certain  points,  where 
he  never  intended  they  should  :  for  it  is  lamentable  to  behold 
with  what  a  lazy  scorn  many  of  the  yawning  readers  in  our 
age  do  now-a-days  twirl  over  forty  or  fifty  pages  of  preface 
and  dedication,  (which  is  the  usual  modern  stint,)  as  if  it  were 
so  much  Latin.  Though  it  must  be  also  allowed,  on  the  other 
hand,  that  a  very  considerable  number  are  known  to  proceed 
critics  and  wits,  by  reading  nothing  else.  Into  which  two 
factions,  I  think,  all  present  readers  may  justly  be  divfded. 
Now,  for  myself,  I  piofess  to  be  of  the  former  sort:  and  there- 
fore, having  the  modern  inclination  to  expatiate  upon  the  beauty 


A  TALK  OF  A  TUB.  81 

of  my  own  productions,  and  display  the  bright  parts  of  my 
discourse,  I  thought  best  to  do  it  in  the  body  of  the  work ; 
where,  as  it  now  lies,  it  makes  a  very  considerable  addition  to 
the  bulk  of  the  volume;  a  circumstance  by  no  means  io  be 
neglected  by  a  skilful  writer. 

Having  thus  paid  my  due  deference  and  acknowledgment 
to  an  established  custom  of  our  newest  authors,  by  a  long 
digression  unsought  for,  and  an  universal  censure  unprovoked; 
by  forcing  into  the  light,  with  much  pains  and  dexterity,  my 
own  excellencies,  and  other  men's  defaults,  with  great  justice 
to  myself,  and  candour  to  them ;  1  now  happily  resume  my 
subject,  to  the  infinite  satisfaction  both  of  the  reader  and  the 
author. 


SECTION  VI. 

A    TALE    OF   A    TUB. 

WE  left  Lord  Peter  in  open  rupture  with  his  two  brethren  : 
both  for  ever  discarded  from  his  house,  and  resigned  to  the 
wide  world,  with  little  or  nothing  to  trust  to.  Which  are  cir- 
cumstances that  render  them  proper  subjects  for  the  charity 
of  a  writer's  pen  to  work  on  ;  scenes  of  misery  ever  affording 
the  fairest  harvest  for  great  adventures.  And  in  this  the  world 
may  perceive  the  difference  between  the  integrity  of  a  gene- 
rous author,  and  that  of  a  common  friend.  The  latter  is  ob- 
served to  adhere  close  in  prosperity,  but,  on  the  decline  of 
fortune*  to  drop  suddenly  off:  whereas  the  generous  author, 
just  on  the  contrary,  finds  his  hero  on  the  dunghill,  from, 
thence  by  gradual  steps  raises  him  to  a  throne,  and  then  im- 
mediately withdraws,  expecting  not  so  much  as  thanks  for 
his  pains.  In  imitation  of  which  example,  I  have  placed  Lord 
Peter  in  a  noble  house,  given  him  a  title  to  wear,  and  money 
to  spend.  There  I  shall  leave  him  for  some  time;  returning 
where  common  charity  directs  me,  to  the  assistance  of  his 
two  brothers,  at  their  lowest  ebb.  However,  I  shall  by  no 
means  forget  my  character  of  an  historian,  to  follow  the  truth, 
step  by  step,  whatever  happens,  or  wherever  it  may  lead 
me. 

The  two  exiles,  so  nearly  united  in  fortune  and  interest,  took 
a  lodging  together;  where,  at  their  first  leisure,  they  began  to 
reflect  on  the  numberless  misfortunes  and  vexations  of  their 
life  past ;  and  could  not  tell,  on  the  sudden,  to  what  failure  in 


82  A  TALE  OP  A  TUB. 

the.ir  conduct  they  ought  to  impute  them  ;  when,  after  some 
recollection,  they  called  to  mind  the  copy  of  their  father's  will, 
which  they  had  so  happily  recovered.  This  was  immediately 
produced,  and  a  firm  resolution  taken  between  them,  to  alter 
whatever  was  already  amiss,  and  reduce  all  their  future  mea- 
sures to  the  strictest  obedience  prescribed  therein.  The  main 
body  of  the  will  (as  the  reader  cannot  easily  have  forgot)  con- 
sisted in  certain  admirable  rules  about  the  wearing  of  their 
coats :  in  the  perusal  whereof,  the  two  brothers,  at  every 
period,  duly  comparing  the  doctrine  with  the  practice,  there 
was  never  seen  a  wider  difference  between  two  things !  horri- 
ble, downright  transgressions  of  every  point.  Upon  which 
they  both  resolved,  without  farther  delay,  to  fall  immediately 
upon  reducing  the  whole  exactly  after  their  father's  model. 

But  here  it  is  good  to  stop  the  hasty  reader,  ever  impatient 
to  see  the  end  of  an  adventure,  before  we  writers  can  duly 
prepare  him  for  it.  I  am  to  record,  that  these  two  brothers 
began  to  be  distinguished  at  this  time,  by  certain  names.  One 
of  them  desired  to  be  called  MARTIN,*  and  the  other  took  the 
appellation  of  JACK.f  These  two  had  lived  in  much  friendship 
and  agreement,  under  the  tyranny  of  their  brother  Peter ;  as  it 
is  the  talent  of  fellow-sufferers  to  do  ;  men  in  misfortune  being 
like  men  in  the  dark,  to  whom  all  colours  are  the  same.  But 
when  they  come  forward  into  the  world,  and  began  to  display 
themselves  to  each  other,  and  to  the  light,  their  complexions 
appeared  extremely  different;  which  the  present  posture  of 
their  affairs  gave  them  sudden  opportunity  to  discover. 

But  here  the  severe  reader  may  justly  tax  me  as  writer  of 
short  memory  ;  a  deficiency  to  which  a  true  modern  cannot  but 
of  necessity  be  a  little  subject;  because  memory,  being  an  em- 
ployment of  the  mind  upon  things  past,  as  a  faculty,  for  which 
the  learned  in  our  illustrious  age  have  no  manner  of  occasion, 
who  deal  entirely  with  invention,  and  strike  all  things  out  of 
themselves,  or  at  least  by  a  collision,  from  each  other :  upon 
which  account,  we  think  it  highly  reasonable  to  produce  our 
great  forgetfulness,  as  an  argument  unanswerable  for  our  great 
wit.  I  ought,  in  method,  to  have  informed  the  reader,  about 
fifty  pages  ago,  of  a  fancy  Lord  Peter  look,  and  infused  into 
his  brothers,  to  wear  on  their  coats  whatever  trimmings  came 
up  in  fashion;  never  pulling  off  any  as  they  went  ouf  of  the 
mode,  but  keeping  on  all  together;  which  amounted  in  time  to 
a  medley,  the  most  antic  you  can  possibly  conceive ;  and  thia 
to  a  degree,  that  upon  the  time  of  their  falling  out,  mere  was 

*  Martin  Luther.        t  John  Cah>i*. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  8d 

Hardly  a  thread  of  the  original  coat  to  be  seen,  but  an  infinite 
quantity  of  lace  and  ribbands,  and  fringe,  and  embroidery,  and 
points ;  (I  mean  only  those  tagged  with  silver,*  for  the  rest  i'ell 
of.)  Now  this  material  circumstance  having  been  forgot  in  due 
place,  as  good  fortune  hath  ordered,  comes  in  very  properly 
here,  when  the  two  brothers  are  just  going  to  reform  their  ves- 
tures into  the  primitive  state,  prescribed  by  their  father's  will. 

They  both  unanimously  entered  upon  this  great  work,  look- 
ing sometimes  on  their  coats,  and  sometimes  on  the  will. 
Martin  laying  the  first  hand ;  at  one  twitch  brought  off  a  large 
handful  of  points;  and  with  a  second  pull,  stript  away  ten 
dozen  yards  of  fringe.  But  when  he  had  gone  thus  far,  he 
demurred  a  while.  He  knew  very  well,  there  yet  remained  a 
great  deal  more  to  be  done.  However,  the  first  heat  being  over, 
his  violence  began  to  cool,  and  he  resolved  to  proceed  more 
moderately  in  the  rest  of  the  work;  having  already  very  narrow- 
ly escaped  a  swinging  rent  in  pulling  off  the  points,  which, 
being  tagged  with  silver,  (as  we  have  observed  before,)  the 
judicious  workman  had  with  much  sagacity  double  sewn,  to 
preserve  them  from  falling.  Resolving  therefore  to  rid  his 
coat  of  a  huge  quantity  of  gold  lace,  he  picked  up  the  stitches 
with  much  caution,  and  diligently  gleaned  out  all  the  loose 
threads  as  he  went ;  which  proved  to  be  a  work  of  time.  Then 
he  fell  about  the  embroidered  Indian  figures  of  men,  women, 
and  chidren;  against  which,  as  you  have  heard  in  its  due  place, 
their  father's  testament  was  extremely  exact  and  severe :  these, 
with  much  dexterity  and  application,  were,  after  a  while,  quite 
eradicated,  or  utterly  defaced.  For  the  rest,  where  he  observed 
the  embroidery  to  be  worked  so  close,  as  not  to  be  got  away 
without  damaging  the  cloth,  or  where  it  served  to  hide  or 
strengthen  any  flaw  in  the  body  of  the  coat,  contracted  by  the 
perpetual  tampering  of  workmen  upon  it;  he  concluded  the 
wisest  course  was,  to  let  it  remain;  resolving  in  no  case  what- 
soever, that  the  substance  of  the  stuff  should  suffer  injury; 
which  he  thought  the  best  method  for  serving  the  true  intent 
and  meaning  of  his  father's  will.  And  this  is  the  nearest 
account  I  have  been  able  to  collect  of  Martin's  proceedings 
upon  this  great  revolution. 

But  his  brother  Jack,  whose  adventures  will  be  so  extraor- 
dinary, as  to  furnish  a  great  part  in  the  remainder  of  this  dis- 
course, entered  upon  the  matter  with  other  thoughts,  and  a 

*  Points  tagged  with  silver,  are  those  doctrines  that  promote  the 
greatness  and  wealth  of  the  church ;  which  have  been  thereiore  woven 
deepest  in  the  bod*  of  Popery. 


84  A  TALE  OP  A  TUB. 

quite  different  spirit.  For  the  memory  of  Lord  Peter's  injuries 
produced  a  degree  of  hatred  and  spite,  which  had  a  much, 
greater  share  of  inciting  him,  than  any  regards  after  his  father's 
commands;  since  these  appeared  at  best  only  secondary  and 
subservient  to  the  other.  However,  for  this  medley  of  humour, 
he  made  a  shift  to  find  a  very  plausible  name,  honouring  it 
with  the  title  of  zeal;  which  is  perhaps  the  most  significant 
word  that  hath  been  ever  yet  produced  in  any  language ;  as, 
I  think,  I  have  fully  proved  in  my  excellent  analytical  discourse 
upon  that  subject;  wherein  I  have  deduced  a  histori-theo- 
physi-logical  account  of  zeal,  showing  how  it  first  proceeded 
from  a  notion  into  a  word,  and  from  thence,  in  a  hot  s-ummer, 
ripened  into  a  tangible  substance.  This  work,  containing  three 
large  volumes  in  folio,  I  design  very  shortly  to  publish,  by  the 
modern  way  of  subscription ;  not  doubting  but  the  nobility  and 
gentry  of  the  land  will  give  me  all  possible  encouragement, 
having  had  already  such  a  taste  of  what  I  am  able  to  perform. 
I  record  therefore,  that  brother  Jack,  brimful  of  this  miracu- 
lous compound,  reflecting  with  indignation  upon -Peter's  ty- 
ranny, and  farther  provoked  by  the  despondency  of  Martin, 
prefaced  his  resolutions  to  this  purpose.  "  What,  (said  he,) 
a  rogue  that  locked  up  his  drink,  turned  away  our  wives, 
cheated  ys  of  our  fortunes,  palmed  his  damned  crusts  upon  us 
for  mutton,  and  at  last  kicked  us  out  of  doors  ;  must  we  be  in 
his  fashions  with  a  pox!  a  rascal,  besides,  that  all  the  street 
cries  out  against."  Having  thus  kindled  and  inflamed  him- 
self as  high  as  possible,  and  by  consequence  in  a  delicate  tem- 
per for  beginning  a  reformation,  he  set  about  the  work  imme- 
diately, and  in  three  minutes  made  more  dispatch  than  Martin 
had  done  in  as  many  hours.  For,  courteous  reader,  you  are 
given  to  understand,  that  zeal  is  never  so  highly  obliged,  as 
when  you  set  it  a  tearing ;  and  Jack,  who  doated  on  that 
quality  in  himself,  allowed  it  at  this  time  its  full  swing.  Thus 
it  happened,  that  stripping  down  a  parcel  of  gold-lace,  a  little 
too  hastily,  he  rent  the  main  body  of  his  coat,  from  top  to  bot- 
tom, and  whereas  his  talent  was  not  of  the  happiest  in  taking 
up  a  stitch,  he  knew  no  better  way,  than  to  darn  it  again  with 
packthread  and  a  skewer.  But  the  matter  was  yet  infinitely  worse 
(I  record  it  with  tears)  when  he  proceeded  to  the  embroidery  • 
for,  being  clumsy  by  nature,  and  of  temper  impatient ;  wilhai 
beholding  millions  of  stitches,  that  required  the  nicest  hand, 
and  sedatest  constitution,  to  extricate  ;  in  a  great  rage  he  tore 
off  the  whole  piece,  cloth  and  all,  and  flung  it  into  the  kennel; 
and  furiously  thus  continuing  his  career,  "  Ah,  good  brother 
Martin,  (said  he,)  do  as  I  do,  for  the  love  of  God !  strip,  tear, 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  85 

pull,  rent,  flay  off  all,  that  we  may  appear  as  unlike  that  rogue 
Peter  as  it  is  possible.  I  would  not-  I'or  an  hundred  pounds 
carry  the  least  mark  about  me,  that  might  give  occasion  to  the 
neighbours,  of  suspecting  I  was  related  to  such  a  rascal." 
But  Martin,  who  at  this  time  happened  to  be  extremely  phleg- 
matic and  sedate,  "  begged  his  brother  of  all  love,  not  to  dam- 
age his  coat  by  any  means;  for  he  never  would  get  such  ano- 
ther :  desired  him  to  consider,  that  it  was  not  their  business 
to  form  their  actions  by  any  reflection  upon  Peter's,  but  by 
observing  the  rules  prescribed  in  their  father's  will;  that  he 
should  remember  Peter  was  still  their  brother,  whatever  faults 
or  injuries  he  had  committed  ;  and  therefore  they  should  by 
all  means  avoid  such  a  thought,  as  that  of  taking  measures 
for  good  and  evil,  from  no  other  rule  than  of  opposition  to  him : 
that  it  was  true  the  testament  of  their  good  father  was  very 
exact  in  what  related  to  the  wearing  of  their  coats;  yet  was  it 
no  less  penal  and  strict  in  prescribing  agreement,  and  friend- 
ship, and  affection  between  them ;  and  therefore,  if  straining 
a  point  were  at  all  dispensable,  it  would  certainly  be  so,  rather 
to  the  advance  of  unity,  than  increase  of  contradiction." 

Martin  had  still  proceeded  as  gravely  as  he  began ;  and 
doubtless  would  have  delivered  an  admirable  lecture  of  mo- 
ralky,  which  might  have  exceedingly  contributed  to  my  reader's 
repose  both  of  body  and  mind,  (the  true  ultimate  end  of  ethics ;) 
but  Jack  was  already  gone  a  flight-shot  .beyond  his  patience. 
And  as,  in  scholastic  disputes,  nothing  serves  to  rouse  the 
spleen  of  him  that  opposes,  so  much  as  a  kind  of  pedantic  af- 
fected calmness  in  the  respondent;  disputants  being  for  the 
most  part  like  unequal  scales,  where  the  gravity  of  one  side 
advances  the  lightness  of  the  other,  and  causes  it  to  fly  up, 
and  kick  the  beam  :  so  it  happened  here,  that  the  weight  of 
Martin's  arguments  exalted  Jack's  levity,  and  made  him  fly 
out  and  spurn  against  his  brother's  moderation.  In  short, 
Martin's  patience  put  Jack  in  a  rage.  But  that  which  most 
afflicted  him>  was,  to  observe  his  brother's  coat  so  well  reduc- 
ed into  the  state  of  innocence;  while  his  own  was  either 
wholly  rent  to  his  shirt;  or  those  places,  which  had  escaped  his 
cruel  clutches,  were  still  in  Peter's  livery  :  .so  that  he  looked 
like  a  drunken  beau,  half  rifled  by  bullies  :  or  like  a  fresh  ten- 
ant of  Newgate,  when  he  has  refused  the  payment  of  garnisn, 
or  like  a  discovered  shoplifter,  left  to  the  mercy  of  exchange- 
women  ;*  or  like  a  bawd  in  her  old  velvet  petticoat,  resigned 

*  The  galleries  over  the  piazzas  in  the  Royal  Exchange  were  formerly 
filled  with  shops,  kept  chiefly  by  women  ;  the  same  use  was  made  of 

H 


80  -A  TALE   OF  A   TL'B. 

into  the  secular  hands  of  the  mobile.  Like  any,  or  like  all  ol 
these,  a  medley  of  rags  and  lace,  and  rents  and  fringes,  unfor- 
tunate Jack  did  now  appear.  He  would  have  been  extremely 
glad  to  see  his  coat  in  the  condition  of  Martin's,  but  infinitely 
more  glad  to  find  that  of  Martin's  in  the  same  predicament 
with  his.  However,  since  neither  of  these  Avas  likely  to  come 
to  pass,  he  thought  fit  to  lend  the  whole  business  another  turn, 
and  to  dress  up  necessity  into  a  virtue.  Therefore,  after  as 
many  of  the  fox's*  arguments  as  he  could  muster  up  for, 
bringing  Martin  to  reason,  as  he  called  it,  or,  as  he  meant  it, 
into  his  own  ragged,  bobtailed  condition;  and  observing  he 
said  all  to  little  purpose;  what,  alas  !  was  left  for  the  forlorn 
Jack  to  do,  but  after  a  million  of  scurrilities  against  his  brother, 
to  run  mad  with  spleen,  and  spile,  and  contradiction!  To  be 
short,  here  began  a  mortal  breach  between  these  two.  Jack 
went  immediately  to  new  lodgings,  and  in  a  few  days  it  was 
for  certain  reported,  that  he  had  run  out  of  his  wits.  In  a 
short  time  after,  he  appeared  abroad,  and  confirmed  the  report, 
by  falling  into  the  oddest  whimsies  that  ever  a  sick  brain  con- 
ceived. 

And  now  the  little  boys  in  the  streets  began  to  salute  him. 
with  several  names.  Sometimes  they  would  call  him  Jack 
the  bald  ;f  sometimes,  Jack  with  a  lanthorn  ;J  sometimes, 
Dutch  Jack  ;§  sometimes  French  Hugh  :||  sometimes  Tom 
the  Beggar  ;H  and  sometimes,  Knocking  Jack  of  the  North.** 
And  it  was  under  one,  or  some,  or  all  of  these  appellations, 
which  I  leave  the  learned  reader  to  determine,  that  he  hath 
given  rise  to  the  most  illustrious  and  epidemic  sect  of  JEolists, 
who,  with  honourable  commemoration,  do  still  acknowledge 
the  renowned  JACK  for  their  author  and  founder.  Of  whose 


a  building  called  the  New  Exchange  in  the  strand ;  this  edifice  has  been 
pulled  down,  the  shopkeepers  have  removed  from  the  Royal  Exchange 
into  Cornhill,  and  the  adjacent  streets ;  and  there  are  now  no  remains 
of  Exchange-women  but  in  Exeter-change,  and  they  are  no  longer 
deemed  the  first  ministers  of  fashion. 

*  The  fox  in  the  fable,  who  having  been  caught  in  a  trap  and  lost 
his  tail,  used  many  arguments  to  persuade  the  rest  to  cut  off  their's, 
that  the  singularity  of  his  deformity  might  not  expose  him  to  derision. 

t  That  is,  Calvin,  from  calvus,  bald. 

I  All  those  who  pretend  to  inward  light. 

§  Jack  of  Leyden,  who  gave  rise  to  the  Anabaptists. 

II  The  Hugonots. 

IT  The  Guiuses,  by  which  name  some  protestants  in  Flanders  wer« 
called. 
**  John  Knox,  tbe  reformer  of  Scotland 


A  DIGRESSION  IN  PRAISE  OF  DIGRESSIONS.  87 

original,  as  well  as  principles,  I  am  now  advancing  to  gratify 
the  world  with  a  very  particular  account; 


-Melleo  contingens  cuncta  lepore. 


SECTION   VII. 

A  DIGRESSION  IN  PRAISE  OF  DIGRESSIONS. 

I  HAVE  sometimes  heard  of  an  Iliad  ia  a  nut-shell;  but  it 
hath  been  my  fortune  to  have  much  oftener  seen  a  nut-shell 
in  an  Iliad.  There  is  no  doubt  that  human  life  has  received 
most  wonderful  advantages  from  both  ;  but  to  which  of  the 
two  the  world  is  chiefly  indebted,  I  shall  leave  among  the 
curious,  as  a  problem  worthy  of  their'utmost  enquiry.  For 
the  invention  of  the  latter,  I  think  the  commonwealth  of  learn- 
ing is  chiefly  obliged  to  the  great  modern  improvement  of 
digressions :  the  late  refinements  of  knowledge  running  pa- 
rallel to  those  of  diet  in  our  nation,  which,  among  men  of  a 
judicious  taste,  are  dressed  up  in  various  compounds,  consist- 
ing in  soups  and  olio's,  fricassees  and  ragouts. 

It  is  true,  there  is  a  sort  of  morose,  detracting,  ill-bred  people, 
who  pretend  utterly  to  disrelish  these  polite  innovations.  And 
as  to  the  similitude  from  diet,  they  allow  the  parallel ;  but  are 
so  bold  to  pronounce  the  example  itself,  a  corruption  and 
degeneracy  of  taste.  They  tell  us,  that  the  fashion  of  jumb- 
ling fifty  things  together  in  a  dish,  was  at  first  introduced  in 
compliance  to  a  depraved  and  debauched  appetite,  as  well  as 
to  a  crazy  constitution;  and  to  see  a  man  hunting  through  an 
olio,  after  the  head  and  brains  of  a  goose,  a  wigeon  or  a  wood- 
cock, is  a  sign  he  wants  a  stomach  and  digestion  for  more 
substantial  victuals.  Farther,  they  affirm,  that  digressions  in 
a  book  are  like  foreign  troops  in  a  state,  which  argue  the  nation 
to  want  a  heart  and  hands  of  its  own  ;  and  often  either  subdue 
the  natives,  or  drive  them  into  the  most  unfruitful  corners. 

But,  after  all  that  can  be  objected  by  these  supercilious  cen- 
sors, it  is  manifest,  the  society  of  writers  would  quickly  be  re- 
duced to  a  very  inconsiderable  number,  if  men  were  put  upon 
making  books,  -with  the  fatal  confinement  of  delivering  nothing 
beyond  what  is  to  the  purpose.  It  is  acknowledged,  that  were 
the  case  the  same  among  us,  as  with  the  Greeks  and  Romans, 
when  learning  was  in  its  cradle,  to  be  reared,  and  fed,  and 


ttS  A.  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

clothed  by  invention:  it  would  be  an  easy  task  to  fill  up  vol 
umes  upon  particular  occasions,  without  farther  expatiating 
from  the  subject,  than  by  moderate  excursions,  helping  to  ad- 
vance or  clear  the  main  design.  But  with  knowledge  it  has 
fared  as  with  a  numerous  army,  encamped  in  a  fruitful  coun- 
try ;  which  for  a  few  days  maintains  itself  by  the  product  of 
the  soil  it  is  on ;  till  provisions  being  spent,  they  send  to  for- 
age many  a  mile,  among  friends  or  enemies,  it  matters  not. 
Mean  while,  the  neighbouring  fields,  trampled  and  beaten 
down,  became  barren  and  dry,  affording  no  sustenance  but 
clouds  of  dust. 

The  whole  course  of  things  being  thus  entirely  changed  be- 
tween us  and  the  ancients,  and  the  moderns  wisely  sensible  of 
it ;  we  of  this  age  have  discovered  a  shorter,  and  more  prudent 
method,  to  become  scholars  and  wits,  without  the  fatigue  of 
reading  or  of  thinking.  The  most  accomplished  way  of  using 
books  at  present,  is  twofold  :  either,  first,  to  serve  them  as 
some  men  do  lords,  learn  their  titles  exactly,  and  then  brag  of 
their  acquaintance;  or,  secondly,  which  is  indeed  the  choicer, 
the  prolbunder,  and  the  politer  method,  to  get  a  thorough 
insight  into  the  index,  by  which  the  whole  book  is  governed 
and  turned,  like  fishes  by  the  tail.  For  to  enter  the  palace  of 
learning  at  the  great  gate,  requires  an  expense  of  time  and 
forms;  therefore  men  of  much  haste  and  little  ceremony  are 
content  to  get  in  by  the  back  door.  For  the  arts  are  all  in  a 
flying  march,  and  therefore  more  easily  subdued  by  attacking 
them  in  the  rear.  Thus  physicians  discover  the  state  of  the 
whole  body,  by  consulting  only  what  comes  from  behind. 
Thus  men  catch  knowledge  by  throwing  their  wit  on  the 
posteriors  of  a  book,  as  boys  do  sparrows  with  flinging  salt 
upon  their  tails.  Thus  human  life  is  best  understood  by  the 
wise  man's  rule  of  regarding  the  end.  Thus  are  the  sciences 
found,  like  Hercules's  oxen,  by  tracing  them  backwards.  Thus 
are  old  scieuces  unravelled  like  old  stockings,  by  beginning  at 
the  foot. 

Besides  all  this,  the  army  of  the  sciences  hath  been  of  late, 
with  a  world  of  martial  discipline,  drawn  into  its  close  order; 
so  that  a  view  or  a  muster  may  be  taken  of  it  with  abundance 
of  expedition.  For  this  great  blessing  we  are  wholly  indebted 
to  systems  and  abstracts,  in  which  the  modern  fathers  of  learn- 
ing, like  prudent  usurers,  spent  their  sweat  for  the  ease  of  us 
their  children.  For  labour  is  the  seed  of  idleness,  and  it  is 
the  peculiar  happiness  of  our  noble  age  to  gather  the  fruit. 

Now,  the  method  of  growing  wise,  learned  and  sublime, 
having  become  so  regular  an  affair,  and  so  established  in  all 


A  DIGRESSION  IN  PRAISE  OF  DIGRESSION.  89 

zls  forms;  the  numbers  of  writers  must  needs  have  increased 
accordingly,  and  to  a  pitch  that  has  made  it  of  absolute  neces- 
sity for  them  to  interfere  continually  with  each  other.  Besides, 
it  is  reckoned,  that  there  is  not  at  thrs  present  a  sufficient 
quantity  of  new  matter  left  in  nature,  to  furnish  and  adorn 
any  one  particular  subject  to  the  extent  of  a  volume.  This  I 
am  told  by  a  very  skilful  computer,  who  hath  given  a  full 
demonstration  of  it  from  rules  of  arithmetic. 

Thi*  perhaps  may  be  objected  against  by  those  who  main- 
tain the  infinity  of  matter,  and  therefore  will  not  allow  that 
any  species  of  it  can  be  exhausted.  For  an  answer  to  which, 
let  us  examine  the  noblest  branch  of  modern  wit  or  invention, 
planted  and  cultivated  by  the  present  age,  and  which  of  all 
others  hath  borne  the  most,  and  the  fairest  fruit.  For  though 
some  remains  of  it  were  left  us  by  the  ancients,  yet  have  not 
any  of  those,  as  I  remember,  been  translated,  or  compiled  into 
system  for  modern  use.  Therefore  we  may  affirm,  to  our 
own  honour,  that  it  has  in  some  sort  been  both  invented,  and 
brought  to  a  perfection  by  the  same  hands.  What  I  mean, 
is  that  highly  celebrated  talent  among  the  modern  wits,  of 
deducing  similitudes,  allusions,  and  applications,  very  sur- 
prising, agreeable,  and  apposite,  from  the  pudenda  of  either 
sex,'  together  with  their  proper  uses.  And  truly,  having  ob- 
served how  little  invention  bears  any  vogue,  besides  what  is 
derived  into  these  channels,  I  have  sometimes  had  a  thought, 
that  the  happy  genius  of  our  age  and  country  was  prophetic- 
ally h.?M  forth  by  that  ancient  typical  description  of  the  Indian 
pygmies  ;  whose  stature  did  not  exceed  two  feet;  sed  quorum 
pudenda  erassa,  et,  ad  talos  usque pertingentia*  Now,  I  have 
been  very  curious  to  inspect  the  late  productions,  wherein  the 
beauties  of  this  kind  have  most  prominently  appeared.  And 
although  this  vein  hath  bled  so  freely,  and  all  endeavours  have 
been  used  in  the  power  of  human  breath,  to  dilate,  extend,  and 
keep  it  open;  like  the  Scythians,  who  had  a  custom,  and  an 
instrument  to  blow  up  the  privities  of  their  mares,  that  they 
might  yield  the  more  milk:f  yet  I  am  under  an  apprehension, 
it  is  near  growing  dry,  and  past  all  recovery  ;  and  that  either 
some  newfonde  of  wit  should,  if  possible,  be  provided,  or  else 
that  we  must  e'en  be  content  with  repetition  here  as  well  as 
upon  all  other  occasions. 

This  will  stand  as  an  incontestable  argument,  that  our  mo- 
dern wits  are  not  to  reckon  upon  the  infinity  of  matter,  for  a 
constant  supply.  What  remains  therefore,  but  that  our  last 

[*  Cteties  fragm,  apud  Photium.]  [t  Herodot.  I.  4.] 


90  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

recourse  must  be  had  to  large  indexes,  and  little  compendiums? 
Quotations  must  be  plentifully  gathered,  and  booked  in  alpha- 
bet. To  this  end,  though  authors  need  be  little  consulted,  yeJ 
critics  and  commentators  and  lexicons,  carefully  must.  Bui 
above  all,  those  judicious  collectors  of  bright  parts,  and  flewers 
and  observanda's,  are  to  be  nicely  dwelt  on,  by  some  called 
the  sieves  and  boulters  of  learning;  though  it  is  left  unde- 
termined, whether  they  deal  in  pearls  or  meal;  and  conse 
quently,  whether  we  are  more  to  value  that  which  passed 
through,  or  what  staid  behind. 

By  these  methods,  in  a  few  weeks,  there  starts  up  many  a 
writer,  capable  of  managing  the  profoundest  and  most  univer- 
sal subjects.  For  what  though  his  head  be  empty,  provided 
his  common-place  book  be  full?  And  if  you  will  bate  him  but 
the  circumstances  of  method,  and  style,  and  grammar,  and  in- 
vention ;  allow  him  but  the  common  privileges  of  transcribing 
from  others,  and  digressing  from  himself,  as  often  as  he  shall 
see  occasion  ;  he  will  desire  no  more  ingredients  towards  fit- 
ting up  a  treatise,  that  shall  make  a  very  comely  figure  on  a 
bookseller's  shelf,  there  to  be  preserved  neat  and  clean,  for  a 
long  eternity,  adorned  with  the  heraldry  of  its  title,  fairly  in- 
scribed on  a  label ;  never  to  be  thumbed  or  greased  by  students, 
nor  bound  to  everlasting  chains  of  darkness  in  a  library  ;  but 
when  the  fulness  of  time  is  .come,  shall  happily  undergo  the 
trial  of  purgatory,  in  order  to  ascend  the  sky. 

Without  these  allowances,  how  is  it  possible  we  modern 
wits  should  ever  have  an  opportunity  to  introduce  our  collec- 
tions, listed  under  so  many  thousand  heads  of  a  different  nature? 
for  want  of  which,  the  learned  world  would  be  deprived  of 
infinite  delight,  as  well  as  instruction,  and  we  ourselves  buried 
beyond  redress  in  an  inglorious  and  undistinguished  oblivion. 

From  such  elements  as  these,  I  am  alive  to  behold  the  day, 
wherein  the  corporation  of  authors  can  outvie  all  its  brethren 
in  the  field:  A  happiness  derived  to  us  with  a  great  many 
others,  from  our  Scythian  ancestors ;  among  whom  the  number 
of  pens  was  so  infinite,  that  the  Grecian  eloquence  had  no 
other  way  of  expressing  it,  than  by  saying,  That  in  the  regions 
far  to  the  north  it  was  hardly  possible  for  a  man  to  travel,  the 
very  air  was  so  replete  with  feathers.* 

The  necessity  of  this  digression  will  easily  excuse  the  length; 
and  I  have  chosen  for  it  as  proper  a  place  as  I  could  readily 
find.  If  the  judicious  reader  can  assign  a  fitter,  I  do  here 
empower  him  to  remove  into  any  other  corner  he  pleases. 

[*  Herodot.  I.  4.] 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  91 

And  so  I  return  with  great  alacrity  to  pursue  a  more  important 
concern. 


SECTION  VIII. 

A    TALE   OF   A   TUB. 

THE  learned  .ZEolists*  maintain  the  original  cause  of  all 
things  to  be  wind,  from  which  principle  this  whole  universe 
was  at  first  produced,  and  into  which  it  must  at  last  be  resolv- 
ed; that  the  same  breath  which  had  kindled,  and  blew  up  the 
flame  of  nature,  should  one  day  blow  it  out. 

Quid  procul  a  nobis  selectat  fortuna  gubernans. 

This  is  what  the  adepti  understand  by  their  anima  mundi; 
that  is  to  say,  the  spirit,  or  breath,  or  wind  of  the  world.  For 
examine  the  whole  system  by  the  particulars  of  nature,  and 
you  will  find  it  not  to  be  disputed.  For,  whether  you  please 
to  call  the  forma  informans  of  man,  by  the  name  of  spirilus, 
animus,  afflatus,  or  anima ;  what  are  all  these  but  several  appel- 
lations for  wind?  which  is  the  ruling  element  in  every  com- 
pound, and  into  which  they  all  resolve  upon  their  corruption. 
Farther,  what  is  life  itself,  but  as  it  is  commonly  called,  the 
breath  of  our  nostrils?  Whence  it  is  very  justly  observed  by 
naturalists  that  wind  still  continues  of  great  emolument  in 
certain  mysteries  not  to  be  named,  giving  occasion  for  those 
happy  epithets  of  turgidius,  and  inftatus,  applied  either  to  the 
emittent,  or  recipient  organs. 

By  what  I  have  gathered  out  of  ancient  records,  I  find  the 
compass  of  their  doctrine  took  in  two  and  thirty  points,  where- 
in it  would  be  tedious  to  be  very  particular.  However, 
a  few  of  their  most  important  precepts,  deducible  from.it,  are 
by  no  means  to  be  omitted ;  among  which  the  following  maxim 
was  of  much  weight,  That  since  wind  had  the  master-share, 
as  well  as  operation  in  every  compound,  by  consequence,  those 
beings  must  be  of  chief  excellence,  wherein  that  primordiwn 
appears  most  prominently  to  abound ;  and  therefore  man  is 
in  the  highest  perfection  of  all  created  things  as  having,  by  the 
great  bounty  of  philosophers,  been  endued  with  three  distinct 
anima's  or  winds,  to  which  the  sage  -^Eolists,  with  much 
liberality,  have  added  a  fourth,  of  equal  necessity,  as  well  aa 

*  All  pretenders  to  inspiration  whatsoever. 


82  A  TALE  OP  A  TUB. 

ornament,  with  the  other  three;  by  this  quartum  principium 
taking  in  the  four  corners  of  the  world;  which  gave  occasion 
to  that  renowned  Cabalist,  Bumbastus*  of  placing  the  body  of 
man  in  due  position  to  the  four  cardinal  points. 

In  consequence  of  this,  their  next  principle  was,  That  man 
brings  with  him  into  the  world  a  peculiar  portion  or  grain  of 
wind,  which  may  be  called  a  quintet  essentia,  extracted  from 
the  other  four.  This  quintessence  is  of  catholic  use  upon  all 
emergencies  of  life,  is  improvable  into  all  arts  and  sciences, 
and  may  be  wonderfully  refined,  as  well  as  enlarged,  by  certain 
methods  in  education.  This,  when  blown  up,  to  its  perfec- 
tion, ought  not  to  be  covetuously  hoarded  up,  stifled,  or  hid 
under  a  bushel,  but  freely  communicated  to  mankind.  Upon 
these  reasons,  and  others  of  equal  weight,  the  wise  JEolists 
affirm  the  gift  of  BELCHING  to  be  the  noblest  act  of  a  rational 
creature.  To  cultivate  which  art,  and  render  it  more  service- 
able to  mankind,  they  made  use  of  several  methods.  At  certain 
seasons  of  the  year,  you  might  behold  the  priests  among  them 
in  vast  numbers,  with  their  mouths  gaping  wide  against  a 
storm. f  At  other  times  were  to  be  seen  several  hundreds 
linked  together  in  a  circular  chain,  with  every  man  a  pair  of 
bellows  applied  to  his  neighbour's  breech,  by  which  they  blew 
up  each  other  to  the  shape  and  size  ot  a  tun  ;  and  for  that  reason, 
with  great  propriety  of  speech  did  usually  call  their  bodies 
their  vessels.  When,  by  these,  and  the  like  performances, 
they  were  grown  sufficiently  replete,  they  would  immediately 
depart  and  disembogue,  for  the  public  good,  a  plentiful  share 
of  their  acquirements  into  their  disciples'  chaps.  For  we  must 
here  observe,  that  all  learning  was  esteemed  among  them  to 
be  compounded  from  the  same  principle:  Because,  first,  it  is 
generally  affirmed,  or  confessed,  that  learning  puffeth  men  up  : 
and,  secondly,  they  proved  it  by  the  following  syllogism  : 
Words  are  but  wind  ;  and  learning  is  nothing  but  words;  ergo, 
learning  is  nothing  but  wind.  For  this  reason,  the  philosophers 
among  them  did,  in  their  schools,  deliver  to  their  pupils  all 
their  doctrines  and  opinions  by  eructation,  wherein  they  had 
acquired  a  wonderful  eloquence,  and  of  incredible  variety. 

But  the  great  characteristic  by  which  their  chief  sages  were 
best  distinguished,  was  a  certain  position  of  countenance, 
which  gave  undoubted  intelligence  to  what  degree  or  propor- 

*  This  is  one  of  the  names  of  Paracelsus.  He  was  called  Christo- 
pkorus,  Theophrastus,  Paracelsus,  Bumbastus. 

t  This  is  meant  of  those  seditious  preachers  who  blow  up  the  seedj 
»f  rebellion,  &c. 


A  TAIE  OP  A  TUB.  03 

tion  the  spirit  agitated  the  inward  mass.  For,  after  certain 
gripings,  the  wind  and  vapours  issuing  forth ;  having  first,  by 
their  turbulence  and  convulsions  within,  caused  an  earthquake 
in  man's  little  world;  distorted  the  mouth,  bloated  the  cheeks, 
and  gave  the  eyes  a  terrible  kind  of  relievo.  At  which  junc- 
tures, all  their  belches  were  received  for  sacred,  the  sourer  the 
better,  and  swallowed  with  infinite  consolation  by  their  meagre 
devotees.  And  to  render  these  yet  more  complete ;  because  the 
breath  of  man's  life  is  in  his  nostrils,  therefore  the  choicest,  most 
edifying,  and  most  enlivening  belches  were  very  wisely  conveyed 
through  that  vehicle,  to  give  them  a  tincture  as  they  passed. 

Their  gods,  were  the  four  winds,  whom  they  worshipped,  as 
the  spirits  that  pervade  and  enliven  the  universe,  and  as  those 
from  whom  alone  all  inspiration  can  properly  be  said  to  pro- 
ceed. However,  the  chief  of  these,  to  whom  they  performed 
the  adoration  of  latria*  was  the  almighty  North;  an  ancient 
deity,  whom  the  inhabitants  of  Megalopolis  in  Greece  had  like- 
wise in  the  highest  reverence :  Omnium  decorum  Boream  max- 
ime  celebrant.^  This  god,  though  endued  with  ubiquity,  was 
yet  supposed  by  the  profounder  JEolists  to  possess  one  peculiar 
habitation,  or  (to  speak  in  form)  a  ecelum  empyrceum,  wherein 
he  was  more  intimately  present.  This  was  situated  in  a  certain 
region',  well  known  to  the  ancient  Greeks,  by  them  called  xo?ia, 
or  the  land  of  darkness.  And  although  many  controversies 
have  arisen  upon  that  matter;  yet  so  much  is  undisputed, 
that  from  a  region  of  the  like  denomination  the  most  refined 
JEolists  have  borrowed  their  original;  from  whence,  in  every 
age,  the  zealous  among  their  priesthood  have  brought  ovenheir 
choicest  inspiration ;  fetching  it  with  their  own  hands  from  the 
fountain  head,  in  cenain  bladders,  and  disploding  it  among 
the  sectaries  in  all  nations ;  who  did,  and  do,  and  ever  will 
daily  gasp  and  pant  after  it. 

Now,  their  mysteries  and  rites  were  performed  in  this  man- 
ner. It  is  well  known  among  the  learned,  that  the  virtuosos 
of  former  ages  had  a  contrivance  for  carrying  and  preserving 
winds  in  casks  or  barrels,  which  was  of  great  assistance  upon 
long  sea- voyages;  and  the  loss  of  so  useful  an  art  at  present 
is  very  much  to  be  lamented,  though,  I  know  not  how,  with 
great  negligence  omitted  by  Pancirollus.%  It  was  an  invention 
ascribed  to/Eolus  himself,  from  whom  this  sect  is  denominat- 


*  Jjilria  is  that  worship  which  is  paid  to  the  Supreme  Being, 
t  Pausan  I.  8. 

t  An  author  who  writ  de  Artibus  Perdities,  &c,  of  arts  lost,  and  of 
Kit  invented. 


94  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

ed ;  and  who,  in  honour  of  their  founder's  memory,  have  to 
this  day  preserved  great  number  of  those  barrels,  whereof  they 
fix  one  in  each  of  their  temples,  first  beating  out  the  top. 
Into  this  barrel,  upon  solemn  days,  the  priest  enters ;  where, 
having  before  duly  prepared  himself  by  the  methods  already 
described,  a  secret  funnel  is  also  conveyed  from  his  posteriors 
to  the  bottom  of  the  barrel,  which  always  admits  new  supplies  of 
inspiration  from  a  northern  chink  or  cranny.  Whereupon  you 
behold  him  swell  immediately  to  the  shape  and  size  of  his 
vessel.  In  this  posture  he  disembogues  whole  tempests  upon, 
his  auditory,  as  the  spirit  from  beneath  gives  him  utterance  , 
which  issuing  ex  adytis  and  penetralibus ,  is  not  performed 
without  much  paia  and  gripings.  And  the  wind  in  breaking 
forth,  deals  with  his  face  as  it  does  with  that  of  the  sea  ;  first 
blackening,  then  wrinkling,  and  at  last  bursting  it  into  a  foam.* 
It  is  in  this  guise  the  sacred  ^Eclist  delivers  his  oracular  belches 
to  his  panting  disciples;  of  whom  some  are  greedily  gaping 
after  the  sanctified  breath  ;  other's  are  all  the  while  hymning 
out  the  praises  of  the  winds ;  and  gently  grafted  to  and  fro  by 
their  own  humming,  do  thus  represent  the  soft  breezes  of 
their  deities  appeased. 

It  is  from  this  custom  of  the  priests,  that  some  authors 
maintain  these  ^olisls  to  have  been  very  ancient  in  the  world  ; 
because  the  delivery  of  their  mysteries,  which  I  have  just  now 
mentioned,  appears  exactly  the  same  with  that  of  other  an- 
cient oracles,  whose  inspirations  were  owing  to  certain  subter- 
raneous effluvia  of  wind,  delivered  with  the  same  pain  to  the 
priest,  and  much  about  the  same  influence  on  the  people.  It 
is  true  indeed,  that  these  were  frequently  managed  and  direct- 
ed by  female  officers,  whose  organs  were  understood  to  be 
better  disposed  for  the  admission  of  those  oracular  gusts,  as 
entering  and  passing  up  through  a  receptacle  of  greater  capa- 
city, and  causing  also  a  pruriency  by  the  way,  such  as,  with 
due  management,  hath  been  refined  from  carnal,  into  a  spirit- 
ual ecstasy.  And  to  strengthen  this  profound  conjecture,  it  is 
farther  insisted  that  this  custom  of  femalef  priests  is  kept  up 
still  in  certain  refined  colleges  of  our  modern  ^Eolists,  who 
are  agreed  to  receive  their  inspiration,  derived  through  the 
receptacle  aforesaid,  like  their  ancestors  the  Sibyls. 

And  whereas  the  mind  of  man,  when  he  gives  the  spur  and 
bridle  to  his  thoughts,  doth  never  stop,  but  naturally  sallies 

*  This  is  an  exact  descripiion  of  the  changes  made  in  the  face  bj 
enthusiastic  preachers. 
t  Quakers,  who  suffer  their  women  to  preach  and  pray. 


A  TALE  OP  A  TUB.  95 

out  into  both  extremes  of  high  and  low,  of  good  and  evil ;  his 
first  flight  of  fancy  commonly  transports  him  to  ideas  of  what 
is  most  perfect,  finished,  and  exalted  ;  till  having  soared  out 
of  his  own  reach  and  sight,  not  well  perceiving  how  near  the 
frontiers  of  height  and  depth  border  upon  each  other,  with  the 
same  course  and  wing  he  falls  down  plump  into  the  lowest 
bottom  of  things ;  like  one  who  travels  the  east  into  the  west, 
or  like  a  strait  line  drawn  by  its  own  length  into  a  circle. 
Whether  a  tincture  of  malice  in  our  natures  makes  us  fond  of 
furnishing  every  bright  idea  with  its  reverse  ;  or  whether  rea- 
son, reflecting  upon  the  sum  of  things,  can,  like  the  sun,  serve 
only  to  enlighten  one  half  of  the  globe,  leaving  the  other  half 
by  necessity,  under  shade  and  darkness ;  or  whether  fancy, 
flying  up  to  the  imagination  of  what  is  highest  and  best,  be- 
comes over-short,  and  spent  and  weary,  and  suddenly  falls, 
like  a  dead  bird  of  paradise,  to  the  ground;  or  whether,  after 
all  these  metaphysical  conjectures,  I  have  not  entirely  missed 
the  true  reason;  the  proposition,  however,  which  hath  stood 
me  in  so  much  circumstance,  is  altogether  true,  that,  as  the 
most  uncivilized  parts  of  mankind  nave  some  way  or  other 
climbed  up  into  the  conception  of  £.  god,  or  supreme  power, 
so  they  have  seldom  forgot  to  provide  their  fears  with  certain 
ghastly  notions,  which,  instead  of  better,  have  served  them 
pretty  tolerably  for  a  devil.  And  this  proceeding  seems  to  be 
natural  enough  :  for  it  is  with  men  whose  imaginations  are 
lifted  up  very  high,  after  the  same  rate  as  with  those  whose 
bodies  are  so;  that  as  they  are  delighted  with  the  advantage 
of  a  nearer  contemplation  upwards,  so  they  are  equally  terrified 
with  the  dismal  prospect  of  the  precipice  below.  Thus,  in  the 
choice  of  a  devil,  it  hath  been  the  usual  method  of  mankind, 
to  single  out  some  being,  either  in  act  or  in  vision,  which  was 
in  most  antipathy  to  the  god  they  had  framed.  Thus  also  the 
sect  of  ^Eolists  possessed  themselves  with  a  dread,  and  horror, 
and  hatred  of  two  malignant  natures,  betwixt  whom  and  the 
deities  they  adored,  perpetual  enmity  was  established.  The 
first  of  these  was  the  camelion,*  sworn  foe  to  inspiration,  who, 
in  scorn,  devoured  large  influences  of  their  god,  without  refund- 
ing the  smallest  blast  by  eructation.  The  other  was  a  huge 
terrible  monster,  called  Moulivanet,  who  with  four  strong  arms 
waged  eternal  battle  with  all  their  divinities,  dexterously  turn- 
ing to  avoid  their  blows,  and  repay  them  with  interest. 

*  I  do  not  well  understand  what  the  author  aims  at  here,  any  more 
than  by  the  terrible  monster  mentioned  in  the  following  lines,  called 
Moulinavent,  which  is  the  French  word  for  a  windmill. 


96  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

Thus  furnisaed  and  set  out  with  gods  as  well  as  devils,  was 
the  renewed  sect  of  ^Eolists ;  which  makes  at  this  day  so  illus- 
trious a  figure  in  the  world,  and  whereof  that  polite  nation 
of  Laplanders  are  beyond  all  doubt  a  most  authentic  branch  : 
of  whom  I  therefore  cannot,  without  injustice,  here  omit  to  make 
honourable  mention ;  since  they  appear  to  be  so  closely  allied 
in  point  of  interest,  as  well  as  inclinations,  with  their  brother 
^Eolists  among  us,  as  not  only  to  buy  their  winds  by  whole- 
sale from  the  same  merchants,  but  also  to  retail  them  after  the 
same  rate  and  method,  and  to  customers  much  alike^ 

Now,  whether  the  system  here  delivered  was  wholly  com- 
piled by  Jack,  or,  as  some  writers  believe,  rather  copied  from 
the  original  at  Delphos,  with  certain  additions  and  emendations 
suited  to  times  and  circumstances;  I  shall  noi  absolutely  de- 
termine. This  I  may  affirm,  that  Jack  gave  it  at  least  a  new 
turn,  and  formed  it  into  the  same  dress  and  model  as  it  lies 
deduced  by  me. 

1  have  long  sought  after  this  opportunity  of  doing  justice  to 
a  society  of  men  for  whom  I  have  a  peculiar  honour,  and 
whose  opinions,  as  well  as  practices,  have  been  extremely 
misrepresented  and  traduced  by  the  malice  or  ignorance  of 
their  adversaries.  For  I  think  it  one  of  the  greatest  and  best 
of  human  actions,  to  remove  prejudices,  and  place  things  in 
their  truest  and  fairest  light ;  which  I  therefore  boldly  under- 
take, without  any  regards  of  my  own,  beside  the  conscience, 
the  honour,  and  the  thanks. 


SECTION  IX. 

A  DIGRESSION   CONCERNING  THE    ORIGINAL,  THE  USE  AND 
IMPROVEMENT  OF  MADNESS  IN  A  COMMONWEALTH. 

NOR  shall  it  any  wise  detract  from  the  just  reputation  of 
this  famous  sect,  that  its  rise  and  institution  are  owing  to  such 
an  author  as  I  have  described  Jack  to  he ;  a  person  whose  in- 
tellectuals were  overturned,  and  his  brain  shaken  out  of  its 
natural  position  ;  which  we  commonly  suppose  to  be  a  dis- 
temper, and  called  by  the  name  of  madness  or  phrenzy.  For, 
if  we  take  a  survey  of  the  greatest  actions  that  have  been  per- 
formed in  the  world  under  the  influence  of  single  men  ;  which 
are,  the  establishment  of  new  empires  by  conquest ;  the  ad- 
vance and  progress  of  new  schemes  in  philosophy  ;  and  the 
contriving,  as  well  as  the  propagating  of  new  religions ;  we 


.k  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  MADNESS.  91 

shall  find  the  authors  of  them  all  to  have  been  persons  whose 
natural  reason  hath  admitted  great  revolutions,  from  their  diet, 
their  education,  the  prevalency  of  some  certain  temper,  to- 
gether with  the  particular  influence  of  air  and  climate.  Besides, 
there  is  something  individual  in  human  minds,  that  easily 
kindles  at  the  accidental  approach  and  collision  of  certain 
circumstances,  which,  though  of  paltry  and  mean  appearance, 
do  often  flame  out  into  the  greatest  emergencies  of  life.  For 
great  turns  are  not  always  given  by  strong  hands,  but  by  lucky 
adaption,  and  at  proper  seasons.  And  it  is  of  no  import,  where 
the  fire  was  kindled,  if  the  vapour  has  once  gone  up  into  the 
brain.  For  the  upper  region  of  man  is  furnished  like  the  mid- 
dle region  of  the  air  :  the  materials  are  formed  from  causes  of 
the  widest  difference,  yet  produce  at  last  the  same  substance 
and  effect.  Mists  arise  from  the  earth,  steams  from  dunghills, 
exhalations  from  the  sea,  and  smoke  from  fire ;  yet  all  clouds 
are  the  same  in  composition,  as  well  as  consequences  ;  and 
the  fumes  issuing  from  a  Jakes,  will  furnish  as  comely  and 
useful  a  vapour,  as  incense  from  an  altar.  Thus  far,  I  suppose, 
will  easily  be  granted  me ;  and  then  it  will  follow,  that  as  the 
face  of  nature  never  produces  rain,  but  when  is  it  overcast 
and  disturbed ;  so  human  understanding,  seated  in  the  brain, 
must  be  troubled  and  overspread  by  vapours  ascending  from 
the  lower  faculties,  to  water  the  invention,  and  render  it  fruit- 
ful. Now,  although  these  vapours  (as  it  hath  been  already 
said)  are  of  as  various  original  as  those  of  the  skies;  yet  the 
crop  they  produce,  differs  both  in  kind  and  degree,  merely 
according  to  the  soil.  I  will  produce  two  instances  to  prove 
and  expjain  what  I  am  now  advancing. 

A  certain  great  prince*  raised  a  mighty  army,  filled  his  cof- 
fers with  infinite  treasures,  provided  an  invincible  fleet;  ana 
all  this,  without  giving  the  least  part  of  his  design  to  his  great- 
est ministers,  or  his  nearest  favourites.  Immediately  the 
whole  world  was  alarmed  ;  the  neighbouring  crowns  in  trem- 
bling expectations  towards  what  point  the  storm  would  burst, 
the  small  politicians  every  where  forming  profound  conjectures 
Some  believed  he  had  laid  a  scheme  for  universal  monarchy  : 
others,  after  muc..  insight,  determined  the  matter  to  be  a  pro- 
ject for  pulling  down  the  Pope,  and  setting  up  the  Reformed 
religion,  which  had  once  been  his  own.  Some  again,  of  a 
deeper  sagacity,  sent  him  into  Asia,  to  subdue  the  Turk,  and 
recover  Palestine.  la  the  midst  of  all  these  projects  and  pre- 
parations, a  certain  state  surgeon.f  gathering  the  nature  of  the 

*  This  was  Henry  the  Great,  of  France. 

t  Ravillac,  who  stabbed  Henry  the  Great,  in  hia  coach. 


W  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

disea.i  b)  vht^e  symptoms,  attempted  the  cure ;  at  one  blow 
performed  the  operation,  broke  the  bag,  and  out  flew  the  va- 
pour. Nor  did  any  thing  want  to  render  it  a  complete  remedy, 
only  that  the  prime  unfortunately  happened  to  die  in  the  perform- 
ance. Now,  is  the  reader  exceeding  curious  to  learn,  from 
whence  this  vapour  took  its  rise,  which  had  so  long  set  the 
nations  at  a  gaze !  what  secret  wheel,  what  hidden  spring, 
could  put  into  motion  so  wonderful  an  engine.  It  was  after- 
wards discovered,  that  the  movement  of  this  whole  machine 
had  been  directed  by  an  absent  female,  whose  eyes  had  raised 
a  protuberancy,  and.  before  emission,  she  was  removed  into 
an  enemy's  country.  What  should  an  unhappy  prince  do  in 
such  ticklish  circumstances  as  these?  He  tried  in  vain  the 
poets  never  failing  receipt  of  corpora  quceque  for, 

Idque  qetit  corpus  r.nens  unde  est  saucia  amore  ; 
Unde  feritur,  eo  tendit,  gestique  coire.  Liter. 

Having  to  no  purpose  used  all  peaceable  endeavours,  the 
collected  part  of  the  semen,  raised  and  inflamed,  became  a  dust, 
converted  to  choler,  turned  head  upon  the  spinal  duct,  and  as- 
cended to  the  brain.  The  very  same  principle,  that  influences 
a  bully  to  break  the  windows  of  a  whore  who  has  jilted  him, 
naturally  stirs  up  a  great  prince  to  raise  mighty  armies,  and 
dream  of  nothing  but  sieges,  battles,  and  victories ; 

Cunnus  teterrimi  belli 

•  Causa. 

The  other  instance  is,  what  I  have  read  somewhere  in  a 
Tery  ancient  author,  of  a  mighty  king,*  who,  for  the  space  of 
above  thirty  years,  amustd  himself  to  take  and  lose  towns ; 
beat  armies,  and  be  beaten  ;  drive  princes  out  of  their  domin- 
ions ;  fright  children  from  their  bread  and  butter;  burn,  lay 
waste,  plunder,  dragoon,  mnssacre  subject  and  stranger,  friend 
and  foe,  male  and  female.  It  is  recorded,  that  the  philosophers 
of  each  country  were  in  grape  dispute  upon  causes  natural, 
moral,  and  political,  to  find  aut  whjere  they  should  assign  an 
original  solution  of  this  phenomenon.  At  last  the  vapour  or 
spirit  which  animated  the  hero's  brain,  being  in  perpetual  cir- 
culation, seized  upon  that  region  of  human  body,  so  renowned 
for  furnishing  the  zibeta  occidental!*,]  and  gathering  there  into 

*  This  is  meant  of  the  French  King,  Louis  XIV. 

t  Paracelsus,  who  was  so  famous  for  chemistry,  tried  an  experi- 
ment upon  human  excrement,  to  make  perfume  of  it ;  which  when 
he  had  brought  to  perfection,  he  called  zibeta  occidentals,  or  western 
civet,  the  back  parts  of  man  (according  to  its  division  mentioned  b» 
the  author,  p.  95)  being  the  West. 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  MADNESS.  09 

a  tumor,  left  th£  rest  of  the  world  for  that  time  in  peace.     Of 
such  mighty  consequence  it  is,  where  those  exhalations  fix 
and  of  so  little,  from  whence  they  proceed.     The  same  spirits 
which,  in  their  superior  progress,  would  conquer  a  kingdom, 
descending  upon  the  anus,  conclude  in  a  fistula. 

Let  us  next  examine  the  great  introducers  of  new  schemes 
in  philosophy,  and  search  till  we  can  find  from  what  faculty 
of  the  soul  the  disposition  arises  in  mortal  man,  of  taking  it 
into  his  head  to  advance  new  systems  with  such  an  eager  zeal 
in  things  agreed  on  all  hands  impossible  to  be  known  ;  from 
what  seeds  this  disposition  springs,  and  to  what  quality  of 
human  nature  these  grand  innovators  have  been  indebted  for 
their  number  of  disciples;  because  it  is  plain,  that  several  of 
the  chief  among  them,  both  ancient  and  modern,  were  usually 
mistaken  by  their  adversaries,  and  indeed  by  all,  except  their 
own  followers,  to  have  been  persons  crazed,  or  out  of  their 
wits;  having  generally  proceeded  in  the  common  course  of 
their  words  and  actions,  by  a  method  very  different  from  the 
vulgar  dictates  of  unrefined  reason;  agreeing,  for  the  most 
part,  in  their  several  models,  with  their  present  undoubted 
successors  in  the  academy  of  Modern  Bedlam  ;  (whose  merits 
and  principles  I  shall  further  examine  in  due  place.)  Of  this 
kind'were  Epicurus,  Diogenes,  Apollonius,  Lucretius,  Para- 
celsus, Des  Cartes,  and  others;  who,  if  they  were  now  in  the 
world,  tied  fast  and  separate  from  their  followers  would,  in 
this  our  undistinguishing  age,  incur  manifest  danger  of  phle- 
botomy and  whips,  and  chains,  and  dark  chambers,  and  straw. 
For  what  man,  in  the  natural  state  or  course  of  thinking,  did 
ever  conceive  it  in  his  power  to  reduce  the  notions  of  all  man- 
kind exactly  to  the  same  length  and  breadth,  and  height  of  his 
own  ?  Yet  this  is  the  first  humble  and  civil  design  of  all  in- 
novators in  the  empire  of  reason.  Epicurus  modestly  hoped, 
that  one  time  or  other,  a  certain  fortuitous  concourse  of  all 
men's  opinions,  after  perpetual  justlings,  the  sharp  with  the 
smooth,  the  light  and  the  heavy,  the  round  and  the  square, 
would,  by  a  certain  cUnamina,  unite  in  the  notions  of  atoms 
and  void,  as  these  did  in  the  originals  of  all  things.  Cartesius 
reckoned  to  see  before  he  died,  the  sentiment  of  all  philosophers, 
like  so  many  lesser  stars  in  his  romantic  system,  wrapt  and 
drawn  within  his  own  vortex.  Now,  I  would  gladly  be  in 
formed,  how  it  is  possible  to  account  (or  such  imaginations  as 
these  in  particular  men,  without  recourse  to  my  plicenamenon 
of  vapours,  ascending  from  the  lower  faculties  tu  overshadow 
the  brain,  and  their  distilling  into  conceptions,  for  which  the 
narrowness  of  our  mother-tongue  has  not  yet  assigned  any 


100  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

other  name  besides  that  of  madness  or  phrensy.  Let  us  there- 
fore now  conjecture  how  it  comes  to  pass,  that  none  of  these 
great  prescribers  do  ever  fail  providing  themselves  and  their 
notions  with  a  number  of  implicit  disciples.  And  I  think  the 
reason  is  easy  to  be  assigned  :  for  there  is  a  peculiar  string  is 
ihe  harmony  of  human  understanding,  which  in  several  indi- 
viduals is  exactly  of  the  same  meaning.  This  if  you  can  dex- 
terously screw  up  to  its  right  key,  and  then  strike  gently  upon 
it;  whenever  you  have  the  good  fortune  to  light  among  those 
of  the  same  pitch,  they  will,  by  a  secret  necessary  sympathy, 
strike  exactly  at  the  same  time.  And  in  this  one  circumstance 
lies  all  the  skill  or  luck  of  the  matter:  for  if  you  chariee  to  jar 
the  string  among  those  who  are  either  above  or  below  your 
own  height;  instead  of  subscribing  to  your  doctrine,  they  will 
tie  you  fast,  call  you  mad,  and  feed  you  with  bread  and  water. 
It  is  therefore  a  point  of  the  nicest  conduct,  to  distinguish  and 
adapt  this  noble  talent,  with  respect  to  the  differences  of  per- 
sons and  of  times.  Cicero  understood  this  very  well,  when 
writing  to  a  friend  in  England,  with  a  caution,  among  other 
matters,  to  beware  of  being  cheated  by  our  hackney-coachmen, 
who,  it  seems,  in  those  days,  were  as  arrant  rascals  as  they 
are  now,  has  these  remarkable  words  :  Est  quod  gaudeas  te  in 
ista  loca  venisse,  ubi  aliquid  sapere  viderere.*  For,  to  speak  a 
bold  truth,  it  is  a  fatal  miscarriage,  so  ill  to  order  affairs,  as  to 
pass  for  a  fool  in  one  company,  when  in  another  you  might 
be  treated  as  a  philosopher.  Which  I  desire  some  certain 
gentlemen  of  my  acquaintance  to  lay  up  in  their  hearts,  as  a 
very  seasonable  inuendo. 

This  indeed  was  the  fatal  mistake  of  that  worthy  gentleman, 
my  most  ingenious  friend,  Mr.  W — tt — n,  a  person,  in  ap- 
pearance ordained  for  great  designs,  as  well  as  performances, 
whether  you  will  consider  his  notions  or  his  looks.  Surely 
no  man  ever  advanced  into  the  public  with  fitter  qualifications 
of  body  and  mind  for  the  propagation  of  a  new  religion.  Oh! 
had  those  happy  talents,  misapplied  to  vain  philosophy,  been 
turned  into  their  proper  channels  of  dreams  and  visions,  where 
distortion  of  mind  and  countenance  are  of  such  sovereign  use, 
the  base  detracting  world  would  not  then  have  dared  to  report, 
that  something  is  amiss,  that  his  brain  hath  undergone  an  un- 
lucky shake ;  which  even  his  brother  modernists  themselves, 
like  ungrates,  do  whisper  so  loud,  that  it  reaches  up  to  the 
very  garret  I  am  now  writing  in. 

Lastly,  Whosoever  pleases  to  look  into  the  fountains  of  eo- 

l*  Epi$t.  ad  Fam,  Trebatio.} 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  MADNESS.  101 

thusiasm,  from  whence  in  all  ages,  have  eternally  proceeded 
such  fattening  streams,  will  find  the  spring- head  to  have  been 
•is  troubled  and  muddy  as  the  current. 

Of  such  great  emolument  is  a  tincture  of  this  vapour,  which 
the  world  calls  madness,  that,  without  its  help,  the  world 
would  not  only  be  deprived  of  those  two  great  blessings,  con- 
quests and  systems,  but  even  all  mankind  would  unhappily 
be  reduced  to  the  same  belief  in  things  invisible.  Now,  the 
former  postulatum  being  held,  that  it  is  of  no  import  from 
what  originals  this  vapour  proceeds,  but  either  in  what  angles 
it  strikes,  and  spreads  over  the  understanding,  or  upon  what 
species  of  brain  it  ascends;  it  will  be  a  very  delicate  point,  to 
cut  the  feathrr,  and  divide  the  several  reasons  to  a  nice  and 
curious  reader,  how  this  numerical  difference  iu  the  brain  can 
produce  effects  of  so  vast  a  difference  from  the  same  vapour, 
as  to  be  the  sole  point  of  indiviiiuation  between  Alexander  the 
Great,  Jack  of  Leyden,  and  Monsieur  Des  Cartes.  The  pre- 
sejit  argument  is  the  most  abstracted  that  ever  I  engaged  in  : 
it  strains  my  faculties  to  their  highest  stretch  :  and  I  desire  the 
reader  to  attend  with  the  utmost  propensity ;  for  I  nowproceed  to 
unravel  this  knotty  point. 

Tl;ere  is  in  mankind  a  certain       *        *          *        *        * 

*  *          *        *          *         #          **          *** 

**#**#%# 

*        *     Hie  MvJta 

*  *          *         *          ##          #  ^      *    desiderantur. 

*  #          ##          *         #          #        * 

*         *          *       (*.)  And  this  I  take  to  be  a  clear 
solution  of  the  matter. 

Having  therefore  so  narrowly  passed  through  this  intricate 
difficulty,  the  reader  will,  I  am  sure,  agree  with  me  in  the 
conclusion,  that,  if  the  moderns  mean  by  madness  only  a 
disturbance  or  transposition  of  the  brain,  by  force  of  certain 
vapours  issuing  up  from  the  lower  faculties,  then  has  this 
madness  been  the  parent  of  all  those  mighty  revolutions  that 
have  happened  in  empire,  in  philosophy,  and  in  religion. 
For  the  brain,  in  its  natural  position  and  state  of  serenity,  dis- 
poseth  its  owner  to  pass  his  life  in  the  common  forms,  without 
any  thoughts  of  subduing  multitudes  to  his  own  power,  his  rea- 
sons, or  his  visions :  and  the  more  he  shapes  his  understand- 
ing by  the  pattern  of  human  learning,  the  less  he  is  inclined 

*  Here  is  another  defect  in  the  manuscript ;  but  I  think  the  author 
did  wisely,  and  that  the  matter  which  thus  strained  his  faculties,  was 
not  worth  a  solution ;  and  it  were  well  if  all  metaphysical  cobweb 
problems  were  no  otherwise  answered. 
I  2 


102  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

to  form  parties  after  his  particular  notions ;  because  that  in 
structs  him  in  his  private  infirmities,  as  well  as  in  the  stubborn 
ignorance  of  the  people.  But  when  a  man's  fancy  gets  astride 
on  his  reason,  when  imagination  is  at  cuffs  with  the  senses,  and 
common  understanding,  as  well  as  common  sense,  is  kicked 
out  of  doors,  the  first  proselyte  he  makes,  is  himself;  and 
when  that  is  once  compassed,  the  difficulty  is  not  so  great  in 
bringing  over  others;  a  strong  delusion  always  operating  from 
without  as  vigorously  as  from  within.  For  cant  and  vision 
are  to  the  ear  and  the  eye  the  same  that  tickling  is  to  the 
touch.  Those  entertainments  and  pleasures  we  most  value  in 
life,  are  such  as  dupe  and  play  the  wag  with  the  senses.  For 
if  we  take  an  examination  of  what  is  generally  understood  by 
happiness,  as  it  has  respect  either  to  the  understanding  or  the 
senses,  we  shall  find  all  its  properties  and  adjuncts  will  herd 
under  this  short  definition.  That  it  is  a  perpetual  possession 
of  heing  well  deceived.  And,  first,  with  relation  to  the  mind 
or  understanding,  it  is  manifest  what  mighty  advantages  fic- 
tion has  over  truth  :  and  the  reason  is  just  at  our  elbow;  be- 
cause imagination  can  build  nobler  scenes,  and  produce  more 
wonderful  revolutions,  than  fortune  or  nature  will  be  at  ex- 
pense to  furnish.  Nur  is  mankind  so  much  to  blame  in  his 
choice  thus  determining  him,  if  we  consider  that  the  debate 
merely  lies  between  things  past,  and  things  conceived.  And 
so  the  question  is  only  this  :  Whether  things  that  have  place 
in  the  imagination,  may  not  as  properly  be  said  to  exist,  as 
those  that  are  seated  in  the  memory  1  Which  may  be  justly 
held  in  the  affirmative :  and  very  much  to  the  advantage  of 
the  former ;  since  this  is  acknowledged  to  be  the  womb  of 
things,  and  the  other  allowed  to  be  no  more  than  the  grave. 
Again,  if  we  take  this  definition  of  happiness,  and  examine  it 
with  reference  to  the  senses,  it  will  be  acknowledged  wonder- 
fully adapt.  How  fading  and  insipid  do  all  objects  accost  us 
that  are  not  conveyed  in  the  vehicle  of  delusion  !  How  shrunk 
is  every  thing  as  it  appears  in  the  glass  of  nature  !  So  that,  if 
it  were  not  for  the  assistance  of  artificial  mediums,  false  lights, 
refracted  angles,  varnish,  and  tinsel,  there  would  be  a  mighty 
level  in  the  felicity  and  enjoyments  of  mortal  men.  If  this 
were  seriously  considered  by  the  world,  as  I  have  a  certain 
reason  to  suspect  it  hardly  will,  men  would  no  longer  reckon 
among  their  high  points  of  wisdom,  the  art  of  exposing  weak 
sides,  and  publishing  infirmities  :  An  employment,  in  my 
opinion,  neither  better  nor  worse  than  that  of  unmasking; 
which  I  think  has  never  been  allowed  fair  usage,  either  in  the 
world  or  the  playhouse. 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  MADNESS.  103 

In  the  proportion  that  credulity  is  a  more  peaceful  posses- 
sion of  the  mind  than  curiosity,  so  far  preferable  is  that  wis- 
dom which  converses  about  the  surface,  to  that  pretended 
philosophy  which  enters  into  the  depth  of  things,  and  then 
comes  gravely  back  with  informations  and  discoveries,  that  in 
the  inside  they  are  good  for  nothing.  The  two  senses  to 
which  all  objects  first  address  themselves,  are  the  sight  and  the 
touch.  These  never  examine  farther  than  t  le  colour,  the  shape, 
the  size,  and  whatever  other  qualities  dwell,  or  are  drawn  by  art 
upon  the  outward  of  bodies  ;  and  then  comes  reason  officious- 
ly, with  tools  for  cutting,  and  opening,  and  mangling,  and 
piercing,  offering  to  demonstrate,  that  they  are  not  of  the 
same  consistence  quite  through.  Now,  I  take  ail  this  to  be  the 
last  degree  of  perverting  nature;  one  of  whose  eternal  laws  it 
is,  to  put  her  best  furniture  forward.  And  therefore,  in  order 
to  save  the  charges  of  all  such  expensive  anatomy  for  the 
time  to  come,  I  do  here  think  fit  to  inform  the  reader,  that,  in 
such  conclusions  as  these,  reason  is  certainly  in  the  right  ; 
and  that  in  most  corporeal  beings  which  have  fallen  under  my 
cognisance,  the  outside  hath  been  infinitely  preferable  to  the 
in.  Whereof  I  have  been  farther  convincecfTrom  some  late 
experiments.  Last  week  I  saw  a  woman  flayed,  and  you  will 
hardly  believe  how  much  it  altered  her  person  for  the  worse. 
Yesterday  I  ordered  the  carcase  of  a  beau  to  be  stript  in  my 
presence ;  when  we  were  all  amazed  to  find  so  many  unsus- 
pected faults  under  one  suit  of  clothes.  Then  I  laid  open  his 
brain,  his  heart,  and  hte  spleen.  But  I  plainly  perceived  at 
every  operation,  that  the  farther  we  proceeded,  we  found  the 
defects  increase  upon  us  in  number  and  bulk.  From  all  which 
I  justly  formed  this  conclusion  to  myself.  That  whatever 
philosopher  or  projector  can  find  out  an  art  to  solder  and  patch 
up  the  flaws  and  imperfections  of  nature,  will  deserve  much 
better  of  mankind,  and  teach  us  a  more  useful  science,  than 
that  so  much  in  present  esteem,  of  widening  and  exposing 
them,  (like  hjm  who  held  anatomy  to  be  the  ultimate  end  of 
physic.)  And  he  whose  fortunes  and  dispositions  have  placed 
him  in  a  convenient  station  to  enjoy  the  fruit  of  this  noble  art; 
he  that  can,  with  Epicurus,  content  his  ideas  with  the  films 
and  images  that  fly  off  upon  his  senses  from  the  superficies  of 
things;  such  a  man,  truly  wise,  creams  off  nature,  leaving 
the  sour  and  the  dregs  for  philosophy  and  reason  to  lap  up. 
This  is  the  sublime  and  refined  point  of  felicity,  called  the  pos- 
session of  being  well  deceived ;  the  serene  peaceful  stale  of 
being  a  fool  among  knaves. 

But  to  return  to  madness:  It  is  certain,  that,  according  ID 


104  A   TALE  OF  A  TUB 

the  system  I  ha^e  above  deduced,  every  species  thereof  pro- 
ceeds from  a  redundancy  of  vapour  ;  therefore,  as  some  kinds 
of  phrensy  give  double  strength  to  the  sinews,  so  there  are 
other  species,  which  add  vigour,  and  life,  and  spirit,  to  the 
brain.  Now,  it  usually  happens,  that  these  active  spirits,  get- 
ting possession  of  the  brain,  resemble  those  that  haunt  other 
waste  and  empty  dwellings,  which,  for  want  of  business, 
either  vanish,  and  carry  away  a  piece  of  the  house,  or  else  stay 
at  home,  and  fling  it  all  out  of  the  windows.  By  which  are 
mystically  displayed  the  two  principle  branches  of  madness ; 
and  which  some  philosophers,  not  considering  so  well  as  I, 
have  mistook  to  be  different  in  their  causes  ;  over  hastily  as- 
signing the  first  to  deficiency,  and  the  othei  to  redundance. 

I  think  it  therefore  manifest,  from  what  I  have  here  advanc- 
ed, that  the  main  point  of  skill  and  address,  is,  to  furnish  em- 
ployment for  this  redundancy  of  vapour,  and  prudently  to  ad- 
just the  seasons  of  it;  by  which  means  it  may  certainly  become 
of  cardinal  and  catholic  emolument  in  a  commonwealth.  Thus 
one  man,  chosing  a  proper  juncture,  leaps  into  a  gulph,  from 
thence  proceeds  a  hero,  and  is  called  the  saviour  of  his  country : 
another  achieves  the  same  enterprise;  but  unluckily  timing  it, 
has  left  the  brand  of  madness  fixed  as  a  reproach  upon  his 
memory.  Upon  so  nice  a  distinction  are  we  taught  to  repeat 
the  name  of  Curtius  with  reverence  and  love;  that  of  Empe- 
docles,  with  hatred  and  contempt.  Thus  also  it  is  usually 
conceived,  that  the  elder  Brutus  only  personated  the  fool  and 
madman  for  the  good  of  the  public.  But  this  was  nothing  else 
than  a  redundancy  of  the  same  vapour,  long  misapplied,  call- 
ed by  the  Latins,  ingenium  par  negotiisf  or,  (to  translate  it  as 
nearly  as  I  can,)  a  sort  of  phrensy,  never  in  its  right  element 
till  you  take  it  up  in  the  business  of  the  state. 

Upon  all  which,  and  many  other  reasons  of  equal  weight 
though  not  equally  curious,  I  do  here  glady  embrace  an  op- 
portunity I  have  long  sought  for,  of  recommending  it  as  a  very 

noble  undertaking,  to  Sir  E d  S r,  Sir  C r 

M ve,  Sir  J n  B Is,  J n  H w, 

Esq. ;  and  other  patriots  concerned,  that  they  would  move  for 
leave  to  bring  in  a  bill,  for  appointing  commissioners  to  inspect 
into  Bedlam,  and  the  parts  adjacent;  who  shall  be  empowered 
to  send  for  persons,  papers,  and  records  ;  to  examine  into  the 
merits  and  qualifications  of  every  student  and  professor;  to 
observe  with  the  utmost  exactness  their  several  dispositions 
and  behaviour;  by  which  means,  duly  distinguishing  and 
adapting  their  talents,  they  might  produce  admirable  instru- 
ments for  the  several  offices  in  a  state,f  *  * 
[*  Tacit.]  tEcclesiastical. 


A  DIGRESSION  CONCERNING  MADNESS.  105 

rivil  and  military  ;  proceeding  in  such  method  as  I  shall  here 
humbly  propose.  And  I  hope  the  gentle  reader  will  give  some 
allowance  to  my  great  solicitudes  in  this  important  affair,  upon 
account  of  that  high  esteem  I  have  ever  borne  that  honour- 
able society,  whereof  I  had  sometime  the  happiness  to  be  an 
unworthy  member. 

Is  any  student  tearing  his  straw  in  piece-meal,  swearing  and 
blaspheming,  biting  his  grate,  foaming  at  the  mouth,  and  emp- 
tying his  pisspot  in  the  spectators'  faces?  Let  the  right  wor- 
shipful the  Commissioners  of  inspection  gfve  him  a  regiment 
of  dragoons,  and  send  him  into  Flanders  among  the  rest.  Is 
another  eternally  talking,  sputtering,  gaping,  bawling,  in  a 
sound  without  period  or  article?  What  wonderful  talents  are 
nere  mislaid  !  Let  him  be  furnished  immediately  with  a  green 
bag  and  papers,  and  three-pence*  in  his  pocket,  and  away  with 
him  to  Westminster-hall. 

You  will  find  a  third  gravely  taking  the  dimensions  of  his 
kennel;  a  person  of  foresight  and  insight,  though  kept  quite 
in  the  dark  ;  for  why,  like  Moses  ecce  cornuta^  erat  ejus  fades. 
He  walks  duly  in  one  pace;  entreats  your  penny  with  due 
gravity  and  ceremony ;  talks  much  of  hard  times,  and  taxes, 
and  the  whore  of  Babylon  ;  bars  up  the  wooden  window  of 
his  c"ell  constantly  at  eight  o'clock  ;  dreams  of  fire,  and  shop- 
lifters, and  court-customers,  and  privileged  places.  Now. 
what  a  figure  would  all  these  acquirements  amount  to,  if  the 
owner  were  sent  into  the  city  among  his  brethren  !  Behold  a 
fourth,  in  much  and  deep  conversation  with  himself;  biting 
his  thumbs  at  proper  junctures ;  his  countenance  checquered 
with  business  and  design  ;  sometimes  walking  very  fast,  with 
his  eyes  nailed  to  a  paper  that  he  holds  in  his  hands;  a  great 
saver  of  time;  somewhat  thick  of  hearing;  very  short  of  sight, 
hut  more  of  memory  ;  a  man  ever  in  haste,  a  great  hatcher 
and  breeder  of  business,  and  excellent  at  the  famous  art  of 
whispering  nothing;  a  huge  idolator  of  monosyllables  and 
procrastination;  so  ready  to  give  his  word  to  every  body,  that 
he  never  keeps  it;  one  that  has  forgotten  the  common  mean 
ing  of  words,  but  an  admirable  retainer  of  the  sound ;  extremely 
subject  to  the  looseness,  for  his  occasions  are  perpetually  call- 
ing him  away.  If  you  approach  his  grate  in  his  familiar  in- 
tervals, "  Sirj  (says  he,)  give  me  a  penny,  and  I'll  sing  you  a 

*  A  lawyer's  coach-hire,  when  four  together  come  in  an  hackney- 
coach  to  Westminster-hall. 

t  Cornutus  is  either  horned  or  shining ;  and  by  this  terra  Moses  in 
described  in  the  vulgar  Latin  of  the  Bible. 


106  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

song  ;  but  give  me  the  penny  first."  (Hence  comes  the  com- 
mon saying,  and  commoner  practice,  of  parting  with  money 
for  a  song.)  What  a  complete  system  of  court  skill  is  here 
described  in  every  branch  of  it,  and  all  utterly  lost  with  wrong 
application?  Accost  the  hole  of  another  kennel,  first  stopping 
your  nose,  you  will  behold  a  surly,  gloomy,  nasty,  slovenly 
mortal,  raking  in  his  own  dung,  and  dabbling  in  his  urine. 
The  best  part  of  his  diet,  is  the  reversion  of  his  own  ordure; 
which,  expiring  into  steams,  whirls  perpetually  about,  and  at 
last  re-infunds.  His  complexion  is  of  a  dirty  yellow,  with  a 
train  scattered  beard,  exactly  agreeable  to  that  of  his  diet,  upon 
its  first  declination  ;  like  other  insects,  who  having  their  birth 
and  education  in  an  excrement,  from  thence  borrow  their 
colour  and  their  smell.  The  student  of  this  apartment  is  very 
sparing  of  his  words,  but  somewhat  over-liberal  of  his  breath; 
he  holds  his  hand  out  ready  to  receive  your  penny,  and  im- 
mediately upon  receipt,  withdraws  to  his  former  occupations. 
Now,  is  it  not  amazing,  to  think,  the  society  of  Warwick-lane 
should  have  no  more  concern  for  the  recovery  of  so  useful  a 
member,  who,  if  one  may  judge  from  these  appearances, 
would  become  the  greatest  ornament  to  that  illustrious  body  1 
Another  student  struts  up  fiercely  to  your  teeth,  puffing  with 
his  lips,  half  squeezing  out  his  eyes,  and  very  graciously  holds 
you  out  his  hands  to  kiss.  The  keeper  desires  you  not  to  be 
afraid  of  this  professor,  for  he  will  do  you  no  hurt.  To  him 
alone  is  allowed  the  liberty  of  the  anti-chamber ;  and  the  orator 
of  the  place  gives  you  to  understand,  that  this  solemn  person 
is  a  tailor,  run  mad  with  pride.  This  considerable  student 
is  adorned  with  many  other  qualities,  upon  which,  at  present, 

I  shall  no  farther  enlarge, — Hark  in  your  ear* • 

I  am  strangely  mistaken,  if  all  his  address,  his  motions,  and 
his  airs,  would  not  then  be  very  natural,  and  in  their  proper 
element. 

I  shall  not  descend  so  minutely  as  to  insist  upon  the  vast 
number  of  beaux,  fiddlers,  poets,  and  politicians,  that  the  world 
might  recover  by  such  a  reformation.  But  what  is  more  ma- 
terial, besides  the  clear  gain  redounding  to  the  commonwealth 
by  so  large  an  acquisition  of  persons  to  employ,  whose  talents 
and  acquirements,  if  I  may  be  so  bold  to  affirm  it,  are  now 
buried,  or  at  least  misapplied  ;  it  would  be  a  mighty  advantage 
accruing  to  the  public  from  this  enquiry,  that  all  these  would 


*  I  cannot  conjecture  what  the  author  means  here,  or  how  this 
chasm  could  be  filled,  though  it  is  capable  of  more  than  one 
tation. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  107 

very  much  excel,  and  arrive  at  great  perfection  in  their  seve- 
ral kinds  ;  which,  I  think,  is  manifest  from  what  I  have  al- 
ready shown;  and  shall  enforce  by  this  one  plain  instance, 
That  even  I  myself,  the  author  of  these  momentous  truths, 
am  a  person,  whose  imaginations  are  hard  mouthed,  and  ex- 
ceedingly disposed  to  run  away  with  his  reason,  which  I  have 
observed  from  long  experience,  to  be  a  very  light  rider,  and 
easily  shook  off:  upon  which  account  my  friends  will  never 
trust  me  alone,  without  a  solemn  promise,  to  vent  my  specu- 
lations in  this,  or  the  like  manner,  for  the  universal  benefit  of 
human  kind  ;  which,  perhaps,  the  gentle,  courteous,  and  can- 
did reader,  brimful  of  that  modern  charity  and  tenderness  usu- 
ally annexed  to  his  office,  will  be  very  hardly  persuaded  to 
believe. 


^  SECTION  X. 

A    TALE    OF    A    TUB.* 

IT  is  an  unanswerable  argument  of  a  very  refined  age,  the 
wonderful  civilities  that  have  passed  of  late  years  between  the 
nation  of  authors,  and  that  of  readers.  There  can  hardly  pop 
out  a  play,  a  pamphlet,  or  a  poem,  without  a  preface  full  of 
acknowledgments  to  the  world,  for  the  general  reception  and 
applause  they  have  given  it;  which  the  Lord  knows  where, 
or  when,  or  how,  or  from  whom  it  received.f  In  due  defer- 
ence to  so  laudable  a  custom,  I  do  here  return  my  humble 
thanks  to  his  Majesty,  and  both  houses  of  Parliament ;  to  the 
Lords  of  the  King's  Most  Honorable  Privy  Council ;  to  the 
Reverend  the  Judges  ;  to  the  Clergy,  and  Gentry,  and  Yeo- 
manry, of  this  land  ;  but,  in  a  more  especial  manner,  to  my 
worthy  brethren  and  friends  at  Will's  coffee-house,  and  Gres- 
ham  college,  and  Warwick-lane,  and  Moorfields,  and  Scotland- 
yard,  and  Westminster-hall,  and  Guildhall;  in  short,  to  all 
inhabitants  and  retainers  whatsoever,  either  in  court,  or  church, 
or  camp,  or  city,  or  country,  for  their  generous  and  universal 

*  This  section  has,  in  former  editions,  been  entitled  a  Tale  of  a  Tub, 
but  the  Tale  not  being  continued  till  Section  XI.  and  this  being  only 
a  further  digression,  no  appology  can  be  thought  necessary  for  making 
the  title  correspond  with  the  contents. 

t  This  is  literally  true,  as  we  may  observe  in  the  prefaces  to  moat 
)lays,  poems,  &c. 


108  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

acceptance  of  this  divine  treatise.  I  accept  their  approbation 
and  good  opinion  with  extreme  gratitude;  and,  to  the  utmost 
of  my  poor  capacity,  shall  take  hold  of  all  opportunities  to 
return  the  obligation. 

I  am  also  happy,  that  fate  has  flung  me  into  so  blessed  an 
age  for  the  mutual  felicity  of  booksellers  and  authors,  whom  I 
may  safely  affirm  to  be  at  this  day  the  two  only  satisfied  par- 
ties in  England.  Ask  an  author  how  his  last  piece  has  suc- 
ceeded :  "  Why,  truly,  he  thanks  his  stars,  the  world  has  been 
very  favourable,  and  he  has  not  the  least  reason  to  complain. 
And  yet,  by  G — ,  he  wrote  it  in  a  week,  at  fits  and  starts,  when 
he  could  steal  an  hour  from  his  urgent  affairs;"  as  it  is  a  hun- 
dred to  one,  you  may  see  farther  in  the  preface,  to  which  he 
refers  you  ;  and  for  the  rest,  to  the  bookseller.  There  you  go 
as  a  customer,  and  make  the  same  question  :  "  He  blesses 
his  God,  the  thing  takes  wonderfully ;  he  is  just  printing  a 
second  edition,  and  has  but  three  left  in  his  shop."  You  beat 
down  the  price:  "Sir,  we  shall  not  differ;"  and,  in  hopes  of 
your  custom  another  time,  lets  you  have  it  as  reasonable  as 
you  please;  "and,  pray,  send  as  many  of  your  acquaintances 
as  you  will,  I  shall  upon  your  account  furnish  them  all  at  the 
same  rate." 

Now,  is  it  not  well  enough  considered,  to  what  accidents 
and  occasions  the  world  is  indebted  for  the  greatest  part  of 
those  noble  writings  which  hourly  start  up  to  entertain  it.  If 
it  were  not  for  a  rainy  day,  a  drunken  vigil,  a  fit  of  the  spleen, 
a  course  of  physic,  a  sleepy  Sunday,  an  ill  run  at  dice,  a  long 
tailor's  bill,  a  beggar's  purse,  a  factious  head,  a  hot  sun,  cos- 
tive diet,  want  of  books,  and  a  just  contempt  of  learning  ;  but 
for  these  events,  I  say,  and  some  others,  too  long  to  recite, 
(especially  a  prudent  neglect  of  taking  brimstone  inwardly,)  I 
doubt,  the  number  of  authors,  and  of  writings,  would  dwindle 
away  to  a  degree  most  woful  to  behold.  To  confirm  this 
opinion,  hear  the  words  of  the  famous  Troglodyte  philosopher. 
"  It  is  certain  (said  he)  some  grains  of  folly  are  of  course  an- 
nexed, as  part  of  the  composition-of  human  nature ;  only  the 
choice  is  left  us,  whether  we  please  to  wear  them  inlaid  or  em- 
bossed :  and  we  need  not  go  very  far  to  seek  how  that  is  usu- 
ally determined,  when  we  remember,  it  is  with  human  facul- 
ties as  with  liquors,  the  lightest  will  be  ever  at  the  top." 

There  is  in  this  famous  island  of  Britain,  a  certain  paltry 
scribbler,  very  voluminous,  whose  character  the  reader  cannot 
wholly  be  a  stranger  to.  He  deals  in  a  pernicious  kind  of 
writings,  called  second  parts,  and  usually  passes  under  the 
name  of  The  author  of  the  first.  I  easily  foresee,  that  as  soon  as 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  109 

I  lay  down  my  pen,  this  nimble  operator  will  have  s;ole  it,  and 

treat  me  as  inhumanly  as  he  hath  already  done  Dr.  Bl re, 

L ge,  and  many  others  Avho  shall  here  be  nameless.  I 

therefore  fly  for  justice  and  relief,  into  the  hands  of  that  great 
rectifier  of  saddles,*  and  lover  of  mankind,  Dr.  B — tley,  beg- 
ging he  will  take  this  enormous  grievance  into  his  most  modern 
consideration  ;  and  if  it  should  so  happen,  that  the  furniture 
of  an  ass,  in  the  shape  of  a  second  part,  must  for  my  sins  be 
clapped  by  a  mistake  upon  my  back;  that  he  will  immediately 
please,  in  the  presence  of  the  world,  to  lighten  me  of  the  bur- 
den, and  take  it  home  to  his  own  house,  till  the  true  beast 
think  fit  to  call  for  it. 

In  the  mean  time  I  do  here  give  this  public  notice,  that  my 
resolutions  are,  to  circumscribe  within  this  discourse  the  whole 
stock  of  matter  I  have  been  so  many  years  providing.  Since 
my  vein  is  once  opened,  I  am  content  to  exhaust  it  all  at  a 
running,  for  the  peculiai  advantage  of  my  dear  country,  and 
for  the  universal  benefit  of  mankind.  Therefore  hospitably 
considering  the  number  of  my  guests,  they  shall  have  my 
whole  entertainment  at  a  meal ;  and  I  scorn  to  set  up  the  leav- 
ings in  the  cupboard.  What  the  guests  cannot  eat,  may  be 
given  to  the  poor  :  and  the  dogs  under  the  table  may  gnaw 
the  bones.f  This  I  understand  for  a  more  generous  proceed- 
ing/than to  turn  the  company's  stomachs,  by  inviting  them 
again  to-morrow  to  a  scurvy  meal  of  scraps. 

If  the  reader  fairly  considers  the  strength  of  what  I  have  ad- 
vanced in  the  foregoing  section,  I  am  convinced  it  will  produce 
a  wonderful  revolution  in  his  notions  "and  opinions;  and  lie 
will  be  abundantly  better  prepared  to  receive  and  to  relish  the 
concluding  part  of  this  miraculous  treatise.  Readers  may  be 
divided  into  three  classes;  the  superficial,  the  ignorant,  and 
the  learned;  and  I  have  with  much  felicity  fitted  my  pen  to 
the  genius  and  advantage  of  each.  The  superficial  reader  will 
be  strangely  provoked  to  laughter  ;  which  clears  the  breast  and 
the  lungs,  is  sovereign  against  the  spleen,  and  the  most  inno- 
centxof  all  diuretics.  The  ignorant  reader  (between  whom 
and  the  former  the  distinction  is  extremely  nice)  will  find 
himself  disposed  to  stare  :  whic  i  is  an  admirable  remedy  for 
ill  eyes,  serves  to  raise  and  enliven  the  spirits,  and  wonderfully 
helps  the  perspiration.  But  the  reader,  truly  learned,  chiefly 
for  whose  benefit  I  wake  when  others  sleep,  and  sleep  when 
others  wake,  will  here  find  sufficient  matter  to  employ  hix 

*  Alluding  to  the  trite  phrase,  place  the  saddle  on  the  right  horse, 
t  By  dogs  the  author  means  common  injudicious  critics,  and  he  ex- 
plains it  himself  before,  in  his  Digression  upon  Critics. 

K 


110  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

speculations  for  the  rest  of  his  life.  It  were  much  to  be  wished, 
and  I  do  here  humbly  propose  for  an  experiment,  that  every 
prince  in  Christendom  will  take  seven  of  the  deepest  scholars 
in  his  dominions,  and  shut  them  up  close  for  seven  years,  in 
seven  chambers,  with  a  command  to  write  seven  ample  com- 
mentaries on  this  comprehensive  discourse.  I  shall  venture 
to  affirm,  that  whatever  difference  may  be  found  in  their  seve- 
ral conjectures,  they  will  be  all,  without  the  least  distortion, 
manifestly  deducible  from  the  text.  Mean  time,  it  is  my 
earnest  request,  that  so  useful  an  undertaking  may  be  entered 
upon,  if  their  Majesties  please,  with  all  convenient  spee'd  ;  be- 
cause I  have  a  strong  inclination,  before  I  leave  the  world,  to 
taste  a  blessing,  which  we  mysterious  writers  can  s&ldorn 
reach,  till  we  have  got  into  our  graves  ;  whether  it  is  that 
fame,  being  a  fruit  grafted  on  the  body,  can  hardly  grow,  and 
much  less  ripen,  till  the  stock  is  in  the  earth;  or  whether  she 
be  a  bird  of  prey,  and  is  lured  among  the  rest,  to  pursue  after 
the  scent  of  a  carcase;  or  whether  she  conceives  her  trumpet 
sounds  best  and  farthest,  when  she  stands  on  a  tomb,  by  the 
advantage  of  a  rising  ground,  and  the  echo  of  a  hollow  vault. 

It  is  true,  indeed,  the  republic  of  dark  authors,  after  they 
once  found  out  this  excellent  expedient  of  dying,  have  been 
peculiarly  happy  in  the  variety,  as  well  as  extent  of  their  rep- 
utation. For,  night  being  the  universal  mother  of  things, 
wise  philosophers  hold  all  writings  to  be  fruitful  in  the  pro- 
portions they  are  dark;  and  therefore  the  true  illuminated* 
(that  is  to  say,  the  darkest  of  all)  have  met  with  such  num- 
ber'ess  commentators,  whose  scholastic  midwifery  hath  deliv- 
ered them  of  meanings,  that  the  authors  themselves  perhaps 
never  conceived,  and  yet  may  very  justly  be  allowed  the  law- 
ful parents  of  them ;  the  words  of  such  writers  being  like  seed, 
which,  however  scattered  at  random,  when  they  light  upon  a 
fruitful  ground,  will  multiply  far  beyond  either  the  hopes  or 
imagination  of  the  sower.f 

And  therefore,  in  order  to  promote  so  useful  a  work,  I  will 
here  take  leave  to  glance  a  few  innuendos,  that  may  be  of  great 
assistance  to  those  sublime  spirits  who  shall  be  appointed  to 
labour  in  an  universal  comment  upon  this  wonderful  discourse 

*  A  sect  of  the  Rosycrucians.  These  were  fanatic  alchymists,  who, 
in  search  after  the  great  secret,  had  invented  a  means  altogether  pro- 
portioned to  their  end  ;  it  was  a  kind  of  theological  philosophy,  made 
up  of  almost  equal  mixtures  of  Pagan  Platonism,  Christian  Quietism, 
and  the  Jewish  Cabbala.  Warburton  on  the  Rape  of  the  Lock. 

t  Nothing  is  more  frequent  than  for  commentators  to  force  interpre- 
tations which  the  author  never  meant. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  Ill 

And,  first,  I  have  couched  a  very  profound  mystery  in  the 
number  of  Os  multiplied  by  seven,  and  divided  by  nine.* 
Also,  if  a  devout  brother  of  the  Rosy  Cross  will  pray  fervently 
for  sixty-three  mornings,  wilh  a  lively  faith,  and  then  trans- 
pose certain  letters  and  syllables  according  to  prescription,  in 
the  second  and  fifth  sections ;  they  will  certainly  reveal  into  a 
full  receipt  of  the  opus  magnum.  Lastly,  whoever  will  be  at 
the  pains  to  calculate  the  whole  number  of  each  letter  in  this 
treatise,  and  sum  up  the  difference  exactly  between  the  several 
numbers,  assigning  the  true  natural  cause  for  every  such  dif- 
ference ;  the  discoveries  in  the  product  will  plentifully  reward 
his  labour.  But  then  he  must  beware  of  bythus  and  sige,] 
and  be  sure  not  to  forget  the  qualities  of  acamoth;  a  cujus  la- 
crymis  humecta  prodit  substantia,  a  risu  lucida,  a  tristilia  solida, 
et  a  timore  mobilis  ;  wherein  Eugenius  Philalethes$  hath  com- 
mitted an  unardonable  mistake. § 


SECTION  XI. 

A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

AFTER  so  wide  a  compass  as  I  have  wandered,  I  do  now 
gladly  overtake,  and  close  in  with  my  subject ;    and   shall 


*  This  is  what  the  cabalists  among  the  Jews  have  done  with  the 
Bible,  and  pretend  to  find  wonderful  mysteries  by  it. 

1 1  was  told  by  an  eminent  divine,  whom  I  consulted  on  this  point, 
that  these  two  barbarous  words,  with  that  of  acamoth  and  its  qualities, 
as  here  set  down,  are  quoted  from  Irenaeus.  This  he  discovered  by 
searching  that  ancient  writer  for  another  quotation  of  our  author,  which 
he  has  placed  in  the  title-page,  and  refers  to  the  book  and  chapter. 
The  curious  were  very  inquisitive,  whether  these  barbarous  words, 
Basima  ecabasa,  $-c.  are  really  in  Irenanis ;  and  upon  inquiry  it  was 
found  they  were  a  sort  of  cant  or  jargon  of  certain  heretics,  and  there- 
fore very  properly  prefixed  to  such  a  book  as  this  of  our  author. 

[t  Vid.  Anima  magica.  abscondita.] 

$  To  the  above  mentioned  treatise,  called  Anthroposophia  Theoma- 
gica,  there  is  another  annexed,  called  Anima  Magica  Abxcondila, 
written  by  the  same  author  Vaughan,  under  the  name  of  Eugenius 
Philalethes  ;  but  in  neither  of  those  treatises  is  there  any  mention  of 
acamoth,  or  its  qualities  :  so  that  this  is  nothing  but  amusement,  and 
a  ridicule  of  dark,  unintelligible  writers ;  only  the  words  a  cujus  la- 
crymis,  <fe.  as  we  have  saia  were  transcribed  from  Irenaeus ;  though 
I  Know  not  from  what  part.  I  believe  one  of  the  author's  designs 
was,  to  set  curious  men  a  hunting  through  indexes,  and  inquiring  for 
bookc  out  of  the  common  road. 


112  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

nenceforth  hold  on  with  it  an  even  pace  to  the  end  of  my  jour- 
ney, except  some  beautiful  prospect  appears  within  sight  of 
my  way  ;  whereof  though  at  present  I  have  neither  warning 
nor  expectation,  yet,  upon  such  an  accident,  come  when  it 
will,  I  shall  beg  my  reader's  favour  and  company,  allowing 
me  to  conduct  him  through  it  along  with  myself.  For  in 
writing,  it  is  as  in  travelling ;  if  a  man  is  in  haste  to  be  at 
home,  (which  I  acknowledge  to  be  none  of  my  case,  having 
never  so  little  business  as  when  I  am  there,)  if  his  horse  be 
tired  with  long  riding  and  ill  ways,  or  be  naturally  a  jade,  I 
advise  him  clearly  to  make  the  straitest  and  the  commonest 
road,  be  it  ever  so  dirty.  But  then,  surely,  we  must  own  such 
a  man  to  be  a  scurvy  companion  at  best :  he  spatters  himself 
and  his  fellow-travellers  at  every  step  ;  all  their  thoughts,  and 
wishes,  and  conversation  turn  entirely  upon  the  subject  of 
(heir  journey's  end;  and  at  every  splash,  and  plunge,  and 
stumble,  they  heartily  wish  one  another  at  the  devil. 

On  the  other  side,  when  a  traveller  and  his  horse  are  in 
heart  and  plight;  when  his  purse  is  full,  and  the  day  before 
him  ;  he  takes  the  road  only  where  it  is  clean  or  convenient; 
entertains  his  company  there  as  agreeably  as  he  can :  but, 
upon  the  first  occasion,  carries  them  along  with  him  to  every 
delightful  scene  in  view,  whether  of  art,  or  nature,  or  of  both  ; 
and  if  they  chance  to  refuse  out  of  stupidity  or  weariness,  let 
them  jog  on  by  themselves,  and  be  d — n'd.  He'll  overtake 
them  at  the  next  town  :  at  which  arriving,  he  rides  furiously 
through  ;  the  men,  women,  and  children  run  out  to  gaze  ;  a 
hundred  noisy  curs*  run  barking  after  him;  of  which  if  he 
honours  the  boldest  with  a  lash  of  his  whip,  it  is  rather  out  of 
sport  than  revenge  :  but  should  some  sourer  mongrel  dare  too 
near  an  approach,  he  receives  a  salute  on  the  chaps,  by  an  ac- 
cidental stroke  from  the  courser's  heels,  (nor  is  any  ground 
lost  by  the  blow,)  which  sends  him  yelping  and  limping  home. 

I  now  proceed  to  sum  up  the  singular  adventures  of  my  re- 
nowned Jack;  the  state  of  whose  dispositions  and  fortunes  the 
careful  reader  does,  no  doubt,  most  exactly  remember,  as  I 
last  parted  with  them  in  the  conclusion  of  a  former  section. 
Therefore  his  next  care  must  be,  from  two  of  the  foregoing, 
to  exact  a  scheme  of  notions  that  may  best  fit  his  understand- 
ing for  a  true  relish  of  what  is  to  ensue. 

Jack  had  not  only  calculated  the  first  revolution  of  his  brain 
BO  prudently,  as  to  give  rise  to  that  epidemic  sect  of  .^Eolists, 
out  succeeding  also  into  a  new  and  strange  variety  of  concep- 

*  By  these  are  meant  what  the  author  calls  the  true  critics. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  1/3 

lions,  the  fruitfulness  of  his  imagination  led  him  into  certain 
notions,  which,  although  in  appearance  very  unaccountable, 
were  not  without  their  mysteries  and  their  meanings,  nor 
wanted  followers  to  countenance  and  improve  them.  I  shall 
therefore  be  extremely  careful  and  exact  in  recounting  such 
material  passages  of  this  nature,  as  I  have  been  able  to  collect, 
either  from  undoubted  tradition,  or  indefatigable  reading;  and 
shall  describe  them  as  graphically  as  it  is  possible,  and  as  far 
as  notions  of  that  height  and  latitude  can  be  brought  within  the 
compass  of  a  pen.  Nor  do  I  at  all  question,  but^they  will 
furnish  plenty  of  noble  matter  for  such,  whose  converting 
imaginations  dispose  them  to  reduce  all  things  into  types , 
who  can  make  shadows,  no  thanks  to  the  sun;  and  then 
mould  them  into  substances,  no  thanks  to  philosophy;  whose 
peculiar  talent  lies  in  fixing  tropes  and  allegories  to  the  letter, 
and  refining  what  is  literal  into  figure  and  mystery. 

Jack  had  provided  a  fair  copy  of  his  father's  will,  engrossed 
in  form  upon  a  large  skin  of  parchment;  and  resolving  to  act 
a  part  of  a  most  dutiful  son,  he  became  the  fondest  creature 
of  it  imaginable.  For  although,  as  I  have  often  told  the  reader, 
it  consisted  wholly  in  certain  plain  easy  directions  about  the 
management  and  wearing  of  their  coats,  with  legacies  and 
penalties  in  case  of  obedience  or  neglect ;  yet  he  began  to  en- 
tertain a  fancy,  that  the  matter  was  deeper  and  darker,  and 
therefore  must  needs  have  a  great  deal  more  of  mystery  at  the 
bottom.  "  Gentlemen,  (said  he,)  I  will  prove  this  very  skin 
of  parchment  to  be  meat,  drink,  and  clothes;  to  be  the  philos- 
opher's stone,  and  the  universal  medicine."  In  consequence 
of  which  raptures,  he  resolved  to  make  use  of  it  in  the  most 
necessary,  as  well  as  the  most  paltry  occasions  of  life.*  He 
had  a  way  of  working  it  into  any  shape  he  pleased  ;  so  that 
it  served  him  for  a  night-cap  when  he  went  to  bed,  and  for  an 
umbrella  in  rainy  weather.  He  would  lap  a  piece  of  it  about 
a  fore  toe ;  or  when  he  had  fits,  burned  two  inches  under  his 
nose ;  or  if  any  thing  lay  heavy  on  his  stomach,  scrape  off, 
and  swallow  as  much  of  the  powder  as  would  lie  on  a  silver 
penny  :  they  were  all  infallible  remedies.  With  analogy  to 
these  refinements,  his  common  talk  and  convejsation  ran 
wholly  on  the  phrase  of  his  will  :f  and  he  circumscribed  the 

*  The  author  here  lashes  those  pretenders  to  purity,  who  place  so 
much  merit  in  using  scripture  phrases  on  all  occasions. 

t  The  protestant  dissenters  use  scripture  phrases  in  their  serious 
discourses  and  composures  more  than  the  church  of  England  men ; 
accordingly  Jack  is  introduced,  making  his  common  talk  and  conver- 
gation  to  run  wholly  in  the  phrase  of  his  WILL.— W.  Wotton. 
K  2 


114  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

utmost  of  his  eloquence  within  that  compas5  not  daring  to  Id 
slip  a  syllable  without  authority  from  thence.  Once  at  a 
strange  house  he  was  suddenly  taken  short,  upon  an  urgent 
juncture,  whereon  it  may  not  be  allowed  too  particularly  to 
dilate;  and  being  not  able  to  call  to  mind,  with  that  sudden- 
ness the  occasion  required,  an  authentic  phrase  for  demanding 
the  way  to  the  back-side;  he  chose  rather  as  the  more  prudent 
course,  to  incur  the  penalty  in  such  cases  usually  annexed. 
Neither  was  it  possible  for  the  united  rhetoric  of  mankind  to 
prevail  with  him  to  make  himself  clean  again  ;  because,  hav- 
ing consulted  the  will  upon  this  emergency,  he  met  with  a 
passage  near  the  bottom  (whether  foisted  in  by  the  transcriber, 
is  not  known)  which  seemed  to  forbid  it.* 

He  made  it  a  part  of  his  religion,  never  to  say  grace  to  his 
meat  ;f  nor  could  all  the  world  persuade  him,  as  the  common 
phrase  is,  to  eat  his  victuals  like  a  Christian.}: 

He  bore  a  strange  kind  of  appetite  to  snap-dragon, §  and  to 
the  livid  snuffs  of  a  burning  candle;  which  he  would  catch 
and  swallow  with  an  agility  wonderful  to  conceive;  and, 
by  this  procedure,  maintained  a  perpetual  flame  in  his  belly  ; 
which,  issuing  in  a  glowing  steam  from  both  his  eyes,  as  well 
as  his  nostrils,  and  his  mouth,  made  his  head  appear,  in  a 
dark  night,  like  the  skull  of  an  ass,  wherein  a  roguish  boy  had 
conveyed  a  farthing  candle,  to  the  terror  of  his  Majesty's  liege 
subjects.  Therefore  he  made  use  of  no  other  expedient  to 
light  himself  home;  but  was  wont  to  say,  that  a  wise  man 
was  his  own  lanthorn. 

He  would  shut  his  eyes  as  he  walked  along  the  streets : 
and  if  he  happened  to  bounce  his  head  against  a  post,  or  fall 


*  I  cannot  guess  the  author's  meaning  here  ;  which  I  would  be  very 
glad  to  know,  because  it  seems  to  be  of  importance.  Incurring  the 
penalty  in  such  cases,  usually  annexed,  wants  no  explanation.  He 
would  not  make  himself  clean  because  having  consulted  the  will,  (i.  e. 
the  New  Testament,)  he  met  with  a  passage  near  the  bottom,  i.  e.  in 
v.he  eleventh  verse  of  the  last  chapter  of  the  Revelations.  "  He  which 
:s  filthy  let  him  be  filthy  still;"  which  seemed  to  forbid  it,  whether 
foisted  in  by  the  transcriber  is  added ;  because  this  paragraph  is  want- 
ing in  the  Alexandrian  MS.  the  oldest  and  most  anthentic  copy  of  ine 
New  Testament. 

The  slovenly  way  of  receiving  the  sacrament  among  the  fanatics. 

t  This  is  a  common  phrase  to  express  eating  cleanlily,  and  is  meant 
for  an  invective  against  that  indecent  manner  among  some  people  in 
receiving  the  sacrament ;  so  in  the  lines  before,  which  is  to  be  under- 
stood of  the  dissenters  refusing  to  kneel  at  the  sacrament. 

$  I  cannot  well  find  the  author's  meaning  here,  unless  it  be  the  hot, 
untimely,  blind  zeal  of  enthusiasts. 


A  TALE  OF  A  T"B.  1 15 

into  the  kennel,  (as  he  seldom  missed  either  to  do  one  or  both,} 
he  would  tell  the  gibing  apprentices,  who  looked  on,  that  "  he 
submitted  with  entire  resignation,  as  to  a  trip,  or  a  blow  of 
fate,  with  whom  he  found,  by  long  experience,  how  vain  it 
was  either  to  wrestle  or  to  cuff;  and  whoever  durst  undertake 
to  do  either,  would  be  sure  to  come  off  with  a  swinging  fall, 
or  a  bloody  nose.  It  was  ordained,  (said  he,)  some  few  days 
before  the  creation,  that  my  nose  and  this  very  post  should 
brave  a  rencounter;  and  therefore  Providence  thought  fit  "to 
send  us  both  into  the  world  in  the  same  age,  and  to  make  us 
country- men,  and  fellow-citizens.  Now,  had  my-  eyes  been 
open,  it  is  very  likely,  the  business  might  have  been  a  great 
deal  worse ;  for  how  many  a  confounded  slip  is  daily  got  by 
man,  with  all  his  foresight  about  him?  Besides,  the  eyes  of 
the  understanding  see  best,  when  those  of  the  senses  are  out 
of  the  way ;  and  therefore  blind  men  are  observed  to  tread 
their  steps  with  much  more  caution,  and  conduct,  and  judg- 
ment, than  those  who  rely  with  too  much  confidence  upon  the 
virtue  of  the  visual  nerve,  which  every  little  accident  shakes 
out  of  order,  and  a  drop  or  a  film  can  wholly  disconcert;  like 
a  Janthorn  among  a  pack  of  roaring  bullies,  when  they  scour 
the  streets ;  exposing  its  owner  and  itself  to  outward  kicks  and 
buffets,  which  both  might  have  escaped,  if  the  vanity  of  ap- 
pearing would  have  suffered  them  to  walk  in  the  dark.  But 
farther,  if  we  examine  the  conduct  of  these  boasted  lights,  it 
will  prove  yet  a  great  deal  worse  than  their  fortune.  It  is 
true,  I  have  broke  my  nose  against  this  post,  because  Provi- 
dence either  forgot,  or  did  not  think  it  convenient  to  twitch 
me  by  the  elbow,  and  give  me  notice  to  avoid  it.  But  let  not 
this  encourage  either  the  present  age  or  posterity,  to  trust  their 
noses  into  the  keeping  of  their  eyes ;  which  may  prove  the 
fairest  way  of  losing  them  for  good  and  all.  For,  O  ye  eyes ! 
/e  blind  guides!  miserable  guardians,  are  ye  of  our  frail  noses ; 
/e,  I  say,  who  fasten  upon  the  first  precipice  in  view,  and  then 
tow  our  wretched  willing  bodies  after  you,  to  the  very  brink 
of  destruction.  But,  alas  !  that  brink  is  rotten,  our  feet  slip, 
and  we  tumble-down  prone  into  a  gulph,  without  one  hospita- 
ble shrub  in  the  way  to  break  the  fall ;  a  fall  to  which  not 
any  nose  of  mortal  make  is  equal,  except  that  of  the  giant 
Laurcalco,*  who  was  lord  of  the  silver  bridge.  Most  properly, 
therefore,  O  eyes,  and  with  great  justice,  may  you  be  compared 
to  those  foolish  lights,  which  conduct  men  through  dirt  and 
darkness,  till  they  fall  into  a  deep  pit,  or  a  noisome  bog." 

[*  Ved.  Don  Quixotte.] 


118  A.  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

This  [  have  produced,  as  a  scantling  of  Jack's  great  elo- 
quence, and  the  force  of  his  reasoning  upon  such  abstruse 
matters. 

He  was,  besides,  a  person  of  great  design  and  improvement 
in  affairs  of  devotion,  having  introduced  a  new  deity,  who 
hath  since  met  with  a  vast  number  of  worshippers;  by  some 
called  Babel,  by  others,  Chaos ;  who  had  an  ancient  temple 
of  Gothic  structure  upon  Salisbury  plain,  famous  for  its  ihrine, 
and  celebration  by  pilgrims. 

When  he  had  some  roguish  trick  to  play,  he  would  down 
with  his  koees,  up  with  his  eyes,  and  fall  to  prayers, 
though  in  the  midst  of  the  kennel.*  Then  it  was  that  those 
who  understood  his  pranks,  would  be  sure  to  get  far  enough 
out  of  his  way  ;  and  whenever  curiosity  attracted  strangers  to 
laugh,  or  to  listen,  he  would  of  a  sudden,  with  one  hand  out 
with  his  gear,  and  piss  full  in  their  eyes,  and  with  the  other 
bespatter  them  all  with  mud. 

In  winter  he  went  always  loose  and  unbuttoned,  and  clad 
as  thin  as  possible,  to  let  in  the  ambient  heat ;  and  in  summer, 
lapped  himself  close  and  thick,  to  keep  it  out.f 

In  all  revolutions  of  government,  he  would  make  his  court 
For  the  office  of  Hangman-General 1;J  and  in  the  exercise  of 
that  dignity,  wherein  he  was  very  dexterous,  would  make  use 
of  no  other  vizard,  than  a  long  prayer.^ 

He  had  a  tongue  so  musculous  and  subtil,  that  he  could 
twist  it  up  into  his  nose,  and  deliver  a  strange  kind  of  speech 
from  thence.  He  was  also  the  first  in  these  kingdoms  who 
began  to  improve  the  Spanish  accomplishment  of  braying; 
and  having  large  ears,  perpetually  exposed  and  erected,  he 
carried  his  art  to  such  a  perfection,  that  it  was  a  point  of  great 
difficulty  to  distinguish,  either  by  the  view  or  the  sound,  be- 
tween the  original  and  the  copy. 

He  was  troubled  with  a  disease,  reverse  to  that  called  the 
stinging  of  the  tarantula ;  and  would  run  dog  mad  at  the  noise 
of  music,  especially  a  pair  of  bag-pipes.|  But  he  would  cure 

*  The  villainies  and  cruelties,  committed  by  enthusiasts  and  fana- 
ticts  among  us,  were  all  performed  under  the  disguise  of  religion  and 
long  prayers.  , 

t  They  affect  differences  in  habit  and  behaviour. 

I  They  are  severe  persecutors,  and  all  in  a  form  of  cant  and  devo- 
tion. 

$  Cromwell  and  his  confederates  went,  aa  they  called  it,  to  seek 
God,  when  they  resolved  to  murder  the  King. 

II  This  is  to  expose  our  dissenters  aversion  to  instrumental  music  in 
churches. — \V.  Wotton. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  117 

himself  again,  by  taking  two  or  three  turns  in  Westminister- 
hall,  or  Billingsgate,  or  in  a  boarding-school,  or  the  Royal 
Exchange,  or  a  state  coffee-house. 

He  was  a  person  that  feared  no  colours,*  but  mortally  hated 
all ;  and  upon  that  account  bore  a  cruel  aversion  to  painters  ; 
insomuch  that  in  his  paroxysms,  as  he  walked  the  streets,  he 
would  have  his  pocket  loaden  with  stones,  to  pelt  af  the  signs. 

Having,  from  his  manner  of  living,  frequent  occasions  to 
wash  himself,  he  would  often  leap  overhead  and  ears  into  the 
water,  though  it  were  in  the  midst  of  the  winter ;  but  was  al- 
ways observed  to  come  out  again  much  dirtier,  if  possible,  than 
he  went  in. 

He  was  the  first  that  ever  found  out  the  secret  of  contriving 
a  soporiferous  medicine  to  be  conveyed  in  at  the  ears.  It  was 
a  compound  of  sulphur  and  balm  of  Gilead,  with  a  little  pil- 
grim's salve.f 

He  wore  a  large  plaster  of  artificial  caustics  on  hisstomach, 
with  the  fervor  of  which  he  could  set  himself  a-groaning,  like 
the  famous  board  upon  application  of  a  red-hot  iron. 

He  would  stand  in  the  turning  of  a  street ;  and,  calling  to 
those  who  passed  by,  would  cry  to  one, "  Worthy  Sir,  do  me 
the  honour  of  a  good  slap  in  the  chaps ;"  to  another,  "Honest 
friend,  pray  favour  me  with  a  handsome  kick  on  the  arse." 
"  Madam,  shall  I  entreat  a  small  box  on  the  ear  from  your 
ladyship's  fair  hands?"  "Noble  captain,  lend  a  reasonable 
thwack,  for  the  love  of  God,  with  that  cane  of  your's,  over 
these  poor  shoulders." J  And  when  he  had,  by  such  earnest 
solicitations,  made  a  shift  to  procure  a  basting  sufficient  to 
swell  up  his  fancy  and  his  sides,  he  would  return  home  ex- 
tremely comforted,  and  full  of  terrible  accounts  of  what  he  had 
undergone  for  the  public  good.  "Observe  this  stroke,  (said 
he,  showing  his  bare  shoulders,)  a  plaguy  janissary  gave  it 
me  this  very  morning  at  seven  o'clock,  as,  with  much  ado,  I 
was  driving  off  the  Great  Turk.  Neighbours,  mind  this  broken 
head  deserves  a  plaster.  Had  poor  Jack  been  tender  of  his 
noddle,  you  would  have  seen  the  Pope  and  the  French  king, 
long  before  this  time  of  day,  among  your  wives  and  your  ware- 
houses. Dear  Christians,  the  Great  Mogul  was  come  as  far 

*  They  quarrefat  the  most  innocent  decency  and  ornament,  and  de- 
face the  statues  and  paintings  on  all  the  churches  of  England. 

t  Fanatic  preaching,  composed  either  of  hell  and  damnation,  or  a 
'fulsome  description  of  the  joys  of  heaven,  both  in  such  a  dirty  nau- 
seous style,  ns  to  be  well  resembted  to  pilgrim's  salve. 

t  The  fanatics  have  always  had  a  way  of  affecting  to  run  iuto  perse- 
cution, and  count  va*t  merit  upon  every  little  hardship  they  suffer. 


118  A  TAL^  OF  A  TUB- 

as  White-Chape) ;  and  you  may  thank  these  poor  sides,  thai 
he  hath  not  (God  bless  us)  already  swallowed  up  man,  wo- 
man, and  child." 

It  was  highly  worth  observing  the  singular  effects  of  that  avei  - 
sion  or  antipathy  which  Jack  and  his  brother  Peter  seemed,  even 
to  an  affectation,  to  bear  towards  each  other.*  Peter  had  lately 
done  some  rogueries,  that  forced  him  to  abscond  ;  and  he  seldom 
ventured  to  stir  out  before  night,  for  fear  of  bailiffs.  Their  lodg- 
ings were  at  the  two  most  distant  parts  of  the  town,  from  each 
other;  and  whenever  their  occasions  or  humours  called  them 
abroad,  they  would  make  choice  of  the  oddest  unlikely  times, 
and  most  uncouth  rounds  they  could  invent,  that  they  might 
be  sure  to  avoid  one  another.  Yet,  after  all  this,  it  was  their 
perpetual  fortune  to  meet.  The  reason  of  which  is  easy  enough 
to  apprehend  :  for  the  phrensy  and  the  spleen  of  both  having 
the  same  foundation,  we  may  look  upon  them  as  two  pair  of 
compasses,  equally  extended,  and  the  fixed  foot  of  each  re- 
maining in  the  same  centre  ;  which,  though  moving  contrary 
ways  at  first,  will  be  sure  to  encounter  somewhere  or  other  in 
the  circumference.  Besides,  it  was  among  the  great  misfor- 
tunes of  Jack,  to  bear  a  huge  personal  resemblance  with  his 
brother  Peter.  Their  humour  and  dispositions  were  not  only 
the  same  ;  but  there  was  a  close  analogy  in  their  shape,  their 
size,  and  their  mien  ;  insomuch  as  nothing  was  more  frequent, 
than  for  a  bailiff  to  seize  Jack  by  the  shoulders,  and  cry, "  Mr. 
Peter,  you  are  the  King's  prisoner;"  or,  at  other  times,  for 
one  of  Peter's  nearest  friends,  to  accost  Jack  with  open  arms, 
"  Dear  Peter,  I  am  always  glad  to  see  thee ;  pray,  send  me 
one  of  your  best  medicines  for  the  worms."  This  we  may 
suppose,  was  a  mortifying  return  of  those  pains  and  proceed- 
ings Jack  had  laboured  in  so  long ;  and  finding,  how  directly 
opposite  all  his  endeavours  had  answered  to  the  sole  end  and 
intention  which  he  had  proposed  to  himself,  how  could  it  avoid 
having  terrible  effects  upon  a  head  and  heart  so  furnished  as 
his?  However,  the  poor  remainders  of  his  coat  bore  all  the 
punishment.  The  orient  s>un  never  entered  upon  his  diurnal 
progress,  without  missing  a  piece  of  it.  He  hired  a  tailor  to 

*  The  papists  and  fanatics,  though  they  appear  the  most  averse  to 
each  other,  yet  bear  a  near  resemblance  in  many  things,  as  has  been 
observed  by  learned  men. 

Ibid.  The  agreement  of  our  dissenters  and  the  papists  in  that 
which  Bishop  Stillingfleet  called  the  fanaticism  of  the  church  of  Rome, 
is  ludicrously  described  for  sev<  ral  pages  together,  by  Jack's  likeness 
to  IVier,  and  ihfir  being  ofien  mistaken  for  each  other,  and  their  fre- 
quent meeting  when  they  least  in:et:ded  it. — W.  Wotion. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  119 

stich  up  the  collar  so  close,  that  it  was  ready  to  choak  him; 
and  squeezed  out  his  eyes  at  such  a  rate,  as  one  could  see  no- 
thing but  the  white.  What  little  was  left  of  the  main  sub- 
stance of  the  coat,  he  rubbed  every  day,  for  two  hours,  against 
a  rough-cast  wall,  in  order  to  grind  away  the  remnants  of  lace 
and  embroidery  ;  but,  at  the  same  time,  went  on  with  so  much 
violence,  that  he  proceeded  a  Heathen  philosopher.  Yet,  after 
all  he  could  do  of  this  kind,  the  success  continued  still  to 
disappoint  his  expectation.  For  as  it  is  the  nature  of  rags,  to 
bear  a  kind  of  mock  resemblance  to  finery  ;  there  being  a  sort 
of  fluttering  appearance  in  both,  which  is  not  to  be  distinguished 
at  a  distance,  in  the  dark,  or  by  short  sighted  eyes:  so,  in 
those  junctures,  it  fared  with  Jack  and  his  tatters,  that  they 
offered  to  the  first  view  a  ridiculous  flanting ;  which,  assisting 
the  resemblance  in  person  and  air,  thwarted  all  his  projects  of 
separation,  and  left  so  near  a  similitude  between  them,  as  fre- 
quently deceived  the  very  disciples  and  followers  cf  both.  * 


*        *          *        *          *        *         Desuntnon- 

********  nulkt. 

*          #          #         *          *        *          ##### 

The  old  Sclavonian  proverb  said  well,  That "  it  is  with  men, 
as  with  asses;  whoever  would  keep  them  fast,  must  find  a 
very  good  hold  at  their  ears."  Yet  I  think  we  may  affirm, 
.hat  it  hath  been  verified  by  repeated  experience,  that, 

Effugiet  tamen  hcec  sceleratus  vincula  Proteus. 

It  is  good,  therefore,  to  read  the  maxims  of  our  ancestors, 
with  great  allowances  to  times  and  persons.  For,  if  we  look 
into  primitive  records,  we  shall  find,  that  no  revolutions  have 
been  so  great,  or  so  frequent,  as  those  of  human  ears.  In 
former  days,  there  was  a  curious  invention  to  catch  and  keep 
them  ;  which,  I  think,  we  may  justly  reckon  among  the  artes 
perditce.  And  how  can  it  be  otherwise,  when,  in  these  latter 
centuries,  the  very  species  is  not  only  diminished  to  a  very 
lamentable  degree,  but  the  poor  remainder  is  also  degenerated 
so  far,  as  to  mock  our  skilfullest  tenure?  For  if  the  only  slit- 
ting of  one  ear  in  a  stag  hath  been  found  sufficient  to  propagate 
the  defect  through  a  whole  forest,  why  should  we  wonder  at 
the  greatest  consequences,  from  so  many  loppings  and  mutila- 
tions, to  which  the  ears  of  our  fathers  and  our  own  have  been 
of  late  so  much  exposed  ?  It  is  true,  indeed,  that  while  this 
island  of  ours  was  under  the  dominion  of  grace  many  endea- 
Tours  were  made  to  improve  th«  growth  of  eirs  once  more 


120  A  TALE  OJP  A  TUB. 

among  u§,  The  proportion  of  largeness  was  not  only  looked 
upon  as  an  ornament  of  the  outward  man,  but  as  a  type  of 
grace  in  the  inward.  Besides,  it  is  held  by  naturalists,  that 
if  there  be  a  protuberancy  of  parts  in  the  superior  regions  of 
the  body,  as  in  the  ears  and  nose,  there  must  be  a  parity  also 
in  the  inferior.  And  therefore,  in  that  truly  pious  age,  the 
males  in  every  assembly,  according  as  they  were  gifted,  ap- 
peared very  forward  in  exposing  their  ears  to  view,  and  the 
regions  abcrut  them  ;  because  Hippocrates  tells  us,  that  "when 
the  vein  behind  the  ear  happens  to  be  cut,  a  man  becomes  a 
eunuch. '**  And  the  females  were  nothing  backwarder  in  be- 
holding and  edifying  by  them  :  whereof  those  who  had  alrea- 
dy used  the  means,  looked  about  them  with  great  concern,  in 
hopes  of  conceiving  a  suitable  offspring  by  such  a  prospect. 
Others,  who  stood  candidates  for  benevolence,  found  there  a 
plentiful  choice  ;  and  were  sure  to  fix  upon  such  as  discovered 
the  largest  ears,  that  the  breed  might  not  dwindle  between 
them.  Lastly,  the  devouter  sisters,  who  looked  upon  all  ex- 
traordinary dilatations  of  that  member  as  protrusions  of  zeal, 
or  spiritual  excrescences,  were  sure  to  honour  every  head  they 
sat  upon,  as  if  they  had  been  cloven  tongues;  but  especially 
that  of  the  preacher,  whose  ears  were  usually  of  the  prime 
magnitude;  which,  upon  that  account,  he  was  very  frequent 
and  exact  in  exposing  with  all  advantages  to  the  people ;  in 
his  rhetorical  paroxysms,  turning  sometimes  to  hold  forth  the 
jne,  and  sometimes  to  hold  forth  the  other.  From  which 
custom,  the  whote  opinion  of  preaching  is  to  this  very  day, 
among  their  professors,  styled  by  the  phrase  of  holding  forth. 

Such  was  the  progress  of  the  saints  for  advancing  the  size 
of  that  member ;  and  it  is  thought  the  success  would  have  been 
every  way  answerable,  if,  in  process  of  time,  a  cruel  king  had 
not  arose,  who  raised  a  bloody  persecution  against  all  ears 
above  a  certain  standard.!  Upon  which,  some  were  glad  to 
hide  flourishing  sprouts  in  a  black  border  ;  others  crept  wholly 
under  a  periwig;  some  were  slit,  others  cropped,  and  a  great 
number  sliced  off  to  the  stumps.  But  of  this  more  hereafter 
in  my  General  History  of  Ears;  which  I  design  very  speedily 
to  bestow  upon  the  public. 

From  this  brief  survey  of  the  falling  state  of  ears  in  the  last 
age,  and  the  small  care  had  to  advance  their  ancient  growth  in 
the  present,  it  is  manifest,  how  little  reason  we  can  have  to 

[*  Lib.  de&re,  locis,  et  aquis.] 

t  This  was  King  Charles  II.  who,  at  his  restoration,  turned  out  aJ! 
the  dissenting  teachers  that  would  not  conform. 


A  TALE  OF  A  TUB.  lil 

rc-ly  upon  a  hold  so  short,  so  weak,  and  so  slipprry  :  anu  iliat 
whoever  desires  to  catch  mankind  fast,  must  have  recourse  10 
some  otli-er  methods.  Now,  he  that  will  examine  human  na- 
ture with  circumspection  enough,  may  discover  several  hand- 
les, whereof  the  six*  senses  afford  one  a-piece,  besides  a  great 
number  that  are  screwed  to  the  passions,  and  some  few  rivet- 
ed to  the  intellect.  Among  these  last,  curiosity  is  one,  and, 
of  all  others,  affords  the  firmest  grasp;  curiosity,  that  spur  in. 
the  side,  that  bridle  in  the  mouth,  that  ring  in  the  nose  of  a 
lazy,  an  impatient,  and  a  grunting  reader.  By  this  handle  it 
is,  than  an  author  should  seize  upon  his  readers;  which,  as 
soon  as  he  hath  once  compassed,  all  resistance  and  struggling 
are  in  vain  ;  and  they  become  his  prisoners  as  close  as  he 
pleases,  till  wearinsss  or  dulness  force  him  to  let  go  his  grip. 

And  therefore  I,  the  author  of  this  miraculous  treatise,  hav- 
ing hitherto,  beyond  expectation,  maintained,  by  the  aforesaid 
handle,  a  firm  hold  upon  my  gentle  readers;  it  is  with  reluct- 
ance that  I  am  at  length  compelled  to  remit  my  grasp ;  leav- 
ing them  in  the  perusal  of  what  remains  to  that  natural  osci- 
tancy  inherent  in  the  tribe.  I  can  only  assure  thee,  cour- 
teous reader,  for  both  our  comforts,  that  my  concern  is  altogether 
equal  to  thine,  for  my  unhappiness  in  losing,  or  mislaying 
among  my  papers,  the  remaining  part  of  these  memoirs ; 
which  consisted  of  accidents,  turns,  and  adventures,  both  new, 
agreeable,  and  surprising;  and  therefore  calculated,  in  all  due 
points,  to  the  delicate  taste  of  this  our  noble  age.  But,  alas  ! 
with  my  utmost  endeavours  I  have  been  able  only  to  retain  a 
few  of  the  heads.  Under  which  there  was  a  full  account,  how 
Peter  got  a  protection  out  of  the  King's  bench  ;  and  of  a  recon- 
cilement between  Jack  and  him,  upon  a  design  they  had  in  a 
certain  rainy  night  to  trepan  brother  Martin  into  a  spunging- 
house,  and  there  strip  him  to  the  skin  ;f  how  Martin,  with 
much  ado,  showed  them  both  a  fair  pair  of  heels  ;  how  a  new 
warrant  came  out  against  Peter;  upon  which,  how  Jack  left 
him  in  the  lurch,  stole  his  protection,  and  made  use  of  it  him- 
self. How  Jack's  tatters  came  into  fashion  in  court  and  city  ; 

[*  Including  Scaligers.] 

t  In  the  reign  of  King  James  II.  the  presbyterians,  by  the  King's 
invitation,  joined  with  the  papists  against  the  church  of  England,  and 
addressed  him  for  repeal  of  the  penal  laws  and  test.  The  King,  by 
his  dispensing  power,  gave  liberty  of  conscience,  which  both  papists 
and  presbylerians  made  use  of.  But  upon  the  revolution,  the  papists 
being  down  of  course,  the  presbyterians  freely  continued  their  assem- 
blies, by  virtue  King  James'  Indulgence,  before  they  had  a  toleration 
by  law.  This,  I  believe,  the  author  means  by  Jack's  stealing  Peter's 
protection,  and  making  use  of  it  himself. 


122  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

how  he  got  upon  a  great  horse,*  and  ate  custard.f  But  the 
particulars  of  all  these,  with  several  others,  which  have  now 
slid  out  of  my  memory,  are  lost  beyond  all  hopes  of  recovery. 
For  which  misfortune,  leaving  my  readers  to  condole  with  each 
other,  as  far  as  they  shall  find  it  to  agree  with  their  several 
constitutions;  but  conjuring  them  by  all  the  friendship  that 
hath  passed  between  us,  from  the  title-page  to  this,  not  to  pro- 
ceed so  far  as  to  injure  their  heaKhs,  for  an  accident  past  rem- 
edy ;  I  now  go  on  to  the  ceremonial  part  of  an  accomplished 
writer ;  and  therefore,  by  a  courtly  modern,  lest  of  all  others  to 
be  omitted. 


THE  CONCLUSION. 

GOING  too  long  is  a  cause  of  abortion,  as  effectual,  though 
not  so  frequent,  as  going  too  short;  and  holds  true  especially 
in  the  labours  of  the  brain.  Well  fare  the  heart  of  that  noble 
JesuitJ  who  first  adventured  to  confess  in  print,  that  books 
must  be  suited  to  their  several  seasons,  like  dress,  and  diet, 
and  diversions :  and  better  fare  our  noble  nation,  for  refining 
upon  this  among  other  French  modes.  I  am  living  fast  to  see 
the  time,  when  a  book  that  misses  its  tide,  shall  be  neglected, 
as  the  moon  by  day,  or  like  mackt  rel  a  week  after  the  season. 
No  man  hath  more  nicely  observed  our  climate,  than  the  book- 
seller who  bought  the  copy  of  this  work.  He  knows  to  a  tittle 
what  subjects  will  best  go  off  in  a  dry  year,  and  which  it  is 
proper  to  expose  foremost  when  the  weather-glass  is  fallen  to 
much  rain.  When  he  had  seen  this  treatise,  and  consulted 
his  almanac  upon  it,  he  gave  me  to  understand,  that  he  had 
manifestly  considered  the  two  principal  things,  which  were, 
the  bulk  and  the  subject ;  and  found  it  would  never  take,  but 
after  a  long  vacation  ;  and  then  only,  in  case  it  should  happen 
to  be  a  hard  year  for  turnips.  Upon  which  I  desired  to  know, 
considering  my  urgent  necessities,  what  he  thought  might  be 
acceptable  this  month.  He  looked  westward,  and  said,  "I 
doubt  we  shall  have  a  fit  of  bad  weather;  however,  if  you 
could  prepare  some  pretty  little  banter,  but  not  in  verse,  or  a 
small  treatise  upon  the — ,  it  would  run  like  wild  fire.  But  if 
it  hold  up,  I  have  already  hired  an  author  to  write  some- 

*  Sir  Humphry  Edwyn,  a  presbyterian,  was  some  years  ago  Lord 
Mayor  of  London,  and  had  the  insolence  to  go  in  his  formalities  to  a 
conventicle  with  the  ensigns  of  his  office. 

t  Custard  is  a  famous  dish  at  a  lard  Mayor's  feast. 

[I  Pere  d'  Orleans.} 


THE    CONCLUSION.  123 

thing  against  Dr.  B — tl — y,  which  I  am  sure  will  turn  to 
account.* 

At  length  we  agreed  upon  this  expedient,  That  when  a 
customer  comes  for  one  of  these,  and  desires  in  confidence  to 
know  the  author;  he  will  tell  him  very  privately,  as  a  friend, 
na tning  whichever  of  the  wits  shall  happen  to  be  that  week 
in  the  vogue ;  and  if  Durfey's  last  play  should  be  in  course,  1 
had  as  lieve,  he  may  be  the  person  as  Congreve.  This  I  men- 
tion, because  I  am  wonderfully  well  acquainted  with  the  pre- 
sent relish  of  our  courteous  readers;  and  have  often  observed, 
with  singular  pleasure,  that  a  fly,  driven  from  a  honey-pot, 
will  immediately,  with  very  good  appetite,  alight,  and  finish 
his  meal  on  an  excrement. 

1  have  one  word  to  say  upon  the  subject  of  profound  writers, 
who  are  grown  very  numerous  of  late  ;  and  I  know  very  well 
the  judicious  world  is  resolved  to  list  me  in  that  number.  I 
conceive  therefore,  as  to  the  business  of  being  profound,  th*t 
it  is  with  writers,  as  with  wells  ;  a  person  with  good  eyes  may 
see  to  the  bottom  of  the  deepest,  provided  any  water  be  there  ; 
and  that  often  when  there  is  nothing  in  the  world  at  the  bot- 
tom, besides  dry  ness  and' dirt,  though  it  be  but  a  yard  and  half 
under  ground,  it  shall  pass  however  for  wonderous  deep,  upon 
no  wiser  a  reason  than  because  it  is  wonderous  dark. 

I  am  now  trying  an  experiment  very  frequent  among  mod- 
ern authors  ;  which  is,  to  write  upon  nothing  :  when  the  sub- 
ject it  utterly  exhausted,  to  let  the  pen  still  move  on  ;  by  some 
called, "the  ghost  of  wit,  delighting  to  walk  after  the  death  of 
its  body.  And  to  say  the  truth",  there  seems  to  be  no  part  of 
knowledge  in  fewer  hands,  than  that  of  discerning  when  to 
have  done.  By  the  time  that  an  author  has  wrote  out  a  book, 
he  and  his  readers  are  become  old  acquaintance,  and  grow 
very  loth  to  part ;  so  that  I  have  sometimes  known  it  to  be  in 
writing,  as  in  visiting,  where  the  ceremony  of  taking  leave  has 
employed  more  time  than  the  whole  conversation  before.  The 
conclusion  of  a  treatise  resembles  the  conclusion  of  human 
lite,  which  hath  sometimes  been  compared  to  the  end  of  a 
feast ;  where  few  are  satisfied  to  depart,  ut  plenui  vitas  conviva: 
for  men  will  sit  down  after  the  fullest  meal,  though  it  be  only 
to  doze,  or  to  sleep  out  the  rest  of  the  day.  But,  in  this  latter, 
1  differ  extremely  from  other  writers  ;  and  shall  be  too  proud, 


*  When  Dr.  Prideaux  brought  the  copy  of  his  connexion  of  the  Old 
and  New  Testament  to  the  bookseller,  he  told  him  it  was  a  dry  sub- 
ject, and  the  printing  could  not  safely  be  ventured,  unless  he  could 
•nliven  it  with  a  little  humour. 


124  A  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 

if  by  all  my  labours  I  can  have  any  ways  contributed  to  the 
repose  of  mankind,  in  times  so  turbulent  and  unquiet  as  these.* 
Neither  do  I  think  such  an  employment  so  very  alien  from  the 
office  of  a  writ,  as  some  would  suppose.  For  among  a  very 
polite  nation  in  Greece,f  there  were  the  same  temples  built 
and  consecrated  to  Sleep  and  the  Muses,  between  which  two 
deities  they  believed  the  strictest  friendship  was  established. 

I  have  one  concluding  favour  to  request  of  my  reader,  That 
he  will  not  expect  to  be  equally  diverted  and  informed  by 
every  line  or  every  page  of  this  discourse;  but  give  some 
allowance  to  the  authors'  spleen,  and  short  fits  or  intervals  of 
dulness,  as  well  as  his  own  ;  and  lay  it  seriously  to  his  con- 
science,''whether,  if  he  were  walking  the  streets  in  dirty  wea- 
ther or  a  rainy  day,  he  would  allow  it  fair  dealing  in  folks  at 
their  ease  from  a  window,  to  critic  his  gait,  and  ridicule  his 
dress  at  such  a  juncture. 

In  my  disposure  of  employments  of  the  brain,  I  have  though' 
fit  to  make  invention  the  master,  and  to  give  method  and  rea- 
son the  office  of  its  lacqueys.  The  cause  of  this  distribution 
was,  from  observing  it  my  peculiar  case,  to  be  often  under  a 
temptation  of  being  witty,  upon  occasion  where  I  coujd  be 
neither  wise  nor  sound,  nor  any  thing  to  the  matter  in  hand. 
And  I  am  too  much  a  servant  of  the  modern  way,  to  neglect 
any  such  opportunities,  whatever  pains  or  improprieties  I 
may  be  at,  to  introduce  them.  For  I  have  observed,  that  from 
a  laborious  collection  of  seven  hundred  thirty-eight  flowers 
and  shining  hints  of  the  best  modern  authors,  digested  with 
great  reading  into  my  book  of  common  places,  I  have  not 
been  able,  after  five  years,  to  draw,  hook,  or  force  into  com- 
mon conversation,  any  more  than  a  dozen.  Of  which  dozen, 
the  one  moiety  failed  of  success,  by  being  dropped  among 
unsuitable  company  ;  and  the  other  cost  me  so  many  strains, 
and  traps,  and  ambages  to  introduce,  that  I  at  length  resolved 
to  give  it  over.  Now,  this  disappointment,  (to  discover  a 
secret,)  I  must  own  gave  me  the  first  hint  of  setting  up  for 
an  author ;  and  I  have  since  found  among  some  particular 
friends,  that  it  is  became  a  very  general  complaint,  and  has 
produced  the  same  effects  upon  many  others.  For  I  have 
remarked  many  a  towardly  word  to  be  wholly  neglected  or 
despised  in  discourse,  which  hath  passed  very  smoothly,  with 
some  consideration  and  esteem,  after  its  preferment  and  sanc- 
tion in  print.  But  now,  since,  by  the  liberty  and  encourage- 

*  This  was  wrote  before  the  peace  of  Ryswick. 
[t  Trezenii,  Pausan,  I.  2.J 


THE  CONCLUSION.  125 

inent  of  the  press,  I  am  grown  absolute  master  of  the  occasions 
and  opportunities  to  expose  the  talents  I  have  acquired,  I  al- 
ready discover,  that  the  issues  of  my  observanda  begin  to  grow 
too  large  for  the  receipts.  Therefore  I  shall  here  pause  a 
while,  till  I  find,  by  feeling  the  world's  pulse,  and  my  own, 
that  it  will  be  of  absolute  necessity  for  us  both  to  resume  my 
pen. 


EHD  OF  THE  TALE  OF  A  TUB. 


OF  THE 


BATTLE 

FOUGHT  LAST  FRIDAY, 


BETWEEN 


THE  ANCIENT  AND  THE  MODERN 

BOOKS 


IN 


0t.  James'  Cibrarg. 


12T 


THE 
BOOKSELLER  TO  THE  READER. 

THE  following  discourse,  as  it  is  unquestionably  of  the  same 
author,  so  it  seems  to  have  been  written  about  the  same  time 
with  the  former;  I  mean  the  year  1697,  when  the  famous 
dispute  was  on  foot,  about  ancient  and  modern  learning.  The 
controversy  took  its  rise  from  an  essay  of  Sir  William  Temple 
upon  that  subject ;  which  was  answered  by  W.  Wotton,  B.  D. 
with  an  appendix  by  Dr.  Bentley,  endeavouring  to  destroy 
the  credit  of  ^Esop  and  Phalaris,  for  authors,  whom  Sir 
William  Temple  had,  in  the  essay  before  mentioned,  highly 
commended.  In  that  Appendix,  the  Doctor  falls  hard  upon 
a  new  edition  of  Phalaris,  put  out  by  the  Honourable  Charles 
Boyle,  now  earl  of  Orrery ;  to  which  Mr.  Boyle  replied  at 
large  with  great  learning  and  wit;  and  the  Doctor  voluminous- 
ly rejoined.  In  this  dispute,  the  town  highly  resented  to  see 
a  person  of  Sir  William  Temple's  character  and  merits  rough- 
ly used  by  the  two  Reverend  gentlemen  aforesaid,  and  without 
any  manner  of  provocation.  At  length,  there  appearing  no 
end  of  the  quarrel,  our  author  tells  us,  that  the  BOOKS  in  St. 
James'  library,  looking  upon  themselves  as  parties  principally 
concerned,  took  up  the  controversy,  and  came  to  a  decisive 
battle  ;  but  the  manuscript,  by  the  injury  of  fortune,  or  weather, 
being  in  several  places  imperfect,  we  cannot  learn  to  which 
side  the  victory  fell. 

I  must  warn  the  reader,  to  beware  of  applying  to  persons, 
what  is  here  meant  only  of  books  in  the  most  literal  sense. 
So,  when  Virgil  is  mentioned,  we  are  not  to  understand  the 
person  of  a  famous  poet  called  by  that  name ;  but  only  certain 
sheets  of  paper,  bound  up  in  leather,  containing  in  print  the 
works  of  the  said  poet :  and  so  of  the  rest. 

129 


THE 
PREFACE  OF  THE  AUTHOR. 

SATIRE  is  a  sort  of  a  glass,  wherein  beholders  do  generally 
discover  every  body's  face  but  their  own  ;  which  is  the  chief 
reason  for  that  kind  reception  it  meets  in  the  world,  and  that 
so  very  few  are  offended  with  it.  But  if  it  should  happen 
otherwise,  the  danger  is  not  great;  and  I  have  learned  from 
long  experience,  never  to  apprehend  mischief  from  those  un- 
derstandings I  have  been  able  to  provoke.  For  anger  and  fury, 
though  they  add  strength  to  the  sinews  of  the  body,  yet  are 
found  to  relax  those  of  the  mind,  and  to  render  all  its  efforts 
feeble  and  impotent. 

There  is  a  brain  that  will  endure  but  one  scumming ;  let  the 
owner  gather  it  with  discretion,  and  manage  his  little  stock 
with  husbandry.  But  of  all  things  let  him  beware  of  bringing 
it  under  the  lash  of  his  betters ;  because  that  will  make  it  all 
nubble  up  into  impertinence,  and  he  will  find  no  new  supply  : 
Wit  without  knowledge  being  a  sort  of  cream,  which  gathers 
in  a  night  to  the  top,  and  by  a  skilful  hand  may  be  soon  whipt 
into  froth  ;  but  once  scummed  away,  what  appears  undernratb. 
will  be  fit  for  nothing,  but  to  be  thrown  to  the  hogs. 

130 


A 

FULL  AND   TRUE  ACCOUNT 

OF  THE 

BATTLE, 

FOUGHT  LAST  FRIDAY,  &c. 

WHOEVER  examines  with  due  circumspection  into  the  an- 
nual records  of  Time,  will  rind  it  remarked,  that  War  is  the 
child  of  Pride,  and  Pride  the  daughter  of  Riches.*  The  for- 
mer of  which  assertions  may  be  soon  granted  ;  but  one  cannot 
so  easily  subscribe  to  the  latter.  For  pride  is  nearly  related  to 
beggary  and  want,  either  by  father  or  mother,  and  sometimes 
by  both  :  and  to  speak  naturally,  it  very  seldom  happens  among 
men  to  fall  out,  when  all  have  enough ;  invasions  usually 
travelling  from  north  to  south,  that  is  to  say,  from  poverty 
upon  plenty.  The -most  ancient  and  natural  grounds  of  quar- 
rels, are  lust  and  avarice  ;  which,  though  we  may  allow  to  be 
brethren  or  collateral  branches  of  pride,  are  certainly  the  issues 
of  want.  For  to  speak  in  the  phrase  of  writers  upon  the  po- 
litics, we  may  observe  in  the  republic  of  dogs,  fwhich  in  its 
original  seems  to  be  an  institution  of  the  many,)  mat  the  whole 
state  is  ever  in  the  profoundest  peace,  after  a  full  meal ;  and 
that  civil  broils  arise  among  them,  when  it  happens  for  one 
great  bone  to  be  seized  on  by  some  leading  dog,  who  either 
divides  it  among  the  few,  and  then  it  falls  to  an  oligarchy ;  or 
keeps  it  to  himself,  and  then  it  runs  up  to  a  tyranny.  The 
same  reasoning  also  holds  place  among  them,  in  those  dissen- 
sions we  behold  upon  a  turgescency  in  any  of  their  females. 
For,  the  right  of  possession  lying  in  common,  (it  being  impos- 
sible to  establish  a  property  in  so  delicate  a  case,)  jealousies 
and  suspicions  do  so  abound,  that  the  whole  commonwealth 
of  that  street  is  reduced  to  a  manifest  state  of  war,  of  every 
citizen  against  every  citizen ;  till  some  one  of  more  courage, 
conduct,  or  fortune  than  the  rest,  seizes  and  enjoys  the  prize; 
upon  which  naturally  arises  plenty  of  heart-burning,  and  envy, 
and  snarling  against  the  happy  dog.  Again,  if  we  look  upon 
any  of  these  republics  engaged  in  a  foreign  war,  either  of  in- 

[*  Riches  produceth  pride  ;  pride  is  war's  ground,  &c.  Vid.  Ephem. 
de  Mary  Clark,  opt.  edit.] 

131 


132  THE  BATTLE  OP  THE  ?OOKS. 

vasion  or  defence,  we  shall  find  the  same  reasoning  will  serve, 
as  to  the  grounds  and  occasions  of  each  ;  and  that  poverty,  or 
want,  in  some  degree  or  other,  (whether  real,  or  in  opinion, 
which  makes  no  alteration  in  the  case,)  has  a  great  share,  as 
well  as  pride,  on  the  part  of  the  aggressor. 

Now,  whoever  will  please  to  take  this  scheme,  and  either 
reduce  or  adapt  it  to  an  intellectual  state,  or  commonwealth 
of  learning,  will  soon  discover  the  first  ground  of  disagreement 
between  the  two  great  parties,  at  this  time  in  arms  ;  and  may 
form  just  conclusions  upon  the  merits  of  either  cause.  But 
the  issue  or  events  of  this  war  are  not  easy  to  conjecture  at : 
for  the  present  quarrel  is  so  inflamed  by  the  warm  heads  of 
either  faction,  and  the  pretensions  somewhere  or  other  so  ex- 
orbitant, as  not  to  admit  the  least  overtures  of  accommodation. 
This  quarrel  first  began,  (as  I  have  heard  it  affirmed  by  an 
old  dweller  in  the  neighbourhood)  about  a  small  spot  of  ground, 
lying  and  being  upon  one  of  the  two  tops  of  the  hill  Parnassus ; 
the  highest  and  largest  of  which  had,  it  seems,  been,  time  out 
of  mind,  in  quiet  possession  of  certain  tenants  called  the  An 
cients ;  and  the  other  was  held  by  the  Moderns.  But  these, 
disliking  their  present  station,  sent  certain»embassadors  to  the 
Ancients,  complaining  of  a  great  nuisance,  how  the  height  of 
that  part  of  Parnassus  quite  spoiled  the  prospect  of  theirs, 
especially  towards  the  east;  and  therefore  to  avoid  a  war,  of- 
fered them  the  choice  of  this  alternative,  Either  that  the  An- 
cients would  please  to  remove  themselves  and  their  effects 
down  to  the  lower  summit,  which  the  Moderns  would  gra- 
ciously surrender  to  them,  a-nd  advance  in  their  place;  or 
else,  that  the  said  Ancients  will  give  leave  to  the  Moderns,  to 
come  with  shovels  and  mattocks,  and  level  the  said  hill  as  low 
as  they  shall  think  it  convenient.  To  which  the  Ancients 
made  answer,  How  little  they  expected  such  a  message  as 
this,  from  a  colony  whom  they  had  admitted,  out  of  their  own 
free  grace,  to  so  near  a  neighbourhood :  That  as  to  their  own 
Beat,  they  were  Aborigines  of  it ;  and  therefore  to  talk  with 
them  of  a  removal  or  surrender,  was  a  language  they  did  not 
understand  :  That  if  the  height  of  the  hill  on  their  side  short- 
ened the  prospect  of  the  Moderns,  it  was  a  disadvantage  they 
could  not  help ;  but  desired  them  to  consider,  whether  that  in- 
jury, if  it  be  any,  were  not  largely  recompensed  by  the  shade 
and  shelter  it  afforded  them :  That  as  to  the  leveling  or  dig- 
ging down,  it  was  either  folly  or  ignorance  to  propose  it,  if 
they  did,  or  did  not  know,  how  that  side  of  the  hill  was  an  en- 
tire rock,  which  would  break  their  toola  and  hearts  without 
tny  damage  to  itself:  That  they  would  therefore  advise  the 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  133 

Moderns,  rather  to  raise  their  own  side  of  the  hill,  than  dream 
of  pulling  down  that  of  the  Angients  ;  to  the  former  of  which 
they  would  not  only  give  license,  but  also  largely  contribute. 
All  this  Avas  rejected  by  the  iVloderns,  with  much  indignation ; 
who  still  insisted  upon  one  of  the  two  expedients.  And  so  this 
difference  broke  out  into  a  long  and  obstinate  war ;  maintained 
on  the  one  party  by  resolution,  and  by  the  courage  of  certain 
leaders  and  allies ;  but  on  the  other,  by  the  greatness  of  their 
number,  upon  all  defeats  affording  continual  recruits.  In  this 
quarrel,  whole  rivulets  of  ink  have  been  exhausted,  and  the 
virulence  of  both  parties  enormously  augmented.  Now,  it 
must  here  be  understood,  that  ink  is  the  great  missile  weapon 
in  all  battles  of  the  learned,  which,  conveyed  through  a  sort 
of  engine  called  a  quill,  infinite  numbers  of  these  are  darted 
at  the  enemy,  by  the  valiant  on  each  side,  with  equal  skill  and 
violence,  as  if  it  were  an  engagement  of  porcupines.  This 
malignant  liquor  was  compounded  by  the  engineer  who  in- 
vented it,  of  two  ingredients,  which  are  gall  and  copperas;  by 
its  bitterness  and  venom,  to  suit  in  some  degree,  as  well  as  to 
foment  the  genius  of  the  combatants.  And  as  the  Grecians, 
after  an  engagement,  when  they  could  not  agree  about  the 
victory,  were  wont  to  set  up  trophies  on  both,sides;  the  beaten 
party  being  content  to  be  at  the  same  expense,  to  keep  itself 
in' countenance,  (a  laudable  and  ancient  custom,  happily  re- 
vived of  late  in  the  art  of  war;)  so  the  learned,  after  a  sharp 
and  bloody  dispute,  do  on  both  sides  hang  out  their  trophies 
too,  which  ever  comes  by  the  worst.  These  trophies  have 
largely  inscribed  on  them  the  merits  of  the  cause ;  a  full  im- 
partial account  of  such  a  battle,  and  how  the  victory  fell  clearly 
to  the  party  that  set  them  up.  They  are  known  to  the  world 
under  several  names;  as,  Disputes,  Arguments,  Rejoinders, 
Brief  Considerations,  Answers,  Replies,  Remarks,  Reflections, 
Objections,  Confutations.  For  a  very  few  days  they  are  fixed 
up  in  all  public  places,  either  by  themselves  or  their  represen- 
tatives,* for  passengers  to  gaze  at:  from  whence  the  chiefest 
and  largest  are  removed  to  certain  magazines  they  call  libraries, 
there  to  remain  in  a  quarter  purposely  assigned  them,  and 
from  thenceforth  begin  to  be  called  books  of  controversy. 

In  these  books  is  wonderfully  instilled,  and  preserved,  the 
spirit  of  each  warrior,  while  he  is  alive;  and  after  his  death, 
his  soul  transmigrates  there,  to  inform  them.  This,  at  least,  is 
the  more  common  opinion.  But  I  bt  lieve,  it  is  with  libraries 
as  with  other  cemeteries,  where  some  [  hilosophers  affirm,  that 

[*  Their  title-pages,  j 
M 


134  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

a  certain  spirit,  which  they  call  brutum  &o»nni»,hoversovprthe 
monument,  till  the  body  is  corrupted,  and  turns  to  dust  or  to 
worms,  but  then  vanishes  or  dissolves:  so  we  may  say,  a 
restless  spirit  haunts  over  every  book,  till  dust  or  worms  have 
seized  upon  it;  which  to  some  may  happen  in  a  few  days, 
but  to  others  later.  And  therefore,  books  of  controversy,  being 
01*  all  others  haunted  by  the  most  disorderly  spirits,  have  al- 
ways been  confined  in  a  separate  lodge  from  the  rest ;  and  for 
fear  of  mutual  violence  against  each  other,  it  was  thought 
prudent  by  our  ancestors,  to  bind  them  to  the  peace  with 
strong  iron  chains.  Of  which  invention  the  original  occasion 
was  this.  When  the  works  of  Scotus  first  came  out,  they 
were  carried  to  a  certain  great  library,  and  had  lodgings  ap- 
pointed them  ;  but  this  author  was  no  sooner  settled,  than  he 
went  to  visit  his  master  Aristotle,  and  there  both  concerted 
together,  to  seize  Plato  by  main  force,  and  turn  him  out  from 
his  ancient  station  among  the  divines,  where  he  had  peaceably 
dwelt  near  eight  hundred  years.  The  attempt  succeeded,  and 
the  two  usurpers  have  reigned  ever  since  in  his  stead.  But 
to  maintain  quiet  for  the  future,  it  was  decreed,  that  all 
polemics  of  the  larger  size  should  be  held  fast  with  a  chain. 

By  this  expedient,  the  public  peace  of  libraries  might 
certainly  have  been  preserved,  if  a  new  species  of  controversial 
books  had  not  arose  of  late  years,  instinct  with  a  most  malig- 
nant spirit,  from  the  war  above  mentioned,  between  thelearned, 
about  the  higher  summit  of  Parnassus. 

When  these  books  were  first  admitted  into  the  public  libraries, 
I  remember  to  have  said  upon  occasion,  to  several  persons 
concerned,  how  I  was  sure  they  would  create  broils  wherever 
they  came,  unless  a  world  of  care  were  taken ;  and  therefore 
I  advised,  that  the  champions  of  each  side  should  be  coupled 
together,  or  otherwise  mixed,  that,  like  the  blending  of  con- 
trary poisons,  their  malignity  might  be  employed  among  them- 
selves. And  it  seems  I  was  neither  an  ill  prophet,  nor  an  ill 
counsellor:  for  it  was  nothing  else  but  the  neglect  of  this 
caution  which  gave  occasion  to  the  terrible  fight  that  happened 
on  Friday  last  between  the  Ancient  and  Modern  books  in  the 
King's  library.  Now,  because  the  talk  of  this  battle  is  so  fresh 
in  every  body's  mouth,  and  the  expectation  of  the  town  so 
great,  to  be  informed  in  the  particulars ;  I,  being  possessed  of 
all  qualifications  requisite  in  an  historian,  and  retained  by 
neither  party,  have  resolved  to  comply  with  the  urgent  impor- 
tunity of  my  friends,  by  writing  down  a  full  impartial  account 
thereof. 

The  guardian  of  the  regal  library,  a  person  of  great  valour 


1HE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  135 

but  chiefly  renowned  for  his  humanity,*  had  been  a  fierce 
champion  for  the  Moderns;  and,  in  an  engagement  upon 
Parnassus,  had  vowed,  with  his  own  hands  to  knock  down  two 
of  the  Ancient  chiefs,  who  guarded  a  small  pass  on  the 
superior  rock:  but  endeavouring  to  cliiub  up,  was  cruelly 
obstructed  by  his  own  unhappy  weight,  and  tendency  towards 
his  centre :  A  quality  to  which  those  of  the  Modern  party  are 
extremely  subject;  for  beinslisht-headed,  they  have  in  specula- 
tion a  wonderful  agility,  and  conceive  nothing  too  high  for 
them  to  mount;  but  in  reducing  to  practice,  discover  a  mighty 
pressure  about  their  posteriors  and  their  heels.  Having  thus 
failed  in  his  design,  the  disappointed  champion  bore  a  cruel 
rancour  to  the  Ancients;  which  he  resolved  tc  gratify,  by 
showing  all  marks  of  his  favour  to  the  books  of  their  adver- 
saries, and  lodging  them  in  the  fairest  apartments ;  when  at 
the  same  time,  whatever  book  had  the  boldness  lo  own  itself 
for  an  advocate  of  the  Ancients,  was  buried  alive  in  some 
obscure  corner,  and  threaiened,  upon  the  least  displeasure,  to 
be  turned  out  of  doors.  Besides,  it  so  happened,  that  about 
this  time  there  was  a  strange  confusion  of  place  among  all  the 
books  in  the  library ;  for  which  several  reasons  were  assigned. 
Some  imputed  it  to  a  great  heap  of  learned  dust,  which  a  per- 
verse wind  blew  off  from  a  shelf  of  Moderns  into  the  keeper's 
eyes.  Others  affirmed  he  had  a  humour  to  pick  the  worms  out 
of  the  shoolmen,  and  swallow  them  fresh  and  fasting;  where- 
of some  fell  upon  his  spleen,  and  some  climbed.up  into  his  head, 
to  the  great  perturbation  of  both.  And,  lastly,  others  main- 
tained, that,  by  walking  much  in  the  dark  about  the  library,  he 
had  quite  lost  the  situation  of  it  out  of  his  head  ;  and,  therefore, 
in  replacing  his  books,  he  was  apt  to  mistake,  and  clap  Des 
Cartes  next  to  Aristotle;  poor  Plato  had  got  between  Hobbes 
and  the  Seven  Wise  Masters;  and  Virgil  was  hemmed  in  with 
Dryden  on  one  side,  and  Withers  on  the  other. 

Meanwhile,  those  books  that  were  advocates  for  the  Moderns, 
chose  out  one  from  among  them,  to  make  a  progress  through 
the  whole  library,  examine  the  number  and  strength  of  their 
party,  and  concert  their  affairs.  This  messenger  performed 
all  things  very  industriously,  sad  brought  back  with  him  a 
list  of  their  forces,  in  all  fifty  thousand,  consisting  chiefly  of 
light  horse,  heavy-armed  foot,  and  mercenaries :  whereof  the 


*  The  Honourable  Mr.  Boyle,  in  the  preface  to  his  edition  of 
Phalaris,  says,  he  was  refused  a  manuscript  by  the  library -keeper, 
970  tolita  humanitate  sua.  Doctor  Bentley  was  then  library  keeper, 
\be  two  ancients  were  Phalaris  and  JEsop. 


136  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

foot  were  in  general  but  sorrily  armed,  and  worse  clad  ;  theit 
horses  large,  but  extremely  out  of  case  and  heart.  However, 
some  few,  by  trading  among  the  Ancients,  had  furnished  them- 
selves tolerably  enough. 

While  things  were  in  this  ferment,  discord  grew  extremely 
high,  hot  words  passed  on  both  sides,  and  ill  blood  was  plenti- 
fully bred.  Here  a  solitary  Ancient,  squeezed  up  among  a 
whole  shelf  of  Moderns,  offered  fairly  to  dispute  the  case,  and 
to  prove,  by  manifest  reasons,  that  .the  priority  was  due  to 
them,  from  long  possession,  and  in  regard  of  their  prudence, 
antiquity,  and,  above  all,  their  great  merits  towards  the 
Moderns.  But  these  denied  the  premises ;  and  seemed  very 
much  to  wonder,  how  the  Ancients  could  pretend  to  insist 
upon  their  antiquity,  when  it  was  so  plain,  (if  they  went  to 
that,)  that  the  Moderns  were  much  the  more  Ancient*  of  the 
two.  As  for  any  obligations  they  owed  to  the  Ancients,  they 
renounced  them  all.  "  It  is  true,  (said  they,)  we  are  informed, 
some  few  of  our  party  have  been  so  mean  to  borrow  their 
subsistence  from  you.  But  the  rest,  infinitely  the  greater 
number,  (and  especially  we  French  and  English,)  were  so  far 
from  stooping  to  so  base  an  example,  that  there  never  passed, 
till  this  very  hour,  six  words  between  us.  For  our  horses  are 
of  our  own  breeding,  our  arms  of  our  own  forging,  and  our 
clothes  of  our  own  cutting  out  and  sewing."  Plato  was  by 
chance  upon  the  next  shelf,  and  observing  those  that  spoke  to 
be  in  the  ragged  plight  mentioned  a  while  ago ;  their  jades  lean 
and  foundered,  their  weapons  of  rotton  wood,  their  armour 
rusty,  and  nothing  but  rags  underneath;  he  laughed  loud,  and, 
in  his  pleasant  way,  swore,  By  G ,  he  believed  them. 

Now,  the  Moderns  had  not  proceeded  in  their  late  negocia- 
tion  with  secrecy  enough  to  escape  the  notice  of  the  enemy. 
For  those  advocates  who  had  begun  the  quarrel  by  setting  first 
on  foot  the  dispute  of  precedency,  talked  so  loud  of  coming  to 
a  battle,  that  Temple  happened  to  overhear  them,  and  gave 
immediate  intelligence  to  the  Ancients;  who  thereupon  drew 
up  their  scattered  troops  together,  resolving  to  act  upon  the 
defensive.  Upon  which  several  of  the  Moderns  fled  over  to 
their  party,  and  among  the-rest  Temple  himself.  This  Temple, 
having  been  educated  and  long  conversed  among  the  Ancients, 
was,  of  all  the  Moderns,  their  greatest  favourite,  and  became 
their  greatest  champion. 

Things  were  at  this  crisis,  when  a  material  accident  fell  out. 
For,  upon  the  highest  corner  of  a  large  window  there  dwelt 

[*  According  to  the  modern  paradox.] 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  137 

a  certain  spider,  swoln  up  to  the  first  magnitude  by  the  destruc- 
tion of  infinite  numbers  of  flies,  whose  spoils  Jay  scattered 
before  the  gates  of  his  palace,  like  human  bones  before  the 
cave  of  some  giant.  The  avenues  to  his  castle  were  guarded 
with  turnpikes  and  pallisadoes,  all  after  the  Modern  way  of 
fortification. 

After  you  had  passed  several  courts,  you  came  to  the  centre, 
wherein  you  might  behold  the  constable  himself  in  his  own 
lodgings,  which  had  windows  fronting  to  each  avenue,  and 
ports  to  sally  out  upon  all  occasions  of  prey  or  defence.  In 
this  mansion  he  had  for  sometime  dwelt  in  peace  and  plenty, 
without  danger  to  his  person  by  swahbws  from  above,  or  to 
his  palace  by  brooms  from  below ;  when  it  was  the  pleasure 
of  fortune  to  conduct  thither  a  wandering  bee,  to  whose  curi- 
osity a  broken  pane  in  the  glass  had  discovered  itself,  and  in 
he  went;  where  expatiating  a  while,  he  at  last  happened  to 
alight  upon  one  of  the  outward  walls  of  the  spider's  citadel ; 
which,  yielding  to  the  unequal  weight,  sunk  down  to  the  very 
foundation.  Thrice  he  endeavoured  to  force  his  passage,  and 
thrice  the  centre  shook.  The  spider  within,  feeling  the  terrible 
convulsion,  supposed,  at  first,  that  nature  was  approaching  to 
her  final  dissolution ;  or  else,  that  Beelzebub,  with  all  his  legions, 
was  come  to  revenge  the  death  of  many  thousands  of  his  sub- 
jects, whom  this  enemy  had  slain  and  devoured.  However, 
he,  at  length,  valiantly  resolved  to  issue  forth  and  meet  his 
fate.  Meanwhile  the  bee  had  acquitted  himself  of  his  toils, 
and,  posted  securely  at  some  distance,  was  employed  in  cleans- 
ing his  wings,  and  disengaging  them  from  the  ragged  remnants 
of  the  cobweb.  By  this  time  the  spider  wa»adventured  out; 
when,  beholding  the  chasms,  the  ruins  and  the  dilapidations 
of  his  fortress,  he  was  very  near  at  his  wit's  end.  He  stormed 
and  swore  like  a  madman,  and  swelled  till  he  was  ready  to 
burst.  At  length,  casting  his  eyes  upon  the  bee,  and  wisely 
gathering  causes  from  events,  (for  they  know  each  other  by 
sight,)  "  A  plague  split  you  (said  he)  for  a  giddy  son  of  a 
whore.  Is  it  you,  with  a  vengeance,  that  have  made  this  lit- 
ter here?  Could  you  not  look  before  you,  and  be  d n'd? 

Do  you  think  I  have  nothing  else  to  do,  (in  the  devil's  name,) 
but  to  mend  and  repair  after  your  arse  "?"  "  Good  words, 
(friend,  said  the  bee,  having  now  pruned  himself,  and  being 
disposed  to  droll ;)  I  will  give  you  my  hand  and  word  to  come 
near  your  kennel  no  more :  I  was  never  in  such  a  confounded 
pickle  since  I  was  born."  "  Sirrah,  (replied  the  spider,)  if  it 
were  not  for  breaking  an  old  custom  in  our  family,  never  to 
stir  abroad  against  an  enemy,  I  should  come  and  teach  you 
M  2 


88  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS- 

better  manners."  I  pray  have  patience,  (said  the  bee,)  or  you 
will  spend  your  substance ;  and,  for  ought  I  see,  you  may 
stand  in  need  of  it  all  towards  the  repair  of  your  house." 
"Rogue!  Rogue!  (replied  the  spider;)  yet  methinks  you 
should  have  more  respect  to  a  person,  whom  all  the  world  al- 
lows to  be  so  much  your  betters." — "  By  my  troth,  (said  the 
bee,)  the  comparison  will  amount  to  a  very  good  jest;  and 
you  will  do  me  a  favour  to  let  me  know  the  reasons  that  all  the 
world  is  pleased  to  use  in  so  hopeful  a  dispute."  At  this,  the 
spider,  having  swelled  himself  into  the  size  and  posture  of  a 
disputant,  began  his  argument  in  the  true  spirit  of  controversy, 
with  a  resolution  to  be  heartily  scurrilous  and  angry;  to  urge 
on  his  own  reasons,  without  the  least  regard  to  the  answers 
or  objections  of  his  opposite;  and  fully  predetermined  in  his 
mind  against  all  conviction. 

"Not  to  disparage  myself  (said  he)  by  the  comparison  with 
such  a  rascal,  what  art  thou  but  a  vagabond,  without  house 
or  home,  without  stock  or  inheritance  ;  born  to  no  possession  of 
your  own,  but  a  pair  of  wings  and  a  drone  pipe?  Your  live- 
lihood is  an  universal  plunder  upon  nature;  a  freebooter  over 
fields  and  gardens;  and,  for  the  sake  of  stealing,  will  rob  a 
nettle  as  readily  as  a  violet.  Whereas  I  am  a  domestic  animal, 
furnished  with  a  native  stock  within  myself.  This  large  castle 
(to  show  my  improvement  in  the  mathematics)  is  all  built 
with  my  own  hands,  and  the  materials  Attracted  altogether 
out  of  my  own  person." 

"I  am  glad  (answered  the  bee)  to  hear  you  grant  at  least, 
that  I  am  come  honestly  by  my  wings  and  my  voice  :  for  then, 
it  seems,  I  am  obliged  to  Heaven  alone  for  my  flights  and  my 
music  ;  and  Providence  would  never  have  bestowed  on  me 
two  such  gifts,  without  designing  them  for  the  noblest  ends. 
I  visit  indeed  all  the  flowers  and  blossoms  of  the  field  and  the 
garden  :  but  whatever  I  collect  from  thence,  enriches  myself, 
without  the  least  injury  to  their  beauty,  their  smell,  or  their 
taste.  Now,  for  you,  and  your  skill  in  architecture  and  other 
mathematics,  I  have  little  to  say.  In  that  building  of  your's, 
there  might,  for  ought  I  know,  have  been  labour  and  method 
enough  ;  but,  by  woful  experience  for  us  both,  it  is  too  plain, 
the  materials  are  nought ;  and  I  hope  you  will  henceforth  take 
warning,  and  consider  duration  and  matter,  as  well  as  method 
and  art.  You  boast  indeed  of  being  obliged  to  no  other  crea- 
ture, but  of  drawing  and  spinning  out  all  from  yourself;  that 
is  to  say,  if  we  may  judge  of  the  liquor  in  the  vessel  by  what 
issues  out,  you  possess  a  good  plentiful  store  of  dirt  and  poison 
n  your  breast.  And  though  I  would  by  no  means  lessen  or 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  139 

disparage  your  genuine  stock  of  either,  yet,  I  doubt,  you  are 
somewhat  obliged  for  an  increase  of  both  to  a  little  foreign 
assistance.  Your  inherent  portion  of  dirt  does  not  fail  of  ac- 
quisitions, by  sweepings  exhaled  from  below  ;  and  one  insect 
furnishes  you  with  a' share  of  poison  to  destroy  another.  So 
that,  in  short,  the  question  comes  all  to  this,  Whether  is  the 
nobler  being  of  the  two,  that  which,  by  a  lazy  contemplation 
of  four  inches  round,  by  an  overweening  pride,  which,  feeding 
and  engendering  on  itself,  turns  all  into  excrement  and  venom, 
producing  nothing  at  all,  but  flybane  and  cobweb;  or  that, 
which,  by  an  universal  range,  with  leng  search,  much  study, 
true  judgment,  and  distinction  of  things,  brings  home  honey 
and  wax?" 

This  dispute  was  managed  with  such  eagerness,  clamour, 
and  warmth,  that  the  two  parties  of  books  in  arms  below, 
stood  silent  awhile,  waiting  in  suspense  what  would  be  the 
issue.  Which  was  not  long  undetermined  :  for  the  bee,  grown 
impatient  at  so  much  loss  of  time,  fled  straight  away  to  a  bed 
of  roseSj  without  looking  for  a  reply  ;  and  let  the  spider,  like 
an  orator  collected  in  himself,  and  just  prepared  to  burst  out. 

It  happened  upon  this  emergency,  that  ^Esop  broke  silence 
first.  He  had  been  of  late  most  barbarously  treated,  by  a 
strange  effect  of  the  Regent's  humanity,**  who  had  torn  off  his 
title-page,  sorely  defaced  one  half  of  his  leaves,  and  chained 
him  fast  among  a  shelf  of  Moderns.  Where  soon  discovering 
how  high  the  quarrel  was  like  to  proceed,  he  tried  all  his  arts, 
and  turned  himself  to  a  thousand  forms.  At  length,  in  the 
borrowed  shape  of  an  ass,  the  Regent  mistook  him  for  a 
Modern;  by  which  means,  he  had  time  and  opportunity  to 
escape  to  the  Ancients,  just  when  the  spider  and  the  bee  were 
entering  into  their  contest :  to  which  he  gave  his  attention  with 
a  world  of  pleasure ;  and  when  it  was  ended,  swore  in  the 
loudest  key,  that,  in  all  his  life,  he  had  never  known  two  cases 
so  parallel  and  adapt  to  each  other,  as  that  in  the  window,  and 
this  upon  the  shelves.  "  The  disputants  (said  he)  have  admir- 
ably managed  the  dispute  between  them,  have  taken  in  the 
fulf  strength  of  all  that  is  to  be  said  on  both  sides,  and  exhausted 
the  substance  of  every  argument  pro  and  con.  It  is  but  to  ad- 
just the  reasonings  of  both  to  the  present  quarrel,  then  to  com- 
pare and  apply  the  labours  and  fruits  of  each,  as  the  bee  has 
learnedly  deduced  them  ;  and  we  shall  find  the  conclusion  fall 
plain  and  close  upon  the  Moderns  and  us  For  pray,  gentle- 
men, was  ever  any  thing  so  modem  as  the  spider;  in  his  air, 

*  Bentley,  who  denied  the  antiquity  of  JEsop  ,  eee  note  page  77. 


140  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

his  turns,  and  his  paradoxes  ?  He  argues  in  the  behalf  of  you 
his  brethren,  and  himself,  with  many  boastings  of  his  native 
stock,  and  great  genius;  that  he  spins  and  spits  wholly  from 
himself,  and  scorns  to  own  any  obligation  or  assistance  from 
without.  Then  he  displays  to  you  his  great  skill  in  architect- 
ure, and  improvement  in  the  mathematics.  To  all  tliis,  the 
bee,  as  an  advocate  retained  by  us  the  Ancients,  thinks  fit  to 
answer,  That  if  one  may  judge  of  the  great  genius  or  invention 
of  the  Moderns,  by  what  they  have  produced,  you  will  hardly 
have  countenance  to  bear  you  out  in  boasting  of  either.  Erect 
your  schemes  with  as  much  method  and  skill  as  you  please; 
yet  if  the  materials  be  nothing  but  dirt,  spun  out  of  your  own 
entrails,  (the  guts  of  modern  brains,)  the  edifice  will  conclude 
at  last  in  a  cobweb;  the  duration  of  which,  like  that  of  other 
spiders'  webs,  may  be  imputed  to  their  being  begotten,  or 
neglected,  jr  hid  in  a  corner. '  For  any  thing  else  of  genuine, 
that  the  Moderns  may  pretend  to,  I  cannot  recollect;  unless 
it  be  a  large  vein  of  wrangling  and  satire,  much  of  a  nature 
and  substance  with  the  spider's  poison  ;  which,  however,  they 
pretend  to  spit  wholly  out  of  themselves,  is  improved  by  the 
same  arts,  by  feeding  upon  the  insects  and  vermin  of  the  age 
As  for  us  the  Ancients,  we  are  content  with  the  bee  to  pre- 
tend to  nothing  of  our  own,  beyond  our  wings  and  our  voice; 
that  is  to  say,  our  flights  and  our  language.  For  the  rest, 
whatever  we  have  got,  has  been  by  infinite  labour  and  search, 
and  ranging  through  every  corner  of  nature.  The  difference 
is,  that  instead  of  dirt  and  poison,  we  have  rather  chose  to  fill 
our  hives  with  honey  and  wax ;  thus  furnishing  mankind  with 
the  two  noblest  of  things,  which  are,  sweetness  and  light." 

It  is  wonderful  to  conceive  the  tumult  arisen  among  the 
books,  upon  the  close  of  this  long  descant  of  ^9Esop ;  both 
parties  took  the  hint,  and  heightened  their  animosities  so  on  a 
sudden,  that  they  resolved  it  should  come  to  a  battle.  The 
Moderns  on  their  parts  were  in  very  warm  debates  upon  the 
choice  of  their  leaders ;  and  nothing  less  than  the  fear  impend- 
ing from  their  enemies,  could  have  kept  them  from  mutinies 
upon  this  occasion.  The  difference  was  greatest  among  the 
horse,  where  every  private  trooper  pretended  to  the  chief 
command,  from  Tasso  and  Milton,  to  Dryden  and  Withers. 
The  light-horse  were  commanded  by  Cowley  and*  Despreaux. 
There  came  the  bowmen  under  their  valiant  leaders,  Des 
Cartes,  Gassendi,  and  Hobbes ;  whose  strength  was  such, 
.hat  they  could  shoot  their  arrows  beyond  the  atmosphere, 

"  More  commonly  known  by  the  name  of  Boileau. 


THE  "ATTLE  OP  THE  BOOKS.  141 

never  to  fall  down  again,  but  turn,  like  that  of  Evander,  into 
meteors,  or,  like  the  cannon-ball,  into  stars.  Paracelsus  brought 
a  squadron  of  stink-pot  flingers  from  the  snowy  mountains  of 
Raetia.  There  came  a  vast  body  of  dragoons  of  different  nations, 
under  the  leading  of  Hervey,*  their  great  Aga ;  part  armed 
with  scythes,  the  weapons  of  death;  part  with  lances  and 
long  knives,  all  steeped  in  poison ;  part  shot  bullets  of  a  most 
malignant  nature,  and  used  white  powder,  which  infallibly 
killed  without  report.  There  came  several  bodies  of  heavy- 
armed  foot,  all  mercenaries,  under  the  ensigns  of  Guicciardini, 
Davila,  Polydore,  Virgil,  Buchanan,  Mariana,  Camden,  and 
others.  The  engineers  were  commanded  by  Regiomontanus 
and  Wilkins.  The  rest  were  a  confused  multitude,  led  by 
Scotus,  Aquinas,  and  Bellarmine ;  of  mighty  bulk  and  stature, 
but  without  either  arms,  courage,  or  discipline.  In  the  last 
place,  came  infinite  swarms  of  calones,f  a  disorderly  rout, 
led  by  L'Estrange;  rogues  and  ragamuffins,  that  follow  the 
camp  for  nothing  but  the  plunder;  all  without  coatsj  to  cover 
them. 

The  army  of  the  Ancients  were  much  fewer  in  number. 
Homer  led  the  horse,  and  Pindar  the  light-horse  :  Euclid  was 
chief  engineer ;  Plato  and  Aristotle  commanded  the  bowmen  ; 
Herodotus  and  Livy  the  foot;  Hippocrates  the  dragoons;  the 
allies  led  by  Vossius,  and  Temple  brought  up  the  rear. 

All  things  violently  tending  to  a  decisive  battle,  Fame,  who 
much  frequented,  and  had  a  large  apartment  formerly  assign- 
ed her  in  the  regal  library,  fled  straight  up  to  Jupiter,  to  whom 
she  delivered  a  faithful  account  of  all  that  passod  between  the 
two  parties  below.  (For,  among  the  gods,  she  always  tells 
truth.)  Jove,  in  great  concern,  convokes  a  council  in  the 
Milky  Way.  The  senate  assembled  :  he  declares  the  occasion 
of  convening  them;  a  bloody  battle  just  impending  between 
two  mighty  armies  of  Ancient  and  Modern  creatures,  called 
books,  wherein  the  celestial  interest  was  but  too  deeply  con- 
cerned. Momus,  the  patron  of  the  Moderns,  made  an  excel- 

*  Dr.  Hervey  who  discovered  the  circulation  of  the  blood,  a  dis- 
covery much  insisted  on  by  the  advocates  for  the  Moderns,  and  ex- 
cepted  against  as  false  by  Sir  William  Temple  in  his  essay. 

t  Calones,  by  calling  this  disorderly  rout  Calones,  the  author  points 
both  his  satire  and  contempt  against  all  sorts  of  mercenary  scribblers, 
who  write  as  they  are  commanded  by  the  leaders  and  patrons  of  sedi- 
tion, faction,  corruption  and  every  evil  work  :  they  are  styled  Calonea 
because  they  are  the  meanest  and  most  despicable  of  all  writer?) ;  aa 
the  Calones,  whether  belonging  to  the  army  or  private  families, 
were  the  meanest  of  all  slaves  or  servants  whatsoever. 

t  These  are  pamphlets,  which  are  not  bound  or  covered. 


142  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

lent  speech  in  t;«ir  favour;  which  was  answered  by  Pallas, 
the  protectress  of  the  Ancients.  The  assembly  was  divided  in 
their  affections  ;  when  Jupiter  commanded  the  book  of  Fate  to 
be  laid  before  him.  Immediately  were  brought  by  Mercury, 
three  large  volumes  in  folio,  containing  memoirs  of  all  things 
past,  present,  and  to  come.  The  clasps  were  of  silver,  double 
gilt ;  the  covers  of  celestial  turkey-leather,  and  the  paper 
such  as  here  on  earth  might  almost  pass  for  vellum.  Jupiter, 
having  silently  read  the  decree,  would  communicate  the  im- 
port to  none,  but  presently  shut  up  the  book. 

Without  the  doors  of  this  assembly,  there  attended  a  vast 
number  of  light,  nimble  gods,  menial  servants  to  Jupiter. 
These  are  his  ministering  instruments  in  all  Affairs  below. 
They  travel  in  a  caravan,  more  or  less  together,  and  are  fast- 
ened to  each  other  like  a  link  of  galley-slaves,  by  a  light  chain, 
which  passes  from  them  to  Jupiter's  great  toe.  And  yet  in 
receiving  or  delivering  a  message,  they  may  never  approach 
above  the  lowest  step  of  his  throne,  where  he  and  they  whis- 
per to  each  other  through  a  long  hollow  trunk.  These  deities 
are  called  by  mortal  men,  Accidents,  or  Events ;  hut  the  gods 
call  them,  Second  Causes.  Jupiter  having  delivered  his  mes- 
sage to  a  certain  number  of  these  divinities,  they  flew  imme- 
diately down  to  the  pinnacle  of  the  regal  library,  and,  consult- 
ing a  few  minutes,  entered  unseen,  and  disposed  the  parties 
according  to  their  orders. 

Mean  while,  Momus,  fearing  the  worse,  and  calling  to 
mind  an  ancient  prophecy,  which  bore  no  very  good  face  to 
his  children  the  Moderns,  bent  his  flight  to  the  region  of  a 
malignant  deity.-  called  Criticism.  She  dwelt  on  \\e  top  of  a 
snowy  mountair.  in  Nova  Zembla.  There  Momus  found  her 
extended  in  her  den,  upon  the  spoils  of  numberless  volumes 
half  devoured.  At  her  right  hand  sat  Ignorance,  her  father 
and  husband,  blind  with  age ;  at  her  left,  Pride,  her  mother, 
dressing  her  up  in  the  scraps  of  paper  herself  had  torn.  There 
was  Opinion,  her  sister,  light  of  foot,  hood-winked,  and  head- 
strong; yet  giddy,  and  perpetually  turning.  About  her  play- 
ed her  children,  Noise,  and  Impudence,  Dulness,  and  Vanity, 
Positiveness,  Pedantry,  and  Ill-manners.  The  goddess  herself 
had  claws  like  a  cat;  her  heal,  and  ears,  and  voice,  resem- 
bled those  of  an  ass ;  her  teeth  fallen  out  before ;  her  eyes 
turned  inward,  as  if  she  looked  only  upon  herself;  her  diet  was 
the  overflowing  of  her  own  gall ;  her  spleen  was  so  large,  as  to 
stand  prominent  like  a  dug  of  the  first  rate;  nor  wanted  ex- 
crescences in  form  of  teats,  at  which  a  crew  of  ugly  monsters 
were  greedily  sucking;  and,  what  is  wonderful  to  conceive. 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  113 

the  bulk  of  spleen  increased  faster  than  the  sucking  could  di- 
minish it.  "  Goddess,  (said  Momus,)  can  you  sit  idly  here, 
while  our  devout  worshippers,  the  Moderns,  are  this  minute  en- 
tering into  a  cruel  battle,  and  perhaps,  now  lying  under  the 
swords  of  their  enemies  ?  Who  then  hereafter  will  ever  sacri- 
fice, or  build  altars  to  our  divinities?  Haste  therefore  to  the 
British  isle,  and,  if  possible,  prevent  their  destruction ;  while 
I  make  factions  among  the  gods,  and  gain  them  over  to  our 
party." 

Momus,  having  thus  delivered  himself,  staid  not  for  an 
answer,  but  left  the  goddess  to  her  own  resentment.  Up  she 
rose  in  a  rage ;  and,  as  it  is  the  form  upon  such  occasions, 
began  a  soliloquy. 

"  It  is  1,  (said  she,)  who  give  wisdom  to  infants  and 
idiots ;  by  me  children  grow  wiser  than  their  parents  ;  by  me 
beaux  become  politicians,  and  school-boys  judges  of  philoso- 
phy ;  by  me  sophisters  debate,  and  conclude  upon  the  depths  of 
knowledge;  and  coffee-house  wits,  instinct  by  me,  can  cor- 
rect an  author's  style,  and  display  his  minutest  errors,  without 
jnderstanding  a  syllable  of  his  matter  or  his  language;  by 
me  striplings  spend  their  judgment,  as  they  do  their  estate 
before  it  comes  into  their  hands.  It  is  I  who  have  deposed 
wit  and  knowledge  from  their  empire  over  Poetry,  and  advanc- 
ed myself  in  their  stead.  And  shall  a  few  upstart  Ancients 

dare  to  oppose  me? But,  come,  my  aged  parents,  and  you 

my  children  dear,  and  tliou  my  beauteous  sister;  let  us  ascend 
my  chariot,  and  haste  to  assist  our  devout  Moderns,  who  are 
now  sacrificing  to  us  a  hecatomb,  as  I  preceive  by  that  grate- 
ful smell  which  from  thence  reaches  my  nostrils." 

The  goddess  and  her  train  having  mounted  the  chariot,  which 
was  drawn  by  tame  geese,  flew  over  infinite  regions,  shedding 
her  influence  in  due  places,  till,  at  length,  she  arrived  at  her 
beloved  island  of  Britain.  But,  in  hovering  over  its  metropolis, 
what  blessings  did  she  not  let  fall  upon  her  seminaries  of 
Gresham  and  Covent  garden  !  And  now"  she  reached  the  fatal 
plain  of  St.  James's  Library,  at  what  time  the  two  armies 
were  upon  the  point  to  engage ;  where  entering  with  all  her 
caravan  unseen,  and  landing  upon  a  case  of  shelves,  now  de- 
sert, but  once  inhabited  by  a  colony  of  virtuosos,  she  staid  a 
while  to  observe  the  posture  of  both  armies. 

But  here  the  tender  cares  of  a  mother  began  to  fill  her 
thoughts  and  move  in  her  breast.  For,  at  the  head  of  a  troop 
of  Modern  bowmen,  she  cast  her  eyes  upon  her  son  W — tt — n  ; 
to  whom  the  fates  had  assigned  a  very  short  thread ;  W — tt — n, 
a  young  hero,  whom  an  unknown  father  of  mortal  race  begot 


144  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

by  stolen  embraces  with  this  goddess.  He  was  the  darling  of 
his  mother,  above  all  her  children  ;  and  she  resolved  to  go  and 
comfort  him.  But  first,  according  to  the  good  old  custom  of 
deities,  she  cast,  about  her  to  change  her  shape ;  for  fear  the 
divinity  of  her  countenance  might  dazzle  his  mortal  sigbt,  and 
overcharge  the  rest  of  his  senses.  She  therefore  gathered  up 
her  person  into  an  octavo  compass.  Her  body  grew  white 
and  arid,  and  split  in  pieces  with  dryness  ;  the  thick  turned 
into  pasteboard,  and  the  thin  into  paper ;  upon  which  her  pa- 
rents and  children  artfully  strewed  a  black  juice  or  decoction 
of  gall  and  soot  in  form  of  letters;  her  head,  and  voice,  and 
spleen,  kept  their  primitive  form  ;  and  that  whk  h  before  was 
a  cover  of  skin,  did  still  continue  so. 

In  this  guise  she  marched  on  towards  the  Moderns  undis- 
tinguishable  in  shape  and  dress  from  the  divine  B — ntl — y, 
W — tt — n's  dearest  friend.  "  Brave  W — tt — n,  (said  the 
goddess,)  why  do  our  troops  stand  idle  here,  to  spend  their 
present  vigour,  and  opportunity  of  the  day  ?  Away,  let  us 
haste  to  the  general?,  and  advise  to  give  the  onset  immediate- 
ly." Having  spoke  thus,  she  took  the  ugliest  of  her  monsters, 
full  glutted  from  her  spleen,  and  flung  it  invisibly  into  his 
mouth;  which,  flying  straight  up  into  his  head,  squeezed  out 
his  eye-balls,  gave  him  a  distorted  look,  and  half  over-turned 
his  brain.  Then  she  privately  ordered  two  of  her  beloved  chil- 
dren, Dulness  and  Ill-manners,  closely  to  attend  his  person  in 
all  encounters.  Having  thus  accoutered  him,  she  vanished  in 
a  mist;  and  the  hero  perceived  it  was  the  goddess,  his  mother. 

The  destined  hour  of  fate  being  now  arrived,  the  fight  began ; 
whereof,  before  I  dare  adventure  to  make  a  particular  descrip- 
tion, I  must,  after  the  example  of  other  authors,  petition  for  a 
hundred  tongues,  and  mouths  and  hands,  and  pens ;  which 
would  all  be  too  little  to  perform  so  immense  a  work.  Say, 
goddess,  that  presidest  over  history,  who  it  was  that  first  ad- 
vanced in  the  field  of  battle.  Paracelsus,  at  the  head  of  his 
dragoons,  observing  Galen  in  the  adverse  wing,  darted  his 
javelin  with  a  mighty  force  ;  which  the  brave  Ancient  received 
upon  his  shield,  the  point  breaking  in  the  second  fold.  * 
*  *  *  *  Hie  pauca  desunt.  They  bore  the  wounded  Aga* 
on  their  shields  to  his  chariot.  *****  Desunt  non- 
nullu.  • 

Then  Aristotle,  observing  Bacon  advance  with  a  furious 

*  Doctor  Hervey,  it  was  not  thought  proper  to  name  his  antagonist, 
bat  only  to  imitate  that  he  was  wounded ;  other  Moderns  are  spared 
by  the  hiatus  that  follows  probably  for  similar  reasons. 


THE  BATTLii  OF  THE  BOOKS.  145 

linen,  drew  his  bow  to  the  head,  and  let  fly  his  arrow  ;  which 
missed  the  valiant  Modern,  and  went  hissing  over  his  head. 
But  Des  Cartes  is  hit:  the  steel  point  quickly  found  a  delect 
in  his  head  piece  ;  it  pierced  the  leather  and  the  pasteboard, 
and  went  in  at  his  right  eye.  The  torture  of  the  pain  whirled 
the  valiant  bowman  round,  till  death,  like  a  star  of  superior 
influence,  drew  him  into  his  own  vortex.  ****** 
*  Ing-ens  hiatus  hie  in  MS.  When  Homer  appeared 
at  the  head  of  the  cavalry,  mounted  on  a  furious  horse,  with 
difficulty  managed  by  the  rider  himself,  but  which  no  other 
morial  durst  approach.  He  rode  among  the  enemy's  ranks, 
and  bore  down  all  before  him.  Say,  goddess,  whom  he  slew 
first,  and  whom  he  slew  last.  First,  Gondibert*  advanced 
against  him,  clad  in  heavy  armour,  and  mounted  on  a  staid 
sober  gelding,  not  so  famed  for  his  speed,  as  his  docility  in 
kneeling,  whenever  his  rider  would  mount  or  light.  He  had 
made  a  vow  to  Pallas,  that  he  would  never  leave  the  field,  till 
he  had  spoiled  Homer  of  his  armour  ;f  madman !  who  had 
never  once  seen  the  wearer,  nor  understood  his  strength.  Him 
Homer  overthrew,  horse  and  man,  to  the  ground ;  there  to  be 
trampled  and  choaked  in  the  dirt.  Then,  with  a  long  spear, 
he  slew  Denham,  a  stout  Modern;  who,  from  his  father's 
side,  derived  his  lineage  from  Apollo,  but  his  mother  was  of 
mortal  race.J  He  fellr  and  bit  the  earth.  The  celestial  part 
Apollo  took,  and  made  it  a  star ;  but  the  terrestrial  lay  wal- 
lowing upon  the  ground.  Then  Homer  slew  W — si — y,  with 
a  kick  of  his  horse's  heel.  He  took  Perrault  by  mighty  force 
out  of  his  saddle,  then  hurled  him  at  Fontenelle ;  with  the 
same  blow  dashing  out  both  their  brains. 

On  the  left  wing  of  the  horse,  Virgil  appeared  in  shining 
armour,  completely  fitted  to  his  body.  He  was  mounted  on  a 
dapple-gray  steed  ;  the  slowness  of  whose  pace  was  an  effect 
of  the  highest  mettle  and  vigour.  He  cast  his  eye  on  the  ad- 
verse wing,  with  a  desire  to  find  an  object  worthy  of  his  val- 
our ;  when,  behold,  upon  a  sorrel  gelding,  of  a  monstrous 
size,  appeared  a  foe  issuing  from  among  the  thickest  of  the 
enemy's  squadrons  :  but  his  speed  was  less  than  his  noise; 
for  his  horse,  old  and  lean,  spent  the  dregs  of  his  strength  in 
a  high  trot ;  which,  though  it  made  slow  advances,  yet  caused 

*  An  heroic  poem  by  Sir  William  Davenant. 

[t   Vid.  Homer.] 

\  Sir  John  Denham's  poems  are  very  unequal,  extremely  good, 
and  very  indifferent ;  so  that  his  detracters  said,  he  waa  not  the  real 
author  of  Cooper's  Hill. 

N 


146  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

a  loud  clashing  of  his  armour,  terrible  to  hear.  The  two  cav 
aliers  had  now  approached  within  a  throw  of  a  lance  ;  when 
the  stranger  desired  a  parley,  and  lifting  up  the  vizard  of  his 
helmet,  a  face  hardly  appeared  from  within ;  which,  after  a 
pause,  was  known  for  that  of  the  renowned  Dryden.  The 
brave  Ancient  suddenly  started,  as  one  possessed  with  surprise 
and  disappointment  together:  for  the  helmet  was  nine  times 
too  large  for  the  head ;  which  appeared  situate  far  in  the 
hinder  part,  even  like  the  lady  in  a  lobster,  or  like  a  mouse 
under  a  canopy  of  state,  or  like  a  shrivelled  beau  from  within 
the  pent-house  of  a  modern  periwig  :  and  the  voice  was  suited 
to  the  visage,  sounding  weak  and  remote.  Dryden,  in  a  long 
harangue,  soothed  up  the  good  Ancient,  called  him  Father : 
and,  by  a  large  deduction  of  genealogies,  made  it  plainly  ap- 
pear, that  they  were  nearly  related.  Then  he  humbly  proposed 
an  exchange  of  armour,  as  a  lasting  mark  of  hospitality  be- 
tween them.  Virgil  consented,  (for  the  goddess  Diffidence 
came  unseen,  and  cast  a  mist  before  his  eyes,)  though  his  was 
of  gold,  and  cost  a  hundred  beeves,*  the  other's  but  of  rusty 
iron.  However,  this  glittering  armour  became  the  Modern  yet 
worse  than  his  own.  Then  they  agree  to  exchange  horses ; 
but  when  it  came  to  the  trial,  Dryden  was  afraid,  and  utterly 
unable  to  mount.  ********  Jlller  hiatus  in  MS. 
##*####  Liican  appeared  upon  a  fiery  horse,  of 
admirable  shape,  but  headstrong,  bearing  the  rider  where  he 
nst,  over  the  field.  He  made  a  mighty  slaughter  among  the 
enemy's  horse;  which  destruction  to  stop,  Bl — ckm — re,  a 
lamous  Modern,  (but  one  of  the  mercenaries,)  strenuously  op- 
posed himself;  and  darted  a  javelin  with  a  strong  hand,  which, 
falling  short  of  its  mark,  struck  deep  in  the  earth.  Then 
Lucan  threw  a  lance;  but  ^Esculapius  came  unseen,  and 
turned  off  the  point.f  "  Brave  Modern,  (said  Lucan,)  I  per- 
ceive some  god  protects  you  ;  for  never  did  my  arm  so  deceive 
me  before.  But  what  mortal  can  contend  with  a  god  ?  There- 
fore let  us  fight  no  longer,  but  present  gifts  to  each  other." 
Lucan  then  bestowed  the  Modern  a  pair  of  spurs,  and  Bl — ck- 
m — re  gave  Lucan  a  bridle.  *****  * 

*  *          *         *        *        *        Pauca  desunt. 

Creech  :  but,  the  goddess  Dulness  took  a  cloud,  formed  into 
the  shape  of  Horace,  armed  and  mounted,  and  placed  it  in  a 
flying  posture  before  him.  Glad  was  the  cavalier  to  begin  a 
combat  with  a  flying  foe,  and  pursued  the  image,  threatening 

[*  Vid  Homer.} 

t  His  skill  as  a  physician  atoned  for  his  dulness  as  a  poet. 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  147 

loud  ;  till  al  last  it  led  him  to  the  peaceful  bower  c  f  his  lather 
Ogleby  ;  by  whom  he  was  disarmed,  and  assigned  tc  his  repose. 

Then  Pindar  slew  ,  and ,  and  Oidharii,  and 

,  and  Afra*  the  Amazon,  light  of  foot;  never  advanc- 
ing in  a  direct  line,  but  wheeling  with  incredible  agility  and 
force,  he  made  a  terrible  slaughter  among  the  enemy's  light- 
horse.  Him  when  Cowley  observed,  his  generous  heart  burnt 
within  him,  and  he  advanced  against  the  fierce  Ancient,  imi- 
tating his  address,  and  pace  and  career,  as  well  as  the  vigou* 
of  his  horse,  and  his  own  skill,  would  allow.  When  the  two 
cavaliers  had  approached  within  the  length  of  three  javelins, 
first  Cowley  threw  a  lance;  which  missed  Pindar,  and  passing 
into  the  enemy's  ranks,  fell  ineffectual  to  the  ground.  Then 
Pindar  darted  a  javelin,  so  large  and  weighty,  that  scarce  a 
dozen  cavaliers,  as  cavaliers  are  in  our  degenerate  days,  could 
raise  it  from  the  ground;  yet  he  threw  it  with  ease,  and  it 
went  by  an  unerring  hand  singing  through  the  air;  nor  could 
the  Modern  have  avoided  present  death,  if  he  had  not  luckily 
opposed  the  shield  that  had  been  given  him  by  Venus.f  And 
now  both  heroes  drew  their  swords.  But  the  Modern  was  so 
aghast  and  disordered,  that  he  knew  not  where  he  was ;  his 
shield  dropt  from  his  hands  ;  thrice  he  fled,  and  thrice  he  could 
not  escape.  At  last  he  turned,  and,  lifting  up  his  hands  in  the 
posture  of  a  suppliant,  "  Godlike  Pindar,  (said  he,)  spare  my 
life,  and  possess  my  horse  with  these  arras,  besides  the  ransom 
which  my  friends  will  give,  when  they  hear  I  am  alive,  and 
your  prisoner." — "  Dog,  (said  Pindar,)  let  your  ransom  stay 
with  your  friends ;  but  your  carcase  shall  be  left  for  the  fowls 
of  the  air,  and  the  beasts  of  the  field."  With  that,  he  raised 
his  sword,  and,  with  a  mighty  stroke,  cleft  the  wretched 
Modern  in  twain,  the  sword  pursuing  the  blow ;  and  one 
half  lay  panting  on  the  ground,  to  be  trod  in  pieces  by  the 
horses'  feet,  the  other  half  was  borne  by  the  frighted  steed 
through  the  field.  This  Venus  took,  and  washed  it  seven  times 
in  ambrosia ;  then  struck  it  thrice  with  a  sprig  of  amarant : 
upon  which  the  leather  grew  round  and  soft,  and  the  leaves 
turned  into  feathers;  and  being  gilded  before,  continued  gilded 
still ;  so  it  became  a  dore,  and  she  harnessed  it  to  her  chariot. 
*  ***#***  Hiatus  in  MS. 

Day  being  far  spent,  and  the  numerous  forces  of  the  Moderns 
half  inclining  to  a  retreat,  there  issued,  forth,  from  a  squadron 
of  their  heavy-armed  foot,  a  captain,  whose  name  was  B — nt- 

*  Mrs.  Afra  Behn,  author  of  many  plays,  novels,  and  poems. 

*  His  poem  called  the  Mistress. 


148  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

1 — y  ;*  in  person  the  most  deformed  of  all  the  Moderns  ;  tall 
but  without  shape  or  comeliness  ;  large,  but  without  strength 
or  proportion.  His  armour  was  patched  up  of  a  thousand  in- 
coherent pieces;  and  the  sound  of  it  as  he  marched  was  loud 
and  dry,  like  that  made  by  the  fall  of  a  sheet  of  lead,  which 
an  Etesian  wind  blows  suddenly  down  from  the  roof  of  some 
steeple.  His  helmet  was  of  old  rusty  iron,  but  the  vizard  was 
brass,  which,  tainted  by  his  breath,  corrupted  into  copperas, 
nor  wanted  gall  from  the  same  fountain  ;  so  that,  whenever 
provoked  by  anger  or  labour,  an  atramentous  qualitv  of  most 
malignant  nature  was  seen  to  distil  from  his  lips.  In  his 
right  handf  he  grasped  a  flail,  and  (that  he  might  never  be 
unprovided  of  an  offensive  weapon)  a  vessel  full  of  ordure  in 
his  left.  Thus  completely  armed,  he  advanced  with  a  slow 
and  heavy  pace,  where  the  Modern  chiefs  were  holding  a 
consult  upon  the  sum  of  things;  who,  as  he  came  onwards, 
laughed  to  behold  his  crooked  leg  and  hurnp  shoulder,  which 
his  boot  and  armour  vainly  endeavouring  to  hide,  were  forced 
to  comply  with,  and  expose.  The  generals  made  use  of  him 
for  his  talent  of  railing:  which,  kept  within  government, 
proved  frequently  of  great  service  to  their  cause  ;  but  at  other 
times  did  more  mischief  than  good  ;  for  at  the  least  touch  of 
offence,  and  often  without  any  at  all,  he  would,  like  a  wound- 
ed elephant,  convert  it  against  his  leaders.  Such  at  this  junc- 
ture was  the  disposition  of  B — ntl — y,  grieved  to  see  the  enemy 
prevail,  and  dissatisfied  with  every  body's  conduct  but  his 
own.  He  humbly  gave  the  Modern  generals  to  understand, 
that  he  conceived  with  great  submission,  they  were  all  a  pack 
of  rogues,  and  fools,  and  sons  of  whores,  and  d n'd  cow- 
ards, and  confounded  loggerheads,  and  illiterate  whelps,  and 
nonsensical  scoundrels ;  that  if  himself  had  been  constituted 
general,  those  presumptuous  dogs  the  Ancients  would  long 
before  this  have  been  beaten  out  of  the  field.  J"  You,  said  he, 
sit  here  idle !  but  when  I  or  any  other  valiant  Modern  kill  any 
enemy,  you  are  sure  to  seize  the  spoil.  But  I  will  not  march 
one  foot  against  the  foe,  till  you  all  swear  to  me,  that  whom- 
soever I  take  or  kill,  his  arms  I  shall  quietly  possess."  B— nt- 
1 — y  having  spoke  thus,  Scaliger  bestowing  him  a  sour  look, 
"Miscreant  prater,  (said  he,)  eloquent  only  in  thine  own  eyes, 
thou  railest  without  wit,  or  truth,  or  discretion.  The  maligni- 

[*  The  episode  of  B — ntl — y  and  W — tt — n.] 

t  The  person  here  spoken  of,  is  famous  for  letting  fly  at  every  body 
without  distinction,  and  using  mean  and  foul  scurrilities. 
tt  Fid.  Homer,  dt  Tht-eite.} 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  I  40 

ty  of  ihy  temper  perverteth  nature,  thy  learning  makes  thes 
more  barbarous;  thy  study  of  humanity,  more  inhuman;  iby 
converse  among  poets,  more  grovelling,  miry,  and  dulL  Atf 
arts  of  civilizing  others  render  thee  rude  and  untractable 
courts  have  taught  thee  ill  manners ;  and  polite  conversatiot 
has  finished  thee  a  pedant.  Besides,  a  greater  coward  burden- 
eth  not  the  army.  But  never  despond,  I  pass  my  word,  what- 
ever spoil  thou  takest,  shall  certainly  be  thy  own  ;  though  I  hope 
that  vile  carcase  will  first  become  a  prey  to  kites  and  worms.'1 
B — nil — y  durst  not  reply;  but  half  choaked  with  spleen 
and  rage,  withdrew  in  full  resolution  of  performing  some 
great  achievement.  With  him,  for  his  aid  and  companion, 
he  took  his  beloved  W — tt — n ;  resolving  by  policy  or  surprise, 
to  attempt  some  neglected  quarter  of  the  Ancients'  army.  They 
began  their  march  over  carcases  of  their  slaughtered  friends ; 
then  to  the  right  of  their  own  forces ;  then  wheeled  northward, 
till  they  came  to  Aldrovandus's  tomb;  which  they  passed  on 
the  side  of  the  declining  sun.  And  now  they  arrived  with 
fear  towards  the  enemy's  out  guards,  looking  about,  if  haply 
they  might  spy  the  quarters  of  the  wounded,  or  some  strag- 
ling  sleepers,  unarmed,  and  remote  from  the  rest.  As  when 
two  mongrel  curs,  whom  native  greediness  and  domestic 
want  provoke  and  join  in  partnership,  though  fearful,  nightly 
to  invade  the  folds  of  some  rich  grasier ;  they,  with  tails  de- 
pressed and  lolling  tongues,  creep  soft  and  slow.  Meanwhile, 
the  conscious  moon,  now  in  her  zenith,  on  their  guilty  heads 
darts  perpendicular  rays ;  nor  dare  they  bark,  though  much 
provoked,  at  her  refulgent  visage,  whether  seen  in  puddle  by 
reflexion,  or  in  sphere  direct;  but  one  surveys  the  region 
round,  while  the  other  scouts  the  plain,  if  haply  to  discover 
at  distance  from  the  flock,  some  carcase  half  devoured,  the 
refuse  of  gorged  wolves,  or  ominous  ravens  :  so  marched  this 
lovely  loving  pair  of  friends,  nor  with  less  fear  and  circum- 
spection ;  when  at  distance  they  might  perceive  two  shining 
suits  of  armour,  hanging  upon  an  oak,  and  the  owners  not  far 
off  in  a  profound  sleep.  The  two  friends  drew  lots,  and  the 
pursuing  of  this  adventure  fell  to  B — nil — y.  On  he  went, 
and  in  his  van  Confusion  and  Amaze,  while  Horror  and 
Affright  brought  up  the  rear.  As  he  came  near,  behold  two 
heroes  of  the  Ancients'  army,  Phalaris  and  JEsop,  lay  fast 
asleep.  B — ntl — y  would  fain  have  dispatched  them  both .; 
and  stealing  close,  aimed  his  flail  at  Phalaris's  breast.  But 
then  the  goddess  Affright  interposing,  caught  the  Modern  in 
her  icy  arms,  and  dragged  him  from  the  danger  she  foresaw ; 
for  both  the  dormant  heroes  happened  to  turn  at  the  same  in 


150  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

slant,  though  soundly  sleeping  and  busy  in  a  dream.*  Foi 
Phalaris  was  just  that  minute  dreaming,  how  a  most  vile 
poetaster  had  lampooned  him,  and  how  he  had  got  him  roar- 
ing in  his  bull.  And  ^Esop  dreamed,  that  as  he  and  the  Ancient 
chiefs  were  lying  on  the  ground,  a  wild  ass  broke  loose,  ran 
about  trampling  and  kicking,  and  dunging  in  their  faces. 
B — ntl — y  leaving  the  two  heroes  asleep,  seized  on  both  their 
armours,  and  withdrew  in  quest  of  his  darling  W — tt — n. 

He  in  the  mean  time  had  wandered  long  in  search  of  some 
enterprise,  till  at  length  he  arrived  at  a  small  rivulet  that  issued 
from  a  fountain  hard  by,  called  in  the  language  of  moital  men, 
Helicon.  Here  he  stooped,  and  parched  with  thirst,  resolved 
to  allay  it  in  this  limpid  stream.  Thrice  with  profane  hands 
he  essayed  to  raise  the  water  to  his  lips,  and  thrice  it  slipt  all 
through  his  fingers.  Then  he  stooped  prone  on  his  breast ; 
but  ere  his  mouth  had  kissed  the  liquid  crystal,  Apollo  came, 
and  in  the  channel  held  his  shield  betwixt  the  Modern  and  the 
fountain,  so  that  he  drew  up  nothing  but  mud.  For  although 
no  fountain  on  earth  can  compare  with  the  clearness  of  Heli- 
con, yet  there  lies  at  bottom  a  thick  sediment  of  slime  and  mud ; 
for  so  Apollo  begged  of  Jupiter,  as  a  punishment  to  those 
who  durst  attempt  to  taste  it  with  unhallowed  lips,  and  for  a 
lesson  to  all,  not  to  draw  too  deep,  or  far  from  the  spring. 

At  the  fountain  head,  W — tt — n  discerned  two  heroes.  The 
one  he  could  not  distinguish;  but  the  other  was  soon  known 
for  Temple,  general  of  the  allies  to  the  Ancients.  His  back 
was  turned,  and  he  was  employed  in  drinking  large  draughts 
in  his  helmet,  from  the-  fountain,  where  he  had  withdrawn 
himself  to  rest  from  the  toils  of  the  war.  W — tt — n,  observing 
him  with  quaking  knees  and  trembling  hands,  spoke  thus  to 
himself.  "  Oh,  that  I  could  kill  this  destroyer  of  our  army  ! 
What  renown  should  I  purchase  among  the  chiefs  1  But  to 
issue  out  against  him,  man  for  man,  shield  against  shield,  and 
lance  against  lance,f  what  Modern  of  us  dare?  For  he  fights 
like  a  god  ;  and  Pallas  or  Apollo  are  ever  at  his  elbow.  But, 
Oh,  mother !  if  what  fame  reports  be  true,  that  I  am  the  son 
of  so  great  a  goddess,  grant  me  to  hit  Temple  with  this  lance, 
that  the  stroke  may  send  him  to  hell,  and  that  I  may  return  in 
safety  and  triumph,  laden  with  his  spoils."  The  first  part  of 
his  prayer  the  gods  granted,  at  the  intercession  of  his  mother, 
and  of  Momus ;  but  the  rest,  by  a  perverse  wind,  sent  from 


*  This  is  according  to  Homer,  who  tells  the  dreams  of  those  who 
were  killed  in  their  sleep, 
[t  Vid.  Bomsr.l 


THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS.  151 

fate,  was  scattered  in  the  air.  Then  W — tt — n  grasped  his 
lance,  and  brandishing  it  thrice  over  his  head,  darted  it  with 
all  his  might ;  the  goddess,  his  mother,  at  the  same  time,  add- 
ing strength  to  his  arm.  Away  the  lance  went  hissing,  and 
reached  even  to  the  belt  of  the  averted  Ancient;  upon  which, 
Jghtly  grazing,  it  fell  to  the  ground.  Temple  neither  felt  the 
weapon  touch  him,  nor  heard  it  fall.  And  W — tt — n  might 
have  escaped  to  his  army,  with  the  honour  of  having  emitted 
nis  lance  against  so  great  a  leader,  unreyenged;  hut  Apollo, 
enraged,  that  a  javelin,  flung  by  the  assistance  of  so  foul  a 
goddess,  should  pollute  his  fountain,  put  on  the  shape  of——, 
and  softly  came  to  young  Boyle,  who  then  accompanied 
Temple.  He  pointed  first  to  the  lance,  then  to  the  distant 
Modern  that  flung  it,  and  commanded  the  young  hero  to  take 
immediate  revenge.  Boyle,  clad  in  a  suit  of  armour  which, 
had  been  given  him  by  all  the  gods,*  immediately  advanced 
against  the  trembling  foe,  who  now  fled  before  him.  As  a 
young  lion  in  the  Libyan  plains,  or  Arabian  Desert,  sent  by 
his  aged  sire  to  hunt  for  prey,  or  health,  or  exercise;  he  scours 
along,  wishing  to  meet  some  tiger  from  the  mountains,  or  a 
furious  boar;  if  chance  a  wild  ass,  with  brayings  importune, 
affronts  his  ear,  the  generous  beast,  though  loathing  to  disdain 
his  claws  with  blood  so  vile,  yet  much  provoked  at  the  offen- 
sive noise;  which  echo,  foolish  nymph,  like  her  ill  judging 
sex,  repeats  much  louder,  and  with  more  delight  than  Philo- 
mela's song;  he  vindicates  the  honour  of  the  forest,  and  hunts 
the  noisy  long-eared  animal:  so  W — tt — n  fled,  so  Boyle  pur- 
sued. But  W — tt — n  heavy  armed,  and  slow  of  foot,  began 
to  slack  his  course;  when  his  lover  B — ntl — y  appeared,  re- 
turning laden  with  the  spoils  of  the  two  sleeping  Ancients. 
Boyle  observed  him  well ;  and  soon  discovering  the  helmet 
and  shield  of  Phalaris,  his  friend,  both  which  he  had  lately 
with  his  own  hands  new  polished  and  gilded ;  rage  sparkled 
in  his  eyes;  and  leaving  his  pursuit  after  W — tt — n,  he  furi- 
ously rushed  on  against  this  new  approaches  Fain  would 
he  be  revenged  on  both  ;  hut  both  now  fled  different  ways.f 
And  as  a  woman  in  a  little  house,  that  gets  a  painful  livelihood 
by  spinning  ;J  if  chance  her  geese  be  scattered  over  the  com- 

-  *  Boyle  was  assisted  in  this  dispute  by  Dean  Aldrich,  Doctor  Atter- 
burry,  afterwards  bishop  of  Rochester,  and  other  persons  at  Oxford, 
celebrated  for  their  genius  and  learning  then  called  the  Christ  church 
wits. 

[1   Vid.  Homer.] 

\  This  is  also  after  the  manner  of  Homer  ;  the  woman's  getting  a 


152  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 

mon,  she  courses  round  the  plain  from  side  to  side,  compelling 
here  and  there  the  stragglers  to  the  flock ;  they  cackle  loud, 
and  flutter  o'er  the  campa:gn  :  so  Boyle  pursued,  so  fled  this 
pair  of  friends.  Finding  at  length  their  flight  was  vain,  they 
bravely  joined,  and  drew  themselves  in  phalanx.  First, 
B — ntl — y  threw  a  spear  with  all  his  force,  hoping  to  pierce 
the  enemy's  breast.  But  Pallas  came  unseen,  and  in  the  air 
took  off  the  point  and  clapped  on  one  of  lead,  which,  after  a 
dead  bang  against  the  enemy's  shield,  fell  blunted  to  the 
ground.  Then  Boyle,  observing  well  his  time,  took  a  lance, 
of  wondrous  length  and  sharpness;  and  as  this  pair  of  friends 
compacted  stood  close  side  by  side,  he  wheeled  him  to  right, 
and  with  unusual  force  darted  the  weapon.  B — ntl — y  saw 
his  fate  approach  ;  and  flanking  down  his  arms  close  to  his 
ribs,  hoping  to  save  his  body ;  in  went  the  point,  passing 
through  arm  and  side :  nor  stopt,  or  spent  itgjbrce,  till  it  had 
also  pierced  the  valiant  W — tt — n  ;  who,  going  to  sustain  his 
dying  friend,  shared  his  fate.  As  when  a  skilful  cook  has 
trussed  a  brace  of  woodcocks,  he,  with  iron  skewer,  pierces 
the  tender  sides  of  both,  their  legs  and  wings  close  pinioned  to 
their  ribs;  so  was  this  pair  of  friends  transfixed,  till  down  they 
fell,  joined  in  their  lives,  joined  in  their  deaths ;  so  closely 
joined,  that  Charon  would  mistake  them  both  for  one,  and 
waft  them  over  Styx  for  half  his  fare.  Farewell,  beloved,  lov- 
ing pair; ..few  equals  have  you  left  behind  :  and  happy  and 
immortal  shall  you  be,  if  all  my  wit  and  eloquence  can  make 
you  so. 

And  now,  *          *  Desunt  Ccetera. 

painful  livelihood  by  spinning,  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  similitude, 
nc  r  would  be  excusable  without  such  an  authority. 


END  OF  THE  BATTLE  OF  THE  BOOKS. 


A 
DISCOURSE 

CONCERNING    THE 

JHecijamcnl  ©pmttum  r»f  t\)t 
IN   A    LETTER    TO    A    FRIEND. 
A  FRAGMENT. 

For  T.  H*  Esq  ;  at   his   Chambers  in  the   Academy  of  the   Beau* 
Esprits  in  New- Holland. 

SIR, — It  is  now  a  good  while  since  I  have  had  in  my  head 
something,  not  only  very  material,  but  absolutely  necessary 
to  my  health,  that  the  world  should  be  informed  in.  For,  to 
tell  you  a  secret,  I  am  able  to  contain  it  no  longer.  However, 
I  have  been  perplexed  for  some  time,  to  resolve  what  would 
be  the  most  proper  form  to  send  it  abroad  in.  To  which  end, 
I  have  been  three  days  coursing  through  Westminster-hall, 
and  St.  Paul's  church-yard,  and  Fleet-street,  to  peruse  titles ; 
and  I  do  not  find  any  which  holds  so  general  a  vogue,  as  that 
of  A  letter  to  a  Friend.  Nothing  is  more  common  than  to 
meet  with  long  epistles  addressed  to  persons  and  places,  where, 
at  first  thinking,  one  would  be  apt  to  imagine  it  not  altogether 
so  necessary  or  convenient;  such  as,  a  neighbour  at  next 
door,  a  mortal  enemy,  a  perfect  stranger,  or  a  person  of  quality 
in  the  clouds ;  and  these  upon  subjects,  in  appearance,  the 
least  proper  for  conveyance  by  the  post;  as,  long  schemes  in 
philosophy,  dark  and  wonderful  mysteries  of  state,  laborious 
dissertations  in  criticism  and  philosophy,  advice  to  parliaments 
and  the  like. 

Now,  Sir,  to  proceed  after  the  method  in  present  wear: 
(for,  let  me  say  what  I  will  to  the  contrary,  I  am  afraid  you 

*  Supposed  to  be  Col.  Hunter,  author  of  the  Letter  of  Enthusiasm 
mentioned  in  the  Apology  for  the  Tale  of  a  Tub. 

This  discourse  is  not  altogether  equal  to  the  two  former,  the  best 
parts  of  it  being  omitted.  Whether  the  bookseller's  account  be  true, 
that  he  durst  not  print  the  rest,  I  know  not. :  nor  iiKleed  is  it  easy  to 
determine,  whether  he  may  be  relied  on  in  any  thing  lie  says  of  this, 
or  the  former  treatises,  only  as  to  the  time  they  were  written  in; 
which,  however,  appears  more  from  the  discourses  themselves  thaa 
his  relation. 

153 


154  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

will  publish  this  letter,  as  soon  as  ever  it  comes  to  your  hands  :) 
I  desire  you  will  be  my  witness  to  the  world,  how  careless 
and  sudden  a  scribble  it  has  been :  that  it  was  but  yesterday, 
when  you  and  I  began  accidentally  to  fall  into  discourse  on 
this  matter ;  that  I  was  not  very  well  when  we  parted  ;  that  the 
post  is  in  such  haste,  I  have  had  no  manner  of  time  to  digest 
it  into  order,  or  correct  the  style :  and  if  any  other  modern 
excuses,  for  haste  and  negligence,  shall  occur  to  you  in  read- 
ing, I  beg  you  to  insert  them,  faithfully  promising  they  shall 
be  thankfully  acknowledged. 

Pray,  Sir,  in  your  next  letter  10  the  Iroquois  virtuosi,  do  me 
the  favour  to  present  my  humble  service  to  that  illustrious 
body  ;  and  assure  them,  I  shall  send  an  account  of  those  pha> 
nomena,  as  soon  as  we  can  determine  them  at  Gresham. 

I  have  not  had  a  line  from  the  literati  of  Tobinambou  these 
three  last  ordinaries. 

And  now,  Sir,  having  dispatched  what  I  had  to  say  of  forms, 
or  of  business,  let  me  entreat,  you  will  suffer  me  to  proceed 
upon  my  subject ;  and  to  pardon  me  if  I  make  no  farther  use 
of  the  epistolary  style,  till  I  come  to  conclude. 


SECTION  I. 

IT  is  recorded  of  Mahomet,  that  upon  a  visit  he  was  gc.ng 
to  pay  in  Paradise,  he  had  an  offer  of  several  vehicles  to  con- 
duct him  upwards;  as,  fiery  chariots,  winged  horses,  and 
celestial  sedans  :  but  he  refused  them  all,  and  would  be  borne 
to  heaven  upon  nothing  but  his  ass.  Now,  this  inclination  of 
Mahomet,  as  singular  as  it  seems,  hath  been  since  taken  up 
by  a  great  number  of  devout  Christians;  and  doubtless  with 
good  reason.  For,  since  that  Arabian  is  known  to  have  bor- 
rowed a  moiety  of  his  religious  system  from  the  Christian  faith, 
it  is  but  just  he  should  pay  reprisals  to  such  as  would  chal- 
lenge them ;  wherein  the  good  people  of  England,  to  do  them 
all  right,  have  not  been  backward.  For  though  there  is  not 
any  other  nation  in  the  world  so  plentifully  provided  with 
carriages  for  that  journey,  either  as  to  safety  or  ease :  yet  there 
are  abundance  of  us,  who  will  not  be  satisfied  with  any  other 
machine,  besides  this  of  Mahomet. 

For  my  own  part,  I  must  confess  to  bear  a  very  singulai 
respect  to  this  animal,  by  whom  I  take  human  na{ure  to  be 
most  admirably  held  forth  in  all  its  qualities  as  well  as  opera- 
tions :  and  therefore,  whatever  in  my  small  reading  occurs 


OPERATION  OF  THE   SPIRIT.  155 

concerning  this  our  fellow-creature,  I  do  never  iail  to  set  it 
down,  by  way  of  common  place ;  and  when  I  have  occasion 
to  write  upon  human  reason,  politics,  eloquence,  or  know- 
ledge, I  lay  my  memorandums  before  me,  and  insert  them 
with  a  wonderful  facility  of  application.  However,  among 
all  the  qualifications  ascribed  to  this  dis..nguished  brute,  by 
ancient  or  modern  authors,  I  cannot  remember  this  talent  of 
bearing  his  rider  to  heaven,  has  been  recorded  for  a  part  of  his 
character,  except  in  the  two  examples  mentioned  already; 
therefore  I  conceive  the  methods  of  this  art  to  be  a  point  of 
useful  knowledge  in  very  few  hands,  and  which  the  learned 
world  would  gladly  be  better  informed  in  :  this  is  what  I  have 
undertaken  to  perform  in  the  following  discourse.  For  to- 
wards the  operations,  already  mentioned,  many  peculiar  pro- 
perties are  required,  both  in  the  rider  and  the  ass  ;  which  I 
shall  endeavour  to  set  in  as  clear  a  light  as  I  can. 

But,  because  I  am  resolved,  by  all  means  to  avoid  giving 
offence  to  any  party  whatever,  1  will  leave  off  discoursing  so 
closely  to  the  letter  as  I  have  hitherto  done,  and  go  on  for  the 
future  by  way  of  allegory,  though  in  such  a  manner,  that 
the  judicious  reader  may,  without  much  straining,  make  his 
applications  as  often  as  he  shall  think  fit.  Therefore,  if  you 
please,  I'rom  hence  forward,  instead  of  the  term  ass,  we  shall 
make  use  of  gifted  or  enlightened  teacher;  and  the  word  rider, 
we  will  exchange  for  that  of  fanatic  auditory,  or  any  other 
denomination  of  the  like  import.  Having  settled  this  weighty 
point,  the  great  subject  of  inquiry  before  us  is,  to  examine, 
by  what  methods  this  teacher  arrives  at  his  gifts,  or  spirit,  or 
light;  and  by  what  intercourse  between  him  and  his  assembly 
it  is  cultivated  and  supported. 

In  all  my  writings,  I  have  had  constant  regard  to  this  great 
end,  not  to  suit  and  apply  them  to  particular  occasions  and 
circumstances  of  time,  of  place,  or  of  person  ;  but  to  calculate 
them  for  universal  nature,  and  mankind  in  general.  And  of 
such  catholic  use  I  esteem  this  present  disquisition :  for  I  do 
not  remember  any  other  temper  of  body,  or  quality  of  mind, 
wherein  all  nations  and  ages  of  the  world  have  so  unanimously 
agreed,  as  that  of  a  fanatic  strain,  or  tincture  of  enthusiasm  ; 
which,  improved  by  certain  persons  or  societies  of  men,  and 
by  them  practised  upon  the  rest,  has  been  able  to  produce 
revolutions  of  the  greatest  figure  in  history ;  as  will  soon  ap- 
pear to  those  who  know  any  thing  of  Arabia,  Persia,  India, 
or  China,  of  Morocco  and  Peru.  Farther,  it  has  possessed  as 
great  a  power  in  the  kingdom  of  knowledge,  where  it  is  hard 
lo  assign  one  art  or  science,  which  has  not  annexed  to  it  some 


150 


ON  THE   MECHANICAL 


fanatic  branch  :  Such  are  the  philosopner's  stone,  the  grand 
elixir,*  the  planetary  worlds,  the  squaring  of  the  circle,  the 
summit  in  bonum,  Utopian  commonwealths,  with  some  others 
of.less  or  subordinate  note ;  which  all  serve  for  nothing  else, 
but  to  employ  or  amuse  this  grain  of  enthusiasm,  dealt  into 
every  composition. 

But  if  this  plant  has  found  a  root  in  the  fields  of  empire 
and  of  knowledge,  it  has  fixed  deeper,  and  spread  yet  farther 
upon  holy  ground:  wherein,  though  it  hath  passed  under  the 
general  name  of  enthusiasm,  and  perhaps  arisen  from  the  same 
original ;  yet  hath  it  produced  certain  branches  of  a  very  differ- 
ent nature,  however  often  mistaken  for  each  other.  The 
word,  in  its  universal  acceptation,  may  be  defined,  a  lilting  up 
of  the  soul,  or  its  faculties,  above  matter.  This  description 
will  hold  good  in  general:  but  I  am  only  to  understand  it  as 
applied  to  religion ;  wherein  there  are  three  general  ways  of 
ejaculating  the  soul,  or  transporting  it  beyond  the  sphere  of 
matter.  The  first  is,  the  immediate  act  of  God,  and  is  called 
prophecy  or  inspiration.  The  second  is,  the  immediate  act 
of  the  devil,  and  is  termed  possession.  The  third  is,  the  pro- 
duct of  natural  causes  ;  the  effect  of  strong  imagination,  spleen, 
violent  anger,  fear,  grief,  pain,  and  the  like.  These  three  have 
been  abundantly  treated  on  by  authors,  and  therefore  shall  not 
employ  my  inquiry.  But  the  fourth  method  of  religious  en- 
thusiasm, or  launching  out  of  the  soul,  as  it  is  purely  an  effect 
of  artifice  and  mechanic  operation,  has  been  sparingly  handled, 
or  not  at  all,  by  any  writer;  because,  though  it  is  an  art  of 
great  antiquity,  yet,  having  been  confined  to  few  persons,  it 
long  wanted  those  advancements  and  refinements  which  it 
afterwards  met  with,  since  it  has  grown  so  epidemic,  and  fal- 
len into  so  many  cultivating  hands. 

It  is  therefore  upon  this  Mechanical  Operation  of  the  Spirit 
that  I  mean  to  treat,  as  it  is  at  present  performed  by  our  British 
workmen.  I  shall  deliver  to  the  reader  the  result  of  many 
judicious  observations  upon  the  matter;  tracing,  as  near  as  I 
can,  the  whole  course  and  method  of  this  trade;  producing 

Earallel  instances,  and  relating  certain  discoveries  that  have 
ickily  fallen  in  my  way. 

I  have  said  that  there  is  one  branch  of  religious  enthusiasm, 
which  is  purely  an  effect  of  nature;  whereas  the  part  I  mean 
to  handle,  is  wholly  an  effect  of  art;  which,  however,  is  inclined 
to  work  upon  certain  natures  and  constitutions,  more  than 
jthers.  Besides,  there  is  many  an  operation,  which,  in  ita 

*  Some  writers  hold  them  for  the  same,  others  not 


OPERATION-  OF  THE  SPIEIT.  157 


original,  was  pure!  van  anificp;  but,  through  a  long  successioa 
of  ages,  hath  gro;vn  to  be  natural.  Hippocrates  tells  us,  thai 
among  our  ancestors  the  Scythians,  there  was  a  nation  called 
Longheads,*  which  at  first  began  by  a  custom,  among  ruid  wives 
and  nurses,  of  moulding,  and  squeezing,  and  bracing  up  the 
heads  of  infanta;  by  which  means,  nature,  shut  out  atone 
passage,  was  forced  to  seek  another,  and  finding  room  above, 
shot  upwards,  in  the  form  of  a  sugar  loaf;  and  being  diverted 
that  way,  for  some  generations,  at  last  found  it  out  of  herself, 
needing  no  assistance  from  the  nurse's  hand.  This  was  the 
original  of  the  Scythian  Longheads;  and  thus  did  custom, 
from  being  a  second  nature,  proceed  to  be  a  first  To  all 
which  there  is  something  very  analogous  among  us  of  this 
nation,  who  are  the  undoubted  posteriiy  of  that  refined  people. 
For,  in  the  age  of  our  fathers,  there  rose  a  generation  of  men 
in  this  island,  called  Roundheads.f  whose  race  is  now  spread 
over  three  kingdoms;  yet,  in  its  beginning,  was  merely  aa 
operation  of  art,  produced  by  a  pair  of  scissors,  a  squeeze  oi 
the  face,  and  a  black  cap.  These  heads,  thus  formed  into  a 
perfect  sphere  in  all  assemblies,  were  most  exposed  to  the  view 
of  the  female  sex  :  which  did  influence  their  conceptions  so 
effectually,  that  nature,  at  last,  took  the  hint,  and  did  it  of  her- 
self; so  that  a  roundhead  has  been  ever  since  as  familar  a  sight 
among  us  as  a  longhead  among  the  Scythians. 

Upon  these  examples,  and  others  easy  to  produce,  I  desire 
the  curious  reader  to  distinguish,  first,  between  an  effect  grown 
from  art  into  nature,  and  one  that  is  natural  from  its  beginning; 
secondly,  between  an  effect  wholly  natural,  and  one  which  has 
only  a  natural  foundation,  but  where  the  superstructure  is  en- 
tirely artificial.  For  the  first  and  the  last  of  these,  I  understand 
to  come  within  the  districts  of  my  subject;  and,  having  obtain- 
ed these  allowances,  they  will  serve  to  remove  any  objections 
that  may  be  raised  hereafter  against  what  I  shall  advance. 

The  practitioners  of  this  famous  art  proceed  in  general,  upon 
the  following  fundamental,  that  the  corruption  of  the  senses  in 
the  generation  of  the  spirit  :  because  the  senses  in  men  are  so 
many  avenues  to  the  fort  of  reason,  which  in  this  operation  i» 
wholly  blocked  up.  All  endeavours  must  be  therefore  used, 

*  Macrocephali. 

t  The  fanatics,  in  the  time  of  Charles  I.  ignorantly  applying  the 
text,  "Ye  know  that  it  is  a  shame  for  men  to  have  long  hair,  cat  ihein 
very  short.  It  is  said,  that  the  queen  once  seeling  Pyra,  a  celebrated 
patriot,  thus  cropped,  enquired  who  that  roundheaded  man  was,  and 
that  from  this  incident,  the  distinction  became  general,  and  the  put? 
were  called  roundheads. 

O 


158  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

either  to  divert,  bind  up,  stupify ,  flutter,  and  amuse  the  senses, 
or  else  to  jostle  them  out  of  their  stations,  and  while  they  ar« 
either  absent,  or  otherwise  employed,  or  engaged  in  a  civil  war 
against  each  other,  the  spirit  enters,  and  performs  its  part. 

Now,  the  usual  methods  of  manging  the  senses  upon  such 
conjunctures,  are  what  I  shall  be  very  particular  iu  delivering, 
as  far  as  it  is  lawful  for  me  to  do;  but  having  had  the  honour 
to  be  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of  every  society,  I  desire  to 
be  excused  from  divulging  any  rites,  wherein  the  profane  must 
have  no  part. 

But  here,  before  I  can  proceed  farther,  a  very  dangerous 
objection  must,  if  possible,  be  removed.  For  it  is  positively 
denied  by  certain  critics,  that  the  spirit  can  by  any  means  be 
introduced  into  an  assembly  of  modern  saints :  the  disparity 
being  so  great,  in  many  material  circumstances,  between  the 
primitive  way  of  inspiration,  and  that  which  is  practised  in 
the  present  age.  This  they  pretend  to  prave  from  the  second 
chapter  of  the  Acts,  where,  comparing  both,  it  appears,  first, 
that  the  apostles  were  gathered  together  with  one  accord  in 
one  place,  by  which  is  meant,  an  universal  agreement  in  opi- 
nion, and  form  of  worship;  a  harmony  (say  they)  so  far  from 
being  found  between  any  two  conventicles  among  us,  that  it  is 
in  vain  to  expect  it  between  any  two  heads  in  the  same. 
Secondly,  the  spirit  instructed  the  apostles  in  the  gift  of  speak- 
ing several  languages ;  a  knowledge  so  remote  from  our  dealers 
in  this  art,  that  they  neither  understand  propriety  of  words,  or 
phrases  in  their  own.  Lastly,  (say  these  objectors,)  the  modern 
artists  do  utterly  exclude  all  approaches  of  the  spirit,  and  bar 
up  its  ancient  way  of  entering,  by  covering  themselves  so  close, 
and  so  industriously  a-top.  For  they  will  needs  have  it  as  a 
point  clearly  gained,  that  the  cloven  tongues  never  sat  upon 
the  apostles  heads,  while  their  hats  were  on. 

Now,  the  force  of  these  objections  seems  to  consist  in  the 
different  acceptation  of  the  word  spirit ;  which  if  it  be  understood 
for  a  supernatural  assistance,  approaching  from  without,  the 
objectors  have  reason,  and  their  assertions  may  be  allowed :  but 
the  spirit  we  treat  of  here,  proceeding  entirely  from  within,  the 
argument  of  these  adversaries  is  wholly  eluded.  And,  upon 
the  same  account,  our  modern  artificers  find  it  an  expedient  of 
absolute  necessity,  to  cover  their  heads  as  close  as  they  can,  in 
order  to  prevent  perspiration  ;  than  which  nothing  is  observed 
to  be  a  greater  spender  of  mechanic  light,  as  we  may  perhaps 
farther  show  in  a  convenient  place. 

To  proceed  therefore  upon  the  phaenomenon  of  spiritual 
mechanism,  it  is  here  to  be  noted,  that  in  forming  uu 


OPERATION  OF  THE   SPIRIT.  159 

op  the  spirit,  the  assembly  has  a  considerable  share,  as  well  as 
the  preacher.  The  method  of  this  arcanum  is  as  follows.  They 
violently  strain  their  eye  balls  inward,  half  closing  the  lids; 
then,  as  they  sit,  they  are  in  a  perpetual  motion  of  see-saw, 
making  long  hums  at  proper  periods,  and  continuing  the  sound 
at  equal  height ;  choosing  their  time  in  those  intermissions, 
while  the  preacher  is  at  ebb.  Neither  is  this  practice  in  any 
part  of  it  so  singular  or  improbable,  as  not  to  be  traced  in 
distant  regions,  from  reading  and  observation.  For  first,  the 
Jauguis,*  or  enlightened  saints  of  India,  see  all  their  visions 
by  help  of  an  acquired  straining  and  pressure  of  the  eyes. 
Secondly,  the  art  of  see-saw  on  a  beam,  and  swinging'  by 
session  upon  a  cord,  in  order  to  raise  artificial  extacies,  hath 
been  derived  to  us  from  our  Scythian  ancestors,!  where  it  is 
practised  at  this  day  among  the  women.  Lastly,  the  whole 
proceeding,  as  I  have  here  related  it,  is  performed  by  the  natives 
of  Ireland,  with  a  considerable  improvement ;  and  it  is  granted, 
that  this  noble  nation  hath  of  all  others  admitted  fewer  corrup 
tions,  and  degenerated  least  from  the  purity  of  the  old  Tartars 
Now,  it  is  usual  for  a  knot  of  Irish,  men  and  women,  to 
abstract  themselves  from  matter,  bind  up  all  their  senses,  grow 
visionary  and  spiritual,  by  influence  of  a  short  pipe  of  tobacco, 
handed  round  the  company;  each  preserving  the  smoke  in  his 
mouth,  till  it  comes  again  to  his  turn  to  take  in  fresh.  At  the 
same  time,  there  is  a  concert  of  a  continued  gentle  hum,  repeated 
and  renewed  by  instinct,  as  occasion  requires;  and  they  move 
their  bodies  up  and  down,  to  a  degree,  that  sometimes  their  heads 
and  points  lie  parallel  to  the  horizon.  Mean  while,  you  may 
observe  their  eyes  turned  up  in  the  posture  of  one  who  endeav 
ours  to  keep  himself  awake;  by  which,  and  many  othei 
symptoms  among  them,  it  manifestly  appears,  that  the  reason- 
ing faculties  are  all  suspended  and  superseded  ;  that  imagina- 
tion hath  usurped  the  seat,  scattering  a  thousand  deliriums 
over  the  brain.  Returning  from  this  digression,  I  shall  de- 
scribe the  methods  by  which  the  spirit  approaches.  The  eyes 
being  dispos«d  according  to  art,  at  first  you  can  see  nothing; 
but,  after  a  short  pause,  a  small  glimmering  light  begins  to 
appear,  and  dance  before  you.  Then,  by  frequently  moving 
your  body  up  and  down,  you  perceive  the  vapours  to  ascend 
very  fast,  till  you  are  perfectly  dosed,  and  fluttered  like  one 
who  drinks  too  much  in  a  morning.  Mean  while  the  preacher 
is  also  at  work :  he  begins  a  loud  hum,  which  pierces  you  quite 
through ;  this  immediately  returned  by  the  audience ;  and  you 

[*  Sarnier.  mem.  de  Mogul.}  [t  Guagnini.  tot,  Sarmat-i 


160  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

find  yourself  prompted  to  imitate  them,  by  a  mere  spontaneous 
impulse,  without  knowing  what  you  do.  The  interstitia  are 
duly  filled  up  by  the  preacher,  to  prevent  too  long  a  pause, 
under  which  the  spirit  would  soon  faint  and  grow  languid. 

This  is  all  I  am  allowed  to  discover  about  the  progress  of 
the  spirit,  with  relation  to  that  part  which  is  borne  by  the  as- 
sembly ;  but  in  the  methods  of  the  preacher,  to  which  I  now 
proceed,  I  shall  be  more  large  and  particular. 


SECTION.  II. 

You  will  read  it  very  gravely  remarked  in  the  books  of  those 
illustrious  and  right  eloquent  penmen,  the  modern  travellers, 
that  the  fundamental  difference  in  point  of  religion  between  the 
wild  Indians  and  us,  lies  in  this ;  that  we  worship  God,  and 
they  worship  the  devil.  But  there  are  certain  critics,  who  will 
by  no  means  admit  of  this  distinction  :  rather  believing,  that 
all  nations  whatsoever  adore  the  true  God,  because  they  seem 
to  intend  their  devotions  for  some  invisible  power,  of  greatest 
goodness,  and  ability  to  help  them  ;  which  perhaps  will  take 
in  the  brightest  attributes  ascribed  to  the  Divinity.  Others 
again  inform  us,  that  those  idolaters  adore  two  principles : 
the  principle  of  good,  and  that  of  evil ;  which  indeed  I  am 
apt  to  look  upon  as  the  most  universal  notion  that  man- 
kind, by  the  mere  light  of  nature,  ever  entertained  of  things 
visible.  How  this  idea  hath  been  managed  by  the  Indians 
and  us,  and  with  what  advantage  to  the  understandings  of 
either,  may  well  deserved  to  be  examined.  To  me  the  differ- 
ence appears  little  more  than  this,  that  they  are  put  oftener 
upon  their  knees  b/  their  fears,  and  we  by  our  desires:  that 
the  former  set  them  a  praying,  and  us  a  cursing.  What  I 
applaud  them  for,  is  their  discretion,  in  limiting  their  devotions 
and  their  deities  to  their  several  districts ;  nor  ever  suffering 
the  liturgy  of  the  white  god,  to  cross  or  interfere  with  that  of 
the  black.  Not  so  with  us;  who,  pretending,  by  the  lines  and 
measures  of  our  reason,  to  extend  the  dominion  of  one  invisi- 
ble power,  and  contract  that  of  the  other,  have  discovered  a 
gross  ignorance  in  the  natures  of  good  and  evil,  and  most 
horribly  confounded  the  frontiers  of  both.  After  men  have 
lifted  up  the  throne  of  their  divinity  to  the  ecelum  empyrcEum, 
adorned  with  all  such  qualities  and  accomplishments  as  them 
selves  seem  most  to  value  and  possess ;  after  they  have  sunk 
their  principle  of  evil  to  the  lowest  centre,  bound  him  with 
chains,  loaded  him  with  curses,  furnished  him  with  viler  dis- 


OPERATION  OF  THE  SPIRIT.  161 

positions  than  any  rake-hell  of  the  town,  accoutred  him  with 
tail,  and  horns,  and  huge  claws,  and  saucer  eyes ;  I  laugh 
aloud  to  see  these  reasoners  at  the  same  time  engaged  in  wise 
disputes  about  certain  walks  and  purlieus,  whether  they  are 
in  the  verge  of  God  or  the  devil;  seriously  debating,  whether 
such  and  such  influences  come  into  men's  minds  from  above 
or  below,  whether  certain  passions  and  affections  are  guided 
by  the  evil  spirit  or  the  good  : 

Dum  fas  atque  nefas  exiguo  fine  libidinum 
Discernunt  avidi. 

Thus  do  men  establish  a  fellowship  of  Christ  with  Belial,  and 
such  is  the  analogy  they  make  between  cloven  tongues  and 
cloven  feet.  Of  the  like  nature  is  the  disquisition  before  us. 
It  hath  continued  these  hundred  years  an  even  debate,  whether 
the  deportment  and  the  cant  of  our  English  enthusiastic  preach- 
ers were  possession  or  inspiration  ;  and  a  world  of  argument 
has  been  drained  on  either  side,  perhaps  to  little  purpose.  For 
I  think  it  is  in  life  as  in  tragedy,  where  it  is  held  a  conviction 
of  great  defect,  both  in  order  and  invention,  to  interpose  the 
assistance  of  preternatural  power,  without  an  absolute  and  last 
necessity.  However,  it  is  a  sketch  of  human  vanity  for  every 
individual,  to  imagine  the  whole  universe  is  interested  in  his 
meanest  concern.  If  he  hath  got  cleanly  over  a  kennel,  some 
angel  unseen  descended  on  purpose  to  help  him  by  the  hand, 
if  he  hath  knocked  his  head  against  a  post,  it  was  the  devil, 
for  his  sins,  let  loose  from  hell  on  purpose  to  buffet  him.  Who, 
that  sees  a  little  paltry  mortaj^  droning,  and  dreaming,  and 
drivelling  to  a  multitude,  can  think  it  agreeable  to  common 
good  sense,  that  either  heaven  or  hell  should  be  pui  to  the 
trouble  of  influence  or  inspection  upon  what  he  is  about? 
Therefore  I  am  resolved  immediately  to  weed  this  error  out  of 
mankind,  by  making  it  clear,  that  this  mystery,  of  vending 
spiritual  gifts,  is  nothing  but  a  trade,  acquired  by  as  much 
instruction,  and  mastered  by  equal  practice  and  application, 
as  others  are.  This  will  best  appear  by  describing  and  deduc- 
ing the  whole  process  of  the  operation,  as  variously  as  it  hath 
fallen  under  my  knowledge  or  experience. 
*  *  *  *  *  *  #  #  #  *  # 

*  *  Here  the  whole  scheme  of  spiritual  me- 

*  *  chanism  was  deduced  and  explained,  with  an 

*  *  appearance  of  great  reading  and  observation; 

*  *  but  it  was  thought  neither  safe  nor  convenient 

*  *  to  print  it. 

Here  it  may  not  be  amiss  to  add  a  few  words  upon  the 
o2 


162  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

laudable  practice  of  wearing  quilted  caps ;  which  is  not  a 
matter  of  mere  custom,  humour,  or  fashion,  as  some  would 
pretend,  but  an  institution  of  great  sagacity  and  use.  These, 
when  moistened  with  sweat,  stop  all  perspiration  ;  and,  by 
reverberating  the  heat,  prevent  the  spirit  from  evaporating 
any  way,  but  at  the  mouth;  even  as  a  skilful  housewife 
that  covers  her  still  with  a  wet  clout  for  the  same  reason, 
and  finds  the  same  effect.  For  it  is  the  opinion  of  choice 
virtuosi,  that  the  brain  is  only  a  crowd  of  little  animals,  but 
with  teeth  and  claws  extremely  sharp,  and  therefore  cling 
together  in  the  contexture  we  behold,  like  the  picture  of 
Hobbes'  Leviathan,  or  like  bees  in  perpendicular  swarm 
upon  a  tree,  or  like  a  carrion  corrupted  into  vermin,  still 
preserving  the  shape  and  figure  of  the  mother  animal :  That 
all  invention  is  formed  by  the  morsure  of  two  or  more  of 
these  animals,  upon  certain  capillary  nerves,  which  proceed 
from  thence ;  whereof  three  branches  spread  into  the  tongue, 
and  two  into  the  right  hand.  They  hold  also,  that  these 
animals  are  of  a  constitution  extremely  cold ;  that  their  food 
is  the  air  we  attract,  the  excrement  phlegm;  and  that  what 
we  vulgarly  call  rheums,  and  colds,  and  distillations,  is  noth- 
ing else  but  an  epidemical  looseness,  to  which  that  little  com- 
monwealth is  very  subject,  from  the  climate  it  lies  under : 
Farther,  that  nothing  less  than  a  violent  heat  can  desentangle 
th^se  creatures  from  their  hamated  station  of  life,  or  give  them 
v;iiour  and  humour  to  imprint  the  marks  of  their  little  teeth  : 
That  if  the  morsure  be  hexagonal,  it  produced  poetry  ;  the  cir- 
cular gives  eloquence  ;  if  the  bite  hath  been  conical,  the  person, 
whose  nerve  is  so  affected,  shall  be  disposed  to  write  upon  the 
politics  ;  and  so  of  the  rest. 

I  shall  now  discourse  briefly,  by  what  kind  of  practices  the 
voice  is  best  governed,  towards  the  composition  and  improve- 
ment of  the  spirit ;  for  wit.iout  a  competent  skill  in  tuning  and 
toning  each  word,  and  syllable,  and  letter,  to  their  due  cadence, 
the  whole  operation  is  incomplete,  misses  entirely  of  its  effect 
on  the  hearers,  and  puts  the  workman  himself  to  continual 
pains  for  new  supplies,  without  success.  For  it  is  to  be  un- 
derstood, that,  in  the  language  of  the  spirit,  cant  and  droning 
supply  the  place  of  sense  and  reason,  in  the  language  of  men  ; 
because,  in  spiritual  harangues,  the  disposition  of  the  words, 
according  to  the  art  of  grammar,  hath  not  the  least  use,  but 
the  skill  and  influence  wholly  lie  in  the  choice  and  cadence 
of  the  syllables ;  even  as  a  discreet  composer,  who,  in  setting 
a  song,  changes  the  words  and  order  so  often,  that  he  is  forced 
to  make  it  nonsense,  before  he  can  make  it  music.  For  this 


OIERATION  OF  THE   SPIRIT.  163 

reason  it  hath  been  held  by  some,  that  the  art  of  canting  ia 
ever  in  greatest  perfection  when  managed  by  ignorance ;  which 
is  thought  to  be  enigmatically  meant  by  Plutarch,  when  he 
tells  us,  that  the  best  musical  instruments  were  made  from  the 
bones  of  an  ass.  And  the  profounder  critics  upon  that  passage 
are  of  opinion,  the  word,  in  its  genuine  signification,  means 
no  other  than  a  jaw-bone  ;  though  some  rather  think  it  to  have 
been  the  os  sacrum.  But  in  so  nice  a  case  I  shall  not  take  upon 
me  to  decide ;  the  curious  are  at  liberty  to  pick  from  it  what- 
ever they  please. 

The  first  ingredient  towards  the  art  of  canting,  is  a  compe- 
tent share  of  inward  light;  that  is  to  say,  a  large  memory, 
plentifully  fraught  with  theological  pollysyllables,  and  myste- 
rious texts  from  holy  writ,  applied  and  digested  by  those  me- 
thods and  mechanical  operations  already  related ;  the  bearers 
of  this  light  resembling  lanthorns,  compact  of  leaves  from  old 
Geneva  Bibles;  which  invention,  Sir  Humphry  Edw-n,  dur- 
ing his  mayoralty,  of  happy  memory,  highly  approved  and 
advanced  ;  affirming  the  Scripture  to  be  now  fulfilled,  where 
it  says,  "Thy  word  is  a  lanthorn  to  my  feet,  and  a  light  to  my 
paths." 

Now,  the  art  of  canting  consists  in  skilfully  adapting  the  voice 
to  whatever  words  the  spirit  delivers,  that  each  may  strike  the 
ears  of  the  audience  with  its  most  significant  cadence.  The 
force  or  energy  of  this  eloquence  is  not  to  be  found,  as  among 
ancient  orators,  in  the  disposition  of  words  to  a  sentence,  or 
the  turning  of  long  periods ;  but,  agreeably  to  the  modern  re- 
finements in  music,  is  taken  up  wholly  in  dwelling  and  dilat- 
ing upon  syllables  and  letters.  Thus  it  is  frequent  for  a  single 
vowel  to  draw  sighs  from  a  multitude ;  and  for  a  whole  as- 
sembly of  saints,  to  sob  to  the  music  of  one  solitary  liquid.  But 
these  are  trifles,  when  even  sounds  inarticulate  are  observed 
to  produce  as  forcible  effects.  A  master  workman  shall  blow 
his  nose  so  powerfully,  as  to  pierce  the  hearts  of  his  people, 
who  are  disposed  to  receive  the  excrements  of  his  brain,  with 
the  same  reverence  as  the  issue  of  it.  Hawking,  spitting,  and 
belching,  the  defects  of  other  men's  rhetoric,  are  the  flowers, 
and  figures,  and  ornaments  of  his.  For  the  spirit  being  the 
same  in  all,  it  is  of  no  import  through  what  vehicle  it  is  con- 
veyed. 

It  is  a  point  of  too  much  difficulty,  to  draw  the  principles 
of  this  famous  art  within  the  compass  of  certain  adequate  rules. 
However,  perhaps  I  may  one  day  oblige  the  world  with  my 
critical  essay  upon  the  art  of  canting,  philosophically,  physic- 
ally, and  musically  considered.  But  among  all  improvements 


104  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

of  the  spirit  wherein  the  voice  hath  borne  a  part,  there  is  none 
to  be  compared  with  that  of  conveying  the  sound  through  the 
nose,  which,  under  the  denomination  of  snuffling,*  hath  passed 
with  so  greac  an  applause  in  the  world.  The  originals  of  this 
institution  are  very  dark;  but  having  been  initiated  into  the 
mystery  of  it,  and  leave  being  given  me  to  publish  it  to  the 
world,  I  shall  deliver  as  direct  a  relation  as  I  can. 

This  art,  like  many  other  famous  inventions,  owed  its  birth, 
or  at  least  improvement  or  perfection,  to  an  effect  of  chance; 
but  was  established  upon  solid  reasons,  and  has  flourished  in 
this  island  ever  since,  with  great  lustre.  All  agree,  that  it 
first  appeared  upon  the  decay  and  discouragement  of  bagpipes ; 
which,  having  long  suffered  under  the  mortal  hatred  of  the 
brethren,  tottered  for  a  time,  and  at  last  fell  with  monarchy. 
The  story  is  thus  related. 

As  yet  snuffling  was  not;  when  the  following  adventure 
happened  to  a  Banbury  Saint.  Upon  a  certain  day,  while  he 
was  far  engaged  among  the  tabernacles  of  the  wicked,  he  felt  the 
outward  man  put  into  odd  commotions,  and  strangely  pricked 
forward  by  the  inward  :  an  effect  very  usual  among  the  mod- 
ern inspired.  For  some  think,  that  the  spirit  is  apt  to  feed 
on  the  flesh,  like  hungry  wines  upon  raw  beef.  Others  rather 
believe,  there  is  a  perpetual  game  at  leap-frog  between  both; 
and  sometimes  the  flesh  is  uppermost,  and  sometimes  the 
spirit :  adding,  that  the  former,  while  it  is  in  the  state  of  a 
rider,  wears  huge  Rippon  spurs,  and  when  it  comes  to  the 
turn  of  being  bearer,  is  wonderfully  headstrong  and  hard- 
mouthed.  However  it  came  about,  the  saint  felt  his  vessel 
full  extended  in  every  part,  (a  very  natural  effect  of  strong 
inspiration  ;)  and  the  place  and  time  falling  out  so  unluckily, 
that  he  could  not  have  the  convenience  of  evacuating  upwards, 
by  repetition,  prayer,  or  lecture,  he  was  forced  to  open  an  in- 
ferior vent.  In  short,  he  wrestled  with  the  flesh  so  long,  that  he 
at  length  subdued  it,  coming  off  with  honourable  wounds  all 
before.  The  surgeon  had  now  cured  the  parts  primarily 
affected ;  but  the  disease,  driven  from  its  post,  flew  up  into 
his  head  :  and  as  a  skilful  general,  valiantly  attacked  in  his 
trenches,  and  beaten  from  the  field,  by  flying  marches  with- 
draws to  the  capital  city,  breaking  down  the  bridges  to  prevent 
pursuit;  so  the  disease,  repelled  from  its  first  station,  fled  be- 
fore the  rod  of  Hermes,  to  the  upper  region,  there  fortifying 

*  The  snuffling  of  men,  who  have  lost  their  noses  by  lewd  coir  ics, 
is  said  to  have  given  rise  to  that  tone,  which  our  dissenter?  did  ««o 
much  affect. — W.  Wotton. 


OPERATION  OF  THE   SPIRIT.  165 

itself;  but,  finding  the  foe  making  attacks  at  the  nose,  broke 
down  the  bridge,  and  retired  to  the  head  quarters.  Now,  the 
naturalists  observe,  that  there  is  in  human  noses  an  idiosyn- 
cracy,  by  virtue  of  which,  the  more  the  passage  is  obstructed, 
the  more  our  speech  delights  to  go  through,  as  the  music  of  a 
flagelet  is  made  by  the  stops.  By  this  method,  the  twang  of 
the  nose  becomes  perfectly  to  resemble  the  snuffle  of  a  bagpipe, 
and  is  found  to  be  equally  attractive  of  British  ears;  whereof 
the  saint  had  sudden  experience,  by  practising  his  new  faculty 
with  wonderful  success  in  the  operation  of  the  spirit :  for,  in 
a  short  time,  no  doctrine  passed  for  sound  orthodox,  unless  it 
were  delivered  through  the  nose.  Strait,  every  pastor  copied 
after  this  original;  and  those  who  could  not  otherwise  arrive 
to  a  perfection,  spirited  by  a  noble  zeal,  made  use  of  the  same 
experiment  to  acquire  it.  So  that  1  think  it  may  be  truly 
affirmed,  the  saints  owe  their  empire  to  the  snuffling  of  one 
animal,  as  Darius  did  his  to  the  neighing  of  another  ;  and  both 
stratagems  were  performed  by  the  same  art;  for  we  read,  how 
the  Persian  beast  acquired  his  faculty  by  covering  a  mare  the 
day  before.* 

I  should  now  have  done,  if  I  were  not  convinced,  that  what- 
ever I  have  yet  advanced  upon  this  subject,  is  liable  to  great 
exception.  For,  allowing  all  I  have  said  to  be  true,  it  may  still 
be  justly  objected,  That  there  is  in  the  commonwealth  of  artifi- 
cial enthusiasm  some  real  foundation  for  art  to  work  upon,  in 
the  temper  and  complexion  of  individuals,  which  other  mortals 
seem  to  want.  Observe  hut  the  gesture,  the  motion,  and  the 
countenance  of  some  choice  professors,  though  in  their  most 
familiar  actions,  you  will  find  them  of  a  different  race  from  the 
rest  of  human  creatures.  Remark  your  commonest  pretender  to 
a  light  within,  how  dark,  and  dirty,  and  gloomy  he  is  without : 
as  Janthorns,  which,  the  more  light  they  bear  in  their  bodies, 
cast  out  so  much  the  more  soot,  and  smoke,  and  fuliginous 
matter  to  adhere  to  the  sides.  Listen  but  to  their  ordinary  talk, 
and  look  on  the  mouth  that  delivers  it;  you  will  imagine  you 
are  hearing  some  ancient  oracle,  and  your  understanding  will 
be  equally  informed.  Upon  these  and  the  like  reasons,  certain 
objectors  pretend  to  put  it  beyond  all  doubt,  that  there  must 
be  a  sort  of  preternatural  spirit  possessing  the  heads  of  the 
modern  saints  ;  and  some  will  have  it  to  be  the  heat  of  zeal, 
working  upon  the  dregs  of  ignorance,  as  other  spirits  are  pro- 
duced from  lees  by  the  force  of  fire.  Some  again  think,  that 
when  our  earthly  tabernacles  are  disordered  and  desolatej 

[*  Herodot.l 


166  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

shaken  and  out  of  repair,  the  spirit  delights  to  dwell  within 
them,  as  houses  are  said  to  be  haunted  when  they  are  forsalTen 
and  gone  to  decay. 

To  set  this  matter  in  as  fair  a  light  as  possible,  I  shall  here 
very  briefly  deduce  the  history  of  fanaticism,  from  the  most 
early  ages  to  the  present.  And  if  we  are  able  to  fix  upon  any 
one  material  or  fundamental  point,  wherein  the  chief  professors 
have  universally  agreed,  I  think  we  may  reasonably  lay  hold 
on  that,  and  assign  it  for  the  great  seed  or  principal  of  the 
spirit. 

The  most  early  traces  we  meet  with  of  fanatics  in  ancient 
story,  are  among  the  Egyptians;  who  instituted  those  rites 
known  in  Greece  by  the  names  of  Orgira,  Panegyres,  and 
Dionysia  ;  whether  introduced  there  by  Orpheus  or  Melampus, 
\ve  shall  not  dispute  at  present,  nor,  in  all  likelihood,  at  any 
time  for  the  future.  These  feasts  were  celebrated  to  the  honour 
of  Osiris,  whom  the  Grecians  called  Dionysius,  and  is  the 
same  with  Bacchus.*  Which  has  betrayed  some  superficial 
readers  to  imagine,  that  the  whole  business  was  nothing  more 
than  a  set  of  roaring,  scouring  companions,  overcharged  with 
wine  :  but  this  is  a  scandalous  mistake,  foisted  on  the  world  by 
a  sort  of  modern  authors,  who  have  too  literal  an  understand- 
ing ;  and  because  antiquity  is  to  be  traced  backwards,  do  there- 
fore, like  Jews,  begin  their  books  at  the  wrong  end,  as  if 
learning  were  a  sort  of  conjuring.  These  are  the  men  who 
pretend  to  understand  a  book,  by  scouting  through  the  index, 
as  if  a  traveller  should  go  about  to  describe  a  palace,  when  he 
had  seen  nothing  but  the  privy  ;  or  like  certain  fortune-tellers 
in  Northern  America,  who  have  a  way  of  reading  a  man's 
destiny,  by  peeping  in  his  breech.  For  at  the  time  of  institut- 
ing these  mysteries,!  there  was  not  one  vine  in  all  Egypt,  the 
natives  drinking  nothing  but  ale;  which  liquor  seems  to  have 
been  far  more  ancient  than  wine,  and  has  the  honour  of  owing 
its  invention  and  progress,  not  only  to  the  Egyptian  Osiris, J 
but  to  the  Grecian  Bacchus  ;  who,  in  their  famous  expedition, 
carried  the  receipt  of  it  along  with  them,  and  gave  it  to  the 
nations  they  visited  or  subdued.  Besides,  Bacchus  himself 
was  very  seldom  or  never  drunk  :  for  it  is  recorded  of  him, 
that  he  was  the  first  inventor  of  the  mitre  ;§  which  he  wore 
continually  on  his  head,  as  the  whole  company  of  Bacchanals 
did,  to  prevent  vapours  and  the  headache  after  hard  drinking. 
And  for  this  reason  (say  some)  tiie  scarlet  whore,  when  she 


[*  Diod.  Sic.  I.  1.  Plul,  de  hide  ct  Usyride.l 

p-  Ht-.rod.  1.  2-1          [t  Diot.  Sic.  l.l.et  3.]  [$  Id.  I.  4.J 


OPERATION  OF  THE  SPIRIT  167 

makes  the  kings  of  the  earth  drunk  with  her  cup  of  aboiuina- 
tftm,  is  always  sober  herself;  though  she  never  balks  the  glass 
in  her  turn,  being,  it  seems,  kept  upon  her  legs  by  the  virtue 
of  her  triple  mitre.  Now,  these  feasts  were  instituted  in  imi- 
tation of  the  famous  expedition  Osiris  made  through  the  world, 
.and  of  the  company  that  attended  him,  whereof  the  Bacchana- 
lian ceremonies*  were  so  many  types  and  symbols. 

From  which  account,  it  is  manifest,  that  the  fanatic  rites  of 
these  Bacchanals  cannot  be  imputed  to  intoxications  by  wine, 
but  must  needs  have  had  a  deeper  foundation.  What  this  was, 
we  may  gather  large  hints  from  certain  circumstances  in  the 
course  of  their  mysteries.  For,  in  the  first  place,  there  was 
in  their  processions,  an  entire  mixture  and  confusion  of  sexes ; 
they  affected  to  ramble  about  hills  and  deserts  ;  their  garlands 
were  of  ivy  and  vine,  emblems  of  cleaving  and  clinging ;  or 
of  fir,  the  parent  of  turpentine.  It  is  added,  that  they  imitated 
Satyrs,  were  attended  by  goals,  and  rode  upon  asses,  all  com- 
panions of  great  skill  and  practice  in  affairs  of  gallantry.  They 
bore  for  their  ensigns,  certain  curious  figures,  perched  upon 
long  poles,  made  into  the  shape  and  size  of  the  virga  genitalis, 
with  its  appurtenances  ;  which  were  so  many  shadows  and 
emblems  of  the  whole  mystery,  as  well  as  trophies  set  up  by 
the  female  conquerors.  Lastly,  in  a  certain  town  of  Attica, 
the  whole  solemnity,  stript  of  all  its  types,f  was  performed  in 
puris  naturalibus  ;  the  votaries  not  flying  in  covies,  but  sorted 
into  couples.  The  same  may  be  farther  conjectured  from  the 
death  of  Orpheus,  one  of  the  institutors  of  these  mysteries; 
who  was  torn  in  pieces  by  women,  because  he  refused  to  com- 
municate his  OrgiesJ  to  them ;  which  others  explained,  by 
telling  us,  he  had  castrated  himself  upon  grief,  for  the  loss  of 
his  wife. 

Omiting  many  others  of  less  note,  the  next  fanatics  we  meet 
with,  of  any  eminence,  were  the  numerous  sects  of  heretics, 
appearing  in  the  five  first  centuries  of  the  Christian  a&a,  from 
Simon  Magus  and  his  followers,  to  those  of  Eutyches.  I  have 
collected  their  systems  from  infinite  reading ;  and  comparing 
them  with  those  of  their  successors  in  the  several  ages  since, 
I  find  there  are  certain  bounds  set  even  to  the  irregularities  of 
human  thought,  and  those  a  great  deal  narrower  than  is  com- 
monly apprehended.  For  as  they  all  frequently  interfere, 
even  in  their  wildest  ravings ;  so  there  is  one  fundamental 
point,  wherein  they  are  sure  to  meet,  as  lines  in  a  centre,  and 

[*  See  the  particulars  in  Diod.  I.  1.  et  3.] 

[t  Pianysia,  Brauronia.]      [t  Vid.  Photium  in  excerplis  e  Conone.] 


168  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

that  is  the  commuuily  of  women.  Great  were  their  solici- 
tudes in  this  matter ;  and  they  never  failed  of  certain  articles  in 
thsir  schemes  of  worship,  on  purpose  to  establish  it. 

The  last  fanatics  of  note,  were  those  which  started  up  in 
Germany,  a  little  after  the  reformation  of  Luther;  springing, 
as  mushrooms  do  at  the  end  of  harvest.  Such  were  John  of 
Leyden,  David  George,  Adam  Neuster,  and  many  others  ; 
whose  visions  and  revelations  always  terminated  in  leading 
about  half  a  dozen  sisters  a-piece,  and  making  that  practice  a 
fundamental  part  of  their  system.  For  human  life  is  a  continual 
navigation  ;  and  if  we  expect  our  vessels  to  pass  with  safety, 
through  the  waves  and  tempests  of  this  fluctuating  world,  it 
is  necessary  to  make  a  good  provision  for  the  flesh,  as  seamen 
lay  in  store  of  beef  for  a  long  voyage. 

Now,  from  this  brief  survey  of  some  principal  sects  ^mong 
the  fanatics,  in  all  ages,  (having  omitted  the  Mahometans 
and  others,  who  might  also  help  to  confirm  the  argument  I 
am  about ;)  to  which  I  might  add  several  among  ourselves, 
such  as  the  Family  of  Love,  Sweet  Singers  of  Israel,  and  the 
like  ;  and  from  reflecting  upon  that  fundamental  point  in  their 
doctrines  about  women ;  wherein  they  have  so  unanimously 
agreed  :  I  am  apt  to  imagine,  that  the  seed  or  principal  which 
has  ever  put  men  upon  visions  in  things  invisible,  is  of  a  cor- 
poreal nature.  For  the  profounder  chemists  inform  us,  that 
th^  strongest  spirits  may  be  extracted  from  human  flesh.  Be- 
sides, the  spinal  marrow,  being  nothing  else  but  a  continuation 
of  the  brain,  must  needs  create  a  very  free  communication 
between  the  superior  faculties  and  those  below;  and  thus  the 
thorn  in  the  flesh  serves  for  a  spur  to  the  spirit.  I  think  it  is 
agreed  among  physicians,  that  nothing  affects  the  head  so 
much  as  a  tentiginous  humour,  repelled  and  elated  to  the  upper 
region,  found  by  daily  practice  to  run  frequently  up  into  mad- 
nesb.  A  very  eminent  member  of  the  faculty  assured  me, 
that  when  the  Quakers  first  appeared,  he  seldom  was  without 

some  female  patients  among  them  for  the  furor Persons  of 

a  visionary  devotion,  either  men  or  women,  are,  in  their  com- 
plexion, of  all  others  the  most  amorous.  For  zeal  is  frequent- 
ly kindled  from  the  same  spark  with  other  fires,  and  from 
inflaming  brotherly  love,  will  proceed  to  raise  that  of  a  gallant. 
If  we  inspect  into  the  usual  process  of  modern  courtship,  we 
shall  find  it  to  consist  in  a  devout  turn  of  the  eyes,  called 
ogling ;  an  artificial  form  of  canting  and  whining  by  rote, 
every  interval,  for  want  of  other  matter,  made  up  with  a  shrug, 
or  a  hum ;  a  sigh,  or  a  groan  ;  the  style  compact  of  insignifi 
cant  words,  incoherences  and  repetition.  These  I  take  to  be 


OPERATION  OF  THE   SPIRIT.  169 

the  most  accomplished  rules  of  address  to  a  mistress ;  and 
where  are  these  performed  with  more  dexterity,  than  by  the 
saints?  Nay,  to  bring  this  argument  yet  closer,  I  have  been 
informed  by  certain  sanguine  brethren  of  the  first  class,  that 
in  the  height  and  orgasmus  of  their  spiritual  exercise,  it  has 
been  frequent  with  them  *  *;  immediately 

after  which,  they  found  the  spirit  to  relax  and  flag  of  a  sudden 
with  the  nerves,  and  they  were  forced  to  hasten  to  a  conclusion 
This  may  be  farther  strengthened,  by  observing  with  wonder, 
how  unaccountably  all  females  are  attracted  by  visionary  or 
enthusiastic  preachers,  though  never  so  contemptible  in  their 
outward  mien ;  which  is  usually  supposed  to  be  done  upon 
considerations  purely  spiritual,  without  any  carnal  regards  at 
all.  But  I  have  reason  to  think,  the  sex  hath  certain  charac- 
teristics, by  which  they  form  a  truer  judgment  of  human  abili- 
ties and  performings,  than  we  ourselves  can  possibly  do  of 
each  other.  Let  that  be  as  it  will,  thus  much  is  certain,  that 
however  spiritual  intrigues  begin,  they  generally  conclude  like 
all  others  ;  they  may  branch  upwards  towards  heaven,  but  the 
root  is  in  the  earth.  Too  intense  a  contemplation  is  not  the 
business  of  flesh  and  blood;  it  must,  by  the  necessary  course 
of  things,  in  a  little  time,  let  go  its  hold,  and  fall  into  matter. 
Lovers,  for  the  sake  of  celestial  converse,  are  but  another  sort 
of  Platonics,  who  pretend  to  see  stars  and  heaven  in  ladies' 
eyes,  and  to  look  or  think  no  lower;  but  the  same  pit  is  pro- 
vided for  both.  And  they  seem  a  perfect  moral  to  the  story 
of  that  philosopher,  who,  while  his  thoughts  and  eyes  were 
fixed  upon  the  constellations,  found  himself  seduced  by  his 
lower  parts  into  a  ditch. 

I  had  somewhat  more  to  say  upon  this  part  of  the  subject; 
but  the  post  is  just  going,  which  forces  me  in  great  haste  to 
conclude, 

SIR, 

Your's,  &c. 
Pray  burn  this 

letter  as  soon 

as  it  comes  to 

your  hands. 


THE  EJO>. 


168  ON  THE  MECHANICAL 

that  is  the  community  of  women.  Great  were  their  solici- 
tudes in  this  matter  ;  and  they  never  failed  of  certain  articles  in 
thejr  schemes  of  worship,  on  purpose  to  establish  it. 

The  last  fanatics  of  note,  were  those  which  started  up  in 
Germany,  a  little  after  the  reformation  of  Luther;  springing, 
as  mushrooms  do  at  the  end  of  harvest.  Such  were  John  of 
Leyden,  David  George,  Adam  Neuster,  and  many  others  ; 
whose  -visions  and  revelations  always  terminated  in  leading 
about  half  a  dozen  sisters  a-piece,  and  making  that  practice  a 
fundamental  part  of  their  system.  For  human  life  is  a  continual 
navigation  ;  and  if  we  expect  our  vessels  to  pass  with  safety, 
through  the  waves  and  tempests  of  this  fluctuating  world,  it 
is  necessary  to  make  a  good  provision  for  the  flesh,  as  seamen 
lay  in  store  of  beef  for  a  long  voyage. 

Now,  from  this  brief  survey  of  some  principal  sects  ^mong 
the  fanatics,  in  all  ages,  (having  omitted  the  Mahometans 
and  others,  who  might  also  help  to  confirm  the  argument  I 
am  about;)  to  which  I  might  add  several  among  ourselves, 
such  as  the  Family  of  Love,  Sweet  Singers  of  Israel,  and  the 
like ;  and  from  reflecting  upon  that  fundamental  point  in  their 
doctrines  about  women ;  wherein  they  have  so  unanimously 
agreed  :  I  am  apt  to  imagine,  that  the  seed  or  principal  which 
has  ever  put  men  upon  visions  in  things  invisible,  is  of  a  cor- 
poreal nature.  For  the  profounder  chemists  inform  us,  that 
thv>  strongest  spirits  may  be  extracted  from  human  flesh.  Be- 
sides, the  spinal  marrow,  being  nothing  else  but  a  continuation 
of  the  brain,  must  needs  create  a  very  free  communication 
between  the  superior  faculties  and  those  below;  and  thus  the 
thorn  in  the  flesh  serves  for  a  spur  to  the  spirit.  I  think  it  is 
agreed  among  physicians,  that  nothing  affects  the  head  so 
much  as  a  tentiginous  humour,  repelled  and  elated  to  the  upper 
region,  found  by  daily  practice  to  run  frequently  up  into  mad- 
ness. A  very  eminent  member  of  the  faculty  assured  me, 
that  when  the  Quakers  first  appeared,  he  seldom  was  without 

some  female  patients  among  them  for  the  furor Persons  of 

a  visionary  devotion,  either  men  or  women,  are,  in  their  com- 
plexion, of  all  others  the  most  amorous.  For  zeal  is  frequent- 
ly kindled  from  the  same  spark  with  other  fires,  and  from 
inflaming  brotherly  love,  will  proceed  to  raise  that  of  a  gallant. 
If  we  inspect  into  the  usual  process  of  modern  courtship,  we 
shall  find  it  to  consist  in  a  devout  turn  of  the  eyes,  called 
ogling ;  an  artificial  form  of  canting  and  whining  by  rote, 
every  interval,  for  want  of  other  matter,  made  up  with  a  shrug, 
or  a  hum ;  a  sigh,  or  a  groan  ;  the  style  compact  of  insignifi 
cant  words,  incoherences  and  repetition.  These  I  take  to  be 


OPERATION  OF  THE   SPIRIT.  169 

the  most  accomplished  rules  of  address  to  a  mistress  ;  and 
where  are  these  performed  with  more  dexterity,  than  by  the 
saints  ?  Nay,  to  bring  this  argument  yet  closer,  I  have  been 
informed  by  certain  sanguine  brethren  of  the  first  class,  that 
in  the  height  and  orgasmus  of  their  spiritual  exercise,  it  has 
been  frequent  with  them  *  *;  immediately 

after  which,  they  found  the  spirit  to  relax  and  flag  of  a  sudden 
with  the  nerves,  and  they  were  forced  to  hasten  to  a  conclusion 
This  may  be  farther  strengthened,  by  observing  with  wonder, 
how  unaccountably  all  females  are  attracted  by  visionary  or 
enthusiastic  preachers,  though  never  so  contemptible  in  their 
outward  mien  ;  which  is  usually  supposed  to  be  done  upon 
considerations  purely  spiritual,  without  any  carnal  regards  at 
all.  But  I  have  reason  to  think,  the  sex  hath  certain  charac- 
teristics, by  which  they  form  a  truer  judgment  of  human  abili- 
ties and  performings,  than  we  ourselves  can  possibly  do  of 
each  other.  Let  that  be  as  it  will,  thus  much  is  certain,  that 
however  spiritual  intrigues  begin,  they  generally  conclude  like 
all  others;  they  may  branch  upwards  towards  heaven,  but  the 
root  is  in  the  earth.  Too  intense  a  contemplation  is  not  the 
business  of  flesh  and  blood ;  it  must,  by  the  necessary  course 
of  things,  in  a  little  time,  let  go  its  hold,  and  fall  into  matter. 
Lovers,  for  the  sake  of  celestial  converse,  are  but  another  sort 
of  Platonics,  who  pretend  to  see  stars  and  heaven  in  ladies' 
eyes,  and  to  look  or  think  no  lower;  but  the  same  pit  is  pro- 
vided for  both.  And  they  seem  a  perfect  moral  to  the  story 
of  that  philosopher,  who,  while  his  thoughts  and  eyes  were 
fixed  upon  the  constellations,  found  himself  seduced  by  his 
lower  parts  into  a  ditch. 

I  had  somewhat  more  to  say  upon  this  part  of  the  subject; 
but  the  post  is  just  going,  which  forces  me  in  great  haste  to 
conclude, 

SIR, 

Your's,  &c. 
Pray  burn  this 

letter  as  soon 

as  it  comes  to 

your  hands. 


THE  EVD. 


University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

405  Hilgard  Avenue,  Los  Angeles,  CA  90024-1388 

Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


Quarter  Loan  Due 

REC'D  CHfcM 

SEP  26  1994 
'SEP  1  5  1994 


A     000  031  992 


